While we celebrate the incarnation of Christ Jesus, I want to ask you to consider the example of a man who was indispensable to the Christmas story — Joseph the carpenter.

Meet Joseph

When we first meet Joseph in the Bible, he is defined in terms of his relationships — as the son of his father, Jacob, and the husband of Mary, the mother of Christ (Matthew 1:16).  From there we learn that Joseph was engaged to Mary, and that Mary was pregnant by God the Holy Spirit.

Joseph’s choices

Although Joseph could have avenged his honor and had Mary stoned to death for her supposed adultery, instead he made up his mind to break their engagement quietly.  But instead, a messenger of God — an angel — appeared to Joseph and told him not to be afraid to proceed with the marriage, because Mary was carrying God’s son.  So Joseph obeyed God.  The only other narrative mentions of Joseph in the Gospel according to Matthew show him moving his family to safety in Egypt, and later to Nazareth to avoid murderous and corrupt rulers.

Family ties

In the Gospel according to Luke, we see Joseph taking his bride to his ancestral home, Bethlehem, because of a census decree.  Jesus was born there just as it had been prophesied.  Bethlehem was significant because Joseph was descended from King David — the greatest king of Israel — and the prophecies regarding the messiah told that he would be the son of David.

Joseph’s greatness

Despite the slight number of scripture verses in which Joseph appears, his impact is tremendous.  Christmas could not have happened without him.  Here are the lessons I take from the life of Joseph:

• No whining — According to the genealogy of Jesus, Joseph could well have been the rightful heir to the throne of King David.  Instead he was a tradesman –a carpenter.  We do not have any account that suggests Joseph complained about his station in life, or about the circumstances he and his fiancée found themselves in.
• No drama — When it appeared Mary had been unfaithful to him, his love for her caused him not to want to subject her to disgrace.  His plan was to quietly send her away.
• Faithful — Joseph is described as a man of noble character.  Although this is not unheard of in the offspring of kings, it is by no means guaranteed.  Note that Joseph willingly accepted the role of Jesus’ earthly father, even though scripture tells us he did not have marital relations with Mary until after the birth of Jesus.  That is, he took the responsibility without any immediate gratification.
• Devout — We see Joseph hearing from God via angels and dreams, so we must conclude that he was seeking God’s wisdom.  Elsewhere we see him presenting the newborn Jesus to be dedicated at the temple, according to the law.  Certainly Joseph revered God to have ingrained such habits of belief and practice.
• Obedient — When God communicated His will to Joseph, it appears Joseph went straight to it.  Human nature was no different in Joseph’s day than it is in ours, so clearly Joseph must have known he’d have to deal with the whispers and gossip of his neighbors.  Based on the information given us in the Bible, he didn’t let anything deter him.
• Cool as the other side of the pillow — When evil Herod wanted to kill the newborn King of the Jews, Joseph got instructions to take Mary and Jesus into Egypt to escape Herod’s murderous intent.  And he just did it.  When news reached Joseph that Herod had died, God let him know it was safe to move back to Israel.  Again, he simply moved, although he did avoid Herod’s son by settling in Nazareth. (This decision fulfilled another prophecy regarding Jesus – this is why Jesus was considered a Nazarene.)

About the painting:  This is “Saint Joseph and the Infant Christ” painted by Baciccio — also known as Giovanni Battista Gaulli.  I love this portrayal of Joseph — his expression conveys such love, wonder and reverence.  What genuine nobility!  What a man!  

So how about you?  What of Joseph’s example can you put to work in your life?  Add your comments below.

If the crass commercialization of the season has tempted you to hate Christmas like a certain Dr. Seuss character, I’d like to share with you a practice that has helped my family and me get back to the heart of Christmas.

I first heard Pastor Rick McKinley several years ago on a podcast, talking about an initiative he had started at the church he leads — Imago Dei Community in Portland, Oregon.  He called it “The Advent Conspiracy,” and it was designed to be an antidote to the consumerism that had overtaken the original message of Christmas.

Stated simply, The Advent Conspiracy consists of four ideas:

1. Worship fully
2. Spend less
3. Give more
4. Love all

Worship Fully

The true meaning of Christmas — the inescapable origin of the season — is the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ.  Where we’ve gone wrong is that we’ve allowed ourselves to become dull, relegating Jesus to the category of ancient history.

But what if we were to think about the significance of Jesus more deeply?  Consider that God made a perfect world and set humanity at the top of  the created order.  Not long after this, humanity rebelled and rejected God’s authority, bringing about God’s righteous judgment.  Sickness, death and every kind of heartache resulted from this betrayal on our part.

God could have scrapped the whole project, but since his very nature is love, He chose a people for Himself and made them a great nation.  He gave them His law to indicate they were His people, and he sent them prophets, leaders and teachers to communicate His will to them.  And when the time was right, this loving God took on human flesh — leaving the splendor of Heaven — and chose to be born into the world he created as a helpless baby.  The coming near of God and the establishment of His kingdom on earth — the hope for all humanity — is what we celebrate at Christmas.  This is why we worship for all we’re worth.

Spend Less

From the time our sons were babies, we’ve always had a budget for Christmas and stuck to it. Even so, since we’ve adopted the Advent Conspiracy, we’ve sought to spend less for gifts while increasing the value of each one.  Part of this is to designate ten percent of our Christmas budget to benevolence — that is, making it a point to do a kindness to those who have less.  Another part is to manage our expectations and intentionally limit the size of our Christmas budget.

Give more

It seems like an oxymoron to spend less and give more, but there is a way.  McKinley calls it giving presence, rather than presents.  With this idea, our gifts to family members and each other are more thoughtful and involve an experience more than an object.  For example, a few Christmases ago, my younger son gave me a deep-winter backpacking weekend.  What a splendid gift!  We shared a weekend of father-son time and made great memories.

The gift of presence is, more than anything, taking the time to give a gift that says, “I get you.  I know you.”  In this case, it really is the thought that counts.

Love All

In the same way God showed His love for the whole world in sending His son,  we look for ways to make Christmas — and life —  better for others.  Our church helps sponsor a Christmas Village Toy Store that sells new, donated toys at a steep discount to disadvantaged families so they can have the dignity of giving gifts to their own children.  The church also takes up a special Christmas Eve offering to help spread the Good News of Jesus around the world.  If you’re not affiliated with a church, you can contribute to the Salvation Army, or send Christmas cheer to kids via Operation Christmas Child.

The subtitle of the book The Advent Conspiracy is “Can Christmas Still Change The World?” I believe it can — and it starts with you and me.  A joyous Advent to you.

So how about you?  In what ways are you recovering the joy and meaning of Christmas? Add your comments below.

Note: I have taken a sabbatical from writing new posts to enable me to focus on family and work matters, but I am committed to keep this site up and running. Meanwhile, I read and respond to all comments and correspondence. I’ll resume regular publishing of new content in January.

Mrs. Booth and I celebrated our wedding anniversary this week. I am profoundly thankful for the years we have had together, and I look forward to the years ahead. The institution of marriage has suffered multiple body blows over the past several decades — and the situation is so bad I hear some of you saying you never plan to marry. You may be called to lifelong singleness, but I doubt it. So whether or not you’re able to see yourself married in the future, here are some of the lessons I’ve learned over the past 30-plus years.

Marriage is hard work…

Dating and courtship are generally good things if one remembers that he is seeking a wife. As good as these methods may be, they provide incomplete data. Nothing prepares a couple for the reality of married life. It’s different when you’ve taken vows before God and witnesses to become one for the rest of your life. Critics scoff that it’s “just a piece of paper.” They are wrong. The weight of marriage strips away the prerogatives of consumerism — you can’t legitimately trade in a wife like a used car. And the work of marriage is to work beyond the infatuation of the early years into knowing and being known through every circumstance.

…But it’s worth it

I’d fail you if I lied and said every day was like a cotton-candy scented rainbow. But the challenges my wife and I have overcome together and the high points we’ve also shared have united us in ways I can’t adequately describe. Even when money is short or work is stressing me out, having an intimate ally is a great blessing. And if you have children, having a solid marriage provides them with significant advantages in terms of their spiritual, emotional and intellectual health. All this to say, you can choose this and work toward it, and it will pay off for generations.

Marriage teaches you

Futurist George Gilder said marriage’s function was to civilize men. I don’t agree completely. I have learned over the years that marriage is, as my pastor says, the graduate school of service. If a man is to love his wife as Christ loves the church, there is a great pot of selfishness that has to die. Interestingly, that selfishness can’t die until it gets exposed. That happens in episodes over time.

If you had asked me on my wedding day if I thought I was selfish, I would have said no. I know better now, but I am still learning.

You will be tested

The old-school wedding vows exist for a reason. Our ancestors understood that our mortal condition was going to need some help. This is because hard times will come — maybe more than once. While you’re young and attraction is strong, it’s useful to have a reminder that you promised to hold on through tough times.

In our case, the first trial showed up just before our first anniversary in the form of a serious health diagnosis. It was not my finest hour as a husband. We worked through it largely because we are the sort not to enter into vows lightly. Thanks be to God!

And you will be tested

In a couple of previous posts, I have written about the husband’s role as spiritual head — as the leader — of his family. Going all the way back to the fall of man in the Garden of Eden, we see that one consequence of our fallen condition is that wives will tend toward dominating their husbands. Men who go along with this tendency rather than lovingly leading their wives can expect to see a loss in respect and attraction on the part of their wives. Understand that the tests a wife throws your way are her way of making sure she has chosen — and still has — the best of men. Leading helps her remember.

There is no magic number

A former colleague brought me to this realization when he explained that he and his wife got divorced after 20 years. “How?” I wondered,”Why?” I couldn’t understand how after all that time they could decide they could no longer stand being married to each other. He said they simply grew apart.

I still find that answer unsatisfying, but it galvanized my view that there is no point in your marriage when you can begin to coast or take your wife for granted. As the man, strive always to be your best. This means getting and staying fit, dressing well for your body type, and maintaining your intellectual and spiritual health as well. Continue to grow and you’ll remain interesting. This will help to maintain her attraction to you. And this will motivate her toward all kinds of good things.

It also means you Have a Plan and a mission, and that you invite your wife to join you in your quest. A quiet evening at home can be great for your marriage. Don’t just come home and flop on the couch by default. Have adventures together. Continue to initiate and to pursue her — in and out of the bedroom.

People say passion fades. I disagree.

Your mileage may vary

I have been married to one — and only one — woman, so understand that what my wife likes may or may not be the same as what your wife likes. Getting to know his own wife is a man’s greatest joy. It takes time, but that’s a good thing because you stay married a day at a time — and you’re aiming for a lifetime.

Likewise, measure what I or any man offers in the way of marriage advice against God’s word and use your God-given sense. I am aware that there are pitfalls in and around marriage — and I have been far from perfect as a husband. Still, I cannot imagine my life any other way, and I thank God again for blessing me with such a wife.

So how about you? How do you plan to build a strong and durable marriage? What lessons have you learned? Add your comments below.

You may or may not find yourself in the situations described by David Byrne & co., but if you’re in the US, it’s almost certain you will find yourself sitting down to a grand Thanksgiving dinner later this week. Grandmother and or Mom will break out the fine china and the silverware and in addition to showing your appreciation for all their hard work, you’ll want to show them you’re a gentleman. So today, let’s review table manners.

The main idea

Same as it ever was…

We’ve talked about this before, but the main idea regarding manners is to put the maximum number of people around you at ease. Even if you do something wrong, do not make a big deal of it. If it’s inescapable — for example if you burp loudly and unexpectedly — acknowledge it and apologize with the fewest words possible. Otherwise, don’t call attention to it. Likewise, don’t call attention to the faults of others.

If this is the main holiday meal, make it a point to show up groomed and dressed appropriately. Now, you’re at the table.

What are all these silverware pieces for?

So much of a man’s dining these days is uber-casual, so it can be baffling to sit down in front of what appears to be Aunt Tiffy’s utensil collection. Relax, you can handle this. First: remember the outside-in rule. The pieces in front of you are laid down so you can reach them in the order in which they’ll be used. Too complicated? If salad comes before the entree, your (smaller) salad fork is to the left of your (larger) dinner fork. Your soup or fruit spoon is to the right (outside) your coffee or dessert spoon. See? I told you you can do it.

The napkin

These things don’t require a user’s manual, but here’s the deal: Spread it across your lap the moment you sit down. If you get up during the meal and you’re coming back, leave it folded in your seat. If you’re not coming back, place it beside your plate (not ON the plate). Use your napkin to wipe food residue from your lips (including that Movember work of art) and or your fingertips. If you must cough or sneeze at the table, use it to cover your mouth. But for the love of Mike, do NOT blow your nose into your napkin. In fact, don’t blow your nose at the table. Excuse yourself from the table and go to the bathroom or another room to blow your nose.

Head, shoulders, knees, and toes

Keep all your body parts in their proper places. Sit up straight with your weight on your sit bones and your shoulders back and down. This way you’ll avoid looking like a blob or like you forgot to take the hanger out of your shirt before you put it on.

While the meal is underway, do not rest your elbows on the table — not even one elbow. Between courses, it’s permissible to let one or both hands rest on the table, and even an elbow during after-dinner conversation.

Traffic flow

If your family is like mine, the commencement of the big meal may occur later than you’re used to. In your hunger, the temptation will be to load your plate and devil take the hindmost. If you do this, dish after dish will accumulate at your place, while family members downstream from you will remain unfed. They will fume. This is not good. (Don’t ask me how I know this.) Make it a point to take or not take some of what comes to you, but be sure to pass it to the next person at the table.

Butter your plate, then your bread

If you’re suspending your low-carb eating plan for the meal or the day, here’s how to keep the butter pristine: Slice off what you need and place the pat of butter on your bread plate (at 10 o’clock above your forks) or on the edge of your dinner plate. From there, use your dinner knife to apply the butter to your bread. Break your bread — don’t take a bite out of it. Break off a bite at a time.

Conversation: Keep it Light

You may be a passionate supporter of The Donald. Or of Bernie. Or you may be a member of an anarcho-syndicalist commune. Whatever, dude. When you’re all together around the table, stick to topics that emphasize what you all share. You may be able to persuade Uncle Don to change his political inclination, but I doubt it. He’s a stubborn old guy. But even if he weren’t, the table is no place for an exorcism.

A few extra tips

Do:
Chew with your mouth closed
Express appreciation
Say,  “Please pass the _____,” rather than just reaching for it
Include everyone in the conversation — even the little ones

Don’t:
Talk with your mouth full
Take the last roll without asking
Use profanity or talk about sexual or excretory subjects at the table

Bonus tip: Offer to help clean up after dinner. You might even get nominated for sainthood.

So how about you? What essential should I have included? Add your comment below.

“It shouldn’t have happened.” Those were my wife’s words on Sunday, October 8 — the day she and her siblings, our nephew, and I said goodbye to their mother, his grandmother, my mother-in-law. “It shouldn’t have happened. But it did.”

Just the facts, ma’am

My mother-in-law, Carolyn, and stepfather-in-law, Jack, were in their car Thursday afternoon, October 5, when a truck in the oncoming lane crossed the center line and hit them head-on. Both of them survived the crash but were badly injured and were rushed to the nearest trauma center. Both were conscious when they arrived, by helicopter and ambulance, respectively. And each was asking how the other was  — not about himself or herself. Family rushed to the ICU where they were in rooms next door to each other, to watch, to pray, to let them each know we were there.

Surgical rounds in a trauma ICU are frank. The trauma surgeon explains how the patient came by her injuries, and then lists them along with what they are doing already and what they plan to do next. My mother-in law’s condition had to stabilize before the surgeon could do anything else.

The next morning, Carolyn was stable, but too frail for surgery. At 3:00 Sunday morning, her heart stopped. Although the nurses were able to restore her pulse, it became clear her heart just couldn’t meet the demands her injuries placed on it, We were going to have to say goodbye.  And at 7:22 that morning, after each of us there had a few moments alone with her, Carolyn Lakes entered the Larger life.

In loving memory

I’m telling you these things for reasons I hope to make clear, but I want this to be a tribute to the wonderful woman who was my mother-in-law. Comedians and musicians have long made fun of the fraught relationship between a husband and his wife’s mother. I never got those jokes. From the first time I met Carolyn, when Mrs. Booth and I were dating and already serious, she was always welcoming and gracious. And through the nearly 32 years of our marriage, she was loving and supportive and never a giver of unsolicited advice.

Twenty-one years ago, when her beloved husband of 41 years died of cancer, I began telling her, “Come to our house whenever you like. Stay as long as you want.” I meant it, and she knew it. But she had made me feel welcome first, so it was easy to return the favor.

It was around that time that I first expressed my gratitude to her for the godly upbringing she and my father-in-law gave to my wife, her brother, and her sisters. That has been the greatest and most lasting gift from this most loving, generous and faithful woman.

Let me count the ways

If you’ll indulge me, I want to recount some of the things I loved most about my mother-in-law.

• Devoted – Carolyn loved God with her heart, soul, mind, and strength. She served her husband, her family, and her church throughout her life. I expect I’ll always remember the bustling kitchen at holidays, the stacks of books in the family room, and the swarms of people who greeted her in the parish hall after Sunday worship. Her love for God gave her a contagious love for people — and they loved her back.
• Active – Music was a big part Carolyn’s life, and she passed that on to her children and grandchildren. She sang in the church choir for years, and joined a community chorus that performed in the Czech Republic. She remained curious and read and listened daily. It was always interesting to discuss politics or theology with her. She took her positions carefully and argued them with vigor, but never took herself too seriously.
• Joyous – There was never anyone in the family more pleased than my mother-in-law to see the whole family together — laughing, telling stories, and sharing a meal she had prepared. She doted on her grandchildren, and was so proud of each of them. Her gentle laugh was never at anyone’s expense — except for that one time when my sister-in-law’s husband came to visit with two right shoes. He gamely wore them to church and when he knelt at the altar rail, the soles of his feet looked like quotation marks. She laughed ’til she cried — we all did.
• Determined – After she became a widow, she didn’t retreat from life. Instead, she got in her car and drove from Florida to New England and points in between to visit family. She did this multiple times over the years.
• Brave – She had already beaten breast cancer, and when doctors diagnosed her with macular degeneration that threatened her sight, she agreed to try a new therapy that required getting injections into her eyeballs. i kid you not! This was one courageous woman. And always a lady.
• Open to new things – She met and married my stepfather-in-law, Jack, when she was eighty. As unlikely as it sounds, it was the most wonderful love story. It was beautiful the way they loved each other and cared for each other. She stunned her family by becoming a dog person! And she adapted her love of travel to Jack’s passion for RV camping. They went all over — including traveling up to our son’s wedding a few months ago.

I’ve written before on the topic “When You Marry a Mountain Girl, You Marry the Mountain.” In those posts I meant that a man can’t just marry a girl and act like she has no ties. The home she comes from is a big part of your future happiness, so pay attention to those family dynamics. If you believe as I do that marriage is a covenant, you’re pledging to stay together until death parts you. A quarrelsome wife and or a quarrelsome mother-in-law are two burdens you can avoid. And a good relationship with your wife’s family is a blessing and a delight. My wonderful mother-in-law Was proof that it can be done.

I am grateful for the woman Carolyn is, for the home my wife grew up in, for the example of Christian character she modeled before us, for the way she loved my father-in-law, for the way she loved Jack, and for the many ways she loved us. I am thankful we will know each other in eternity and celebrate and remember.

Epilogue

Jack remained in intensive care, until the day of Carolyn’s funeral a month after her death. Jack was able to attend the service before committing to the physical therapy he needed to recover from his injuries. He moved from the home he and Carolyn shared and now lives in a nearby senior living community. He and all of our family would appreciate your prayers.

After Carolyn passed away, Tom Petty’s song “Wildflowers” kept playing in my head. I can’t explain it, but I have found it comforting and hopeful to listen to it. Given that Tom Petty and my mother-in-law had Gainesville, Florida, in common, and that they died within a week of each other, it seems fitting that I offer the following:

So how about you? Whom in your life would you like to honor or remember? Add your comments below.

“Rain and storm and dark skies
Well now they don’t mean a thing
If you got a girl that loves you
And who wants to wear your ring
So c’mon mister trouble
We’ll make it through you somehow
We’ll fill this house with all the love
All that heaven will allow”
-Bruce Springsteen “All That Heaven Will Allow”

I have the privilege of attending a lot of wedding functions.  Many of my paying gigs are wedding receptions, and as a result I get to meet with brides and grooms and get to know them a little.   Sometimes I get to offer recommendations regarding the reception.  So far nobody has asked me what I recommend in the way of wedding vows, but if they did,  I would absolutely recommend the traditional vows as they appear in the Book of Common Prayer:

The priest is dead, the church burned down, the groom lost his hair, but they’re still in love and still married.

The Declaration of Consent

The Celebrant says to the woman

N., will you have this man to be your husband; to live
together in the covenant of marriage?  Will you love him,
comfort him, honor and keep him, in sickness and in health;
and, forsaking all others, be faithful to him as long as you
both shall live?

The Woman answers
I will.

The Celebrant says to the man

N., will you have this woman to be your wife; to live
together in the covenant of marriage?  Will you love her,
comfort her, honor and keep her, in sickness and in health;
and, forsaking all others, be faithful to her as long as you
both shall live?

The Man answers
I will.

 

The Marriage

The Man, facing the woman and taking her right hand in his, says

In the Name of God, I, N., take you, N., to be my wife, to
have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse,
for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to
cherish, until we are parted by death.  This is my solemn vow.

Then they loose their hands, and the Woman, still facing the man, takes
his right hand in hers, and says

In the Name of God, I, N., take you, N., to be my husband,
to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for
worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love
and to cherish, until we are parted by death.  This is my
solemn vow.

The loose their hands.

The Priest may ask God’s blessing on a ring or rings as follows

Bless, O Lord, this ring to be a sign of the vows by which
this man and this woman have bound themselves to each
other; through Jesus Christ our Lord.  Amen.

The giver places the ring on the ring-finger of the other’s hand and says

N., I give you this ring as a symbol of my vow, and with all
that I am, and all that I have, I honor you, in the Name of
the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit (or in the
Name of God).”

First things

Note first that these are vows — solemn promises made first to God, then to each other.  A covenant between the two of you and Almighty God is binding, so the words you speak are important.  I recommend that you and your fiancée study them carefully and mean them when you say them to each other.

Why old-school vows are the best

Did you think I forgot the purpose of this post?  Old-school wedding vows address eight important facets of what marriage is. Here’s my list — feel free to add your insights below:

• Consent

  • — This is a big topic these days.  Traditional vows ask the woman first if she indeed agrees to take her fiancé as her husband.  Then he gets to answer the same question regarding his intention to take her as his wife.

• Duties

  • – Each is to love, comfort, honor and keep the other.  He’s not getting a maid; she’s not getting a butler.

• Faithfulness

  • — Under Heaven, she is to be his highest priority, and he is to be hers.  God is joining you for His purposes and he means for you to remain devoted to each other.  No hall passes or elevator lists.  Nobody on the side.

• Personal

  • – Note the marriage begins with “I, George, take you, Martha, to be my wife.”  The speaking of each other’s names and the choosing of each other verbally is powerful.

• Intimate

  • – “To have and to hold” refers to the importance of the marriage bed over the course of your  life together.  Notice this phrase appears twice in a very short span of time.  It’s that important.

• Exclusive

  • – This is what “forsaking all others” means.  Husbands and wives are to look to each other for the deepest intimacy.  Nobody — not mom and dad, not the kids, not the pastor, not the boss, not former girlfriends, not current friends — is to come before the obligations to love and care for each other

• Forever

  • — “Until we are parted by death” or “As long as we both shall live,” as it is also sometimes said.  Please note: Some couples revise this to “As long as we both shall love.” Barf!  This is essentially saying “I promise until I no longer promise.”  If you can’t commit for life, perhaps you shouldn’t get married.

• No matter what

  • — Notice that the vows spell out the range of conditions a couple can experience — sickness and health; plenty and want; prosperity and adversity — and note that the expectation remains the same regardless of bank balance or blood pressure.

The big idea

If you believe that marriage is given as a sign of the relationship between Christ and the Church, the you can see that the love and devotion due one’s spouse is unconditional.

Someone once asked me, “If you could have all that Heaven is — but without God, would you take it?”  I answered that a Heaven without God would be Hell itself.  It’s a great question for clarifying our motives.

Traditional wedding vows are designed to get at a similar idea.  If health, money, looks, and all the fun dried up, would she be enough?  Would she think you’re enough?   Anything other than a firm yes here spells trouble.

When we perform for newlyweds, I nearly always tell them that marriage is hard work, but it’s worth it.  I stand by that.  If you and your beloved make solid vows and take them seriously, this will help you do the hard but worthwhile work of marriage.

So how about you? What sort of vows do you plan to use for your wedding and why?  Add your comments below.

“Marriage is the graduate school of service.” – Pastor David Chadwick

I’ve made no secret of my belief in marriage. Mrs. Booth and I have been married for nearly 32 years, with the struggles and joys that come with being married that long. It has been and is a great thing and I love being married to my wife.

And I admit that the climate for marriage in the west is hostile in many ways. From taxes that penalize marriage economically, to family courts that incentivize women to file for divorce from their husbands, to cultural Marxist feminism that seeks to destroy “the patriarchy” by destroying men, there is plenty of evidence to support a man’s decision not to marry. But let’s revisit one of my favorite axioms:

Abuse doesn’t invalidate use.

Marriage is to be kept pure…

The occasions when men commit murder with hammers doesn’t justify banning hammers or outlawing carpentry. The widespread misuse of the institution of marriage — from cohabitation and out-of-wedlock births, through frivolous no-fault divorce — doesn’t mean that marriage has forfeited its divine purpose.

Back to the beginning

If we look to the creation narrative in the second chapter of the Old Testament book of Genesis, we see that God had created the universe, placing man, whom he had made in his own image, at the top of the created order. God pronounced it good. But when he saw that he had made suitable mates for all the other creatures except man, God said, “it is not good that man should be alone.”

After evaluating every other type of creature and not finding a mate, a companion, a wife for the man, Adam, God did something remarkable. He put Adam to sleep and took flesh and bone from his side, making from them a woman, whom Adam called Eve. Note that up to this point, Adam was the bearer of the full imago dei — the image of God. In this, Adam reflected masculinity and femininity as God does. But when God created Eve to be Adam’s helper, his (in Hebrew) ezer kenegdo — literally his “life saver” — God split into two parts the imago dei, investing maleness and masculine strength in the man and investing femaleness and feminine beauty and tenderness in the woman. This is important, because Genesis 2:24-25 says this:

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

This one-flesh union, this intimate knowing, free of guilt and shame is the heart of marriage.

Breaking it down

Note the lack of self-consciousness and self-regard in this first marriage. Their nakedness and vulnerability was not something to exploit for advantage, rather it was open and generous. It cannot have been otherwise, as the one-flesh union would not have existed if Adam had not given himself to Eve, and Eve had not given herself to her husband.

Now it’s broken down

Have you noticed in our culture’s stories how marital sex is nearly always portrayed as a chore to be avoided, while affairs and other forms of sexual behavior appear exciting?  If I say the word monogamy, do you regard the concept as a positive or a negative one? Why? If you’re married, did your friends try to talk you out of it, citing the endless novelty of hookups compared to loving one woman for life? Part of this inversion is the distortion of our world through sin. So a loyal wife seems boring to her husband, compared to the women at his office, and an aloof cad is seemingly irresistible compared to a wife’s dependable husband.  This is why King Solomon wrote in Proverbs 9:16, “Stolen water is sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant.” But note this: Just because a forbidden thing is appealing doesn’t mean you shouldn’t avoid it. (See also poison mushrooms.)

Reacquiring the trail

If you dread the idea of marriage, in the present or the future, I want to encourage you to re-establish a biblical view of marriage. First, note that biblical marriage is a covenant rather than a contract. This is not a legal instrument between two consenting parties that can be broken at will. Among God’s people, a covenant is a binding, irrevocable joining between God and his people. There are obligations, but failure to perform doesn’t justify an exit.

It is true that you have the duty of spiritual headship, and the responsibility to shepherd, protect, and provide for your wife and children, and those obligations demand lifelong faithfulness. It is also true that you can expect to enjoy the marriage bed — sex — with your wife and the two of you have a responsibility to maintain this aspect of your marriage — especially when kiddos enter the picture. Check out Proverbs 5:15-19 for just one biblical encouragement in this area.

The ratio

Before Mrs. Booth and I married, an older friend took me aside and said, “I know you think marriage is a 50/50 proposition. It isn’t. It’s 100/100. It takes both of you giving it 100% for it to work.” I have learned that friend was 100% correct. And this brings us to service.

A generous spirit requires bravery

An unpleasant aspect of our times is the wariness that leads to near-constant score-keeping. We are willing to give, as long as we get, but heaven help the one who takes and never gives. Does that sound familiar? In marriage, we have to overcome the fear and serve each other generously. Even if you’re afraid you won’t get anything out of it, serve.

In Paul’s letter to the church at Ephesus, the apostle instructed wives to submit to their husbands, but he instructed husbands to love their wives the way Christ loved the church. In case you’re unfamiliar with the story, he died for her. Obviously, marriage is one of those things where you must be present to win, so what does this sacrificial service look like in the realm of mortals?

Here’s an example

In the fewest words, it means put others first. If you do this, God notices. And He is able to reward you. But I promised you an example.

If you haven’t seen the video for Andra Day’s song Rise Up, it’s a great portrayal of loving service in the context of marriage. Please watch this now. I’ll wait

This video, directed by M. Night Shyamalan, conveys so much truth, and Andra Day’s vocal performance drives it home. Note the wife pouring out her life for the husband who can no longer hold her. Though her reward would seem slight compared to what she — and he — expected when they first married, this is a shining example of loving and giving 100%.

And notice, also, how the husband doesn’t quit, either. He gives the strength he has, and she appreciates it. Good art with a true message!

Not just true in stories

You may argue that Shyamalan could tell the story any way he wants, and that the video is a made-up story. Fair enough, but I have a pastor friend whose wife has Multiple Sclerosis and he serves his wife in the same manner. He cares for her and loves her like Christ loves the church — the way he promised to when they wed. And he’s not the only man I know who has cared for his wife this way. I have written before about old-school wedding vows, and this is where they prove their worth.

I know there is great risk in getting married these days. The statistics, as we’ve noted, are grim. But it is also possible to find godly, virtuous women who want to be married to godly and masculine spiritual leaders. So for God’s sake (literally), lead, love, and serve. Your children need the stability that only a covenant marriage can provide them.

God would not have commanded this of husbands if men weren’t capable of doing it. If you aren’t that sort of man yet, stick around and learn how to be one. Or message me and let’s start a discussion.

It is not good for the man to be alone, but it also important to marry the kind of woman who will stick by you — and by whom you’ll stick — when the storms come. It can be done!

So how about you? How are you leading and serving in your marriage, or preparing to lead and serve in your marriage? Add your comments below.

“I could never take a chance
Of losing love to find romance
In the mysterious distance
Between a man and a woman.”    -U2

As the saying goes, men think about sex roughly every seven seconds.  Sometimes it can seem like more frequently than that!  Whether that is the reason or not, our entertainment, our politics and even our spiritual life is influenced in some way by sex.  Everybody knows sex is a big deal, but why is this so?  Here are four reasons:

They were made for each other!

It’s Hard-wired Biology

The biological drive is an essential part of our design.  Human beings and animals alike have powerful urges to reproduce.  In our 21st century western abundance, we are less consciously concerned with passing along our genetic material, but we are still able to be influenced, even controlled by our ids.  Consider the number of ads that appeal to our curiosity or desire using sexual or suggestive images, and it’s clear we are in the grip of something powerful

It’s High-Stakes

Sex is a big deal because it has far-reaching consequences in nearly every case.  This is as it should be with anything so valuable.  Think first about the proper (i.e., moral) uses of sex.  First, procreation is not a bug; it’s a feature.  Anything that can result in new life is undeniably powerful.  Second, the marriage bed is intended to strengthen the bonds between a husband and wife.  Marriage as designed by God and explained in scripture is intended to be a covenant that lasts as long as he and she live.  Given all the ways two people can disagree, this unifying aspect of sex is necessarily strong.

Another facet of this unifying effect is the physiochemical bonding that occurs through sexual contact.  In intercourse, the man’s seed contains substances that cause the woman to bond with him.  Under ideal circumstances, her husband will be the only one to be sexually intimate with her, and she will bond only with him.  Also, their sexual union combines their microbiomes — the microorganisms that live in and on you, but aren’t you.

The misuse of sex doesn’t mean that it no longer has a legitimate purpose, but this misuse also carries significant consequences.  Out of wedlock births now account for 41% of live births in the US, and roughly half of US children are growing up in single-parent homes.  The resulting fatherlessness affects young men in ways we are only beginning to recognize.  All because of the misappropriation of sex.  Let’s also note that epidemics of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) mean that you have better odds playing Russian roulette.  The dangers of misusing sex also include stalkers and jealous lovers.

As I mentioned above, in addition to fertilizing an ovum, a man’s semen promotes pair bonding.  If however a woman has had multiple sex partners, this effect can be diminished, as she effectively becomes inoculated.  A study I have read suggests that a woman’s likelihood of divorcing her husband increases dramatically according to the number of her prior sex partners (her “N”). An N greater than two results in a 54% probability of divorce — and it increases from there.  Choose wisely, men.

It’s Transcendent

Sex as a part of marriage is an earthly — and earthy —  picture of divine love.  Theologically astute readers will recognize that the book of Revelation in the Bible refers to the wedding supper of the lamb at the end of days.  This describes the union of Christ and His bride, the church.  The physical union of a man and his wife is also a spiritual joining — of the two becoming one.  Their climax takes each beyond himself or herself, fulfilling not only the desire for release, but also the deep desire for transcendence itself.  No wonder it occupies so much of our thought life.

It’s Private and It’s Everybody’s Business

We hold sex in such high regard because it is the most intimate and exclusive of relationships..  In its particulars, it is absolutely meant to be shared only by the husband and the wife.  At the same time, their community has a vital interest in their proper use of sex.  This is because the formation of stable families is the best method for ensuring a stable and harmonious culture.  Applied faithfully and intentionally, the biblical model for the family is demonstrably better for the rearing of healthy, well-adjusted and moral children.

As I’ve said in a previous post, sex is like a river.  Within its banks, it can give life to an entire community.  If it exceeds its banks, the devastation that results can destroy individuals, families and communities, if not nations.

So how about you?  Recognizing that sex is a big deal, how do you intend to keep it in its proper place?  Share your thoughts below.

“There is a me you would not recognize…” – Over the Rhine from Latter Days

In my previous post on identity, I warned against the rise of the impostor, also known as the false self. If you’re like me and most of the men I’ve met, you have either overcome the false self, or you are living the life of the false self.

What is this False Self you speak of?

Different teachers have called it different names — the False Self, the Impostor, the Poser — but it’s all the same thing. A wounded man — and let’s face it, we’re all wounded to some degree — seeks to cover his vulnerability by building on his natural abilities. He seeks out opportunities to excel where his giftedness won’t betray him, and avoids environments where he fears he might be exposed. It’s a way of rigging the game, of stacking his schedule with less-than-challenging opponents.

The result can be quite convincing for a while. Casual acquaintances may never catch on. But inside the man is miserable and increasingly angry — and unfortunately, he spreads his misery to his wife and children. I know, because I lived it.

My False Self – a not-very-cool origin story

I’ve written and spoken before of how I was named for my paternal grandfather and how he taught me so many good things. As I child, I idolized him. There was nothing he couldn’t do. I wanted to be like him, and his approval was everything.

There is a me you would not recognize…

After my parents separated when I was ten, we moved back to my parents’ hometown — an hour away from my dad. My grandfather became that much more important to me, in his influence and proximity. I spent many Saturdays at his elbow, working in the yard, repairing things around the house — learning a lot of the very useful things men learned from their fathers and grandfathers.

On many of these occasions, my grandfather would send me to his shop or his storage shed to bring a tool, a fastener, or some other needed part to him. He would explain what it looked like, and where to look for it. He would always ask if I understood. If I said I didn’t, we’d go through it again. Most of the time, I found the item and brought it back straightaway. Other times I’d get distracted and come back without it. Sometimes it wouldn’t be where he said it would be. But sometimes, I lied and said I knew what he was talking about so he’d think well of me.

On one of those latter occasions, I returned without the thing he sent me to get. Exasperated, he look at me disgustedly and said, “You haven’t got the sense God gave a goose.” I didn’t cry. I didn’t complain. But I was devastated. In some ways that one remark was a greater wound than the one dealt by the death of my parents’ marriage. This was because I knew that my parents’ impending divorce was not my doing. Even though it was like a wildfire wrapped in a tornado in an earthquake, I knew it wasn’t my fault. By contrast, my grandfather’s disapproval and his harsh words — directed at me  — delivered a blow to my heart.

As a result, I became the competent one. I was going to have an answer — the answer — and I was never going to be unprepared or feel that humiliated again. I threw myself into striving. I sought approval everywhere. School was easy, and it provided ready feedback. I’ve always been good with words, so verbal jousting and bantering was an easy way to establish my place in the pack. I was active in scouting, so again it was  easy to tick off requirements and earn badges. Ultimately, the false self made me an addict — and approval was my drug of choice.

Years later, when I became a follower of Jesus, I concealed the pain that had shaped me. I was able to pick up the dialect and the false self let me hide in the context of the church. I appeared to be a capable leader

I was nearly 40 years old by the time I understood what had happened and why I was trapped in a prison of rules (conformity), approval — and my “favorite,” the fear of failure. looking back it is easy to see. But I was young at the time and badly hurt. And the ones who should have helped me overcome this woundedness to help me see my true identity on the other side of this — were the two men who wounded me.

Ultimately, my story had a happy ending, as I admitted to God and myself that I was damaged, and He began healing me. Part of the way my pain was redeemed was the process of masculine initiation I undertook with each of my sons. Part of it was committing to honoring the vows I made to my wife. Part of it was realizing that my grandfather and my father were wounded themselves and forgiving them. And part of it is in writing this blog to help those of you with a similar story find the joy and freedom of your true identity.

Those gifts you’re leaning on are good gifts. Your mistake is thinking they define who you are. They were meant to emanate from your identity, not take its place.

The Unbearable Lightness of Being

When you live according to external appearances — and you stake your identity on what you have and or what you do, you are falling into the trap of ontological lightness. It sounds paradoxical to say that the way through pain is to admit how bad it hurts, but I know it to be true because that is the path I took. Even though my healing came over 15 years ago, there are still times when I am tempted to fall back on the false self, the all-capable one. Then I remember.

As I hope you see, living according to the false self  is exhausting. You can never let down your guard or else someone — the dreaded and ubiquitous “they” — will see you’re a poser. It’s like the doofus on the beach trying to appear more muscular by sucking in his gut. Eventually, he has to let it out. Based on my experience, it’s better to surrender your mask than to have it stripped from you. And that is what God, our Father, wants to do for you, His sons.

I am healed and I am free, and I want you to have the same freedom to live from your redeemed heart. If I can do it, you know it can be done.

So how about you? In what ways have you grown tired of the false self? You can add your comments below (anonymously, if you’d like).

“Nothing comes from nothing. Nothing ever could” — Richard Rogers (“Something Good”)

“Not the Baby Jesus Play Set!”

• Making memories and sharing experiences that strengthen bonds — Recalling good times brings kind and affectionate feelings to the fore, making family dynamics more peaceful.
• Establishing and reinforcing family identity — We know and embrace our own by the practices and beliefs we share.  It’s called the family circle for a reason.
• Creating a sense of home — The songs we sing, the foods we eat together, the smells of the season are powerful reminders that there is a place in the world where you’re loved, accepted and always welcome.
• Reinforcing our values — It’s very hard to separate who we are from what we do. The things we hold in high regard become obvious according to the ways we allocate our time and resources.
• Generating stories and family lore — This is the birthplace of great tales of running jokes that go on for decades.  I suspect my sons will someday say to their children regarding the manger scenes in their homes: “It’s not the Baby Jesus Play Set!”  As you can see, not all traditions are created on purpose — that’s where those great stories come from.

• As I mentioned above, we have a crèche that we set out at the start of Advent.  It was pretty much just Jesus, Mary and Joseph at first, but over the past several years, we’ve added a new figure each year.  The Three Wise Men came as a set, though.
• We always attend our church’s Christmas Eve service.  At the service there’s a special offering for a worthwhile ministry effort and we always plan beforehand how much to give.
• For the past several years, we’ve gone out to dinner following the Christmas Eve service to enjoy a feast of Peking Duck.  Perhaps the movie “A Christmas Story” (another tradition) may have influenced this choice, but it gives our kitchen the night off before a day of heavy use.  The crisp skin of Peking Duck — and even the thought of it — makes me think of Christmas.
• When we return home following the meal, we all bring the presents we’re giving and place them under the tree.  None appear there before — it’s a tradition we’ve kept since even before we implemented The Advent Conspiracy.
• This is followed by the hanging of Christmas stockings, some photographs and — in spite of all good sense — a late bedtime.

So how about you?  What are some of your favorite Christmas traditions?  Add your comments below.