“Rain and storm and dark skies
Well now they don’t mean a thing
If you got a girl that loves you
And who wants to wear your ring
So c’mon mister trouble
We’ll make it through you somehow
We’ll fill this house with all the love
All that heaven will allow”
-Bruce Springsteen “All That Heaven Will Allow”

I have the privilege of attending a lot of wedding functions.  Many of my paying gigs are wedding receptions, and as a result I get to meet with brides and grooms and get to know them a little.   Sometimes I get to offer recommendations regarding the reception.  So far nobody has asked me what I recommend in the way of wedding vows, but if they did,  I would absolutely recommend the traditional vows as they appear in the Book of Common Prayer:

The priest is dead, the church burned down, the groom lost his hair, but they’re still in love and still married.

The Declaration of Consent

The Celebrant says to the woman

N., will you have this man to be your husband; to live
together in the covenant of marriage?  Will you love him,
comfort him, honor and keep him, in sickness and in health;
and, forsaking all others, be faithful to him as long as you
both shall live?

The Woman answers
I will.

The Celebrant says to the man

N., will you have this woman to be your wife; to live
together in the covenant of marriage?  Will you love her,
comfort her, honor and keep her, in sickness and in health;
and, forsaking all others, be faithful to her as long as you
both shall live?

The Man answers
I will.

 

The Marriage

The Man, facing the woman and taking her right hand in his, says

In the Name of God, I, N., take you, N., to be my wife, to
have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse,
for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to
cherish, until we are parted by death.  This is my solemn vow.

Then they loose their hands, and the Woman, still facing the man, takes
his right hand in hers, and says

In the Name of God, I, N., take you, N., to be my husband,
to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for
worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love
and to cherish, until we are parted by death.  This is my
solemn vow.

The loose their hands.

The Priest may ask God’s blessing on a ring or rings as follows

Bless, O Lord, this ring to be a sign of the vows by which
this man and this woman have bound themselves to each
other; through Jesus Christ our Lord.  Amen.

The giver places the ring on the ring-finger of the other’s hand and says

N., I give you this ring as a symbol of my vow, and with all
that I am, and all that I have, I honor you, in the Name of
the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit (or in the
Name of God).”

First things

Note first that these are vows — solemn promises made first to God, then to each other.  A covenant between the two of you and Almighty God is binding, so the words you speak are important.  I recommend that you and your fiancée study them carefully and mean them when you say them to each other.

Why old-school vows are the best

Did you think I forgot the purpose of this post?  Old-school wedding vows address eight important facets of what marriage is. Here’s my list — feel free to add your insights below:

• Consent

  • — This is a big topic these days.  Traditional vows ask the woman first if she indeed agrees to take her fiancé as her husband.  Then he gets to answer the same question regarding his intention to take her as his wife.

• Duties

  • – Each is to love, comfort, honor and keep the other.  He’s not getting a maid; she’s not getting a butler.

• Faithfulness

  • — Under Heaven, she is to be his highest priority, and he is to be hers.  God is joining you for His purposes and he means for you to remain devoted to each other.  No hall passes or elevator lists.  Nobody on the side.

• Personal

  • – Note the marriage begins with “I, George, take you, Martha, to be my wife.”  The speaking of each other’s names and the choosing of each other verbally is powerful.

• Intimate

  • – “To have and to hold” refers to the importance of the marriage bed over the course of your  life together.  Notice this phrase appears twice in a very short span of time.  It’s that important.

• Exclusive

  • – This is what “forsaking all others” means.  Husbands and wives are to look to each other for the deepest intimacy.  Nobody — not mom and dad, not the kids, not the pastor, not the boss, not former girlfriends, not current friends — is to come before the obligations to love and care for each other

• Forever

  • — “Until we are parted by death” or “As long as we both shall live,” as it is also sometimes said.  Please note: Some couples revise this to “As long as we both shall love.” Barf!  This is essentially saying “I promise until I no longer promise.”  If you can’t commit for life, perhaps you shouldn’t get married.

• No matter what

  • — Notice that the vows spell out the range of conditions a couple can experience — sickness and health; plenty and want; prosperity and adversity — and note that the expectation remains the same regardless of bank balance or blood pressure.

The big idea

If you believe that marriage is given as a sign of the relationship between Christ and the Church, the you can see that the love and devotion due one’s spouse is unconditional.

Someone once asked me, “If you could have all that Heaven is — but without God, would you take it?”  I answered that a Heaven without God would be Hell itself.  It’s a great question for clarifying our motives.

Traditional wedding vows are designed to get at a similar idea.  If health, money, looks, and all the fun dried up, would she be enough?  Would she think you’re enough?   Anything other than a firm yes here spells trouble.

When we perform for newlyweds, I nearly always tell them that marriage is hard work, but it’s worth it.  I stand by that.  If you and your beloved make solid vows and take them seriously, this will help you do the hard but worthwhile work of marriage.

So how about you? What sort of vows do you plan to use for your wedding and why?  Add your comments below.

“When your only tool is a hammer, all the world looks like a nail.” – Ancient Proverb

A note from your host: I considered writing this as an open-letter to my fictional  twentysomething nephew. My reasoning was that my intentions might be more apparent if I was expressing these thoughts in a relational context — from an uncle to a beloved nephew. As you’ll see, I decided to keep the form I use for most other posts, since I couldn’t be sure that the open letter wouldn’t cause confusion within my extended family. As I have said before, I am not my own, so I have to consider how what I do here and elsewhere affects others.

We’ve been talking about Identity, Stimulation, and Security — the three emotional and psychological needs that each one of us seeks to fulfill once we’ve seen to our bodily needs. In a recent post, I observed that social activism seems to be a way many young and not-so-young people are seeking to satisfy these needs. The bigger-than-yourself cause, the identity derived from what one is for, as well as what one is against, the meetings, the rallies, the conflict, the drama, and the security of being part of the group — one of the good guys. All these benefits are real. And if one is aimed at a righteous objective, one can accomplish a great deal of good. But I also warned that cults and destructive causes can also provide the same good feelings, but in the service of destructive aims.

Tools of the trade – Your mileage may vary
(Photo by Krzysztof Puszczyński)

Won’t get fooled again?

These days, we see groups of masked and black-clad anti-fascists, antifa for short, protesting primarily against the Trump administration, though there are various other social critiques and statements on the signs I’ve seen. I take these activists and their intentions seriously, even while I differ with their views and their methods. They have already demonstrated a willingness to suit up and show up, so they deserve credit for believing strongly enough to do something about it.

What is harder to do is to pin down the core message and beliefs of the group. The latter-day antifa have adopted the mid-20th century communists’ name and symbols, so that’s a strong directional clue. I am less certain how many of the participants in various street demonstrations share these tenets with their philosophical ancestors, versus how many enjoy the identity, stimulation, and security they derive from the cause.

It is also disappointing to see their passion boiling over into violence against “fascists” who do not deserve the label, but who simply have a different point of view.

The rationale

As I understand it, antifa teaches that it is moral to use violence, since that violence will create disincentives among those who are on the receiving end to behave fascistically, and will further inhibit any inclination toward “fascism” among those fearful of getting the same treatment. As cartoonist Scott Adams explains (I’m paraphrasing), If you could go back in time and kill Hitler when he was a baby, it would be moral, so of course you’d do it. The problem is that the labels Nazi, Hitler, and fascist have been applied to every presidential candidate the Republican party has nominated since Bob Dole.

You can see the problem, right? These epithets have become cheapened through overuse — so much so that actual fascists are nearly impossible to identify. But more dangerous is the license to commit violence this appears to give to young activists whose identity, stimulation, and security depend on remaining in the in-group. These emotional needs are so strong that, unfortunately, innocent people fall victim to violence.

What is a fascist?

That’s the problem! Ask ten people for a modern example of fascism and you’ll likely get ten answers. This, despite a well-established body of political philosophy that defines fascism and its assumption quite clearly. More than anything, to cry fascist seems to be a lazy way to slander people whom one designates unworthy of debate. And as we’ve established above, if my opponent is not worthy of debate, he isn’t really human. This depersonalization of the other further justifies inflicting harm. Non-persons’ lives, families and communities are valued at zero, so one can attack them and say they have it coming.

What’s the payoff?

My impression is that most antifa footsoldiers aren’t very happy. Their willingness to accept a role as an imperial stormtrooper in the service to a totalitarian ideology that subsumes their identity, suggests that they are seeking an escape. Whether from boredom, envy, or a sense of powerlessness, I can’t say. I recognize however, that this is a mark of spiritually hungry people looking for what John Eldredge expresses as the needs of our hearts — beauty, adventure, and intimacy.

This seems to be a misplaced attempt to obtain the excitement and the satisfaction of genuine adventure, set in the context of a great struggle. Cosplay and live-action role playing satisfy some of the same longings, minus the lethal potential.  Violent protesting goes far beyond dressing as a hero at Comic Con, or mock duelling at the Renaissance Festival — but it’s easy to see where the desire comes from, and the progression to direct action.

But referring again to the plumbline, is today’s antifascism truly a noble and transcendent cause?  For the reasons I’ve given above, I understand its appeal, but I say it is neither worthy nor noble.

A still more excellent way

Follow Jesus.

He’s the only religious figure who taught his disciples to love their enemies and pray for their persecutors. While I recognize that there is a gap between what Jesus instructs and what His followers (including your host) actually do, we have seen Christ followers unfairly maligned as Christo-fascists — assigning a totalitarian motive to followers of the king whose kingdom was — and is — not of this world. The way of Jesus is truly revolutionary,

Love — you keep using that word…

C.S. Lewis distinguished love from sentimentality. Love can be fierce and hard-edged, but it always seeks the good of the beloved. Consider parents who discipline their little boy for running into the street. Sentimentality suggests the parents shouldn’t hurt the child’s feelings by scolding him, but the failure to convey to him the wrong he’s done isn’t loving. If the child doesn’t learn not to run into the street, he will likely be injured or killed by a car.

In the same way, we have an obligation to speak the truth in love to those with whom we disagree. We should seek to avoid violent confrontations while asserting what is true. After all, if we believe God will repay evil, we can afford to take the long view. You do have the right to defend yourself and others, however, so for Heaven’s sake be wise.

So how about you? Are you feeling the urge to do something? How can you channel that into something life-giving? Add your comments below.