“A guest never forgets the host who had treated him kindly.”
-Homer

Now that it’s springtime, it’s officially Wedding Season.  Soon you’ll start receiving wedding invitations, and perhaps even requests to stand with one of your friends as a groomsman or even as best man.  If this is new territory for you, here are some tips to help you come through like a boss.

You can add to the joy of the occasion… or not.

It’s all about manners

A speaker at a business etiquette course I attended once said that manners are simply making others feel at ease. If you find yourself deep in the wedding wilderness, let this be your north star.

Respond, please (That’s what RSVP means!)

When you receive an invitation in the mail, you will nearly always see “RSVP” or “The favor of a reply is requested” somewhere on the invitation.  Even if you don’t, regard it as an ironclad rule that your hosts — most often the bride’s family, but nowadays it could be the happy couple themselves — need to know whether or not you’re planning to attend. The self-addressed stamped envelope included with the invitation is for your convenience and their planning. Caterers charge by the plate and that can add up. Check your calendar, arrange for time off, and always send a reply.

Check the registry (and purchase an appropriate gift)

It is tradition to give gifts to the bride and groom to help them set up housekeeping together. Bridal couples register at department stores — and even Target — to help gift-givers know what the new household needs and to avoid duplication. When choosing a gift, consider the relationship and what you can afford.  Your third cousin twice removed is not expecting you to buy her and her husband a refrigerator.

Arrange for delivery of the gift to the bride’s residence before the ceremony. You will see people bringing wedding gift to the reception, but don’t be that guy. By tradition, you have a year from the wedding date to send a wedding gift to the newlyweds.

Don’t assume and don’t presume

Generally, if you’re a member of the wedding party — an usher, groomsman, the best man — or a member of the family of the bride or groom, you’re invited to the rehearsal dinner. Likewise, if you’re an out-of-town guest, you’re normally invited. If you’re unsure, ask discreetly.

If you’re participating in the ceremony, you’re normally responsible for your formal wear rental — often including the shoes —  but not for your own corsage. At out-of-town weddings, you pay your travel expenses, but your hosts ordinarily provide your lodgings.

Going back to the invitation for a moment, unless the inner envelope says your name and guest, only you are invited. Likewise, if you have kiddos and their names do not appear on the inner envelope, arrange for a babysitter.

One last item on this topic: After your friends return from their honeymoon, do not show up uninvited and do not invite yourself to be an overnight guest in their home. Let them extend an invitation after they’ve had some time to adjust to married life.

Show up

Take note of the location and time of day for the wedding, and dress appropriately.  Unless the invitation specifies black tie or the exceedingly rare white tie, a suit or sport coat and tie will be proper.  Press your shirt, trim your nails, shave — or groom your facial hair — and wear your best shoes (women will notice, I promise). Smell good, but not too good. Mind the details.

Be early — guests can be seated as early as 30 minutes before the start of the service. Smile (but not like an idiot). It’s a happy occasion after all.

Friend of the Bride? Friend of the Groom?

Your friends may or may not follow this tradition, but if they do, friends and family of the bride are seated to the left; friends of the groom to the right (walking toward the front of the church).  Note: In traditional Jewish weddings, the bride’s side is the right. If you’ve brought a date to the wedding, she will take the usher’s arm and you’ll follow as he leads you both to your seats.

A toast?

Unless you’ve been asked in advance by the groom, don’t assume this is your responsibility. Some receptions are like poetry slams with round after round of toasts, but these are rare.

If you haven’t been asked, and you still want to offer a toast, clear it with the bride and groom before you bother the DJ, the emcee or the band. They aren’t necessarily going to hand you the mike just because you ask. Most receptions are carefully planned months in advance. Unfortunately, your inspiration may not fit the plan.

OK, so assume you do get to offer your wisdom to the couple and their guests. Please do the following:

• Be on message — Don’t ramble; have a beginning a middle and an end for your remarks planned in advance.  Engage your brain before putting your mouth in gear.
• Be sober — I’ve seen this done the other way.  It ain’t pretty.
• Be specific — Speak to the praiseworthy qualities that make the bride or the groom so wonderful for the other. You do know them, right?
• Be brief. (Ahem.)
• Be memorable, but only in terms of your eloquence, your charm and your decorum.  If you have to look any of those words up, you probably shouldn’t be offering a toast.
• Pro tip: In being witty, don’t say anything that could be construed as suggestive, off-color or rude.  It’s a toast, not a roast.  There will almost certainly be children and grandparents in attendance.  It is bad form to offend either group, let alone your hosts.

Dance the night away

Part of the purpose of a wedding reception is to bring the bride and groom’s single friends together.  Weddings can be contagious.  It is good manners to introduce yourself to the other guests as you circulate and engage in light conversation.  If you’re single, you’ll endear yourself to the single young women present if you’re confident enough to ask them to dance.  You can tell which women are single when they assemble for the bouquet toss.  If you’re single, you show up for the garter toss, too.

Over the course of the evening, the best man — married or single — ordinarily dances with the bride, the maid or matron of honor, the bridesmaids, the mothers of the bride and groom, and single female guests.  This is the time to be a gentleman.  Brush up on some real dance steps and have fun on the dance floor.

Thank your hosts

It’s manners 101, but if you want to stand out in the best kind of way, make sure you find the parents of the bride before you leave and thank them for their hospitality.  Even though it will be an emotional day for them, they will remember your courtesy.

So how about you?  What’s your best wedding story?  Add your comments below.

“Ballroom dancing made a man of me.”
-Paul McCartney

The mission of this blog is to motivate and inspire you to embrace Thriving Authentic Masculinity and to become the best possible version of yourself.  Toward that end, we engage topics that affect your physical, emotional and spiritual health, along with subjects that can help you excel socially — like this and this.  If you want to attract a quality woman — or to maintain attraction with the one you have, let me recommend ballroom dancing for your edification.

This guy’s got it! Now all he needs is his partner.

A generation ago, parents sent their adolescent sons and daughters to Cotillion to learn etiquette and how to dance.  Stripped of its artifice, I see now that it was designed to provide some external reinforcement of social norms and niceties, but also to make introductions between young men and young women, with hopes that eventually some might become husbands and wives.  (I said it was a long time ago.)

Every Friday night for twelve weeks, we would all crowd into our town’s Masonic Temple — boys on one side, girls on the other — and learn the Foxtrot, the waltz, the cha-cha and the shag (a Carolinas variant of the western swing and or the jitterbug).  The instructors, a married couple older than our parents, would cue up the same records each week for each dance, and our respective ranks would imitate our human avatars.  It was mildly interesting, but then they told us to walk to the center of the room and “pair up” with the person in front of us.

Now it was no longer theory.  You had to actually dance with a girl and it had to be good.  The pairs would only last as long as a song.  After that, the instructors commanded us to change partners and each of us moved to our right to dance with the girl next to our former partner.  No picking favorites.  no skipping.  From what I’ve read, speed dating uses a similar model.

After our twelve weeks of instruction, we were invited to a dance at the Country Club where we and our “dates” got to show our parents what we had learned.

It wasn’t long after this that disco became popular and ballroom dancing à la Cotillion was over.  Nearly twenty years later when my brother-in-law got engaged, his fiancée was a professional singer, and they told their invited guests that her big band would perform at the reception.  To get ready, my wife and I enrolled in a ballroom dancing course at the local community college.

Once again, the men lined up on one side of the room (a high school cafeteria this time), women on the other, and we learned the Foxtrot, the waltz, the cha-cha, the western swing and the Rhumba. It meant so much more to take the class with my wife and — here’s the best part — we still have occasion to use those steps from time to time.

Here’s what ballroom dancing can teach you:

• The man must lead. — Only one partner can lead the dance — traditionally it’s the man.  It isn’t just an honorary role, and it isn’t patriarchal.  No, to lead in the dance, a man must guide his partner with his hands, his body, his eyes.  A little pressure on the hip, a little change in the grip — all of it has significance.  Dancing well means leading well, and if the woman you’re dancing with is a good dancer, she’ll follow your lead.
• Learn the steps.  — Confidence is attractive.  Being unsure is not.  Will you dance perfectly?  Probably not, and most assuredly not over the course of an entire evening.  If you’re solid on the five dances above, you can spend a delightful evening with a beautiful woman in your arms.
• Feel the music. — This can be hard to explain, but for dancing, music is not so much about hearing the music with your ears, or counting the rhythm in your mind.  Instead, it’s about feeling it.  If you’re not musical, or if you aren’t particularly good at keeping time, you can count beats while you’re listening to music, or go further and download a metronome app and become familiar with different rhythms and tempos.  Learn to hear with your body.
• Don’t look at your feet. — To lead properly on the dance floor, you must be aware of your partner and where the two of you are relative to other couples on the dance floor. If for no other reason, you need to avoid looking at your feet.  Stand up to your full height and look into your partner’s eyes as you lead her.  Smile even if she steps on your new Johnston and Murphys.  You’ll become more attractive to her. Honest.
• Style doesn’t cost extra. — If you’ve invited your date to a dance, look the part.  You don’t have to wear a suit and tie, but if you do, you don’t have to keep the jacket on all evening.  You’ll likely perspire if you stay on the dance floor.  This means a man should show  up properly groomed. Good grooming is mostly about eliminating excess — excess wrinkles, excess scuff marks, excess sweat, excess hair, excess odor — you get the idea.
• It’s your job to make her look good. — In the same way your leading isn’t chauvinistic, making her look good isn’t putting her on a pedestal.  It is simply the etiquette of the thing.  This is the same reason men wear tuxedos to formal events and women wear ball gowns, and why it’s a big deal if two women show up in the same outfit. To make her look good, review the items above and lead.  Lead her onto the dance floor, take her in your arms as is appropriate for the type of dance, and don’t attempt any spins, turns, dips or flips if she doesn’t know how to execute them.  You can always take a course together. If she’s not your date for the evening, when the song ends escort her off the dance floor and thank her for the dance. That’s rockin’ it Cotillion-style!
• Enjoy the dance. — Dancing is supposed to be fun, so do all the hard work before you show up at the next dance. If you’re at an event unescorted where there are other unescorted women, asking a woman to dance can be a great icebreaker. (That’s how I met my wife.) If you have mastered the basics and can lead with confidence, all you have to do from there is to be able to carry on a conversation. You never know where it can take you, but if you do it right you’ll have a partner.

So how about you? How would learning ballroom dancing help you become the best possible version of yourself? Add your comments below.

“The best argument for Christianity is Christians: their joy, their certainty, their completeness. But the strongest argument against Christianity is also Christians–when they are sombre and joyless, when they are self-righteous and smug in complacent consecration, when they are narrow and repressive, then Christianity dies a thousand deaths.” – Sheldon Vanauken, A Severe Mercy

As of last Friday, it would seem that the Supreme Court of the US took the definition of marriage from the hands of the people and put it on a high shelf out of reach. Plenty of others have commented on the legal, moral and social implications of the 5-4 Obergefell v. Hodges decision, so I don’t intend to take our time here being outraged. Instead, I want to offer these seven steps to help you remain hopeful in spite of the decision.

I don’t really have anything clever. Somehow this image seems apt.

But first, a reminder

I have declared my biases from the beginning: I am a profoundly imperfect follower of Jesus Christ and I depend on Him and His grace. I hold the Bible to be the inspired, inerrant Word of God. What it says about the nature of God and the nature of man I take as true for all people in all places at all times. (It’s not necessary for you to agree with me, but you should not have to guess where I’m coming from.)

Although I publish this blog on my dime and on my own time, I serve my local church as an elder, so I am not my own. I do not reserve to myself the right to write or speak in a way to bring disgrace on those to whom I am obligated, including my Lord. In the spirit of loving God and loving my neighbor, I offer the following as encouragement to those feeling disappointed or dismayed by the court’s decision.

1. Look around. Nothing eternal has changed

True, the Supreme Court has ruled, and justices of the peace and county clerks are doing land office business issuing marriage licenses and performing ceremonies for same-sex couples. But God is still sovereign and He gets the last word over the affairs of men. The physical and moral laws of the created order are still in effect. Psalm 46:10 reminds us, “Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” This God is the Most High — the King of all kings and His kingdom in unshakeable.

2. Rejoice: Agape love wins

This is the trouble with English: we only have one word for love. In the US, when the word love appears in conjunction with the word marriage, the connotation is of romantic or erotic love — eros.

I submit to you that the kind of love that never fails is that unconditional love that the ancient Greeks called agape. This kind of love is not transactional, is not rooted in feelings and begins and ends with God Himself. This is the love that motivated God to have mercy on His fallen creatures, to take on human flesh and make atonement in our place to satisfy the claims of divine justice. Even if we must suffer for it, this is what we are called to offer to this fallen world.

3. Say it after me: My stuff stinks

We are all fallen. The Bible teaches that we have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). It is a form of pride to categorize sin — especially when I seek to file all of mine under N for “Not That Bad.”

In The 22 Immutable Laws of Marketing, Al Ries and Jack Trout wrote, “when you admit a negative, the (customer) will give you a positive.” In this context, being candid about our own failings  — especially our own sexual brokenness — and our ongoing need for God’s grace, may cause those who don’t share our faith at least to acknowledge our good will and perhaps to reconsider God’s offer of forgiveness.

4. Hold your head up

I like being liked. Nearly all of us do. (I said nearly all, ok?) It is tempting to soft-pedal what one thinks about the issue of same-sex marriage — especially when friends and colleagues are applying rainbow filters to their profile pictures. Although the matter at law was decided outside of the political process, what citizens believe and live by still matters. This is no time to go into hiding, nor to be intimidated into silence.

The thing about truth is, once you know it, you can’t un-know it. If we have faith that God exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him, we do not have to fear. More importantly, there is still a vast world of hurting people who need the love of God – we are just the people to bring it to them.

5. Don’t be fooled

Freedom of worship is not the same thing as freedom of religion. Freedom of religion includes the freedom to worship, but the opposite is not true. This is a linguistic shell game that we must refuse to play, because freedom of religion is the first freedom. The freedom to practice your religion means you are at liberty to act or not act according to the tenets of your faith and your conscience. If your conscience is privatized, what you believe will only be allowed within the walls of your church and between your ears – it won’t be allowed to show up in any meaningful way.

6. Be on the lookout for triumphalism

There are lots of people — from the president on down — hailing this decision. Fair enough. But there have already been triumphalist articles like this one, calling for elimination of churches’ tax exempt status if they refuse to alter their doctrines to accommodate the will of the Supreme Court. There are plenty of flaws in the argument — not least of which is calling a tax-exemption a subsidy — but this idea clearly overlooks the many ways faithful believers and their congregations improve their communities and send medical care, literacy, clean water — and hope — all over the world.

There’s also this: Jesus said the gates of Hell would not prevail against His church. This is encouraging enough to keep us going, but sobering enough to keep us humble. In the meantime, heed Jesus’ admonition to be as cunning as serpents, gentle as doves, and be a street-smart Christian.

7. Remain vigilant

In a previous post, we discussed how Marxist feminism sought to bring about cultural revolution by destroying men. Recall that the snares intended to destroy men were (and I quote), “… promiscuity, eroticism, prostitution and homosexuality.”

When I published the original post, I understood how the first three were corrosive to monogamy, but I was unclear how homosexuality played into this. Redefining marriage — or more specifically, saying there is absolutely no difference between heterosexual and homosexual unions — makes this clear. Add to that the high percentage of self-reported “open” same sex marriages, and the picture’s focus gets sharper still. Over time, we’ll see whether and to what extent same-sex marriages become more like heterosexual marriages, or whether heterosexual marriages become more like their same-sex counterparts.

We are fallen creatures, and temptation is strong — especially sexual temptation. But participation in the program of our own destruction is completely voluntary. If we believe there is a qualitative difference in favor of heterosexual marriage, those of us who are married need to do a better job of  stewarding the institution.

Waiting for orders

As long as we live, we who bear the name of Christ are to love selflessly and serve the lost and the least. As the author of Hebrews wrote:

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, ² looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

³ Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted.” – Hebrews 12:1-3 (ESV)

We who follow Jesus are no longer setting the agenda for our culture. This does not relieve us of our duty to love those for whom God gave His son — yes, especially when it’s difficult.

So how about you? How do you intend to stay hopeful? Add your comments below.

“…but if you try sometimes… you get what you need.”
-Mick Jagger

In part I, we discussed why encouraging men to just say “Yes, Dear,” to keep peace is horrible advice. In this second installment, I’d like to offer some thoughts on how and why a man is called by God to lead his wife. The following will make more sense if you read the first installment. Go ahead. I’ll wait.

You are to lead! Get the picture?

Overcoming Newton’s first law

Perhaps the biggest obstacle to leading is the inertia of not leading. It’s easier to leave things as they are. The problem with this thinking is, as I have pointed out, if your wife doesn’t respect you, she won’t desire you. If she doesn’t desire you, she might divorce you.

We’ve noted before that over 70% of divorces in the US are initiated by the wife. Lead or lose — your choice.

But my wife won’t go along with my leading

And this is why she thinks you’re weak. A true leader will do what’s right in the face of opposition — even if that means rocking the boat. If you have not been leading and you step up, you can expect three things from your wife, right from the jump:
1) She will doubt you mean it until you prove that you do.
2) She will test your commitment via fitness tests.
3) She will be pleased, but by force of habit, she will try to take the reins.

How do I pass the tests?

Be confident. Be consistent. You must not waver and you must not capitulate. Be loving and be firm. You do not have to be unkind. You don’t have to be cruel. You do have to be strong.

You will not do this perfectly, and you may fail at times, reverting to your old ways. As with anything else, if you fall down, get back up. Even if it doesn’t seem like it at the time, your wife is rooting for you. Strive to be the man she needs and you will be the man she wants.

As part of this new you,  you may have to take on some tasks you’ve “delegated” through passivity — such as managing your family’s finances, leading devotions or disciplining your children. If you really are the leader, you don’t have to say so. Just lead.

Learning how to lead

God designed us for and redeemed us for liberty. This means that you have to read your Bible with your heart and your mind. This is especially true in learning to be the spiritual head of your family. There are some wonderfully instructive Bible verses concerning the marital hierarchy. Reading and understanding them is easy, but putting them to work is more difficult. This requires a man to practice, to fail and to try again.

Some of the hardest and loneliest moments of leadership are the ones where a leader has to make the decision — even against the wishes of those he leads. And yet these occasions often prove to be the most consequential.

I make no claim to being the perfect husband or the perfect leader but I am willing to offer what I have learned in nearly 30 years of marriage. I welcome your questions.

Learning why to lead

The Bible explains the why of spiritual headship. Men and women are equally fallen, and God has prescribed headship for men. This is not a reward for being slightly less wrong. It is a sacred responsibility to love our wives the way Christ loved the church. Protection and provision are two of the main space/time ways this shows up, but there is an even greater burden that falls to the husband as spiritual head.

The goal of loving your wife sacrificially is to present her to Jesus holy and blameless. Ephesians 5:25-27 explains that this involves a process of helping her to become more like Jesus — “cleansing her by the washing with water through the word.”

If you’ve tried to learn golf or guitar on your own you know that there is often a gap between what we say we want and what we will do. This is where we submit to a coach or a teacher. In your marriage, that’s your role. Even if your wife is a spiritual giant, she wants and needs you to lead her to Jesus in your daily life. You have a God-appointed role — and a God-sized task. But take heart, God promises to help you.

Learning to listen

Note that leading does not mean you are have to make all the decisions by yourself. As John Eldredge says, God intends for your wife to be your ezer kenegdo — your life saver — so as you lead your family you pay attention to your wife’s counsel. It took me several years of marriage to understand that my wife rarely offered an unsolicited opinion, and to appreciate that when she did, her purpose was to help me be my best. She didn’t marry me to thwart me or to see me fail — quite the opposite.

I am the spiritual head of my home, and my wife is my most valuable and trusted advisor — a gift from God.   I hope you can see how this differs from simply turning off my brain and following the “Yes, Dear” plan.

Don’t be a dictator

Be a king instead — noble, strong and virtuous. And recognize that your wife is your queen. We have established that leaders sometimes have to say no. It does not follow that they must always do so. One of Dr. Louis Rader’s leadership axioms was, “As long as you remain in neutral, you can only go where you’re pushed.” If you’re going to fulfill your destiny as a man, a husband and a father, you’ve got to put it in gear.

So how about you? What are you willing to change in order to lead your family? Add your comments below.

“You can’t always get what you want…”
-Mick Jagger

I attend a lot of wedding receptions. I’m playing at most of them, but I am also at an age where my sons’ friends — and my friends’ sons — are getting married. It doesn’t happen at every event, but you’d be surprised at how many of these evenings feature at least one man advising the groom that the key to marital happiness is to say, “Yes, Dear,” early and often. This doesn’t take into account the various men’s conferences I’ve attended that contained the same counsel. While I agree it’s a popular thing to say, with all due respect, this is terrible advice. Here’s why:

Women like pansies – when they’re up to their necks in dirt.

Being agreeable doesn’t mean you’ll always agree

First, the “Yes, Dear” strategy fails the logic test. It’s impossible to be in total agreement on every issue — and even less likely that this agreement can or will endure over an entire lifetime. Whether it’s what color to paint the hall bathroom or what to have for dinner, you and your wife will disagree. That’s natural and normal. If your default position is, “Whatever you want, Honey,” you are not only forcing your wife to carry your share of the load, you are also abdicating leadership that your wife wants and needs.

The source of our trouble

The fall –described in Genesis 3, explains where all our pain comes from. We were initially created sinless and immortal, but our first parents abused the gift of free will and rejected God’s loving instructions. As a result, sin, sickness, death and all kinds of strife entered our existence. As I have explained before, God intervened and explained the consequences to Adam and Eve.

Among other things, God intensified the pain of childbirth for women and explained that she would desire to dominate her husband, but that he would rule over her. Notice this. it’s important. In our fallen condition, a wife will try to control her husband.

You get what you reward

If your wife’s default program is to try to dominate her husband (that’d be you, man), your forever saying “Yes, Dear,” will create two undesirable outcomes. First, you will teach your wife to expect always to get her way. Second, and more ominously, she will come to regard you as weak, thereby losing respect — and attraction — for you. It is human to nature both to crave and to test boundaries. And make no mistake your wife will test you. Some people have another name for them, but we’ll refer to them here as fitness tests.

Anatomy of a fitness test

A woman competes with other women to secure the attention of the highest status man she can get. Even when she has a covenantal commitment from a man, she wants to be certain her man continues to rate. So from time to time she will put him on the spot. Sometimes it takes the form of a question. Other times, it’s an accusation. No matter what the surface of it looks like, she really wants to know whether or not you have what it takes.

Let me illustrate how this works a thought experiment. Think back to middle school and any day you had a new substitute teacher. If you were at all like I was at that age, my bet is you pushed the substitute to see what you could get away with. The ones with firm boundaries earned respect. The ones who didn’t have confidence and or that tried to be everybody’s friend were regarded as a joke.

You can imagine then how harmful it will be to your marriage if instead of leading your family you seek to be the weak sub who is everybody’s pal. It would be comical except for the harm it will do when your wife gives you the “I love you; I’m just not in love with you, ” talk as she seeks a more exciting — read: dominant — man.

To be clear, this won’t happen in one afternoon, but over time you can kill attraction in your wife by failing to lead.

Objection!

“But that isn’t Christian!” I hear you protest. “We took vows!” Yes, you did. And still, Christian couples seek divorces and annulments — thankfully not as frequently as the culture at large, but far more often than one would expect.

Listen, I affirm orthodox Christian doctrine, and it is foolish to ignore facts of nature that can kill or maim you. I’m thinking of things like sharks, bears and divorce attorneys. My motivation here is to help you build a biblically sound marriage that lasts until death separates you. Because I believe and teach orthodoxy, I love truth and I don’t deny it even when it’s uncomfortable. That should be your practice as well.

50 Shades of Reality

No matter what women say they want in a man, you can’t ignore how they vote with their attention. I have observed before how 50 Shades of Grey is a backhanded (and pornographic) refutation of feminism. Apparently women daydream of a man unafraid to take charge, a man who owns his opinion and is unashamed of his desire. Some of the 100 million+ women reading those books and buying movie tickets are regular churchgoers. Like it or not, you can’t say I never told you.

So how about you? How are you learning to lead your family? Add your comments below.

Note: In Part II, we’ll talk about some hows and whys of marital headship.

The mission of this blog is to motivate and inspire you to embrace Thriving Authentic Masculinity and to become the best possible version of yourself.  Toward that end, we engage topics that affect your physical, emotional and spiritual health, along with subjects that can help you excel socially — like this and this.  If you want to attract a quality woman — or to maintain attraction with the one you have, let me recommend ballroom dancing for your edification.

This guy’s got it! Now all he needs is his partner.

A generation ago, parents sent their adolescent sons and daughters to Cotillion to learn etiquette and how to dance.  Stripped of its artifice, I see now that it was designed to provide some external reinforcement of social norms and niceties, but also to make introductions between young men and young women, with hopes that eventually some might become husbands and wives.  (I said it was a long time ago.)

Every Friday night for twelve weeks, we would all crowd into our town’s Masonic Temple — boys on one side, girls on the other — and learn the Foxtrot, the waltz, the cha-cha and the shag (a Carolinas variant of the western swing and or the jitterbug).  The instructors, a married couple older than our parents, would cue up the same records each week for each dance, and our respective ranks would imitate our human avatars.  It was mildly interesting, but then they told us to walk to the center of the room and “pair up” with the person in front of us.

Now it was no longer theory.  You had to actually dance with a girl and it had to be good.  The pairs would only last as long as a song.  After that, the instructors commanded us to change partners and each of us moved to our right to dance with the girl next to our former partner.  No picking favorites.  no skipping.  From what I’ve read, speed dating uses a similar model.

After our twelve weeks of instruction, we were invited to a dance at the Country Club where we and our “dates” got to show our parents what we had learned.

It wasn’t long after this that disco became popular and ballroom dancing à la Cotillion was over.  Nearly twenty years later when my brother-in-law got engaged, his fiancée was a professional singer, and they told their invited guests that her big band would perform at the reception.  To get ready, my wife and I enrolled in a ballroom dancing course at the local community college.

Once again, the men lined up on one side of the room (a high school cafeteria this time), women on the other, and we learned the Foxtrot, the waltz, the cha-cha, the western swing and the Rhumba. It meant so much more to take the class with my wife and — here’s the best part — we still have occasion to use those steps from time to time.

Here’s what ballroom dancing can teach you:

• The man must lead. — Only one partner can lead the dance — traditionally it’s the man.  It isn’t just an honorary role, and it isn’t patriarchal.  No, to lead in the dance, a man must guide his partner with his hands, his body, his eyes.  A little pressure on the hip, a little change in the grip — all of it has significance.  Dancing well means leading well, and if the woman you’re dancing with is a good dancer, she’ll follow your lead.
• Learn the steps.  — Confidence is attractive.  Being unsure is not.  Will you dance perfectly?  Probably not, and most assuredly not over the course of an entire evening.  If you’re solid on the five dances above, you can spend a delightful evening with a beautiful woman in your arms.
• Feel the music. — This can be hard to explain, but for dancing, music is not so much about hearing the music with your ears, or counting the rhythm in your mind.  Instead, it’s about feeling it.  If you’re not musical, or if you aren’t particularly good at keeping time, you can count beats while you’re listening to music, or go further and download a metronome app and become familiar with different rhythms and tempos.  Learn to hear with your body.
• Don’t look at your feet. — To lead properly on the dance floor, you must be aware of your partner and where the two of you are relative to other couples on the dance floor. If for no other reason, you need to avoid looking at your feet.  Stand up to your full height and look into your partner’s eyes as you lead her.  Smile even if she steps on your new Johnston and Murphys.  You’ll become more attractive to her. Honest.
• Style doesn’t cost extra. — If you’ve invited your date to a dance, look the part.  You don’t have to wear a suit and tie, but if you do, you don’t have to keep the jacket on all evening.  You’ll likely perspire if you stay on the dance floor.  This means a man should show  up properly groomed. Good grooming is mostly about eliminating excess — excess wrinkles, excess scuff marks, excess sweat, excess hair, excess odor — you get the idea.
• It’s your job to make her look good. — In the same way your leading isn’t chauvinistic, making her look good isn’t putting her on a pedestal.  It is simply the etiquette of the thing.  This is the same reason men wear tuxedos to formal events and women wear ball gowns, and why it’s a big deal if two women show up in the same outfit. To make her look good, review the items above and lead.  Lead her onto the dance floor, take her in your arms as is appropriate for the type of dance, and don’t attempt any spins, turns, dips or flips if she doesn’t know how to execute them.  You can always take a course together. If she’s not your date for the evening, when the song ends escort her off the dance floor and thank her for the dance. That’s rockin’ it Cotillion-style!
• Enjoy the dance. — Dancing is supposed to be fun, so do all the hard work before you show up at the next dance. If you’re at an event unescorted where there are other unescorted women, asking a woman to dance can be a great icebreaker. (That’s how I met my wife.) If you have mastered the basics and can lead with confidence, all you have to do from there is to be able to carry on a conversation. You never know where it can take you, but if you do it right you’ll have a partner.

So how about you? How would learning ballroom dancing help you become the best possible version of yourself? Add your comments below.

I have the privilege of attending a lot of wedding functions.  Many of my paying gigs are wedding receptions, and as a result I get to meet with brides and grooms and get to know them a little.   Sometimes I get to offer recommendations regarding the reception.  So far nobody has asked me what I recommend in the way of wedding vows, but if they did,  I would absolutely recommend the traditional vows as they appear in the Book of Common Prayer:

The priest is dead, the church burned down, the groom lost his hair, but they’re still in love.

The Declaration of Consent

The Celebrant says to the woman

N., will you have this man to be your husband; to live
together in the covenant of marriage?  Will you love him,
comfort him, honor and keep him, in sickness and in health;
and, forsaking all others, be faithful to him as long as you
both shall live?

The Woman answers
I will.

The Celebrant says to the man

N., will you have this woman to be your wife; to live
together in the covenant of marriage?  Will you love her,
comfort her, honor and keep her, in sickness and in health;
and, forsaking all others, be faithful to her as long as you
both shall live?

The Man answers
I will.

 

The Marriage

The Man, facing the woman and taking her right hand in his, says

In the Name of God, I, N., take you, N., to be my wife, to
have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse,
for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to
cherish, until we are parted by death.  This is my solemn vow.

Then they loose their hands, and the Woman, still facing the man, takes
his right hand in hers, and says

In the Name of God, I, N., take you, N., to be my husband,
to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for
worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love
and to cherish, until we are parted by death.  This is my
solemn vow.

The loose their hands.

The Priest may ask God’s blessing on a ring or rings as follows

Bless, O Lord, this ring to be a sign of the vows by which
this man and this woman have bound themselves to each
other; through Jesus Christ our Lord.  Amen.

The giver places the ring on the ring-finger of the other’s hand and says

N., I give you this ring as a symbol of my vow, and with all
that I am, and all that I have, I honor you, in the Name of
the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit (or in the
Name of God).”

First things

Note first that these are vows — solemn promises made first to God, then to each other.  A covenant between the two of you and Almighty God is binding, so the words you speak are important.  I recommend that you and your fiancée study them carefully and mean them when you say them to each other.

Why old-school vows are the best

Did you think I forgot the purpose of this post?  Old-school wedding vows address eight important facets of what marriage is. Here’s my list — feel free to add your insights below:

• Consent — This is a big topic these days.  Traditional vows ask the woman first if she indeed agrees to take her fiancé as her husband.  Then he gets to answer the same question regarding his intention to take her as his wife.
• Duties – Each is to love, comfort, honor and keep the other.  He’s not getting a maid; she’s not getting a butler.
• Faithfulness — Under Heaven, she is to be his highest priority, and he is to be hers.  God is joining you for His purposes and he means for you to remain devoted to each other.  No hall passes or elevator lists.  Nobody on the side.
• Personal – Note the marriage begins with “I, George, take you, Martha, to be my wife.”  The speaking of each other’s names and the choosing of each other verbally is powerful.
• Intimate – “To have and to hold” refers to the importance of the marriage bed over the course of your  life together.  Notice this phrase appears twice in a very short span of time.  It’s that important.
• Exclusive – This is what “forsaking all others” means.  Husbands and wives are to look to each other for the deepest intimacy.  Nobody — not mom and dad, not the kids, not the pastor, not the boss, not former girlfriends, not current friends — is to come before the obligations to love and care for each other
• Forever — “Until we are parted by death” or “As long as we both shall live,” as it is also sometimes said.  Please note: Some couples revise this to “As long as we both shall love.” Barf!  This is essentially saying “I promise until I no longer promise.”  If you can’t commit for life, perhaps you shouldn’t get married.
• No matter what — Notice that the vows spell out the range of conditions a couple can experience — sickness and health; plenty and want; prosperity and adversity — and note that the expectation remains the same regardless of bank balance or blood pressure.

The big idea

If you believe that marriage is given as a sign of the relationship between Christ and the Church, the you can see that the love and devotion due one’s spouse is unconditional.

Someone once asked me, “If you could have all that Heaven is — but without God, would you take it?”  I answered that a Heaven without God would be Hell itself.  It’s a great question for clarifying our motives.

Traditional wedding vows are designed to get at a similar idea.  If health, money, looks, and all the fun dried up, would she be enough?  Would she think you’re enough?   Anything other than a firm yes here spells trouble.

When we perform for newlyweds, I nearly always tell them that marriage is hard work, but it’s worth it.  I stand by that.  If you and your beloved make solid vows and take them seriously, this will help you do the hard but worthwhile work of marriage.

So how about you? What sort of vows do you plan to use for your wedding and why?  Add your comments below.

Now that it’s springtime, it’s officially Wedding Season.  Soon you’ll start receiving wedding invitations, and perhaps even requests to stand with one of your friends as a groomsman or even as best man.  If this is new territory for you, here are some tips to help you come through like a boss.

You can add to the joy of the occasion… or not.

It’s all about manners

A speaker at a business etiquette course I attended once said that manners are simply making others feel at ease. If you find yourself deep in the wedding wilderness, let this be your north star.

Respond, please (That’s what RSVP means!)

When you receive an invitation in the mail, you will nearly always see “RSVP” or “The favor of a reply is requested” somewhere on the invitation.  Even if you don’t, regard it as an ironclad rule that your hosts — most often the bride’s family, but nowadays it could be the happy couple themselves — need to know whether or not you’re planning to attend. The self-addressed stamped envelope included with the invitation is for your convenience and their planning. Caterers charge by the plate and that can add up. Check your calendar, arrange for time off, and always send a reply.

Check the registry (and purchase an appropriate gift)

It is tradition to give gifts to the bride and groom to help them set up housekeeping together. Bridal couples register at department stores — and even Target — to help gift-givers know what the new household needs and to avoid duplication. When choosing a gift, consider the relationship and what you can afford.  Your third cousin twice removed is not expecting you to buy her and her husband a refrigerator.

Arrange for delivery of the gift to the bride’s residence before the ceremony. You will see people bringing wedding gift to the reception, but don’t be that guy. By tradition, you have a year from the wedding date to send a wedding gift to the newlyweds.

Don’t assume and don’t presume

Generally, if you’re a member of the wedding party — an usher, groomsman, the best man — or a member of the family of the bride or groom, you’re invited to the rehearsal dinner. Likewise, if you’re an out-of-town guest, you’re normally invited. If you’re unsure, ask discreetly.

If you’re participating in the ceremony, you’re normally responsible for your formal wear rental — often including the shoes —  but not for your own corsage. At out-of-town weddings, you pay your travel expenses, but your hosts ordinarily provide your lodgings.

Going back to the invitation for a moment, unless the inner envelope says your name and guest, only you are invited. Likewise, if you have kiddos and their names do not appear on the inner envelope, arrange for a babysitter.

One last item on this topic: After your friends return from their honeymoon, do not show up uninvited and do not invite yourself to be an overnight guest in their home. Let them extend an invitation after they’ve had some time to adjust to married life.

Show up

Take note of the location and time of day for the wedding, and dress appropriately.  Unless the invitation specifies black tie or the exceedingly rare white tie, a suit or sport coat and tie will be proper.  Press your shirt, trim your nails, shave — or groom your facial hair — and wear your best shoes (women will notice, I promise). Smell good, but not too good. Mind the details.

Be early — guests can be seated as early as 30 minutes before the start of the service. Smile (but not like an idiot). It’s a happy occasion after all.

Friend of the Bride? Friend of the Groom?

Your friends may or may not follow this tradition, but if they do, friends and family of the bride are seated to the left; friends of the groom to the right (walking toward the front of the church).  Note: In traditional Jewish weddings, the bride’s side is the right. If you’ve brought a date to the wedding, she will take the usher’s arm and you’ll follow as he leads you both to your seats.

A toast?

Unless you’ve been asked in advance by the groom, don’t assume this is your responsibility. Some receptions are like poetry slams with round after round of toasts, but these are rare.

If you haven’t been asked, and you still want to offer a toast, clear it with the bride and groom before you bother the DJ, the emcee or the band. They aren’t necessarily going to hand you the mike just because you ask. Most receptions are carefully planned months in advance. Unfortunately, your inspiration may not fit the plan.

OK, so assume you do get to offer your wisdom to the couple and their guests. Please do the following:

• Be on message — Don’t ramble; have a beginning a middle and an end for your remarks planned in advance.  Engage your brain before putting your mouth in gear.
• Be sober — I’ve seen this done the other way.  It ain’t pretty.
• Be specific — Speak to the praiseworthy qualities that make the bride or the groom so wonderful for the other. You do know them, right?
• Be brief. (Ahem.)
• Be memorable, but only in terms of your eloquence, your charm and your decorum.  If you have to look any of those words up, you probably shouldn’t be offering a toast.
• Pro tip: In being witty, don’t say anything that could be construed as suggestive, off-color or rude.  It’s a toast, not a roast.  There will almost certainly be children and grandparents in attendance.  It is bad form to offend either group, let alone your hosts.

Dance the night away

Part of the purpose of a wedding reception is to bring the bride and groom’s single friends together.  Weddings can be contagious.  It is good manners to introduce yourself to the other guests as you circulate and engage in light conversation.  If you’re single, you’ll endear yourself to the single young women present if you’re confident enough to ask them to dance.  You can tell which women are single when they assemble for the bouquet toss.  If you’re single, you show up for the garter toss, too.

Over the course of the evening, the best man — married or single — ordinarily dances with the bride, the maid or matron of honor, the bridesmaids, the mothers of the bride and groom, and single female guests.  This is the time to be a gentleman.  Brush up on some real dance steps and have fun on the dance floor.

Thank your hosts

It’s manners 101, but if you want to stand out in the best kind of way, make sure you find the parents of the bride before you leave and thank them for their hospitality.  Even though it will be an emotional day for them, they will remember your courtesy.

So how about you?  What’s your best wedding story?  Add your comments below.