The title of today’s post is a quotation attributed to American president Theodore Roosevelt.  The truth of this statement is so blinding, I am partly tempted to let it stand on its own.  If I did that, though, you might think I was being lazy.  So here goes.

Equal time for comparison

I am a believer in competition.  A good-natured rivalry can motivate you to elevate your performance in nearly any arena, and can help you stave off complacency.  This is why fitness trainers and management consultants alike recommend keeping records and charting your progress toward your goals.  Engaging a friend or two to pursue the same goal builds in even more accountability, and makes it more difficult to punt your workout.  All of this is beneficial, as it brings out the best in each of us.

The dark side

Where this goes sideways is when we begin looking at what people around us have while disparaging our own resources or circumstances.  We don’t feel that we are getting the reward we deserve while others — seen by us as less worthy — are getting far more than they deserve.  Sound familiar?

Why do we compare?

I think this unhealthy wish to measure ourselves against others is first a byproduct of living in a fallen world.  We are all fallible and deep down we know it.  We long for justice in the face of wrongdoing — just as long as we can escape our due punishment.  At the same time, we fear being exposed, so we seek to lessen the sting by identifying all those over whom we can claim superiority.

For most of us, this isn’t conscious behavior. If it were, I think it would be less common. Instead it exists from preschool play yards to corporate boardrooms. It seems to be latent animal behavior, akin to the pecking order among chickens, or establishing of dominance in a dog pack.  If you’re tempted to think that because we see this in the animal kingdom, that it’s a feature of our world, and not a bug, note that this observation doesn’t negate the fallenness of our world.  Besides, dogs drink from the toilet.

Even so, little boys compare to see whose is biggest, migrating to boasts about whose dad could beat whose, eventually escalating to the acquisition of temporary status symbols — car, career, condo, concubine — lather, rinse, repeat.  Social media just amplifies the effect. As Chuck Palahniuk wrote in Fight Club, “We buy things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people we don’t like.”

It seems to me that a man who has his question answered, who has his purpose figured out and is about his mission is less susceptible to seeking comfort by comparing himself to others.

It’s nobody’s business 

When I was thirteen, I wanted to buy a road bike.  Braswell’s Cycle Shop had a chestnut metallic Schwinn Varsity ten-speed.  It was beautiful, and cost far more than I had.  My grandfather owned an industrial supply company in our town, so I went to see him.  When I told him I wanted to buy a bicycle but I didn’t have the money, he asked me if I’d be willing to work for the company.

I agreed on the spot. Next, I went down the street to get a Social Security number and a work permit and showed up the next morning at 8:00. As an inventory clerk it was my job to count roller chain, sprockets, roofing sealant, and drill bits that were so fine I wonder if I could even see them now. This was my introduction to the 40-hour work week.

When payday came, my grandfather took me aside and, as he handed my check to me, he told me that what he paid me was between him and me — it was nobody else’s business. Likewise what he paid others in the company was between him and them — and that was none of my business. A few people asked what I was making, and I never told them.  And I have followed my grandfather’s advice ever since.

I enjoyed riding that bike — and wearing the clothes I was able to buy with money I had earned — and was untroubled by what others were getting.  I had my job and I had agreed to the rate of pay when I hired on.  So that was that.

But why is comparison a thief?

The simplest answer is that when you’re focused on something other than what is yours, you fail to appreciate it.  It’s like dancing with a pretty girl while looking over her shoulder for someone prettier.  I’ve seen men blow up their families because they failed to appreciate the treasure that was theirs.  This is that old “grass is greener on the other side of the fence.” Most of these men simply exchanged one set of problems for another set — most often at a higher cost.

Ultimately comparison robs us of contentment when we feel powerless to change our situation.  This is a close cousin to worry and its ugly sister, despair.  These are all forms of pride — the master sin.  Pride alleges that we know better than God what we need, rather than trusting Him for what we need in its time.  So how do we fix this?

Be thankful for what you got

Gratitude is the best place to begin.  Start by giving thanks for the most basic of your blessings and expand from there like ripples in a pond.  Thank God for your life, your health, your home, your relationships — even if they are far from ideal.  Don’t just halfheartedly lob your thanks in God’s general direction — make time to consciously sit in His presence and offer what the Bible calls a “sacrifice of praise.”  If it costs you nothing, it isn’t a sacrifice.

Choose hope

Recognize that with God’s help, all things are possible.  Hang your hat on that and don’t let your circumstances tell you otherwise.  Persevere and look to God to work the current suck into a great story of redemption.

Eyes on your own work

Marketers make their living exploiting the ones who’ve fallen into what Dr. David Chadwick calls “the snare to compare.” Unless you’re in the market for a new car and you have the money to buy one, you’re better off avoiding the ads and the lots.  Similarly, if you’re married, you’re far better off investing your attention to your wife than to other women — real or imagined.

As Romans 14:4 says, “A man stands or falls before his own master.” That’s the only measurement that counts.

So how about you? In what ways has comparison robbed you of joy? Add your comments below.

If the crass commercialization of the season has tempted you to hate Christmas like a certain Dr. Seuss character, I’d like to share with you a practice that has helped my family and me get back to the heart of Christmas.

I first heard Pastor Rick McKinley several years ago on a podcast, talking about an initiative he had started at the church he leads — Imago Dei Community in Portland, Oregon.  He called it “The Advent Conspiracy,” and it was designed to be an antidote to the consumerism that had overtaken the original message of Christmas.

Stated simply, The Advent Conspiracy consists of four ideas:

1. Worship fully
2. Spend less
3. Give more
4. Love all

Worship Fully

The true meaning of Christmas — the inescapable origin of the season — is the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ.  Where we’ve gone wrong is that we’ve allowed ourselves to become dull, relegating Jesus to the category of ancient history.

But what if we were to think about the significance of Jesus more deeply?  Consider that God made a perfect world and set humanity at the top of  the created order.  Not long after this, humanity rebelled and rejected God’s authority, bringing about God’s righteous judgment.  Sickness, death and every kind of heartache resulted from this betrayal on our part.

God could have scrapped the whole project, but since his very nature is love, He chose a people for Himself and made them a great nation.  He gave them His law to indicate they were His people, and he sent them prophets, leaders and teachers to communicate His will to them.  And when the time was right, this loving God took on human flesh — leaving the splendor of Heaven — and chose to be born into the world he created as a helpless baby.  The coming near of God and the establishment of His kingdom on earth — the hope for all humanity — is what we celebrate at Christmas.  This is why we worship for all we’re worth.

Spend Less

From the time our sons were babies, we’ve always had a budget for Christmas and stuck to it. Even so, since we’ve adopted the Advent Conspiracy, we’ve sought to spend less for gifts while increasing the value of each one.  Part of this is to designate ten percent of our Christmas budget to benevolence — that is, making it a point to do a kindness to those who have less.  Another part is to manage our expectations and intentionally limit the size of our Christmas budget.

Give more

It seems like an oxymoron to spend less and give more, but there is a way.  McKinley calls it giving presence, rather than presents.  With this idea, our gifts to family members and each other are more thoughtful and involve an experience more than an object.  For example, a few Christmases ago, my younger son gave me a deep-winter backpacking weekend.  What a splendid gift!  We shared a weekend of father-son time and made great memories.

The gift of presence is, more than anything, taking the time to give a gift that says, “I get you.  I know you.”  In this case, it really is the thought that counts.

Love All

In the same way God showed His love for the whole world in sending His son,  we look for ways to make Christmas — and life —  better for others.  Our church helps sponsor a Christmas Village Toy Store that sells new, donated toys at a steep discount to disadvantaged families so they can have the dignity of giving gifts to their own children.  The church also takes up a special Christmas Eve offering to help spread the Good News of Jesus around the world.  If you’re not affiliated with a church, you can contribute to the Salvation Army, or send Christmas cheer to kids via Operation Christmas Child.

The subtitle of the book The Advent Conspiracy is “Can Christmas Still Change The World?” I believe it can — and it starts with you and me.  A joyous Advent to you.

So how about you?  In what ways are you recovering the joy and meaning of Christmas? Add your comments below.

Note: I have taken a sabbatical from writing new posts to enable me to focus on family and work matters, but I am committed to keep this site up and running. Meanwhile, I read and respond to all comments and correspondence. I’ll resume regular publishing of new content in January.

You may or may not find yourself in the situations described by David Byrne & co., but if you’re in the US, it’s almost certain you will find yourself sitting down to a grand Thanksgiving dinner later this week. Grandmother and or Mom will break out the fine china and the silverware and in addition to showing your appreciation for all their hard work, you’ll want to show them you’re a gentleman. So today, let’s review table manners.

The main idea

Same as it ever was…

We’ve talked about this before, but the main idea regarding manners is to put the maximum number of people around you at ease. Even if you do something wrong, do not make a big deal of it. If it’s inescapable — for example if you burp loudly and unexpectedly — acknowledge it and apologize with the fewest words possible. Otherwise, don’t call attention to it. Likewise, don’t call attention to the faults of others.

If this is the main holiday meal, make it a point to show up groomed and dressed appropriately. Now, you’re at the table.

What are all these silverware pieces for?

So much of a man’s dining these days is uber-casual, so it can be baffling to sit down in front of what appears to be Aunt Tiffy’s utensil collection. Relax, you can handle this. First: remember the outside-in rule. The pieces in front of you are laid down so you can reach them in the order in which they’ll be used. Too complicated? If salad comes before the entree, your (smaller) salad fork is to the left of your (larger) dinner fork. Your soup or fruit spoon is to the right (outside) your coffee or dessert spoon. See? I told you you can do it.

The napkin

These things don’t require a user’s manual, but here’s the deal: Spread it across your lap the moment you sit down. If you get up during the meal and you’re coming back, leave it folded in your seat. If you’re not coming back, place it beside your plate (not ON the plate). Use your napkin to wipe food residue from your lips (including that Movember work of art) and or your fingertips. If you must cough or sneeze at the table, use it to cover your mouth. But for the love of Mike, do NOT blow your nose into your napkin. In fact, don’t blow your nose at the table. Excuse yourself from the table and go to the bathroom or another room to blow your nose.

Head, shoulders, knees, and toes

Keep all your body parts in their proper places. Sit up straight with your weight on your sit bones and your shoulders back and down. This way you’ll avoid looking like a blob or like you forgot to take the hanger out of your shirt before you put it on.

While the meal is underway, do not rest your elbows on the table — not even one elbow. Between courses, it’s permissible to let one or both hands rest on the table, and even an elbow during after-dinner conversation.

Traffic flow

If your family is like mine, the commencement of the big meal may occur later than you’re used to. In your hunger, the temptation will be to load your plate and devil take the hindmost. If you do this, dish after dish will accumulate at your place, while family members downstream from you will remain unfed. They will fume. This is not good. (Don’t ask me how I know this.) Make it a point to take or not take some of what comes to you, but be sure to pass it to the next person at the table.

Butter your plate, then your bread

If you’re suspending your low-carb eating plan for the meal or the day, here’s how to keep the butter pristine: Slice off what you need and place the pat of butter on your bread plate (at 10 o’clock above your forks) or on the edge of your dinner plate. From there, use your dinner knife to apply the butter to your bread. Break your bread — don’t take a bite out of it. Break off a bite at a time.

Conversation: Keep it Light

You may be a passionate supporter of The Donald. Or of Bernie. Or you may be a member of an anarcho-syndicalist commune. Whatever, dude. When you’re all together around the table, stick to topics that emphasize what you all share. You may be able to persuade Uncle Don to change his political inclination, but I doubt it. He’s a stubborn old guy. But even if he weren’t, the table is no place for an exorcism.

A few extra tips

Do:
Chew with your mouth closed
Express appreciation
Say,  “Please pass the _____,” rather than just reaching for it
Include everyone in the conversation — even the little ones

Don’t:
Talk with your mouth full
Take the last roll without asking
Use profanity or talk about sexual or excretory subjects at the table

Bonus tip: Offer to help clean up after dinner. You might even get nominated for sainthood.

So how about you? What essential should I have included? Add your comment below.

In a recent post, I explained why I’m skeptical of cryptocurrencies — even though I am optimistic about the potential for blockchain technology and its offshoots to create genuine value. This time, I’d like to provide a brief overview of the Bible’s teaching about money.

My pastor likes to explain that Jesus spoke more about money than he did about Heaven and Hell combined. If God came down in the flesh and told you how to regard money properly, you’d listen, right? Well He did. So in the spirit of news you can use, here are ten scriptural principles to help you view money the way God does:

• Money follows faithfulness – In the gospel of Matthew, Jesus wraps up the Sermon on the Mount by reminding his followers that God is a good Father who knows how to take care of His creation. He instructs us not to live and die by what we own, what we eat, or what we wear, instead He tells us to seek God’s kingdom and righteousness. Then, He says, all the things we need will follow (Matthew 6:33).
• Put God first – The Old Testament prophet Malachi chastised the people of God for keeping the finest of their produce for themselves while bringing God their leftovers. The principle and practice of the tithe — giving the first tenth of one’s increase to God — has always been an acid test of one’s faith and devotion. Malachi delivered God’s challenge to his people to test Him by bringing the full tenth and see whether He would, in return, bless them beyond their faithfulness. This challenge remains for us as well. Jesus commended the tithe in the New Testament, even as He corrected the Pharisees for their hard hearts.
• God is God — money is… not – Jesus taught that only God was worthy of our worship. Although we can use money in powerful ways, it has no power of its own. People can and do get confused about this, though. Jesus taught that a man can’t serve two masters, because He’ll end up loving one and hating the other. If money is the rival master, the one who loves it can end up hating God (Luke 16:13).
• It’s not wrong to be smart about money – Jesus told the parable of shrewd manager — a story about a soon-to-be-fired employee who offered to settle his friends’ debts at a discount. In doing this, he delivered a benefit to his soon-to-be-former boss, but he also earned the favor of his friends, and the admiration of Jesus. Look what Jesus said about this man’s  actions:
  The master commended the dishonest manager because he had acted shrewdly. For the people of this world are more shrewd in dealing with their own kind than are the people of the light. I tell you, use worldly wealth to gain friends for yourselves, so that when it is gone, you will be welcomed into eternal dwellings.” Luke 16:8-9 (NIV)
  
• Money is morally neutral – Money is neither good nor bad in itself. It’s simply a tool — an efficient means of exchange that one can use to accomplish good or evil ends. Ah, but what about that “money is the root of all evil” thing? Isn’t that in the Bible? No, it isn’t. What the Apostle Paul wrote is this: “For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.” – 1 Timothy 6:10 (NIV)
• Invest in the Kingdom of God – When he teaches on stewardship and giving, my pastor likes to quote the old saying, “You can’t take it with you.” But he adds, “You can send it ahead.” Jesus said we shouldn’t be as concerned about amassing a fortune here on earth. Instead He instructed us to “lay up treasures in Heaven.” He wouldn’t tell us to if were impossible.
  Here’s a thought on how that works: The Bible teaches that faith, hope, and love are the things that endure beyond the grave. Each of these has a relational element since each one must have an object. If so, it follows that we can use our worldly wealth to share faith, hope, and love with those who need them so desperately. In the passage from Luke above, Jesus essentially told His followers to use the resources of this world to take the maximum number of friends to Heaven with us.
• You’re meant to be generous, you know — I often quote King Solomon here. In Proverbs 16:19, the wise king says this: “Whoever is kind to the poor lends to the Lord, and he will reward them for what they have done.” Elsewhere, in chapter 3, he says, “Do not say to your neighbor, ‘Go, and come again, tomorrow I will give it’—when you have it with you.” And in 2 Corinthians 9, the Apostle Paul wrote, “The point is this: whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully. Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.” – 2 Corinthians 9:6-7 (ESV)
• Debt is OK only if you’re into being a slave — I realize some financial advisers will talk to you about what they call “good debt.” I’m here to tell you there is only debt and you should avoid it. Consider that Americans owe $830 Billion in credit card debt, and nearly $1.5 Trillion in student loan debt, and then consider that nobody can force you to take out a loan. But once you agree to their terms, your creditors can force you to pay — and at rates that can cripple you. When someone else is telling you what you must do with your own money, you aren’t free. Quoting King Solomon again: “The rich rule over the poor, and the borrower is slave to the lender.” Proverbs 22:7 (NIV). I’ve been there and done that, and I plan to live within my means from now on. If you’re among the millions who owe billions and trillions, check out Dave Ramsey. He’s helped lots of people change their habits and become debt-free.
  
• Prosperity and poverty aren’t measures of your status before God – Righteous people fall on hard times. Wicked people sometimes prosper. You’ll drive yourself mad trying to ferret out what you must have done wrong every time the stock market goes down. That’s a little like saying God is displeased when the tide goes out or the moon wanes. Jesus said, “For (God) makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.” – Matthew 5:45b (ESV) And we haven’t discussed the Old Testament stories of Joseph and Job, or all the hardships the Apostle Paul endured for the sake of the Gospel of Jesus. Try imprisoned, beaten, stoned, shipwrecked, slandered, and snake-bit as a sample — and then tell me he lacked faith or faithfulness to unleash God’s fountain of prosperity.
• It all belongs to God – God, as creator of the cosmos, is its sovereign ruler. As Dutch theologian and statesman Abraham Kuyper said, “There is not a square inch in the whole domain of our human existence over which Christ, who is Sovereign over all, does not cry, Mine!” That includes your wallet, dude — and mine. If I have money, assets, talents, or connections, I am to hold them as a steward, and use them profitably to honor and glorify God.

I like what the Methodists used to teach about money: earn all you can, save all you can, give all you can. That’s your takeaway from my post. A last thought from Luke 16. Jesus says,

“Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much. ¹¹ So if you have not been trustworthy in handling worldly wealth, who will trust you with true riches? ¹² And if you have not been trustworthy with someone else’s property, who will give you property of your own?” Luke 16: 10-11 (NIV).

So how about you? In what ways do you need to adjust your thinking about money? How can you use the resources you have to expand God’s kingdom? Add your comments below.

“Rain and storm and dark skies
Well now they don’t mean a thing
If you got a girl that loves you
And who wants to wear your ring
So c’mon mister trouble
We’ll make it through you somehow
We’ll fill this house with all the love
All that heaven will allow”
-Bruce Springsteen “All That Heaven Will Allow”

I have the privilege of attending a lot of wedding functions.  Many of my paying gigs are wedding receptions, and as a result I get to meet with brides and grooms and get to know them a little.   Sometimes I get to offer recommendations regarding the reception.  So far nobody has asked me what I recommend in the way of wedding vows, but if they did,  I would absolutely recommend the traditional vows as they appear in the Book of Common Prayer:

The priest is dead, the church burned down, the groom lost his hair, but they’re still in love and still married.

The Declaration of Consent

The Celebrant says to the woman

N., will you have this man to be your husband; to live
together in the covenant of marriage?  Will you love him,
comfort him, honor and keep him, in sickness and in health;
and, forsaking all others, be faithful to him as long as you
both shall live?

The Woman answers
I will.

The Celebrant says to the man

N., will you have this woman to be your wife; to live
together in the covenant of marriage?  Will you love her,
comfort her, honor and keep her, in sickness and in health;
and, forsaking all others, be faithful to her as long as you
both shall live?

The Man answers
I will.

 

The Marriage

The Man, facing the woman and taking her right hand in his, says

In the Name of God, I, N., take you, N., to be my wife, to
have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse,
for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to
cherish, until we are parted by death.  This is my solemn vow.

Then they loose their hands, and the Woman, still facing the man, takes
his right hand in hers, and says

In the Name of God, I, N., take you, N., to be my husband,
to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for
worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love
and to cherish, until we are parted by death.  This is my
solemn vow.

The loose their hands.

The Priest may ask God’s blessing on a ring or rings as follows

Bless, O Lord, this ring to be a sign of the vows by which
this man and this woman have bound themselves to each
other; through Jesus Christ our Lord.  Amen.

The giver places the ring on the ring-finger of the other’s hand and says

N., I give you this ring as a symbol of my vow, and with all
that I am, and all that I have, I honor you, in the Name of
the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit (or in the
Name of God).”

First things

Note first that these are vows — solemn promises made first to God, then to each other.  A covenant between the two of you and Almighty God is binding, so the words you speak are important.  I recommend that you and your fiancée study them carefully and mean them when you say them to each other.

Why old-school vows are the best

Did you think I forgot the purpose of this post?  Old-school wedding vows address eight important facets of what marriage is. Here’s my list — feel free to add your insights below:

• Consent

  • — This is a big topic these days.  Traditional vows ask the woman first if she indeed agrees to take her fiancé as her husband.  Then he gets to answer the same question regarding his intention to take her as his wife.

• Duties

  • – Each is to love, comfort, honor and keep the other.  He’s not getting a maid; she’s not getting a butler.

• Faithfulness

  • — Under Heaven, she is to be his highest priority, and he is to be hers.  God is joining you for His purposes and he means for you to remain devoted to each other.  No hall passes or elevator lists.  Nobody on the side.

• Personal

  • – Note the marriage begins with “I, George, take you, Martha, to be my wife.”  The speaking of each other’s names and the choosing of each other verbally is powerful.

• Intimate

  • – “To have and to hold” refers to the importance of the marriage bed over the course of your  life together.  Notice this phrase appears twice in a very short span of time.  It’s that important.

• Exclusive

  • – This is what “forsaking all others” means.  Husbands and wives are to look to each other for the deepest intimacy.  Nobody — not mom and dad, not the kids, not the pastor, not the boss, not former girlfriends, not current friends — is to come before the obligations to love and care for each other

• Forever

  • — “Until we are parted by death” or “As long as we both shall live,” as it is also sometimes said.  Please note: Some couples revise this to “As long as we both shall love.” Barf!  This is essentially saying “I promise until I no longer promise.”  If you can’t commit for life, perhaps you shouldn’t get married.

• No matter what

  • — Notice that the vows spell out the range of conditions a couple can experience — sickness and health; plenty and want; prosperity and adversity — and note that the expectation remains the same regardless of bank balance or blood pressure.

The big idea

If you believe that marriage is given as a sign of the relationship between Christ and the Church, the you can see that the love and devotion due one’s spouse is unconditional.

Someone once asked me, “If you could have all that Heaven is — but without God, would you take it?”  I answered that a Heaven without God would be Hell itself.  It’s a great question for clarifying our motives.

Traditional wedding vows are designed to get at a similar idea.  If health, money, looks, and all the fun dried up, would she be enough?  Would she think you’re enough?   Anything other than a firm yes here spells trouble.

When we perform for newlyweds, I nearly always tell them that marriage is hard work, but it’s worth it.  I stand by that.  If you and your beloved make solid vows and take them seriously, this will help you do the hard but worthwhile work of marriage.

So how about you? What sort of vows do you plan to use for your wedding and why?  Add your comments below.

“The glory of young men is their strength, but the splendor of old men is their grey hair.” – Proverbs 20:29

I said I wanted a photo portraying mentors!

In his book, “To Own a Dragon: Reflections on Growing Up Without a Father,” Don Miller compares the transfer of wisdom from older to younger men to the method pilots used to advise one another when flying across the Pacific Ocean.  Since there are great expanses of ocean with no land on which to build radar installations, pilots further along the route advised the pilots following them regarding weather and flying conditions.  This communication from their more senior colleagues was essential.

Mentoring is the relational equivalent of getting the radio call from a pilot further across the ocean than you are.

Why you need a mentor

Historically, fathers filled this primary role with support from grandfathers, uncles, godfathers, coaches, scoutmasters, Sunday school teachers — a whole network of resources that could help a young man find his way.  A lot of practical knowledge passed from older men to younger men regarding work, women, faith and friendship, and the number of men engaged in the process helped to curb the excesses of any one individual.

As you’ve no doubt seen, our atomized culture and unfavorable marriage trends have made these relationships harder to come by.  However, a mentor can help you overcome this lack by sharing the wisdom accumulated over a longer span of time than your life to date.

What About Dad?

Even if you have a great dad, you need a mentor. Your father’s guidance is valuable, but we tend to discount it – kind of like when your mom tells you you’re handsome. She’s supposed to think so, so it doesn’t mean as much.  Your mentor will make observations a family member won’t, but will also confirm the best of your upbringing.

How to get a mentor

This is not a combat mission or a one-time event.  Mentoring at its heart is relational, so you should seek to develop a friendship over time.  Even so, the most straightforward approach is best: ask.  Don’t hint around — be direct and ask for the help you need.

As a suggestion, find a healthy, doctrinally sound church that has a good balance of men and women attending, and I’ll bet there are men there who have been mentored and who would be willing to mentor you.    Note: Some churches have even organized mentoring programs to match young men with solid mentors.

What you should expect

Here are the top attributes you should look for in a prospective mentor:

• Commitment — You need a mentor who genuinely wants to help you become the best version of yourself.
• Boundaries — He’s not signing on to be a surrogate dad, and he needs to be a wise steward of his time — and yours. Pro tip: Meet in public at a coffee shop or restaurant and limit your meetings to about an hour.
• Discretion — Over time, your mentor should know you well enough and have sufficient judgment to ask tough questions and to call you on your B.S.  Those discussions should stay between you, though.
• Candor — about his own failures and lessons learned, but also about how he sees your situation.  You need someone in your life who will tell you the truth — and stick by you — when you’re behaving like a jackass.
• Prudence — Your mentor should exhibit wisdom in his behavior and demeanor, acting and speaking appropriately.  Note this, since a byproduct of mentoring is that over time you will become more like your mentor.

What your mentor should expect from you
Here’s what a good mentor is looking for from you:

• Punctuality — Show up on time.  The man is giving you a treasure.  Value it by showing appropriate respect for his time.
• Great questions — Most mentoring occurs as a dialog.  You may discuss a book you’re both reading, but come in with well-thought-out questions.
• A listening ear — If you want wisdom, you must listen carefully.  You may disagree, but don’t interrupt or argue.
• Honesty — A mentor who gets anything other than the truth from you is wasting his time.  Be completely truthful.
• Humility — You have much to learn, but now you have a guide.  Be thankful.

Just so you know, this is not an abstraction for me — I meet and check in with my mentor regularly.

So how about you?  Do you have a mentor?  What’s the best lesson you’ve learned from a mentor or as a mentor?  Add your comments below.

“Do you see a man skillful in his work? He will stand before kings; he will not stand before obscure men.
– Proverbs 22: 29 (ESV)

When I was a graduate student, the Institute had a series of guest lectures intended to enhance and broaden our thinking.  Attendance was mandatory.

I can’t recall all the topics, but they ranged from Creativity to Ethics to building a successful career.  It’s this last that I want to share with you.

This one goes up to 12! Crank up your career by learning from the ones who went before you.

Dr. Louis T. Rader held a doctorate in electrical engineering and was retired from General Electric.  Following his retirement from GE, he taught in the University of Virginia’s Darden School of Business.

His dress was conservative and his manner of speech was direct, and he had what military veterans would call command presence.  His no-nonsense demeanor and delivery, however, belied the wit that made his words to us that day so memorable.

He spoke to us for some time about his own experiences as a young manager and then he shared some principles for career success he called “Rader’s Rules.”  Here, to the best of my memory, is what he offered us:

1.  Never run out of money — it’s a quick way to lose confidence.

2.  There can be no compromise between a poor player and a great organization.

3.  Good calculus won’t cover poor math.

4. If you play games with people, people will play games with you.

5. The sum of all expenses must be less than the sum of all revenues.

6.  The man who goes to bed early to save the cost of a candle will wake up the father of twins.

7.  It’s hard to lead a large organization from a subordinate position.

8. As long as you remain in neutral, you can only go where you’re pushed.

9. You can’t sell the second if you can’t sell the first.

10. When the quarterback says go around left end, you go around left end.

11. Anybody off the street can run a business at a loss.

12. Statistics are for losers.

13. If you don’t get the facts, the facts will get you.

This is an incomplete listing, but I offer this as food for thought for you.  If you are in the early years of your career, or are seeking to begin it, there is great wisdom in these eight phrases.  So much wisdom, in fact, I continue to apply these axioms as I continue to navigate my career decades in.

Please note the theme of integrity that runs through these sayings.  Each of us owes it to himself and to his employer to view himself, the company where he works and his circumstances clearly.  As famed stage magician Teller says, “The biggest lie is the one you tell yourself.”

Note also the emphasis on getting the fundamentals down.  Your talent may get you into a meeting, but a weak handshake or a lack of eye contact may sink your chances.  Or to use another example, you may have gotten the order, but is it profitable?

My personal favorite is rule number 6.  Taking shortcuts or falling for the false economy invariably creates unintended consequences that cost more in the long run.

I hope these will stick with you the way they have with me.

So how about you?  What’s the best career advice you’ve received?  Add your comments below.

Note: A hat tip to Walter Curt, a former associate of Dr. Rader’s for providing some more of Rader’s Rules.

“Well begun is half done.” – Aristotle

Throughout my life, I’ve found that I begin new tasks with great gusto. This is a good thing, and I have learned to take advantage of my enthusiasm to create momentum that will help carry me through the eventual letdown. The particulars vary from project to project, but it’s usually the result of higher-than-expected costs, missing parts, or delays. When the slog hits, it’s critically important to have built in some incentives to help keep your motivation and to keep you on track.

Wisdom from the ancient world

I’ve always liked the quotation above from Aristotle. For most of my existence, I’ve taken it to mean that a strong start is a great advantage. This is just one of the axioms I refer to to help me overcome procrastination — to begin now — especially on those difficult or unpleasant chores. But there’s another way to interpret it: a strong beginning is only half the battle. You and I are bound to run into what is known as the “muddle in the middle.”

This is true of books, blog posts, product launches — and it’s also true of life.

Solomon sacrifices his lineage on the altar of an idol — Don’t be that guy

Enter King Solomon

Let’s look at King Solomon to illustrate what I mean. Frequent readers will know that I refer often to the biblical book of Proverbs — written primarily by Solomon, the son of King David, who succeeded his father on the throne of ancient Israel. As king, Solomon was unparalleled. He was wise and wealthy because God had blessed him from the beginning of his reign.

In addition to these gifts, God chose Solomon to build the temple in Jerusalem — the center of worship for God’s chosen people. And his body of work also included three books of the Bible — part of the Bible’s wisdom literature — Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, and the Song of Solomon. Clearly Solomon had an enviable collection of skills and used them to accomplish many good and enduring things.

It didn’t end well

However, as he grew comfortable in his achievements, apparently, Solomon became complacent. In the following passage from 1 Kings, Chapter 11, we see that Solomon squandered something essential:

King Solomon, however, loved many foreign women besides Pharaoh’s daughter—Moabites, Ammonites, Edomites, Sidonians and Hittites. They were from nations about which the Lord had told the Israelites, “You must not intermarry with them, because they will surely turn your hearts after their gods.” Nevertheless, Solomon held fast to them in love.  He had seven hundred wives of royal birth and three hundred concubines, and his wives led him astray. As Solomon grew old, his wives turned his heart after other gods, and his heart was not fully devoted to the Lord his God, as the heart of David his father had been. He followed Ashtoreth the goddess of the Sidonians, and Molek the detestable god of the Ammonites. So Solomon did evil in the eyes of the Lord; he did not follow the Lord completely, as David his father had done.

On a hill east of Jerusalem, Solomon built a high place for Chemosh the detestable god of Moab, and for Molek the detestable god of the Ammonites. He did the same for all his foreign wives, who burned incense and offered sacrifices to their gods.

The Lord became angry with Solomon because his heart had turned away from the Lord, the God of Israel, who had appeared to him twice. Although he had forbidden Solomon to follow other gods, Solomon did not keep the Lord’s command. So the Lord said to Solomon, “Since this is your attitude and you have not kept my covenant and my decrees, which I commanded you, I will most certainly tear the kingdom away from you and give it to one of your subordinates. Nevertheless, for the sake of David your father, I will not do it during your lifetime. I will tear it out of the hand of your son. Yet I will not tear the whole kingdom from him, but will give him one tribe for the sake of David my servant and for the sake of Jerusalem, which I have chosen.”

What went wrong?

Notice the telltale signs. Like his father before him, Solomon got his head turned because of his sexual appetite. Despite God’s direct instruction to the contrary, he amassed a harem of 1,000 women — most from the idol-worshiping folk Solomon’s ancestors had conquered to inhabit the land of promise.

As I wrote in an earlier two-part post titled, “When You Marry a Mountain Girl, You Marry the Mountain,” you’re going to adopt the ways of the people you spend time with — this is especially true of one’s spouse. This is another reason it’s better to marry someone with similar beliefs and values. Failure to do this results in what the Bible calls “being unequally yoked.” In agricultural terms unequally yoked animals couldn’t  plow straight, as the stronger animal would always pull the weaker in its direction. In Solomon’s case, his wandering eye resulted in a wandering heart that worshiped inert idols in place of the living God. This ultimately led to the destruction of the temple Solomon built, but also to the captivity of God’s people.

How to avoid foolishness and failure

The objective here is to be a faithful steward of the gift that is your life. This means you don’t want to peak in high school, and it also means you don’t want to put it in neutral once you hit 50, 60, 70, whatever. To finish your life strong and satisfied, here’s what I recommend:

Begin with the end in mind – The late Stephen Covey coined this phrase in his book, The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People.  Having a mission — a purpose with a desired outcome — in front of you is paramount. It’s a challenge to remain as motivated at the end of your shift as you are when you clock in, but having a mission makes it easier. Notice that Solomon’s resolve weakened as he got older.

Count the cost – The funniest and yet saddest episodes of the TV show “American Idol” are the ones featuring the deluded contestants who swear they can sing — the judges just aren’t being fair. If you want to be a professional musician, you have to put in the time in solitary practice. The 10,000-hour rule is no joke — and you can only spend those hours on one thing, not multiple things. This is the definition of opportunity cost. What are you willing to do without to achieve at your peak? It’s your life, so do be honest with yourself.

Stay connected to your power source – To be the best possible version of yourself you need to be working at the intersection of your Passion, Purpose, and Potential. This is a quest, and it is easier for some than for others, but the effort is worth it. God made you and He knows His plans for you. Get out your spiritual shovel and dig with your eyes open. Don’t get discouraged if you have to do some living before it snaps into focus. It’s all training if you’re legitimately seeking. And when you find it, you’ll have to pray, study and reflect — alone and with others —  to stay on track.

Stay fresh – I know I’ve said it before: You’re either green and growing or you’re ripe and rotting. Are you an expert? A virtuoso? Not yet? You still have those challenges in front of you. If you are an expert or a virtuoso, consider the challenge of teaching what you’ve learned to other people. There’s always more to learn, more to do — and if you’re not dead, you’re not done.

Get some rest – Take care of your body by exercising, eating right, drinking plenty of water, and getting enough sleep.

Get your mind right – The body goes where the head goes. Competitive divers learn this to enter the water with that minimal splash the judges reward. It’s the same in life. And we’ve talked about it before: thoughts lead to feelings; feelings lead to behaviors. If you’re not impaired, you can choose what to think about — good or bad.

But sometimes you’re vulnerable. Then what? As Dr. Charles Stanley advises, use the H.A.L.T. method to avoid giving in to the temptation to foolishness — whatever form that takes for you. Don’t do anything when you’re Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. Whether you’re tempted by an unlocked door, an unwholesome relationship, a bottle, a smoke, or a plate of fries, it’s much easier to resist when you recognize when and where your defenses are at their lowest, and you can see the larger goal beyond the moment.

Is it hopeless if I’ve wrecked it?

Not at all. If you live to tell the tale, you can still finish well. If you need a refresher on Grace and forgiveness or if the whole idea is new to you, you can read about it here. Your Father in Heaven made you, and He — with all His faithful ones — is cheering you on. You can be clean. You can be His. You can be faithful in fulfilling your mission and finish strong.

So how about you? What steps are you taking now to finish well. Encourage your brothers by declaring it below.

“Do you see a man skillful in his work? He will stand before kings; he will not stand before obscure men.”
– Proverbs 22:29 (ESV)

I’ve been a musician since my early teens — ever since I spent an entire summer harvesting tobacco –by hand! — to buy my first bass guitar and my first amp.  And while I was proud of myself for earning the money and owning the equipment, I was immediately confronted with the task of learning to play.  (Note: It is possible to own musical gear and not be able to play it.  These people are called collectors.)

One of the tools of the trade. But it’s only an object unless you learn to use it.

Although I started with lessons, I was prideful and thought all that music theory was boring, so I quit wasting Mom’s money and learned to play by ear.  That worked reasonably well until my mid 20’s, when I became aware that there were entire genres I could not play because I didn’t understand the rules.  Slowly, I began to come around to the belief that learning music theory would make me a better musician.

Not long after I began this process, PBS ran a series hosted by jazz great Wynton Marsalis.  Although I was not a huge fan of jazz at the time, I appreciated the way Marsalis explained music from a musician’s point of view.  My favorite episode was titled “Taming the Monster” and it was about the why and how of practice.  Wynton Marsalis laid out his rules for getting the most from time spent practicing.  He called them “Wynton’s Ways to Practice.”  What appears below is a transcription of my handwritten notes.*   I have found these useful not only for ordering my time in the woodshed, but also for living with greater effectiveness.

WYNTON’S WAYS TO PRACTICE

1. Seek out private instruction – the best you can afford.

2. Write out a practice schedule.  Cover all the fundamentals of your instrument.

3. Set realistic goals to chart your development.

4. Concentrate when practicing.

5. Relax.  Practice slowly.

6. Practice longer on things you can’t play – (the hard parts).

7. Play everything as if it’s important/difficult/interesting/serious – always play with maximum expression.

8. Don’t be too hard on yourself if you make a mistake.

9. Don’t show off.

10. Think for yourself.

11. Be optimistic.

12. Look for connections between your music and other things.

Whether or not you’re a musician, this is excellent advice.  Try to apply Wyntons’ Ways to Practice to your hobbies, your work, your fitness regimen and your spiritual life and let me know how it works for you.

So how about you?  In what area of your life can you use these techniques?  Add your comments below.

*Clearly, the credit belongs to Wynton Marsalis, even though my notes may contain direct quotations and paraphrased sections.

Men:  We have to talk about sex. If there’s one area where this generation is stuck, this is it.

The Water Was Dirty Before You Got In

Now, before you conclude that I’m pointing my finger at you, please realize that the Boomer cohort gave us the sexual revolution and rampant divorce, and the Gen X cohort was equally careless about sex and marriage.  But it’s even worse than that.  These are the guys who grew up to convince you that everyone but you was sexually active, to urge the women you know to emulate the worst of promiscuous men, and to offer you pornography pretty much anywhere and anytime — and all so they could separate you from your money.  If you want poor examples, the generations ahead of you are shot through with them.

Applying wisdom — that’s a horse of a different color!

So if you’re a typical American male, you were probably exposed to pornography somewhere around age ten.  But even if you didn’t see any sexually explicit magazines, videos or websites in your youth, you’ve been awash in a culture that has turned sex into a commodity devoid of any spiritual significance.  As a man who has spent much of his career in and around sales, I say it’s lazy to use sex to sell.  As bad as that is, it’s worse to be so checked out that you allow it to influence you.  There is a better way.

Meet King Solomon

In the Old Testament (that’s the first 39 books of the Bible), we meet a king named Solomon.  He was the son of King David and Bathsheba (there’s a story about the misuse of sex, right there).  When Solomon succeeded his father as the king of Israel, God told Solomon to ask him for anything.  In reply, Solomon asked for wisdom to govern God’s people.  This pleased God and he promised Solomon that no one would be wiser or more honored than he.

In addition to building the Temple in Jerusalem, Solomon reportedly had 1,000 wives and concubines.  (Here I should point out that just because the Bible describes something, it does not prescribe it.)  Solomon is also credited with several books of the Bible — Ecclesiastes, The Song of Solomon, and Proverbs.  And that brings us to the purpose of this post.

In Proverbs 5 Solomon writes this:

My son, be attentive to my wisdom;

incline your ear to my understanding,

that you may keep discretion,

and your lips may guard knowledge.

For the lips of a forbidden woman drip honey,

and her speech is smoother than oil,

but in the end she is bitter as wormwood,

sharp as a two-edged sword.

Her feet go down to death;

her steps follow the path to Sheol;

she does not ponder the path of life;

her ways wander, and she does not know it.

And now, O sons, listen to me,

and do not depart from the words of my mouth.

Keep your way far from her,

and do not go near the door of her house,

lest you give your honor to others

and your years to the merciless,

lest strangers take their fill of your strength,

and your labors go to the house of a foreigner,

and at the end of your life you groan,

when your flesh and body are consumed,

and you say, “How I hated discipline,

and my heart despised reproof!

I did not listen to the voice of my teachers

or incline my ear to my instructors.”

Be the Gatekeeper

What Difference Does It Make?

The Rest of The Story

It Isn’t Easy

So how about you?  How are you applying God’s wisdom to help you lead a chaste life?  Add your comments below.