“Well begun is half done.” – Aristotle

Throughout my life, I’ve found that I begin new tasks with great gusto. This is a good thing, and I have learned to take advantage of my enthusiasm to create momentum that will help carry me through the eventual letdown. The particulars vary from project to project, but it’s usually the result of higher-than-expected costs, missing parts, or delays. When the slog hits, it’s critically important to have built in some incentives to help keep your motivation and to keep you on track.

Wisdom from the ancient world

I’ve always liked the quotation above from Aristotle. For most of my existence, I’ve taken it to mean that a strong start is a great advantage. This is just one of the axioms I refer to to help me overcome procrastination — to begin now — especially on those difficult or unpleasant chores. But there’s another way to interpret it: a strong beginning is only half the battle. You and I are bound to run into what is known as the “muddle in the middle.”

This is true of books, blog posts, product launches — and it’s also true of life.

Solomon sacrifices his lineage on the altar of an idol — Don’t be that guy

Enter King Solomon

Let’s look at King Solomon to illustrate what I mean. Frequent readers will know that I refer often to the biblical book of Proverbs — written primarily by Solomon, the son of King David, who succeeded his father on the throne of ancient Israel. As king, Solomon was unparalleled. He was wise and wealthy because God had blessed him from the beginning of his reign.

In addition to these gifts, God chose Solomon to build the temple in Jerusalem — the center of worship for God’s chosen people. And his body of work also included three books of the Bible — part of the Bible’s wisdom literature — Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, and the Song of Solomon. Clearly Solomon had an enviable collection of skills and used them to accomplish many good and enduring things.

It didn’t end well

However, as he grew comfortable in his achievements, apparently, Solomon became complacent. In the following passage from 1 Kings, Chapter 11, we see that Solomon squandered something essential:

King Solomon, however, loved many foreign women besides Pharaoh’s daughter—Moabites, Ammonites, Edomites, Sidonians and Hittites. They were from nations about which the Lord had told the Israelites, “You must not intermarry with them, because they will surely turn your hearts after their gods.” Nevertheless, Solomon held fast to them in love.  He had seven hundred wives of royal birth and three hundred concubines, and his wives led him astray. As Solomon grew old, his wives turned his heart after other gods, and his heart was not fully devoted to the Lord his God, as the heart of David his father had been. He followed Ashtoreth the goddess of the Sidonians, and Molek the detestable god of the Ammonites. So Solomon did evil in the eyes of the Lord; he did not follow the Lord completely, as David his father had done.

On a hill east of Jerusalem, Solomon built a high place for Chemosh the detestable god of Moab, and for Molek the detestable god of the Ammonites. He did the same for all his foreign wives, who burned incense and offered sacrifices to their gods.

The Lord became angry with Solomon because his heart had turned away from the Lord, the God of Israel, who had appeared to him twice. Although he had forbidden Solomon to follow other gods, Solomon did not keep the Lord’s command. So the Lord said to Solomon, “Since this is your attitude and you have not kept my covenant and my decrees, which I commanded you, I will most certainly tear the kingdom away from you and give it to one of your subordinates. Nevertheless, for the sake of David your father, I will not do it during your lifetime. I will tear it out of the hand of your son. Yet I will not tear the whole kingdom from him, but will give him one tribe for the sake of David my servant and for the sake of Jerusalem, which I have chosen.”

What went wrong?

Notice the telltale signs. Like his father before him, Solomon got his head turned because of his sexual appetite. Despite God’s direct instruction to the contrary, he amassed a harem of 1,000 women — most from the idol-worshiping folk Solomon’s ancestors had conquered to inhabit the land of promise.

As I wrote in an earlier two-part post titled, “When You Marry a Mountain Girl, You Marry the Mountain,” you’re going to adopt the ways of the people you spend time with — this is especially true of one’s spouse. This is another reason it’s better to marry someone with similar beliefs and values. Failure to do this results in what the Bible calls “being unequally yoked.” In agricultural terms unequally yoked animals couldn’t  plow straight, as the stronger animal would always pull the weaker in its direction. In Solomon’s case, his wandering eye resulted in a wandering heart that worshiped inert idols in place of the living God. This ultimately led to the destruction of the temple Solomon built, but also to the captivity of God’s people.

How to avoid foolishness and failure

The objective here is to be a faithful steward of the gift that is your life. This means you don’t want to peak in high school, and it also means you don’t want to put it in neutral once you hit 50, 60, 70, whatever. To finish your life strong and satisfied, here’s what I recommend:

Begin with the end in mind – The late Stephen Covey coined this phrase in his book, The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People.  Having a mission — a purpose with a desired outcome — in front of you is paramount. It’s a challenge to remain as motivated at the end of your shift as you are when you clock in, but having a mission makes it easier. Notice that Solomon’s resolve weakened as he got older.

Count the cost – The funniest and yet saddest episodes of the TV show “American Idol” are the ones featuring the deluded contestants who swear they can sing — the judges just aren’t being fair. If you want to be a professional musician, you have to put in the time in solitary practice. The 10,000-hour rule is no joke — and you can only spend those hours on one thing, not multiple things. This is the definition of opportunity cost. What are you willing to do without to achieve at your peak? It’s your life, so do be honest with yourself.

Stay connected to your power source – To be the best possible version of yourself you need to be working at the intersection of your Passion, Purpose, and Potential. This is a quest, and it is easier for some than for others, but the effort is worth it. God made you and He knows His plans for you. Get out your spiritual shovel and dig with your eyes open. Don’t get discouraged if you have to do some living before it snaps into focus. It’s all training if you’re legitimately seeking. And when you find it, you’ll have to pray, study and reflect — alone and with others —  to stay on track.

Stay fresh – I know I’ve said it before: You’re either green and growing or you’re ripe and rotting. Are you an expert? A virtuoso? Not yet? You still have those challenges in front of you. If you are an expert or a virtuoso, consider the challenge of teaching what you’ve learned to other people. There’s always more to learn, more to do — and if you’re not dead, you’re not done.

Get some rest – Take care of your body by exercising, eating right, drinking plenty of water, and getting enough sleep.

Get your mind right – The body goes where the head goes. Competitive divers learn this to enter the water with that minimal splash the judges reward. It’s the same in life. And we’ve talked about it before: thoughts lead to feelings; feelings lead to behaviors. If you’re not impaired, you can choose what to think about — good or bad.

But sometimes you’re vulnerable. Then what? As Dr. Charles Stanley advises, use the H.A.L.T. method to avoid giving in to the temptation to foolishness — whatever form that takes for you. Don’t do anything when you’re Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. Whether you’re tempted by an unlocked door, an unwholesome relationship, a bottle, a smoke, or a plate of fries, it’s much easier to resist when you recognize when and where your defenses are at their lowest, and you can see the larger goal beyond the moment.

Is it hopeless if I’ve wrecked it?

Not at all. If you live to tell the tale, you can still finish well. If you need a refresher on Grace and forgiveness or if the whole idea is new to you, you can read about it here. Your Father in Heaven made you, and He — with all His faithful ones — is cheering you on. You can be clean. You can be His. You can be faithful in fulfilling your mission and finish strong.

So how about you? What steps are you taking now to finish well. Encourage your brothers by declaring it below.

“There is a me you would not recognize…” – Over the Rhine from Latter Days

In my previous post on identity, I warned against the rise of the impostor, also known as the false self. If you’re like me and most of the men I’ve met, you have either overcome the false self, or you are living the life of the false self.

What is this False Self you speak of?

Different teachers have called it different names — the False Self, the Impostor, the Poser — but it’s all the same thing. A wounded man — and let’s face it, we’re all wounded to some degree — seeks to cover his vulnerability by building on his natural abilities. He seeks out opportunities to excel where his giftedness won’t betray him, and avoids environments where he fears he might be exposed. It’s a way of rigging the game, of stacking his schedule with less-than-challenging opponents.

The result can be quite convincing for a while. Casual acquaintances may never catch on. But inside the man is miserable and increasingly angry — and unfortunately, he spreads his misery to his wife and children. I know, because I lived it.

My False Self – a not-very-cool origin story

I’ve written and spoken before of how I was named for my paternal grandfather and how he taught me so many good things. As I child, I idolized him. There was nothing he couldn’t do. I wanted to be like him, and his approval was everything.

There is a me you would not recognize…

After my parents separated when I was ten, we moved back to my parents’ hometown — an hour away from my dad. My grandfather became that much more important to me, in his influence and proximity. I spent many Saturdays at his elbow, working in the yard, repairing things around the house — learning a lot of the very useful things men learned from their fathers and grandfathers.

On many of these occasions, my grandfather would send me to his shop or his storage shed to bring a tool, a fastener, or some other needed part to him. He would explain what it looked like, and where to look for it. He would always ask if I understood. If I said I didn’t, we’d go through it again. Most of the time, I found the item and brought it back straightaway. Other times I’d get distracted and come back without it. Sometimes it wouldn’t be where he said it would be. But sometimes, I lied and said I knew what he was talking about so he’d think well of me.

On one of those latter occasions, I returned without the thing he sent me to get. Exasperated, he look at me disgustedly and said, “You haven’t got the sense God gave a goose.” I didn’t cry. I didn’t complain. But I was devastated. In some ways that one remark was a greater wound than the one dealt by the death of my parents’ marriage. This was because I knew that my parents’ impending divorce was not my doing. Even though it was like a wildfire wrapped in a tornado in an earthquake, I knew it wasn’t my fault. By contrast, my grandfather’s disapproval and his harsh words — directed at me  — delivered a blow to my heart.

As a result, I became the competent one. I was going to have an answer — the answer — and I was never going to be unprepared or feel that humiliated again. I threw myself into striving. I sought approval everywhere. School was easy, and it provided ready feedback. I’ve always been good with words, so verbal jousting and bantering was an easy way to establish my place in the pack. I was active in scouting, so again it was  easy to tick off requirements and earn badges. Ultimately, the false self made me an addict — and approval was my drug of choice.

Years later, when I became a follower of Jesus, I concealed the pain that had shaped me. I was able to pick up the dialect and the false self let me hide in the context of the church. I appeared to be a capable leader

I was nearly 40 years old by the time I understood what had happened and why I was trapped in a prison of rules (conformity), approval — and my “favorite,” the fear of failure. looking back it is easy to see. But I was young at the time and badly hurt. And the ones who should have helped me overcome this woundedness to help me see my true identity on the other side of this — were the two men who wounded me.

Ultimately, my story had a happy ending, as I admitted to God and myself that I was damaged, and He began healing me. Part of the way my pain was redeemed was the process of masculine initiation I undertook with each of my sons. Part of it was committing to honoring the vows I made to my wife. Part of it was realizing that my grandfather and my father were wounded themselves and forgiving them. And part of it is in writing this blog to help those of you with a similar story find the joy and freedom of your true identity.

Those gifts you’re leaning on are good gifts. Your mistake is thinking they define who you are. They were meant to emanate from your identity, not take its place.

The Unbearable Lightness of Being

When you live according to external appearances — and you stake your identity on what you have and or what you do, you are falling into the trap of ontological lightness. It sounds paradoxical to say that the way through pain is to admit how bad it hurts, but I know it to be true because that is the path I took. Even though my healing came over 15 years ago, there are still times when I am tempted to fall back on the false self, the all-capable one. Then I remember.

As I hope you see, living according to the false self  is exhausting. You can never let down your guard or else someone — the dreaded and ubiquitous “they” — will see you’re a poser. It’s like the doofus on the beach trying to appear more muscular by sucking in his gut. Eventually, he has to let it out. Based on my experience, it’s better to surrender your mask than to have it stripped from you. And that is what God, our Father, wants to do for you, His sons.

I am healed and I am free, and I want you to have the same freedom to live from your redeemed heart. If I can do it, you know it can be done.

So how about you? In what ways have you grown tired of the false self? You can add your comments below (anonymously, if you’d like).

“The unexamined life is not worth living.” – Socrates

In my original post on this topic, I explained Robert Ardrey’s idea that our psychological and emotional needs center on Identity, Stimulation, and Security. In my previous post on Identity we discussed that identity emanates from essence, from existence. It is rooted primarily in the unchangeable attributes that accompany us into the world and throughout our lives. We also established that our deeds do not establish our identity so much as they reveal it. But even then, they do so imperfectly.

It isn’t “out there” — it’s in here.

But if I don’t discover my identity from what I do, why do anything?

As in exercise, your muscles won’t grow if you merely lie around thinking about working out. You have to get off the couch and hit the gym, the box, the bike, the dojo. You will never develop the strength and skill you desire without purposeful action.

Similarly, if you are an artist or an entrepreneur, you must commit to the mastery of your craft and you must paint, compose, perform, or launch — even while you are learning. Entrepreneurs commit to a cycle of “launch and iterate,” trying and refining, and always learning. You have heard me say before that “You’re either green and growing, or you’re ripe and rotting.” I stand by that. And I’m still learning and growing myself. If you’re reading this, I expect you’re interested in learning and growing, too.

Sometimes you have to get moving without a clear picture of who you are. But I submit to you that the ideal is to move out of a sense of your identity and calling, instead of doing as a way to discover who you are. The categories are not entirely black and white, but in my next post I’ll illustrate why action must emanate from identity.

Now let’s talk about some ways you can help strengthen your sense of identity.

What are your assets?

What traits do you possess that provide clues to your identity? What do you know of your ancestry — good and bad? What victories and wounds are in your past? What have you learned to this point? What are you learning, and from whom? Is it easy or hard for you to learn? In what domains? What is your ethnicity, and what does that reveal about you? What is your master passion — that is, what makes your heart come alive?

Understand that these are clues that will help you assess who you are and who you’re meant to be under Heaven.

Where do you fit?

Rick Warren’s book, The Purpose Driven Church discusses a method he and his church devised called “Discovering your SHAPE for Ministry.” It’s an acrostic that encourages each of us to discover his role in the body by considering five attributes: Spiritual gifts, Heart, Aptitude(s), Personality, and Experience/Education. The church uses these assays to help its members find ways to serve that fit their God-given purpose.

When you know who you are, and what you’re good at, it reveals your purpose in your immediate context. This is true in the church and also in life. But even if it leaves you restless, that can be fuel that propels you toward the ultimate fulfillment of your destiny. You have to be looking for it, though. I doubt that caterpillars have any idea their destiny is to become butterflies, but if they don’t fulfill the mission of being caterpillars, they won’t realize their amazing potential.

As I’ve written before about building on strengths instead of correcting weaknesses — if you’re built to be a defensive back, you’re wasting everyone’s time trying to play offensive tackle.

I know what I just said, but…

If, however, you have an overpowering sense of destiny that you are certain is not from yourself, you owe it to yourself to explore it — even if it seems foolish. Consider the Biblical stories of Gideon and King David. When we encounter both men in the Bible, neither displays the potential that God sees in Him.

And NBA fans should take note of league MVP Stephen Curry who was not a top college prospect based on his size, but literally grew into the star he became during his undergraduate career at Davidson College. It’s only possible to persevere against impossible circumstances when one is sure who — and whose — he is.

Beware the False Self

The late Brennan Manning called it “the Impostor.” John Eldredge calls it the false self — that living by your wits in the realm of appearances — instead of living authentically according to the condition of your heart. I’ve learned a lot through the years from John Eldredge’s writings, and I recommend them to you if you want to go deeper into this idea of living from your heart. King Solomon described the heart as “the wellspring of life” in Proverbs, so this is not an option or an accessory. In many ways, this is what it means to live a redeemed and restored life.

Please note well that this redemption comes from God’s loving us in our brokenness and weakness.

Tribes

In an upcoming post, I plan to talk about the threat of tribalism, and how we need to find a way to cool our jets. But this tendency to associate with people who share our values is nothing new. We are all attracted to environments where we can trust and be trusted, know and be known, and communities where values are more homogeneous tend to have higher standards of living, lower incidence of crime, and less violence.

A lot of times this is a positive thing. Presbyterians join with other Presbyterians to worship in a style they prefer and serve effectively based on their shared doctrines. Baptists do this with other Baptists; Catholics with Catholics, and so on. The problems begin when one becomes so invested in the rightness of his way that he cannot recognize good faith on the part of those who go about their worship or work differently. Given the lingering rancor from the most recent US election season, I believe you can see the danger of hyper-partisanship.

Belonging is powerful — and being an outcast is powerfully negative.

Affiliation is interesting. Belonging to a group can reinforce your sense of identity. Veterans have a built-in affinity for fellow veterans. Alumni of given schools bond readily over their shared experience — even if it was decades apart. We all crave acceptance by people we admire. And we feel ruined when we experience rejection. This fear of being excluded — the dread of being exposed as something less than a man, or of being shunned for being different is what gives the false self its power. We need to feel connected.

This explains in part why so many men are diehard sports fans. The process of initiation into cheering for any team is minimal-to-non-existent, and it brings no risk, no cost. Simply wearing the jersey gives you an automatic “in” with other fans. In contrast to the investment of the athletes themselves, emotional investment in a team is nowhere near as time and energy-intensive as the effort expended in the gym and on the field. It’s fine to watch a game, and to be a fan, but for your own sake, have an identity that is your own, and don’t outsource it to any athlete, any team, or any league. You’ll thank me — and here’s just one reason:

Did you know that your favorite sports team can affect your testosterone level? It’s true. When your team wins, you get a boost in your T-level. Conversely, when your team loses, your testosterone level decreases. I’m all for enjoying a ball game as entertainment, but my identity doesn’t rise or fall with the home team, and I’m done wearing another man’s name on my back.

So how about you? In what ways are you acting according to your identity?

“Endure hardship as discipline…”   – Hebrews 12:7

I never liked the word discipline. It always made me think of punishment — and I didn’t care for punishment.  Losing privileges, being sent to my room, having my allowance docked — I never liked any of it.  The worst, however, was corporal punishment — the dreaded spanking.

The generally unfavorable media messages regarding spanking — not abuse, mind you, spanking —  are somewhat baffling.   Maybe we are all more highly evolved now, but a great number of Builders, Boomers and Gen X’ers — including your host —  received spankings as punishment when they were children.  Perhaps the powers that be are still rubbing their burning backsides over their childhood corrections.

While you’re in the midst of it, hardship can feel like the furthest thing from hope – but it has its purpose.

A switch was never in my parents’ repertoire, but I got the hand, Dad’s belt, the wooden spoon, the yardstick, the flyswatter, a ruler (at school.  Once.)  and a paddle ball paddle, among other similar utensils.  Other friends of mine got the switch, the razor strop and a full-on wooden paddle with holes drilled in it.  The latter was used by our middle school gym teacher.  He referred to it as the ‘Board of Education” and applied it to the “seat of learning.”

As I said, I didn’t like the word — or the idea — of discipline, so when I encountered the passage of scripture quoted above, I tended to chafe at it.  But here’s the passage in a larger context:

 “ ⁴In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. ⁵ And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says,

“My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline,
    and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,
⁶ because the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
    and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.”^[a]

⁷ Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? ⁸ If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. ⁹ Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! ¹⁰ They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. ¹¹ No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”  Hebrews 12:4-11 (NIV)

Did you get that?  God disciplines sons he loves — the fact that He’s doing so proves you’re His.  That’s critical.  If he didn’t care, he wouldn’t bother.

If that’s still not enough, consider this:  The words discipline and disciple come from the same root.  Seen this way, discipline is instruction, teaching or training.  This turned the light on for me, as the word training has a positive connotation.  If I’m being trained, that means I’m acquiring new skills — and that suggests new opportunities.

I also associate training with working out.  I enjoy exercise for the health benefits, for the way it crushes stress and elevates my mood.  Enduring hardship as training under the hand of God, means God is my coach and he’s getting me ready for the next challenge.

If you’re going through a rough patch in your life, I hope this will help you.  If your difficulties are the result of some choice you made or something you failed to do, understand that God is teaching you how to avoid this next time.  If you’ve audited your behavior and your motives and you’re sure you’re in the right and you’re still going through a tough time, trust that your Father in Heaven is preparing you for a future challenge.

Don’t get discouraged.  The fact that you’re having a hard time is evidence that God loves you and is training you.  Punishment is always about the past.  Training is always about the future.

 So how about you?  For what future triumph could your current hardships be preparing you?  Add your comments below.

“But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.”
-1 Peter 2:9 (NIV)

From the time my first son was born I have been a fan of C.S. Lewis’s The Chronicles of Narnia.  During my sons’ formative years, we probably read through the entire series — aloud — at least seven times.  This does not include the various other times I read one or another of the books for the enjoyment of it.

In book five (according to the copyright date — don’t get me started) titled The Horse and His Boy, we encounter a character who, despite his brief appearance in this one volume, made a real impression on me.  I am referring to King Lune of Archenland, a model of manliness as I hope you’ll see in the following passage:

“The King’s under the law, for it’s the law makes him a king.”

“As was certain to happen sooner or later, King Lune said it was time for young people to be in bed. “And tomorrow, Cor,” he added, “shalt come over all the castle with me and see the estate, and mark all its strength and weakness: for it will be thine to guard when I’m gone.”

“But Corin will be the King then, Father,” said Cor.

“Nay, lad,” said King Lune, “thou art my heir. The crown comes to thee.”

“But I don’t want it,” said Cor. “I’d far rather–”

“‘Tis no question what thou wantest, Cor, nor I either. ‘Tis in the course of law.”

“But if we’re twins we must be the same age.”

“Nay,” said the King with a laugh. “One must come first. Art Corin’s elder by full twenty minutes. And his better too, let’s hope, though that’s no great mastery.” And he looked at Corin with a twinkle in his eyes.

“But, Father, couldn’t you make whichever you like to be the next King?”

“No. The King’s under the law, for it’s the law makes him a king. Hast no more power to start away from thy crown than any sentry from his post.”

“Oh dear,” said Cor. “I don’t want to at all. And Corin– I am most dreadfully sorry. I never dreamed my turning up was going to chisel you out of your kingdom.”

“Hurrah! Hurrah!” said Corin. “I shan’t have to be king. I shan’t have to be king. I’ll always be a prince. It’s princes have all the fun.”

“And that’s truer than thy brother knows, Cor,” said King Lune. “For this is what it means to be a king: to be first in every desperate attack and last in every desperate retreat, and when there’s hunger in the land (as must be now and then in bad years) to wear finer clothes and laugh louder over a scantier meal than any man in your land.”

–C.S. Lewis, The Horse and His Boy in The Chronicles of Narnia

As a man, you are made to exercise your masculine strength.  If you’re called to be a husband, your mission is to be her head and to lead your wife toward ever-increasing Christlikeness.  If you’re blessed to be a father, your mission is to teach your children and train them in right living under the grace of God.  This type of spiritual headship has been described as a man’s being the king of his castle.

If you’re a leader — a king —  here are four concepts I offer for your consideration, based on the example of good King Lune.

Even kings are under authority

King Lune submits to the law, making him a moral and just leader.  If you read the entire series, you’ll understand that in the fictional realm of Narnia, there are laws because there is a transcendent law-giver.  So Lune wouldn’t have tried to change the law even if he wanted to. This is consistent with the saying that we are a country of laws, not men.  Everyone is subject to the same standard, even the king.

A king has a duty – he is not his own

Everyone in Archenland has his role.  As Lune points out, it isn’t a matter of what he, his son or anyone else prefers.  If your job is to be king, then by all means rule.  The monarch can’t shirk his responsibilities any more than a soldier or a sentry in the king’s army can be derelict in his.  As Robert E. Lee said, “You should do your duty in all things. You can never do more, you should never wish to do less.”

A king leads from the front

As Lune explains to his son what it means to be king, he models a concept known as leading from the front.  A good king is first in every charge, and the last man in every retreat.  He puts his own life on the line in battle, since it is by his authority that the kingdom is at war.  If there are hard times, he bears them with his subjects and doesn’t exempt or isolate himself from the suffering in his domain.  The motto at the Marine Corps Officer Candidate School is Ductus exemplo — lead by example.

A king sets the tone for those in his kingdom

Note that King Lune is no politician. He doesn’t promise never-ending prosperity, and he recognizes that bad years will come.  He understands and articulates that in those circumstances a good king doesn’t go into hiding.  Rather he brightens his attitude and those of his people by force of his optimism.  He wears fine clothes and laughs despite the lack of food on his plate because he has hope.

A husband and a father needs to be strong before his wife and children in this same way.  They are looking to their leader — you — to set the emotional and spiritual tone in good and bad times.  I personally couldn’t do this without God’s help, but I do it because I have hope

So how about you?  How do you — or how do you intend to — wield your authority in your domain?  Add your comments below.

In my previous post on identity, I warned against the rise of the impostor, also known as the false self. If you’re like me and most of the men I’ve met, you have either overcome the false self, or you are living the life of the false self.

What is this False Self you speak of?

Different teachers have called it different names — the False Self, the Impostor, the Poser — but it’s all the same thing. A wounded man — and let’s face it, we’re all wounded to some degree — seeks to cover his vulnerability by building on his natural abilities. He seeks out opportunities to excel where his giftedness won’t betray him, and avoids environments where he fears he might be exposed. It’s a way of rigging the game, of stacking his schedule with less-than-challenging opponents.

The result can be quite convincing for a while. Casual acquaintances may never catch on. But inside the man is miserable and increasingly angry — and unfortunately, he spreads his misery to his wife and children. I know, because I lived it.

My False Self – a not-very-cool origin story

I’ve written and spoken before of how I was named for my paternal grandfather and how he taught me so many good things. As I child, I idolized him. There was nothing he couldn’t do. I wanted to be like him, and his approval was everything.

There is a me you would not recognize…

After my parents separated when I was ten, we moved back to my parents’ hometown — an hour away from my dad. My grandfather became that much more important to me, in his influence and proximity. I spent many Saturdays at his elbow, working in the yard, repairing things around the house — learning a lot of the very useful things men learned from their fathers and grandfathers.

On many of these occasions, my grandfather would send me to his shop or his storage shed to bring a tool, a fastener, or some other needed part to him. He would explain what it looked like, and where to look for it. He would always ask if I understood. If I said I didn’t, we’d go through it again. Most of the time, I found the item and brought it back straightaway. Other times I’d get distracted and come back without it. Sometimes it wouldn’t be where he said it would be. But sometimes, I lied and said I knew what he was talking about so he’d think well of me.

On one of those latter occasions, I returned without the thing he sent me to get. Exasperated, he look at me disgustedly and said, “You haven’t got the sense God gave a goose.” I didn’t cry. I didn’t complain. But I was devastated. In some ways that one remark was a greater wound than the one dealt by the death of my parents’ marriage. This was because I knew that my parents’ impending divorce was not my doing. Even though it was like a wildfire wrapped in a tornado in an earthquake, I knew it wasn’t my fault. By contrast, my grandfather’s disapproval and his harsh words — directed at me  — delivered a blow to my heart.

As a result, I became the competent one. I was going to have an answer — the answer — and I was never going to be unprepared or feel that humiliated again. I threw myself into striving. I sought approval everywhere. School was easy, and it provided ready feedback. I’ve always been good with words, so verbal jousting and bantering was an easy way to establish my place in the pack. I was active in scouting, so again it was  easy to tick off requirements and earn badges. Ultimately, the false self made me an addict — and approval was my drug of choice.

Years later, when I became a follower of Jesus, I concealed the pain that had shaped me. I was able to pick up the dialect and the false self let me hide in the context of the church. I appeared to be a capable leader

I was nearly 40 years old by the time I understood what had happened and why I was trapped in a prison of rules (conformity), approval — and my “favorite,” the fear of failure. looking back it is easy to see. But I was young at the time and badly hurt. And the ones who should have helped me overcome this woundedness to help me see my true identity on the other side of this — were the two men who wounded me.

Ultimately, my story had a happy ending, as I admitted to God and myself that I was damaged, and He began healing me. Part of the way my pain was redeemed was the process of masculine initiation I undertook with each of my sons. Part of it was committing to honoring the vows I made to my wife. Part of it was realizing that my grandfather and my father were wounded themselves and forgiving them. And part of it is in writing this blog to help those of you with a similar story find the joy and freedom of your true identity.

Those gifts you’re leaning on are good gifts. Your mistake is thinking they define who you are. They were meant to emanate from your identity, not take its place.

The Unbearable Lightness of Being

When you live according to external appearances — and you stake your identity on what you have and or what you do, you are falling into the trap of ontological lightness. It sounds paradoxical to say that the way through pain is to admit how bad it hurts, but I know it to be true because that is the path I took. Even though my healing came over 15 years ago, there are still times when I am tempted to fall back on the false self, the all-capable one. Then I remember.

As I hope you see, living according to the false self  is exhausting. You can never let down your guard or else someone — the dreaded and ubiquitous “they” — will see you’re a poser. It’s like the doofus on the beach trying to appear more muscular by sucking in his gut. Eventually, he has to let it out. Based on my experience, it’s better to surrender your mask than to have it stripped from you. And that is what God, our Father, wants to do for you, His sons.

I am healed and I am free, and I want you to have the same freedom to live from your redeemed heart. If I can do it, you know it can be done.

So how about you? In what ways have you grown tired of the false self? You can add your comments below (anonymously, if you’d like).

“The unexamined life is not worth living.” – Socrates

In my original post on this topic, I explained Robert Ardrey’s idea that our psychological and emotional needs center on Identity, Stimulation, and Security. In my previous post on Identity we discussed that identity emanates from essence, from existence. It is rooted primarily in the unchangeable attributes that accompany us into the world and throughout our lives. We also established that our deeds do not establish our identity so much as they reveal it. But even then, they do so imperfectly.

It isn’t “out there” — it’s in here.

But if I don’t discover my identity from what I do, why do anything?

As in exercise, your muscles won’t grow if you merely lie around thinking about working out. You have to get off the couch and hit the gym, the box, the bike, the dojo. You will never develop the strength and skill you desire without purposeful action.

Similarly, if you are an artist or an entrepreneur, you must commit to the mastery of your craft and you must paint, compose, perform, or launch — even while you are learning. Entrepreneurs commit to a cycle of “launch and iterate,” trying and refining, and always learning. You have heard me say before that “You’re either green and growing, or you’re ripe and rotting.” I stand by that. And I’m still learning and growing myself. If you’re reading this, I expect you’re interested in learning and growing, too.

Sometimes you have to get moving without a clear picture of who you are. But I submit to you that the ideal is to move out of a sense of your identity and calling, instead of doing as a way to discover who you are. The categories are not entirely black and white, but in my next post I’ll illustrate why action must emanate from identity.

Now let’s talk about some ways you can help strengthen your sense of identity.

What are your assets?

What traits do you possess that provide clues to your identity? What do you know of your ancestry — good and bad? What victories and wounds are in your past? What have you learned to this point? What are you learning, and from whom? Is it easy or hard for you to learn? In what domains? What is your ethnicity, and what does that reveal about you? What is your master passion — that is, what makes your heart come alive?

Understand that these are clues that will help you assess who you are and who you’re meant to be under Heaven.

Where do you fit?

Rick Warren’s book, The Purpose Driven Church discusses a method he and his church devised called “Discovering your SHAPE for Ministry.” It’s an acrostic that encourages each of us to discover his role in the body by considering five attributes: Spiritual gifts, Heart, Aptitude(s), Personality, and Experience/Education. The church uses these assays to help its members find ways to serve that fit their God-given purpose.

When you know who you are, and what you’re good at, it reveals your purpose in your immediate context. This is true in the church and also in life. But even if it leaves you restless, that can be fuel that propels you toward the ultimate fulfillment of your destiny. You have to be looking for it, though. I doubt that caterpillars have any idea their destiny is to become butterflies, but if they don’t fulfill the mission of being caterpillars, they won’t realize their amazing potential.

As I’ve written before about building on strengths instead of correcting weaknesses — if you’re built to be a defensive back, you’re wasting everyone’s time trying to play offensive tackle.

I know what I just said, but…

If, however, you have an overpowering sense of destiny that you are certain is not from yourself, you owe it to yourself to explore it — even if it seems foolish. Consider the Biblical stories of Gideon and King David. When we encounter both men in the Bible, neither displays the potential that God sees in Him.

And NBA fans should take note of league MVP Stephen Curry who was not a top college prospect based on his size, but literally grew into the star he became during his undergraduate career at Davidson College. It’s only possible to persevere against impossible circumstances when one is sure who — and whose — he is.

Beware the False Self

The late Brennan Manning called it “the Impostor.” John Eldredge calls it the false self — that living by your wits in the realm of appearances — instead of living authentically according to the condition of your heart. I’ve learned a lot through the years from John Eldredge’s writings, and I recommend them to you if you want to go deeper into this idea of living from your heart. King Solomon described the heart as “the wellspring of life” in Proverbs, so this is not an option or an accessory. In many ways, this is what it means to live a redeemed and restored life.

Please note well that this redemption comes from God’s loving us in our brokenness and weakness.

Tribes

In an upcoming post, I plan to talk about the threat of tribalism, and how we need to find a way to cool our jets. But this tendency to associate with people who share our values is nothing new. We are all attracted to environments where we can trust and be trusted, know and be known, and communities where values are more homogeneous tend to have higher standards of living, lower incidence of crime, and less violence.

A lot of times this is a positive thing. Presbyterians join with other Presbyterians to worship in a style they prefer and serve effectively based on their shared doctrines. Baptists do this with other Baptists; Catholics with Catholics, and so on. The problems begin when one becomes so invested in the rightness of his way that he cannot recognize good faith on the part of those who go about their worship or work differently. Given the lingering rancor from the most recent US election season, I believe you can see the danger of hyper-partisanship.

Belonging is powerful — and being an outcast is powerfully negative.

Affiliation is interesting. Belonging to a group can reinforce your sense of identity. Veterans have a built-in affinity for fellow veterans. Alumni of given schools bond readily over their shared experience — even if it was decades apart. We all crave acceptance by people we admire. And we feel ruined when we experience rejection. This fear of being excluded — the dread of being exposed as something less than a man, or of being shunned for being different is what gives the false self its power. We need to feel connected.

This explains in part why so many men are diehard sports fans. The process of initiation into cheering for any team is minimal-to-non-existent, and it brings no risk, no cost. Simply wearing the jersey gives you an automatic “in” with other fans. In contrast to the investment of the athletes themselves, emotional investment in a team is nowhere near as time and energy-intensive as the effort expended in the gym and on the field. It’s fine to watch a game, and to be a fan, but for your own sake, have an identity that is your own, and don’t outsource it to any athlete, any team, or any league. You’ll thank me — and here’s just one reason:

Did you know that your favorite sports team can affect your testosterone level? It’s true. When your team wins, you get a boost in your T-level. Conversely, when your team loses, your testosterone level decreases. I’m all for enjoying a ball game as entertainment, but my identity doesn’t rise or fall with the home team, and I’m done wearing another man’s name on my back.

So how about you? In what ways are you acting according to your identity?

“Know thyself” – Socrates

Last week, I re-posted a longish discussion of Robert Ardrey’s theory that Identity, Stimulation, and Security are the three psychological and emotional needs that we must fulfill once our immediate physical needs are satisfied. I titled that post “Three Vectors of Emotional Health,” and I declared my intention to comment further on these three needs over the next several posts. As you can tell from today’s title, I want to begin the discussion of identity.

“On the internet no one can tell you’re a dog.” (photo by Braydon Anderson – courtesy of www.goodfreephotos.com)

Who are you?

When we meet someone new, we immediately want to know who he or she is. Interestingly, we don’t ask the question directly. To begin, we’ll ask the newcomer’s name, or we’ll offer our own, but most of the time the next question is “What do you do?” If we’re particularly proud of our occupation, we’ll reply with our job title, or maybe the name of the prestigious company we work for. Since nearly everyone you know does this, I don’t want to imply that it’s sinister. Most people are asking as a method for uncovering shared interests or values — common denominators as my communications professor used to call them. And these shared ties can serve as conversational bridges that enable people to get to know each other.

There is, however, more than a whiff of comparison implicit in the question. This is the near-animal level of marking territory, sizing each other up, establishing the pecking order. Think of two dogs sniffing each other — look familiar? This base motivation and behavior is a mark of laziness, insecurity, or both. Certainly it’s beneath the dignity of a man who knows who he is.

Over time, I have made it a point to avoid the “what do you do” question when I first meet someone. It forces me to be more observant and to think of better, more engaging questions. I have to pay attention since I have not fallen into the typical conversational pattern. Not everyone appreciates this: I once asked a man about the biggest goal he had achieved. He was insulted and suspicious of my motive for asking. Even when I explained I was trying to get to know him, he was wary. (Based on that reaction, I have shelved that question, by the way.)

You are NOT what do you do

I agree that our actions help to establish our reputation and reveal our character, but our actions are like photographs. A moment — good or bad — that is a less-than-accurate portrayal of one’s substance, his existence. Actions, like photographs, can reveal something true, but they are an effect, not a cause.

You do realize — don’t you — that you are not what you do? Not what you do for a paycheck, not for amusement, not even for God — you are not what you do. Consider that if you derive your identity from your job, your strength, your looks, your talent, or your charm, there isn’t one of those things that you can’t lose. If your sense of self comes from something that can leave you, who are you if or when it leaves? To begin to understand your identity, you must begin with attributes that cannot change over the course of your life.

Worldviews matter

Here we go again! Yes — because it’s important. If your worldview is a biblical one — where you view the whole of life through the lens of Scripture addressing the root questions of Creation, Fall, Redemption, and Restoration — you have the best set of tools for understanding who you are. Harking back to the question of Creation — where did man come from — one with a biblical worldview would hold that humanity is made in the image and likeness of God. Therefore, human life is special and people of every race, ethnicity, age, kind, and ability are worthy of dignity. This is the basis for human rights and natural law — the belief that human beings have God-given rights and we don’t muck with them.

So when you meet someone for the first time, you have an automatic foundation of respect and dignity that you afford him. King or peasant, both have worth, so you begin your acquaintance free from the burden of striving for position. Of course, this depends on your being confident in your own identity.

It’s who you know

While what you do doesn’t establish your identity, whom you love and who loves you are enormously important. I’ve said before that very few of us are intended to live as hermits. What I mean is we are wired for relationships, and part of our identity comes from those most intimate connections. If you have a biblical worldview, you know that as a creature made in the image of God, you are known and loved by God, and your life has intrinsic worth.

In Revelation, the last book of the Bible, Jesus promises that those who are faithful to Him will receive a new name on a white stone. Who can give you your true name? Only God can do this, but you see that this is only possible in the context of a relationship. God is a person — not a kiosk, or a soulless process like the worst stereotypes of the DMV.

I’ll develop this discussion further in an upcoming post.

So how about you? From whom — or what — have you been deriving your identity? Add your comments below.

“Then he taught me, and he said to me, ‘Take hold of my words with all your heart; keep my commands, and you will live. Get wisdom, get understanding; do not forget my words or turn away from them. Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you; love her, and she will watch over you. The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding. Cherish her, and she will exalt you; embrace her, and she will honor you. She will give you a garland to grace your head and present you with a glorious crown.’” – Proverbs 4:4-9 (NIV)

Over the weekend, I took Mrs. Booth to see the movie Hacksaw Ridge — the true story of World War II Army medic Desmond Doss. It is as frank in its depiction of combat and human destruction as anything I’ve seen since Saving Private Ryan, and it is also the most uplifting story I may have ever seen.

Meet Desmond Doss

The facts of Desmond Doss’s life are a matter of history. A devout Christian and a pacifist raised in the hills around Lynchburg,VA, volunteers to serve in World War II. His convictions forbid him to even handle a gun, so he enlists with the purpose of becoming a combat medic.

Medal of Honor Recipient Cpl. Desmond T. Doss (photo courtesy of the Desmond Doss Council)

Assigned to Fort Jackson, SC, Doss finds himself in a rifle battalion, where his officers and his fellow soldiers accuse him of cowardice and harass him trying to hound him out of the Army — even subjecting him to a court-martial for refusing a direct order to handle a weapon. But Private Doss didn’t waver in his faith or go along to get along to make the trouble go away.

Desmond Doss and his battalion saw combat in the Pacific, ultimately participating in the bloodiest battle of that theater — the battle for Okinawa, set atop a 400-foot cliff known as the escarpment. Desmond Doss did not carry a weapon into that carnage — only his Bible and his faith. When the enemy counter-attacked, the Americans retreated from the top of the escarpment — all of them except Desmond Doss. And he single-handedly rescued at least 75 wounded men, retrieving their broken bodies while under hostile fire, moving within yards of enemy soldiers. As he tended each soldier, he carried each man to the edge of the cliff lowering him into US hands.

Who is this guy?

The movie does a good job of conveying that it was Desmond’s faith in God, and his desire to please God that motivated him to resist the taking of life, but that also motivated him to serve. When the war began, Desmond was eligible for a deferral based on his work in a naval shipyard. He felt it was his duty to serve, so he chose the more difficult path of honor.

And during the night as he lowered his wounded comrades away from danger, he prayed through his fatigue: “Lord, let me get just one more.” I wondered if this was simply Hollywood gloss, but in a documentary titled The Conscientious Objector, Desmond Doss explains that this was indeed his prayer.

The takeaways from “Hacksaw Ridge”

I hope you’ll see the movie, but if not, here are the main takeaways I left with:

1. We need stories. As we’ve discussed before, there’s much less benefit to telling a man to “Man up,” than there is in telling a story of a man who was willing to put principle ahead of his own comfort.
2. We need heroes. Too many people we enshrine as heroes will let you down if you study them closely enough. Here, at least, is one case, where a man walked unarmed into Hell to save his fellow-man. He even provided care to some wounded Japanese soldiers. The fact that one man was able to do this inspires me to aim higher.
3. Freedom of conscience is necessary — and expensive. Just to have the right to go into combat — unarmed — with is battalion Doss had to suffer the insults, the beatings, the extra duty, and the mischaracterization of his motives.
4. Even when you’re right, sometimes you have to absorb the hit. Conscientious objectors like those practicing civil disobedience have the right to express themselves. And defying authority usually brings consequences. Doss never lashed out at the unfair treatment he received. He stuck to his principles and trusted God to work it out.
5. One man can make a difference. Desmond Doss’s devotion to God and country impelled him toward danger again and again. As a result, 75 men who almost certainly would have died of their wounds or been finished off by the enemy lived.

The rest of the story

Desmond Doss sustained multiple wounds from enemy snipers and grenades. Even when it was his turn to be carried from the battlefield, he insisted that a more critically wounded soldier be carried on the stretcher he occupied at the time. For his most conspicuous gallantry and willingness to put himself in harm’s way for his fellow soldiers, Corporal Desmond Doss received the Congressional Medal of Honor — the first conscientious objector to receive the nation’s highest military honor.Desmond Doss had numerous health problems resulting from his wounds, but he lived well into old age giving honor to God.

A lot of times, a movie based on a true story takes liberties to make it seem better. In the case of Desmond Doss, the truth is even better than Hollywood, as I hope you’ll see.

So how about you? What stories make you want to be a better man? Add your comments below.

“What lifetime are you waiting for?” – Bill Hybels

I hope you had a great celebration on Christmas Day, and that you are still enjoying the joy of this season. Today, I want to encourage you to think about your plans for the new year. I have written before about setting SMART goals, and I won’t repeat myself here, but I want to urge you to think broadly with more of a systems approach to the life you want.

Map the systems of your life and optimize them for a more effective new year.

The plague of “If only” thinking

When I was a child, my parents sometimes gave me books as presents. One such gift was Dr. Seuss’ I Had Trouble in Getting to Solla Sollew (published over 50 years ago!). Although not as well-known as some of his other books, Solla Sollew made a great point — and thanks to Dr. Seuss and his gift for rhyme — I have remembered its message ever since.

The main character stubs his toe and encounters a series of other vexations and decides as a result to find a place without these frustrations. Just then, our hero meets a traveler who is on his way to Solla Sollew, “where they never have troubles — at least very few.” The story develops as the hero faces other challenges and reaches a surprising and hopeful conclusion.

If this year has been a bad year for you and your family, you might wish for a ticket to Solla Sollew, or at least to a better set of circumstances. I want to challenge you to resist the temptation to think this way. Perhaps you know people in the grip of “If only” thinking. You know: the single people who think if only they were married they’d be happy; the unhappily married ones who think if only they were married to someone else they be happy; the unemployed or underemployed who think if only they had a better job — any job — they’d be happy; or the childless couples who think if only they had a baby they’d be happy. And on and on.

For the record, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be married, with wanting children, with wanting a job, or with the desire for better circumstances. (Though if you’re married and it isn’t going well, I can’t advocate divorce. I do recommend working on it — prayerfully.) The problem with “If only” thinking is, you’re always putting your happiness off — and let’s define happiness as the peak of your effectiveness and fulfillment — into some hazy future. It might as well be never.

If you want to have a happier, more fulfilling new year — with more to show for it — I have a suggestion for you.

Systems thinking

In these and other circumstances, they key is to think less in terms of goals and more in terms of systems. Although this principle finds its most common use in problem solving in science and industry, you may also find it useful for increasing your effectiveness and for creating virtuous circles — chains of things that go right, which facilitate other things that go right — in your life.

So, what’s a system?

A system is a collection of parts that all work together for a specific purpose or set of purposes. These parts can consist of physical structures or entities, but also of the inputs and outputs of the system. It’s possible for a part to be shared by more than one system, but to belong to a system, a part must be integral — essential — to the functioning of the system. To illustrate this, think about the various systems of the human body. The circulatory system contains your heart, lungs, blood, veins and arteries, and its input is oxygen and carbon dioxide is its output. You can identify the parts and inputs/outputs of the skeletal, muscular, digestive, endocrine, nervous and reproductive systems, and you can see how they work together.

Now let’s apply this concept to the aspects of your life with an eye toward making next year better than this one. If you are seeking a better job, the parts might consist of your education, experience, attitude, talent, location, and your network. Your career system inputs would be time and effort, and your outputs would be your specific work product and the money you earn.

Putting it to work

Taking a systems approach to your career, you can begin to understand how to improve the overall efficiency of the system. We’re looking for the smallest tweaks that will deliver the greatest gains. So ask yourself what aspects of the system need tweaking? If you lack skills, how can you increase your competence? If your commute or your extracurricular activities leave you too tired to keep up the pace or maintain consistent quality of output, what changes can you make to enable you to increase your value? It could be a change to your diet to maximize energy, and/or it could be as simple as getting to bed earlier.

Your career is just one system. You can apply this to marriage and family, friendships, community activities, creative pursuits, and your health.

Eating my own cooking

For the new year, I am again replacing the creation of annual goals with an assessment of the various systems in my life. My hypothesis is that this approach will free me from the restrictions of numerical goals (What if I establish too easy of a goal and kill it by the end of February? What if I was too optimistic?) while allowing me to increase the return on investment in every aspect of my life.

It is still important to have measurements and timelines, and yet I believe the systems approach will enable me to keep a better watch on my progress. In the realm of fitness, this approach has made me stronger and more flexible than I thought I’d be at this age.

Give it a try and let’s see where we end up next December — not someday.

So how about you? What systems, inputs and outputs can you identify in your life? How do you intend to tweak them to increase your effectiveness in the coming year? Add your comments below.

P.S. I recognize that many famous people have passed away this year, and we are laboring under this idea that the calendar kills people. You see this with social media postings earnestly addressing 2016 as if it is a living thing. Nonsense! While I mourn the loss of several of my personal favorites this year, we all have to realize that death is part of the package in a fallen world. It’s a sad fact. But more important, each of us has only so many years to accomplish his life’s work. All the more reason, then, to get busy becoming the best possible version of yourself.