“Well begun is half done.” – Aristotle

Throughout my life, I’ve found that I begin new tasks with great gusto. This is a good thing, and I have learned to take advantage of my enthusiasm to create momentum that will help carry me through the eventual letdown. The particulars vary from project to project, but it’s usually the result of higher-than-expected costs, missing parts, or delays. When the slog hits, it’s critically important to have built in some incentives to help keep your motivation and to keep you on track.

Wisdom from the ancient world

I’ve always liked the quotation above from Aristotle. For most of my existence, I’ve taken it to mean that a strong start is a great advantage. This is just one of the axioms I refer to to help me overcome procrastination — to begin now — especially on those difficult or unpleasant chores. But there’s another way to interpret it: a strong beginning is only half the battle. You and I are bound to run into what is known as the “muddle in the middle.”

This is true of books, blog posts, product launches — and it’s also true of life.

Solomon sacrifices his lineage on the altar of an idol — Don’t be that guy

Enter King Solomon

Let’s look at King Solomon to illustrate what I mean. Frequent readers will know that I refer often to the biblical book of Proverbs — written primarily by Solomon, the son of King David, who succeeded his father on the throne of ancient Israel. As king, Solomon was unparalleled. He was wise and wealthy because God had blessed him from the beginning of his reign.

In addition to these gifts, God chose Solomon to build the temple in Jerusalem — the center of worship for God’s chosen people. And his body of work also included three books of the Bible — part of the Bible’s wisdom literature — Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, and the Song of Solomon. Clearly Solomon had an enviable collection of skills and used them to accomplish many good and enduring things.

It didn’t end well

However, as he grew comfortable in his achievements, apparently, Solomon became complacent. In the following passage from 1 Kings, Chapter 11, we see that Solomon squandered something essential:

King Solomon, however, loved many foreign women besides Pharaoh’s daughter—Moabites, Ammonites, Edomites, Sidonians and Hittites. They were from nations about which the Lord had told the Israelites, “You must not intermarry with them, because they will surely turn your hearts after their gods.” Nevertheless, Solomon held fast to them in love.  He had seven hundred wives of royal birth and three hundred concubines, and his wives led him astray. As Solomon grew old, his wives turned his heart after other gods, and his heart was not fully devoted to the Lord his God, as the heart of David his father had been. He followed Ashtoreth the goddess of the Sidonians, and Molek the detestable god of the Ammonites. So Solomon did evil in the eyes of the Lord; he did not follow the Lord completely, as David his father had done.

On a hill east of Jerusalem, Solomon built a high place for Chemosh the detestable god of Moab, and for Molek the detestable god of the Ammonites. He did the same for all his foreign wives, who burned incense and offered sacrifices to their gods.

The Lord became angry with Solomon because his heart had turned away from the Lord, the God of Israel, who had appeared to him twice. Although he had forbidden Solomon to follow other gods, Solomon did not keep the Lord’s command. So the Lord said to Solomon, “Since this is your attitude and you have not kept my covenant and my decrees, which I commanded you, I will most certainly tear the kingdom away from you and give it to one of your subordinates. Nevertheless, for the sake of David your father, I will not do it during your lifetime. I will tear it out of the hand of your son. Yet I will not tear the whole kingdom from him, but will give him one tribe for the sake of David my servant and for the sake of Jerusalem, which I have chosen.”

What went wrong?

Notice the telltale signs. Like his father before him, Solomon got his head turned because of his sexual appetite. Despite God’s direct instruction to the contrary, he amassed a harem of 1,000 women — most from the idol-worshiping folk Solomon’s ancestors had conquered to inhabit the land of promise.

As I wrote in an earlier two-part post titled, “When You Marry a Mountain Girl, You Marry the Mountain,” you’re going to adopt the ways of the people you spend time with — this is especially true of one’s spouse. This is another reason it’s better to marry someone with similar beliefs and values. Failure to do this results in what the Bible calls “being unequally yoked.” In agricultural terms unequally yoked animals couldn’t  plow straight, as the stronger animal would always pull the weaker in its direction. In Solomon’s case, his wandering eye resulted in a wandering heart that worshiped inert idols in place of the living God. This ultimately led to the destruction of the temple Solomon built, but also to the captivity of God’s people.

How to avoid foolishness and failure

The objective here is to be a faithful steward of the gift that is your life. This means you don’t want to peak in high school, and it also means you don’t want to put it in neutral once you hit 50, 60, 70, whatever. To finish your life strong and satisfied, here’s what I recommend:

Begin with the end in mind – The late Stephen Covey coined this phrase in his book, The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People.  Having a mission — a purpose with a desired outcome — in front of you is paramount. It’s a challenge to remain as motivated at the end of your shift as you are when you clock in, but having a mission makes it easier. Notice that Solomon’s resolve weakened as he got older.

Count the cost – The funniest and yet saddest episodes of the TV show “American Idol” are the ones featuring the deluded contestants who swear they can sing — the judges just aren’t being fair. If you want to be a professional musician, you have to put in the time in solitary practice. The 10,000-hour rule is no joke — and you can only spend those hours on one thing, not multiple things. This is the definition of opportunity cost. What are you willing to do without to achieve at your peak? It’s your life, so do be honest with yourself.

Stay connected to your power source – To be the best possible version of yourself you need to be working at the intersection of your Passion, Purpose, and Potential. This is a quest, and it is easier for some than for others, but the effort is worth it. God made you and He knows His plans for you. Get out your spiritual shovel and dig with your eyes open. Don’t get discouraged if you have to do some living before it snaps into focus. It’s all training if you’re legitimately seeking. And when you find it, you’ll have to pray, study and reflect — alone and with others —  to stay on track.

Stay fresh – I know I’ve said it before: You’re either green and growing or you’re ripe and rotting. Are you an expert? A virtuoso? Not yet? You still have those challenges in front of you. If you are an expert or a virtuoso, consider the challenge of teaching what you’ve learned to other people. There’s always more to learn, more to do — and if you’re not dead, you’re not done.

Get some rest – Take care of your body by exercising, eating right, drinking plenty of water, and getting enough sleep.

Get your mind right – The body goes where the head goes. Competitive divers learn this to enter the water with that minimal splash the judges reward. It’s the same in life. And we’ve talked about it before: thoughts lead to feelings; feelings lead to behaviors. If you’re not impaired, you can choose what to think about — good or bad.

But sometimes you’re vulnerable. Then what? As Dr. Charles Stanley advises, use the H.A.L.T. method to avoid giving in to the temptation to foolishness — whatever form that takes for you. Don’t do anything when you’re Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. Whether you’re tempted by an unlocked door, an unwholesome relationship, a bottle, a smoke, or a plate of fries, it’s much easier to resist when you recognize when and where your defenses are at their lowest, and you can see the larger goal beyond the moment.

Is it hopeless if I’ve wrecked it?

Not at all. If you live to tell the tale, you can still finish well. If you need a refresher on Grace and forgiveness or if the whole idea is new to you, you can read about it here. Your Father in Heaven made you, and He — with all His faithful ones — is cheering you on. You can be clean. You can be His. You can be faithful in fulfilling your mission and finish strong.

So how about you? What steps are you taking now to finish well. Encourage your brothers by declaring it below.

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion — to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.” – Isaiah 61:1-3 (NIV)

Let’s continue our discussion from the previous two posts. In part I, I told how I recommended to a friend that he read the Old Testament story of Joseph, and how he didn’t expect to encounter the story of Judah and Tamar — a single chapter in the book of Genesis that appears in the middle of the story of Joseph. In Part II, I explained why the story appears in the Bible. Today, I want to explain why this seemingly random story matters, and what we can learn from it. But first, we have to state a most important premise:

Reading the book without getting the lesson leaves out something important.

The Bible is ultimately all about Jesus. (He said so.)

As surprising as it may seem, Judah and Tamar figure in His story, too. After all, Jesus is not the descendant of Levi, and even though Joseph’s story is magnificent, Joseph is not the direct ancestor of the Messiah. Judah is.

Look at Jesus’ family tree in the gospel of Matthew.

This is the genealogy of Jesus the Messiah the son of David, the son of Abraham: Abraham was the father of Isaac, Isaac the father of Jacob, Jacob the father of Judah and his brothers, Judah the father of Perez and Zerah, whose mother was Tamar, Perez the father of Hezron, Hezron the father of Ram, Ram the father of Amminadab, Amminadab the father of Nahshon, Nahshon the father of Salmon, Salmon the father of Boaz, whose mother was Rahab, Boaz the father of Obed, whose mother was Ruth, Obed the father of Jesse, and Jesse the father of King David.” – Matthew 1:1-6 (NIV)

And, of course, this is just the first part. You can read the entire genealogy of Jesus here, or you can listen to Andrew Peterson’s song Matthew’s Begats below.

Lessons from Judah and Tamar

Here’s what I take away from this story and its presence in the Bible:

• It all fits together — The sacred and the profane, the glorious and the scandalous are part of the picture. This doesn’t justify the profane or inglorious, but it does illuminate the grace and generosity of God. The Japanese art of kintsugi made use of gold to repair broken cups and dishes, making the brokenness and the repair part of the beauty and the story of the vessel. God, the master craftsman, can take all the broken parts and communicate something eternal through each one of us.
• God’s purpose can’t be thwarted — If God were as dainty as we imagine, the slightest human frailty would derail His plans. Here we see God, like a master of jiu-jitsu, taking the fallibility of Judah and Tamar and using it to continue progress toward the advent of the promised Messiah.
• It all matters (even the bad stuff) — Again, I’m not advocating that we all go out and sin just so we can experience the joy of forgiveness. But recognize that every occasion of failure is a new opportunity to find comfort from our Father in Heaven, and to know His love more profoundly. Note that if Onan hadn’t rebelled, and if Judah and Tamar hadn’t conceived, Perez would not have been born.
• Nobody’s here by accident — If your parents ever described your birth — or worse, you — as an accident, it’s time to shake that off. As we see in this story and in the genealogy of Jesus, there are at least two births that technically shouldn’t have happened, yet they did. Perez and Solomon were both the sons born of liaisons that were not by the book, and yet each man had his role in bringing about the central fact of history, the birth of Jesus our Redeemer. None of us can tell from here what our life’s total contribution will be to the larger story, but isn’t it better to live in the expectation that one has such potential, and to aim for it?
• The Bible is true — The story of Judah and Tamar illustrates the space-time reality of the life of Jesus. He isn’t some cipher of unknown origin. The writers of scripture placed Jesus in direct descent from Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Judah, and David — and all of this in accordance with prophecy. These are additional reasons you can hang your hat on the reliability of the Bible.

A little more about that last point: If you and I were trying to start a religion from scratch, we wouldn’t include the flaws and failures of our founders. Yet that is exactly what the Bible shows again and again. Look at Tamar posing as a prostitute to get an heir, and look at Judah the lonely (and randy) widower who falls into the honey trap set by his scorned daughter-in-law.

Then look ahead to Rahab the harlot in the lineage of Jesus — King David’s great grandmother. And that’s not all. David famously betrayed loyal Uriah the Hittite to cover his adulterous affair with Uriah’s wife, Bathsheba. Yet it was Solomon, the son of David and Bathsheba who built the Temple in Jerusalem and carried the messianic line forward.

This frankness about the earthy nature of Jesus’ earthly ancestors shows that God is not faint of heart, nor squeamish when it comes to our preoccupation with sex. Nor is he put-off by our rebellion and resistance. Instead, He is patiently and persistently loving fallen and fallible people like you and me. You and I — broken as we are — can be and are redeemed and take our place in the Great Story God is telling. Even though you may feel far away from God based on something you’ve done or are doing, if you’re breathing it isn’t too late to turn to Him.

So how about you? How does the story of Judah and Tamar encourage you? Add your comments below.

“Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron’s cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.” – C. S. Lewis

In two recent posts under this same title, I summarized the message of Roy H. Williams’ and Michael Drew’s book Pendulum: How Past Generations Shape Our Present and Predict Our Future. As I explained in Part I, the thrust of the book is that history unfolds in cycles — like a pendulum — through forty-year arcs from what the authors refer to as a “Peak Me” phase to a “Peak We” phase. The period from a peak We to the next peak We  — one round trip — is roughly eighty years, and the authors claim we are heading for the next peak We in or around 2023 — less than six years from now.

The apex of a We cycle brings an over-the-top emphasis on conformity for the common good, stifling individuality, and suppressing individual liberty. Unfortunately, according to the authors, it always goes to extremes, bringing witch hunts and bloodbaths.

In Part I, I laid out the reasons why I think the current conditions in the US support the authors’ hypothesis. In Part II, I discussed how I think the unpleasantness might show up. Today, I want to offer some thoughts and encouragement on how we ought to live through difficult and dangerous times.

Is there light at the end of the tunnel? We’re going to find out!

Tough times aren’t anything new

First, it’s important to remember that this generation will not be the first to live through a peak We, or even the first to endure hard times. A family member with whom I was discussing this series pointed out that although World War II was a time of excessive violence and conformity, there was also a great deal of wholesome unity as Americans banded together to endure hardship and support the war effort. This observation is correct, and it neither rebuts nor excuses the internment of Japanese Americans in camps.

The potential for overreach notwithstanding, I believe it is possible for faithful men to live honorable, courageous, and fulfilling lives even in the midst of trouble. Consider the persecution of the first-century church at the hands of the Roman Empire. Christians rejected the empire’s demands that they confess Caesar as lord, and they suffered condemnation and martyrdom as a result. Even so, the apostles Peter and Paul each wrote that Christians were to submit to the authorities,  and more – they were to pray for the emperor. If you are unclear how hostile the relationship was between the empire and the church, take a look at the emperor Nero and the persecution he visited on followers of Jesus.

Options = strength. Strength = options

Making it happen

Your mindset matters

Love your neighbor (yes, that one) — If you’re on board with sowing good seed to help your community hold together, let’s go back to the Good Book. “Love your neighbor as you love yourself” goes back 3,000 years — and that’s still the best advice. To love your neighbor when things get dicey, you have to get to know him now, before things get difficult.

“Thus says the Lord of hosts, the God of Israel, to all the exiles whom I have sent into exile from Jerusalem to Babylon: ⁵ Build houses and live in them; plant gardens and eat their produce. ⁶ Take wives and have sons and daughters; take wives for your sons, and give your daughters in marriage, that they may bear sons and daughters; multiply there, and do not decrease. ⁷ But seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the Lord on its behalf, for in its welfare you will find your welfare.” – Jeremiah 29:4-7 (ESV)

Bridge the divide — Find ways to establish common denominators with your opposite numbers. No, you can’t make people love you but you can model godliness. Previously, I referred to Charles Murray’s book, Coming Apart, and the trends he cited that signified a growing separation between college-educated and non-college-educated Americans.

Emphasize and live in the theology of the body — Recognize that we need each other and we need to be able to cooperate with people who are different from us.

¹² For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of the body, though many, are one body, so it is with Christ. ¹³ For in one Spirit we were all baptized into one body—Jews or Greeks, slaves or free—and all were made to drink of one Spirit.

¹⁴ For the body does not consist of one member but of many. ¹⁵ If the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” that would not make it any less a part of the body. ¹⁶ And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” that would not make it any less a part of the body. ¹⁷ If the whole body were an eye, where would be the sense of hearing? If the whole body were an ear, where would be the sense of smell? ¹⁸ But as it is, God arranged the members in the body, each one of them, as he chose. ¹⁹ If all were a single member, where would the body be? ²⁰ As it is, there are many parts, yet one body.

²¹ The eye cannot say to the hand, “I have no need of you,” nor again the head to the feet, “I have no need of you.” ²² On the contrary, the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, ²³ and on those parts of the body that we think less honorable we bestow the greater honor, and our unpresentable parts are treated with greater modesty, ²⁴ which our more presentable parts do not require. But God has so composed the body, giving greater honor to the part that lacked it, ²⁵ that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. ²⁶ If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together.

²⁷ Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it. – 1 Corinthians 12:12-27

Give space — Don’t be the moral busybody Lewis mentions above. Even if — especially if — you disagree with someone, let him be free to have his opinion without fear of reprisals. The gravest provocation is the one that hounds a man for his private thoughts. Speech codes and political correctness, along with employment practices that result in firings for saying or believing the “wrong” thing, .

We don’t get to choose the time or place…

Theoden: I will not risk open war.
Aragorn: Open war is upon you whether you would risk it or not.”

“And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” – Jesus  in Mark 11:25 (NIV)

I had the privilege recently of interviewing my friend, Gentry Eddings, Worship Pastor of Forest Hill Church’s Ballantyne Campus, and soon Campus Pastor for that thriving body. Gentry and his wife Hadley were in the news eight months ago — because of a tragic accident that took the lives of their sons, Dobbs (age 2) and Reed (38 weeks gestational age), but also because of the remarkable choice they made to forgive the driver of the truck that caused the crash.

On Saturday, May 23 last year, Gentry and his family were returning from his sister’s wedding when a commercial box truck failed to stop and crashed into the cars driven by Gentry, his wife Hadley, and Gentry’s parents, respectively. Gentry and Hadley’s two-year-old son, Dobbs, died en route to the hospital. Their unborn son Reed, 38 weeks gestational age, was delivered via emergency c-section, but doctors were unable to save him. Reed died on Monday, May 25.

Gentry answered my questions concerning suffering, grief, anger, and forgiveness, as he and Hadley have walked through these while living authentically and wrestling with these matters with faith and hope.

Hadley, Gentry, and Dobbs Eddings – Memorial Day weekend, 2015 (Photo courtesy of the Eddings family – used with permission)

Life before the accident

I asked Gentry what their life was like before the accident. He said that they had been enjoying a period of rest and contentment. But before that season,  just a week after Dobbs’ birth, Hadley had a medical episode that nearly took her life. Gentry explained that this shook him, and that it was a spiritually challenging time for him, as he began to question whether God was good as he had believed. It was, he said, “an intense experience of darkness and feeling distant — like God wasn’t there.

“My faith was challenged with doubts and fears. But through that, God revealed his love and faithfulness to me.”

Having come through the challenging time, caused Gentry and Hadley to give thanks every day for the gift of life. The last year of Dobbs’ life was a time of spiritual growth and of cherished memories for the three of them, as they anticipated the birth of Reed. “I knew for certain that God was with me, and each day I was so thankful, enjoying my family.”

Some of the most profound lessons of that time were, he said, “learning not to over-think things and to let God be God.” He added, “God humbled me… and brought me to a place of deeper faith, deeper trust in Him. And I was so enjoying life with my family.” He described it as a “very healthy season,” and said, “I believe God used it to prepare me for the season that we were about to go into with the loss.”

On suffering

I asked how Gentry had viewed the role of suffering in the Christian life before the accident, and how it had changed.  “I had an idea that suffering was a part of Christianity,” he said, “but I think it’s always mixed with American culture, where it’s  health and wealth and prosperity, and you want comfort.”  He continued, “I know as a Christian that suffering is part of it. I read the Bible — I know that it says that (suffering) will be a part of it — but it doesn’t feel close at hand because of all the comforts around us.”

But, he adds, there are multiple experiences God has brought him through that have illustrated that suffering is part of our world — largely because of the Fall. He explained that suffering is something “we, too, as Christians will go through as well as all people.

“It’s something God can use in our lives to shape us. I believe there’s a mystery to suffering. Like with Job — why God defends and delivers here, but allows suffering to exist and continue over here on the other hand is something that we can’t always explain.

“I also know that there is an enemy. It’s more like I know there’s pieces of the puzzle why we are where we are. Largely due to the Fall. You have to hold onto the heart of who God is in the midst of suffering.

“His heart is still for good. Because of the cross, he doesn’t look at us as people he wants to put under deep suffering in a revenge, wrathful kind of way. It’s more that He considers us children whom He loves. He has reasons often hidden from us why He allows us to go through suffering. It does bring us closer to Christ. It does help us to grow in our faith and our understanding of Christ. So that’s one way He can use it.

“But,” he said, “there’s deep mysteries when you get into suffering.”

The motivation and process of forgiveness

At the memorial service for his sons, Gentry spoke to the congregation and as part of his remarks said that he and Hadley had decided to forgive Matthew Deans, the driver of the truck who caused the fatal accident. I asked him to describe the process that led to such a breathtaking conclusion.

“The first 24 hours or so in the hospital — that first day or two — we were processing a lot,” he said. “You go through the initial shock of grief when we found out about Dobbs. We were still caring for Reed, and Hadley was recovering. I practically didn’t sleep for those first two days, and just was with all my thoughts. And one of the thoughts was about Matthew Deans and what had happened.  At that point we didn’t know the full scope of what had impacted him, and some of the poor decisions he had made leading up to this.” He explained that the initial story was one of a distracted driver, but as facts emerged there were additional factors involved that were less innocent. However, Gentry added, that none of these factors changed the position of their hearts where Deans was concerned.

“I remember thinking about this in the hospital room with Hadley. This terrible thing has happened, and I am so upset that it has happened. And it was, honestly, a fairly quick process of going: OK, this man has made a mistake and it has cost us dearly. I get that. I don’t fully grasp the entire weight of that in this moment, but I get that this is what had happened. And I just… the thought of forgiveness — can I forgive this man?

“And I thought: In the story of my life, if I look back and think of the great forgiveness that I’ve received, of course I can forgive this man. Because apart from God’s forgiveness in my life I would be completely lost. It’s very much like the story of the man who was forgiven much but failed to forgive. That’s not what I wanted to be. I realized that I had been forgiven much and needed to carry that forward in the way I treated others.”

What do I do with my anger?

I asked Gentry if anger had a place in recovering from such a loss. He said anger came later for him. “There’s deep levels of my grief that I’m still tapping into. I think initially the Lord preserves your mind and your sanity by not having you walk through all the layers of grief in a moment, but over time — in months — you process what you feel. As a Christian, we know there’s hope in the Resurrection, and I comforted myself in that for a long time — and I continued to comfort myself in that — but in some ways I have used that to cover these deep emotions that are going on. God wants me to go, ‘This is true, but we still need to process all these other emotions.'”

Recently, he said, he was praying and grief came to the surface — for Hadley and her suffering, and as he continued to pray, thinking about Dobbs’ two-year-old innocence and child-like view of the world. He said he became angry “that anything that would come against that pure, beautiful, created-in-the-image-of-God child to destroy. I expressed that deep anger to God, not necessarily toward God — and vented that.

“Hadley and I have taken the position that Satan is the enemy,” he said, “because he’s the one who seeks to destroy us. he is the liar who is the enemy of our souls. God is for us; the enemy is against us. You know, I let God know I don’t understand this. I know because of who God is His heart is good, and so I trust Him and I feel like He can understand that anger.

“And I also think there is a wrath and anger that God has toward evil and injustice,” he said. “And I felt that my heart was shaped closer to (that) because of allowing that anger to come out. That isn’t a bad thing. It’s a very godly thing that there’s an anger and a fierce, passionate hatred of evil and things that are wrong.”

The courage to seek counseling

We talked about the role of counseling for anyone suffering loss. Gentry said, “I would say counseling, if you treat it the way it’s meant to be, is one of the most courageous things you can do. It takes great courage to stand before another person and open your soul to them. You want to do that in a safe place. For me, I want someone who’s going to give me wisdom and counsel from a biblical perspective and a grace perspective.

“I definitely recommend it because it helps you become more aware of what’s going on in your heart and mind. It takes courage but it brings healing and it is a help. It’s a wise thing to do, so I definitely recommend it.’

He added, “I also think the context of the church is the best place to feel the freedom to do that. The world we live in is so critical and judgmental, I can understand why people would feel scared to share their heart. Because in other settings — if you were famous — it would end up on the front of a magazine. In a church that’s a healthy one it should be a place where you can share in confidence and receive love, grace, prayer, truth to help you through that without the judgment.

Gentry’s wish for the man who caused the accident

Returning to the question of forgiveness, I noted that Gentry’s remarks at the memorial service included a challenge to those attending to forgive those who had wronged them. I asked if there had been any thought to make their forgiveness contingent on the driver’s apology.

He said, not at all. ” I just thought that I, in my heart, can forgive him. And I did think at some point, we’re probably going to see this man, so there was a lot of preparation and a desire to express that to him face-to-face. And again, the story line at that point was an accident. When we found out more information that was a new opportunity to process, when there had been poor decisions that could have been avoided, that would have potentially not led us to where we are today. There were definitely things that could have been avoided.

“And, yeah, there’s a process to it. Whenever my heart goes ‘OK, where is my heart with this?’ it’s the same: I have been forgiven much, so I continue to forgive this man. And I think God has been gracious to help my heart stay in a place of peace with that.” He says God’s grace prompts him to pray not only to forgive Matthew Deans, but to pray for his redemption.

“I believe that’s God’s heart for us. He went ahead and offered us forgiveness, and not just forgiveness, but also the riches of being his sons and daughters in Heaven, and hoping for the best for us. I mean, it’s mind-blowing.”

Gentry and Hadley had the opportunity to speak to Matthew Deans in court and to tell him in person that they forgave him. His remarks to them expressed remorse, wishing he could trade places with Dobbs and Reed. Then, “As clearly and as plainly as we could, we tried to explain that we truly forgive him, and that we truly want God’s redemption of his life. What I felt like I needed to say was there was a mistake. There was a loss. There is a pain. But there is true forgiveness for that.

“We do hope that God continues to work in his heart and his mind with the grace that’s been shown to us to shape him into a better person. We don’t know where Matthew is in his faith, so we pray that he has faith that he comes to know Christ, if he doesn’t know Him already. And in the perspective of eternity, I do pray that Matthew Deans comes to be with us in Heaven someday, and we can look him in the face and say, ‘As God was gracious and forgave me, He forgave you and was able to do a wondrous thing to bring us all to this new place.'”

Life from here

Gentry says God has brought them healing over the months. “For Hadley, we continue to seek the Lord’s will for the rest of our lives in every aspect. We seek to have a healthy marriage and to invest in that, and have that as a top priority. We don’t have a perfect marriage. It’s not like we never fight, we do fight — all people who are married fight. If they tell you they don’t, they’re lying.

“We’re investing in things that give life. Hadley’s taken up watercolor painting, and I celebrate that. God has given us so many gifts. There is still good in life — things to be enjoyed. Continuing to advance the Kingdom through making disciples, and knowing that’s the mission that God has for us while we’re here.

As he moves into his new role as a Campus Pastor, he’s thinking about investing deeply in the lives of his congregants. “God wants every man, woman, and child to trust Him as Lord and Savior, and to follow Him — becoming bolder and more focused in that mission.

“I am saying I believe this is the one true way. And I am saying I want all people to go this way, versus saying every option is OK, and I’m just going to sit back.”

And his advice for us

I asked Gentry what he would advise those of us who have been wronged.  He answered, “Let God be your avenger. Don’t take that into your own hands. Trust God with the enemies in your life. Don’t stuff it or hide it, but be honest with him about it, and place it in His hands. I think that shows faith and trust and pleases God. And it saves you from doing something that is wrong or evil in itself. He’s better at justice than we are — and if He chooses to be gracious you have no room to talk, because we all need that.

“Be aware of the lie of our culture about what it means to be a man, as it pertains to strength and dominance and expressing violence and aggression. A man can display courage and boldness through self-control when lashing out would be easier.” There’s a time and place for protecting (others) even physically, but when you’re personally wronged, I think there’s a place for self-control.”

As we concluded our interview, I asked Gentry how he thought the past months had prepared them for the next season of their life and ministry. “It has certainly impressed on us the brevity of life, and in that wanting to make the most of each day. Heaven is what we long for. There is so much on earth that is not Heaven, and so we long to see the Kingdom of God — Heaven on Earth — realized as much as we can here, until that day we get to go to Heaven to be with our boys again. It has given us an eternal perspective  that will shape everything we’re doing.”

UPDATE: On Sunday, January 22, 2017, Gentry and Hadley announced that Hadley is pregnant with twins due in July. As Gentry has said, “It’s not over ’til it’s good, because God is good.”

So how about you? Is there someone you need to release through forgiveness? How can we help you? Add your comment below.

“Well begun is half done.” – Aristotle

Throughout my life, I’ve found that I begin new tasks with great gusto. This is a good thing, and I have learned to take advantage of my enthusiasm to create momentum that will help carry me through the eventual letdown. The particulars vary from project to project, but it’s usually the result of higher-than-expected costs, missing parts, or delays. When the slog hits, it’s critically important to have built in some incentives to help keep your motivation and to keep you on track.

Wisdom from the ancient world

I’ve always liked the quotation above from Aristotle. For most of my existence, I’ve taken it to mean that a strong start is a great advantage. This is just one of the axioms I refer to to help me overcome procrastination — to begin now — especially on those difficult or unpleasant chores. But there’s another way to interpret it: a strong beginning is only half the battle. You and I are bound to run into what is known as the “muddle in the middle.”

This is true of books, blog posts, product launches — and it’s also true of life.

Solomon sacrifices his lineage on the altar of an idol — Don’t be that guy

Enter King Solomon

Let’s look at King Solomon to illustrate what I mean. Frequent readers will know that I refer often to the biblical book of Proverbs — written primarily by Solomon, the son of King David, who succeeded his father on the throne of ancient Israel. As king, Solomon was unparalleled. He was wise and wealthy because God had blessed him from the beginning of his reign.

In addition to these gifts, God chose Solomon to build the temple in Jerusalem — the center of worship for God’s chosen people. And his body of work also included three books of the Bible — part of the Bible’s wisdom literature — Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, and the Song of Solomon. Clearly Solomon had an enviable collection of skills and used them to accomplish many good and enduring things.

It didn’t end well

However, as he grew comfortable in his achievements, apparently, Solomon became complacent. In the following passage from 1 Kings, Chapter 11, we see that Solomon squandered something essential:

King Solomon, however, loved many foreign women besides Pharaoh’s daughter—Moabites, Ammonites, Edomites, Sidonians and Hittites. They were from nations about which the Lord had told the Israelites, “You must not intermarry with them, because they will surely turn your hearts after their gods.” Nevertheless, Solomon held fast to them in love.  He had seven hundred wives of royal birth and three hundred concubines, and his wives led him astray. As Solomon grew old, his wives turned his heart after other gods, and his heart was not fully devoted to the Lord his God, as the heart of David his father had been. He followed Ashtoreth the goddess of the Sidonians, and Molek the detestable god of the Ammonites. So Solomon did evil in the eyes of the Lord; he did not follow the Lord completely, as David his father had done.

On a hill east of Jerusalem, Solomon built a high place for Chemosh the detestable god of Moab, and for Molek the detestable god of the Ammonites. He did the same for all his foreign wives, who burned incense and offered sacrifices to their gods.

The Lord became angry with Solomon because his heart had turned away from the Lord, the God of Israel, who had appeared to him twice. Although he had forbidden Solomon to follow other gods, Solomon did not keep the Lord’s command. So the Lord said to Solomon, “Since this is your attitude and you have not kept my covenant and my decrees, which I commanded you, I will most certainly tear the kingdom away from you and give it to one of your subordinates. Nevertheless, for the sake of David your father, I will not do it during your lifetime. I will tear it out of the hand of your son. Yet I will not tear the whole kingdom from him, but will give him one tribe for the sake of David my servant and for the sake of Jerusalem, which I have chosen.”

What went wrong?

Notice the telltale signs. Like his father before him, Solomon got his head turned because of his sexual appetite. Despite God’s direct instruction to the contrary, he amassed a harem of 1,000 women — most from the idol-worshiping folk Solomon’s ancestors had conquered to inhabit the land of promise.

As I wrote in an earlier two-part post titled, “When You Marry a Mountain Girl, You Marry the Mountain,” you’re going to adopt the ways of the people you spend time with — this is especially true of one’s spouse. This is another reason it’s better to marry someone with similar beliefs and values. Failure to do this results in what the Bible calls “being unequally yoked.” In agricultural terms unequally yoked animals couldn’t  plow straight, as the stronger animal would always pull the weaker in its direction. In Solomon’s case, his wandering eye resulted in a wandering heart that worshiped inert idols in place of the living God. This ultimately led to the destruction of the temple Solomon built, but also to the captivity of God’s people.

How to avoid foolishness and failure

The objective here is to be a faithful steward of the gift that is your life. This means you don’t want to peak in high school, and it also means you don’t want to put it in neutral once you hit 50, 60, 70, whatever. To finish your life strong and satisfied, here’s what I recommend:

Begin with the end in mind – The late Stephen Covey coined this phrase in his book, The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People.  Having a mission — a purpose with a desired outcome — in front of you is paramount. It’s a challenge to remain as motivated at the end of your shift as you are when you clock in, but having a mission makes it easier. Notice that Solomon’s resolve weakened as he got older.

Count the cost – The funniest and yet saddest episodes of the TV show “American Idol” are the ones featuring the deluded contestants who swear they can sing — the judges just aren’t being fair. If you want to be a professional musician, you have to put in the time in solitary practice. The 10,000-hour rule is no joke — and you can only spend those hours on one thing, not multiple things. This is the definition of opportunity cost. What are you willing to do without to achieve at your peak? It’s your life, so do be honest with yourself.

Stay connected to your power source – To be the best possible version of yourself you need to be working at the intersection of your Passion, Purpose, and Potential. This is a quest, and it is easier for some than for others, but the effort is worth it. God made you and He knows His plans for you. Get out your spiritual shovel and dig with your eyes open. Don’t get discouraged if you have to do some living before it snaps into focus. It’s all training if you’re legitimately seeking. And when you find it, you’ll have to pray, study and reflect — alone and with others —  to stay on track.

Stay fresh – I know I’ve said it before: You’re either green and growing or you’re ripe and rotting. Are you an expert? A virtuoso? Not yet? You still have those challenges in front of you. If you are an expert or a virtuoso, consider the challenge of teaching what you’ve learned to other people. There’s always more to learn, more to do — and if you’re not dead, you’re not done.

Get some rest – Take care of your body by exercising, eating right, drinking plenty of water, and getting enough sleep.

Get your mind right – The body goes where the head goes. Competitive divers learn this to enter the water with that minimal splash the judges reward. It’s the same in life. And we’ve talked about it before: thoughts lead to feelings; feelings lead to behaviors. If you’re not impaired, you can choose what to think about — good or bad.

But sometimes you’re vulnerable. Then what? As Dr. Charles Stanley advises, use the H.A.L.T. method to avoid giving in to the temptation to foolishness — whatever form that takes for you. Don’t do anything when you’re Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. Whether you’re tempted by an unlocked door, an unwholesome relationship, a bottle, a smoke, or a plate of fries, it’s much easier to resist when you recognize when and where your defenses are at their lowest, and you can see the larger goal beyond the moment.

Is it hopeless if I’ve wrecked it?

Not at all. If you live to tell the tale, you can still finish well. If you need a refresher on Grace and forgiveness or if the whole idea is new to you, you can read about it here. Your Father in Heaven made you, and He — with all His faithful ones — is cheering you on. You can be clean. You can be His. You can be faithful in fulfilling your mission and finish strong.

So how about you? What steps are you taking now to finish well. Encourage your brothers by declaring it below.

“But seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the Lord on its behalf, for in its welfare you will find your welfare.” – Jeremiah 29:7 (ESV)

Like many of you, I watched the protests and riots that affected Charlotte, NC, following an officer-involved shooting of an African-American civilian. The local paper has published thousands of words; the local television and radio stations have devoted hours to every aspect of the story, so I don’t need to recount the events here.

I do want to offer some thoughts on the local reaction to the death of Keith Lamont Scott, and where I hope the lessons will lead us. If your only exposure to the story was to angry people blocking interstate highways, looting trucks, and setting fires, that’s an incomplete story. The news media can’t help it: their motto is, If it bleeds, it leads. And one can always count on jaded people to slow down for a glimpse of someone else’s blood. Not our finest moment.

The most disheartening aspect of the event and its after-effects is the atmosphere of mistrust that has clouded the Charlotte metro area. Black and white people are wary and guarded — even friends and colleagues are feeling the strain. Civilians and law enforcement officers are regarding each other with doubt and suspicion.

The Queen City stands! photo by Brandon Butler

Even in the midst of this discontent, however, I have seen some hopeful signs. I’ve seen people — friends and strangers alike — going out of their way to show kindness and to express appreciation and empathy toward the various populations of hurting people. Even in the midst of the worst nights of demonstrations turned violent, groups and individuals have made a point to thank police officers and National Guardsmen for their work. Churches in the area have hosted round table discussions to bring people of different races and ethnicities together to listen and gain perspective. As good as these latter activities are, I think there may be something missing.

The NEW city!

A few days after the death of Keith Scott, I was reading in the book of Revelation, In chapter 21, the apostle John tells of his vision of the Heavenly City:

^[1] Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,” for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. ^[2] I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. ^[3] And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ^[4] ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” ^[5] He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” – Revelation 21:1 – 5 (NIV)

The relevance of Revelation

The passage hit home with me, as the contrast between Charlotte and the new Jerusalem was almost unbearable. Look, I’ve lived in or near Charlotte for most of the past 36 years, and I love it. I’ve seen it at its best and worst — so far. Even at its best, Charlotte is not the Heavenly city of God. The recent events and all the reactions remind me: We are not home yet.  

The call to racial reconciliation

I take seriously the teachings of scripture that say that through Christ Jesus, God has made one blood of all humanity. We can’t help but notice our varied appearance, but the significance of these differences should not be a preoccupation. We cannot help but notice differences in speech, manner of dress, or what we find funny, versus what we don’t, but we should not weight these things more heavily than what the Bible refers to as the Ministry of Reconciliation. If God has reconciled us to Himself through the merits and death of Jesus — covering and pardoning our rebellion against Him — we do not dare withhold it from others.

Reconciliation is expensive

Yes it is. Look at what it cost God. And what separated us from God is the same me-first attitude. Insisting on justice (for others) and on mercy (for me), makes one a hypocrite. I think the answer ultimately is to be able to view ourselves as God does, using his perfection as a reference point. When we stand alongside the perfection and holy otherness of God, we understand our complete unworthiness, and we can then appreciate how much God has forgiven us. From there, He can rightly demand that we forgive others.

The true remedy to what troubles all of us.

Look again at the passage from Revelation, and see the description John gives of the new Jerusalem. It is perfect. It is the dwelling place of God, but it is also home for all those who put their trust in Jesus.

God will comfort the broken and the bruised. He will make right all the wrongs we suffered. And he will wipe away every tear. And God promises to make all things new (not, as the commentator pointed out, “making all new things.”) Hope is coming, renewal is coming, and justice is coming  — all in perfect love. But what else can we conclude about this eternal city and how we get there?

Grace is preeminent. We cannot begin with good works and then find righteousness, rather we must begin with grace and then act righteously in response to the great gift of God. We are made new to enable us to do fit work for God’s Kingdom.

It seems to me that in the arena of race relations, we are falling into a similar error. We demand acts (or pass laws) that they might compel love. We would be far better first to love our neighbor and then act. To love is to decide to love – to choose to seek the well-being of the beloved. It is asking a lot of wounded people, but we are all wounded.

A year ago, I wrote about the horrific shooting at Emanuel AME church in Charleston, SC, and the remarkable response by the family of God. The godly members of Emanuel AME church spoke words of forgiveness to Dylann Roof – in their pain and loss, they chose to follow Jesus in loving their enemy. Here, in the face of a crime motivated by racism, divine grace motivated an extravagant (read: expensive) act of forgiveness.

My prayer is that more of us will actively choose to love our neighbor, and that we will not define the word neighbor more narrowly than our Lord did. Let us be ministers of reconciliation — not demanding absolution, but loving and serving our neighbors so that they will see that our citizenship is in the new Jerusalem and want to join us there.

So how about you? How are you choosing to show love to your neighbor? Add your comments below.

“Well begun is half done.” – Aristotle

Throughout my life, I’ve found that I begin new tasks with great gusto. This is a good thing, and I have learned to take advantage of my enthusiasm to create momentum that will help carry me through the eventual letdown. The particulars vary from project to project, but it’s usually the result of higher-than-expected costs, missing parts, or delays. When the slog hits, it’s critically important to have built in some incentives to help keep your motivation and to keep you on track.

Wisdom from the ancient world

I’ve always liked the quotation above from Aristotle. For most of my existence, I’ve taken it to mean that a strong start is a great advantage. This is just one of the axioms I refer to to help me overcome procrastination — to begin now — especially on those difficult or unpleasant chores. But there’s another way to interpret it: a strong beginning is only half the battle. You and I are bound to run into what is known as the “muddle in the middle.”

This is true of books, blog posts, product launches — and it’s also true of life.

Solomon sacrifices his lineage on the altar of an idol — Don’t be that guy

Enter King Solomon

Let’s look at King Solomon to illustrate what I mean. Frequent readers will know that I refer often to the biblical book of Proverbs — written primarily by Solomon, the son of King David, who succeeded his father on the throne of ancient Israel. As king, Solomon was unparalleled. He was wise and wealthy because God had blessed him from the beginning of his reign.

In addition to these gifts, God chose Solomon to build the temple in Jerusalem — the center of worship for God’s chosen people. And his body of work also included three books of the Bible — part of the Bible’s wisdom literature — Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, and the Song of Solomon. Clearly Solomon had an enviable collection of skills and used them to accomplish many good and enduring things.

It didn’t end well

However, as he grew comfortable in his achievements, apparently, Solomon became complacent. In the following passage from 1 Kings, Chapter 11, we see that Solomon squandered something essential:

King Solomon, however, loved many foreign women besides Pharaoh’s daughter—Moabites, Ammonites, Edomites, Sidonians and Hittites. They were from nations about which the Lord had told the Israelites, “You must not intermarry with them, because they will surely turn your hearts after their gods.” Nevertheless, Solomon held fast to them in love.  He had seven hundred wives of royal birth and three hundred concubines, and his wives led him astray. As Solomon grew old, his wives turned his heart after other gods, and his heart was not fully devoted to the Lord his God, as the heart of David his father had been. He followed Ashtoreth the goddess of the Sidonians, and Molek the detestable god of the Ammonites. So Solomon did evil in the eyes of the Lord; he did not follow the Lord completely, as David his father had done.

On a hill east of Jerusalem, Solomon built a high place for Chemosh the detestable god of Moab, and for Molek the detestable god of the Ammonites. He did the same for all his foreign wives, who burned incense and offered sacrifices to their gods.

The Lord became angry with Solomon because his heart had turned away from the Lord, the God of Israel, who had appeared to him twice. Although he had forbidden Solomon to follow other gods, Solomon did not keep the Lord’s command. So the Lord said to Solomon, “Since this is your attitude and you have not kept my covenant and my decrees, which I commanded you, I will most certainly tear the kingdom away from you and give it to one of your subordinates. Nevertheless, for the sake of David your father, I will not do it during your lifetime. I will tear it out of the hand of your son. Yet I will not tear the whole kingdom from him, but will give him one tribe for the sake of David my servant and for the sake of Jerusalem, which I have chosen.”

What went wrong?

Notice the telltale signs. Like his father before him, Solomon got his head turned because of his sexual appetite. Despite God’s direct instruction to the contrary, he amassed a harem of 1,000 women — most from the idol-worshiping folk Solomon’s ancestors had conquered to inhabit the land of promise.

As I wrote in an earlier two-part post titled, “When You Marry a Mountain Girl, You Marry the Mountain,” you’re going to adopt the ways of the people you spend time with — this is especially true of one’s spouse. This is another reason it’s better to marry someone with similar beliefs and values. Failure to do this results in what the Bible calls “being unequally yoked.” In agricultural terms unequally yoked animals couldn’t  plow straight, as the stronger animal would always pull the weaker in its direction. In Solomon’s case, his wandering eye resulted in a wandering heart that worshiped inert idols in place of the living God. This ultimately led to the destruction of the temple Solomon built, but also to the captivity of God’s people.

How to avoid foolishness and failure

The objective here is to be a faithful steward of the gift that is your life. This means you don’t want to peak in high school, and it also means you don’t want to put it in neutral once you hit 50, 60, 70, whatever. To finish your life strong and satisfied, here’s what I recommend:

Begin with the end in mind – The late Stephen Covey coined this phrase in his book, The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People.  Having a mission — a purpose with a desired outcome — in front of you is paramount. It’s a challenge to remain as motivated at the end of your shift as you are when you clock in, but having a mission makes it easier. Notice that Solomon’s resolve weakened as he got older.

Count the cost – The funniest and yet saddest episodes of the TV show “American Idol” are the ones featuring the deluded contestants who swear they can sing — the judges just aren’t being fair. If you want to be a professional musician, you have to put in the time in solitary practice. The 10,000-hour rule is no joke — and you can only spend those hours on one thing, not multiple things. This is the definition of opportunity cost. What are you willing to do without to achieve at your peak? It’s your life, so do be honest with yourself.

Stay connected to your power source – To be the best possible version of yourself you need to be working at the intersection of your Passion, Purpose, and Potential. This is a quest, and it is easier for some than for others, but the effort is worth it. God made you and He knows His plans for you. Get out your spiritual shovel and dig with your eyes open. Don’t get discouraged if you have to do some living before it snaps into focus. It’s all training if you’re legitimately seeking. And when you find it, you’ll have to pray, study and reflect — alone and with others —  to stay on track.

Stay fresh – I know I’ve said it before: You’re either green and growing or you’re ripe and rotting. Are you an expert? A virtuoso? Not yet? You still have those challenges in front of you. If you are an expert or a virtuoso, consider the challenge of teaching what you’ve learned to other people. There’s always more to learn, more to do — and if you’re not dead, you’re not done.

Get some rest – Take care of your body by exercising, eating right, drinking plenty of water, and getting enough sleep.

Get your mind right – The body goes where the head goes. Competitive divers learn this to enter the water with that minimal splash the judges reward. It’s the same in life. And we’ve talked about it before: thoughts lead to feelings; feelings lead to behaviors. If you’re not impaired, you can choose what to think about — good or bad.

But sometimes you’re vulnerable. Then what? As Dr. Charles Stanley advises, use the H.A.L.T. method to avoid giving in to the temptation to foolishness — whatever form that takes for you. Don’t do anything when you’re Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. Whether you’re tempted by an unlocked door, an unwholesome relationship, a bottle, a smoke, or a plate of fries, it’s much easier to resist when you recognize when and where your defenses are at their lowest, and you can see the larger goal beyond the moment.

Is it hopeless if I’ve wrecked it?

Not at all. If you live to tell the tale, you can still finish well. If you need a refresher on Grace and forgiveness or if the whole idea is new to you, you can read about it here. Your Father in Heaven made you, and He — with all His faithful ones — is cheering you on. You can be clean. You can be His. You can be faithful in fulfilling your mission and finish strong.

So how about you? What steps are you taking now to finish well. Encourage your brothers by declaring it below.

“In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:
Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death— even death on a cross!” – Philippians 2:5-8 (NIV)

“For if anyone thinks he is something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself.” – Galatians 6:3

Those of you who don’t believe in God, or who don’t share my faith may find this post a little hard to relate to, but I hope you’ll read it anyway. If I’m honest with myself and with you, I’m tired. The burden of striving is unbearable, and the strain of clawing and grasping has brought me to the unhappy realization that I’ve been living like a practical agnostic.

Oxidation, like rust, is just a slower form of burning

At least I said practical

If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you know I advocate living close to one’s own heart — that is, being attuned to what’s going on in your spirit as much as to what’s going on around you. Circumstances can refine us, but they don’t define us, for only God is capable of telling us our true name. I believe this — down to the bone — but in spite of myself I have found myself paying more attention to headlines, aches and pains, and my bank balance instead of paying attention to what God is saying in the midst of these things.

God doesn’t care

Before you swallow your gum, let me assure you that God cares a great deal. He loves you and me beyond our capacity to comprehend it. But God does not care whether I’m rich, famous, or popular. He does not care whether I am powerful or particularly comfortable. In His great love, He is interested in my belonging to Him, and in response to that love, my faithfulness through every circumstance.

This is what it means to imitate Christ: He was God, but lowered himself to serve. My mission is to adopt his mindset and place myself second, allowing Him to reign on the throne of my life. I’m sorry to say my thoughts, words, and actions lately have more closely resembled a palace coup than that faithfulness Jesus demonstrated to the Father’s will.

Soil and seeds

If you’ve tried gardening, you know that the crop you get (or don’t) depends on the quality of soil in which you plant your seeds. Jesus explained this to his followers in a parable about a farmer who scattered seeds that fell variously on a hard-packed path, on shallow and rocky soil, into thorny weeds, and on good soil. Predictably, only the seed that fell on good soil grew to fruitful maturity and delivered the return on its potential. In case you didn’t click through, Jesus explained that the seed in the story was God’s word, and the four soil types described human hearts in four different conditions.

I’ve always found it interesting that Jesus didn’t command that we amend our own soil. For most of us, I’d argue that’s too tall of a task. But God will soften our hearts, deepen our capacity for Him, and remove the thorny distractions if we put ourselves in His care. I’m telling you this in case you need to do as I am doing.

Holy week and a realization

So here in this week leading up to Easter, I have come to the realization that I have let my preoccupation with busyness, money, and ambition choke the connection between my inner and outer life. Instead of thanking God for the dozens — hundreds — of blessings I get to enjoy, I have fretted, fumed and let my mind entertain some rather dark thoughts.

No, I’m not in danger of going pagan, I have no hope anywhere else but in Jesus Christ. But I noticed that I was feeling restless, agitated, and boy, could I get angry in a hurry.

I also noticed that I was shorting my prayers and the time I normally devote to studying scripture. Correlation is not causation, but there is a noticeable change in my disposition when I am communicating constantly with God compared to when I am not. Selfishness and irritability are the principal symptoms of my spiritual colic. Not a good look for any man.

But wait! There’s more

I thought I had totally recovered from my addiction to politics — not so. I regret all the time and attention I devoted to thinking and stewing over the upcoming election. I do care, but I am choosing to trust my fellow citizens to do the right thing — and if they don’t, I trust God to take care of my family and me. There’s already a God of the universe — and it isn’t yours truly (much to my relief). If you want to talk politics with me, I’ll be kind and indulge you, but I’m more interested again in the unshakable and everlasting Kingdom of God.

Thanks be to God, I am confessing to Him and to you that I renounce the unwholesome attachments that disrupt the connection between my Heavenly Father and me, and I trust Him to pardon and deliver me from my many sins through the worthy sacrifice of Jesus, the Messiah, our Passover — and through His resurrection, which we are preparing to celebrate on Easter Sunday. The Lord is risen! Hallelujah!

So how about you? What is keeping you from reaching your potential? What do you need to retire to become fruitful? Add your comments below.

“And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” – Jesus  in Mark 11:25 (NIV)

I had the privilege recently of interviewing my friend, Gentry Eddings, Worship Pastor of Forest Hill Church’s Ballantyne Campus, and soon Campus Pastor for that thriving body. Gentry and his wife Hadley were in the news eight months ago — because of a tragic accident that took the lives of their sons, Dobbs (age 2) and Reed (38 weeks gestational age), but also because of the remarkable choice they made to forgive the driver of the truck that caused the crash.

On Saturday, May 23 last year, Gentry and his family were returning from his sister’s wedding when a commercial box truck failed to stop and crashed into the cars driven by Gentry, his wife Hadley, and Gentry’s parents, respectively. Gentry and Hadley’s two-year-old son, Dobbs, died en route to the hospital. Their unborn son Reed, 38 weeks gestational age, was delivered via emergency c-section, but doctors were unable to save him. Reed died on Monday, May 25.

Gentry answered my questions concerning suffering, grief, anger, and forgiveness, as he and Hadley have walked through these while living authentically and wrestling with these matters with faith and hope.

Hadley, Gentry, and Dobbs Eddings – Memorial Day weekend, 2015 (Photo courtesy of the Eddings family – used with permission)

Life before the accident

I asked Gentry what their life was like before the accident. He said that they had been enjoying a period of rest and contentment. But before that season,  just a week after Dobbs’ birth, Hadley had a medical episode that nearly took her life. Gentry explained that this shook him, and that it was a spiritually challenging time for him, as he began to question whether God was good as he had believed. It was, he said, “an intense experience of darkness and feeling distant — like God wasn’t there.

“My faith was challenged with doubts and fears. But through that, God revealed his love and faithfulness to me.”

Having come through the challenging time, caused Gentry and Hadley to give thanks every day for the gift of life. The last year of Dobbs’ life was a time of spiritual growth and of cherished memories for the three of them, as they anticipated the birth of Reed. “I knew for certain that God was with me, and each day I was so thankful, enjoying my family.”

Some of the most profound lessons of that time were, he said, “learning not to over-think things and to let God be God.” He added, “God humbled me… and brought me to a place of deeper faith, deeper trust in Him. And I was so enjoying life with my family.” He described it as a “very healthy season,” and said, “I believe God used it to prepare me for the season that we were about to go into with the loss.”

On suffering

I asked how Gentry had viewed the role of suffering in the Christian life before the accident, and how it had changed.  “I had an idea that suffering was a part of Christianity,” he said, “but I think it’s always mixed with American culture, where it’s  health and wealth and prosperity, and you want comfort.”  He continued, “I know as a Christian that suffering is part of it. I read the Bible — I know that it says that (suffering) will be a part of it — but it doesn’t feel close at hand because of all the comforts around us.”

But, he adds, there are multiple experiences God has brought him through that have illustrated that suffering is part of our world — largely because of the Fall. He explained that suffering is something “we, too, as Christians will go through as well as all people.

“It’s something God can use in our lives to shape us. I believe there’s a mystery to suffering. Like with Job — why God defends and delivers here, but allows suffering to exist and continue over here on the other hand is something that we can’t always explain.

“I also know that there is an enemy. It’s more like I know there’s pieces of the puzzle why we are where we are. Largely due to the Fall. You have to hold onto the heart of who God is in the midst of suffering.

“His heart is still for good. Because of the cross, he doesn’t look at us as people he wants to put under deep suffering in a revenge, wrathful kind of way. It’s more that He considers us children whom He loves. He has reasons often hidden from us why He allows us to go through suffering. It does bring us closer to Christ. It does help us to grow in our faith and our understanding of Christ. So that’s one way He can use it.

“But,” he said, “there’s deep mysteries when you get into suffering.”

The motivation and process of forgiveness

At the memorial service for his sons, Gentry spoke to the congregation and as part of his remarks said that he and Hadley had decided to forgive Matthew Deans, the driver of the truck who caused the fatal accident. I asked him to describe the process that led to such a breathtaking conclusion.

“The first 24 hours or so in the hospital — that first day or two — we were processing a lot,” he said. “You go through the initial shock of grief when we found out about Dobbs. We were still caring for Reed, and Hadley was recovering. I practically didn’t sleep for those first two days, and just was with all my thoughts. And one of the thoughts was about Matthew Deans and what had happened.  At that point we didn’t know the full scope of what had impacted him, and some of the poor decisions he had made leading up to this.” He explained that the initial story was one of a distracted driver, but as facts emerged there were additional factors involved that were less innocent. However, Gentry added, that none of these factors changed the position of their hearts where Deans was concerned.

“I remember thinking about this in the hospital room with Hadley. This terrible thing has happened, and I am so upset that it has happened. And it was, honestly, a fairly quick process of going: OK, this man has made a mistake and it has cost us dearly. I get that. I don’t fully grasp the entire weight of that in this moment, but I get that this is what had happened. And I just… the thought of forgiveness — can I forgive this man?

“And I thought: In the story of my life, if I look back and think of the great forgiveness that I’ve received, of course I can forgive this man. Because apart from God’s forgiveness in my life I would be completely lost. It’s very much like the story of the man who was forgiven much but failed to forgive. That’s not what I wanted to be. I realized that I had been forgiven much and needed to carry that forward in the way I treated others.”

What do I do with my anger?

I asked Gentry if anger had a place in recovering from such a loss. He said anger came later for him. “There’s deep levels of my grief that I’m still tapping into. I think initially the Lord preserves your mind and your sanity by not having you walk through all the layers of grief in a moment, but over time — in months — you process what you feel. As a Christian, we know there’s hope in the Resurrection, and I comforted myself in that for a long time — and I continued to comfort myself in that — but in some ways I have used that to cover these deep emotions that are going on. God wants me to go, ‘This is true, but we still need to process all these other emotions.'”

Recently, he said, he was praying and grief came to the surface — for Hadley and her suffering, and as he continued to pray, thinking about Dobbs’ two-year-old innocence and child-like view of the world. He said he became angry “that anything that would come against that pure, beautiful, created-in-the-image-of-God child to destroy. I expressed that deep anger to God, not necessarily toward God — and vented that.

“Hadley and I have taken the position that Satan is the enemy,” he said, “because he’s the one who seeks to destroy us. he is the liar who is the enemy of our souls. God is for us; the enemy is against us. You know, I let God know I don’t understand this. I know because of who God is His heart is good, and so I trust Him and I feel like He can understand that anger.

“And I also think there is a wrath and anger that God has toward evil and injustice,” he said. “And I felt that my heart was shaped closer to (that) because of allowing that anger to come out. That isn’t a bad thing. It’s a very godly thing that there’s an anger and a fierce, passionate hatred of evil and things that are wrong.”

The courage to seek counseling

We talked about the role of counseling for anyone suffering loss. Gentry said, “I would say counseling, if you treat it the way it’s meant to be, is one of the most courageous things you can do. It takes great courage to stand before another person and open your soul to them. You want to do that in a safe place. For me, I want someone who’s going to give me wisdom and counsel from a biblical perspective and a grace perspective.

“I definitely recommend it because it helps you become more aware of what’s going on in your heart and mind. It takes courage but it brings healing and it is a help. It’s a wise thing to do, so I definitely recommend it.’

He added, “I also think the context of the church is the best place to feel the freedom to do that. The world we live in is so critical and judgmental, I can understand why people would feel scared to share their heart. Because in other settings — if you were famous — it would end up on the front of a magazine. In a church that’s a healthy one it should be a place where you can share in confidence and receive love, grace, prayer, truth to help you through that without the judgment.

Gentry’s wish for the man who caused the accident

Returning to the question of forgiveness, I noted that Gentry’s remarks at the memorial service included a challenge to those attending to forgive those who had wronged them. I asked if there had been any thought to make their forgiveness contingent on the driver’s apology.

He said, not at all. ” I just thought that I, in my heart, can forgive him. And I did think at some point, we’re probably going to see this man, so there was a lot of preparation and a desire to express that to him face-to-face. And again, the story line at that point was an accident. When we found out more information that was a new opportunity to process, when there had been poor decisions that could have been avoided, that would have potentially not led us to where we are today. There were definitely things that could have been avoided.

“And, yeah, there’s a process to it. Whenever my heart goes ‘OK, where is my heart with this?’ it’s the same: I have been forgiven much, so I continue to forgive this man. And I think God has been gracious to help my heart stay in a place of peace with that.” He says God’s grace prompts him to pray not only to forgive Matthew Deans, but to pray for his redemption.

“I believe that’s God’s heart for us. He went ahead and offered us forgiveness, and not just forgiveness, but also the riches of being his sons and daughters in Heaven, and hoping for the best for us. I mean, it’s mind-blowing.”

Gentry and Hadley had the opportunity to speak to Matthew Deans in court and to tell him in person that they forgave him. His remarks to them expressed remorse, wishing he could trade places with Dobbs and Reed. Then, “As clearly and as plainly as we could, we tried to explain that we truly forgive him, and that we truly want God’s redemption of his life. What I felt like I needed to say was there was a mistake. There was a loss. There is a pain. But there is true forgiveness for that.

“We do hope that God continues to work in his heart and his mind with the grace that’s been shown to us to shape him into a better person. We don’t know where Matthew is in his faith, so we pray that he has faith that he comes to know Christ, if he doesn’t know Him already. And in the perspective of eternity, I do pray that Matthew Deans comes to be with us in Heaven someday, and we can look him in the face and say, ‘As God was gracious and forgave me, He forgave you and was able to do a wondrous thing to bring us all to this new place.'”

Life from here

Gentry says God has brought them healing over the months. “For Hadley, we continue to seek the Lord’s will for the rest of our lives in every aspect. We seek to have a healthy marriage and to invest in that, and have that as a top priority. We don’t have a perfect marriage. It’s not like we never fight, we do fight — all people who are married fight. If they tell you they don’t, they’re lying.

“We’re investing in things that give life. Hadley’s taken up watercolor painting, and I celebrate that. God has given us so many gifts. There is still good in life — things to be enjoyed. Continuing to advance the Kingdom through making disciples, and knowing that’s the mission that God has for us while we’re here.

As he moves into his new role as a Campus Pastor, he’s thinking about investing deeply in the lives of his congregants. “God wants every man, woman, and child to trust Him as Lord and Savior, and to follow Him — becoming bolder and more focused in that mission.

“I am saying I believe this is the one true way. And I am saying I want all people to go this way, versus saying every option is OK, and I’m just going to sit back.”

And his advice for us

I asked Gentry what he would advise those of us who have been wronged.  He answered, “Let God be your avenger. Don’t take that into your own hands. Trust God with the enemies in your life. Don’t stuff it or hide it, but be honest with him about it, and place it in His hands. I think that shows faith and trust and pleases God. And it saves you from doing something that is wrong or evil in itself. He’s better at justice than we are — and if He chooses to be gracious you have no room to talk, because we all need that.

“Be aware of the lie of our culture about what it means to be a man, as it pertains to strength and dominance and expressing violence and aggression. A man can display courage and boldness through self-control when lashing out would be easier.” There’s a time and place for protecting (others) even physically, but when you’re personally wronged, I think there’s a place for self-control.”

As we concluded our interview, I asked Gentry how he thought the past months had prepared them for the next season of their life and ministry. “It has certainly impressed on us the brevity of life, and in that wanting to make the most of each day. Heaven is what we long for. There is so much on earth that is not Heaven, and so we long to see the Kingdom of God — Heaven on Earth — realized as much as we can here, until that day we get to go to Heaven to be with our boys again. It has given us an eternal perspective  that will shape everything we’re doing.”

UPDATE: On Sunday, January 22, 2017, Gentry and Hadley announced that Hadley is pregnant with twins. As Gentry has said, “It’s not over ’til it’s good, because God is good.”

So how about you? Is there someone you need to release through forgiveness? How can we help you? Add your comment below.

” But take care that this right of yours does not somehow become a stumbling block to the weak.“
-1 Corinthians 8:9

I don’t normally comment on news and current events, as I prefer to write about topics that have some staying power. Even though the mass shooting in Charleston, SC, last week dominates the news cycle, I think its effects are likely to be with us for some time. This evil has exposed the worst and the best among us. I’d like to offer my thoughts in hopes we can begin and sustain a discussion.

Forgiveness has a beauty all its own

First, the facts

It is beyond question that 21-year-old Dylann Roof entered Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church in Charleston, SC, during their Wednesday night Bible study last week. After being welcomed into this meeting, and sitting with the participants for the better part of an hour, Roof shot and killed nine members of the congregation, including its pastor, Clementa Pinckney.

Then the reaction

The first news report I heard stated that a lone gunman had walked into a church service in Charleston and had started shooting, killing nine people. Realize that an attack on a church — or any house of worship — is unconscionable. But as further details became known, and the police arrested Dylann Roof, a horrible crime was made even worse due to the apparent racist motives of the murderer.

If you have never lived in the southern US, you need to understand that race relations here are different than they are portrayed on the national news. A lot of us were in school when the classrooms in our towns became integrated. Sure, there were problems, but over time black and white students came to appreciate each other as neighbors and teammates and value each other as friends. It took time, but we worked on it together.

To be sure, there were — and still are — people who spoke disparagingly of African Americans, even using the n-word, but some of these same people were quite kind and generous in their dealings with people they supposedly hated. More interesting and impressive was the way peer pressure forced that kind of bigotry to the margins. It didn’t make sense to hate people you studied with, ate with and played ball with.

My impression then as now is that most white southerners and most black southerners recognize that we are in this together. And this sense of community, flawed and fragile as it may be, is the reason Charleston is grieving together with such dignity and grace.

Predictable politics

While the residents of Charleston show amazing restraint, Washington pols waste no time trying to tie the evil acts of one homicidal bigot to their preferred targets. I’m talking about knuckleheads from both ends of the spectrum. Not surprisingly, some of the loudest voices out of our nation’s capital called for further erosion of private citizens’ rights to gun ownership. In addition to being poorly reasoned, these arguments are also singularly bad manners.

Let me try to explain this

The staunchest proponents of gun control don’t believe that guns in themselves are bad. I have not yet heard any advocate call for banning all guns everywhere at all times. They have no problem with guns in the hands of police officers and active-duty military personnel. What they don’t like is the thought of guns in the hands of private citizens. And under the banner of not ever letting a crisis go to waste, they appear on camera drawing attention to themselves — bad form.

True, people with evil intent can and do use guns to increase the effect of their malevolence, as we have seen most recently in Charleston. But district court rulings have made it plain that police officers are not obligated to protect every citizen from crime or criminals — and they can’t be everywhere. So you can see this leaves a gap. Gun control advocates would tell us to outsource self-defense and wait for the police — to our detriment. Gun rights advocates would advise citizens to get trained in the lawful and safe use of guns and to defend themselves. I know what I prefer.

The confederate battle flag

Even though the murders took place in Charleston, many people across the nation have been calling for South Carolina to remove the confederate battle flag from the grounds of the statehouse in Columbia. The flag has flown as part of a memorial to confederate veterans since the legislature voted to remove it from the flagpole atop the statehouse dome — a compromise — in 2000.

This issue comes up now because Dylann Roof posted multiple pictures of himself on social media posing with a confederate battle flag. This and his own written statements regarding white supremacy connected the two issues. It’s poor logic to conclude that because a flag flies on a civil war monument a bigot viewed this as his warrant to go on a killing spree, but we are where we are.

As of this writing the SC legislature has agreed to debate removal of the confederate battle flag from the statehouse grounds altogether, and many previously in favor of keeping the flag now support taking it down. It just may happen. Here are links to two articles — one for and one against removal —  so you can make up your own mind.

Amazing grace

While all this goes on, the grieving families of those members murdered at “Mother Emanuel” shocked the world when, one by one, they spoke to their loved ones’ killer and said, “I forgive you.” Not one family withheld these gracious words from the one who in his hatred robbed them of their kin.

This, my friends, is Christianity with meat on its bones. No mere altruism explains this. The families, having endured the bitter captivity of their ancestors’ enslavement, followed by the humiliation of segregation, did not have any obligation to appear nice. Only the recipients of God’s grace through Jesus Christ can surrender their legitimate right to outrage and pray for their enemy the way these good and noble saints did.

A few thoughts of my own

• I’m a little unusual because, even though I’m not that old, my great-grandfather was a confederate soldier. Although I have the right to join the Sons of Confederate Veterans, and bear no ill will against those who choose to, I do not want to use my liberty at the expense of my black friends. For this reason, I choose not to join nor to display the confederate battle flag.
• Regarding the flying of the confederate battle flag (NOT the “Stars and Bars,” y’all – that’s a completely different flag) on the statehouse grounds, I look forward to the debate. I would suggest that a more appropriate — and less fraught — flag to display at the confederate veterans’ memorial would be the Bonnie Blue, which was reportedly flying over the confederate batteries that attacked Fort Sumter at the start of the Civil War.
• The confederate battle flag has been tainted by its adoption by skinheads, neo-Nazis and white supremacists. I’m fond of saying abuse doesn’t invalidate use, but taken with the south’s history of slavery and segregation, this pretty much poisons the well for keeps.
  I visited my great-grandfather’s grave recently – not because he was a rebel, but because he was family. His military career shaped but did not define him.
• Also, if the NAACP were to adopt the confederate battle flag as its symbol, I think white supremacists would start shopping for another logo.
• Kudos to the peace-loving people of South Carolina — and especially of Charleston — who are following the example set by the families of Mother Emanuel. We should all show such grace.

So how about you? What is the most remarkable act of forgiveness you’ve seen? Add your comments below.