You may or may not find yourself in the situations described by David Byrne & co., but if you’re in the US, it’s almost certain you will find yourself sitting down to a grand Thanksgiving dinner later this week. Grandmother and or Mom will break out the fine china and the silverware and in addition to showing your appreciation for all their hard work, you’ll want to show them you’re a gentleman. So today, let’s review table manners.

The main idea

Same as it ever was…

We’ve talked about this before, but the main idea regarding manners is to put the maximum number of people around you at ease. Even if you do something wrong, do not make a big deal of it. If it’s inescapable — for example if you burp loudly and unexpectedly — acknowledge it and apologize with the fewest words possible. Otherwise, don’t call attention to it. Likewise, don’t call attention to the faults of others.

If this is the main holiday meal, make it a point to show up groomed and dressed appropriately. Now, you’re at the table.

What are all these silverware pieces for?

So much of a man’s dining these days is uber-casual, so it can be baffling to sit down in front of what appears to be Aunt Tiffy’s utensil collection. Relax, you can handle this. First: remember the outside-in rule. The pieces in front of you are laid down so you can reach them in the order in which they’ll be used. Too complicated? If salad comes before the entree, your (smaller) salad fork is to the left of your (larger) dinner fork. Your soup or fruit spoon is to the right (outside) your coffee or dessert spoon. See? I told you you can do it.

The napkin

These things don’t require a user’s manual, but here’s the deal: Spread it across your lap the moment you sit down. If you get up during the meal and you’re coming back, leave it folded in your seat. If you’re not coming back, place it beside your plate (not ON the plate). Use your napkin to wipe food residue from your lips (including that Movember work of art) and or your fingertips. If you must cough or sneeze at the table, use it to cover your mouth. But for the love of Mike, do NOT blow your nose into your napkin. In fact, don’t blow your nose at the table. Excuse yourself from the table and go to the bathroom or another room to blow your nose.

Head, shoulders, knees, and toes

Keep all your body parts in their proper places. Sit up straight with your weight on your sit bones and your shoulders back and down. This way you’ll avoid looking like a blob or like you forgot to take the hanger out of your shirt before you put it on.

While the meal is underway, do not rest your elbows on the table — not even one elbow. Between courses, it’s permissible to let one or both hands rest on the table, and even an elbow during after-dinner conversation.

Traffic flow

If your family is like mine, the commencement of the big meal may occur later than you’re used to. In your hunger, the temptation will be to load your plate and devil take the hindmost. If you do this, dish after dish will accumulate at your place, while family members downstream from you will remain unfed. They will fume. This is not good. (Don’t ask me how I know this.) Make it a point to take or not take some of what comes to you, but be sure to pass it to the next person at the table.

Butter your plate, then your bread

If you’re suspending your low-carb eating plan for the meal or the day, here’s how to keep the butter pristine: Slice off what you need and place the pat of butter on your bread plate (at 10 o’clock above your forks) or on the edge of your dinner plate. From there, use your dinner knife to apply the butter to your bread. Break your bread — don’t take a bite out of it. Break off a bite at a time.

Conversation: Keep it Light

You may be a passionate supporter of The Donald. Or of Bernie. Or you may be a member of an anarcho-syndicalist commune. Whatever, dude. When you’re all together around the table, stick to topics that emphasize what you all share. You may be able to persuade Uncle Don to change his political inclination, but I doubt it. He’s a stubborn old guy. But even if he weren’t, the table is no place for an exorcism.

A few extra tips

Do:
Chew with your mouth closed
Express appreciation
Say,  “Please pass the _____,” rather than just reaching for it
Include everyone in the conversation — even the little ones

Don’t:
Talk with your mouth full
Take the last roll without asking
Use profanity or talk about sexual or excretory subjects at the table

Bonus tip: Offer to help clean up after dinner. You might even get nominated for sainthood.

So how about you? What essential should I have included? Add your comment below.

“Nothing comes from nothing. Nothing ever could” — Richard Rogers (“Something Good”)

“Not the Baby Jesus Play Set!”

• Making memories and sharing experiences that strengthen bonds — Recalling good times brings kind and affectionate feelings to the fore, making family dynamics more peaceful.
• Establishing and reinforcing family identity — We know and embrace our own by the practices and beliefs we share.  It’s called the family circle for a reason.
• Creating a sense of home — The songs we sing, the foods we eat together, the smells of the season are powerful reminders that there is a place in the world where you’re loved, accepted and always welcome.
• Reinforcing our values — It’s very hard to separate who we are from what we do. The things we hold in high regard become obvious according to the ways we allocate our time and resources.
• Generating stories and family lore — This is the birthplace of great tales of running jokes that go on for decades.  I suspect my sons will someday say to their children regarding the manger scenes in their homes: “It’s not the Baby Jesus Play Set!”  As you can see, not all traditions are created on purpose — that’s where those great stories come from.

• As I mentioned above, we have a crèche that we set out at the start of Advent.  It was pretty much just Jesus, Mary and Joseph at first, but over the past several years, we’ve added a new figure each year.  The Three Wise Men came as a set, though.
• We always attend our church’s Christmas Eve service.  At the service there’s a special offering for a worthwhile ministry effort and we always plan beforehand how much to give.
• For the past several years, we’ve gone out to dinner following the Christmas Eve service to enjoy a feast of Peking Duck.  Perhaps the movie “A Christmas Story” (another tradition) may have influenced this choice, but it gives our kitchen the night off before a day of heavy use.  The crisp skin of Peking Duck — and even the thought of it — makes me think of Christmas.
• When we return home following the meal, we all bring the presents we’re giving and place them under the tree.  None appear there before — it’s a tradition we’ve kept since even before we implemented The Advent Conspiracy.
• This is followed by the hanging of Christmas stockings, some photographs and — in spite of all good sense — a late bedtime.

So how about you?  What are some of your favorite Christmas traditions?  Add your comments below.

“Nothing comes from nothing. Nothing ever could” — Richard Rogers (“Something Good”)

“Not the Baby Jesus Play Set!”

• Making memories and sharing experiences that strengthen bonds — Recalling good times brings kind and affectionate feelings to the fore, making family dynamics more peaceful.
• Establishing and reinforcing family identity — We know and embrace our own by the practices and beliefs we share.  It’s called the family circle for a reason.
• Creating a sense of home — The songs we sing, the foods we eat together, the smells of the season are powerful reminders that there is a place in the world where you’re loved, accepted and always welcome.
• Reinforcing our values — It’s very hard to separate who we are from what we do. The things we hold in high regard become obvious according to the ways we allocate our time and resources.
• Generating stories and family lore — This is the birthplace of great tales of running jokes that go on for decades.  I suspect my sons will someday say to their children regarding the manger scenes in their homes: “It’s not the Baby Jesus Play Set!”  As you can see, not all traditions are created on purpose — that’s where those great stories come from.

• As I mentioned above, we have a crèche that we set out at the start of Advent.  It was pretty much just Jesus, Mary and Joseph at first, but over the past several years, we’ve added a new figure each year.  The Three Wise Men came as a set, though.
• We always attend our church’s Christmas Eve service.  At the service there’s a special offering for a worthwhile ministry effort and we always plan beforehand how much to give.
• For the past several years, we’ve gone out to dinner following the Christmas Eve service to enjoy a feast of Peking Duck.  Perhaps the movie “A Christmas Story” (another tradition) may have influenced this choice, but it gives our kitchen the night off before a day of heavy use.  The crisp skin of Peking Duck — and even the thought of it — makes me think of Christmas.
• When we return home following the meal, we all bring the presents we’re giving and place them under the tree.  None appear there before — it’s a tradition we’ve kept since even before we implemented The Advent Conspiracy.
• This is followed by the hanging of Christmas stockings, some photographs and — in spite of all good sense — a late bedtime.

So how about you?  What are some of your favorite Christmas traditions?  Add your comments below.

“Ballroom dancing made a man of me.”
-Paul McCartney

The mission of this blog is to motivate and inspire you to embrace Thriving Authentic Masculinity and to become the best possible version of yourself.  Toward that end, we engage topics that affect your physical, emotional and spiritual health, along with subjects that can help you excel socially — like this and this.  If you want to attract a quality woman — or to maintain attraction with the one you have, let me recommend ballroom dancing for your edification.

This guy’s got it! Now all he needs is his partner.

A generation ago, parents sent their adolescent sons and daughters to Cotillion to learn etiquette and how to dance.  Stripped of its artifice, I see now that it was designed to provide some external reinforcement of social norms and niceties, but also to make introductions between young men and young women, with hopes that eventually some might become husbands and wives.  (I said it was a long time ago.)

Every Friday night for twelve weeks, we would all crowd into our town’s Masonic Temple — boys on one side, girls on the other — and learn the Foxtrot, the waltz, the cha-cha and the shag (a Carolinas variant of the western swing and or the jitterbug).  The instructors, a married couple older than our parents, would cue up the same records each week for each dance, and our respective ranks would imitate our human avatars.  It was mildly interesting, but then they told us to walk to the center of the room and “pair up” with the person in front of us.

Now it was no longer theory.  You had to actually dance with a girl and it had to be good.  The pairs would only last as long as a song.  After that, the instructors commanded us to change partners and each of us moved to our right to dance with the girl next to our former partner.  No picking favorites.  no skipping.  From what I’ve read, speed dating uses a similar model.

After our twelve weeks of instruction, we were invited to a dance at the Country Club where we and our “dates” got to show our parents what we had learned.

It wasn’t long after this that disco became popular and ballroom dancing à la Cotillion was over.  Nearly twenty years later when my brother-in-law got engaged, his fiancée was a professional singer, and they told their invited guests that her big band would perform at the reception.  To get ready, my wife and I enrolled in a ballroom dancing course at the local community college.

Once again, the men lined up on one side of the room (a high school cafeteria this time), women on the other, and we learned the Foxtrot, the waltz, the cha-cha, the western swing and the Rhumba. It meant so much more to take the class with my wife and — here’s the best part — we still have occasion to use those steps from time to time.

Here’s what ballroom dancing can teach you:

• The man must lead. — Only one partner can lead the dance — traditionally it’s the man.  It isn’t just an honorary role, and it isn’t patriarchal.  No, to lead in the dance, a man must guide his partner with his hands, his body, his eyes.  A little pressure on the hip, a little change in the grip — all of it has significance.  Dancing well means leading well, and if the woman you’re dancing with is a good dancer, she’ll follow your lead.
• Learn the steps.  — Confidence is attractive.  Being unsure is not.  Will you dance perfectly?  Probably not, and most assuredly not over the course of an entire evening.  If you’re solid on the five dances above, you can spend a delightful evening with a beautiful woman in your arms.
• Feel the music. — This can be hard to explain, but for dancing, music is not so much about hearing the music with your ears, or counting the rhythm in your mind.  Instead, it’s about feeling it.  If you’re not musical, or if you aren’t particularly good at keeping time, you can count beats while you’re listening to music, or go further and download a metronome app and become familiar with different rhythms and tempos.  Learn to hear with your body.
• Don’t look at your feet. — To lead properly on the dance floor, you must be aware of your partner and where the two of you are relative to other couples on the dance floor. If for no other reason, you need to avoid looking at your feet.  Stand up to your full height and look into your partner’s eyes as you lead her.  Smile even if she steps on your new Johnston and Murphys.  You’ll become more attractive to her. Honest.
• Style doesn’t cost extra. — If you’ve invited your date to a dance, look the part.  You don’t have to wear a suit and tie, but if you do, you don’t have to keep the jacket on all evening.  You’ll likely perspire if you stay on the dance floor.  This means a man should show  up properly groomed. Good grooming is mostly about eliminating excess — excess wrinkles, excess scuff marks, excess sweat, excess hair, excess odor — you get the idea.
• It’s your job to make her look good. — In the same way your leading isn’t chauvinistic, making her look good isn’t putting her on a pedestal.  It is simply the etiquette of the thing.  This is the same reason men wear tuxedos to formal events and women wear ball gowns, and why it’s a big deal if two women show up in the same outfit. To make her look good, review the items above and lead.  Lead her onto the dance floor, take her in your arms as is appropriate for the type of dance, and don’t attempt any spins, turns, dips or flips if she doesn’t know how to execute them.  You can always take a course together. If she’s not your date for the evening, when the song ends escort her off the dance floor and thank her for the dance. That’s rockin’ it Cotillion-style!
• Enjoy the dance. — Dancing is supposed to be fun, so do all the hard work before you show up at the next dance. If you’re at an event unescorted where there are other unescorted women, asking a woman to dance can be a great icebreaker. (That’s how I met my wife.) If you have mastered the basics and can lead with confidence, all you have to do from there is to be able to carry on a conversation. You never know where it can take you, but if you do it right you’ll have a partner.

So how about you? How would learning ballroom dancing help you become the best possible version of yourself? Add your comments below.

“We three kings of Orient are,
Bearing gifts, we traverse afar…”

This week marks the Feast of the Epiphany — the observance of the arrival of the Wise Men who came to worship the baby Jesus. Now, the date is not exact, and it’s exceedingly unlikely that the wise men arrived on the night Jesus was born (although the shepherds certainly did), and there may have been three or more wise men. Also, tradition –not the Bible — says their names were Gaspar, Balthasar, and Melchior. But again, we don’t know.

The wise men from my house

What we do know

The Magi were astrologers from the countries east of Israel. They studied the night sky and the significance of what they saw there. The Good News according to Matthew explains that they saw a celestial phenomenon that foretold the birth of a king. Here — you can read it yourself (It’ll be good for you!):

The Visit of the Wise Men

2 Now after Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Judea in the days of Herod the king, behold, wise men from the east came to Jerusalem, ² saying, “Where is he who has been born king of the Jews? For we saw his star when it rose and have come to worship him.” ³ When Herod the king heard this, he was troubled, and all Jerusalem with him; ⁴ and assembling all the chief priests and scribes of the people, he inquired of them where the Christ was to be born. ⁵ They told him, “In Bethlehem of Judea, for so it is written by the prophet:

⁶ “‘And you, O Bethlehem, in the land of Judah,
    are by no means least among the rulers of Judah;
for from you shall come a ruler
    who will shepherd my people Israel.’”

⁷ Then Herod summoned the wise men secretly and ascertained from them what time the star had appeared. ⁸ And he sent them to Bethlehem, saying, “Go and search diligently for the child, and when you have found him, bring me word, that I too may come and worship him.” ⁹ After listening to the king, they went on their way. And behold, the star that they had seen when it rose went before them until it came to rest over the place where the child was. ¹⁰ When they saw the star, they rejoiced exceedingly with great joy. ¹¹ And going into the house they saw the child with Mary his mother, and they fell down and worshiped him. Then, opening their treasures, they offered him gifts, gold and frankincense and myrrh. ¹² And being warned in a dream not to return to Herod, they departed to their own country by another way.” – Matthew 2:1-12 (ESV)

What the wizards knew

Seek truth relentlessly – If these ancient sages hadn’t been attending to their studies, the events of Christmas could have passed them by.

Act on what you know – When the star of Bethlehem appeared, they understood its significance, so they headed out to follow its leading. They didn’t have all the facts or perfect directions, but they began. We too need to have a bias toward informed action. As General and former Secretary of State Colin Powell  — who was wise for other reasons — has said, “Once the information is in the 40 to 70 range, go with your gut.”

Ask your questions at the highest level possible – The Wise Men, accustomed to attending and advising kings, sought the Roman-appointed Tetrarch, Herod — the “king” of the Jewish population — to ask where they could find the newborn King of the Jews.  Herod’s advisers, familiar as they were with Hebrew prophecy, directed these men of the East to Bethlehem — where the Messiah was to be born. This had to be less frustrating than the “I don’t live around here” answer that marked the pre-Siri era.

Bow to greatness – The text says they followed the star to Bethlehem and the house where the Holy Family was staying and they were overjoyed. And when they went into the house and saw Mary with Jesus, they prostrated themselves before him. They fell at his feet in worship and adoration. Even confident, accomplished men need Someone — or something — to worship. These astrologers sought the King, and when they found Him, they worshiped Him. We should do no less.

Worship at your own expense – The precious gifts the magi offered may or may not have been symbolic, but they were the sort of expensive gifts one would give to a king. We do not hear that the voyage of the wise men was sponsored by a rich patron or another ruler, although Herod tried to co-opt their mission.

Instead, these wizards opened their own treasures and worshiped Jesus with their hearts and souls, but also from their own wealth. Genuine worship requires more than halfhearted attention.

Remain agile – Despite Herod’s request that the Wise Men return to tell him where they found Jesus, they received a warning in a dream to return home by a road that kept them far from Herod. We all have plans, but wisdom is knowing when those plans need changing or even scrapping.

Some people who seem furthest from you can be your greatest allies – Virtually everyone else we meet in the accounts of Jesus’ is Jewish. Although one of them may have been Jewish, it’s likely that two of the Wise men were gentiles — that is, non-Jews. This suggests that from the very first Christmas, God was about bringing salvation to all nations. The Wise Men may have been the first gentile converts! Don’t you imagine they told their countrymen what they had seen?

These days we worry and fret and fear those who are different from us. But consider that some of those same people may be seeking Truth — and we can help them find Him. A blessed Epiphany to you.

So how about you? What lessons do you take from the example of the Wise Men? Add your comments below.

“I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought; and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder.”- G.K. Chesterton

I absolutely love the point he is making here — namely, everything is amazing and nobody is happy. We’re surrounded by marvels, and we look at them through a telescope backwards – making them seem more remote. It shouldn’t be that way.

Count your blessings

A frank assessment

Have you suffered a blow to the head?

Here’s my list

• Health – I thank God for the health I have. About ten years ago I injured my back body surfing. Since then I’ve avoided surgery while getting stronger and more flexible. There are certain sports I have to avoid from now on, but I am thankful for all I can do.
• Family – I thank God for the family I have. For the values and resilience I learned, for the love I’ve received, and for the challenges I’ve overcome, I give thanks.
• Work – I thank God for the education, skills and experience I’ve acquired through the course of my life — and for the opportunity to use them to provide for my family — I give thanks.
• Leisure – I thank God for the instruments and the talent He has entrusted to me, and for the time He has given me to devote to making music.
• A Platform – I thank God for the ability and the will He has given me to communicate these thoughts to you, and I give Him thanks for those of you who take the time to read and to respond.
• Church – I thank God for the joy of being part of a healthy, well-balanced church, and for the opportunity to participate in its leadership. I thank Him for the freedom to proclaim and to serve and to make a difference in our community and in other countries.
• Technology – I thank God for the ingenuity that has improved and extended our lives. Fairly often, I read about a new invention or learn about a new medical treatment and I think, “What a time to be alive!” From iPhones to cures for certain types of cancer, there is no better time than now for human flourishing.
• The Future – I thank God that in my worst circumstances, He gets the last word. No matter how dire the diagnosis, how uncertain the market, or how hostile the ruling regime, I can trust my Heavenly Father to work every circumstance out for my good and His glory.

Even when it’s hard

One more thought

So how about you? In the midst of your challenges and frustrations, what are the aspects of your life for which you can thank God? Add your comments below.

Happy Thanksgiving! 

“And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack
And you may find yourself in another part of the world
And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful
wife
And you may ask yourself-Well…How did I get here?” – Talking Heads

You may or may not find yourself in the situations described by David Byrne & co., but if you’re in the US, it’s almost certain you will find yourself sitting down to a grand Thanksgiving dinner later this week. Grandmother and or Mom will break out the fine china and the silverware and in addition to showing your appreciation for all their hard work, you’ll want to show them you’re a gentleman. So today, let’s review table manners.

The main idea

Same as it ever was…

We’ve talked about this before, but the main idea regarding manners is to put the maximum number of people around you at ease. Even if you do something wrong, do not make a big deal of it. If it’s inescapable — for example if you burp loudly and unexpectedly — acknowledge it and apologize with the fewest words possible. Otherwise, don’t call attention to it. Likewise, don’t call attention to the faults of others.

If this is the main holiday meal, make it a point to show up groomed and dressed appropriately. Now, you’re at the table.

What are all these silverware pieces for?

So much of a man’s dining these days is uber-casual, so it can be baffling to sit down in front of what appears to be Aunt Tiffy’s utensil collection. Relax, you can handle this. First: remember the outside-in rule. The pieces in front of you are laid down so you can reach them in the order in which they’ll be used. Too complicated? If salad comes before the entree, your (smaller) salad fork is to the left of your (larger) dinner fork. Your soup or fruit spoon is to the right (outside) your coffee or dessert spoon. See? I told you you can do it.

The napkin

These things don’t require a user’s manual, but here’s the deal: Spread it across your lap the moment you sit down. If you get up during the meal and you’re coming back, leave it folded in your seat. If you’re not coming back, place it beside your plate (not ON the plate). Use your napkin to wipe food residue from your lips (including that Movember work of art) and or your fingertips. If you must cough or sneeze at the table, use it to cover your mouth. But for the love of Mike, do NOT blow your nose into your napkin. In fact, don’t blow your nose at the table. Excuse yourself from the table and go to the bathroom or another room to blow your nose.

Head, shoulders, knees, and toes

Keep all your body parts in their proper places. Sit up straight with your weight on your sit bones and your shoulders back and down. This way you’ll avoid looking like a blob or like you forgot to take the hanger out of your shirt before you put it on.

While the meal is underway, do not rest your elbows on the table — not even one elbow. Between courses, it’s permissible to let one or both hands rest on the table, and even an elbow during after-dinner conversation.

Traffic flow

If your family is like mine, the commencement of the big meal may occur later than you’re used to. In your hunger, the temptation will be to load your plate and devil take the hindmost. If you do this, dish after dish will accumulate at your place, while family members downstream from you will remain unfed. They will fume. This is not good. (Don’t ask me how I know this.) Make it a point to take or not take some of what comes to you, but be sure to pass it to the next person at the table.

Butter your plate, then your bread

If you’re suspending your low-carb eating plan for the meal or the day, here’s how to keep the butter pristine: Slice off what you need and place the pat of butter on your bread plate (at 10 o’clock above your forks) or on the edge of your dinner plate. From there, use your dinner knife to apply the butter to your bread. Break your bread — don’t take a bite out of it. Break off a bite at a time.

Conversation: Keep it Light

You may be a passionate supporter of The Donald. Or of Bernie. Or you may be a member of an anarcho-syndicalist commune. Whatever, dude. When you’re all together around the table, stick to topics that emphasize what you all share. You may be able to persuade Uncle Don to change his political inclination, but I doubt it. He’s a stubborn old guy. But even if he weren’t, the table is no place for an exorcism.

A few extra tips

Do:
Chew with your mouth closed
Express appreciation
Say,  “Please pass the _____,” rather than just reaching for it
Include everyone in the conversation — even the little ones

Don’t:
Talk with your mouth full
Take the last roll without asking
Use profanity or talk about sexual or excretory subjects at the table

Bonus tip: Offer to help clean up after dinner. You might even get nominated for sainthood.

So how about you? What essential should I have included? Add your comment below.

“But it does make a difference if you hurt your friend terribly, risking his eternal ruin! When you hurt your friend, you hurt Christ. A free meal here and there isn’t worth it at the cost of even one of these “weak ones.” So, never go to these idol-tainted meals if there’s any chance it will trip up one of your brothers or sisters.” – St. Paul from 1 Corinthians 8 (MSG)

As I write, the South Carolina legislature is considering whether to remove the Confederate battle flag from the confederate war memorial on the State House grounds. The state Senate voted overwhelmingly in favor, and the straw polling among members of the House of Representatives suggests the results in that chamber will be the same. Governor Nikki Haley has already indicated her willingness to sign such a bill, so it seems the Confederate battle flag will move to the Confederate relic room.

The signals are clear where the flag is concerned. (photo credit: Leeroy)

A little bit of (personal) history

In an earlier post, I explained that I am the great-grandson of a Civil War veteran. My grandfather was the youngest of eleven children born to his father, who had served as a private in the 30th Regiment, North Carolina Infantry. My grandfather was a teenager when his father passed away.

I say this to establish that the war and its significance — and the family ties — are all quite strong, so this is not abstract theory for me. Even though I am proud of my family and I am eligible to join any of the historical societies established for descendents of Confederate soldiers, and even though I could assert a right to display the confederate battle flag, I choose not to do so. I want to explain why by means of the following thought experiment.

The picture on the night table

Imagine for a moment that you’re married and that your wife has decided to place a matted, framed picture of her college boyfriend on the night table beside the bed the two of you share. In addition to finding it bizarre, you find it offensive, especially since you know their relationship was serious and you suspect he may have taken liberties with the woman who is now your wife. And because you love your wife, you have a healthy level of jealousy.

When you express your disapproval, she explains to you that you’re misinterpreting the symbolism and that you don’t understand what a great guy he is. When you counter that you do not approve of the face of her ex-boyfriend gazing over the marriage bed, your marriage bed, she explains she is commemorating a bygone era and some fond memories. When you say that her displaying of the photo suggests she would prefer to be in his arms instead of yours, she says that’s silly — she’s just honoring the past. “And besides, it’s a great picture!”

In a healthy marriage, no such display would take place, and pictures of or with old flames, if any, would be in boxes or photo albums.

Free to choose

I don’t presume to speak for all African-Americans, but I have heard enough of my black friends express views on the Confederate battle flag similar to the husband in the thought experiment above. Whatever virtues the old South possessed — and I would argue that there were many — the Confederate battle flag has been tainted by its connection to the evil of slavery and through its adoption by bigots of the vilest sort.

While I acknowledge and believe in the sincerity and good faith of those who argue “Heritage not Hate,” there are enough instances to the contrary to make the Confederate battle flag an unsuitable symbol. For this reason, I choose not to exercise my liberty or to assert my rights when to do so causes pain to people I love, and I do not support its display on government property. However, I believe private citizens should be free to make up their own minds, just as I have done.

Love your neighbor

In the first century, the issue in the church was whether it was proper for Christians to eat meat that had been sacrificed to idols. Paul the apostle instructed believers in Jesus to understand that their freedom to eat this meat must be tempered by consideration for the well-being of others. When we choose this because we are motivated by the love of God to love our neighbors, it is a beautiful thing.

Where do we go next?

Some people believe this gesture of goodwill from South Carolina should be the beginning of a cultural purge.  In this view, all Confederate monuments — from statues and cemeteries, to public streets, to toys, to cars on television shows, to colleges and universities named for Confederate generals — should be renamed, removed or paved over. I think this is a terrible idea, no matter where you line up.

Let’s agree first that this attempt to erase the past is a fool’s errand. In the age of the internet, it simply won’t work. Second, let’s recognize that this is the sort of book-burning impulse that people on the left used to regard as a hallmark of fascism. Third, note who else in the world is going about destroying ancient monuments. I won’t name names but their initials are I-S-I-L. And last, knowledge of our history — good and bad — is valuable to ensure we learn from the past as we build our common life. That kind of civic-mindedness and genuine grace doesn’t come from compulsory groupthink.

If we ban or eradicate every vestige of the past, we deny ourselves the opportunity to appreciate the tremendous progress we have made as a country. So now we find ourselves at or very near the end of what law can do to make men virtuous. That won’t stop some people, however.

So how about you? How can you show love to your neighbor around this issue? Add your comments below.

“How small, of all that human hearts endure, that part which laws or kings can cause or cure.”
– Oliver Goldsmith

We live in a technocratic age. There seems to be a handy solution to every problem — from the plots of 30 minute TV sitcoms, to the prescription medicine advertisements that sponsor them. If you didn’t take care of the one body you have in your youth, no problem! Here’s a prescription or the address of a surgeon.

While I am thankful for the inventions and breakthroughs that enable us to live longer and in many cases better lives, I want to take our time together to explain why Progress is a false savior.

Health results in growth — the best kind of change

Do Something

In an earlier post, I made the point that innovation should be tempered by natural and moral law — that is, when one is considering what is possible to do, he should ask himself whether it is the right thing to do.

Through much of the 20th century and in this new one, nearly every institution from government to academia to the church promised that a new and better world was just around the corner. Businesses adopted this belief, spending shareholder wealth to promote the ideas that: a) change is inevitable and b) all change is good. In this view, it was always better to do something than to wait and assess the situation.

But is it good?

Certainly it is in the nature of every living thing to grow. Growth is a byproduct of health, so we can argue with some success that if we define change as growth, change is indeed inevitable in a healthy organism. At the same time, I question the notion that all change is good.

Let’s begin with simple logic. Amputation may be necessary to save your life, but the loss of a limb would be a change that was not good. Survival is better than extinction, but a reduction in your physical ability is not better than its continuation.

Progress is a mixed blessing

Technology has made each of us at once more capable and more helpless. We can communicate our thoughts to millions with little more than a smart phone and a network connection. At the same time, we seem less willing — or able? — than ever to do the soul work to live as free people. A recent tweet expressed it this way:

“It was an age when no one could change a tire or sew on a button. But everyone knew exactly how to end injustice.”

It seems we are awash in theoreticians with lofty ideals, but no practical experience. We pontificate from our anonymized ivory towers so we never have to pick up the check when our theories collapse under their own weight, with predictable damages.

Perhaps a movie would help

I have a love/hate relationship with the Disney movie Wall-E. I love it because of its ultimately pro-human message. I hate it because of its deadly accuracy regarding the spiritual dullness of humanity. Each day it seems we get nearer the realization of the movie’s portrayal of an infantilized population of passive adults who are utterly dependent on their overlords for their sustenance and amusement. It doesn’t matter whether the overlords are corporations, the state or their symbiotic spawn, the effect is the same – an enervated people.

Sideshow

Forgive the digression, but when I was a boy, a 300-pound human being was so rare a sight that you’d pay half a dollar to see him or her at a sideshow at the state fair. Now, you can go to Wal-Mart and see dozens of such specimens for free, navigating the aisles on scooters thoughtfully provided by the store. Clearly something has changed among our fellow citizens, but is anyone arguing that this is good?

What’s a man to do?

I write this blog to encourage you — and me — to become the men we were created to be. This is a call for each of us to become first-rate stewards of our bodies, our minds, our spirits and our culture. Does that sound like too much?

I recommend skepticism toward any untested idea — particularly if it comes from a centralized authority. Anglicanism used to posit that orthodoxy rested on a three-legged stool whose legs were scripture, tradition and reason. When your government, your company or even your church proposes some innovation, it is always prudent to analyze the proposal in light of these three.

Think for yourself. Endorse what is good and reject what doesn’t conform. No one but God has unlimited resources, so adopting an unworkable solution can tie up funds and keep you from other, better projects. This is the concept of opportunity cost.

No beneficial change comes by chance. As iconic football coach Vince Lombardi said, “The man on top of the mountain didn’t fall there.” We must know our strength and use it to give life. We must find allies and encourage each other. And we must persevere in the face of opposition — from those who would see us emasculated and enslaved, and from those who are afraid to rock the boat themselves.

We have already lost a great deal through lethargy and through our uncritical acceptance of progressive nostrums. Perhaps it is not too late to re-engage. This is not a project any of us can complete in an afternoon. It is the work of a lifetime. Are you up to the task?

So how about you? How can you begin to realize your full potential as a man? What are you doing now? Add your comments below.

The mission of this blog is to motivate and inspire you to embrace Thriving Authentic Masculinity and to become the best possible version of yourself.  Toward that end, we engage topics that affect your physical, emotional and spiritual health, along with subjects that can help you excel socially — like this and this.  If you want to attract a quality woman — or to maintain attraction with the one you have, let me recommend ballroom dancing for your edification.

This guy’s got it! Now all he needs is his partner.

A generation ago, parents sent their adolescent sons and daughters to Cotillion to learn etiquette and how to dance.  Stripped of its artifice, I see now that it was designed to provide some external reinforcement of social norms and niceties, but also to make introductions between young men and young women, with hopes that eventually some might become husbands and wives.  (I said it was a long time ago.)

Every Friday night for twelve weeks, we would all crowd into our town’s Masonic Temple — boys on one side, girls on the other — and learn the Foxtrot, the waltz, the cha-cha and the shag (a Carolinas variant of the western swing and or the jitterbug).  The instructors, a married couple older than our parents, would cue up the same records each week for each dance, and our respective ranks would imitate our human avatars.  It was mildly interesting, but then they told us to walk to the center of the room and “pair up” with the person in front of us.

Now it was no longer theory.  You had to actually dance with a girl and it had to be good.  The pairs would only last as long as a song.  After that, the instructors commanded us to change partners and each of us moved to our right to dance with the girl next to our former partner.  No picking favorites.  no skipping.  From what I’ve read, speed dating uses a similar model.

After our twelve weeks of instruction, we were invited to a dance at the Country Club where we and our “dates” got to show our parents what we had learned.

It wasn’t long after this that disco became popular and ballroom dancing à la Cotillion was over.  Nearly twenty years later when my brother-in-law got engaged, his fiancée was a professional singer, and they told their invited guests that her big band would perform at the reception.  To get ready, my wife and I enrolled in a ballroom dancing course at the local community college.

Once again, the men lined up on one side of the room (a high school cafeteria this time), women on the other, and we learned the Foxtrot, the waltz, the cha-cha, the western swing and the Rhumba. It meant so much more to take the class with my wife and — here’s the best part — we still have occasion to use those steps from time to time.

Here’s what ballroom dancing can teach you:

• The man must lead. — Only one partner can lead the dance — traditionally it’s the man.  It isn’t just an honorary role, and it isn’t patriarchal.  No, to lead in the dance, a man must guide his partner with his hands, his body, his eyes.  A little pressure on the hip, a little change in the grip — all of it has significance.  Dancing well means leading well, and if the woman you’re dancing with is a good dancer, she’ll follow your lead.
• Learn the steps.  — Confidence is attractive.  Being unsure is not.  Will you dance perfectly?  Probably not, and most assuredly not over the course of an entire evening.  If you’re solid on the five dances above, you can spend a delightful evening with a beautiful woman in your arms.
• Feel the music. — This can be hard to explain, but for dancing, music is not so much about hearing the music with your ears, or counting the rhythm in your mind.  Instead, it’s about feeling it.  If you’re not musical, or if you aren’t particularly good at keeping time, you can count beats while you’re listening to music, or go further and download a metronome app and become familiar with different rhythms and tempos.  Learn to hear with your body.
• Don’t look at your feet. — To lead properly on the dance floor, you must be aware of your partner and where the two of you are relative to other couples on the dance floor. If for no other reason, you need to avoid looking at your feet.  Stand up to your full height and look into your partner’s eyes as you lead her.  Smile even if she steps on your new Johnston and Murphys.  You’ll become more attractive to her. Honest.
• Style doesn’t cost extra. — If you’ve invited your date to a dance, look the part.  You don’t have to wear a suit and tie, but if you do, you don’t have to keep the jacket on all evening.  You’ll likely perspire if you stay on the dance floor.  This means a man should show  up properly groomed. Good grooming is mostly about eliminating excess — excess wrinkles, excess scuff marks, excess sweat, excess hair, excess odor — you get the idea.
• It’s your job to make her look good. — In the same way your leading isn’t chauvinistic, making her look good isn’t putting her on a pedestal.  It is simply the etiquette of the thing.  This is the same reason men wear tuxedos to formal events and women wear ball gowns, and why it’s a big deal if two women show up in the same outfit. To make her look good, review the items above and lead.  Lead her onto the dance floor, take her in your arms as is appropriate for the type of dance, and don’t attempt any spins, turns, dips or flips if she doesn’t know how to execute them.  You can always take a course together. If she’s not your date for the evening, when the song ends escort her off the dance floor and thank her for the dance. That’s rockin’ it Cotillion-style!
• Enjoy the dance. — Dancing is supposed to be fun, so do all the hard work before you show up at the next dance. If you’re at an event unescorted where there are other unescorted women, asking a woman to dance can be a great icebreaker. (That’s how I met my wife.) If you have mastered the basics and can lead with confidence, all you have to do from there is to be able to carry on a conversation. You never know where it can take you, but if you do it right you’ll have a partner.

So how about you? How would learning ballroom dancing help you become the best possible version of yourself? Add your comments below.