“Crazy is like glitter. It sticks to everything, gets everywhere, and you never get rid of it.”  – Anonymous (or perhaps I said it first)

In this post, I want to explore the relationship between Identity and Stimulation.

Insert Personality Here

Crazy

Gen X Angst

Haiku writing youth

I’m a pierced nonconformist

Just like all my friends

                  -George E. Booth

Two facets

 About glitter

What makes crazy so crazy?

But why do they do it?

I’m so glad you asked! Part of the reason I’ve emphasized identity followed by Truth is to make this next point clearer. People do crazy things because, having abandoned Truth, they do not know who they are or why they are here. This leads to a good deal of experimentation. Since I’m feeling generous, I’ll call it questing.

The quest is to overcome the boredom that a rootless, purposeless life will produce. Think about the worst stereotype of American middle-class consumerism. Glassy-eyed, stoop-shouldered, and paunchy, homo economicus americanus  gets up every morning to earn enough money to keep a roof over his head, so he can get up every morning…

This is where the synthetic stimulants enter. These range from television to fantasy sports, to video games, to gambling, to intoxicants, to gossip, to stirring up conflicts among people, to living vicariously through celebrities or even one’s own children. (And yes, porn would be included in this grouping, too.) Not all of these would appeal to every man, but a bored man will be attracted to one or more of them. The goal is to fill the emptiness with experiences, with feelings — even if they aren’t rooted in reality.

I want to be fair and add that leisure time is a blessing, and a measure of our comparative affluence. And Story is an important part of being human. So please understand that I am for wholesome pastimes, just not at the expense of Living and being truly alive.

Contrast fake stimulation with a life of purpose and consequence where every day is vitally important, and the fruit of one’s labor is enhanced by the satisfaction of the tasks completed and delight at the work ahead.

Initiation: getting your question answered

Love, Dad

• Don’t date or marry crazy – She won’t change. But for God, people don’t change.
• Don’t co-sign crazy – It’s bad financial practice, and you’re only enabling more jackassery.
• Don’t make your living from crazy – It’s immoral to sell people the tools of their enslavement
• Avoid other people’s drama – Recognize it for trap it is — especially the classic “Let’s You and Him Fight”
• Don’t try to fix other people’s crazy – Love everyone and live your life. Pray for the crazy ones you know, but unless you’re a trained counselor, leave that to the pros.
• Let God initiate you into manhood – If you didn’t get it from your dad, God wants to do this for you.
• Get some sane friends – encourage each other in your respective missions.

So how about you – In what ways are you giving crazy a wide berth? Add your comments below.

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” – Romans 8:28 (ESV)

I owe a number of debts to author John Eldredge. His collaboration with the late Brent Curtis, The Sacred Romance, revolutionized my perception of the character and the heart of God. His Wild At Heart came at just the right time in my life — and my sons’ lives — and altered the course of our lives in wonderful ways. This was what led me to initiate my sons into manhood, and what led ultimately to the creation of this blog.

In his latest book, All Things New, John unpacks the basis of our life’s hope — God’s promise to renew all things.

Is that a promise?

We have so much to look forward to at the end of the road!
(Photo by M. Booth)

The text that informs the book is from the Revelation to John (the last book of the Bible). Here’s the vision as John the apostle reports it:

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.

^“And he who was seated on the throne said, ‘Behold, I am making all things new.’ Also he said, ‘Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.’”

A new heaven

Notice that the promise is for a new heaven and a new earth — and they are going to be joined in a way the current heaven and earth are not. My pastor explains that in the current heaven, Satan retains access to the presence of God, since he appears before the Lord in the first chapter of the book of Job. A new heaven is necessary to remove every trace of the evil one’s rebelliousness and deception.

A new earth

Recall that our original parents Adam and Eve lived in a paradise here on this earth. Their fall into sin marred this world irreparably, so a new earth is necessary to restore what was lost to its original splendor. I have to tell you, this is beyond exciting — way more interesting than a cloudy, harp-strewn wasteland with nothing but endless church services. And I like church. But imagine intimacy with God every moment as we explore and appreciate, and yes, worship Him while we scale mountains, sail oceans, and bask in absolute and unlimited beauty.

All things new

Jesus didn’t say, “I’m making all new things.” Our new and eternal home will be like earth, but with all the murder, hatred, greed, pollution, terrorism, disease, poverty, injustice, and corruption scrubbed away. It’s even better than that, because so many things we have and use now — including our careers — are compensations for what was damaged due to sin. Everything from sunscreen and insect repellent to fire engines to courtrooms, all these are intended to overcome the limitations sin imposes. It all goes away! And we get to be free for the first time. Imagine it!

Better still, as Eldredge explains, all our losses will be restored. Every injustice will be made right. Every wrong we suffered will receive divine vindication. God will do this out of His generous love.

Why I’m telling you

This reminder that God will make it all right has helped me enormously over the past several months. When I began thinking actively that God would make me whole in every way in His time, I felt myself began to relax and quit being so driven. As I meditated on His willingness and His ability to repair and restore anything broken, anything lost, I let go of these nagging doubts and fears. And when our family faced the devastating loss of my mother-in-law, I was able to see through the pain to the hope of an eternal reunion that was brighter than the grief we feel.

Use as directed

This is so different from the hackneyed idea of “pie in the sky, by and by,” because it doesn’t ignore the scars that sin leaves, and it doesn’t demand that we not grieve real loss, real pain. Instead, it places those wounds in a holy context, and into the hands of a loving God who gave His Son to redeem us and restore us.

This one’s for you

Please check out these scripture verses in-depth and see if what I’m saying is true. God Himself told John to write it down because He meant it. And if you agree with me, then ask yourself how much more audacious would you be for the Kingdom’s sake if you knew that ultimately, you couldn’t lose. What career decisions wold you take? What relationships would you pursue? What evil would you challenge? And would idols and seductions would you refuse?

My own experience has been that my greatest compromises have come when I doubted that God would come through for me. I repent of that slander against God’s heart, and I put myself in His hands.  I trust that what happens to me in this life will come through His hands, and I trust Him to lead me and to guide the outcomes. All I want to do is to be faithful.

So how about you? What hope does this idea stir in you? What do you look forward to in the new earth? Add your comments below.

P.S. I am providing the links to outside sites as a convenience to my readers. I do not receive any form of compensation or consideration if you choose to make a purchase.

“The unexamined life is not worth living.” – Socrates

In my original post on this topic, I explained Robert Ardrey’s idea that our psychological and emotional needs center on Identity, Stimulation, and Security. In my previous post on Identity we discussed that identity emanates from essence, from existence. It is rooted primarily in the unchangeable attributes that accompany us into the world and throughout our lives. We also established that our deeds do not establish our identity so much as they reveal it. But even then, they do so imperfectly.

It isn’t “out there” — it’s in here.

But if I don’t discover my identity from what I do, why do anything?

As in exercise, your muscles won’t grow if you merely lie around thinking about working out. You have to get off the couch and hit the gym, the box, the bike, the dojo. You will never develop the strength and skill you desire without purposeful action.

Similarly, if you are an artist or an entrepreneur, you must commit to the mastery of your craft and you must paint, compose, perform, or launch — even while you are learning. Entrepreneurs commit to a cycle of “launch and iterate,” trying and refining, and always learning. You have heard me say before that “You’re either green and growing, or you’re ripe and rotting.” I stand by that. And I’m still learning and growing myself. If you’re reading this, I expect you’re interested in learning and growing, too.

Sometimes you have to get moving without a clear picture of who you are. But I submit to you that the ideal is to move out of a sense of your identity and calling, instead of doing as a way to discover who you are. The categories are not entirely black and white, but in my next post I’ll illustrate why action must emanate from identity.

Now let’s talk about some ways you can help strengthen your sense of identity.

What are your assets?

What traits do you possess that provide clues to your identity? What do you know of your ancestry — good and bad? What victories and wounds are in your past? What have you learned to this point? What are you learning, and from whom? Is it easy or hard for you to learn? In what domains? What is your ethnicity, and what does that reveal about you? What is your master passion — that is, what makes your heart come alive?

Understand that these are clues that will help you assess who you are and who you’re meant to be under Heaven.

Where do you fit?

Rick Warren’s book, The Purpose Driven Church discusses a method he and his church devised called “Discovering your SHAPE for Ministry.” It’s an acrostic that encourages each of us to discover his role in the body by considering five attributes: Spiritual gifts, Heart, Aptitude(s), Personality, and Experience/Education. The church uses these assays to help its members find ways to serve that fit their God-given purpose.

When you know who you are, and what you’re good at, it reveals your purpose in your immediate context. This is true in the church and also in life. But even if it leaves you restless, that can be fuel that propels you toward the ultimate fulfillment of your destiny. You have to be looking for it, though. I doubt that caterpillars have any idea their destiny is to become butterflies, but if they don’t fulfill the mission of being caterpillars, they won’t realize their amazing potential.

As I’ve written before about building on strengths instead of correcting weaknesses — if you’re built to be a defensive back, you’re wasting everyone’s time trying to play offensive tackle.

I know what I just said, but…

If, however, you have an overpowering sense of destiny that you are certain is not from yourself, you owe it to yourself to explore it — even if it seems foolish. Consider the Biblical stories of Gideon and King David. When we encounter both men in the Bible, neither displays the potential that God sees in Him.

And NBA fans should take note of league MVP Stephen Curry who was not a top college prospect based on his size, but literally grew into the star he became during his undergraduate career at Davidson College. It’s only possible to persevere against impossible circumstances when one is sure who — and whose — he is.

Beware the False Self

The late Brennan Manning called it “the Impostor.” John Eldredge calls it the false self — that living by your wits in the realm of appearances — instead of living authentically according to the condition of your heart. I’ve learned a lot through the years from John Eldredge’s writings, and I recommend them to you if you want to go deeper into this idea of living from your heart. King Solomon described the heart as “the wellspring of life” in Proverbs, so this is not an option or an accessory. In many ways, this is what it means to live a redeemed and restored life.

Please note well that this redemption comes from God’s loving us in our brokenness and weakness.

Tribes

In an upcoming post, I plan to talk about the threat of tribalism, and how we need to find a way to cool our jets. But this tendency to associate with people who share our values is nothing new. We are all attracted to environments where we can trust and be trusted, know and be known, and communities where values are more homogeneous tend to have higher standards of living, lower incidence of crime, and less violence.

A lot of times this is a positive thing. Presbyterians join with other Presbyterians to worship in a style they prefer and serve effectively based on their shared doctrines. Baptists do this with other Baptists; Catholics with Catholics, and so on. The problems begin when one becomes so invested in the rightness of his way that he cannot recognize good faith on the part of those who go about their worship or work differently. Given the lingering rancor from the most recent US election season, I believe you can see the danger of hyper-partisanship.

Belonging is powerful — and being an outcast is powerfully negative.

Affiliation is interesting. Belonging to a group can reinforce your sense of identity. Veterans have a built-in affinity for fellow veterans. Alumni of given schools bond readily over their shared experience — even if it was decades apart. We all crave acceptance by people we admire. And we feel ruined when we experience rejection. This fear of being excluded — the dread of being exposed as something less than a man, or of being shunned for being different is what gives the false self its power. We need to feel connected.

This explains in part why so many men are diehard sports fans. The process of initiation into cheering for any team is minimal-to-non-existent, and it brings no risk, no cost. Simply wearing the jersey gives you an automatic “in” with other fans. In contrast to the investment of the athletes themselves, emotional investment in a team is nowhere near as time and energy-intensive as the effort expended in the gym and on the field. It’s fine to watch a game, and to be a fan, but for your own sake, have an identity that is your own, and don’t outsource it to any athlete, any team, or any league. You’ll thank me — and here’s just one reason:

Did you know that your favorite sports team can affect your testosterone level? It’s true. When your team wins, you get a boost in your T-level. Conversely, when your team loses, your testosterone level decreases. I’m all for enjoying a ball game as entertainment, but my identity doesn’t rise or fall with the home team, and I’m done wearing another man’s name on my back.

So how about you? In what ways are you acting according to your identity?

“The starting point of all achievement is desire.” – Napoleon Hill

Happy New Year, my friends and readers — Ontozoans all! From the title of this post, you may have discerned that I have chosen a focus word for this new year — Breakthrough. Over the past five-to-six years, I have been chipping away at some significant obstacles. Mostly diligently, but occasionally giving in to discouragement and having to reacquire the trail.  Now, though, I can see the horizon on the other side of these obstacles. With God’s help, I’m ready for a breakthrough.

But I don’t just want a breakthrough for myself. I’m praying, believing and working to see breakthroughs in the lives of family members, friends, and professional colleagues, too.

What’s the word?

You may have chosen a focus word for yourself for 2018. It does not have to be the same as mine. The main thing is to encapsulate what you’re aiming at and what you’re trusting God for, so that you can keep going when you’re tired. You’ve very likely made some resolutions and/or established some goals for the new year — I’ve been refining my own list under the breakthrough umbrella — and I hope you’re taking to heart some of the things we talked about here and here. Rather than more advice on how to develop goals or to tell you what your goals ought to be, I’d like for us to talk about how to see them come to fruition. The key is desire.

Sure, you’ve got sound goals, but without desire you’re an empty suit.
(Photo by P. Belch – used with permission)

It’s not what you think…

For many of us, the very word desire has come under a cloud. It’s as though we automatically associate desire with something unwholesome, something sinful. But isn’t it possible to long for something noble and good? I would argue that anyone who has been homesick or who has missed his beloved or who has grieved at the death of a loved one knows this appropriate form of desire. This kind of desire is a gift from God, and it is to the soul what magnetic north is to a compass.

Two other thoughts here: If you’d like to research this idea, John Eldredge’s book, The Journey of Desire, does an excellent job of unburdening the word from its unfortunate associations. And second, if I’m in danger of losing you for the balance of this post, please consider substituting the word passion instead. It’s the intensity that one brings to the pursuit that matters.

…Except it IS what you think

I’ve always been skeptical of the “name it & claim it” school of theology, and for a long time I thought it was prideful to want something. That is, I believed that I was pitting my will against that of God by having ambition. So instead of prayerfully setting some goals, I spiritualized my fear of failure and rationalized my procrastination. As Louis Rader said, “As long as you remain in neutral, you can only go where you’re pushed.” That was me — waiting on God to push me — even though he had given me a healthy mind and a healthy body.

Thank God, I got some help finding the godly middle ground between the manifestly incorrect Prosperity Gospel and the equally incorrect sanctified ambivalence. I have learned since that many times God has communicated His will through the desires of my heart and the ways He has equipped me to bring them to life. To clarify, I don’t just go with whatever feeling I have at the moment, and I am very careful to sort out my desires in the light of scripture. Instead, I walk with God so that over time, my heart’s desire comes to resemble His. And the things my heart responds to very often lead me to the center of His will.

The behaviorist’s path

Behavioral psychology has debunked one of my long-held notions. Where previously, I thought that moods and feelings were kind of like the weather — that is, we can’t change them, so we just have to wait for a better set of conditions to come along. Behavioral psych says it isn’t like that at all. Our thoughts influence our feelings. Our feelings influence our behaviors. If you’re a man with goals and ambitions, consider very carefully what thoughts you entertain. The Apostle Paul was writing under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit when he advised the Philippian church:

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” (Philippians 4:8 (ESV)

This is good counsel for living a moral life, but it is also the way to discipline your mind and your life for maximum impact. Measure your feelings against the thoughts that inspired them, and measure those thoughts against Truth. Build on your strengths and reinforce the best that God has placed in you.

When you fail at a task, talk to yourself the way your best teacher or coach would — or the way you would speak to a student under your instruction.

How bad do you want it?

My pastor teaches that the key to breaking any addiction is love. The addict who wants to be free must love something else (God) more than the substance he’s addicted to. He also likes to say that God is under no obligation to deliver us from our friends. If we love our chains, God will leave us in them.

If one of your resolutions this year is to get out of debt (present!), ask yourself how badly you want to be free of your indebtedness. If you lack down-to-the-bone commitment, you will not succeed.

A certain amount of doubt will creep in along the way, but if you can’t find a passion for the end result from the comfort of your couch, perhaps you have the wrong goal.

Make it automatic

A great deal of success in life boils down to having the right habits. We all know bad habits are too easily acquired and are equally hard to defeat, but good habits can be equally stubborn. If you want to be fit and active throughout your life, you’ll want to cultivate the habits of exercise and sound nutrition. You can research anything (There’s this thing called The Internet, see?), but to make a habit of it, you need to practice the desired behavior consistently for three weeks.

It will feel weird and unpleasant at first — perhaps even for the entire three weeks. This is where desire comes in. You have to have passion to propel you through the uncomfortable first steps until the new behavior becomes habitual.

Review and refocus to return refreshed

Even when you’ve established the habit you want, life will intrude. Work issues will flare up, illness or injury will derail your fitness regimen, or you’ll have to spend your writing time earning extra money to keep your car on the road. Take the long view and recognize this is a temporary setback. It’s important to emphasize the word temporary.

Also, note you’re going to want to review the vision — the desired end state — to remain committed to it. This is true even if none of the dread circumstances above happen to you. At various times in my life, I’ve taped goals or things I wanted to learn to my bathroom mirror. It’s a great way to keep your goals in view while you brush your teeth. And, once again, this is the beauty of a focus word.

Seek help

Most of the people in your life want you to succeed. (Well, OK, some of the people in your life want you to succeed.) Why not tell them what you’re up to? The act of publicizing what you’re trying to accomplish will help you maintain your drive. Do you know anyone else with a similar objective? Can you share resources, critique each other’s work, or recommend each other? Find partners and fellow pilgrims.

And pray. If God is the source of your vision, why not seek His wisdom and ask for perseverance as you run the prescribed course toward your goals?

This doesn’t just apply to goals and resolutions, but I thought now would be a good time to talk about it. Happy 2018!

So how about you? What are you setting your heart on in the new year? Add your focus word as a comment to share how you intend to stay motivated through the entire year.

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” – Romans 8:28 (ESV)

I owe a number of debts to author John Eldredge. His collaboration with the late Brent Curtis, The Sacred Romance, revolutionized my perception of the character and the heart of God. His Wild At Heart came at just the right time in my life — and my sons’ lives — and altered the course of our lives in wonderful ways. This was what led me to initiate my sons into manhood, and what led ultimately to the creation of this blog.

In his latest book, All Things New, John unpacks the basis of our life’s hope — God’s promise to renew all things.

Is that a promise?

We have so much to look forward to at the end of the road!
(Photo by M. Booth)

The text that informs the book is from the Revelation to John (the last book of the Bible). Here’s the vision as John the apostle reports it:

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.

^“And he who was seated on the throne said, ‘Behold, I am making all things new.’ Also he said, ‘Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.’”

A new heaven

Notice that the promise is for a new heaven and a new earth — and they are going to be joined in a way the current heaven and earth are not. My pastor explains that in the current heaven, Satan retains access to the presence of God, since he appears before the Lord in the first chapter of the book of Job. A new heaven is necessary to remove every trace of the evil one’s rebelliousness and deception.

A new earth

Recall that our original parents Adam and Eve lived in a paradise here on this earth. Their fall into sin marred this world irreparably, so a new earth is necessary to restore what was lost to its original splendor. I have to tell you, this is beyond exciting — way more interesting than a cloudy, harp-strewn wasteland with nothing but endless church services. And I like church. But imagine intimacy with God every moment as we explore and appreciate, and yes, worship Him while we scale mountains, sail oceans, and bask in absolute and unlimited beauty.

All things new

Jesus didn’t say, “I’m making all new things.” Our new and eternal home will be like earth, but with all the murder, hatred, greed, pollution, terrorism, disease, poverty, injustice, and corruption scrubbed away. It’s even better than that, because so many things we have and use now — including our careers — are compensations for what was damaged due to sin. Everything from sunscreen and insect repellent to fire engines to courtrooms, all these are intended to overcome the limitations sin imposes. It all goes away! And we get to be free for the first time. Imagine it!

Better still, as Eldredge explains, all our losses will be restored. Every injustice will be made right. Every wrong we suffered will receive divine vindication. God will do this out of His generous love.

Why I’m telling you

This reminder that God will make it all right has helped me enormously over the past three weeks. When I began thinking actively that God would make me whole in every way in His time, I felt myself began to relax and quit being so driven. As I meditated on His willingness and His ability to repair and restore anything broken, anything lost, I let go of these nagging doubts and fears. And when our family faced the devastating loss of my mother-in-law, I was able to see through the pain to the hope of an eternal reunion that was brighter than the grief we feel.

Use as directed

This is so different from the hackneyed idea of “pie in the sky, by and by,” because it doesn’t ignore the scars that sin leaves, and it doesn’t demand that we not grieve real loss, real pain. Instead, it places those wounds in a holy context, and into the hands of a loving God who gave His Son to redeem us and restore us.

This one’s for you

Please check out these scripture verses in-depth and see if what I’m saying is true. God Himself told John to write it down because He meant it. And if you agree with me, then ask yourself how much more audacious would you be for the Kingdom’s sake if you knew that ultimately, you couldn’t lose. What career decisions wold you take? What relationships would you pursue? What evil would you challenge? And would idols and seductions would you refuse?

My own experience has been that my greatest compromises have come when I doubted that God would come through for me. I repent of that slander against God’s heart, and I put myself in His hands.  I trust that what happens to me in this life will come through His hands, and I trust Him to lead me and to guide the outcomes. All I want to do is to be faithful.

So how about you? What hope does this idea stir in you? What do you look forward to in the new earth? Add your comments below.

P.S. I am providing the links to outside sites as a convenience to my readers. I do not receive any form of compensation or consideration if you choose to make a purchase.

“Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, ‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.’” – Hebrews 13:4-5 (NIV)

Hugh Hefner, the founder and publisher of Playboy Magazine died last week at the age of 91. If you wonder how our culture became tolerant of pornography of increasing explicitness and ubiquity, you can thank Mr. Hefner for his significant contributions.

Sign of the times — thanks, Hef.

Following Hefner’s death, it seemed nearly every news organization published a gushing tribute to the man and his legacy. If you want to read them, there’s this thing called the Internet and I’m sure you can find them. But in scanning the headlines that reported Hugh Hefner’s death, one headline caught my eye. It said, “Hugh Hefner’s first wife CHEATED on him — a betrayal which gave birth to his Playboy lifestyle.”

The article reports that Hefner and his fiancée had been saving themselves for marriage, but that while he was serving in the army during World War II, she confessed to him she’d had sex with another man. They married in spite of this, but their marriage ended in divorce four years later. About the infidelity, he said,”That was the most devastating moment in my life.”

Why are we talking about this?

If you’re a regular reader here (thank you!) you know I always have a reason. Hefner said his then-fiancée’s being with another man cast a shadow over his marriage. “After that, I always felt in a sense that the other guy was in bed with us, too.” And although his wife, guilt-ridden, encouraged/allowed him to sleep with other women, ultimately, Hugh Hefner became an enemy of sexual morality.

He started Playboy magazine in 1953 and sought to make eroticism socially acceptable by publishing photos of nude women alongside interviews, music reviews, essays, and short stories.  In addition to the magazine, Hefner promoted what he called the Playboy philosophy, which as you’d imagine took a dim view of monogamy.

So here we have a man whose woman was unfaithful, whose marriage didn’t last, and whose life’s work discouraged others from being faithful in marriage.

The wound and its interpretation

Brent Curtis and John Eldredge’s book The Sacred Romance, and Eldredge’s later book Wild at Heart discuss in some detail what they refer to as “the message of the arrows.”  Each of us, they say, receives a wound, and that wound pierces us in a vulnerable part of our heart and soul. We try to make sense of it, and we get a lot of “help” from the world, the flesh, and the devil. Most of us regard the wound as something shameful, and we internalize it and never take it to our Heavenly Father to let Him heal it. Instead we make a vow to never let ourselves get hurt that way again. And this gives way to the false self.

A man’s question

More from Wild at Heart: Eldredge explains that every boy longs to receive the masculine blessing — to know that he is a man and that he has what it takes. That blessing should come from a boy’s own father, or perhaps his grandfather, uncle, or godfather. It is the conferring of manhood, so it should come from men. But bad things happen when a man seeks to validate his masculinity in the arms of a woman, or women. To quote Eldredge verbatim:

“When a man takes his question to the woman what happens is either addiction or emasculation. Usually both.”

Back to Hefner

Do you see this pattern playing out in the life of Hugh Hefner? Clearly, he wanted his wife to validate him as a man. Her sleeping with another man created a wound in that most vulnerable part of him. The false self that became his identity was that of the Lothario, the playboy, the stud — able to get any woman he wanted. This turned out to be partially true. He could get all the women he could bribe with plastic surgery. And he could keep all the ones who were willing to put out in exchange for an “allowance.” But ultimately, this wounded man sought to medicate himself with women’s bodies and Viagra. Pretty sad.

But the worst thing was that this man’s false self contaminated our culture and created massive stumbling blocks for generations of men. Each one of us is responsible for his own choices and actions, but notice how personal choices affect others. How many of our grandfathers, fathers, brothers — and how many of us — have given in to the temptation offered by Hugh Hefner and his imitators? How many of us grew up with absent dads imbued with the Playboy philosophy?  How many of us are in the chains of sexual addiction through promiscuity, pornography, or both?

May God grant us the grace to overcome the sorry legacy of Hugh Hefner and walk free in the glorious light of Christ Jesus. May we seek and find our identity in Him. And may we pass on a better legacy to our sons and daughters. If we truly believe God is for us and will never leave us, we can find contentment whether married or single.

So how about you? How have you gotten your question answered? Do you need a reboot? Share your story or add your comments below.

 “Crazy is like glitter. It sticks to everything, gets everywhere, and you never get rid of it.”  – Anonymous (or perhaps I said it first)

In this post, I want to explore the relationship between Identity and Stimulation.

Insert Personality Here

Crazy

Gen X Angst

Haiku writing youth

I’m a pierced nonconformist

Just like all my friends

                  -George E. Booth

Two facets

 About glitter

What makes crazy so crazy?

But why do they do it?

I’m so glad you asked! Part of the reason I’ve emphasized identity followed by Truth is to make this next point clearer. People do crazy things because, having abandoned Truth, they do not know who they are or why they are here. This leads to a good deal of experimentation. Since I’m feeling generous, I’ll call it questing.

The quest is to overcome the boredom that a rootless, purposeless life will produce. Think about the worst stereotype of American middle-class consumerism. Glassy-eyed, stoop-shouldered, and paunchy, homo economicus americanus  gets up every morning to earn enough money to keep a roof over his head, so he can get up every morning…

This is where the synthetic stimulants enter. These range from television to fantasy sports, to video games, to gambling, to intoxicants, to gossip, to stirring up conflicts among people, to living vicariously through celebrities or even one’s own children. (And yes, porn would be included in this grouping, too.) Not all of these would appeal to every man, but a bored man will be attracted to one or more of them. The goal is to fill the emptiness with experiences, with feelings — even if they aren’t rooted in reality.

I want to be fair and add that leisure time is a blessing, and a measure of our comparative affluence. And Story is an important part of being human. So please understand that I am for wholesome pastimes, just not at the expense of Living and being truly alive.

Contrast fake stimulation with a life of purpose and consequence where every day is vitally important, and the fruit of one’s labor is enhanced by the satisfaction of the tasks completed and delight at the work ahead.

Initiation: getting your question answered

Love, Dad

• Don’t date or marry crazy – She won’t change. But for God, people don’t change.
• Don’t co-sign crazy – It’s bad financial practice, and you’re only enabling more jackassery.
• Don’t make your living from crazy – It’s immoral to sell people the tools of their enslavement
• Avoid other people’s drama – Recognize it for trap it is — especially the classic “Let’s You and Him Fight”
• Don’t try to fix other people’s crazy – Love everyone and live your life. Pray for the crazy ones you know, but unless you’re a trained counselor, leave that to the pros.
• Let God initiate you into manhood – If you didn’t get it from your dad, God wants to do this for you.
• Get some sane friends – encourage each other in your respective missions.

So how about you – In what ways are you giving crazy a wide berth? Add your comments below.

“The unexamined life is not worth living.” – Socrates

In my original post on this topic, I explained Robert Ardrey’s idea that our psychological and emotional needs center on Identity, Stimulation, and Security. In my previous post on Identity we discussed that identity emanates from essence, from existence. It is rooted primarily in the unchangeable attributes that accompany us into the world and throughout our lives. We also established that our deeds do not establish our identity so much as they reveal it. But even then, they do so imperfectly.

It isn’t “out there” — it’s in here.

But if I don’t discover my identity from what I do, why do anything?

As in exercise, your muscles won’t grow if you merely lie around thinking about working out. You have to get off the couch and hit the gym, the box, the bike, the dojo. You will never develop the strength and skill you desire without purposeful action.

Similarly, if you are an artist or an entrepreneur, you must commit to the mastery of your craft and you must paint, compose, perform, or launch — even while you are learning. Entrepreneurs commit to a cycle of “launch and iterate,” trying and refining, and always learning. You have heard me say before that “You’re either green and growing, or you’re ripe and rotting.” I stand by that. And I’m still learning and growing myself. If you’re reading this, I expect you’re interested in learning and growing, too.

Sometimes you have to get moving without a clear picture of who you are. But I submit to you that the ideal is to move out of a sense of your identity and calling, instead of doing as a way to discover who you are. The categories are not entirely black and white, but in my next post I’ll illustrate why action must emanate from identity.

Now let’s talk about some ways you can help strengthen your sense of identity.

What are your assets?

What traits do you possess that provide clues to your identity? What do you know of your ancestry — good and bad? What victories and wounds are in your past? What have you learned to this point? What are you learning, and from whom? Is it easy or hard for you to learn? In what domains? What is your ethnicity, and what does that reveal about you? What is your master passion — that is, what makes your heart come alive?

Understand that these are clues that will help you assess who you are and who you’re meant to be under Heaven.

Where do you fit?

Rick Warren’s book, The Purpose Driven Church discusses a method he and his church devised called “Discovering your SHAPE for Ministry.” It’s an acrostic that encourages each of us to discover his role in the body by considering five attributes: Spiritual gifts, Heart, Aptitude(s), Personality, and Experience/Education. The church uses these assays to help its members find ways to serve that fit their God-given purpose.

When you know who you are, and what you’re good at, it reveals your purpose in your immediate context. This is true in the church and also in life. But even if it leaves you restless, that can be fuel that propels you toward the ultimate fulfillment of your destiny. You have to be looking for it, though. I doubt that caterpillars have any idea their destiny is to become butterflies, but if they don’t fulfill the mission of being caterpillars, they won’t realize their amazing potential.

As I’ve written before about building on strengths instead of correcting weaknesses — if you’re built to be a defensive back, you’re wasting everyone’s time trying to play offensive tackle.

I know what I just said, but…

If, however, you have an overpowering sense of destiny that you are certain is not from yourself, you owe it to yourself to explore it — even if it seems foolish. Consider the Biblical stories of Gideon and King David. When we encounter both men in the Bible, neither displays the potential that God sees in Him.

And NBA fans should take note of league MVP Stephen Curry who was not a top college prospect based on his size, but literally grew into the star he became during his undergraduate career at Davidson College. It’s only possible to persevere against impossible circumstances when one is sure who — and whose — he is.

Beware the False Self

The late Brennan Manning called it “the Impostor.” John Eldredge calls it the false self — that living by your wits in the realm of appearances — instead of living authentically according to the condition of your heart. I’ve learned a lot through the years from John Eldredge’s writings, and I recommend them to you if you want to go deeper into this idea of living from your heart. King Solomon described the heart as “the wellspring of life” in Proverbs, so this is not an option or an accessory. In many ways, this is what it means to live a redeemed and restored life.

Please note well that this redemption comes from God’s loving us in our brokenness and weakness.

Tribes

In an upcoming post, I plan to talk about the threat of tribalism, and how we need to find a way to cool our jets. But this tendency to associate with people who share our values is nothing new. We are all attracted to environments where we can trust and be trusted, know and be known, and communities where values are more homogeneous tend to have higher standards of living, lower incidence of crime, and less violence.

A lot of times this is a positive thing. Presbyterians join with other Presbyterians to worship in a style they prefer and serve effectively based on their shared doctrines. Baptists do this with other Baptists; Catholics with Catholics, and so on. The problems begin when one becomes so invested in the rightness of his way that he cannot recognize good faith on the part of those who go about their worship or work differently. Given the lingering rancor from the most recent US election season, I believe you can see the danger of hyper-partisanship.

Belonging is powerful — and being an outcast is powerfully negative.

Affiliation is interesting. Belonging to a group can reinforce your sense of identity. Veterans have a built-in affinity for fellow veterans. Alumni of given schools bond readily over their shared experience — even if it was decades apart. We all crave acceptance by people we admire. And we feel ruined when we experience rejection. This fear of being excluded — the dread of being exposed as something less than a man, or of being shunned for being different is what gives the false self its power. We need to feel connected.

This explains in part why so many men are diehard sports fans. The process of initiation into cheering for any team is minimal-to-non-existent, and it brings no risk, no cost. Simply wearing the jersey gives you an automatic “in” with other fans. In contrast to the investment of the athletes themselves, emotional investment in a team is nowhere near as time and energy-intensive as the effort expended in the gym and on the field. It’s fine to watch a game, and to be a fan, but for your own sake, have an identity that is your own, and don’t outsource it to any athlete, any team, or any league. You’ll thank me — and here’s just one reason:

Did you know that your favorite sports team can affect your testosterone level? It’s true. When your team wins, you get a boost in your T-level. Conversely, when your team loses, your testosterone level decreases. I’m all for enjoying a ball game as entertainment, but my identity doesn’t rise or fall with the home team, and I’m done wearing another man’s name on my back.

So how about you? In what ways are you acting according to your identity?

“The starting point of all achievement is desire.” – Napoleon Hill

Happy New Year, all you Ontozoans! You’ve very likely made some resolutions and/or established some goals for 2016 — I’ve been refining my own list — and I hope you’re taking to heart some of the things we discussed here and here. Rather than more advice on how to develop goals, I’d like for us to talk about how to see them come to fruition. The key is desire.

Sure, you’ve got sound goals, but without desire you’re an empty suit.
(Photo by P. Belch – used with permission)

It’s not what you think…

For many of us, the very word desire has come under a cloud. It’s as though we automatically associate desire with something unwholesome, something sinful. But isn’t it possible to long for something noble and good? I would argue that anyone who has been homesick or who has missed his beloved or who has grieved at the death of a loved one knows this appropriate form of desire. This kind of desire is a gift from God, and it is to the soul what magnetic north is to a compass.

Two other thoughts here: If you’d like to research this idea, John Eldredge’s book, Desire (formerly titled The Journey of Desire), does an excellent job of unburdening the word from its unfortunate associations. And second, if I’m in danger of losing you for the balance of this post, please consider substituting the word passion instead. It’s the intensity that one brings to the pursuit that matters.

…Except it IS what you think

I’ve always been skeptical of the “name it & claim it” school of theology, and for a long time I thought it was prideful to want something. That is, I believed that I was pitting my will against that of God by having ambition. So instead of prayerfully setting some goals, I spiritualized my fear of failure and rationalized my procrastination. As Louis Rader said, “As long as you remain in neutral, you can only go where you’re pushed.” That was me — waiting on God to push me — even though he had given me a healthy mind and a healthy body.

Thank God, I got some help finding the godly middle ground between the manifestly incorrect Prosperity Gospel and the equally incorrect sanctified ambivalence. I have learned since that many times God has communicated His will through the desires of my heart. To clarify, I don’t just go with whatever feeling I have at the moment. Instead, I walk with God so that over time, my heart’s desire comes to resemble His. And the things my heart responds to very often lead me to the center of His will.

The behaviorist’s path

Behavioral psychology has debunked one of my long-held notions. Where previously, I thought that moods and feelings were kind of like the weather — that is, we can’t change them, so we just have to wait for a better set of conditions to come along. Behavioral psych says it isn’t like that at all. Our thoughts influence our feelings. Our feelings influence our behaviors. If you’re a man with goals and ambitions, consider very carefully what thoughts you entertain. The Apostle Paul was writing under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit when he advised the Philippian church:

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” (Philippians 4:8 (ESV)

This is good counsel for living a moral life, but it is also the way to discipline your mind and your life for maximum impact. Measure your feelings against the thoughts that inspired them, and measure those thoughts against Truth. Build on your strengths and reinforce the best that God has placed in you.

When you fail at a task, talk to yourself the way your best teacher or coach would — or the way you would speak to a student under your instruction.

How bad do you want it?

My pastor teaches that the key to breaking any addiction is love. The addict who wants to be free must love something else (God) more than the substance he’s addicted to. He also likes to say that God is under no obligation to deliver us from our friends. If we love our chains, God will leave us in them.

If one of your resolutions this year is to get out of debt, ask yourself how badly you want to be free of your indebtedness. If you lack down-to-the-bone commitment, you will not succeed.

A certain amount of doubt will creep in along the way, but if you can’t find a passion for the end result from the comfort of your couch, perhaps you have the wrong goal.

Make it automatic

A great deal of success in life boils down to having the right habits. We all know bad habits are too easily acquired and are equally hard to defeat, but good habits can be equally stubborn. If you want to be fit and active throughout your life, you’ll want to cultivate the habits of exercise and sound nutrition. You can research anything (There’s this thing called The Internet, see?), but to make a habit of it, you need to practice the desired behavior consistently for three weeks.

It will feel weird and unpleasant at first — perhaps even for the entire three weeks. This is where desire comes in. You have to have passion to propel you through the uncomfortable first steps until the new behavior becomes habitual.

Review and refocus to return refreshed

Even when you’ve established the habit you want, life will intrude. Work issues will flare up, illness or injury will derail your fitness regimen, or you’ll have to spend your writing time earning extra money to keep your car on the road. Take the long view and recognize this is a temporary setback. It’s important to emphasize the word temporary.

Also, note you’re going to want to review the vision — the desired end state — to remain committed to it. This is true even if none of the dread circumstances above happen to you. At various times in my life, I’ve taped goals or things I wanted to learn to my bathroom mirror. It’s a great way to keep your goals in view while you brush your teeth.

Seek help

Most of the people in your life want you to succeed. (Well, OK, some of the people in your life want you to succeed.) Why not tell them what you’re up to? The act of publicizing what you’re trying to accomplish will help you maintain your drive. Do you know anyone else with a similar objective? Can you share resources, critique each other’s work, or recommend each other? Find partners and fellow pilgrims.

And pray. If God is the source of your vision, why not seek His wisdom and ask for perseverance as you run the prescribed course toward your goals?

This doesn’t just apply to goals and resolutions, but I thought now would be a good time to talk about it. Happy 2016!

So how about you? What are you setting your heart on in the new year? Add your comment to share how you intend to stay motivated through the entire year.

We live in the age of the Internet Tough Guy.  You know the one; he launches his attacks from the safety of his man cave, boasts of his prowess and his willingness to fight anytime, anywhere, but strangely cannot be found when it’s time to back up his claims.

Words to live by

It’s much easier to be a poser — to affect the outward appearance, but lack the substance.  As long as nobody looks past the surface, these guys get the benefits of what they claim to be without any of the risk, effort or expense.  As the saying goes, there are 2,500 active duty Navy SEALS, but if you believe the stories told in bars on any given Saturday night, there are more like 25,000.

We see this in nearly every sphere — people pretending to be something they’re not.  The workplace seems full of pretenders.  Then there are those people who appear to check their brains at the door and remain in neutral.  Lucky for them, a leader can give them a push in the right direction.  But there is a subcategory that is even more dangerous to the health of an organization — the otherwise capable man who is immobilized by the fear of failure.

Call reluctance
No matter what my business card said at any given time, I’ve always considered sales an indispensable part of my work. I still do.  Whether I’m partnering with a customer on a solution to his problem, proposing a new initiative at church, or singing a song for an audience, if I’m doing my job correctly I’m selling.  Fear of failure — or better said, fear of rejection — is at the heart of the phenomenon known to sales professionals as call reluctance.

Prison time
As a younger man, I was in prison.  No, I wasn’t convicted of a crime, but I robbed myself of opportunities by choosing to live in the prison I built through fear of failure.  Perhaps you can relate to this: I’d devote hours to ideas, schemes and plans, but I wouldn’t bring them to fruition because the time wasn’t right, or they needed more work.  These were rationalizations I allowed to take root because inside I was afraid of failing.

Freedom
The cure for me began nearly twenty years ago when I realized there was such a prison, and that I had locked the door from the inside.  With God’s help, I decided to take some small steps and let God take care of the outcome.  Along the way, John Eldredge’s book, Wild At Heart, exposed the root of this fear for me.  He explained that every man’s fundamental question is this: “Do I have what it takes?”  If a man hasn’t been initiated into manhood or confirmed in his ability to come through, he will remain in the shallows of life, placing only those bets or facing only those challenges he knows he can win.

In my case, this realization sent me on a quest to recover my heart.  Providentially, it came at the right time for me to plan — and execute — a process of masculine initiation for both my sons.  It changed my life.  I’d be lying if I said that fear of failure doesn’t try to stage a coup every now and then, but I can also tell you that the more I stare it down, the less frequently it occurs.

My motive
I tell you these things because so many of you have grown up without a dad, or without ever knowing your dad was pleased with you.  This has caused you to doubt your God-given capacity, and has made you a captive to fear.  My message to you is that you can get better, and that God can restore the years you’ve lost.  If you don’t have a relationship with your father, all is not lost.  As I explained to my sons as we concluded their respective initiations, God had been fathering them through me all along — and God wants to be the Father you need.  And I’m here to encourage you and to answer your questions, so you don’t have to slug it out alone.

Other practical steps
If you’ve made up your mind to stop dreaming about someday, here are some small steps to get you moving:

• Accept that rejection is inevitable – If “no” is the worst they can say to you, make a game of it and try to become more efficient.  See how quickly you can get to no.  As someone once said, “A fast ‘no’ is better than a slow ‘maybe.'”  And note this:  Even the world’s most popular brands aren’t for everyone.
• Be bold enough to ask — Ask for the meeting, for the phone number, for an exclusive distributorship agreement, for a place on the bill for next month’s show.  Whatever it is you’ve set your sights on, ask for it.  As Bill Hybels and others have said, “Don’t say someone else’s ‘no’ for him.”
• Be prepared enough and thorough enough to ask for the order – I can’t emphasize this enough.  When you get the meeting or the interview go in prepared.  In these days of LinkedIn and Facebook, it’s a sin not to do your homework.  Go further, though — have a list of killer questions.  You’ll not only learn important things, your counterpart(s) will think you’re fascinating because you got them talking about their favorite subject.  This applies to courtship, too, gents.
• Be courageous enough to approach the woman, and the next woman — For you single men who intend to get married, you’ll never get married if you don’t or won’t approach an attractive woman.  We’ll talk more about this in a future post, but I have a friend who met a quality woman at a dance by dancing with the other attractive girls there.  She noticed and asked him to dance.  Sneaky, but effective.  But notice, he had to ask several women to dance first.  Note:  It’s not wrong to ask a friend to introduce you — in sales, this is called a warm lead.
• Recognize that accomplishment begets confidence — I recommend stepping out and trying something new, just to see what happens.  Start by altering your routine.  Take a different route to work, or patronize a different restaurant and make an effort to meet some new people.  This is a warm-up for real progress.  Consider a public speaking, improv or ballroom dancing class.  Take up a musical instrument or learn golf or fly fishing. It doesn’t matter what it is, the newness is the thing.  This is particularly good for overcoming the fear of failure, since everyone who’s new at something fails repeatedly.  A good instructor can model the very way you should behave toward yourself when you fail.

Try these and you’ll find the world is full of opportunities that others — like your former self — have overlooked.

So how about you?  What’s holding you back from working at your full capacity?  What’s your plan?  Add your comments below.