Recent news stories point to improved job prospects and increased pay to go with them. This is encouraging if you have the credentials (read: degree and/or certification) your prospective employer is looking for, but what if you don’t?

At a recent convention I attended, I heard a keynote speech that inspired this post. I’ll share more of what I learned from that talk in Part 2, but first I want to encourage you to become an entrepreneur. Instead of waiting for someone to hire you, why not start your own company and be the boss?

Let’s be clear: I’m not suggesting that you pull a Costanza and make up a Vandelay Industries. Nor am I talking about falling into the trap of turk work and setting yourself up for obsolescence. Instead, I mean that you should develop a product or service and the plan for delivering it — and then you should deliver it as profitably as you can.

Make your own luck

Let’s talk about the upsides, starting with creating your own momentum and your own luck. Now before you think there’s this mystical force our there called Luck that runs parallel to God, let me clarify. What people call luck is actually the meeting of preparation and attention. When you’ve done the homework and acquired and/or mastered the knowledge of your marketplace, you’ll harness the positive power of confirmation bias. As I’ve written before, when you drive an old Volvo, you start to see them everywhere.

When you’ve developed expertise in your chosen market, you’ll see opportunities everywhere. Then, if you’re confident and diligent, you’ll pursue the more promising opportunities. And if your preparation includes the cultivation of some selling skills, you’ll close some business. Then people will consider you lucky.

One man from my hometown used to like to say that the harder he worked the luckier he got. I got it back then, and I still remember it. I also appreciate the saying attributed to Thomas Edison that goes like this: Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.

Be your own boss

Becoming an entrepreneur has another huge upside: you are your own boss. Unless you’re also highly self-motivated, that’s also the downside. Every day, you’re going to have to summon your motivation, your desire to get things done or they won’t get done.

By the way, this is the same skill you need to manage your career, as I discussed in this post.

But… It takes money

Yes, it’s true that you have to have some money to get started, but not as much as you may think. For most entrepreneurial enterprises, you aren’t going to need your own skyscraper and helipad — at least, not at first. Some people with landscaping businesses started with not much more than a lawnmower and a willingness to sweat. Other people have figured out how to open online stores on a shoestring budget. Web domains are very inexpensive — and there are lots of free tutorials that can help you design your website and launch your business.

Chris Guillebeau wrote a book called The 100-Dollar Startup. You may find just the idea you need there.

Be prepared to learn

There are lessons everywhere, many are free. There are online publications, podcasts, and webinars devoted to entrepreneurship. There are books on management and leadership in your public library (you do have a library card, right?). And there are local entrepreneurs who want to share what they know. But reading and discussing aren’t the only sources of lessons.

In the kicker above, I said you should expect to fail. This is because you will likely fail in your first attempts at entrepreneurship. Many times. Failure can bruise your ego, but it is also a rich mine of hard-won knowledge.

This is one reason why silicon valley types talk about failing faster. This means you should embrace the probability and learn to shrug off the sting of failure in order to acquire the lessons that will come through the failure and keep going. Author, speaker, and success coach Michael Hyatt says it this way: “In my world there is no failure — only learning.”

Success comes from good judgment…

I know I’ve quoted him before, but Arthur Jones, the eccentric creator of Nautilus Fitness equipment used to say, “Success in life comes from good judgment. Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment.” I hope you see that to make your way in the world and provide for yourself and your household, you will have to endure some seasons of suck. Don’t let it throw you — you’re learning.

Congratulations, You’re a Technician

One lesson that arrived for me fairly recently was in Michael Gerber’s book Beyond the e-Myth. Gerber says that if your enterprise can’t function without your hand on it, you’re not an entrepreneur — you’re a technician. He prescribes the creation of methods and systems that will enable you to delegate the functions of and to increase the scale of your business.

A business has products and is a product

The last bit is important because in addition to having products, a business is a product in itself. If you’re truly an entrepreneur, you’ll enjoy the thrill of the launch, but become bored with the operations side of things. In that case, you’re going to have operators who can implement your systems, or you’re going to need to find a buyer who’ll operate what you’ve built. You can make money either way, but the key is to work on your business instead of just working in it..

Coming up

We’ll talk about insights I gained from that keynote address.

So how about you? What’s preventing you from becoming an entrepreneur? What do you have to lose? Add your comments below.

Note: I have linked to a couple of books on Amazon. I do not receive any compensation for doing so — these are two books I have bought and read and I am comfortable recommending them.

“My son, if you have put up security for your neighbor, if you have shaken hands in pledge for a stranger, you have been trapped by what you said, ensnared by the words of your mouth. So do this, my son, to free yourself, since you have fallen into your neighbor’s hands: Go—to the point of exhaustion— and give your neighbor no rest! Allow no sleep to your eyes, no slumber to your eyelids. Free yourself, like a gazelle from the hand of the hunter, like a bird from the snare of the fowler.” – Proverbs 6: 1-5 (NIV)

In a recent post, I touched on the link between latter-day activism and the psychological/emotional needs of Identity, Stimulation, and Security. In that post, I explained that popular causes attract the bored and and the aggrieved — as well as the true believers — and I argued that activism meets the psychological needs by creating a tribal identity, stimulation through anticipation and action, and security in belonging. I also explained that this is neither good nor bad in itself — the worthiness comes from the rightness of the cause. This is somewhat tricky, since we human beings seem to be rationalizers, rather than the rational actors we imagine that we are.

You may have to put your foot down…

The plumbline

In construction, the straightness of a wall has significant influence on the structural integrity of the building. Leaning or crooked walls don’t bear as much weight and their failure can cause a calamity. This is why builders use a plumbline — an external reference that does not care about the builder’s feelings. The wall is either plumb (straight), or it isn’t. When we are lending our name, our money, and our time to any cause, we should take care to evaluate its aims and claims against an outside standard — as objective as possible.

Not everything that feels good is good

You know this, but not every stranger that stops to help you in a big city is seeking your well-being. Causes are like that too. People with agendas do not ever seem to tire of enlisting people of good reputation to add the latter’s halo effect to the former’s cause. The church also has to be on guard against being co-opted by political parties — left or right — since Jesus said His kingdom is not of this world. If even the church isn’t immune, you need to be on guard as well. I recommend being a reluctant joiner — at least until you can make an informed decision regarding how involved you want to be. Then you should beware of being used.

Over the years I’ve become much more skeptical and selective about what or whom I’ll endorse. That’s what getting burned a few (dozen) times will teach you.

The Who sang about it.

Here’s a trip to the poetry (OK, lyrics) corner.

“We’ll be fighting in the streets
With our children at our feet
And the morals that they worship will be gone
And the men who spurred us on
Sit in judgment of all wrong
They decide and the shotgun sings the song

If you’re active on behalf of a cause, may I suggest you measure it according to the plumbline of scripture. Does the Bible speak to the cause and the methods the group uses? Does it endorse or condemn those methods?

I also recommend asking yourself what the realization of the cause’s stated goals would look like. If you’re engaged in eliminating child poverty in your city, for example, how will you define success? How will you measure it? If you’re active in politics, how would the full implementation of your preferred policies affect your family? your neighborhood? your city? Are the effects positive? What are the harms? What would come next?

Please understand that I am for passion and for getting involved. The world needs the energy and creativity of passionate people — the world needs you to play the man. Part of the reason I write this blog is because I see conditions causing people to suffer, and I want to change those conditions. Again, all I’m advocating is making sure that any issue to which you lend your time, your money, and or your good name is a noble and worthy one.

So how about you? – How are you planning to live without being co-opted by an ism? Add your comments below.

“Find something, found something, or fund something.” – Bob Shank

Recent news stories point to improved job prospects and increased pay to go with them. This is encouraging if you have the credentials (read: degree and/or certification) your prospective employer is looking for, but what if you don’t?

At a recent convention I attended, I heard a keynote speech that inspired this post. I’ll share more of what I learned from that talk in Part 2, but first I want to encourage you to become an entrepreneur. Instead of waiting for someone to hire you, why not start your own company and be the boss?

Let’s be clear: I’m not suggesting that you pull a Costanza and make up a Vandelay Industries. Nor am I talking about falling into the trap of turk work and setting yourself up for obsolescence. Instead, I mean that you should develop a product or service and the plan for delivering it — and then you should deliver it as profitably as you can.

When you drive one, you see them everywhere!

Make your own luck

Let’s talk about the upsides, starting with creating your own momentum and your own luck. Now before you think there’s this mystical force our there called Luck that runs parallel to God, let me clarify. What people call luck is actually the meeting of preparation and attention. When you’ve done the homework and acquired and/or mastered the knowledge of your marketplace, you’ll harness the positive power of confirmation bias. As I’ve written before, when you drive an old Volvo, you start to see them everywhere.

When you’ve developed expertise in your chosen market, you’ll see opportunities everywhere. Then, if you’re confident and diligent, you’ll pursue the more promising opportunities. And if your preparation includes the cultivation of some selling skills, you’ll close some business. Then people will consider you lucky.

One man from my hometown used to like to say that the harder he worked the luckier he got. I got it back then, and I still remember it. I also appreciate the saying attributed to Thomas Edison that goes like this: Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.

Be your own boss

Becoming an entrepreneur has another huge upside: you are your own boss. Unless you’re also highly self-motivated, that’s also the downside. Every day, you’re going to have to summon your motivation, your desire to get things done or they won’t get done.

By the way, this is the same skill you need to manage your career, as I discussed in this post.

But… It takes money

Yes, it’s true that you have to have some money to get started, but not as much as you may think. For most entrepreneurial enterprises, you aren’t going to need your own skyscraper and helipad — at least, not at first. Some people with landscaping businesses started with not much more than a lawnmower and a willingness to sweat. Other people have figured out how to open online stores on a shoestring budget. Web domains are very inexpensive — and there are lots of free tutorials that can help you design your website and launch your business.

Chris Guillebeau wrote a book called The 100-Dollar Startup. You may find just the idea you need there.

Be prepared to learn

There are lessons everywhere, many are free. There are online publications, podcasts, and webinars devoted to entrepreneurship. There are books on management and leadership in your public library (you do have a library card, right?). And there are local entrepreneurs who want to share what they know. But reading and discussing aren’t the only sources of lessons.

In the kicker above, I said you should expect to fail. This is because you will likely fail in your first attempts at entrepreneurship. Many times. Failure can bruise your ego, but it is also a rich mine of hard-won knowledge.

This is one reason why silicon valley types talk about failing faster. This means you should embrace the probability and learn to shrug off the sting of failure in order to acquire the lessons that will come through the failure and keep going. Author, speaker, and success coach Michael Hyatt says it this way: “In my world there is no failure — only learning.”

Success comes from good judgment…

I know I’ve quoted him before, but Arthur Jones, the eccentric creator of Nautilus Fitness equipment used to say, “Success in life comes from good judgment. Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment.” I hope you see that to make your way in the world and provide for yourself and your household, you will have to endure some seasons of suck. Don’t let it throw you — you’re learning.

Congratulations, You’re a Technician

One lesson that arrived for me fairly recently was in Michael Gerber’s book Beyond the e-Myth. Gerber says that if your enterprise can’t function without your hand on it, you’re not an entrepreneur — you’re a technician. He prescribes the creation of methods and systems that will enable you to delegate the functions of and to increase the scale of your business.

A business has products and is a product

The last bit is important because in addition to having products, a business is a product in itself. If you’re truly an entrepreneur, you’ll enjoy the thrill of the launch, but become bored with the operations side of things. In that case, you’re going to have operators who can implement your systems, or you’re going to need to find a buyer who’ll operate what you’ve built. You can make money either way, but the key is to work on your business instead of just working in it..

Coming up

We’ll talk about insights I gained from that keynote address.

So how about you? What’s preventing you from becoming an entrepreneur? What do you have to lose? Add your comments below.

Note: I have linked to a couple of books on Amazon. I do not receive any compensation for doing so — these are two books I have bought and read and I am comfortable recommending them.

“My son, if you have put up security for your neighbor, if you have shaken hands in pledge for a stranger, you have been trapped by what you said, ensnared by the words of your mouth. So do this, my son, to free yourself, since you have fallen into your neighbor’s hands: Go—to the point of exhaustion— and give your neighbor no rest! Allow no sleep to your eyes, no slumber to your eyelids. Free yourself, like a gazelle from the hand of the hunter, like a bird from the snare of the fowler.” – Proverbs 6: 1-5 (NIV)

In a recent post, I touched on the link between latter-day activism and the psychological/emotional needs of Identity, Stimulation, and Security. In that post, I explained that popular causes attract the bored and and the aggrieved — as well as the true believers — and I argued that activism meets the psychological needs by creating a tribal identity, stimulation through anticipation and action, and security in belonging. I also explained that this is neither good nor bad in itself — the worthiness comes from the rightness of the cause. This is somewhat tricky, since we human beings seem to be rationalizers, rather than the rational actors we imagine that we are.

You may have to put your foot down…

The plumbline

In construction, the straightness of a wall has significant influence on the structural integrity of the building. Leaning or crooked walls don’t bear as much weight and their failure can cause a calamity. This is why builders use a plumbline — an external reference that does not care about the builder’s feelings. The wall is either plumb (straight), or it isn’t. When we are lending our name, our money, and our time to any cause, we should take care to evaluate its aims and claims against an outside standard — as objective as possible.

Not everything that feels good is good

You know this, but not every stranger that stops to help you in a big city is seeking your well-being. Causes are like that too. People with agendas do not ever seem to tire of enlisting people of good reputation to add the latter’s halo effect to the former’s cause. The church also has to be on guard against being co-opted by political parties — left or right — since Jesus said His kingdom is not of this world. If even the church isn’t immune, you need to be on guard as well. I recommend being a reluctant joiner — at least until you can make an informed decision regarding how involved you want to be. Then you should beware of being used.

Over the years I’ve become much more skeptical and selective about what or whom I’ll endorse. That’s what getting burned a few (dozen) times will teach you.

The Who sang about it.

Here’s a trip to the poetry (OK, lyrics) corner.

“We’ll be fighting in the streets
With our children at our feet
And the morals that they worship will be gone
And the men who spurred us on
Sit in judgment of all wrong
They decide and the shotgun sings the song

If you’re active on behalf of a cause, may I suggest you measure it according to the plumbline of scripture. Does the Bible speak to the cause and the methods the group uses? Does it endorse or condemn those methods?

I also recommend asking yourself what the realization of the cause’s stated goals would look like. If you’re engaged in eliminating child poverty in your city, for example, how will you define success? How will you measure it? If you’re active in politics, how would the full implementation of your preferred policies affect your family? your neighborhood? your city? Are the effects positive? What are the harms? What would come next?

Please understand that I am for passion and for getting involved. The world needs the energy and creativity of passionate people — the world needs you to play the man. Part of the reason I write this blog is because I see conditions causing people to suffer, and I want to change those conditions. Again, all I’m advocating is making sure that any issue to which you lend your time, your money, and or your good name is a noble and worthy one.

So how about you? – How are you planning to live without being co-opted by an ism? Add your comments below.

“What lifetime are you waiting for?” – Bill Hybels

I hope you had a great celebration on Christmas Day, and that you are still enjoying the joy of this season. Today, I want to encourage you to think about your plans for the new year. I have written before about setting SMART goals, and I won’t repeat myself here, but I want to urge you to think broadly with more of a systems approach to the life you want.

Map the systems of your life and optimize them for a more effective new year.

The plague of “If only” thinking

When I was a child, my parents sometimes gave me books as presents. One such gift was Dr. Seuss’ I Had Trouble in Getting to Solla Sollew (published over 50 years ago!). Although not as well-known as some of his other books, Solla Sollew made a great point — and thanks to Dr. Seuss and his gift for rhyme — I have remembered its message ever since.

The main character stubs his toe and encounters a series of other vexations and decides as a result to find a place without these frustrations. Just then, our hero meets a traveler who is on his way to Solla Sollew, “where they never have troubles — at least very few.” The story develops as the hero faces other challenges and reaches a surprising and hopeful conclusion.

If this year has been a bad year for you and your family, you might wish for a ticket to Solla Sollew, or at least to a better set of circumstances. I want to challenge you to resist the temptation to think this way. Perhaps you know people in the grip of “If only” thinking. You know: the single people who think if only they were married they’d be happy; the unhappily married ones who think if only they were married to someone else they be happy; the unemployed or underemployed who think if only they had a better job — any job — they’d be happy; or the childless couples who think if only they had a baby they’d be happy. And on and on.

For the record, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be married, with wanting children, with wanting a job, or with the desire for better circumstances. (Though if you’re married and it isn’t going well, I can’t advocate divorce. I do recommend working on it — prayerfully.) The problem with “If only” thinking is, you’re always putting your happiness off — and let’s define happiness as the peak of your effectiveness and fulfillment — into some hazy future. It might as well be never.

If you want to have a happier, more fulfilling new year — with more to show for it — I have a suggestion for you.

Systems thinking

In these and other circumstances, they key is to think less in terms of goals and more in terms of systems. Although this principle finds its most common use in problem solving in science and industry, you may also find it useful for increasing your effectiveness and for creating virtuous circles — chains of things that go right, which facilitate other things that go right — in your life.

So, what’s a system?

A system is a collection of parts that all work together for a specific purpose or set of purposes. These parts can consist of physical structures or entities, but also of the inputs and outputs of the system. It’s possible for a part to be shared by more than one system, but to belong to a system, a part must be integral — essential — to the functioning of the system. To illustrate this, think about the various systems of the human body. The circulatory system contains your heart, lungs, blood, veins and arteries, and its input is oxygen and carbon dioxide is its output. You can identify the parts and inputs/outputs of the skeletal, muscular, digestive, endocrine, nervous and reproductive systems, and you can see how they work together.

Now let’s apply this concept to the aspects of your life with an eye toward making next year better than this one. If you are seeking a better job, the parts might consist of your education, experience, attitude, talent, location, and your network. Your career system inputs would be time and effort, and your outputs would be your specific work product and the money you earn.

Putting it to work

Taking a systems approach to your career, you can begin to understand how to improve the overall efficiency of the system. We’re looking for the smallest tweaks that will deliver the greatest gains. So ask yourself what aspects of the system need tweaking? If you lack skills, how can you increase your competence? If your commute or your extracurricular activities leave you too tired to keep up the pace or maintain consistent quality of output, what changes can you make to enable you to increase your value? It could be a change to your diet to maximize energy, and/or it could be as simple as getting to bed earlier.

Your career is just one system. You can apply this to marriage and family, friendships, community activities, creative pursuits, and your health.

Eating my own cooking

For the new year, I am again replacing the creation of annual goals with an assessment of the various systems in my life. My hypothesis is that this approach will free me from the restrictions of numerical goals (What if I establish too easy of a goal and kill it by the end of February? What if I was too optimistic?) while allowing me to increase the return on investment in every aspect of my life.

It is still important to have measurements and timelines, and yet I believe the systems approach will enable me to keep a better watch on my progress. In the realm of fitness, this approach has made me stronger and more flexible than I thought I’d be at this age.

Give it a try and let’s see where we end up next December — not someday.

So how about you? What systems, inputs and outputs can you identify in your life? How do you intend to tweak them to increase your effectiveness in the coming year? Add your comments below.

P.S. I recognize that many famous people have passed away this year, and we are laboring under this idea that the calendar kills people. You see this with social media postings earnestly addressing 2016 as if it is a living thing. Nonsense! While I mourn the loss of several of my personal favorites this year, we all have to realize that death is part of the package in a fallen world. It’s a sad fact. But more important, each of us has only so many years to accomplish his life’s work. All the more reason, then, to get busy becoming the best possible version of yourself.

“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.”
  — Franklin P. Jones

We can talk about politics another day — and we might want to soon — but for now, here’s a fun story about an afternoon I spent with one of my sons back when he was eight years old:

I should add, if you’re not sure what Levitra is, that it was one of several prescription medicines promoted to treat erectile dysfunction.

Fatherhood is one of my greatest joys. And as they say about contests, you must be present to win. But notice you also have to be careful: laugh at the wrong time and you can wound your son or daughter.

Whether you’re a dad, or hope to be one someday, you have so much to look forward to!

So how about you? What’s one of the funniest things you’ve heard a child say? Add your comment below.

I encountered what I’m about to share with you quite providentially. In a discussion regarding male-female relationships, someone made a passing reference to the letters J.R.R. Tolkien wrote to his son. Being a fan of “The Hobbit” and “The Lord of the Rings, I was intrigued, went looking for the letter, and found it. I have reproduced it below in its entirety — British spellings and all. It is a long, but worthwhile read.

In a future post, I will offer some thoughts on Tolkien’s ideas and how they may apply to your life and mine. In the meantime, notice the fatherly intention and tone of the letter. Here was a man interested in sharing what he had learned with his son — who at the time was recovering in a military hospital from wounds suffered in training during World War II. Enter J.R.R. Tolkien:

“One ring to rule them all…”

From a letter to Michael Tolkien 6-8 March 1941

[On the subject of marriage and relations between the sexes.]

A man’s dealings with women can be purely physical (they cannot really, of course: but I mean he can refuse to take other things into account, to the great damage of his soul (and body) and theirs); or ‘friendly’; or he can be a ‘lover’ (engaging and blending all his affections and powers of mind and body in a complex emotion powerfully coloured and energized by ‘sex’). This is a fallen world. The dislocation of sex-instinct is one of the chief symptoms of the Fall. The world has been ‘going to the bad’ all down the ages. The various social forms shift, and each new mode has its special dangers: but the ‘hard spirit of concupiscence’ has walked down every street, and sat leering in every house, since Adam fell. We will leave aside the ‘immoral’ results. These you desire not to be dragged into. To renunciation you have no call. ‘Friendship’ then? In this fallen world the ‘friendship’ that should be possible between all human beings, is virtually impossible between man and woman. The devil is endlessly ingenious, and sex is his favourite subject. He is as good every bit at catching you through generous romantic or tender motives, as through baser or more animal ones. This ‘friendship’ has often been tried: one side or the other nearly always fails. Later in life when sex cools down, it may be possible. It may happen between saints. To ordinary folk it can only rarely occur: two minds that have really a primarily mental and spiritual affinity may by accident reside in a male and a female body, and yet may desire and achieve a ‘friendship’ quite independent of sex. But no one can count on it. The other partner will let him (or her) down, almost certainly, by ‘falling in love’. But a young man does not really (as a rule) want ‘friendship’, even if he says he does. There are plenty of young men (as a rule). He wants love: innocent, and yet irresponsible perhaps. Allas! Allas! that ever love was sinne! as Chaucer says. Then if he is a Christian and is aware that there is such a thing as sin, he wants to know what to do about it.

There is in our Western culture the romantic chivalric tradition still strong, though as a product of Christendom (yet by no means the same as Christian ethics) the times are inimical to it. It idealizes ‘love’ — and as far as it goes can be very good, since it takes in far more than physical pleasure, and enjoins if not purity, at least fidelity, and so self-denial, ‘service’, courtesy, honour, and courage. Its weakness is, of course, that it began as an artificial courtly game, a way of enjoying love for its own sake without reference to (and indeed contrary to) matrimony. Its centre was not God, but imaginary Deities, Love and the Lady. It still tends to make the Lady a kind of guiding star or divinity – of the old-fashioned ‘his divinity’ = the woman he loves – the object or reason of noble conduct. This is, of course, false and at best make-believe. The woman is another fallen human-being with a soul in peril. But combined and harmonized with religion (as long ago it was, producing much of that beautiful devotion to Our Lady that has been God’s way of refining so much our gross manly natures and emotions, and also of warming and colouring our hard, bitter, religion) it can be very noble. Then it produces what I suppose is still felt, among those who retain even vestigiary Christianity, to be the highest ideal of love between man and woman. Yet I still think it has dangers. It is not wholly true, and it is not perfectly ‘theocentric’. It takes, or at any rate has in the past taken, the young man’s eye off women as they are, as companions in shipwreck not guiding stars. (One result is for observation of the actual to make the young man turn cynical.) To forget their desires, needs and temptations. It inculcates exaggerated notions of ‘true love’, as a fire from without, a permanent exaltation, unrelated to age, childbearing, and plain life, and unrelated to will and purpose. (One result of that is to make young folk look for a ‘love’ that will keep them always nice and warm in a cold world, without any effort of theirs; and the incurably romantic go on looking even in the squalor of the divorce courts).

Women really have not much part in all this, though they may use the language of romantic love, since it is so entwined in all our idioms. The sexual impulse makes women (naturally when unspoiled more unselfish) very sympathetic and understanding, or specially desirous of being so (or seeming so), and very ready to enter into all the interests, as far as they can, from ties to religion, of the young man they are attracted to. No intent necessarily to deceive: sheer instinct: the servient, helpmeet instinct, generously warmed by desire and young blood. Under this impulse they can in fact often achieve very remarkable insight and understanding, even of things otherwise outside their natural range: for it is their gift to be receptive, stimulated, fertilized (in many other matters than the physical) by the male. Every teacher knows that. How quickly an intelligent woman can be taught, grasp his ideas, see his point – and how (with rare exceptions) they can go no further, when they leave his hand, or when they cease to take a personal interest in him. But this is their natural avenue to love. Before the young woman knows where she is (and while the romantic young man, when he exists, is still sighing) she may actually ‘fall in love’. Which for her, an unspoiled natural young woman, means that she wants to become the mother of the young man’s children, even if that desire is by no means clear to her or explicit. And then things are going to happen: and they may be very painful and harmful, if things go wrong. Particularly if the young man only wanted a temporary guiding star and divinity (until he hitches his waggon to a brighter one), and was merely enjoying the flattery of sympathy nicely seasoned with a titillation of sex – all quite innocent, of course, and worlds away from ‘seduction’.

You may meet in life (as in literature¹) women who are flighty, or even plain wanton — I don’t refer to mere flirtatiousness, the sparring practice for the real combat, but to women who are too silly to take even love seriously, or are actually so depraved as to enjoy ‘conquests’, or even enjoy the giving of pain – but these are abnormalities, even though false teaching, bad upbringing, and corrupt fashions may encourage them. Much though modern conditions have changed feminine circumstances, and the detail of what is considered propriety, they have not changed natural instinct. A man has a life-work, a career, (and male friends), all of which could (and do where he has any guts) survive the shipwreck of ‘love’. A young woman, even one ‘economically independent’, as they say now (it usually really means economic subservience to male commercial employers instead of to a father or a family), begins to think of the ‘bottom drawer’ and dream of a home, almost at once. If she really falls in love, the shipwreck may really end on the rocks. Anyway women are in general much less romantic and more practical. Don’t be misled by the fact that they are more ‘sentimental’ in words – freer with ‘darling’, and all that. They do not want a guiding star. They may idealize a plain young man into a hero; but they don’t really need any such glamour either to fall in love or to remain in it. If they have any delusion it is that they can ‘reform’ men. They will take a rotter open-eyed, and even when the delusion of reforming him fails, go on loving him. They are, of course, much more realistic about the sexual relation. Unless perverted by bad contemporary fashions they do not as a rule talk ‘bawdy’; not because they are purer than men (they are not) but because they don’t find it funny. I have known those who pretended to, but it is a pretence. It may be intriguing, interesting, absorbing (even a great deal too absorbing) to them: but it is just plumb natural, a serious, obvious interest; where is the joke?

They have, of course, still to be more careful in sexual relations, for all the contraceptives. Mistakes are damaging physically and socially (and matrimonially). But they are instinctively, when uncorrupt, monogamous. Men are not. …. No good pretending. Men just ain’t, not by their animal nature. Monogamy (although it has long been fundamental to our inherited ideas) is for us men a piece of ‘revealed’ ethic, according to faith and not to the flesh. Each of us could healthily beget, in our 30 odd years of full manhood, a few hundred children, and enjoy the process. Brigham Young (I believe) was a healthy and happy man. It is a fallen world, and there is no consonance between our bodies, minds, and souls.

However, the essence of a fallen world is that the best cannot be attained by free enjoyment, or by what is called ‘self-realization’ (usually a nice name for self-indulgence, wholly inimical to the realization of other selves); but by denial, by suffering. Faithfulness in Christian marriage entails that: great mortification. For a Christian man there is no escape. Marriage may help to sanctify & direct to its proper object his sexual desires; its grace may help him in the struggle; but the struggle remains. It will not satisfy him – as hunger may be kept off by regular meals. It will offer as many difficulties to the purity proper to that state, as it provides easements. No man, however truly he loved his betrothed and bride as a young man, has lived faithful to her as a wife in mind and body without deliberate conscious exercise of the will, without self-denial. Too few are told that — even those brought up ‘in the Church’. Those outside seem seldom to have heard it. When the glamour wears off, or merely works a bit thin, they think they have made a mistake, and that the real soul-mate is still to find. The real soul-mate too often proves to be the next sexually attractive person that comes along. Someone whom they might indeed very profitably have married, if only —. Hence divorce, to provide the ‘if only’. And of course they are as a rule quite right: they did make a mistake. Only a very wise man at the end of his life could make a sound judgement concerning whom, amongst the total possible chances, he ought most profitably to have married! Nearly all marriages, even happy ones, are mistakes: in the sense that almost certainly (in a more perfect world, or even with a little more care in this very imperfect one) both partners might have found more suitable mates. But the ‘real soul-mate’ is the one you are actually married to. You really do very little choosing: life and circumstance do most of it (though if there is a God these must be His instruments, or His appearances). It is notorious that in fact happy marriages are more common where the ‘choosing’ by the young persons is even more limited, by parental or family authority, as long as there is a social ethic of plain unromantic responsibility and conjugal fidelity. But even in countries where the romantic tradition has so far affected social arrangements as to make people believe that the choosing of a mate is solely the concern of the young, only the rarest good fortune brings together the man and woman who are really as it were ‘destined’ for one another, and capable of a very great and splendid love. The idea still dazzles us, catches us by the throat: poems and stories in multitudes have been written on the theme, more, probably, than the total of such loves in real life (yet the greatest of these tales do not tell of the happy marriage of such great lovers, but of their tragic separation; as if even in this sphere the truly great and splendid in this fallen world is more nearly achieved by ‘failure’ and suffering). In such great inevitable love, often love at first sight, we catch a vision, I suppose, of marriage as it should have been in an unfallen world. In this fallen world we have as our only guides, prudence, wisdom (rare in youth, too late in age), a clean, heart, and fidelity of will.….

My own history is so exceptional, so wrong and imprudent in nearly every point that it makes it difficult to counsel prudence. Yet hard cases make bad law; and exceptional cases are not always good guides for others. For what it is worth here is some autobiography – mainly on this occasion directed towards the points of age, and finance.

I fell in love with your mother at the approximate age of 18. Quite genuinely, as has been shown – though of course defects of character and temperament have caused me often to fall below the ideal with which I started. Your mother was older than I, and not a Catholic. Altogether unfortunate, as viewed by a guardian. And it was in a sense very unfortunate; and in a way very bad for me. These things are absorbing and nervously exhausting. I was a clever boy in the throes of work for (a very necessary) Oxford scholarship. The combined tensions nearly produced a bad breakdown. I muffed my exams and though (as years afterwards my H[ead] M[aster] told me) I ought to have got a good scholarship, I only landed by the skin of my teeth an exhibition of £60 at Exeter: just enough with a school leaving scholarship] of the same amount to come up on (assisted by my dear old guardian). Of course there was a credit side, not so easily seen by the guardian. I was clever, but not industrious or single-minded; a large pan of my failure was due simply to not working (at least not at classics) not because I was in love, but because I was studying something else: Gothic and what not. Having the romantic upbringing I made a boy-and-girl affair serious, and made it the source of effort. Naturally rather a physical coward, I passed from a despised rabbit on a house second-team to school colours in two seasons. All that sort of thing. However, trouble arose: and I had to choose between disobeying and grieving (or deceiving) a guardian who had been a father to me, more than most real fathers, but without any obligation, and ‘dropping’ the love-affair until I was 21. I don’t regret my decision, though it was very hard on my lover. But that was not my fault. She was perfectly free and under no vow to me, and I should have had no just complaint (except according to the unreal romantic code) if she had got married to someone else. For very nearly three years I did not see or write to my lover. It was extremely hard, painful and bitter, especially at first. The effects were not wholly good: I fell back into folly and slackness and misspent a good deal of my first year at College. But I don’t think anything else would have justified marriage on the basis of a boy’s affair; and probably nothing else would have hardened the will enough to give such an affair (however genuine a case of true love) permanence. On the night of my 21st birthday I wrote again to your mother – Jan. 3, 1913. On Jan. 8th I went back to her, and became engaged, and informed an astonished family. I picked up my socks and did a spot of work (too late to save Hon. Mods. from disaster) – and then war broke out the next year, while I still had a year to go at college. In those days chaps joined up, or were scorned publicly. It was a nasty cleft to be in, especially for a young man with too much imagination and little physical courage. No degree: no money: fiancée. I endured the obloquy, and hints becoming outspoken from relatives, stayed up, and produced a First in Finals in 1915. Bolted into the army: July 1915. I found the situation intolerable and married on March 22, 1916. May found me crossing the Channel (I still have the verse I wrote on the occasion!) for the carnage of the Somme.

Think of your mother! Yet I do not now for a moment feel that she was doing more than she should have been asked to do – not that that detracts from the credit of it. I was a young fellow, with a moderate degree, and apt to write verse, a few dwindling pounds p. a. (£20 – 40), and no prospects, a Second Lieut. on 7/6 a day in the infantry where the chances of survival were against you heavily (as a subaltern). She married me in 1916 and John was born in 1917 (conceived and carried during the starvation-year of 1917 and the great U-Boat campaign) round about the battle of Cambrai, when the end of the war seemed as far-off as it does now. I sold out, and spent to pay the nursing-home, the last of my few South African shares, ‘my patrimony’.

Out of the darkness of my life, so much frustrated, I put before you the one great thing to love on earth: the Blessed Sacrament. …. There you will find romance, glory, honour, fidelity, and the true way of all your loves upon earth, and more than that: Death: by the divine paradox, that which ends life, and demands the surrender of all, and yet by the taste (or foretaste) of which alone can what you seek in your earthly relationships (love, faithfulness, joy) be maintained, or take on that complexion of reality, of eternal endurance, which every man’s heart desires.”

So how about you? What beliefs about love, sex, and, marriage does Tolkien challenge? Add your comments below.

“What lifetime are you waiting for?” – Bill Hybels

Christmas is soon approaching, and we will do some talking and thinking about it presently. Today, though, I want to encourage you to think about your plans for the new year. I have written before about setting SMART goals, and I won’t repeat myself here, but I want to urge you to think broadly with more of a systems approach to the life you want.

Map the systems of your life and optimize them for a more effective new year.

The plague of “If only” thinking

When I was a child, my parents sometimes gave me books as presents. One such gift was Dr. Seuss’ I Had Trouble in Getting to Solla Sollew (published 50 years ago!). Although not as well-known as some of his other books, Solla Sollew made a great point — and thanks to Dr. Seuss and his gift for rhyme — I have remembered its message ever since.

The main character stubs his toe and encounters a series of other vexations and decides as a result to find a place without these frustrations. Just then, our hero meets a traveler who is on his way to Solla Sollew, “where they never have troubles — at least very few.” The story develops as the hero faces other challenges and reaches a surprising and hopeful conclusion.

If 2015 has been a bad year for you or your family, you might wish for a ticket to Solla Sollew, or at least to a better set of circumstances. I want to challenge you to resist the temptation to think this way. Perhaps you know people in the grip of “If only” thinking. You know: the single people who think if only they were married they’d be happy; the unhappily married ones who think if only they were married to someone else they be happy; the unemployed or underemployed who think if only they had a better job — any job — they’d be happy; or the childless couples who think if only they had a baby they’d be happy. And on and on.

For the record, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be married, with wanting children, with wanting a job, or with the desire for better circumstances. (Though if you’re married and it isn’t going well, I can’t advocate divorce.) The problem with “If only” thinking is, you’re always putting your happiness — and let’s define happiness as the peak of your effectiveness and fulfillment — into some hazy future. It might as well be never.

If you want to have a happier, more fulfilling 2016 — with more to show for it — I have a suggestion for you.

Systems thinking

In these and other circumstances, they key is to think less in terms of goals and more in terms of systems. Although this principle finds its most common use in problem solving in science and industry, you may also find it useful for increasing your effectiveness and for creating virtuous circles — chains of things that go right, which facilitate other things that go right — in your life.

So, what’s a system?

A system is a collection of parts that all work together for a specific purpose or set of purposes. These parts can consist of physical structures or entities, but also of the inputs and outputs of the system. It’s possible for a part to be shared by more than one system, but to belong to a system, a part must be integral — essential — to the functioning of the system. To illustrate this, think about the various systems of the human body. The circulatory system contains your heart, lungs, blood, veins and arteries, and its input is oxygen and carbon dioxide is its output. You can identify the parts and inputs/outputs of the skeletal, digestive, endocrine, nervous and reproductive systems.

Now let’s apply this concept to the aspects of your life with an eye toward making next year better than this one. If you are seeking a better job, the parts might consist of your education, experience, attitude, talent, location, and your network. Your career system inputs would be time and effort, and your outputs would be your specific work product and the money you earn.

Putting it to work

Taking a systems approach to your career, you can begin to understand how to improve the overall efficiency of the system. So ask yourself what aspects of the system need tweaking? If you lack skills, how can you increase your competence? If your commute or your extracurricular activities leave you too tired to keep up the pace or maintain consistent quality of output, what changes can you make to enable you to increase your value? It could be a change to your diet to maximize energy, and/or it could be as simple as getting to bed earlier.

Your career is just one system. You can apply this to marriage and family, friendships, community activities, creative pursuits, and your health.

Eating my own cooking

For 2016, I am replacing the creation of annual goals with an assessment of the various systems in my life. My hypothesis is that this approach will free me from the restrictions of numerical goals (What if I establish too easy of a goal and kill it by the end of February? What if I was too optimistic?) while allowing me to increase the return on investment in every aspect of my life.

It is still important to have measurements and timelines, and yet I believe the systems approach will enable me to keep a better watch on my progress. In the realm of fitness, this approach has made me stronger and more flexible than I thought I’d be at this age.

Give it a try and let’s see where we end up next December — not someday.

So how about you? What systems, inputs and outputs can you identify in your life? How do you intend to tweak them to increase your effectiveness in 2016? Add your comments below.

“The waiting is the hardest part…” – Tom Petty

It doesn’t matter whether you call it being a late bloomer, a slow starter, or failure to launch. Plenty of guys these days are finding it difficult to establish themselves in life. Formal education is expensive, and the return on investment is questionable. Full-time employment is scarce (see previous point), institutions are in disrepute, and relationships are fraught. Oh, the weather outside is frightful… But if this is your situation, I want to encourage you not to despair.

In the dead of winter, it can be hard to imagine spring.

The examples of our forebears

A more recent example

This weekend, I had the privilege to hear Jack Reed speak. Jack is the founder and leader of MountainChild Ministries and he told the story of how he and a group of friends went to Nepal to have an adventure. As they were trekking in the mountains, they met a group of children accompanied by a couple of men. Jack said that something seemed off, and when he and his friends asked what the men were doing, they explained — quite openly — they were taking the children into India to sell them into prostitution.

Jack said he returned from his vacation and tried to forget what he had seen and heard, but he couldn’t three days after he got back, he resigned from his job and returned to Nepal to combat the spiritual and economic poverty that led to the exploitation of these children.

Elsewhere, I’ve encouraged you to discover your life’s purpose. I’ll stand by that advice, but I will make one slight change. Sometimes, your purpose is seeking you. Jack Reed is one more example.

Make it practical, please

Cultivate God-sized dreams

For still the vision awaits its appointed time;
    it hastens to the end—it will not lie.
If it seems slow, wait for it;
    it will surely come; it will not delay.” Habakkuk 2:3 (ESV)

So how about you? What are you waiting for? Add your comments below.

I remember a business book published some years ago whose title was “Free, Perfect, and Now.”  The author’s thesis was that customers’ demands had never been higher, and that those who wished to attract and keep those customers needed to be prepared for this new level of expectation.

There’s no such thing as free time.

I suppose it’s a sign of our comparative prosperity that we can expect — and receive on demand — products of such quality and at such a low price.  At the same time, though, I think that the allure of free is hurting us as a people.

Investment equals engagement
In the various opportunities I’ve had to lead, I have noticed that men tend to pay more attention and to generate better results when they have skin in the game.  I’m not a participant in any fantasy sports leagues, but my friends who are report that the degree of engagement and enjoyment of participants tracks with the entry fees required.  This isn’t surprising, since we confer value – genuine value – in those things we’re willing to pay for.

I saw a bit of this dynamic playing out way back in high school.  Some guys I knew worked weekends, nights and summers  and saved to buy their first cars.  These guys took great pride in — and great care of — those cars.  Then there were the guys who received cars as gifts from their parents or grandparents.  It wasn’t true in every case, but far more of those cars ended up wrapped around trees than the ones that were earned the hard way.  Could it be that the drivers who worked for their cars were more careful drivers?

Time and money
What is money, after all?  A convenient common denominator for labor.  So when we spend money it is a representation of all those hours and all that toil.  When we get for free what others have worked for, it erodes the foundation of value and satisfaction.  It also weakens our ability to delay gratification and to persevere.

Ben Stein once wrote that lawyers and exterminators do very similar work, but under drastically different conditions and for significantly different wages.  This is, as Stein points out, a function of supply and demand.  The costs of a legal education are higher than the costs of an exterminator’s training and certification.  As a result, there are fewer lawyers than exterminators, so lawyers make more money.

You get what you pay for
If you’re a regular reader of this blog, you know that my purpose in writing it is to encourage and motivate you toward Thriving, Authentic Masculinity.  That takes in a lot of territory, and it will take time to get there. You can put what we talk about here into practice by making it a point to invest in this process.    Obviously, work is a necessary first step.  Earn your own money and then begin to upgrade — your skills, your manners, your mind, your health, your wardrobe, your character.  You already know excellence is rare, so become excellent and you become more valuable.  It can be done!

We value things more highly when we’ve expended the labor for them.  When your reputation is based on fluff, or on family connections instead of genuine accomplishment, it’s easy to feel like an impostor.  By contrast, when you’ve put in the time and done the hard work, you’re less vulnerable to that kind of self-doubt.

In Part II, we’ll talk about specific ways the allure of free is threatening our well-being.

So how about you?  Where are you willing to invest — your time, your money, yourself — to make a lasting impact?  Add your comments below.