“The unexamined life is not worth living.” – Socrates

In my original post on this topic, I explained Robert Ardrey’s idea that our psychological and emotional needs center on Identity, Stimulation, and Security. In my previous post on Identity we discussed that identity emanates from essence, from existence. It is rooted primarily in the unchangeable attributes that accompany us into the world and throughout our lives. We also established that our deeds do not establish our identity so much as they reveal it. But even then, they do so imperfectly.

It isn’t “out there” — it’s in here.

But if I don’t discover my identity from what I do, why do anything?

As in exercise, your muscles won’t grow if you merely lie around thinking about working out. You have to get off the couch and hit the gym, the box, the bike, the dojo. You will never develop the strength and skill you desire without purposeful action.

Similarly, if you are an artist or an entrepreneur, you must commit to the mastery of your craft and you must paint, compose, perform, or launch — even while you are learning. Entrepreneurs commit to a cycle of “launch and iterate,” trying and refining, and always learning. You have heard me say before that “You’re either green and growing, or you’re ripe and rotting.” I stand by that. And I’m still learning and growing myself. If you’re reading this, I expect you’re interested in learning and growing, too.

Sometimes you have to get moving without a clear picture of who you are. But I submit to you that the ideal is to move out of a sense of your identity and calling, instead of doing as a way to discover who you are. The categories are not entirely black and white, but in my next post I’ll illustrate why action must emanate from identity.

Now let’s talk about some ways you can help strengthen your sense of identity.

What are your assets?

What traits do you possess that provide clues to your identity? What do you know of your ancestry — good and bad? What victories and wounds are in your past? What have you learned to this point? What are you learning, and from whom? Is it easy or hard for you to learn? In what domains? What is your ethnicity, and what does that reveal about you? What is your master passion — that is, what makes your heart come alive?

Understand that these are clues that will help you assess who you are and who you’re meant to be under Heaven.

Where do you fit?

Rick Warren’s book, The Purpose Driven Church discusses a method he and his church devised called “Discovering your SHAPE for Ministry.” It’s an acrostic that encourages each of us to discover his role in the body by considering five attributes: Spiritual gifts, Heart, Aptitude(s), Personality, and Experience/Education. The church uses these assays to help its members find ways to serve that fit their God-given purpose.

When you know who you are, and what you’re good at, it reveals your purpose in your immediate context. This is true in the church and also in life. But even if it leaves you restless, that can be fuel that propels you toward the ultimate fulfillment of your destiny. You have to be looking for it, though. I doubt that caterpillars have any idea their destiny is to become butterflies, but if they don’t fulfill the mission of being caterpillars, they won’t realize their amazing potential.

As I’ve written before about building on strengths instead of correcting weaknesses — if you’re built to be a defensive back, you’re wasting everyone’s time trying to play offensive tackle.

I know what I just said, but…

If, however, you have an overpowering sense of destiny that you are certain is not from yourself, you owe it to yourself to explore it — even if it seems foolish. Consider the Biblical stories of Gideon and King David. When we encounter both men in the Bible, neither displays the potential that God sees in Him.

And NBA fans should take note of league MVP Stephen Curry who was not a top college prospect based on his size, but literally grew into the star he became during his undergraduate career at Davidson College. It’s only possible to persevere against impossible circumstances when one is sure who — and whose — he is.

Beware the False Self

The late Brennan Manning called it “the Impostor.” John Eldredge calls it the false self — that living by your wits in the realm of appearances — instead of living authentically according to the condition of your heart. I’ve learned a lot through the years from John Eldredge’s writings, and I recommend them to you if you want to go deeper into this idea of living from your heart. King Solomon described the heart as “the wellspring of life” in Proverbs, so this is not an option or an accessory. In many ways, this is what it means to live a redeemed and restored life.

Please note well that this redemption comes from God’s loving us in our brokenness and weakness.

Tribes

In an upcoming post, I plan to talk about the threat of tribalism, and how we need to find a way to cool our jets. But this tendency to associate with people who share our values is nothing new. We are all attracted to environments where we can trust and be trusted, know and be known, and communities where values are more homogeneous tend to have higher standards of living, lower incidence of crime, and less violence.

A lot of times this is a positive thing. Presbyterians join with other Presbyterians to worship in a style they prefer and serve effectively based on their shared doctrines. Baptists do this with other Baptists; Catholics with Catholics, and so on. The problems begin when one becomes so invested in the rightness of his way that he cannot recognize good faith on the part of those who go about their worship or work differently. Given the lingering rancor from the most recent US election season, I believe you can see the danger of hyper-partisanship.

Belonging is powerful — and being an outcast is powerfully negative.

Affiliation is interesting. Belonging to a group can reinforce your sense of identity. Veterans have a built-in affinity for fellow veterans. Alumni of given schools bond readily over their shared experience — even if it was decades apart. We all crave acceptance by people we admire. And we feel ruined when we experience rejection. This fear of being excluded — the dread of being exposed as something less than a man, or of being shunned for being different is what gives the false self its power. We need to feel connected.

This explains in part why so many men are diehard sports fans. The process of initiation into cheering for any team is minimal-to-non-existent, and it brings no risk, no cost. Simply wearing the jersey gives you an automatic “in” with other fans. In contrast to the investment of the athletes themselves, emotional investment in a team is nowhere near as time and energy-intensive as the effort expended in the gym and on the field. It’s fine to watch a game, and to be a fan, but for your own sake, have an identity that is your own, and don’t outsource it to any athlete, any team, or any league. You’ll thank me — and here’s just one reason:

Did you know that your favorite sports team can affect your testosterone level? It’s true. When your team wins, you get a boost in your T-level. Conversely, when your team loses, your testosterone level decreases. I’m all for enjoying a ball game as entertainment, but my identity doesn’t rise or fall with the home team, and I’m done wearing another man’s name on my back.

So how about you? In what ways are you acting according to your identity?

“The unexamined life is not worth living.” – Socrates

In my original post on this topic, I explained Robert Ardrey’s idea that our psychological and emotional needs center on Identity, Stimulation, and Security. In my previous post on Identity we discussed that identity emanates from essence, from existence. It is rooted primarily in the unchangeable attributes that accompany us into the world and throughout our lives. We also established that our deeds do not establish our identity so much as they reveal it. But even then, they do so imperfectly.

It isn’t “out there” — it’s in here.

But if I don’t discover my identity from what I do, why do anything?

As in exercise, your muscles won’t grow if you merely lie around thinking about working out. You have to get off the couch and hit the gym, the box, the bike, the dojo. You will never develop the strength and skill you desire without purposeful action.

Similarly, if you are an artist or an entrepreneur, you must commit to the mastery of your craft and you must paint, compose, perform, or launch — even while you are learning. Entrepreneurs commit to a cycle of “launch and iterate,” trying and refining, and always learning. You have heard me say before that “You’re either green and growing, or you’re ripe and rotting.” I stand by that. And I’m still learning and growing myself. If you’re reading this, I expect you’re interested in learning and growing, too.

Sometimes you have to get moving without a clear picture of who you are. But I submit to you that the ideal is to move out of a sense of your identity and calling, instead of doing as a way to discover who you are. The categories are not entirely black and white, but in my next post I’ll illustrate why action must emanate from identity.

Now let’s talk about some ways you can help strengthen your sense of identity.

What are your assets?

What traits do you possess that provide clues to your identity? What do you know of your ancestry — good and bad? What victories and wounds are in your past? What have you learned to this point? What are you learning, and from whom? Is it easy or hard for you to learn? In what domains? What is your ethnicity, and what does that reveal about you? What is your master passion — that is, what makes your heart come alive?

Understand that these are clues that will help you assess who you are and who you’re meant to be under Heaven.

Where do you fit?

Rick Warren’s book, The Purpose Driven Church discusses a method he and his church devised called “Discovering your SHAPE for Ministry.” It’s an acrostic that encourages each of us to discover his role in the body by considering five attributes: Spiritual gifts, Heart, Aptitude(s), Personality, and Experience/Education. The church uses these assays to help its members find ways to serve that fit their God-given purpose.

When you know who you are, and what you’re good at, it reveals your purpose in your immediate context. This is true in the church and also in life. But even if it leaves you restless, that can be fuel that propels you toward the ultimate fulfillment of your destiny. You have to be looking for it, though. I doubt that caterpillars have any idea their destiny is to become butterflies, but if they don’t fulfill the mission of being caterpillars, they won’t realize their amazing potential.

As I’ve written before about building on strengths instead of correcting weaknesses — if you’re built to be a defensive back, you’re wasting everyone’s time trying to play offensive tackle.

I know what I just said, but…

If, however, you have an overpowering sense of destiny that you are certain is not from yourself, you owe it to yourself to explore it — even if it seems foolish. Consider the Biblical stories of Gideon and King David. When we encounter both men in the Bible, neither displays the potential that God sees in Him.

And NBA fans should take note of league MVP Stephen Curry who was not a top college prospect based on his size, but literally grew into the star he became during his undergraduate career at Davidson College. It’s only possible to persevere against impossible circumstances when one is sure who — and whose — he is.

Beware the False Self

The late Brennan Manning called it “the Impostor.” John Eldredge calls it the false self — that living by your wits in the realm of appearances — instead of living authentically according to the condition of your heart. I’ve learned a lot through the years from John Eldredge’s writings, and I recommend them to you if you want to go deeper into this idea of living from your heart. King Solomon described the heart as “the wellspring of life” in Proverbs, so this is not an option or an accessory. In many ways, this is what it means to live a redeemed and restored life.

Please note well that this redemption comes from God’s loving us in our brokenness and weakness.

Tribes

In an upcoming post, I plan to talk about the threat of tribalism, and how we need to find a way to cool our jets. But this tendency to associate with people who share our values is nothing new. We are all attracted to environments where we can trust and be trusted, know and be known, and communities where values are more homogeneous tend to have higher standards of living, lower incidence of crime, and less violence.

A lot of times this is a positive thing. Presbyterians join with other Presbyterians to worship in a style they prefer and serve effectively based on their shared doctrines. Baptists do this with other Baptists; Catholics with Catholics, and so on. The problems begin when one becomes so invested in the rightness of his way that he cannot recognize good faith on the part of those who go about their worship or work differently. Given the lingering rancor from the most recent US election season, I believe you can see the danger of hyper-partisanship.

Belonging is powerful — and being an outcast is powerfully negative.

Affiliation is interesting. Belonging to a group can reinforce your sense of identity. Veterans have a built-in affinity for fellow veterans. Alumni of given schools bond readily over their shared experience — even if it was decades apart. We all crave acceptance by people we admire. And we feel ruined when we experience rejection. This fear of being excluded — the dread of being exposed as something less than a man, or of being shunned for being different is what gives the false self its power. We need to feel connected.

This explains in part why so many men are diehard sports fans. The process of initiation into cheering for any team is minimal-to-non-existent, and it brings no risk, no cost. Simply wearing the jersey gives you an automatic “in” with other fans. In contrast to the investment of the athletes themselves, emotional investment in a team is nowhere near as time and energy-intensive as the effort expended in the gym and on the field. It’s fine to watch a game, and to be a fan, but for your own sake, have an identity that is your own, and don’t outsource it to any athlete, any team, or any league. You’ll thank me — and here’s just one reason:

Did you know that your favorite sports team can affect your testosterone level? It’s true. When your team wins, you get a boost in your T-level. Conversely, when your team loses, your testosterone level decreases. I’m all for enjoying a ball game as entertainment, but my identity doesn’t rise or fall with the home team, and I’m done wearing another man’s name on my back.

So how about you? In what ways are you acting according to your identity?

Here are my thoughts on the aftermath of our recent US elections:

I started my outline on this subject before election day, and I found that it really jelled after I began reading and seeing friends’ reactions on social media. I believe we are not our own, and that we not only have obligations to God, but to those he puts in authority over us for our good. We also have an irrevocable obligation to love our neighbor. Full stop.

To those who view an unfavorable outcome at the ballot box as a loophole, let me tell you that you are mistaken. Be careful not to let your grief and disappointment cause you to disgrace yourselves. And to those who are tempted to gloat, let me tell you that you also are mistaken. I saw the condescension directed at Trump supporters by critics on the left and the right, and the temptation to get revenge is no doubt strong. But there is more productive work for you to do.

No matter which side had won, there is still only one standard for faithful people:

Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. Consequently, whoever rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves. For rulers hold no terror for those who do right, but for those who do wrong. Do you want to be free from fear of the one in authority? Then do what is right and you will be commended. For the one in authority is God’s servant for your good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for rulers do not bear the sword for no reason. They are God’s servants, agents of wrath to bring punishment on the wrongdoer. Therefore, it is necessary to submit to the authorities, not only because of possible punishment but also as a matter of conscience.

^“This is also why you pay taxes, for the authorities are God’s servants, who give their full time to governing.  Give to everyone what you owe them: If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor.

“Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for whoever loves others has fulfilled the law.  The commandments, ‘You shall not commit adultery,’ ‘You shall not murder,’ ‘You shall not steal,’ ‘You shall not covet,’ and whatever other command there may be, are summed up in this one command: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ Love does no harm to a neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.”

-Romans 13:1-10 (NIV)

So how about you: How are you prepared to honor God through your obedience to civil authority and loving your neighbor? Share your thoughts below.

I encountered what I’m about to share with you quite providentially. In a discussion regarding male-female relationships, someone made a passing reference to the letters J.R.R. Tolkien wrote to his son. Being a fan of “The Hobbit” and “The Lord of the Rings, I was intrigued, went looking for the letter, and found it. I have reproduced it below in its entirety — British spellings and all. It is a long, but worthwhile read.

In a future post, I will offer some thoughts on Tolkien’s ideas and how they may apply to your life and mine. In the meantime, notice the fatherly intention and tone of the letter. Here was a man interested in sharing what he had learned with his son — who at the time was recovering in a military hospital from wounds suffered in training during World War II. Enter J.R.R. Tolkien:

“One ring to rule them all…”

From a letter to Michael Tolkien 6-8 March 1941

[On the subject of marriage and relations between the sexes.]

A man’s dealings with women can be purely physical (they cannot really, of course: but I mean he can refuse to take other things into account, to the great damage of his soul (and body) and theirs); or ‘friendly’; or he can be a ‘lover’ (engaging and blending all his affections and powers of mind and body in a complex emotion powerfully coloured and energized by ‘sex’). This is a fallen world. The dislocation of sex-instinct is one of the chief symptoms of the Fall. The world has been ‘going to the bad’ all down the ages. The various social forms shift, and each new mode has its special dangers: but the ‘hard spirit of concupiscence’ has walked down every street, and sat leering in every house, since Adam fell. We will leave aside the ‘immoral’ results. These you desire not to be dragged into. To renunciation you have no call. ‘Friendship’ then? In this fallen world the ‘friendship’ that should be possible between all human beings, is virtually impossible between man and woman. The devil is endlessly ingenious, and sex is his favourite subject. He is as good every bit at catching you through generous romantic or tender motives, as through baser or more animal ones. This ‘friendship’ has often been tried: one side or the other nearly always fails. Later in life when sex cools down, it may be possible. It may happen between saints. To ordinary folk it can only rarely occur: two minds that have really a primarily mental and spiritual affinity may by accident reside in a male and a female body, and yet may desire and achieve a ‘friendship’ quite independent of sex. But no one can count on it. The other partner will let him (or her) down, almost certainly, by ‘falling in love’. But a young man does not really (as a rule) want ‘friendship’, even if he says he does. There are plenty of young men (as a rule). He wants love: innocent, and yet irresponsible perhaps. Allas! Allas! that ever love was sinne! as Chaucer says. Then if he is a Christian and is aware that there is such a thing as sin, he wants to know what to do about it.

There is in our Western culture the romantic chivalric tradition still strong, though as a product of Christendom (yet by no means the same as Christian ethics) the times are inimical to it. It idealizes ‘love’ — and as far as it goes can be very good, since it takes in far more than physical pleasure, and enjoins if not purity, at least fidelity, and so self-denial, ‘service’, courtesy, honour, and courage. Its weakness is, of course, that it began as an artificial courtly game, a way of enjoying love for its own sake without reference to (and indeed contrary to) matrimony. Its centre was not God, but imaginary Deities, Love and the Lady. It still tends to make the Lady a kind of guiding star or divinity – of the old-fashioned ‘his divinity’ = the woman he loves – the object or reason of noble conduct. This is, of course, false and at best make-believe. The woman is another fallen human-being with a soul in peril. But combined and harmonized with religion (as long ago it was, producing much of that beautiful devotion to Our Lady that has been God’s way of refining so much our gross manly natures and emotions, and also of warming and colouring our hard, bitter, religion) it can be very noble. Then it produces what I suppose is still felt, among those who retain even vestigiary Christianity, to be the highest ideal of love between man and woman. Yet I still think it has dangers. It is not wholly true, and it is not perfectly ‘theocentric’. It takes, or at any rate has in the past taken, the young man’s eye off women as they are, as companions in shipwreck not guiding stars. (One result is for observation of the actual to make the young man turn cynical.) To forget their desires, needs and temptations. It inculcates exaggerated notions of ‘true love’, as a fire from without, a permanent exaltation, unrelated to age, childbearing, and plain life, and unrelated to will and purpose. (One result of that is to make young folk look for a ‘love’ that will keep them always nice and warm in a cold world, without any effort of theirs; and the incurably romantic go on looking even in the squalor of the divorce courts).

Women really have not much part in all this, though they may use the language of romantic love, since it is so entwined in all our idioms. The sexual impulse makes women (naturally when unspoiled more unselfish) very sympathetic and understanding, or specially desirous of being so (or seeming so), and very ready to enter into all the interests, as far as they can, from ties to religion, of the young man they are attracted to. No intent necessarily to deceive: sheer instinct: the servient, helpmeet instinct, generously warmed by desire and young blood. Under this impulse they can in fact often achieve very remarkable insight and understanding, even of things otherwise outside their natural range: for it is their gift to be receptive, stimulated, fertilized (in many other matters than the physical) by the male. Every teacher knows that. How quickly an intelligent woman can be taught, grasp his ideas, see his point – and how (with rare exceptions) they can go no further, when they leave his hand, or when they cease to take a personal interest in him. But this is their natural avenue to love. Before the young woman knows where she is (and while the romantic young man, when he exists, is still sighing) she may actually ‘fall in love’. Which for her, an unspoiled natural young woman, means that she wants to become the mother of the young man’s children, even if that desire is by no means clear to her or explicit. And then things are going to happen: and they may be very painful and harmful, if things go wrong. Particularly if the young man only wanted a temporary guiding star and divinity (until he hitches his waggon to a brighter one), and was merely enjoying the flattery of sympathy nicely seasoned with a titillation of sex – all quite innocent, of course, and worlds away from ‘seduction’.

You may meet in life (as in literature¹) women who are flighty, or even plain wanton — I don’t refer to mere flirtatiousness, the sparring practice for the real combat, but to women who are too silly to take even love seriously, or are actually so depraved as to enjoy ‘conquests’, or even enjoy the giving of pain – but these are abnormalities, even though false teaching, bad upbringing, and corrupt fashions may encourage them. Much though modern conditions have changed feminine circumstances, and the detail of what is considered propriety, they have not changed natural instinct. A man has a life-work, a career, (and male friends), all of which could (and do where he has any guts) survive the shipwreck of ‘love’. A young woman, even one ‘economically independent’, as they say now (it usually really means economic subservience to male commercial employers instead of to a father or a family), begins to think of the ‘bottom drawer’ and dream of a home, almost at once. If she really falls in love, the shipwreck may really end on the rocks. Anyway women are in general much less romantic and more practical. Don’t be misled by the fact that they are more ‘sentimental’ in words – freer with ‘darling’, and all that. They do not want a guiding star. They may idealize a plain young man into a hero; but they don’t really need any such glamour either to fall in love or to remain in it. If they have any delusion it is that they can ‘reform’ men. They will take a rotter open-eyed, and even when the delusion of reforming him fails, go on loving him. They are, of course, much more realistic about the sexual relation. Unless perverted by bad contemporary fashions they do not as a rule talk ‘bawdy’; not because they are purer than men (they are not) but because they don’t find it funny. I have known those who pretended to, but it is a pretence. It may be intriguing, interesting, absorbing (even a great deal too absorbing) to them: but it is just plumb natural, a serious, obvious interest; where is the joke?

They have, of course, still to be more careful in sexual relations, for all the contraceptives. Mistakes are damaging physically and socially (and matrimonially). But they are instinctively, when uncorrupt, monogamous. Men are not. …. No good pretending. Men just ain’t, not by their animal nature. Monogamy (although it has long been fundamental to our inherited ideas) is for us men a piece of ‘revealed’ ethic, according to faith and not to the flesh. Each of us could healthily beget, in our 30 odd years of full manhood, a few hundred children, and enjoy the process. Brigham Young (I believe) was a healthy and happy man. It is a fallen world, and there is no consonance between our bodies, minds, and souls.

However, the essence of a fallen world is that the best cannot be attained by free enjoyment, or by what is called ‘self-realization’ (usually a nice name for self-indulgence, wholly inimical to the realization of other selves); but by denial, by suffering. Faithfulness in Christian marriage entails that: great mortification. For a Christian man there is no escape. Marriage may help to sanctify & direct to its proper object his sexual desires; its grace may help him in the struggle; but the struggle remains. It will not satisfy him – as hunger may be kept off by regular meals. It will offer as many difficulties to the purity proper to that state, as it provides easements. No man, however truly he loved his betrothed and bride as a young man, has lived faithful to her as a wife in mind and body without deliberate conscious exercise of the will, without self-denial. Too few are told that — even those brought up ‘in the Church’. Those outside seem seldom to have heard it. When the glamour wears off, or merely works a bit thin, they think they have made a mistake, and that the real soul-mate is still to find. The real soul-mate too often proves to be the next sexually attractive person that comes along. Someone whom they might indeed very profitably have married, if only —. Hence divorce, to provide the ‘if only’. And of course they are as a rule quite right: they did make a mistake. Only a very wise man at the end of his life could make a sound judgement concerning whom, amongst the total possible chances, he ought most profitably to have married! Nearly all marriages, even happy ones, are mistakes: in the sense that almost certainly (in a more perfect world, or even with a little more care in this very imperfect one) both partners might have found more suitable mates. But the ‘real soul-mate’ is the one you are actually married to. You really do very little choosing: life and circumstance do most of it (though if there is a God these must be His instruments, or His appearances). It is notorious that in fact happy marriages are more common where the ‘choosing’ by the young persons is even more limited, by parental or family authority, as long as there is a social ethic of plain unromantic responsibility and conjugal fidelity. But even in countries where the romantic tradition has so far affected social arrangements as to make people believe that the choosing of a mate is solely the concern of the young, only the rarest good fortune brings together the man and woman who are really as it were ‘destined’ for one another, and capable of a very great and splendid love. The idea still dazzles us, catches us by the throat: poems and stories in multitudes have been written on the theme, more, probably, than the total of such loves in real life (yet the greatest of these tales do not tell of the happy marriage of such great lovers, but of their tragic separation; as if even in this sphere the truly great and splendid in this fallen world is more nearly achieved by ‘failure’ and suffering). In such great inevitable love, often love at first sight, we catch a vision, I suppose, of marriage as it should have been in an unfallen world. In this fallen world we have as our only guides, prudence, wisdom (rare in youth, too late in age), a clean, heart, and fidelity of will.….

My own history is so exceptional, so wrong and imprudent in nearly every point that it makes it difficult to counsel prudence. Yet hard cases make bad law; and exceptional cases are not always good guides for others. For what it is worth here is some autobiography – mainly on this occasion directed towards the points of age, and finance.

I fell in love with your mother at the approximate age of 18. Quite genuinely, as has been shown – though of course defects of character and temperament have caused me often to fall below the ideal with which I started. Your mother was older than I, and not a Catholic. Altogether unfortunate, as viewed by a guardian. And it was in a sense very unfortunate; and in a way very bad for me. These things are absorbing and nervously exhausting. I was a clever boy in the throes of work for (a very necessary) Oxford scholarship. The combined tensions nearly produced a bad breakdown. I muffed my exams and though (as years afterwards my H[ead] M[aster] told me) I ought to have got a good scholarship, I only landed by the skin of my teeth an exhibition of £60 at Exeter: just enough with a school leaving scholarship] of the same amount to come up on (assisted by my dear old guardian). Of course there was a credit side, not so easily seen by the guardian. I was clever, but not industrious or single-minded; a large pan of my failure was due simply to not working (at least not at classics) not because I was in love, but because I was studying something else: Gothic and what not. Having the romantic upbringing I made a boy-and-girl affair serious, and made it the source of effort. Naturally rather a physical coward, I passed from a despised rabbit on a house second-team to school colours in two seasons. All that sort of thing. However, trouble arose: and I had to choose between disobeying and grieving (or deceiving) a guardian who had been a father to me, more than most real fathers, but without any obligation, and ‘dropping’ the love-affair until I was 21. I don’t regret my decision, though it was very hard on my lover. But that was not my fault. She was perfectly free and under no vow to me, and I should have had no just complaint (except according to the unreal romantic code) if she had got married to someone else. For very nearly three years I did not see or write to my lover. It was extremely hard, painful and bitter, especially at first. The effects were not wholly good: I fell back into folly and slackness and misspent a good deal of my first year at College. But I don’t think anything else would have justified marriage on the basis of a boy’s affair; and probably nothing else would have hardened the will enough to give such an affair (however genuine a case of true love) permanence. On the night of my 21st birthday I wrote again to your mother – Jan. 3, 1913. On Jan. 8th I went back to her, and became engaged, and informed an astonished family. I picked up my socks and did a spot of work (too late to save Hon. Mods. from disaster) – and then war broke out the next year, while I still had a year to go at college. In those days chaps joined up, or were scorned publicly. It was a nasty cleft to be in, especially for a young man with too much imagination and little physical courage. No degree: no money: fiancée. I endured the obloquy, and hints becoming outspoken from relatives, stayed up, and produced a First in Finals in 1915. Bolted into the army: July 1915. I found the situation intolerable and married on March 22, 1916. May found me crossing the Channel (I still have the verse I wrote on the occasion!) for the carnage of the Somme.

Think of your mother! Yet I do not now for a moment feel that she was doing more than she should have been asked to do – not that that detracts from the credit of it. I was a young fellow, with a moderate degree, and apt to write verse, a few dwindling pounds p. a. (£20 – 40), and no prospects, a Second Lieut. on 7/6 a day in the infantry where the chances of survival were against you heavily (as a subaltern). She married me in 1916 and John was born in 1917 (conceived and carried during the starvation-year of 1917 and the great U-Boat campaign) round about the battle of Cambrai, when the end of the war seemed as far-off as it does now. I sold out, and spent to pay the nursing-home, the last of my few South African shares, ‘my patrimony’.

Out of the darkness of my life, so much frustrated, I put before you the one great thing to love on earth: the Blessed Sacrament. …. There you will find romance, glory, honour, fidelity, and the true way of all your loves upon earth, and more than that: Death: by the divine paradox, that which ends life, and demands the surrender of all, and yet by the taste (or foretaste) of which alone can what you seek in your earthly relationships (love, faithfulness, joy) be maintained, or take on that complexion of reality, of eternal endurance, which every man’s heart desires.”

So how about you? What beliefs about love, sex, and, marriage does Tolkien challenge? Add your comments below.

“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” – Proverbs 17:17

I just came back from a long weekend with four of my oldest — in terms of length of friendship — friends. We arranged to meet for a four-day weekend on the North Carolina coast to catch up, watch some football, make some music and stay up late — just like we used to.

This may have been the only period of sunshine the entire weekend — and we didn’t care!

The five of us grew up together. Through school, scouts and sports (formal and informal),we met in fifth, sixth and seventh grade and were pretty much inseparable from then on. After we graduated high school, two of us went to one small, private college, while the other three went to a large state university. We were each others’ closest confidants and college roommates, and through all those years we stayed in touch and remained friends.

As we graduated and each of us got married, life took its own course. With careers taking us across the country, we found it much more difficult to get everybody together. Having and raising children made getting together even less likely. As infrequently as it happened at times, we continued to correspond, with twos and threes seeing each other as they had occasion to do so.

In my case, one of these four friends of mine and I remained friends, even though by our reckoning we hadn’t seen each other in person in over 20 years. (Social media has helped bridge the gap, but we have agreed not to allow another 20 years to pass without a meetup.) Interestingly, when we all got together it was as if no time had passed. The friendship among us seemed to take up right where we left off. And this is why I’m telling you about it.

A man needs friends

Over the years, I have seen multiple references to, and even had conversations with men who bemoan the rise of what author David Smith calls “The Friendless American Male.” As great a tool as it is, the internet makes it easier than ever for a man to isolate himself, while browsing nearly any topic — good or bad — that enters his thoughts. The problem with this approach is that we are relational creatures by our very nature. Reading a blog — even a well-written one — is not the same as having a relationship with another human being. And commenting on a blog– even if you get a response — isn’t like really getting to know someone.

Your life can be richer if you take the time to build genuine friendships through shared experiences.

A long weekend – and an adventure

While we were approaching the date of our meetup, a hurricane was chewing its way through the Caribbean and apparently heading for our destination. When the storm turned north and east, we decided to head for the coast anyway. After all, we weren’t there to tan — we were there for friendship. True to the predictions, the rain fell. Hard. Still, we enjoyed the easy conversation of friends with all the discoveries of what the years had taught each of us.

Running from Joaquin

By Sunday afternoon, though, the ground was sodden, and the Weather Service was predicting inland flooding. We discussed it briefly, decided on our plan B, and we were packed and rolling toward Raleigh in 20 minutes. Our route off the island was partially submerged, but we kept going. We found out later that the Highway Department closed the road about an hour after we left. There were high fives all around the table when we had confirmation that we’d made the right call. Well done, friends!

Advantages of masculine friendship

Just to be clear, here, we are talking in terms of what the ancient Greeks called Philia – brotherly love. Some say you can be friends with members of the opposite sex (debatable), but there is no substitute in a man’s life for the company of other men. Here are several advantages of masculine friendship:

• Friendship for its own sake – Nobody was trying to sell anything. Nobody was trying to impress anybody, or one-up his mates.
• Being known and accepted – and knowing and accepting your friends — So much of life comes to us as a bitter zero-sum game. True friends get you, so you can relax and seek each others’ good.
• Mutual respect and appreciation — We’ve all diverged in some interesting ways since our youth. Our politics never were monolithic and they still aren’t. We like different sports teams. Some like fantasy football, others don’t have any interest in it. We each worship differently. What was delightful was the way we were able to have interesting and lively discussions while being entirely civil. When you know you can’t just write each other off over a difference of opinion — even a profound one — it shifts you into a different gear.
• Honor and truth — No one else but your closest friends has the right to get completely in your face over your foolishness. And nobody except a true friend would bother. Likewise, no one but a true friend will hear your struggles without despising you for them. This honesty is the honor that friends show one another and it is priceless.

The distinctive quality of friendship

My friends and I were fortunate to have lived so many of our formative years in the same town, sharing the same teachers, the same classmates, and the same experiences. But even if you didn’t or don’t have friends like these in your life, it isn’t too late. None of us started off as best friends — it took time — so don’t rush it. Do, however, set aside time to build your friendship around multiple activities you all enjoy.

Our church encourages the formation small groups — I lead a men’s group — that emphasizes Care , Growth, and Impact. Even if your friendships don’t center on faith, these three emphases would also provide an opportunity to cultivate a well-rounded friendship. As Rex, founder of Rex Kwan Do,  said in Napoleon Dynamite, “No more flying solo.”

So how about you? How are you cultivating friendships that will last? Add your comments below.