“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” – Proverbs 17:17

I just came back from a long weekend with four of my oldest — in terms of length of friendship — friends. We arranged to meet for a four-day weekend on the North Carolina coast to catch up, watch some football, make some music and stay up late — just like we used to.

This may have been the only period of sunshine the entire weekend — and we didn’t care!

The five of us grew up together. Through school, scouts and sports (formal and informal),we met in fifth, sixth and seventh grade and were pretty much inseparable from then on. After we graduated high school, two of us went to one small, private college, while the other three went to a large state university. We were each others’ closest confidants and college roommates, and through all those years we stayed in touch and remained friends.

As we graduated and each of us got married, life took its own course. With careers taking us across the country, we found it much more difficult to get everybody together. Having and raising children made getting together even less likely. As infrequently as it happened at times, we continued to correspond, with twos and threes seeing each other as they had occasion to do so.

In my case, one of these four friends of mine and I remained friends, even though by our reckoning we hadn’t seen each other in person in over 20 years. (Social media has helped bridge the gap, but we have agreed not to allow another 20 years to pass without a meetup.) Interestingly, when we all got together it was as if no time had passed. The friendship among us seemed to take up right where we left off. And this is why I’m telling you about it.

A man needs friends

Over the years, I have seen multiple references to, and even had conversations with men who bemoan the rise of what author David Smith calls “The Friendless American Male.” As great a tool as it is, the internet makes it easier than ever for a man to isolate himself, while browsing nearly any topic — good or bad — that enters his thoughts. The problem with this approach is that we are relational creatures by our very nature. Reading a blog — even a well-written one — is not the same as having a relationship with another human being. And commenting on a blog– even if you get a response — isn’t like really getting to know someone.

Your life can be richer if you take the time to build genuine friendships through shared experiences.

A long weekend – and an adventure

While we were approaching the date of our meetup, a hurricane was chewing its way through the Caribbean and apparently heading for our destination. When the storm turned north and east, we decided to head for the coast anyway. After all, we weren’t there to tan — we were there for friendship. True to the predictions, the rain fell. Hard. Still, we enjoyed the easy conversation of friends with all the discoveries of what the years had taught each of us.

Running from Joaquin

By Sunday afternoon, though, the ground was sodden, and the Weather Service was predicting inland flooding. We discussed it briefly, decided on our plan B, and we were packed and rolling toward Raleigh in 20 minutes. Our route off the island was partially submerged, but we kept going. We found out later that the Highway Department closed the road about an hour after we left. There were high fives all around the table when we had confirmation that we’d made the right call. Well done, friends!

Advantages of masculine friendship

Just to be clear, here, we are talking in terms of what the ancient Greeks called Philia – brotherly love. Some say you can be friends with members of the opposite sex (debatable), but there is no substitute in a man’s life for the company of other men. Here are several advantages of masculine friendship:

• Friendship for its own sake – Nobody was trying to sell anything. Nobody was trying to impress anybody, or one-up his mates.
• Being known and accepted – and knowing and accepting your friends — So much of life comes to us as a bitter zero-sum game. True friends get you, so you can relax and seek each others’ good.
• Mutual respect and appreciation — We’ve all diverged in some interesting ways since our youth. Our politics never were monolithic and they still aren’t. We like different sports teams. Some like fantasy football, others don’t have any interest in it. We each worship differently. What was delightful was the way we were able to have interesting and lively discussions while being entirely civil. When you know you can’t just write each other off over a difference of opinion — even a profound one — it shifts you into a different gear.
• Honor and truth — No one else but your closest friends has the right to get completely in your face over your foolishness. And nobody except a true friend would bother. Likewise, no one but a true friend will hear your struggles without despising you for them. This honesty is the honor that friends show one another and it is priceless.

The distinctive quality of friendship

My friends and I were fortunate to have lived so many of our formative years in the same town, sharing the same teachers, the same classmates, and the same experiences. But even if you didn’t or don’t have friends like these in your life, it isn’t too late. None of us started off as best friends — it took time — so don’t rush it. Do, however, set aside time to build your friendship around multiple activities you all enjoy.

Our church encourages the formation small groups — I lead a men’s group — that emphasizes Care , Growth, and Impact. Even if your friendships don’t center on faith, these three emphases would also provide an opportunity to cultivate a well-rounded friendship. As Rex, founder of Rex Kwan Do,  said in Napoleon Dynamite, “No more flying solo.”

So how about you? How are you cultivating friendships that will last? Add your comments below.