“The glory of young men is their strength, but the splendor of old men is their grey hair.” – Proverbs 20:29

I said I wanted a photo portraying mentors!

In his book, “To Own a Dragon: Reflections on Growing Up Without a Father,” Don Miller compares the transfer of wisdom from older to younger men to the method pilots used to advise one another when flying across the Pacific Ocean.  Since there are great expanses of ocean with no land on which to build radar installations, pilots further along the route advised the pilots following them regarding weather and flying conditions.  This communication from their more senior colleagues was essential.

Mentoring is the relational equivalent of getting the radio call from a pilot further across the ocean than you are.

Why you need a mentor

Historically, fathers filled this primary role with support from grandfathers, uncles, godfathers, coaches, scoutmasters, Sunday school teachers — a whole network of resources that could help a young man find his way.  A lot of practical knowledge passed from older men to younger men regarding work, women, faith and friendship, and the number of men engaged in the process helped to curb the excesses of any one individual.

As you’ve no doubt seen, our atomized culture and unfavorable marriage trends have made these relationships harder to come by.  However, a mentor can help you overcome this lack by sharing the wisdom accumulated over a longer span of time than your life to date.

What About Dad?

Even if you have a great dad, you need a mentor. Your father’s guidance is valuable, but we tend to discount it – kind of like when your mom tells you you’re handsome. She’s supposed to think so, so it doesn’t mean as much.  Your mentor will make observations a family member won’t, but will also confirm the best of your upbringing.

How to get a mentor

This is not a combat mission or a one-time event.  Mentoring at its heart is relational, so you should seek to develop a friendship over time.  Even so, the most straightforward approach is best: ask.  Don’t hint around — be direct and ask for the help you need.

As a suggestion, find a healthy, doctrinally sound church that has a good balance of men and women attending, and I’ll bet there are men there who have been mentored and who would be willing to mentor you.    Note: Some churches have even organized mentoring programs to match young men with solid mentors.

What you should expect

Here are the top attributes you should look for in a prospective mentor:

• Commitment — You need a mentor who genuinely wants to help you become the best version of yourself.
• Boundaries — He’s not signing on to be a surrogate dad, and he needs to be a wise steward of his time — and yours. Pro tip: Meet in public at a coffee shop or restaurant and limit your meetings to about an hour.
• Discretion — Over time, your mentor should know you well enough and have sufficient judgment to ask tough questions and to call you on your B.S.  Those discussions should stay between you, though.
• Candor — about his own failures and lessons learned, but also about how he sees your situation.  You need someone in your life who will tell you the truth — and stick by you — when you’re behaving like a jackass.
• Prudence — Your mentor should exhibit wisdom in his behavior and demeanor, acting and speaking appropriately.  Note this, since a byproduct of mentoring is that over time you will become more like your mentor.

What your mentor should expect from you
Here’s what a good mentor is looking for from you:

• Punctuality — Show up on time.  The man is giving you a treasure.  Value it by showing appropriate respect for his time.
• Great questions — Most mentoring occurs as a dialog.  You may discuss a book you’re both reading, but come in with well-thought-out questions.
• A listening ear — If you want wisdom, you must listen carefully.  You may disagree, but don’t interrupt or argue.
• Honesty — A mentor who gets anything other than the truth from you is wasting his time.  Be completely truthful.
• Humility — You have much to learn, but now you have a guide.  Be thankful.

Just so you know, this is not an abstraction for me — I meet and check in with my mentor regularly.

So how about you?  Do you have a mentor?  What’s the best lesson you’ve learned from a mentor or as a mentor?  Add your comments below.

“If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you…”
-Kipling

In my previous post, I explained that security is a dynamic property. By that I meant that although one can receive security from his parents and his upbringing,  one must not simply seek security for its own sake — rather security provides a  stable base from which to launch any worthwhile adventure. In addition, security is something a man gives to and spends on behalf of those under his headship.

Each of us is on the hook for his own responses, his own choices.

As a way in, it was necessary to show how fear and insecurity inhibit men from realizing their greatest potential. When this happens, a man is over-valuing his security. I call that playing not to lose.

Students of American history will likely recall this quotation from America’s founding:

“Those who surrender freedom for security will not have, nor do they deserve, either one.”
-Benjamin Franklin

Clearly Franklin understood — and wanted us to understand — that security and freedom are in tension, and that if a man clings too tightly to security he will wind up sacrificing his liberty. Slaves don’t have adventures.

What William Wallace Said

If you haven’t seen the movie Braveheart, you should. It tells the story of William Wallace — the 13th-century Scottish warrior who rallied his fellow countrymen to oppose the tyrannical king Edward and win independence for Scotland. The following well-known scene illustrates the tension between freedom and security so I encourage you to watch it here:

Wallace asks his outnumbered and fearful countrymen how they will use their freedom. Like him, I do not want to be haunted by regret.

Why Safe Spaces Are a Bad Deal

On many college and university campuses, students are demanding and administrations are providing safe spaces. The rules vary by school, but in the main these are places where, to quote the old folk song Home on the Range, “…seldom is heard a discouraging word…” Except in these days, the banishment of unpopular or disfavored ideas comes accompanied by a “Trigger warning.”

I remember how stressful the workload at college was. And of course, now I look back at how much free time I actually had. Nevertheless, for that time and my experience to that point is was stressful. However, can we agree that being shielded from every idea that might challenge, upset, or offend one is a recipe for sapping and not building resilience? And can we agree further that if you need a trigger warning, you are not secure? May I suggest you view this as a weakness that you can and must overcome. It will be worth the effort.

Just as resistance training builds muscle, wrestling with unfamiliar or even offensive ideas builds your moral, spiritual, and intellectual muscles.

It’s a big world — don’t skip leg day

If you’re going to function at the peak of your capabilities, you cannot hide out from ideas you don’t like. You must have enough groundedness, enough security in who you are and what you believe so that you have a stable platform from which to engage new ideas. And then you must engage them.

Like a lot of guys who got interested in training with weights, I spent most of my early years in the gym working “mirror” muscles — chest and arms. Squats hurt too much (because I tried to rush the process), so I didn’t do them. And all that caught up to me later when I had to undergo physical therapy because of the imbalance I had created through my laziness/pain avoidance/bad habits. Balance your physical, as well as your emotional and spiritual training, and you’ll be secure enough to know you can handle any idea that comes your way.

Besides, you may find that you’ve been wrong about something(s). Ask me how I know.

I told you so

No, not like that. Over the years I’ve been writing and publishing this blog, I have mentioned on more than one occasion the importance of three things:

1. Masculine initiation
2. Mentors
3. A biblical worldview

Are you starting to see the connections? Initiation provides a pathway to manhood with defined waypoints. When you negotiate that pathway, you come to the end with the assurance that you have a date, a time, and a place where you became a man. I didn’t get this as a boy, but God provided what I needed along with a desire to communicate it to others. With that healing, I provided just such an initiation experience for my sons.*

Mentors are like the master craftsmen who teach their trade to their apprentices. They aren’t there to teach you the basics — but they are there to help you master the craft of your life. I met with my mentor yesterday morning, as I have been doing for years now. And I meet regularly with several different young men as their mentor.

And a biblical worldview gives you an unchanging reference point by which to measure the rightness of a belief system, a work of  art, a cause, or a policy. All of this brings us back around to identity, stimulation, and security.

So how about you? In what ways are you building and spending Security? Add your comments below.

*If you’re interested in having me speak to your group about masculine initiation, I can provide more information on what I devised for my sons. (I’m a pretty good public speaker, too.) Contact me via email or post a comment and we’ll discuss.

“Faithful are the wounds of a friend;
    profuse are the kisses of an enemy.” – Proverbs 27:6 (ESV)

The story I’m about to tell you is true. While I am not particularly proud of certain aspects of this story, I think it has a happy enough ending, as well as a useful moral, so I’m willing to live with the discomfort. If you are a student or you are launching your working life, I hope my telling you this story will help you find the motivation to do your best work now.

When I graduated college back in the last century, it was late in May. When I received my diploma, I had not yet secured that all important J-O-B, despite interviews and even some call backs from some well-known companies still in business today. Through contacting friends of friends, I eventually landed an entry-level sales job with a textile machinery manufacturer in a nearby small city. It was more exciting than frightening — and even though I knew absolutely nothing about textile machinery, I had sold everything from Christmas cards to cogs to clothing while I was growing up. How hard could it be?

Want treasure later? Hit the books today.
(Photo by Glen Noble)

After college, the real education begins

Through the grapevine,  I knew that many of my classmates were working in the big city, and that their starting salaries were about 20% higher than mine. I didn’t care, because I had a degree, a job, a car (a ’69 VW Beetle with a fuel leak) and my own apartment. The first lessons were hard ones. “Real” life as an adult doesn’t operate by the rules that govern campus life, and the range of appropriate self-expression in the workplace is more narrow and well-defined. (I’m telling you this so you’ll have a clue when you get there.)

On top of the cultural lessons, there were the business lessons. Companies don’t simply “have” money. If they are selling products and services, they have some coming in, but if the amount coming in isn’t greater than the sum of expenses, they won’t be in business long. For this reason, a company can’t simply decide to pay its employees more, nor does a company always have the option of raising prices. Usually, a company’s best path out of trouble is to increase sales while reducing expenses. If the former doesn’t happen, people who aren’t the owners or related to the owners will find their hours curtailed or their positions eliminated to accomplish the latter. I have never forgotten this — and I want you to know and understand it.

Then there were the personal lessons. I had a vague idea about how the whole paying bills thing worked, so I dove into it headlong. I was never late on my student loans, my car payment, or my rent, but without a budget, I often found myself with month left over at the end of the money. Oh, and early on I didn’t understand that I was supposed to have the electricity switched over from the apartment complex to me, so I did come home from work one evening to find I had no power.

So, there I was — a single man in a small town with no friends nearby and nearly no experience in a tough industry.  The one grace of that first year was that my company expected me to be on the road making sales calls during the week. As long as I was doing that, I had food to supplement my meager groceries and I received mileage reimbursement to cover the wear and tear on the new car I bought. Still, it was tough.

Connecting the dots

I recall being at home in my shabby apartment one evening, eating barbecued Spam. (And if you only know that word as another name for junk email, click here. In certain parts of Polynesia it’s considered a delicacy.) I thought to myself, “This sucks.” I remembered the interviews with the big-name companies where the recruiters told me they were looking for the top 10% of the class, the captain of the football team and the president of the fraternity – in other words, not me. I also thought back over the squandered opportunities to study longer, dig deeper and learn more. At the time, I didn’t see how excelling in the classroom would correlate to my standard of living so soon after graduation.

Cue the flashback

And I thought back to that afternoon late in my senior year. The college had posted the list of inductees into Phi Beta Kappa — the premier academic honor society —  and I didn’t make the cut. I don’t mind telling you, I wasn’t anywhere close. I knew this. At lunch, a fraternity brother a year behind me expressed surprise that I wasn’t on the list. I thought he was mocking me. He assured me he wasn’t. I laughed ruefully and we dropped it.

Later that afternoon I swung by to see my major adviser and told him the story. Offhandedly, I said how unlikely it would have been for me to receive such an honor. What he said has stuck with me ever since:

“You could have been Phi Beta Kappa. Why not? Your problem is not with your head; it’s with your (posterior). If you only knew how frustrating it is to read a better paper from you than any others I get and to know that you haven’t done the reading, the WORK. The only reason you aren’t Phi Beta Kappa is YOU.”

I was mortified and felt sick to my stomach. For one thing, I admired my professor a great deal (I still do) and wanted his approval. I didn’t expect such an endorsement of capability to come wrapped in such a thermonuclear truth-bomb. But alone, months later over my plate of spam, I saw that he was right. I had no plans to go to graduate school — and certainly no money for it — but I remember saying out loud, “If I ever go back to school, I’m going to work so hard…”

I guess I was praying after all

A short time later, my employer sent me to meet with a textile research institute to talk to them about our product line and the philosophy behind our approach. I had two names to ask for — the first was out of town, but the second one agreed to meet with me.

We spent two-and-a-half hours with him asking me questions and me answering them. As our meeting wound down, he asked where I had learned about textiles and textile processing. “On the job, ” I said. He asked if I had graduated college and what sort of grades I had made. I told the truth. To my surprise, he asked if I had ever thought about graduate school. I told him I had, but that I couldn’t afford it.

He told me that every student at the institute was there on a graduate fellowship that covered tuition, books and fees, and that the fellowship included a stipend. As a result the program was very competitive. He said based on our discussion that he wanted to encourage me to apply. If I’d do that, he said he could guarantee I’d be invited for an interview. And if I conducted myself in the interview the way I had in our meeting, he was over 90% sure I’d be accepted. It was a miracle.

How did it turn out?

I’ve gone on too long already, but to sum up: I did apply, I did get an interview and I did receive a fellowship. And yes I worked so hard. I was a much better student in graduate school than I was in college. And I had three offers from top-notch companies. You can learn from my experience. Do the work now. It will pay off.

So how about you? What steps are you taking now to work for your future? Add your comments below.

“Everybody hurts.”
-R.E.M.

Whether it is an injury or illness, getting passed over at work, a failed relationship or the loss of a loved one, each one of us will experience pain and hardship. The question for each of us then is: What will I do when it’s my turn? Here’s what I have found helpful:

You need a stable meta-narrative. These are just cookies!

Hang on

Quitting is seductive. It promises an end to the pain and the chance to start over. The difficulty with quitting is that it becomes habit-forming, so that one never learns the art of sticking with a thing to make it better. Remember, all the best stories are stories of redemption. And sometimes it’s your circumstances that you have to redeem.

When you feel like you’re on the anvil, wait a bit. Now is not the time to make rash decisions. A lot of passages in scripture begin with the words, “It came to pass,” not “It came to stay.” Yes, I’m stretching it a little, but your circumstances are not permanent.

Examine the parts and pieces

At times we appear to have been in the wrong place at the wrong time. Other times it seems we’ve made reservations for our trouble months in advance. Wisdom resides in knowing the difference. When you’re in the midst of a setback, make time to take the problem apart. Perhaps you’ve done everything as well as possible only to find yourself on the losing end. It’s worth knowing this so you avoid changing what is working. If, however, you can learn how you got into this particular situation — and how you can avoid it in the future — accept the lesson with humility and grace.

I want to add that you should keep this audit process short-lived and finite. Find the lesson, learn the lesson and drive on. No need to keep dwelling on it.

Seek wisdom

If you have a mentor (and if you don’t,  I encourage you again to get one) you’ll find it helpful to review the facts with him. This is not a gripe session. Instead, you want to get an outside opinion regarding your circumstances. If you’ve formed the right kind of relationship with your mentor, he’ll know he has your permission to be helpful (read: honest) rather than nice.

Look up

In times like these, your view of God is perhaps the most important thing about you. Do you regard God as a miser with a vindictive streak? Do you think your difficulties are his way of paying you out for your sins? Or do you think of God as your Heavenly Dad — who is shaping you into an increasingly accurate reflection of Himself through these difficult days? This is where I wrestle the most, but I find that the latter attitude places me in a better position to see God’s hand at work resolving my situation in ways that are remarkable and unexpected.

Grieve, but…

Loss is painful. The more important the relationship, the deeper the sorrow. The more fervent the hope, the greater the disappointment. When you lose something — or someone — precious, it is dishonest not to mourn. By that I mean, putting on a brave face and acting as though you don’t feel the loss is a lie you tell yourself. Find a time and a place to be alone and allow yourself the freedom to experience your feelings. If tears come, let them. Grieve, but do not despair. God is more concerned about what hurts you than even you are. He has also given us hope beyond our current troubles.

Prepare

I realize this sounds strange. How can I prepare for hardship without driving myself crazy? After all, there are thousands of things that can go wrong. That’s true. But we can practice resilience by maintaining perspective. We can also think strategically while refusing to borrow trouble. This consists of thinking through various scenarios and identifying the best possible response to each one, while at the same time refusing to worry about them. Sometimes knowing that you have a backup plan is enough to stop worry in its tracks.

It is part of the pride of man that he wants to control every aspect of his environment. Despite what we may say, most of us don’t like surprises. This is the allure of fortune tellers, astrology and other psycho-spiritual technologies. We want to learn to see around corners instead of trusting God. Ah, but this is where faith earns its living. We become resilient when we hold fast to the goodness of God and trust Him to order our days.

But what about the Big One?

As I write this, some friends are undergoing the most devastating of losses. Nothing prepared any of us for the circumstances and all of us are reeling from this awful news. But what is beautiful is the way the community is rallying around these dear friends, loving them, grieving with them, praying for them — even raising money to help them financially. So while no one could have predicted this tragedy, the people of God are joining hands and looking to Him for comfort.

Whatever your setback is, I hope you’ll find that same comfort in Him.

So how about you? How are you overcoming your current circumstances? Add your comment below.

*As I photographed the fortune cookies to illustrate this post, I broke one to try for a different look. Here’s what was inside:

“No great wisdom can be reached without sacrifice.” – C.S. Lewis from The Magician’s Nephew

In a recent post, we discussed the need to distinguish between data, information, knowledge, and wisdom. As it happens from time to time, I hit “Publish” only to find some additional notes on the subject — you could call this what I wish I’d said about wisdom, or what else I should have said about wisdom. You can send me your votes via email if you like.

Walk with the wise and go to the head of the class

So here’s the recap: there are more data — more facts — and more domains of knowledge than ever in history. In so many ways, this is a good thing. Just take medicine as one example. If you’re born prematurely,  diagnosed with a dread disease, or wounded in battle, there’s never been a better time to be alive. Survival rates for certain types of cancer, preemies, and combat wounded are increasing with increased knowledge.

Conversely, our expanded capabilities often enable us to drive faster than our moral headlights. Our technological prowess enables us to do amazing things but it also distracts us and dulls our impulse to ask whether those are things one ought to do.

Build a wall

If you lived in a flood prone area, you’d need to ensure that your property wouldn’t be inundated the next time the river rose. One way you could address this would be by creating a barrier between you and the potential flood. You see temporary walls made of sandbags for just such a purpose. If your moral faculties are in danger of being sundered because of the flood of new information, you can establish a levee for your mind. Here are a few ideas to get your started:

Go on a data diet – No more FOMO for you. Try to pre-screen and be more discerning about what you feed your mind and your spirit. Positive psychologists — yes, there really are such people — say that it’s a bad idea to watch TV news before going to bed. This is because their unofficial motto is, “If it bleeds, it leads.” Given that the entire point of television is to get you to watch and act on the sponsors’ ads, it’s no wonder it’s called television programming — you’re being groomed to respond to the sales pitches. Less really can be more.

Go to bed – You’ll integrate what’s important and eliminate what’s not if you build in adequate time for rest. In a future post, I’ll give you some of what I’ve learned from my years in the mattress industry about sleep and why you don’t just love it — you need it.

Start a news fast  – A famous evangelist once said a Christian should go through life with a Bible in one hand and a newspaper in the other.  He meant that we should be present in the world and attentive to the needs around us — hearing and doing what the word of God says. This was the antidote to the church’s being “so Heavenly minded that it’s no earthly good.”

I stand by that idea, but you have to recognize that journalists seem to get paid by the column inch (that is, by how many words they write). And many if not most present their opinions disguised as objective journalism. If you want to know what’s going on without having to slog through the sea of gray, skip straight to the opinion pages and read the editorials and op eds. You’ll get a summary of the major issues and hear the arguments for and against. Much easier to make up your own mind — and opinion presented as such isn’t pretending to be unbiased.

Use speed reading – I took a course many years ago, and I recommend the multi-pass approach to help you gain familiarity with a lot of material and then decide what’s worth the investment of your valuable time. The instructor taught us that each successive pass was like a different more of transportation. High-level skimming was akin to flying over the territory in a helicopter. The next, more detailed pass was like riding through town on a double-decker bus. The next level of engagement was like riding through on a bicycle, while the highest level of detailed reading was like walking

Defrag your mental hard drive – Develop the spiritual discipline of solitude and contemplation. Yes, many faith traditions teach meditation in one form or another, but this isn’t so much about emptying the mind, as it is about allowing it to be filled with the Right Stuff. Be still and quiet and process it all.

Develop a biblical worldview – We’ve discussed this before. Viewing the foundational questions of Creation, Fall, Redemption, and Restoration through the lens of Scripture will help you understand and evaluate how new knowledge rates according to a transcendent moral scale. Even better, you’ll be able to articulate for your children and your friends how and why you get there.

Cultivate friendships with wise people – It’s been a while since I last encouraged you to find a mentor. Find a mentor.

Understand that wisdom takes time — more like a lifetime — to acquire. It isn’t something you can download. As King Solomon taught, “He who walks with the wise will become wise.” Note that he didn’t say, “He who stands next to the wise in line at Starbucks will become wise.” It’s a transfer that takes place in the context of relationships.

If God has already placed you in proximity to wise people, understand that this is another way he is showing love to you. And if you are not hanging with wise people, ask God for new friends.

I believe that all truth is God’s property. Genuine Wisdom has to be true in order to be wisdom. Therefore Wisdom is God’s property — His to give to whomever He chooses. But God is generous and will give wisdom to anyone who asks.

So how about you? In what ways are you seeking wisdom? Add your comments below.

NOTE: I’m going to do my part to help lighten the information load. Starting this week, I’m revising my publishing schedule to one post per week. Of course, if events demand it, or if I feel inspired, I will reserve the right to post more frequently. In the meantime, please subscribe by providing your email address in the popup or at the top of the page, and I’ll send you a weekly recap every Saturday. I’m going to revise the email format to provide more opportunities to weigh in on more topics. Thanks for reading — please don’t stop.

“Faithful are the wounds of a friend;
    profuse are the kisses of an enemy.” – Proverbs 27:6 (ESV)

The story I’m about to tell you is true. While I am not particularly proud of certain aspects of this story, I think it has a happy enough ending, as well as a useful moral, so I’m willing to live with the discomfort. If you are a student or you are launching your working life, I hope my telling you this story will help you find the motivation to do your best work now.

When I graduated college back in the last century, it was late in May. When I received my diploma, I had not yet secured that all important J-O-B, despite interviews and even some call backs from some well-known companies still in business today. Through contacting friends of friends, I eventually landed an entry-level sales job with a textile machinery manufacturer in a nearby small city. It was more exciting than frightening — and even though I knew absolutely nothing about textile machinery, I had sold everything from Christmas cards to cogs to clothing while I was growing up. How hard could it be?

Want treasure later? Hit the books today.
(Photo by Glen Noble)

After college, the real education begins

Through the grapevine,  I knew that many of my classmates were working in the big city, and that their starting salaries were about 20% higher than mine. I didn’t care, because I had a degree, a job, a car (a ’69 VW Beetle with a fuel leak) and my own apartment. The first lessons were hard ones. “Real” life as an adult doesn’t operate by the rules that govern campus life, and the range of appropriate self-expression in the workplace is more narrow and well-defined. (I’m telling you this so you’ll have a clue when you get there.)

On top of the cultural lessons, there were the business lessons. Companies don’t simply “have” money. If they are selling products and services, they have some coming in, but if the amount coming in isn’t greater than the sum of expenses, they won’t be in business long. For this reason, a company can’t simply decide to pay its employees more, nor does a company always have the option of raising prices. Usually, a company’s best path out of trouble is to increase sales while reducing expenses. If the former doesn’t happen, people who aren’t the owners or related to the owners will find their hours curtailed or their positions eliminated to accomplish the latter. I have never forgotten this — and I want you to know and understand it.

Then there were the personal lessons. I had a vague idea about how the whole paying bills thing worked, so I dove into it headlong. I was never late on my student loans, my car payment, or my rent, but without a budget, I often found myself with month left over at the end of the money. Oh, and early on I didn’t understand that I was supposed to have the electricity switched over from the apartment complex to me, so I did come home from work one evening to find I had no power.

So, there I was — a single man in a small town with no friends nearby and nearly no experience in a tough industry.  The one grace of that first year was that my company expected me to be on the road making sales calls during the week. As long as I was doing that, I had food to supplement my meager groceries and I received mileage reimbursement to cover the wear and tear on the new car I bought. Still, it was tough.

Connecting the dots

I recall being at home in my shabby apartment one evening, eating barbecued Spam. (And if you only know that word as another name for junk email, click here. In certain parts of Polynesia it’s considered a delicacy.) I thought to myself, “This sucks.” I remembered the interviews with the big-name companies where the recruiters told me they were looking for the top 10% of the class, the captain of the football team and the president of the fraternity – in other words, not me. I also thought back over the squandered opportunities to study longer, dig deeper and learn more. At the time, I didn’t see how excelling in the classroom would correlate to my standard of living so soon after graduation.

Cue the flashback

And I thought back to that afternoon late in my senior year. The college had posted the list of inductees into Phi Beta Kappa — the premier academic honor society —  and I didn’t make the cut. I don’t mind telling you, I wasn’t anywhere close. I knew this. At lunch, a fraternity brother a year behind me expressed surprise that I wasn’t on the list. I thought he was mocking me. He assured me he wasn’t. I laughed ruefully and we dropped it.

Later that afternoon I swung by to see my major adviser and told him the story. Offhandedly, I said how unlikely it would have been for me to receive such an honor. What he said has stuck with me ever since:

“You could have been Phi Beta Kappa. Why not? Your problem is not with your head; it’s with your (posterior). If you only knew how frustrating it is to read a better paper from you than any others I get and to know that you haven’t done the reading, the WORK. The only reason you aren’t Phi Beta Kappa is YOU.”

I was mortified and felt sick to my stomach. For one thing, I admired my professor a great deal (I still do) and wanted his approval. I didn’t expect such an endorsement of capability to come wrapped in such a thermonuclear truth-bomb. But alone, months later over my plate of spam, I saw that he was right. I had no plans to go to graduate school — and certainly no money for it — but I remember saying out loud, “If I ever go back to school, I’m going to work so hard…”

I guess I was praying after all

A short time later, my employer sent me to meet with a textile research institute to talk to them about our product line and the philosophy behind our approach. I had two names to ask for — the first was out of town, but the second one agreed to meet with me.

We spent two-and-a-half hours with him asking me questions and me answering them. As our meeting wound down, he asked where I had learned about textiles and textile processing. “On the job, ” I said. He asked if I had graduated college and what sort of grades I had made. I told the truth. To my surprise, he asked if I had ever thought about graduate school. I told him I had, but that I couldn’t afford it.

He told me that every student at the institute was there on a graduate fellowship that covered tuition, books and fees, and that the fellowship included a stipend. As a result the program was very competitive. He said based on our discussion that he wanted to encourage me to apply. If I’d do that, he said he could guarantee I’d be invited for an interview. And if I conducted myself in the interview the way I had in our meeting, he was over 90% sure I’d be accepted. It was a miracle.

How did it turn out?

I’ve gone on too long already, but to sum up: I did apply, I did get an interview and I did receive a fellowship. And yes I worked so hard. I was a much better student in graduate school than I was in college. And I had three offers from top-notch companies. You can learn from my experience. Do the work now. It will pay off.

So how about you? What steps are you taking now to work for your future? Add your comments below.

“Tell me, and I may forget. Show me, and I may remember. Involve me, and I may understand.”
-Chinese Proverb

Fortunately for all of us, it appears we are seeing a dramatic decrease in the use of the term “Man up.” If only the spirit behind it would follow it down. As is true with a lot of other sayings, the intention is more important than the words themselves. Even so, I think that carelessness and overuse has turned what could have been a helpful admonition into a barbed whip.

Pucker up for the prince! (or not)

Consider the source

What about Dad?

Never teach a pig to sing…

Show, don’t tell

Says the man with the blog. I get the irony. But have you noticed that I use word pictures? I’m trying to illustrate the point instead of giving a checklist. In the same way, if someone you know is behaving in an unmanly fashion, model the correct behavior. As in the Chinese proverb above says, involve him and he may understand. This is so much better than empty rhetoric, but it takes the kind of commitment that is a mark of true friendship.

Change from the inside out

So how about you? How can you help the men you know become better men? Add your comments below.

“Grandchildren are the crown of the aged, and the glory of children is their fathers.”
-Proverbs 17:6

A question arises from time to time in the minds of young men: given the Biblical commandment to “Honor your father and mother,” does that requirement expire when one is out on his own? The answer may surprise you.

It’s a Boy!

It’s a two-parter

Since this is a commandment from God, it is part of the moral law that applies for all people, in all places, at all times. So the short answer is yes, we are to honor our fathers as long as we live.

However, since the primary way children honor their dads is through obedience, it can be confusing to shift gears and learn how to show honor while making one’s own decisions. The key, though, is respect. That’s your primary need as a man — and your dad is no different. So how can you show respect and honor to your dad as a grown man?

Involve him

As an adult, you are responsible for yourself and your choices. Even so, if  your dad is in your life, he’s keenly interested in how you’re doing. He knows you’re busy, but he wants to hear from you. The shift from supreme authority to coach is a challenge for Dad, too, but it’s worth it to work through it with him.

Ask him

As capable as you are, you’re bound to get stumped every once in a while. This is a great opportunity to ask your dad for counsel. Dads are the original mentors, so get his take on it — whether it’s job related, project focused or relationship oriented. If your dad is like mine, he’ll gladly share what he’s learned — from doing it right and from doing it wrong.

Listen to him

The west in the 21st century idolizes youth. That’s just a fact. Even so, you can honor your dad by listening to him. The most important principles are timeless, and you’ll honor Dad by setting aside time to hear his hard-won wisdom, as well as family history. Most people have lots of stories to tell — they’re just waiting for someone to ask.

Thank him

Everyone needs encouragement — that includes your father. For those gifts he gave you and those values he instilled in you, don’t be shy about blessing what went right and saying thank you.

A quick story: When my older son was a newborn, Dad came to visit for the afternoon. This visit allowed my dad to see me handle the rare baby hat trick — urine, poop and spit-up during a single diaper change. We both had a good laugh over that.

But after I got cleaned up and got my son settled for his nap, Dad and I stood in the doorway to the nursery — both looking at my son, his grandson, with a sense of wonder. I asked my father, “Did you feel about me the way I feel about him?” Dad looked at me, a little surprised, and said, “Did I? Son, I still do!” It brings tears to my eyes even now. Thanks, Dad.

Forgive him

Try as they might, fathers often fall short. The results range from a series of mild disappointments to full-on emotional trauma. Robert Bly refers to this as the Father Wound. Some of this comes from our disillusionment when our dads show themselves not to be the heroes we imagine them to be, but fallible men. Some of this comes from his own woundedness.

In our church we say, “Hurt people hurt people.” Wounded dads don’t come from nowhere. That realization can move you to a place where you can forgive your father for the ways he failed you — whether great or small. I know it’s a lot to ask, but I have seen extraordinary acts of forgiveness recently, and I can tell you it is possible. That is a decision each of us gets to take — or not.

A word to the fatherless

If your father wasn’t around — because of death, divorce, deployment, addiction or work — I want to tell you that my heart is with you. A father’s absence leaves a tremendous void in a boy’s life. Grandfathers, godfathers, uncles, scoutmasters and coaches sometimes step up to fill the gap, but not always. If that’s you, don’t despair.

When I completed my sons’ initiations, I explained to each of them that although I would always be their dad, God had been fathering them through me all this time. Even though I may have disappointed or wounded them, He would never fail them. I want to offer you that same counsel, that same encouragement.

Happy Father’s Day to you dads, and here’s to the fathers the rest of you can be!

So how about you? How do you plan to show honor to your dad this Father’s Day

“If I could turn back the hands of time…”
–Tyrone Davis

When I was a graduate student, we had several beloved instructors. These were men who had distinguished themselves in industry as well as in the applied sciences, and who devoted the last part of their careers to cultivating excellence in the generation behind them. Because the Institute was not a large place, we had the opportunity and the privilege of getting to know our instructors socially as well as academically. One of these sages was a most interesting man, Mr. F.

It’s late. No pressure!

One evening when we were away from campus on a field assignment, Mr. F. told several of us that he had discovered the secret of time travel. Of course we were skeptical — reasoning as we had been taught to question everything, but also to be on the alert for practical jokes. But Mr. F. insisted it was no joke — he had learned how to time travel and he wanted to teach us what he had learned.

Still waiting for the punch line, I asked him to tell us. What he said was not what I expected, but I have found it useful for gaining perspective, for solving “impossible” problems and for helping me to persevere.

Here is what Mr. F. said:

“Whenever I find that I’m in a tough spot, or I’m faced with an intractable problem, I find a quiet place. I sit down, I close my eyes, and I picture myself on the other side of that problem.” He wasn’t joking, and I’m not joking by telling you this.

Here’s why Mr. F. was onto something:

• You realize that the current problem isn’t the end of the line for you — Sometimes just the ability to see yourself as a survivor can help you find the will to press on. As Babe Ruth said, “It’s hard to beat somebody who never gives up.”
• You can look back and figure out how you solved the problem — This sounds crazy, but placing yourself beyond the current situation gives you a different angle on it. You’d be surprised how you can unleash your creativity by altering your point of view. This is similar to sleeping on a decision, but you can do it in far less time.
• You can reduce the stress associated with the problem, making your mind more agile. Stress distracts you. But if the stress is in the past, it doesn’t have that power any more.
• You can put the problem into perspective in relation to your career, your relationships or your finances. This keeps the problem from devouring your life and your hope. Having a fight with your wife or your parents, owing a large sum of money, losing a job or facing a looming deadline — all of these can look like an insurmountable wall in your path. Being able to see that these are episodes in a greater story can help you to avoid overreacting and doing or saying something you’ll regret later. Rashness doesn’t become a gentleman.

No technology on the horizon

For fans of H. G. Wells, Dr. Who, Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, Groundhog Day, About Time, or any of the hundreds of stories dealing with time machines or time travel, I’m sorry to disappoint you. There is no technology that will enable us to change the past. Trying to do that could lead to comedy injury. Stephen Hawking explains that if time travel were possible in the future, someone would have already returned to tell us.

YOLO. So?

It’s true: You only live once. But instead of using this as a justification for the pursuit of pleasure, why not use Mr. F.’s time travel technique to help you overcome your challenges? We each get the same 24 hours, the same seven days, the same twelve months, the same 365 days. You can get more out of yours if you’re not stalled by problems or immobilized by fear. Try it.

So how about you? How do you intend to use your one and only life? Add your comments below.

“Everybody hurts.”
-R.E.M.

Whether it is an injury or illness, getting passed over at work, a failed relationship or the loss of a loved one, each one of us will experience pain and hardship. The question for each of us then is: What will I do when it’s my turn? Here’s what I have found helpful:

You need a stable meta-narrative. These are just cookies!

Hang on

Quitting is seductive. It promises an end to the pain and the chance to start over. The difficulty with quitting is that it becomes habit-forming, so that one never learns the art of sticking with a thing to make it better. Remember, all the best stories are stories of redemption. And sometimes it’s your circumstances that you have to redeem.

When you feel like you’re on the anvil, wait a bit. Now is not the time to make rash decisions. A lot of passages in scripture begin with the words, “It came to pass,” not “It came to stay.” Yes, I’m stretching it a little, but your circumstances are not permanent.

Examine the parts and pieces

At times we appear to have been in the wrong place at the wrong time. Other times it seems we’ve made reservations for our trouble months in advance. Wisdom resides in knowing the difference. When you’re in the midst of a setback, make time to take the problem apart. Perhaps you’ve done everything as well as possible only to find yourself on the losing end. It’s worth knowing this so you avoid changing what is working. If, however, you can learn how you got into this particular situation — and how you can avoid it in the future — accept the lesson with humility and grace.

I want to add that you should keep this audit process short-lived and finite. Find the lesson, learn the lesson and drive on. No need to keep dwelling on it.

Seek wisdom

If you have a mentor (and if you don’t,  I encourage you again to get one) you’ll find it helpful to review the facts with him. This is not a gripe session. Instead, you want to get an outside opinion regarding your circumstances. If you’ve formed the right kind of relationship with your mentor, he’ll know he has your permission to be helpful (read: honest) rather than nice.

Look up

In times like these, your view of God is perhaps the most important thing about you. Do you regard God as a miser with a vindictive streak? Do you think your difficulties are his way of paying you out for your sins? Or do you think of God as your Heavenly Dad — who is shaping you into an increasingly accurate reflection of Himself through these difficult days? This is where I wrestle the most, but I find that the latter attitude places me in a better position to see God’s hand at work resolving my situation in ways that are remarkable and unexpected.

Grieve, but…

Loss is painful. The more important the relationship, the deeper the sorrow. The more fervent the hope, the greater the disappointment. When you lose something — or someone — precious, it is dishonest not to mourn. By that I mean, putting on a brave face and acting as though you don’t feel the loss is a lie you tell yourself. Find a time and a place to be alone and allow yourself the freedom to experience your feelings. If tears come, let them. Grieve, but do not despair. God is more concerned about what hurts you than even you are. He has also given us hope beyond our current troubles.

Prepare

I realize this sounds strange. How can I prepare for hardship without driving myself crazy? After all, there are thousands of things that can go wrong. That’s true. But we can practice resilience by maintaining perspective. We can also think strategically while refusing to borrow trouble. This consists of thinking through various scenarios and identifying the best possible response to each one, while at the same time refusing to worry about them. Sometimes knowing that you have a backup plan is enough to stop worry in its tracks.

It is part of the pride of man that he wants to control every aspect of his environment. Despite what we may say, most of us don’t like surprises. This is the allure of fortune tellers, astrology and other psycho-spiritual technologies. We want to learn to see around corners instead of trusting God. Ah, but this is where faith earns its living. We become resilient when we hold fast to the goodness of God and trust Him to order our days.

But what about the Big One?

As I write this, some friends are undergoing the most devastating of losses. Nothing prepared any of us for the circumstances and all of us are reeling from this awful news. But what is beautiful is the way the community is rallying around these dear friends, loving them, grieving with them, praying for them — even raising money to help them financially. So while no one could have predicted this tragedy, the people of God are joining hands and looking to Him for comfort.

Whatever your setback is, I hope you’ll find that same comfort in Him.

So how about you? How are you overcoming your current circumstances? Add your comment below.

*As I photographed the fortune cookies to illustrate this post, I broke one to try for a different look. Here’s what was inside: