Mrs. Booth and I celebrated our wedding anniversary this week. I am profoundly thankful for the years we have had together, and I look forward to the years ahead. The institution of marriage has suffered multiple body blows over the past several decades — and the situation is so bad I hear some of you saying you never plan to marry. You may be called to lifelong singleness, but I doubt it. So whether or not you’re able to see yourself married in the future, here are some of the lessons I’ve learned over the past 30-plus years.

Marriage is hard work…

Dating and courtship are generally good things if one remembers that he is seeking a wife. As good as these methods may be, they provide incomplete data. Nothing prepares a couple for the reality of married life. It’s different when you’ve taken vows before God and witnesses to become one for the rest of your life. Critics scoff that it’s “just a piece of paper.” They are wrong. The weight of marriage strips away the prerogatives of consumerism — you can’t legitimately trade in a wife like a used car. And the work of marriage is to work beyond the infatuation of the early years into knowing and being known through every circumstance.

…But it’s worth it

I’d fail you if I lied and said every day was like a cotton-candy scented rainbow. But the challenges my wife and I have overcome together and the high points we’ve also shared have united us in ways I can’t adequately describe. Even when money is short or work is stressing me out, having an intimate ally is a great blessing. And if you have children, having a solid marriage provides them with significant advantages in terms of their spiritual, emotional and intellectual health. All this to say, you can choose this and work toward it, and it will pay off for generations.

Marriage teaches you

Futurist George Gilder said marriage’s function was to civilize men. I don’t agree completely. I have learned over the years that marriage is, as my pastor says, the graduate school of service. If a man is to love his wife as Christ loves the church, there is a great pot of selfishness that has to die. Interestingly, that selfishness can’t die until it gets exposed. That happens in episodes over time.

If you had asked me on my wedding day if I thought I was selfish, I would have said no. I know better now, but I am still learning.

You will be tested

The old-school wedding vows exist for a reason. Our ancestors understood that our mortal condition was going to need some help. This is because hard times will come — maybe more than once. While you’re young and attraction is strong, it’s useful to have a reminder that you promised to hold on through tough times.

In our case, the first trial showed up just before our first anniversary in the form of a serious health diagnosis. It was not my finest hour as a husband. We worked through it largely because we are the sort not to enter into vows lightly. Thanks be to God!

And you will be tested

In a couple of previous posts, I have written about the husband’s role as spiritual head — as the leader — of his family. Going all the way back to the fall of man in the Garden of Eden, we see that one consequence of our fallen condition is that wives will tend toward dominating their husbands. Men who go along with this tendency rather than lovingly leading their wives can expect to see a loss in respect and attraction on the part of their wives. Understand that the tests a wife throws your way are her way of making sure she has chosen — and still has — the best of men. Leading helps her remember.

There is no magic number

A former colleague brought me to this realization when he explained that he and his wife got divorced after 20 years. “How?” I wondered,”Why?” I couldn’t understand how after all that time they could decide they could no longer stand being married to each other. He said they simply grew apart.

I still find that answer unsatisfying, but it galvanized my view that there is no point in your marriage when you can begin to coast or take your wife for granted. As the man, strive always to be your best. This means getting and staying fit, dressing well for your body type, and maintaining your intellectual and spiritual health as well. Continue to grow and you’ll remain interesting. This will help to maintain her attraction to you. And this will motivate her toward all kinds of good things.

It also means you Have a Plan and a mission, and that you invite your wife to join you in your quest. A quiet evening at home can be great for your marriage. Don’t just come home and flop on the couch by default. Have adventures together. Continue to initiate and to pursue her — in and out of the bedroom.

People say passion fades. I disagree.

Your mileage may vary

I have been married to one — and only one — woman, so understand that what my wife likes may or may not be the same as what your wife likes. Getting to know his own wife is a man’s greatest joy. It takes time, but that’s a good thing because you stay married a day at a time — and you’re aiming for a lifetime.

Likewise, measure what I or any man offers in the way of marriage advice against God’s word and use your God-given sense. I am aware that there are pitfalls in and around marriage — and I have been far from perfect as a husband. Still, I cannot imagine my life any other way, and I thank God again for blessing me with such a wife.

So how about you? How do you plan to build a strong and durable marriage? What lessons have you learned? Add your comments below.

“Marriage is the graduate school of service.” – Pastor David Chadwick

I’ve made no secret of my belief in marriage. Mrs. Booth and I have been married for nearly 32 years, with the struggles and joys that come with being married that long. It has been and is a great thing and I love being married to my wife.

And I admit that the climate for marriage in the west is hostile in many ways. From taxes that penalize marriage economically, to family courts that incentivize women to file for divorce from their husbands, to cultural Marxist feminism that seeks to destroy “the patriarchy” by destroying men, there is plenty of evidence to support a man’s decision not to marry. But let’s revisit one of my favorite axioms:

Abuse doesn’t invalidate use.

Marriage is to be kept pure…

The occasions when men commit murder with hammers doesn’t justify banning hammers or outlawing carpentry. The widespread misuse of the institution of marriage — from cohabitation and out-of-wedlock births, through frivolous no-fault divorce — doesn’t mean that marriage has forfeited its divine purpose.

Back to the beginning

If we look to the creation narrative in the second chapter of the Old Testament book of Genesis, we see that God had created the universe, placing man, whom he had made in his own image, at the top of the created order. God pronounced it good. But when he saw that he had made suitable mates for all the other creatures except man, God said, “it is not good that man should be alone.”

After evaluating every other type of creature and not finding a mate, a companion, a wife for the man, Adam, God did something remarkable. He put Adam to sleep and took flesh and bone from his side, making from them a woman, whom Adam called Eve. Note that up to this point, Adam was the bearer of the full imago dei — the image of God. In this, Adam reflected masculinity and femininity as God does. But when God created Eve to be Adam’s helper, his (in Hebrew) ezer kenegdo — literally his “life saver” — God split into two parts the imago dei, investing maleness and masculine strength in the man and investing femaleness and feminine beauty and tenderness in the woman. This is important, because Genesis 2:24-25 says this:

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

This one-flesh union, this intimate knowing, free of guilt and shame is the heart of marriage.

Breaking it down

Note the lack of self-consciousness and self-regard in this first marriage. Their nakedness and vulnerability was not something to exploit for advantage, rather it was open and generous. It cannot have been otherwise, as the one-flesh union would not have existed if Adam had not given himself to Eve, and Eve had not given herself to her husband.

Now it’s broken down

Have you noticed in our culture’s stories how marital sex is nearly always portrayed as a chore to be avoided, while affairs and other forms of sexual behavior appear exciting?  If I say the word monogamy, do you regard the concept as a positive or a negative one? Why? If you’re married, did your friends try to talk you out of it, citing the endless novelty of hookups compared to loving one woman for life? Part of this inversion is the distortion of our world through sin. So a loyal wife seems boring to her husband, compared to the women at his office, and an aloof cad is seemingly irresistible compared to a wife’s dependable husband.  This is why King Solomon wrote in Proverbs 9:16, “Stolen water is sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant.” But note this: Just because a forbidden thing is appealing doesn’t mean you shouldn’t avoid it. (See also poison mushrooms.)

Reacquiring the trail

If you dread the idea of marriage, in the present or the future, I want to encourage you to re-establish a biblical view of marriage. First, note that biblical marriage is a covenant rather than a contract. This is not a legal instrument between two consenting parties that can be broken at will. Among God’s people, a covenant is a binding, irrevocable joining between God and his people. There are obligations, but failure to perform doesn’t justify an exit.

It is true that you have the duty of spiritual headship, and the responsibility to shepherd, protect, and provide for your wife and children, and those obligations demand lifelong faithfulness. It is also true that you can expect to enjoy the marriage bed — sex — with your wife and the two of you have a responsibility to maintain this aspect of your marriage — especially when kiddos enter the picture. Check out Proverbs 5:15-19 for just one biblical encouragement in this area.

The ratio

Before Mrs. Booth and I married, an older friend took me aside and said, “I know you think marriage is a 50/50 proposition. It isn’t. It’s 100/100. It takes both of you giving it 100% for it to work.” I have learned that friend was 100% correct. And this brings us to service.

A generous spirit requires bravery

An unpleasant aspect of our times is the wariness that leads to near-constant score-keeping. We are willing to give, as long as we get, but heaven help the one who takes and never gives. Does that sound familiar? In marriage, we have to overcome the fear and serve each other generously. Even if you’re afraid you won’t get anything out of it, serve.

In Paul’s letter to the church at Ephesus, the apostle instructed wives to submit to their husbands, but he instructed husbands to love their wives the way Christ loved the church. In case you’re unfamiliar with the story, he died for her. Obviously, marriage is one of those things where you must be present to win, so what does this sacrificial service look like in the realm of mortals?

Here’s an example

In the fewest words, it means put others first. If you do this, God notices. And He is able to reward you. But I promised you an example.

If you haven’t seen the video for Andra Day’s song Rise Up, it’s a great portrayal of loving service in the context of marriage. Please watch this now. I’ll wait

This video, directed by M. Night Shyamalan, conveys so much truth, and Andra Day’s vocal performance drives it home. Note the wife pouring out her life for the husband who can no longer hold her. Though her reward would seem slight compared to what she — and he — expected when they first married, this is a shining example of loving and giving 100%.

And notice, also, how the husband doesn’t quit, either. He gives the strength he has, and she appreciates it. Good art with a true message!

Not just true in stories

You may argue that Shyamalan could tell the story any way he wants, and that the video is a made-up story. Fair enough, but I have a pastor friend whose wife has Multiple Sclerosis and he serves his wife in the same manner. He cares for her and loves her like Christ loves the church — the way he promised to when they wed. And he’s not the only man I know who has cared for his wife this way. I have written before about old-school wedding vows, and this is where they prove their worth.

I know there is great risk in getting married these days. The statistics, as we’ve noted, are grim. But it is also possible to find godly, virtuous women who want to be married to godly and masculine spiritual leaders. So for God’s sake (literally), lead, love, and serve. Your children need the stability that only a covenant marriage can provide them.

God would not have commanded this of husbands if men weren’t capable of doing it. If you aren’t that sort of man yet, stick around and learn how to be one. Or message me and let’s start a discussion.

It is not good for the man to be alone, but it also important to marry the kind of woman who will stick by you — and by whom you’ll stick — when the storms come. It can be done!

So how about you? How are you leading and serving in your marriage, or preparing to lead and serve in your marriage? Add your comments below.

“But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.”
-1 Peter 2:9 (NIV)

From the time my first son was born I have been a fan of C.S. Lewis’s The Chronicles of Narnia.  During my sons’ formative years, we probably read through the entire series — aloud — at least seven times.  This does not include the various other times I read one or another of the books for the enjoyment of it.

In book five (according to the copyright date — don’t get me started) titled The Horse and His Boy, we encounter a character who, despite his brief appearance in this one volume, made a real impression on me.  I am referring to King Lune of Archenland, a model of manliness as I hope you’ll see in the following passage:

“The King’s under the law, for it’s the law makes him a king.”

“As was certain to happen sooner or later, King Lune said it was time for young people to be in bed. “And tomorrow, Cor,” he added, “shalt come over all the castle with me and see the estate, and mark all its strength and weakness: for it will be thine to guard when I’m gone.”

“But Corin will be the King then, Father,” said Cor.

“Nay, lad,” said King Lune, “thou art my heir. The crown comes to thee.”

“But I don’t want it,” said Cor. “I’d far rather–”

“‘Tis no question what thou wantest, Cor, nor I either. ‘Tis in the course of law.”

“But if we’re twins we must be the same age.”

“Nay,” said the King with a laugh. “One must come first. Art Corin’s elder by full twenty minutes. And his better too, let’s hope, though that’s no great mastery.” And he looked at Corin with a twinkle in his eyes.

“But, Father, couldn’t you make whichever you like to be the next King?”

“No. The King’s under the law, for it’s the law makes him a king. Hast no more power to start away from thy crown than any sentry from his post.”

“Oh dear,” said Cor. “I don’t want to at all. And Corin– I am most dreadfully sorry. I never dreamed my turning up was going to chisel you out of your kingdom.”

“Hurrah! Hurrah!” said Corin. “I shan’t have to be king. I shan’t have to be king. I’ll always be a prince. It’s princes have all the fun.”

“And that’s truer than thy brother knows, Cor,” said King Lune. “For this is what it means to be a king: to be first in every desperate attack and last in every desperate retreat, and when there’s hunger in the land (as must be now and then in bad years) to wear finer clothes and laugh louder over a scantier meal than any man in your land.”

–C.S. Lewis, The Horse and His Boy in The Chronicles of Narnia

As a man, you are made to exercise your masculine strength.  If you’re called to be a husband, your mission is to be her head and to lead your wife toward ever-increasing Christlikeness.  If you’re blessed to be a father, your mission is to teach your children and train them in right living under the grace of God.  This type of spiritual headship has been described as a man’s being the king of his castle.

If you’re a leader — a king —  here are four concepts I offer for your consideration, based on the example of good King Lune.

Even kings are under authority

King Lune submits to the law, making him a moral and just leader.  If you read the entire series, you’ll understand that in the fictional realm of Narnia, there are laws because there is a transcendent law-giver.  So Lune wouldn’t have tried to change the law even if he wanted to. This is consistent with the saying that we are a country of laws, not men.  Everyone is subject to the same standard, even the king.

A king has a duty – he is not his own

Everyone in Archenland has his role.  As Lune points out, it isn’t a matter of what he, his son or anyone else prefers.  If your job is to be king, then by all means rule.  The monarch can’t shirk his responsibilities any more than a soldier or a sentry in the king’s army can be derelict in his.  As Robert E. Lee said, “You should do your duty in all things. You can never do more, you should never wish to do less.”

A king leads from the front

As Lune explains to his son what it means to be king, he models a concept known as leading from the front.  A good king is first in every charge, and the last man in every retreat.  He puts his own life on the line in battle, since it is by his authority that the kingdom is at war.  If there are hard times, he bears them with his subjects and doesn’t exempt or isolate himself from the suffering in his domain.  The motto at the Marine Corps Officer Candidate School is Ductus exemplo — lead by example.

A king sets the tone for those in his kingdom

Note that King Lune is no politician. He doesn’t promise never-ending prosperity, and he recognizes that bad years will come.  He understands and articulates that in those circumstances a good king doesn’t go into hiding.  Rather he brightens his attitude and those of his people by force of his optimism.  He wears fine clothes and laughs despite the lack of food on his plate because he has hope.

A husband and a father needs to be strong before his wife and children in this same way.  They are looking to their leader — you — to set the emotional and spiritual tone in good and bad times.  I personally couldn’t do this without God’s help, but I do it because I have hope

So how about you?  How do you — or how do you intend to — wield your authority in your domain?  Add your comments below.

“Marriage is the graduate school of service.” – Pastor David Chadwick

I’ve made no secret of my belief in marriage. Mrs. Booth and I have been married for nearly 32 years, with the struggles and joys that come with being married that long. It has been and is a great thing and I love being married to my wife.

And I admit that the climate for marriage in the west is hostile in many ways. From taxes that penalize marriage economically, to family courts that incentivize women to file for divorce from their husbands, to cultural Marxist feminism that seeks to destroy “the patriarchy” by destroying men, there is plenty of evidence to support a man’s decision not to marry. But let’s revisit one of my favorite axioms:

Abuse doesn’t invalidate use.

Marriage is to be kept pure…

The occasions when men commit murder with hammers doesn’t justify banning hammers or outlawing carpentry. The widespread misuse of the institution of marriage — from cohabitation and out-of-wedlock births, through frivolous no-fault divorce — doesn’t mean that marriage has forfeited its divine purpose.

Back to the beginning

If we look to the creation narrative in the second chapter of the Old Testament book of Genesis, we see that God had created the universe, placing man, whom he had made in his own image, at the top of the created order. God pronounced it good. But when he saw that he had made suitable mates for all the other creatures except man, God said, “it is not good that man should be alone.”

After evaluating every other type of creature and not finding a mate, a companion, a wife for the man, Adam, God did something remarkable. He put Adam to sleep and took flesh and bone from his side, making from them a woman, whom Adam called Eve. Note that up to this point, Adam was the bearer of the full imago dei — the image of God. In this, Adam reflected masculinity and femininity as God does. But when God created Eve to be Adam’s helper, his (in Hebrew) ezer kenegdo — literally his “life saver” — God split into two parts the imago dei, investing maleness and masculine strength in the man and investing femaleness and feminine beauty and tenderness in the woman. This is important, because Genesis 2:24-25 says this:

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

This one-flesh union, this intimate knowing, free of guilt and shame is the heart of marriage.

Breaking it down

Note the lack of self-consciousness and self-regard in this first marriage. Their nakedness and vulnerability was not something to exploit for advantage, rather it was open and generous. It cannot have been otherwise, as the one-flesh union would not have existed if Adam had not given himself to Eve, and Eve had not given herself to her husband.

Now it’s broken down

Have you noticed in our culture’s stories how marital sex is nearly always portrayed as a chore to be avoided, while affairs and other forms of sexual behavior appear exciting?  If I say the word monogamy, do you regard the concept as a positive or a negative one? Why? If you’re married, did your friends try to talk you out of it, citing the endless novelty of hookups compared to loving one woman for life? Part of this inversion is the distortion of our world through sin. So a loyal wife seems boring to her husband, compared to the women at his office, and an aloof cad is seemingly irresistible compared to a wife’s dependable husband.  This is why King Solomon wrote in Proverbs 9:16, “Stolen water is sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant.” But note this: Just because a forbidden thing is appealing doesn’t mean you shouldn’t avoid it. (See also poison mushrooms.)

Reacquiring the trail

If you dread the idea of marriage, in the present or the future, I want to encourage you to re-establish a biblical view of marriage. First, note that biblical marriage is a covenant rather than a contract. This is not a legal instrument between two consenting parties that can be broken at will. Among God’s people, a covenant is a binding, irrevocable joining between God and his people. There are obligations, but failure to perform doesn’t justify an exit.

It is true that you have the duty of spiritual headship, and the responsibility to shepherd, protect, and provide for your wife and children, and those obligations demand lifelong faithfulness. It is also true that you can expect to enjoy the marriage bed — sex — with your wife and the two of you have a responsibility to maintain this aspect of your marriage — especially when kiddos enter the picture. Check out Proverbs 5:15-19 for just one biblical encouragement in this area.

The ratio

Before Mrs. Booth and I married, an older friend took me aside and said, “I know you think marriage is a 50/50 proposition. It isn’t. It’s 100/100. It takes both of you giving it 100% for it to work.” I have learned that friend was 100% correct. And this brings us to service.

A generous spirit requires bravery

An unpleasant aspect of our times is the wariness that leads to near-constant score-keeping. We are willing to give, as long as we get, but heaven help the one who takes and never gives. Does that sound familiar? In marriage, we have to overcome the fear and serve each other generously. Even if you’re afraid you won’t get anything out of it, serve.

In Paul’s letter to the church at Ephesus, the apostle instructed wives to submit to their husbands, but he instructed husbands to love their wives the way Christ loved the church. In case you’re unfamiliar with the story, he died for her. Obviously, marriage is one of those things where you must be present to win, so what does this sacrificial service look like in the realm of mortals?

Here’s an example

In the fewest words, it means put others first. If you do this, God notices. And He is able to reward you. But I promised you an example.

If you haven’t seen the video for Andra Day’s song Rise Up, it’s a great portrayal of loving service in the context of marriage. Please watch this now. I’ll wait

This video, directed by M. Night Shyamalan, conveys so much truth, and Andra Day’s vocal performance drives it home. Note the wife pouring out her life for the husband who can no longer hold her. Though her reward would seem slight compared to what she — and he — expected when they first married, this is a shining example of loving and giving 100%.

And notice, also, how the husband doesn’t quit, either. He gives the strength he has, and she appreciates it. Good art with a true message!

Not just true in stories

You may argue that Shyamalan could tell the story any way he wants, and that the video is a made-up story. Fair enough, but I have a pastor friend whose wife has Multiple Sclerosis and he serves his wife in the same manner. He cares for her and loves her like Christ loves the church — the way he promised to when they wed. And he’s not the only man I know who has cared for his wife this way. I have written before about old-school wedding vows, and this is where they prove their worth.

I know there is great risk in getting married these days. The statistics, as we’ve noted, are grim. But it is also possible to find godly, virtuous women who want to be married to godly and masculine spiritual leaders. So for God’s sake (literally), lead, love, and serve. Your children need the stability that only a covenant marriage can provide them.

God would not have commanded this of husbands if men weren’t capable of doing it. If you aren’t that sort of man yet, stick around and learn how to be one. Or message me and let’s start a discussion.

It is not good for the man to be alone, but it also important to marry the kind of woman who will stick by you — and by whom you’ll stick — when the storms come. It can be done!

So how about you? How are you leading and serving in your marriage, or preparing to lead and serve in your marriage? Add your comments below.

“He who finds a wife finds a good thing
    and obtains favor from the Lord.” – Proverbs 18:22 (ESV)

Mrs. Booth and I celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary this week. I am profoundly thankful for the years we have had together, and I look forward to the years ahead. The institution of marriage has suffered multiple body blows over the past several decades — and the situation is so bad I hear some of you saying you never plan to marry. You may be called to lifelong singleness, but I doubt it. So whether or not you’re able to see yourself married in the future, here are some of the lessons I’ve learned over the past 30 years.

Established 1985

Marriage is hard work…

Dating and courtship are generally good things if one remembers that he is seeking a wife. As good as these methods may be, they provide incomplete data. Nothing prepares a couple for the reality of married life. It’s different when you’ve taken vows before God and witnesses to become one for the rest of your life. Critics scoff that it’s “just a piece of paper.” They are wrong. The weight of marriage strips away the prerogatives of consumerism — you can’t legitimately trade in a wife like a used car. And the work of marriage is to work beyond the infatuation of the early years into knowing and being known through every circumstance.

…But it’s worth it

I’d fail you if I lied and said every day was like a cotton-candy scented rainbow. But the challenges my wife and I have overcome together and the high points we’ve also shared have united us in ways I can’t adequately describe. Even when money is short or work is stressing me out, having an intimate ally is a great blessing. And if you have children, having a solid marriage provides them with significant advantages in terms of their spiritual, emotional and intellectual health. All this to say, you can choose this and work toward it, and it will pay off for generations.

Marriage teaches you

Futurist George Gilder said marriage’s function was to civilize men. I don’t agree completely. I have learned over the years that marriage is, as my pastor says, the graduate school of service. If a man is to love his wife as Christ loves the church, there is a great pot of selfishness that has to die. Interestingly, that selfishness can’t die until it gets exposed. That happens in episodes over time.

If you had asked me on my wedding day if I thought I was selfish, I would have said no. I know better now, but I am still learning.

You will be tested

The old-school wedding vows exist for a reason. Our ancestors understood that our mortal condition was going to need some help. This is because hard times will come — maybe more than once. While you’re young and attraction is strong, it’s useful to have a reminder that you promised to hold on through tough times.

In our case, the first trial showed up just before our first anniversary in the form of a serious health diagnosis. It was not my finest hour as a husband. We worked through it largely because we are the sort not to enter into vows lightly. Thanks be to God!

And you will be tested

In a couple of previous posts, I have written about the husband’s role as spiritual head — as the leader — of his family. Going all the way back to the fall of man in the Garden of Eden, we see that one consequence of our fallen condition is that wives will tend toward dominating their husbands. Men who go along with this tendency rather than lovingly leading their wives can expect to see a loss in respect and attraction on the part of their wives. Understand that the tests a wife throws your way are her way of making sure she has chosen — and still has — the best of men. Leading helps her remember.

There is no magic number

A former colleague brought me to this realization when he explained that he and his wife got divorced after 20 years. “How?” I wondered,”Why?” I couldn’t understand how after all that time they could decide they could no longer stand being married to each other. He said they simply grew apart.

I still find that answer unsatisfying, but it galvanized my view that there is no point in your marriage when you can begin to coast or take your wife for granted. As the man, strive always to be your best. This means getting and staying fit, dressing well for your body type, and maintaining your intellectual and spiritual health as well. Continue to grow and you’ll remain interesting. This will help to maintain her attraction to you. And this will motivate her toward all kinds of good things.

It also means you Have a Plan and a mission, and that you invite your wife to join you in your quest. A quiet evening at home can be great for your marriage. Don’t just come home and flop on the couch by default. Have adventures together. Continue to initiate and to pursue her — in and out of the bedroom.

People say passion fades. I disagree.

Your mileage may vary

I have been married to one — and only one — woman, so understand that what my wife likes may or may not be the same as what your wife likes. Getting to know his own wife is a man’s greatest joy. It takes time, but that’s a good thing because you stay married a day at a time — and you’re aiming for a lifetime.

Likewise, measure what I or any man offers in the way of marriage advice against God’s word and use your God-given sense. I am aware that there are pitfalls in and around marriage — and I have been far from perfect as a husband. Still, I cannot imagine my life any other way, and I thank God again for blessing me with such a wife.

It’s worth it

So how about you? How do you plan to build a strong and durable marriage? What lessons have you learned? Add your comments below.

P.S. In honor of 31 years, I want to add a few extra thoughts here:

1. You stay married a day at a time — that’s how you make the years count.
2. You’ll never know how good it can be if you don’t stick it out through the tough times.
3. Make your marriage the most important relationship in the house. Kids are supposed to grow up and leave. If you haven’t made your marriage central, your kids will move out and your household will lose its reason for being. This is not good.
4. Becoming grandparents opens up whole new reservoirs of delight.
   

   Update: It’s still worth it!

“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.”
  — Franklin P. Jones

We can talk about politics another day — and we might want to soon — but for now, here’s a fun story about an afternoon I spent with one of my sons back when he was eight years old:

I should add, if you’re not sure what Levitra is, that it was one of several prescription medicines promoted to treat erectile dysfunction.

Fatherhood is one of my greatest joys. And as they say about contests, you must be present to win. But notice you also have to be careful: laugh at the wrong time and you can wound your son or daughter.

Whether you’re a dad, or hope to be one someday, you have so much to look forward to!

So how about you? What’s one of the funniest things you’ve heard a child say? Add your comment below.

Note: In last week’s post, I quoted J. R. R. Tolkien’s saying that monogamy for men isn’t natural. I agree. It is, however, worth the effort as I explain in this post and its follow-up.

“He who loves one woman has loved them all. He who has loved many women has loved none.”  – Spanish proverb

In my last post, I explained why the myth of “The One” could be hazardous to your prospects for a healthy and satisfying marriage. Some men refer to this phenomenon as oneitis (as in: one-itis), and its effects generally produce rash decisions in men. Women tell each other not to settle; I’m telling you not to settle. Marriage is far too important a commitment — lifelong, remember? — to enter without counting the cost. At the same time, I am telling you not to drive past a sign that says “last chance for gasoline for 100 miles.”

You can only get there if you go together.
(Photo by Ben Rosett)

Today I’d like for us to talk about the challenges and rewards of monogamy. If oneitis and overexalting romantic love cause men to rush into commitment too quickly, the exclusivity and security of marriage — two of the greatest blessings of marriage — can feel (note that word, feel) confining and motivate men and women to seek too hasty an exit.

No-fault divorce and other aspects of what is called family law,  combined with western consumerism have caused far too many couples to give up and check out before they discover the sweetness of overcoming these challenges together.

Too much of a good thing?

Those who preach against monogamy claim that it’s boring and unrealistic. Citing evolutionary biology they say that, since we’re animals, we’re wired for promiscuity. For this reason, they argue, a man’s desire for novelty and variety is nothing surprising and nothing to get upset about. Any man will tell you that his loins have no conscience, but if we were honest, we would have to acknowledge that we are to use our minds and our moral sense to govern and control our impulses — and our loins.

After all, if the presence of an urge is sufficient proof of its rightness, we would steal and kill with impunity. I’m not aware of any mainstream school of thought that endorses theft and murder on the grounds they are natural. Only sexuality is given such an out. That should tell you something. Besides, if God commands that we avoid certain behaviors, it would seem reasonable that it can be done.

Abundance mindset

In the same way that single men should avoid cultivating a scarcity mindset, a married man should also view his marriage as a place of abundance. It is true that the husband has pledged himself for life to one woman, but she is now and forever his woman. Instead of seeing this as cutting himself off from possibilities, he has unlocked the door to a treasure house if he knows how to appreciate it.

Please note: There is no shortage of things that can go wrong in marriage. I still believe it’s worth it, and I wouldn’t even try it without God’s help.

Marriage to the right woman is a blessing, but it’s still hard work

Even before the fall (Genesis 3 — you could look it up), Adam and Eve had work to do, tending the Garden of Eden. After the fall the work became more difficult. So even if you are blessed to marry a beautiful, godly, kind, generous and sensible woman who wants to follow your lead, she is still as fallen as you are. As her husband, you still have the task of being the spiritual head of your wife and of leading her toward Christ over the course of your life together. Note that if you must lead her toward Christ, you will both have to overcome your tendency to stray away from him. That’s on you, mate.

Feelings will come and go, and the child-rearing years will affect your relationship, her body, your body, and the time you will have available to cultivate your relationship. Resist the temptation to regard any moment, any hour, any day or any year as the sum of what your marriage is or can be. Each of these is a snapshot that can convey a piece of the truth, but cannot contain it all. Assume the best about each other.

I’ll write more about this later, but if I could only give one piece of advice it would be this: Make your relationship with your wife the most important relationship under Heaven — and certainly the most important relationship in the house. If you make it about the kids, you’ll lose your purpose when they grow up and move out, knocking the poles out of your tent.

So how about you? How are preparing now to have a marriage that goes the distance? Add your comments below.

“He who finds a wife finds a good thing
    and obtains favor from the Lord.” – Proverbs 18:22 (ESV)

Mrs. Booth and I celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary this week. I am profoundly thankful for the years we have had together, and I look forward to the years ahead. The institution of marriage has suffered multiple body blows over the past several decades — and the situation is so bad I hear some of you saying you never plan to marry. You may be called to lifelong singleness, but I doubt it. So whether or not you’re able to see yourself married in the future, here are some of the lessons I’ve learned over the past 30 years.

Established 1985

Marriage is hard work…

Dating and courtship are generally good things if one remembers that he is seeking a wife. As good as these methods may be, they provide incomplete data. Nothing prepares a couple for the reality of married life. It’s different when you’ve taken vows before God and witnesses to become one for the rest of your life. Critics scoff that it’s “just a piece of paper.” They are wrong. The weight of marriage strips away the prerogatives of consumerism — you can’t legitimately trade in a wife like a used car. And the work of marriage is to work beyond the infatuation of the early years into knowing and being known through every circumstance.

…But it’s worth it

I’d fail you if I lied and said every day was like a cotton-candy scented rainbow. But the challenges my wife and I have overcome together and the high points we’ve also shared have united us in ways I can’t adequately describe. Even when money is short or work is stressing me out, having an intimate ally is a great blessing. And if you have children, having a solid marriage provides them with significant advantages in terms of their spiritual, emotional and intellectual health. All this to say, you can choose this and work toward it, and it will pay off for generations.

Marriage teaches you

Futurist George Gilder said marriage’s function was to civilize men. I don’t agree completely. I have learned over the years that marriage is, as my pastor says, the graduate school of service. If a man is to love his wife as Christ loves the church, there is a great pot of selfishness that has to die. Interestingly, that selfishness can’t die until it gets exposed. That happens in episodes over time.

If you had asked me on my wedding day if I thought I was selfish, I would have said no. I know better now, but I am still learning.

You will be tested

The old-school wedding vows exist for a reason. Our ancestors understood that our mortal condition was going to need some help. This is because hard times will come — maybe more than once. While you’re young and attraction is strong, it’s useful to have a reminder that you promised to hold on through tough times.

In our case, the first trial showed up just before our first anniversary in the form of a serious health diagnosis. It was not my finest hour as a husband. We worked through it largely because we are the sort not to enter into vows lightly. Thanks be to God!

And you will be tested

In a couple of previous posts, I have written about the husband’s role as spiritual head — as the leader — of his family. Going all the way back to the fall of man in the Garden of Eden, we see that one consequence of our fallen condition is that wives will tend toward dominating their husbands. Men who go along with this tendency rather than lovingly leading their wives can expect to see a loss in respect and attraction on the part of their wives. Understand that the tests a wife throws your way are her way of making sure she has chosen — and still has — the best of men. Leading helps her remember.

There is no magic number

A former colleague brought me to this realization when he explained that he and his wife got divorced after 20 years. “How?” I wondered,”Why?” I couldn’t understand how after all that time they could decide they could no longer stand being married to each other. He said they simply grew apart.

I still find that answer unsatisfying, but it galvanized my view that there is no point in your marriage when you can begin to coast or take your wife for granted. As the man, strive always to be your best. This means getting and staying fit, dressing well for your body type, and maintaining your intellectual and spiritual health as well. Continue to grow and you’ll remain interesting. This will help to maintain her attraction to you. And this will motivate her toward all kinds of good things.

It also means you Have a Plan and a mission, and that you invite your wife to join you in your quest. A quiet evening at home can be great for your marriage. Don’t just come home and flop on the couch by default. Have adventures together. Continue to initiate and to pursue her — in and out of the bedroom.

People say passion fades. I disagree.

Your mileage may vary

I have been married to one — and only one — woman, so understand that what my wife likes may or may not be the same as what your wife likes. Getting to know his own wife is a man’s greatest joy. It takes time, but that’s a good thing because you stay married a day at a time — and you’re aiming for a lifetime.

Likewise, measure what I or any man offers in the way of marriage advice against God’s word and use your God-given sense. I am aware that there are pitfalls in and around marriage — and I have been far from perfect as a husband. Still, I cannot imagine my life any other way, and I thank God again for blessing me with such a wife.

It’s worth it

So how about you? How do you plan to build a strong and durable marriage? What lessons have you learned? Add your comments below.

Moths don’t recognize the danger posed by the flame

And what of the institutions that used to count on the unique contributions, participation and leadership of men?  Nearly all have concluded that they don’t need a man.  Sadly , this includes large portions of the church.  No churches place signs outside saying “No men allowed,” but rare is the church that actively values men and their created role, and that teaches forthrightly the respective and complimentary roles of men and women in the church, especially as it regards male spiritual headship in marriage.

Speaking of marriage, we must confront the sad fact that over 70% of divorces in the US are initiated by the wife.  One would think that if men and women were equally cussed, there would be  something close to an even split among those filing for divorce.  Not so.  Others have explained in greater detail that the family court system favors women in divorce actions, awarding them custody of the children, child support and alimony, even if the wife violates the marriage vows. So here in three paragraphs is a snapshot — admittedly incomplete — of the habitat of contemporary masculinity.

The temptation to fatalism is understandable, and doubtless some men are foregoing the benefits of education, the challenge of pursuing a career , the camaraderie of the church and the comforts, however fraught, of loving a woman.  The question I would pose to my sons, my nephews and you is: Is this adaptive?

What Should A Man Do?

If you’re one of these men who is considering opting out or has already checked out, I’m glad to have this opportunity to address you. I agree it’s difficult, but what do you gain, and what does the world gain by your retreat?  No man should believe of himself that he’s just here using oxygen — you were created for a purpose, and the first part of your mission is to discover it.  Then you need to be about it  “OK,” you say, “how?”

I advocate engaging the current culture but not on its terms.  This means being creative and resourceful in becoming the best possible version of yourself.  This starts with taking an inventory of your strengths and your weaknesses and building where you’re strongest and where you have the greatest opportunity for improvement. When you understand why you’re here and when your mind, your body, your spirit and your relationships are as good as they can be, your external circumstances will have less power over you.

Mind

College, and the debt required to pay for a degree, may not make economic sense.  If that’s your case, it’s completely understandable, but that is not an excuse for being uneducated.  In my county library cards are free, and there are classic works you can read online for free.  How about starting with the theoretical and philosophical foundations of western civilization?  Read Plato.  Read Aristotle.  Read the Odyssey. Read the Bible.   Perhaps your circumstances will improve and you can matriculate.  If so, you’ll be far ahead of your classmates who have not read these works, because you will have read them for the love of wisdom, rather than to get a grade.  And if not, you’ll have learned from the great minds without incurring debt.

Several young men I know are living at home and completing their freshman and sophomore years at the local community college while working to pay their way through.  The cost per credit hour is about 25% of the cost of the state U and the credits are transferable. These men also have the opportunity to take some trade courses if they want to pick up skills such as welding as a fallback.  Ten years after you graduate college, the only people who care where you went are the fundraisers from your alma mater.

Body

Most women say they aren’t into bodybuilders, but they do like muscles.  If you don’t have a habit of exercise, get one.

Men focus on facial and bodily symmetry and the waist-hip ratio first.  Women do like a man with a handsome face, but they like an interesting and confident man more.  How can you improve your looks and your confidence?  Determine what you need.  Better posture? A public speaking course? A new haircut?  Better grooming? New clothes that fit properly? (Your mom doesn’t buy your clothes, does she?)  Good shoes?  I’m not joking.  Especially about the shoes.

Spirit/Relationships

Find a group of guys who share your values and your commitment to being a man.  Encourage each other to achieve your goals and to do right, even if others seem to profit by doing wrong.  Seek God together.  Worship together.  Serve the community together.  Have fun together.  Take the time to become friends.  And if one of your guys falls, help him get back on his feet.

We’re still getting to know each other, so I’ll  wrap this up for now.  I do want to add that while it is true that the desire to attract a beautiful woman can be a powerful motivator for some men, you’re going to need to pursue excellence for its own sake even if —  especially if — there isn’t necessarily a quality woman at the end of the process.  I’ll bet there will be, but if you make her the focus, you won’t aim high enough and you’ll abandon your mission at the first indication of a woman’s attention.  More on this later.

What about you?  Where are you strongest?  Where do you need the most improvement?  For what it’s worth, I believe in focusing on improving my strengths, and addressing my weaknesses only as much as necessary.  (If you’re a quarterback, it’s better to improve at your position, than to try to become a linebacker.)  So, what would that look like for you?  And what’s preventing you from getting started?  Add your comments below

“I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine; he grazes among the lilies.” – Song of Solomon 6:3

In my last post, I began a discussion regarding the benefits of monogamy. You can read Part I here. This time, I’d like to lay out some of the blessings and benefits of lifelong faithfulness.

Knowing and being known — intimacy

The marriage bed is an indispensable part of marriage. For a man, marriage is sex; sex is marriage. That is, the substance of marriage is inextricably linked to the becoming one flesh that defined marriage when the world was new. Monogamy pays off decades into your marriage. You’ll see this as your desire for your wife becomes keener when you realize that in addition to her body, you are attracted to the emotional and spiritual connection. When you arrive there, you realize what a cheap con is on offer in commercials, in pornography and in the hookup culture. None of these can provide the knowing, the true oneness that you can have in the marriage bed with your own wife.

Soul union

We in the West have made a grave error regarding marriage. We have corrupted a divine picture of the love of God and have made it into an institution for adult fulfillment. To be sure there is great happiness and fulfillment — pleasure — in marriage, but these are byproducts of faithful living, rather than ends in themselves.

The one-flesh union of husband and wife is an image of the union of Christ and the church. Consider the parallels between the marital union and the sacrament of the Eucharist (Communion). In this mystery, the bride and the groom unite. The bride receives and takes in the groom’s body and blood receiving His life and strength in return for her surrender. He spends Himself for her. This is a reality so far beyond stimulating a few nerve endings — no matter how intense.

It takes a lifetime

I have a theory that marriages progress over time. The courtship phase is mostly physical, as the man’s physiology reacts to the sight of his beloved, her scent, the softness of her skin. Her response to him is equal in its intensity, even if it expresses differently. The largely physical component at this stage is a bit like playing with magnets: you can get any two of them to stick as long as the polarity is lined up and they’re close enough.

These days it’s all too common for relationships to begin with physical intimacy. The problem with this is twofold: 1) Between two similarly attractive people, the physical bond nearly always works, and it creates a lingering attachment, and 2) That bond isn’t strong enough to sustain a marriage.

As the novelty of courtship and the passion of the honeymoon give way to living day-to-day as husband and wife, the spiritual substance of marriage grows in importance. Couples that seek and desire this spiritual substance grow deeper in their affection and admiration for each other, and romantic love and attraction grow with them. The couple and their marriage become more resilient. After nearly 30 years of marriage, I can tell you you’re going to need that resilience.

Couples that ignore the spiritual aspect of marriage find that the ride is more like that of a roller coaster — lots of excitement early on, followed by a steady loss of momentum.

The blessings of exclusivity

As I mentioned previously, your bond with your wife is to be unlike any other relationship on earth. You are hers and she is yours — forsaking all others, as the vows say. Do this, and God has something wonderful for the two of you. Proverbs 5 says it this way:

15 Drink water from your own cistern,
    flowing water from your own well.
¹⁶ Should your springs be scattered abroad,
    streams of water in the streets?
¹⁷ Let them be for yourself alone,
    and not for strangers with you.
¹⁸ Let your fountain be blessed,
    and rejoice in the wife of your youth,
¹⁹     a lovely deer, a graceful doe.
Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight;
    be intoxicated always in her love.”

Marriage has a divine purpose, but it also brings with it unparalleled joys for the ones who honor it. As I’ve said previously, marriage is the track on which love runs — not the other way around. Taking the time to get to know a woman before becoming physically intimate, pledging love or proposing marriage is the best method for seeing the woman as she really is, instead of how you wish her to be.

It is this, my friends, that will enable you to be the spiritual leader your wife needs and respects. I’ve said it before: Strive to be the man she needs and you’ll be the man she wants.

Finish strong

There are no magic numbers beyond which you can begin to coast. You have a lifelong, covenant obligation to lead and serve your wife, and she has a lifelong covenant obligation to submit to your headship. This complementarity maintains attraction that can last as long as you live.

Since I trust you will not get married unless you’re willing to make such a commitment to one woman for life, I hope these words will find their way into your memory and serve you when you’re ten or twenty years or more into your married life.

So how about you? How are you preparing yourself to be a faithful husband? What resources have you found helpful? Add your comments below.