You may or may not find yourself in the situations described by David Byrne & co., but if you’re in the US, it’s almost certain you will find yourself sitting down to a grand Thanksgiving dinner later this week. Grandmother and or Mom will break out the fine china and the silverware and in addition to showing your appreciation for all their hard work, you’ll want to show them you’re a gentleman. So today, let’s review table manners.

The main idea

Same as it ever was…

We’ve talked about this before, but the main idea regarding manners is to put the maximum number of people around you at ease. Even if you do something wrong, do not make a big deal of it. If it’s inescapable — for example if you burp loudly and unexpectedly — acknowledge it and apologize with the fewest words possible. Otherwise, don’t call attention to it. Likewise, don’t call attention to the faults of others.

If this is the main holiday meal, make it a point to show up groomed and dressed appropriately. Now, you’re at the table.

What are all these silverware pieces for?

So much of a man’s dining these days is uber-casual, so it can be baffling to sit down in front of what appears to be Aunt Tiffy’s utensil collection. Relax, you can handle this. First: remember the outside-in rule. The pieces in front of you are laid down so you can reach them in the order in which they’ll be used. Too complicated? If salad comes before the entree, your (smaller) salad fork is to the left of your (larger) dinner fork. Your soup or fruit spoon is to the right (outside) your coffee or dessert spoon. See? I told you you can do it.

The napkin

These things don’t require a user’s manual, but here’s the deal: Spread it across your lap the moment you sit down. If you get up during the meal and you’re coming back, leave it folded in your seat. If you’re not coming back, place it beside your plate (not ON the plate). Use your napkin to wipe food residue from your lips (including that Movember work of art) and or your fingertips. If you must cough or sneeze at the table, use it to cover your mouth. But for the love of Mike, do NOT blow your nose into your napkin. In fact, don’t blow your nose at the table. Excuse yourself from the table and go to the bathroom or another room to blow your nose.

Head, shoulders, knees, and toes

Keep all your body parts in their proper places. Sit up straight with your weight on your sit bones and your shoulders back and down. This way you’ll avoid looking like a blob or like you forgot to take the hanger out of your shirt before you put it on.

While the meal is underway, do not rest your elbows on the table — not even one elbow. Between courses, it’s permissible to let one or both hands rest on the table, and even an elbow during after-dinner conversation.

Traffic flow

If your family is like mine, the commencement of the big meal may occur later than you’re used to. In your hunger, the temptation will be to load your plate and devil take the hindmost. If you do this, dish after dish will accumulate at your place, while family members downstream from you will remain unfed. They will fume. This is not good. (Don’t ask me how I know this.) Make it a point to take or not take some of what comes to you, but be sure to pass it to the next person at the table.

Butter your plate, then your bread

If you’re suspending your low-carb eating plan for the meal or the day, here’s how to keep the butter pristine: Slice off what you need and place the pat of butter on your bread plate (at 10 o’clock above your forks) or on the edge of your dinner plate. From there, use your dinner knife to apply the butter to your bread. Break your bread — don’t take a bite out of it. Break off a bite at a time.

Conversation: Keep it Light

You may be a passionate supporter of The Donald. Or of Bernie. Or you may be a member of an anarcho-syndicalist commune. Whatever, dude. When you’re all together around the table, stick to topics that emphasize what you all share. You may be able to persuade Uncle Don to change his political inclination, but I doubt it. He’s a stubborn old guy. But even if he weren’t, the table is no place for an exorcism.

A few extra tips

Do:
Chew with your mouth closed
Express appreciation
Say,  “Please pass the _____,” rather than just reaching for it
Include everyone in the conversation — even the little ones

Don’t:
Talk with your mouth full
Take the last roll without asking
Use profanity or talk about sexual or excretory subjects at the table

Bonus tip: Offer to help clean up after dinner. You might even get nominated for sainthood.

So how about you? What essential should I have included? Add your comment below.

“Thank you, the phrase, ‘the greatest thing since sliced bread,’ for making me seriously wonder who’s in charge of deciding what the greatest thing is.” – Jimmy Fallon

I’m sure you received a lot of nice gifts for Christmas this year.  If you want to stand out as a man — to be the best version of yourself possible — take the time to sit down and write thank you notes to the ones who gave you those gifts.  Not only is expressing gratitude the right thing to do, sending thank you notes displays genuine old-school manners — the kind a gentleman should always show.

Take note! There will be a test later

So how about you?  In what ways do you intend to become a better note writer in the coming year?  Add your comments below.

“Whoever restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding.”
– Proverbs 17:27 (ESV)

With Thanksgiving this week, I am seeing articles and hearing reports unlike anything I’ve ever seen. Families are dividing, disowning, and disinviting over political differences. Ridiculous!

Before we take a long-overdue visit to the poetry corner, I’d like to offer a couple of thoughts in hopes of helping some of you in this unfortunate group find your way back to sanity.

Slow your roll (and maybe take a bite of one) while you consider your words.

First, the family

Please recognize that the family is the cornerstone of an orderly society. Despite its flawed execution, the family is still the best environment for rearing and sustaining emotionally, spiritually, physically, and intellectually healthy people. On numerous occasions, we have discussed that we human beings have an enemy with many aliases. He is variously known as the deceiver, the father of lies, the accuser, the devil. His mission is to steal, kill, and destroy — and one of his favorite targets is the family. He will use any opportunity to divide and conquer. Could you be playing into his hands?

If you and your family members don’t share the same political views, I suggest you (ahem) table them for the greater good of family unity.

Does this make sense?

Further, only a fool would allow a politician of either party to alienate him from his own family. Look at it this way: The number of people Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton can affect personally — favorably or unfavorably — is vanishingly small in a nation of 320 million people. What did either candidate ever to to you or for you, that you would prefer him or her over your own kin?

Everything else at this point is opinion and speculation. I hope this isn’t news to you, but you can choose your thoughts. And I submit to you that turning your back on your loved ones — loved ones! — is a sign of fear and self-absorption. Let us choose instead to focus on the finer qualities of our family members and friends and let us disown and disinvite the intrusive and uncharitable thoughts about those with whom we differ.

Have you tried Kipling?

Here is a classic poem from Rudyard Kipling that seems strangely apt for our times.

IF

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream – and not make dreams your master;
If you can think – and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings – nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And – which is more – you’ll be a Man, my son!”

Take a look at how much of what Kipling recommends is within our power to choose it. And note the rewards of being noble — especially when we aren’t afforded the same treatment by others. I am recommending that you and I resolve to behave like Christian gentlemen no matter what kind of reception we get. I’m not promising it will be easy, but you’ll stand out for the best reasons.

Elsewhere, I have written that often the greatest obstacle to our success lies not in our circumstances, but between our ears. This is another such occasion.

Seek wisdom

Please refer again to the Proverb at the top of this post. Note the verb “restrains.” You do want to be a man of knowledge, don’t you? Restrain your words, then. And maintain a cool spirit. Then you’ll be able to discuss nearly any topic without losing precious relationships. Oh, and one more thing: If you’re sure you’re right, you don’t need to yell.

Happy, happy Thanksgiving to you and your family. Remember your relatives are meant to be a blessing and a treasure, so find a way to enjoy them.

So how about you? How are you choosing to keep a cool spirit this Thanksgiving? Add your comments below.

P.S. If you’re sweating making a good impression at the Thanksgiving table because you’ve forgotten your table manners, check out this post for the quick and dirty on keeping it clean.

“A guest never forgets the host who had treated him kindly.”
-Homer

Now that it’s springtime, it’s officially Wedding Season.  Soon you’ll start receiving wedding invitations, and perhaps even requests to stand with one of your friends as a groomsman or even as best man.  If this is new territory for you, here are some tips to help you come through like a boss.

You can add to the joy of the occasion… or not.

It’s all about manners

A speaker at a business etiquette course I attended once said that manners are simply making others feel at ease. If you find yourself deep in the wedding wilderness, let this be your north star.

Respond, please (That’s what RSVP means!)

When you receive an invitation in the mail, you will nearly always see “RSVP” or “The favor of a reply is requested” somewhere on the invitation.  Even if you don’t, regard it as an ironclad rule that your hosts — most often the bride’s family, but nowadays it could be the happy couple themselves — need to know whether or not you’re planning to attend. The self-addressed stamped envelope included with the invitation is for your convenience and their planning. Caterers charge by the plate and that can add up. Check your calendar, arrange for time off, and always send a reply.

Check the registry (and purchase an appropriate gift)

It is tradition to give gifts to the bride and groom to help them set up housekeeping together. Bridal couples register at department stores — and even Target — to help gift-givers know what the new household needs and to avoid duplication. When choosing a gift, consider the relationship and what you can afford.  Your third cousin twice removed is not expecting you to buy her and her husband a refrigerator.

Arrange for delivery of the gift to the bride’s residence before the ceremony. You will see people bringing wedding gift to the reception, but don’t be that guy. By tradition, you have a year from the wedding date to send a wedding gift to the newlyweds.

Don’t assume and don’t presume

Generally, if you’re a member of the wedding party — an usher, groomsman, the best man — or a member of the family of the bride or groom, you’re invited to the rehearsal dinner. Likewise, if you’re an out-of-town guest, you’re normally invited. If you’re unsure, ask discreetly.

If you’re participating in the ceremony, you’re normally responsible for your formal wear rental — often including the shoes —  but not for your own corsage. At out-of-town weddings, you pay your travel expenses, but your hosts ordinarily provide your lodgings.

Going back to the invitation for a moment, unless the inner envelope says your name and guest, only you are invited. Likewise, if you have kiddos and their names do not appear on the inner envelope, arrange for a babysitter.

One last item on this topic: After your friends return from their honeymoon, do not show up uninvited and do not invite yourself to be an overnight guest in their home. Let them extend an invitation after they’ve had some time to adjust to married life.

Show up

Take note of the location and time of day for the wedding, and dress appropriately.  Unless the invitation specifies black tie or the exceedingly rare white tie, a suit or sport coat and tie will be proper.  Press your shirt, trim your nails, shave — or groom your facial hair — and wear your best shoes (women will notice, I promise). Smell good, but not too good. Mind the details.

Be early — guests can be seated as early as 30 minutes before the start of the service. Smile (but not like an idiot). It’s a happy occasion after all.

Friend of the Bride? Friend of the Groom?

Your friends may or may not follow this tradition, but if they do, friends and family of the bride are seated to the left; friends of the groom to the right (walking toward the front of the church).  Note: In traditional Jewish weddings, the bride’s side is the right. If you’ve brought a date to the wedding, she will take the usher’s arm and you’ll follow as he leads you both to your seats.

A toast?

Unless you’ve been asked in advance by the groom, don’t assume this is your responsibility. Some receptions are like poetry slams with round after round of toasts, but these are rare.

If you haven’t been asked, and you still want to offer a toast, clear it with the bride and groom before you bother the DJ, the emcee or the band. They aren’t necessarily going to hand you the mike just because you ask. Most receptions are carefully planned months in advance. Unfortunately, your inspiration may not fit the plan.

OK, so assume you do get to offer your wisdom to the couple and their guests. Please do the following:

• Be on message — Don’t ramble; have a beginning a middle and an end for your remarks planned in advance.  Engage your brain before putting your mouth in gear.
• Be sober — I’ve seen this done the other way.  It ain’t pretty.
• Be specific — Speak to the praiseworthy qualities that make the bride or the groom so wonderful for the other. You do know them, right?
• Be brief. (Ahem.)
• Be memorable, but only in terms of your eloquence, your charm and your decorum.  If you have to look any of those words up, you probably shouldn’t be offering a toast.
• Pro tip: In being witty, don’t say anything that could be construed as suggestive, off-color or rude.  It’s a toast, not a roast.  There will almost certainly be children and grandparents in attendance.  It is bad form to offend either group, let alone your hosts.

Dance the night away

Part of the purpose of a wedding reception is to bring the bride and groom’s single friends together.  Weddings can be contagious.  It is good manners to introduce yourself to the other guests as you circulate and engage in light conversation.  If you’re single, you’ll endear yourself to the single young women present if you’re confident enough to ask them to dance.  You can tell which women are single when they assemble for the bouquet toss.  If you’re single, you show up for the garter toss, too.

Over the course of the evening, the best man — married or single — ordinarily dances with the bride, the maid or matron of honor, the bridesmaids, the mothers of the bride and groom, and single female guests.  This is the time to be a gentleman.  Brush up on some real dance steps and have fun on the dance floor.

Thank your hosts

It’s manners 101, but if you want to stand out in the best kind of way, make sure you find the parents of the bride before you leave and thank them for their hospitality.  Even though it will be an emotional day for them, they will remember your courtesy.

So how about you?  What’s your best wedding story?  Add your comments below.

“Ballroom dancing made a man of me.”
-Paul McCartney

The mission of this blog is to motivate and inspire you to embrace Thriving Authentic Masculinity and to become the best possible version of yourself.  Toward that end, we engage topics that affect your physical, emotional and spiritual health, along with subjects that can help you excel socially — like this and this.  If you want to attract a quality woman — or to maintain attraction with the one you have, let me recommend ballroom dancing for your edification.

This guy’s got it! Now all he needs is his partner.

A generation ago, parents sent their adolescent sons and daughters to Cotillion to learn etiquette and how to dance.  Stripped of its artifice, I see now that it was designed to provide some external reinforcement of social norms and niceties, but also to make introductions between young men and young women, with hopes that eventually some might become husbands and wives.  (I said it was a long time ago.)

Every Friday night for twelve weeks, we would all crowd into our town’s Masonic Temple — boys on one side, girls on the other — and learn the Foxtrot, the waltz, the cha-cha and the shag (a Carolinas variant of the western swing and or the jitterbug).  The instructors, a married couple older than our parents, would cue up the same records each week for each dance, and our respective ranks would imitate our human avatars.  It was mildly interesting, but then they told us to walk to the center of the room and “pair up” with the person in front of us.

Now it was no longer theory.  You had to actually dance with a girl and it had to be good.  The pairs would only last as long as a song.  After that, the instructors commanded us to change partners and each of us moved to our right to dance with the girl next to our former partner.  No picking favorites.  no skipping.  From what I’ve read, speed dating uses a similar model.

After our twelve weeks of instruction, we were invited to a dance at the Country Club where we and our “dates” got to show our parents what we had learned.

It wasn’t long after this that disco became popular and ballroom dancing à la Cotillion was over.  Nearly twenty years later when my brother-in-law got engaged, his fiancée was a professional singer, and they told their invited guests that her big band would perform at the reception.  To get ready, my wife and I enrolled in a ballroom dancing course at the local community college.

Once again, the men lined up on one side of the room (a high school cafeteria this time), women on the other, and we learned the Foxtrot, the waltz, the cha-cha, the western swing and the Rhumba. It meant so much more to take the class with my wife and — here’s the best part — we still have occasion to use those steps from time to time.

Here’s what ballroom dancing can teach you:

• The man must lead. — Only one partner can lead the dance — traditionally it’s the man.  It isn’t just an honorary role, and it isn’t patriarchal.  No, to lead in the dance, a man must guide his partner with his hands, his body, his eyes.  A little pressure on the hip, a little change in the grip — all of it has significance.  Dancing well means leading well, and if the woman you’re dancing with is a good dancer, she’ll follow your lead.
• Learn the steps.  — Confidence is attractive.  Being unsure is not.  Will you dance perfectly?  Probably not, and most assuredly not over the course of an entire evening.  If you’re solid on the five dances above, you can spend a delightful evening with a beautiful woman in your arms.
• Feel the music. — This can be hard to explain, but for dancing, music is not so much about hearing the music with your ears, or counting the rhythm in your mind.  Instead, it’s about feeling it.  If you’re not musical, or if you aren’t particularly good at keeping time, you can count beats while you’re listening to music, or go further and download a metronome app and become familiar with different rhythms and tempos.  Learn to hear with your body.
• Don’t look at your feet. — To lead properly on the dance floor, you must be aware of your partner and where the two of you are relative to other couples on the dance floor. If for no other reason, you need to avoid looking at your feet.  Stand up to your full height and look into your partner’s eyes as you lead her.  Smile even if she steps on your new Johnston and Murphys.  You’ll become more attractive to her. Honest.
• Style doesn’t cost extra. — If you’ve invited your date to a dance, look the part.  You don’t have to wear a suit and tie, but if you do, you don’t have to keep the jacket on all evening.  You’ll likely perspire if you stay on the dance floor.  This means a man should show  up properly groomed. Good grooming is mostly about eliminating excess — excess wrinkles, excess scuff marks, excess sweat, excess hair, excess odor — you get the idea.
• It’s your job to make her look good. — In the same way your leading isn’t chauvinistic, making her look good isn’t putting her on a pedestal.  It is simply the etiquette of the thing.  This is the same reason men wear tuxedos to formal events and women wear ball gowns, and why it’s a big deal if two women show up in the same outfit. To make her look good, review the items above and lead.  Lead her onto the dance floor, take her in your arms as is appropriate for the type of dance, and don’t attempt any spins, turns, dips or flips if she doesn’t know how to execute them.  You can always take a course together. If she’s not your date for the evening, when the song ends escort her off the dance floor and thank her for the dance. That’s rockin’ it Cotillion-style!
• Enjoy the dance. — Dancing is supposed to be fun, so do all the hard work before you show up at the next dance. If you’re at an event unescorted where there are other unescorted women, asking a woman to dance can be a great icebreaker. (That’s how I met my wife.) If you have mastered the basics and can lead with confidence, all you have to do from there is to be able to carry on a conversation. You never know where it can take you, but if you do it right you’ll have a partner.

So how about you? How would learning ballroom dancing help you become the best possible version of yourself? Add your comments below.

“Thank you, the phrase, ‘the greatest thing since sliced bread,’ for making me seriously wonder who’s in charge of deciding what the greatest thing is.” – Jimmy Fallon

I’m sure you received a lot of nice gifts for Christmas this year.  If you want to stand out as a man — to be the best version of yourself possible — take the time to sit down and write thank you notes to the ones who gave you those gifts.  Not only is expressing gratitude the right thing to do, sending thank you notes displays genuine old-school manners — the kind a gentleman should always show.

Take note! There will be a test later

So how about you?  In what ways do you intend to become a better note writer in the coming year?  Add your comments below.

“And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack
And you may find yourself in another part of the world
And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful
wife
And you may ask yourself-Well…How did I get here?” – Talking Heads

You may or may not find yourself in the situations described by David Byrne & co., but if you’re in the US, it’s almost certain you will find yourself sitting down to a grand Thanksgiving dinner later this week. Grandmother and or Mom will break out the fine china and the silverware and in addition to showing your appreciation for all their hard work, you’ll want to show them you’re a gentleman. So today, let’s review table manners.

The main idea

Same as it ever was…

We’ve talked about this before, but the main idea regarding manners is to put the maximum number of people around you at ease. Even if you do something wrong, do not make a big deal of it. If it’s inescapable — for example if you burp loudly and unexpectedly — acknowledge it and apologize with the fewest words possible. Otherwise, don’t call attention to it. Likewise, don’t call attention to the faults of others.

If this is the main holiday meal, make it a point to show up groomed and dressed appropriately. Now, you’re at the table.

What are all these silverware pieces for?

So much of a man’s dining these days is uber-casual, so it can be baffling to sit down in front of what appears to be Aunt Tiffy’s utensil collection. Relax, you can handle this. First: remember the outside-in rule. The pieces in front of you are laid down so you can reach them in the order in which they’ll be used. Too complicated? If salad comes before the entree, your (smaller) salad fork is to the left of your (larger) dinner fork. Your soup or fruit spoon is to the right (outside) your coffee or dessert spoon. See? I told you you can do it.

The napkin

These things don’t require a user’s manual, but here’s the deal: Spread it across your lap the moment you sit down. If you get up during the meal and you’re coming back, leave it folded in your seat. If you’re not coming back, place it beside your plate (not ON the plate). Use your napkin to wipe food residue from your lips (including that Movember work of art) and or your fingertips. If you must cough or sneeze at the table, use it to cover your mouth. But for the love of Mike, do NOT blow your nose into your napkin. In fact, don’t blow your nose at the table. Excuse yourself from the table and go to the bathroom or another room to blow your nose.

Head, shoulders, knees, and toes

Keep all your body parts in their proper places. Sit up straight with your weight on your sit bones and your shoulders back and down. This way you’ll avoid looking like a blob or like you forgot to take the hanger out of your shirt before you put it on.

While the meal is underway, do not rest your elbows on the table — not even one elbow. Between courses, it’s permissible to let one or both hands rest on the table, and even an elbow during after-dinner conversation.

Traffic flow

If your family is like mine, the commencement of the big meal may occur later than you’re used to. In your hunger, the temptation will be to load your plate and devil take the hindmost. If you do this, dish after dish will accumulate at your place, while family members downstream from you will remain unfed. They will fume. This is not good. (Don’t ask me how I know this.) Make it a point to take or not take some of what comes to you, but be sure to pass it to the next person at the table.

Butter your plate, then your bread

If you’re suspending your low-carb eating plan for the meal or the day, here’s how to keep the butter pristine: Slice off what you need and place the pat of butter on your bread plate (at 10 o’clock above your forks) or on the edge of your dinner plate. From there, use your dinner knife to apply the butter to your bread. Break your bread — don’t take a bite out of it. Break off a bite at a time.

Conversation: Keep it Light

You may be a passionate supporter of The Donald. Or of Bernie. Or you may be a member of an anarcho-syndicalist commune. Whatever, dude. When you’re all together around the table, stick to topics that emphasize what you all share. You may be able to persuade Uncle Don to change his political inclination, but I doubt it. He’s a stubborn old guy. But even if he weren’t, the table is no place for an exorcism.

A few extra tips

Do:
Chew with your mouth closed
Express appreciation
Say,  “Please pass the _____,” rather than just reaching for it
Include everyone in the conversation — even the little ones

Don’t:
Talk with your mouth full
Take the last roll without asking
Use profanity or talk about sexual or excretory subjects at the table

Bonus tip: Offer to help clean up after dinner. You might even get nominated for sainthood.

So how about you? What essential should I have included? Add your comment below.

“First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Trade Unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.” -Martin Niemöller

I love C.S. Lewis’ book series, The Chronicles of Narnia. I’m sure I’ve read the entire series at least seven times, several of those aloud.

In the final installment titled The Last Battle, the dwarfs, most of whom have been sympathetic characters,  refuse to take sides in the climactic skirmish between the followers of Aslan, the great Lion who rules Narnia, and the followers of Tash, the god of the Calormenes.

As much as it depends on you, try to live at peace with everyone…

Claiming that they had been equally mistreated through the years by both the Narnians and the Calormenes, the dwarfs’ rallying cry is “The dwarfs are for the dwarfs!” They even begin shooting at both sides, killing combatants from their rocky firing position.

Of course this goes badly for everyone involved, and when the dwarfs are thrown through the door of a nearby stable (that is to say, they are killed) they are in the presence of Aslan. But because they refused to be his subjects, they can’t see him — or anything else.

What Aslan can and cannot do for them.

One of the heroes takes pity on the dwarfs and asks Aslan to help them. He replies that he will show her both what he can and can’t do for them. He speaks kindly to them, but all they hear is a ferocious lion’s growl. He sets a feast before them, but they imagine it to be straw and manure. They spend their eternity blind, bickering and complaining in the presence of splendor.

It makes me wonder if we aren’t like them at times.

The error of parochialism

Closer to home

Games people play

The theology of the body

Now if the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body.  And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. If they were all one part, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, but one body.” – 1 Corinthians 12:15-20 (NIV)

Why it matters

So how about you? How do you avoid the trap of parochialism? Add your comments below.

“Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” – St. Paul (Philippians 2:3-4, ESV)

I am going to take a risk today. I believe the words written above, and I know when I make my case, I know that my own shortcomings will be on display. At the worst, I’ll be the crabby old guy chasing the whippersnappers off his lawn. At best, I’ll get called out for being a hypocrite. Still, I have to say it.

Change you can believe in (Photo by S. McDuck)

Gentlemen, it is time for us to lead a return to civility. We must begin to cultivate gentility and graciousness, even as we enforce our boundaries. Understand that showing courtesy is a demonstration of masculine strength — not its denial — as some of the most mannerly people you’ll meet are strong and self-controlled. Army Rangers and other special operators I have met come to mind.

What’s eating you?

I am more disgusted or perhaps discouraged than angry about this, but slovenliness is everywhere. From poor personal hygiene, to poor physical health, to careless driving, to casual lawlessness, to the coarsening of our discourse, there is a generalized sense of entitlement that pervades our culture. Chuck Colson referred to this as the emergence of the cult of the autonomous self. The tendency to selfishness is nothing new, but what is remarkable is how widespread this boorish behavior is. Trust me — it was not always like this.

One possible outcome

The internet outrage engines roar to life from time to time over the rumor that the US government is planning to remove the national motto — In God We Trust — from coins and paper currency. I check these things out at Snopes.com, and you should, too, by the way. It is false, but it did make me think.

Based on our current manners, any or all of the following would appear to be a more accurate reflection of our national character:

• Eff yew — This blog is PG-13 at most, so you know I’m not going to spell it out. But in a time when people feel no compunction about wearing shirts with these very words (as Jean Shepard called it, “the queen mother of all swear words.”), why not the ultimate flip off as our new national motto?
• I’m a good person — Ya think? This reminds me of the surveys people take assessing their driving skills. Everybody thinks he’s Jeff Gordon behind the wheel, but objective measurements don’t bear that out.
• You can’t judge me — This is the apex of rationalization. It says: I’m going to do what I want, and I do not want anybody awakening my conscience. If that were to happen, I might get bummed out.
• Have a nice day — The favorite secular scripture. It’s as weak and water and as rich in calories. A capital motto for a nation that no longer believes in anything but itself.
• I got mine — This truly epitomizes the prevailing sentiment, doesn’t it? Whether we’re talking about helping oneself to the last slice of pie or sexual indulgence, the avatars of this attitude keep it locked on WII-FM — What’s In It For Me? If you aren’t getting what you need, that is not their problem.

What we stand to lose

Since the national motto appears on our currency by an act of Congress, we are in no danger of seeing the words “In God We Trust” disappear from our coins and bills any time soon. But consider what the self-referential pseudo-mottoes mean for us in practice.

Each of us wants his own way. Each of us fears having his weakness exposed. For the record, John Eldredge explains that a man’s fundamental question is: Do I have what it takes? Being called out suggests we do not. But where morals and manners are concerned, we need to help one another. I don’t see a way for any of us to get better without help — from a mentor, a dad, a brother.

The rejection of transcendent standards of right and wrong — standards that do not change according to circumstances or geography — make thriving communities possible. Look at the Ten Commandments as a basis for civil law.  Clearly, the prohibition of theft, murder, lying, adultery and coveting make it possible for people to live and work together peaceably. The comparative few who disregard these norms make their communities unstable and less prosperous — and it creates a downward spiral.

What can I do?

Start with the only person you can possibly change — yourself. Refuse to behave as if the world owes you a living. It doesn’t.

If you lack proper hygiene or have poor grooming habits, you can improve almost instantly. You can learn how to dress for every occasion, and you can learn how to take proper care of your clothes. Show up dressed appropriately everywhere you go. Especially when you’re traveling for work. People notice that — in a good way.

Manners are mostly making others feel welcome and comfortable in your presence. Even the most hardcore introvert can become fluent in polite conversation. And there are books and executive etiquette courses if you need more help. There’s way too much to cover here, but consider others and place them ahead of you and you’re off to a great start. It’s not about being stiff — it’s about being comfortable in your own skin and making that comfort contagious.

On the road, please do the following: 1) Use your turn signals — especially for lane changes. 2) Observe and obey stop signs and traffic signals (I’m lookin’ at you, Hollywood roll). 3) Maintain safe following distances and leave drafting for the NASCAR track. 4) Pass in the left lane; drive in the right lane. and 5) Remain free of the distractions of drink, drugs, or texting. Now think how much you’d enjoy it if everyone did just these few things.

It’s a marathon, not a sprint

We have a long way to go as a country, to reclaim the character we have squandered. I believe that if enough men embrace civility with the same commitment they show to craft beer, bow ties, and lumberjack beards, this can happen in less than a generation.

One final thought

I’m not a cynic, but I play one at work. Thanks for hearing me out. Now get off my lawn.

So how about you? In what ways can you up your game in terms of civility? Add your comments below.

“First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Trade Unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.” -Martin Niemöller

I love C.S. Lewis’ book series, The Chronicles of Narnia. I’m sure I’ve read the entire series at least seven times, several of those aloud.

In the final installment titled The Last Battle, the dwarfs, most of whom have been sympathetic characters,  refuse to take sides in the climactic skirmish between the followers ofAslan, the great Lion who rules Narnia, and the followers ofTash, the god of theCalormenes.

As much as it depends on you, try to live at peace with everyone…

Claiming that they had been equally mistreated through the years by both the Narnians and the Calormenes, the dwarfs’ rallying cry is “The dwarfs are for the dwarfs!” They even begin shooting at both sides, killing combatants from their rocky firing position.

Of course this goes badly for everyone involved, and when the dwarfs are thrown through the door of a nearby stable (that is to say, they are killed) they are in the presence of Aslan. But because they refused to be his subjects, they can’t see him — or anything else.

What Aslan can and cannot do for them.

One of the heroes takes pity on the dwarfs and asks Aslan to help them. He replies that he will show her both what he can and can’t do for them. He speaks kindly to them, but all they hear is a ferocious lion’s growl. He sets a feast before them, but they imagine it to be straw and manure. They spend their eternity blind, bickering and complaining in the presence of splendor.

It makes me wonder if we aren’t like them at times.

The error of parochialism

Closer to home

Games people play

The theology of the body

Now if the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body.  And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. If they were all one part, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, but one body.” – 1 Corinthians 12:15-20 (NIV)

Why it matters

So how about you? How do you avoid the trap of parochialism? Add your comments below.