“He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.”
-Proverbs 18:22 (ESV)

In part 1, we talked about the wisdom of getting to know your beloved before you say “I do.” That mountain in the title isn’t just the woman’s family. To help you in this process, here are some additional areas to discuss — and agree on — long before you set up housekeeping.

If you want it to stay spicy, it takes preparation.

Money

My pastor is fond of saying that if he were to see your calendar and your checkbook, he would know what you value. It makes sense — we invest our time and our money in those things we love. I have read in more than one place that married couples fight more about money than anything else, including sex. For most women, the number one need is security, so living within your means is a great way to ensure your wife’s security and your sanity.

I strongly encourage the two of you to agree to live on a budget, and to create a realistic plan to, as John Wesley said, “earn all you can, earn all you can and save all you can.” If you can avoid debt, by all means do so. If you’re in debt, pay it off ASAP.

Living on a budget is a difficult adjustment, but three months in, you’ll be amazed how free you’ll feel. I admit I was a reluctant convert, but I am sold on budgets.

Politics

This goes so far beyond mere party affiliation or choosing whom to support in the next election. I am aware of successful marriages between people who are ideological opposites, but I am also aware of marriages in which policy differences added further strain.

As you and your future wife talk about issues, don’t settle for labels. Think in terms of worldview. Ask questions to understand why you believe as you do, and why she holds the convictions she does. At least get your biases out in the open.

Religion

The second of the proverbial conversational taboos. You’re in love — I get that. But I don’t believe you can easily become one with someone who is running a completely different operating system. The two of you may be quite comfortable with each other, but when children enter the picture, you won’t necessarily agree on which house of worship will be Junior’s spiritual home. Better to talk this over beforehand. Interfaith marriages add another layer of complexity to the already challenging effort to get and stay married.

Sex — and having babies

This is another of the major sources of conflict between husbands and wives. Often there’s an imbalance in the expectations regarding frequency of marital relations. There is likely to be some variation in desire between the two of you, and even within each of you. My advice regarding sex is something I could say in front of your grandmother: be generous in love. The Bible tells husbands and wives not to deprive each other. So don’t.

If you use the marriage bed for its intended purpose, babies can and do result. You and your bride-to-be must be on the same page regarding when to have children, as well as how many to have. But keep in mind: Man proposes; God disposes.

In our church, there is a surprising number of families with four and five children each. It is wonderful to see. Parenthood is the best trouble you’ll ever have. It’s even better if you talk over parenting styles, discipline, educational preferences and how you’ll structure the respective responsibilities before the little ones start arriving.

Baggage (a/k/a the past)

We all have “stuff.” Men have stuff. Women have stuff. I do want to recommend that you seek a wife among women who have had the fewest sexual partners. Why? In addition to the mystery of two becoming one, we are learning that a woman’s exposure to multiple partners radically increases the likelihood of divorce. We err when we take holy things and seek to make them common. Marry a godly woman who holds God and his gift of sex in high regard.

If you’re wondering “What about grace?” understand that I believe it, I teach it, I depend on it. God has withheld the punishment I deserve and blessed me beyond anything I deserve based on my performance. And God can restore what has been squandered — but He is not obligated to do so.

What we are talking about is how promiscuity — or its uptown cousin, serial monogamy — alters a woman’s ability to bond with her husband. If I am foolish enough to play with my shotgun and blow my hand off, I can be genuinely sorry for my foolishness, but I don’t have any right to demand that God regenerate my missing hand.

One last thought

The statistics are also grim for those couples who live together before getting married. The likelihood of divorce increases by nearly 50%. I realize that living together to try it out is a backhanded compliment to marriage, but you’re creating a steeper hill for yourself if you do so.

I’ve been married for nearly 30 years, and I can tell you that marriage is hard work, but it’s worth it. Take this advice and you and your bride can begin your life together with a better set of advantages.

So how about you? What are you doing now to ensure a lasting marriage? Add your comments below.

I once heard my friend Bob Shank say that five years from now, the person you are then will be determined by the books you’re reading today.   That made an impression on me, and whenever I pick up a book, I think about this idea.

“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” – Groucho Marx

Given the investment of time and attention required to read, comprehend and retain, it is not surprising that books would have such influence.  As a result, to be the best version of himself a man should definitely read books — but he should make it a point to read really good books.

I have a backlog of books I haven’t yet gotten to this year, but here follows a list of my favorite books read in 2014:

• Live Like A Narnian by Joe Rigney — If you’re a fan of C.S. Lewis’ The Chronicles of Narnia, this book extracts some of the character traits worth emulating, and does so without quenching the joy of the original stories.  In addition to reminding me again why I love Lewis’s stories so much, it made me want to sit down and read them again.
• Evernote Essentials by Brett Kelly — I’ll admit it: I love Evernote, and I think you should use it, too.  Kelly’s ebook is an entertaining instruction manual written in a conversational style.  I haven’t even implemented all of the suggestions, but reading this book made Evernote even more useful.
• How The World Sees You by Sally Hogshead — Marketing expert Sally Hogshead explains the science of fascination, specifically the attributes that can make each one of us fascinating.  Part of this book is an explanation of the 49 personality archetypes that are discerned from the author’s Fascination Advantage online assessment.  (For the record, my primary advantage is Power and my secondary advantage is Innovation, making me a Change Agent.)
• Drucker & Me by Bob Buford — Bob Buford, author of the leadership classics Halftime and Game Plan, tells the story and shares the lessons he learned from his friendship with the father of modern management, Peter Drucker.   We should all have such mentors.
• 10/10/80 Living: A Practical Roadmap for Financial Success by E. John Wood — If you didn’t come into the world with a good grasp of money management, this book lays out a simple plan for mastering your money.  As the title suggests, you’re encouraged to give ten percent (the Biblical tithe), save ten percent, and live on the rest.  This is easier to say than to do, so Wood explains how to set up — and live on — a budget.
• Die Empty: Unleash Your Best Work Every Day by Todd Henry — The author of The Accidental Creative lays out the rationale for delivering our best — in terms of effort and results — by slaying what he dubs the seven deadly sins of mediocrity.  The title is inspired by Oliver Wendell Holmes’ poem “The Voiceless” in which Holmes wrote: “Alas for those that never sing, But die with all their music in them!”  Henry says we need to plan to go to our graves with all our latent gifts fully expressed.

As you can see, I need to make time over the holidays and next year to read more fiction.  Even so, I have quite a stack to read or re-read, including Tony Robbins’ newest book, Money: Master the Game, and one of my favorites, Dallas Willard’s The Divine Conspiracy.

So how about you? What book or books made an impact on you in 2014?  Add a comment below and tell what made them your favorites for this year.