The title of today’s post is a quotation attributed to American president Theodore Roosevelt.  The truth of this statement is so blinding, I am partly tempted to let it stand on its own.  If I did that, though, you might think I was being lazy.  So here goes.

Equal time for comparison

I am a believer in competition.  A good-natured rivalry can motivate you to elevate your performance in nearly any arena, and can help you stave off complacency.  This is why fitness trainers and management consultants alike recommend keeping records and charting your progress toward your goals.  Engaging a friend or two to pursue the same goal builds in even more accountability, and makes it more difficult to punt your workout.  All of this is beneficial, as it brings out the best in each of us.

The dark side

Where this goes sideways is when we begin looking at what people around us have while disparaging our own resources or circumstances.  We don’t feel that we are getting the reward we deserve while others — seen by us as less worthy — are getting far more than they deserve.  Sound familiar?

Why do we compare?

I think this unhealthy wish to measure ourselves against others is first a byproduct of living in a fallen world.  We are all fallible and deep down we know it.  We long for justice in the face of wrongdoing — just as long as we can escape our due punishment.  At the same time, we fear being exposed, so we seek to lessen the sting by identifying all those over whom we can claim superiority.

For most of us, this isn’t conscious behavior. If it were, I think it would be less common. Instead it exists from preschool play yards to corporate boardrooms. It seems to be latent animal behavior, akin to the pecking order among chickens, or establishing of dominance in a dog pack.  If you’re tempted to think that because we see this in the animal kingdom, that it’s a feature of our world, and not a bug, note that this observation doesn’t negate the fallenness of our world.  Besides, dogs drink from the toilet.

Even so, little boys compare to see whose is biggest, migrating to boasts about whose dad could beat whose, eventually escalating to the acquisition of temporary status symbols — car, career, condo, concubine — lather, rinse, repeat.  Social media just amplifies the effect. As Chuck Palahniuk wrote in Fight Club, “We buy things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people we don’t like.”

It seems to me that a man who has his question answered, who has his purpose figured out and is about his mission is less susceptible to seeking comfort by comparing himself to others.

It’s nobody’s business 

When I was thirteen, I wanted to buy a road bike.  Braswell’s Cycle Shop had a chestnut metallic Schwinn Varsity ten-speed.  It was beautiful, and cost far more than I had.  My grandfather owned an industrial supply company in our town, so I went to see him.  When I told him I wanted to buy a bicycle but I didn’t have the money, he asked me if I’d be willing to work for the company.

I agreed on the spot. Next, I went down the street to get a Social Security number and a work permit and showed up the next morning at 8:00. As an inventory clerk it was my job to count roller chain, sprockets, roofing sealant, and drill bits that were so fine I wonder if I could even see them now. This was my introduction to the 40-hour work week.

When payday came, my grandfather took me aside and, as he handed my check to me, he told me that what he paid me was between him and me — it was nobody else’s business. Likewise what he paid others in the company was between him and them — and that was none of my business. A few people asked what I was making, and I never told them.  And I have followed my grandfather’s advice ever since.

I enjoyed riding that bike — and wearing the clothes I was able to buy with money I had earned — and was untroubled by what others were getting.  I had my job and I had agreed to the rate of pay when I hired on.  So that was that.

But why is comparison a thief?

The simplest answer is that when you’re focused on something other than what is yours, you fail to appreciate it.  It’s like dancing with a pretty girl while looking over her shoulder for someone prettier.  I’ve seen men blow up their families because they failed to appreciate the treasure that was theirs.  This is that old “grass is greener on the other side of the fence.” Most of these men simply exchanged one set of problems for another set — most often at a higher cost.

Ultimately comparison robs us of contentment when we feel powerless to change our situation.  This is a close cousin to worry and its ugly sister, despair.  These are all forms of pride — the master sin.  Pride alleges that we know better than God what we need, rather than trusting Him for what we need in its time.  So how do we fix this?

Be thankful for what you got

Gratitude is the best place to begin.  Start by giving thanks for the most basic of your blessings and expand from there like ripples in a pond.  Thank God for your life, your health, your home, your relationships — even if they are far from ideal.  Don’t just halfheartedly lob your thanks in God’s general direction — make time to consciously sit in His presence and offer what the Bible calls a “sacrifice of praise.”  If it costs you nothing, it isn’t a sacrifice.

Choose hope

Recognize that with God’s help, all things are possible.  Hang your hat on that and don’t let your circumstances tell you otherwise.  Persevere and look to God to work the current suck into a great story of redemption.

Eyes on your own work

Marketers make their living exploiting the ones who’ve fallen into what Dr. David Chadwick calls “the snare to compare.” Unless you’re in the market for a new car and you have the money to buy one, you’re better off avoiding the ads and the lots.  Similarly, if you’re married, you’re far better off investing your attention to your wife than to other women — real or imagined.

As Romans 14:4 says, “A man stands or falls before his own master.” That’s the only measurement that counts.

So how about you? In what ways has comparison robbed you of joy? Add your comments below.

Mrs. Booth and I celebrated our wedding anniversary this week. I am profoundly thankful for the years we have had together, and I look forward to the years ahead. The institution of marriage has suffered multiple body blows over the past several decades — and the situation is so bad I hear some of you saying you never plan to marry. You may be called to lifelong singleness, but I doubt it. So whether or not you’re able to see yourself married in the future, here are some of the lessons I’ve learned over the past 30-plus years.

Marriage is hard work…

Dating and courtship are generally good things if one remembers that he is seeking a wife. As good as these methods may be, they provide incomplete data. Nothing prepares a couple for the reality of married life. It’s different when you’ve taken vows before God and witnesses to become one for the rest of your life. Critics scoff that it’s “just a piece of paper.” They are wrong. The weight of marriage strips away the prerogatives of consumerism — you can’t legitimately trade in a wife like a used car. And the work of marriage is to work beyond the infatuation of the early years into knowing and being known through every circumstance.

…But it’s worth it

I’d fail you if I lied and said every day was like a cotton-candy scented rainbow. But the challenges my wife and I have overcome together and the high points we’ve also shared have united us in ways I can’t adequately describe. Even when money is short or work is stressing me out, having an intimate ally is a great blessing. And if you have children, having a solid marriage provides them with significant advantages in terms of their spiritual, emotional and intellectual health. All this to say, you can choose this and work toward it, and it will pay off for generations.

Marriage teaches you

Futurist George Gilder said marriage’s function was to civilize men. I don’t agree completely. I have learned over the years that marriage is, as my pastor says, the graduate school of service. If a man is to love his wife as Christ loves the church, there is a great pot of selfishness that has to die. Interestingly, that selfishness can’t die until it gets exposed. That happens in episodes over time.

If you had asked me on my wedding day if I thought I was selfish, I would have said no. I know better now, but I am still learning.

You will be tested

The old-school wedding vows exist for a reason. Our ancestors understood that our mortal condition was going to need some help. This is because hard times will come — maybe more than once. While you’re young and attraction is strong, it’s useful to have a reminder that you promised to hold on through tough times.

In our case, the first trial showed up just before our first anniversary in the form of a serious health diagnosis. It was not my finest hour as a husband. We worked through it largely because we are the sort not to enter into vows lightly. Thanks be to God!

And you will be tested

In a couple of previous posts, I have written about the husband’s role as spiritual head — as the leader — of his family. Going all the way back to the fall of man in the Garden of Eden, we see that one consequence of our fallen condition is that wives will tend toward dominating their husbands. Men who go along with this tendency rather than lovingly leading their wives can expect to see a loss in respect and attraction on the part of their wives. Understand that the tests a wife throws your way are her way of making sure she has chosen — and still has — the best of men. Leading helps her remember.

There is no magic number

A former colleague brought me to this realization when he explained that he and his wife got divorced after 20 years. “How?” I wondered,”Why?” I couldn’t understand how after all that time they could decide they could no longer stand being married to each other. He said they simply grew apart.

I still find that answer unsatisfying, but it galvanized my view that there is no point in your marriage when you can begin to coast or take your wife for granted. As the man, strive always to be your best. This means getting and staying fit, dressing well for your body type, and maintaining your intellectual and spiritual health as well. Continue to grow and you’ll remain interesting. This will help to maintain her attraction to you. And this will motivate her toward all kinds of good things.

It also means you Have a Plan and a mission, and that you invite your wife to join you in your quest. A quiet evening at home can be great for your marriage. Don’t just come home and flop on the couch by default. Have adventures together. Continue to initiate and to pursue her — in and out of the bedroom.

People say passion fades. I disagree.

Your mileage may vary

I have been married to one — and only one — woman, so understand that what my wife likes may or may not be the same as what your wife likes. Getting to know his own wife is a man’s greatest joy. It takes time, but that’s a good thing because you stay married a day at a time — and you’re aiming for a lifetime.

Likewise, measure what I or any man offers in the way of marriage advice against God’s word and use your God-given sense. I am aware that there are pitfalls in and around marriage — and I have been far from perfect as a husband. Still, I cannot imagine my life any other way, and I thank God again for blessing me with such a wife.

So how about you? How do you plan to build a strong and durable marriage? What lessons have you learned? Add your comments below.

You may or may not find yourself in the situations described by David Byrne & co., but if you’re in the US, it’s almost certain you will find yourself sitting down to a grand Thanksgiving dinner later this week. Grandmother and or Mom will break out the fine china and the silverware and in addition to showing your appreciation for all their hard work, you’ll want to show them you’re a gentleman. So today, let’s review table manners.

The main idea

Same as it ever was…

We’ve talked about this before, but the main idea regarding manners is to put the maximum number of people around you at ease. Even if you do something wrong, do not make a big deal of it. If it’s inescapable — for example if you burp loudly and unexpectedly — acknowledge it and apologize with the fewest words possible. Otherwise, don’t call attention to it. Likewise, don’t call attention to the faults of others.

If this is the main holiday meal, make it a point to show up groomed and dressed appropriately. Now, you’re at the table.

What are all these silverware pieces for?

So much of a man’s dining these days is uber-casual, so it can be baffling to sit down in front of what appears to be Aunt Tiffy’s utensil collection. Relax, you can handle this. First: remember the outside-in rule. The pieces in front of you are laid down so you can reach them in the order in which they’ll be used. Too complicated? If salad comes before the entree, your (smaller) salad fork is to the left of your (larger) dinner fork. Your soup or fruit spoon is to the right (outside) your coffee or dessert spoon. See? I told you you can do it.

The napkin

These things don’t require a user’s manual, but here’s the deal: Spread it across your lap the moment you sit down. If you get up during the meal and you’re coming back, leave it folded in your seat. If you’re not coming back, place it beside your plate (not ON the plate). Use your napkin to wipe food residue from your lips (including that Movember work of art) and or your fingertips. If you must cough or sneeze at the table, use it to cover your mouth. But for the love of Mike, do NOT blow your nose into your napkin. In fact, don’t blow your nose at the table. Excuse yourself from the table and go to the bathroom or another room to blow your nose.

Head, shoulders, knees, and toes

Keep all your body parts in their proper places. Sit up straight with your weight on your sit bones and your shoulders back and down. This way you’ll avoid looking like a blob or like you forgot to take the hanger out of your shirt before you put it on.

While the meal is underway, do not rest your elbows on the table — not even one elbow. Between courses, it’s permissible to let one or both hands rest on the table, and even an elbow during after-dinner conversation.

Traffic flow

If your family is like mine, the commencement of the big meal may occur later than you’re used to. In your hunger, the temptation will be to load your plate and devil take the hindmost. If you do this, dish after dish will accumulate at your place, while family members downstream from you will remain unfed. They will fume. This is not good. (Don’t ask me how I know this.) Make it a point to take or not take some of what comes to you, but be sure to pass it to the next person at the table.

Butter your plate, then your bread

If you’re suspending your low-carb eating plan for the meal or the day, here’s how to keep the butter pristine: Slice off what you need and place the pat of butter on your bread plate (at 10 o’clock above your forks) or on the edge of your dinner plate. From there, use your dinner knife to apply the butter to your bread. Break your bread — don’t take a bite out of it. Break off a bite at a time.

Conversation: Keep it Light

You may be a passionate supporter of The Donald. Or of Bernie. Or you may be a member of an anarcho-syndicalist commune. Whatever, dude. When you’re all together around the table, stick to topics that emphasize what you all share. You may be able to persuade Uncle Don to change his political inclination, but I doubt it. He’s a stubborn old guy. But even if he weren’t, the table is no place for an exorcism.

A few extra tips

Do:
Chew with your mouth closed
Express appreciation
Say,  “Please pass the _____,” rather than just reaching for it
Include everyone in the conversation — even the little ones

Don’t:
Talk with your mouth full
Take the last roll without asking
Use profanity or talk about sexual or excretory subjects at the table

Bonus tip: Offer to help clean up after dinner. You might even get nominated for sainthood.

So how about you? What essential should I have included? Add your comment below.

“Thank you, the phrase, ‘the greatest thing since sliced bread,’ for making me seriously wonder who’s in charge of deciding what the greatest thing is.” – Jimmy Fallon

I’m sure you received a lot of nice gifts for Christmas this year.  If you want to stand out as a man — to be the best version of yourself possible — take the time to sit down and write thank you notes to the ones who gave you those gifts.  Not only is expressing gratitude the right thing to do, sending thank you notes displays genuine old-school manners — the kind a gentleman should always show.

Take note! There will be a test later

So how about you?  In what ways do you intend to become a better note writer in the coming year?  Add your comments below.

“Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints.” – Psalm 116:15 (ESV)

As I have written, we lost my mother-in-law, Carolyn, in early October following a tragic accident on a Florida bridge. Because her husband, Jack, was still in critical condition, we decided to postpone Carolyn’s funeral until Jack had recovered sufficiently to be able to attend.

There is beauty all around us, even as we grieve. Give thanks!

We held the funeral on Saturday, November 11, at Jack and Carolyn’s parish in northern Florida, and it was beautiful —  joyous and solemn at the same time. As part of the service, my sister-in-law, Jane Hinson Wald, delivered the following remarks, and I asked her permission to share them with you here in their entirety. Enter Jane:

It’s difficult to convey in a few brief minutes our mother’s depth of character and personality. But that’s probably not even necessary, because no matter in what way each of us has known her, she was always and everywhere the very same Carolyn.

Mother loved the times when her family – any part of it or all of it – could get together even as we are here and now. These times were full of love and fun and, often, quite a bit of silliness. But these gatherings didn’t just happen. Oh, no. Carolyn planned, cooked, and choreographed so each occasion was the best it could be for every one of us. To get ready for these events, she made lists. The lists might begin days ahead or weeks or even months ahead. She went through all her preparations with energy and creativity, sometimes a little over-extended, but always with the ultimate goal front and center: the comfort and pleasure of those she loved.

Don’t think she didn’t make lists for today.

Last Sunday, on the Feast of All Saints, the readings included a list of eight promises, the beatitudes from the gospel of Matthew. I used to think of each one directed toward a different individual or group so that Jesus could offer assurance to followers who grappled with various flaws and exhibited various gifts. But in that moment, I heard only a list summarizing our mother’s life.

Blessed are the humble in spirit, those who mourn, the meek, those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, the merciful, the pure in heart, the peacemakers, those who suffer for righteousness’ sake.

Now that we’re making a list, there are a few more things to enumerate.

Carolyn was fun and spirited. Our mother had an innate sense of playfulness that knew no generation, and a sense of humor that indulged a healthy dose of irony. Perhaps this had something to do with being the only girl in a family with six brothers. Most endearing were her ability to laugh at herself and her pleasure in letting a story or situation run to its hilarious and improbable end. She told stories on herself – such as the time she was racing down the road, late for work, when another driver caught her attention to tell her that our family cat was hanging on for dear life to the roof of the car; or the time she searched hours and hours for the shoes that were on her feet.

Carolyn had a lively mind, vibrant curiosity, and ever-present eagerness to know more. She read constantly, especially biography, theology, current events and civic affairs. Jack has said that she knew the definition of every word they came across. It’s true. She had an enthusiasm for words, the power of words, and for “grammatical correctness.” All of this had a lot to do with her sense of humor.

Carolyn was patriotic. She cared deeply about her country and what it stood for. She had her own youthful rebellion against New Deal politics and was very clear about the importance of the Constitution and Bill of Rights and all that flowed from those founding documents. In fact, she hung framed copies of them in the family of her house where they remain to this day. My brother remembers that more than 50 years ago, Mother subscribed to the Congressional Record and there were stacks of them around the house. It’s hard to imagine, in this day of TV and internet news, wading through issues of the Congressional Record. More recently, her self-appointed duty was to carry her country’s flag down the driveway from the house in Starke to the flagpole near the road.

Carolyn was beautiful, inside and out. As a child, I used to think of our Mother as looking a bit like a movie star. Elizabeth Taylor came to mind, but that probably had more to do with the 1960s hairdo than their actual features. (And there was something about my Dad’s eyebrows that reminded me of Gregory Peck — but what kid doesn’t want to have movie stars as her parents?). Of course, it was her inner beauty that made her true outer beauty shine. Her warmth, gentleness, patience, and kindness made an immediate first impression, which only deepened on further acquaintance, which she generally turned into friendship.

Carolyn was loving and nurturing. In her more than six decades as a wife, mother, and grandmother, she created a loving and stimulating home and a beautiful and nourishing environment. Music and art and books were everywhere in her home. Her love of music and art was infectious and all of her descendants caught this bug. After years of attending concerts and performances, she eventually took up performance herself by joining church choir and civic chorus. Mother had an eye for color and design. She created a home – a house she kept for visits of children and grandchildren after moving to Starke with her beloved Jack — a home that was visually arresting. Wandering through her home, the eye falls on all kinds of photographs, prints, and objects that had some meaning and memory in them for her and for those she loved — a place she filled with little gifts for contemplation, resting spots for the soul.

Our mother was clever, industrious, and resourceful. She was an accomplished seamstress who decorated herself, her children, and her house with her own hands. Just weeks before her youngest child was born, she was out on the carport refinishing an armoire for her new baby’s things. She had an engineering kind of mind that allowed her to fashion conveniences out of bits and pieces of other things. Just last night, we were trying to figure out the purpose of her creations that involved a throw pillow, oddly placed loops of cording, and elastic bands. One of us predicted that we’d be discovering some of her contraptions, or “booby-traps” for some time to come.

As a mother, she always available, always listened, always helped, always created memorable moments for each individual in her life. Something as small making a birthday cake in the shape of a pumpkin (I was born the day after Halloween) to the big productions of weddings, reunions and holidays.

But lest you get the idea that she was too sweet, you need to know that Carolyn was also resilient and determined. She met numerous physical challenges head-on and willed herself into recovery with a determination to keep active and able. She made herself overcome doubts about things she didn’t like to do. For example, she didn’t like to fly, but when my daughter was born, our father called her a “miracle baby” because Mother got on a plane to come take care of her grandchild. Mother took her sense of adventure on the road, for many years driving by herself up and down the east coast and over to Tennessee to visit her children and grandchildren and family. And then she and Jack, who shared and expanded her sense of adventure, did that very thing together.

Carolyn was faithful. Her faith, her love for the Lord, was the bedrock of her being, the center of her own self. Our Mother was on a lifelong journey to grow closer to God. So much so that she learned Greek so she could read scriptures in original language, taught Bible classes, and mentored others on the same journey. She instilled this same dedication to seeking after truth in her children and, to her credit, it’s a characteristic of every one of her grandchildren.

Carolyn was and is ageless. The wisdom she earned through her years of life experience was offset by an outlook and inner sense of self that embraced a youthful inner sense of self. She admitted that she thought of herself as a twenty-something, with all the optimism and possibility that goes with a youthful spirit. Her self-awareness of her inner life corresponded to a sense and promise of eternal life. Especially in these last five years with her beloved husband Jack Lakes, it seemed that the things important to her deepened, and the things that were not easily fell away. She became a distillation of all those wonderful qualities we recognize in her, a more pure version of herself.

Blessed are the humble in spirit, those who mourn, the meek, those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, the merciful, the pure in heart, the peacemakers, those who suffer for righteousness’ sake.

Which of these doesn’t describe Carolyn Scobey Hinson Lakes? The list of blessings promised to her are that she has been comforted, inherited the earth, been filled with righteousness and obtained mercy. She’s been named a child of God and has gained the kingdom of heaven. Even now, she sees God face to face.”

Since we in the US are celebrating Thanksgiving this week, I’m sharing these thoughts with you with deep gratitude to God for the blessings of this life — especially for my wife and the family that made her who she is. Although we miss Carolyn and we will continue to, we are giving thanks in all things, and rejoicing that we will be together again.

So how about you? For what are you giving thanks in this season? Add your comments below.

“He who finds a wife finds a good thing
    and obtains favor from the Lord.” – Proverbs 18:22 (ESV)

Mrs. Booth and I celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary this week. I am profoundly thankful for the years we have had together, and I look forward to the years ahead. The institution of marriage has suffered multiple body blows over the past several decades — and the situation is so bad I hear some of you saying you never plan to marry. You may be called to lifelong singleness, but I doubt it. So whether or not you’re able to see yourself married in the future, here are some of the lessons I’ve learned over the past 30 years.

Established 1985

Marriage is hard work…

Dating and courtship are generally good things if one remembers that he is seeking a wife. As good as these methods may be, they provide incomplete data. Nothing prepares a couple for the reality of married life. It’s different when you’ve taken vows before God and witnesses to become one for the rest of your life. Critics scoff that it’s “just a piece of paper.” They are wrong. The weight of marriage strips away the prerogatives of consumerism — you can’t legitimately trade in a wife like a used car. And the work of marriage is to work beyond the infatuation of the early years into knowing and being known through every circumstance.

…But it’s worth it

I’d fail you if I lied and said every day was like a cotton-candy scented rainbow. But the challenges my wife and I have overcome together and the high points we’ve also shared have united us in ways I can’t adequately describe. Even when money is short or work is stressing me out, having an intimate ally is a great blessing. And if you have children, having a solid marriage provides them with significant advantages in terms of their spiritual, emotional and intellectual health. All this to say, you can choose this and work toward it, and it will pay off for generations.

Marriage teaches you

Futurist George Gilder said marriage’s function was to civilize men. I don’t agree completely. I have learned over the years that marriage is, as my pastor says, the graduate school of service. If a man is to love his wife as Christ loves the church, there is a great pot of selfishness that has to die. Interestingly, that selfishness can’t die until it gets exposed. That happens in episodes over time.

If you had asked me on my wedding day if I thought I was selfish, I would have said no. I know better now, but I am still learning.

You will be tested

The old-school wedding vows exist for a reason. Our ancestors understood that our mortal condition was going to need some help. This is because hard times will come — maybe more than once. While you’re young and attraction is strong, it’s useful to have a reminder that you promised to hold on through tough times.

In our case, the first trial showed up just before our first anniversary in the form of a serious health diagnosis. It was not my finest hour as a husband. We worked through it largely because we are the sort not to enter into vows lightly. Thanks be to God!

And you will be tested

In a couple of previous posts, I have written about the husband’s role as spiritual head — as the leader — of his family. Going all the way back to the fall of man in the Garden of Eden, we see that one consequence of our fallen condition is that wives will tend toward dominating their husbands. Men who go along with this tendency rather than lovingly leading their wives can expect to see a loss in respect and attraction on the part of their wives. Understand that the tests a wife throws your way are her way of making sure she has chosen — and still has — the best of men. Leading helps her remember.

There is no magic number

A former colleague brought me to this realization when he explained that he and his wife got divorced after 20 years. “How?” I wondered,”Why?” I couldn’t understand how after all that time they could decide they could no longer stand being married to each other. He said they simply grew apart.

I still find that answer unsatisfying, but it galvanized my view that there is no point in your marriage when you can begin to coast or take your wife for granted. As the man, strive always to be your best. This means getting and staying fit, dressing well for your body type, and maintaining your intellectual and spiritual health as well. Continue to grow and you’ll remain interesting. This will help to maintain her attraction to you. And this will motivate her toward all kinds of good things.

It also means you Have a Plan and a mission, and that you invite your wife to join you in your quest. A quiet evening at home can be great for your marriage. Don’t just come home and flop on the couch by default. Have adventures together. Continue to initiate and to pursue her — in and out of the bedroom.

People say passion fades. I disagree.

Your mileage may vary

I have been married to one — and only one — woman, so understand that what my wife likes may or may not be the same as what your wife likes. Getting to know his own wife is a man’s greatest joy. It takes time, but that’s a good thing because you stay married a day at a time — and you’re aiming for a lifetime.

Likewise, measure what I or any man offers in the way of marriage advice against God’s word and use your God-given sense. I am aware that there are pitfalls in and around marriage — and I have been far from perfect as a husband. Still, I cannot imagine my life any other way, and I thank God again for blessing me with such a wife.

It’s worth it

So how about you? How do you plan to build a strong and durable marriage? What lessons have you learned? Add your comments below.

P.S. In honor of 31 years, I want to add a few extra thoughts here:

1. You stay married a day at a time — that’s how you make the years count.
2. You’ll never know how good it can be if you don’t stick it out through the tough times.
3. Make your marriage the most important relationship in the house. Kids are supposed to grow up and leave. If you haven’t made your marriage central, your kids will move out and your household will lose its reason for being. This is not good.
4. Becoming grandparents opens up whole new reservoirs of delight.
   

   Update: It’s still worth it!

“I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought; and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder.”- G.K. Chesterton

I absolutely love the point he is making here — namely, everything is amazing and nobody is happy. We’re surrounded by marvels, and we look at them through a telescope backwards – making them seem more remote. It shouldn’t be that way.

Count your blessings

A frank assessment

Have you suffered a blow to the head?

Here’s my list

• Health – I thank God for the health I have. About ten years ago I injured my back body surfing. Since then I’ve avoided surgery while getting stronger and more flexible. There are certain sports I have to avoid from now on, but I am thankful for all I can do.
• Family – I thank God for the family I have. For the values and resilience I learned, for the love I’ve received, and for the challenges I’ve overcome, I give thanks.
• Work – I thank God for the education, skills and experience I’ve acquired through the course of my life — and for the opportunity to use them to provide for my family — I give thanks.
• Leisure – I thank God for the instruments and the talent He has entrusted to me, and for the time He has given me to devote to making music.
• A Platform – I thank God for the ability and the will He has given me to communicate these thoughts to you, and I give Him thanks for those of you who take the time to read and to respond.
• Church – I thank God for the joy of being part of a healthy, well-balanced church, and for the opportunity to participate in its leadership. I thank Him for the freedom to proclaim and to serve and to make a difference in our community and in other countries.
• Technology – I thank God for the ingenuity that has improved and extended our lives. Fairly often, I read about a new invention or learn about a new medical treatment and I think, “What a time to be alive!” From iPhones to cures for certain types of cancer, there is no better time than now for human flourishing.
• The Future – I thank God that in my worst circumstances, He gets the last word. No matter how dire the diagnosis, how uncertain the market, or how hostile the ruling regime, I can trust my Heavenly Father to work every circumstance out for my good and His glory.

Even when it’s hard

One more thought

So how about you? In the midst of your challenges and frustrations, what are the aspects of your life for which you can thank God? Add your comments below.

Happy Thanksgiving! 

“Thank you, the phrase, ‘the greatest thing since sliced bread,’ for making me seriously wonder who’s in charge of deciding what the greatest thing is.” – Jimmy Fallon

I’m sure you received a lot of nice gifts for Christmas this year.  If you want to stand out as a man — to be the best version of yourself possible — take the time to sit down and write thank you notes to the ones who gave you those gifts.  Not only is expressing gratitude the right thing to do, sending thank you notes displays genuine old-school manners — the kind a gentleman should always show.

Take note! There will be a test later

So how about you?  In what ways do you intend to become a better note writer in the coming year?  Add your comments below.

“He who finds a wife finds a good thing
    and obtains favor from the Lord.” – Proverbs 18:22 (ESV)

Mrs. Booth and I celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary this week. I am profoundly thankful for the years we have had together, and I look forward to the years ahead. The institution of marriage has suffered multiple body blows over the past several decades — and the situation is so bad I hear some of you saying you never plan to marry. You may be called to lifelong singleness, but I doubt it. So whether or not you’re able to see yourself married in the future, here are some of the lessons I’ve learned over the past 30 years.

Established 1985

Marriage is hard work…

Dating and courtship are generally good things if one remembers that he is seeking a wife. As good as these methods may be, they provide incomplete data. Nothing prepares a couple for the reality of married life. It’s different when you’ve taken vows before God and witnesses to become one for the rest of your life. Critics scoff that it’s “just a piece of paper.” They are wrong. The weight of marriage strips away the prerogatives of consumerism — you can’t legitimately trade in a wife like a used car. And the work of marriage is to work beyond the infatuation of the early years into knowing and being known through every circumstance.

…But it’s worth it

I’d fail you if I lied and said every day was like a cotton-candy scented rainbow. But the challenges my wife and I have overcome together and the high points we’ve also shared have united us in ways I can’t adequately describe. Even when money is short or work is stressing me out, having an intimate ally is a great blessing. And if you have children, having a solid marriage provides them with significant advantages in terms of their spiritual, emotional and intellectual health. All this to say, you can choose this and work toward it, and it will pay off for generations.

Marriage teaches you

Futurist George Gilder said marriage’s function was to civilize men. I don’t agree completely. I have learned over the years that marriage is, as my pastor says, the graduate school of service. If a man is to love his wife as Christ loves the church, there is a great pot of selfishness that has to die. Interestingly, that selfishness can’t die until it gets exposed. That happens in episodes over time.

If you had asked me on my wedding day if I thought I was selfish, I would have said no. I know better now, but I am still learning.

You will be tested

The old-school wedding vows exist for a reason. Our ancestors understood that our mortal condition was going to need some help. This is because hard times will come — maybe more than once. While you’re young and attraction is strong, it’s useful to have a reminder that you promised to hold on through tough times.

In our case, the first trial showed up just before our first anniversary in the form of a serious health diagnosis. It was not my finest hour as a husband. We worked through it largely because we are the sort not to enter into vows lightly. Thanks be to God!

And you will be tested

In a couple of previous posts, I have written about the husband’s role as spiritual head — as the leader — of his family. Going all the way back to the fall of man in the Garden of Eden, we see that one consequence of our fallen condition is that wives will tend toward dominating their husbands. Men who go along with this tendency rather than lovingly leading their wives can expect to see a loss in respect and attraction on the part of their wives. Understand that the tests a wife throws your way are her way of making sure she has chosen — and still has — the best of men. Leading helps her remember.

There is no magic number

A former colleague brought me to this realization when he explained that he and his wife got divorced after 20 years. “How?” I wondered,”Why?” I couldn’t understand how after all that time they could decide they could no longer stand being married to each other. He said they simply grew apart.

I still find that answer unsatisfying, but it galvanized my view that there is no point in your marriage when you can begin to coast or take your wife for granted. As the man, strive always to be your best. This means getting and staying fit, dressing well for your body type, and maintaining your intellectual and spiritual health as well. Continue to grow and you’ll remain interesting. This will help to maintain her attraction to you. And this will motivate her toward all kinds of good things.

It also means you Have a Plan and a mission, and that you invite your wife to join you in your quest. A quiet evening at home can be great for your marriage. Don’t just come home and flop on the couch by default. Have adventures together. Continue to initiate and to pursue her — in and out of the bedroom.

People say passion fades. I disagree.

Your mileage may vary

I have been married to one — and only one — woman, so understand that what my wife likes may or may not be the same as what your wife likes. Getting to know his own wife is a man’s greatest joy. It takes time, but that’s a good thing because you stay married a day at a time — and you’re aiming for a lifetime.

Likewise, measure what I or any man offers in the way of marriage advice against God’s word and use your God-given sense. I am aware that there are pitfalls in and around marriage — and I have been far from perfect as a husband. Still, I cannot imagine my life any other way, and I thank God again for blessing me with such a wife.

It’s worth it

So how about you? How do you plan to build a strong and durable marriage? What lessons have you learned? Add your comments below.

“I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought; and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder.”- G.K. Chesterton

I absolutely love the point he is making here — namely, everything is amazing and nobody is happy. We’re surrounded by marvels, and we look at them through a telescope backwards – making them seem more remote. It shouldn’t be that way.

Count your blessings

A frank assessment

Have you suffered a blow to the head?

Here’s my list

• Health – I thank God for the health I have. About ten years ago I injured my back body surfing. Since then I’ve avoided surgery while getting stronger and more flexible. There are certain sports I have to avoid from now on, but I am thankful for all I can do.
• Family – I thank God for the family I have. For the values and resilience I learned, for the love I’ve received, and for the challenges I’ve overcome, I give thanks.
• Work – I thank God for the education, skills and experience I’ve acquired through the course of my life — and for the opportunity to use them to provide for my family — I give thanks.
• Leisure – I thank God for the instruments and the talent He has entrusted to me, and for the time He has given me to devote to making music.
• A Platform – I thank God for the ability and the will He has given me to communicate these thoughts to you, and I give Him thanks for those of you who take the time to read and to respond.
• Church – I thank God for the joy of being part of a healthy, well-balanced church, and for the opportunity to participate in its leadership. I thank Him for the freedom to proclaim and to serve and to make a difference in our community and in other countries.
• Technology – I thank God for the ingenuity that has improved and extended our lives. Fairly often, I read about a new invention or learn about a new medical treatment and I think, “What a time to be alive!” From iPhones to cures for certain types of cancer, there is no better time than now for human flourishing.
• The Future – I thank God that in my worst circumstances, He gets the last word. No matter how dire the diagnosis, how uncertain the market, or how hostile the ruling regime, I can trust my Heavenly Father to work every circumstance out for my good and His glory.

Even when it’s hard

One more thought

So how about you? In the midst of your challenges and frustrations, what are the aspects of your life for which you can thank God? Add your comments below.

Happy Thanksgiving!