“Rain and storm and dark skies
Well now they don’t mean a thing
If you got a girl that loves you
And who wants to wear your ring
So c’mon mister trouble
We’ll make it through you somehow
We’ll fill this house with all the love
All that heaven will allow”
-Bruce Springsteen “All That Heaven Will Allow”

I have the privilege of attending a lot of wedding functions.  Many of my paying gigs are wedding receptions, and as a result I get to meet with brides and grooms and get to know them a little.   Sometimes I get to offer recommendations regarding the reception.  So far nobody has asked me what I recommend in the way of wedding vows, but if they did,  I would absolutely recommend the traditional vows as they appear in the Book of Common Prayer:

The priest is dead, the church burned down, the groom lost his hair, but they’re still in love and still married.

The Declaration of Consent

The Celebrant says to the woman

N., will you have this man to be your husband; to live
together in the covenant of marriage?  Will you love him,
comfort him, honor and keep him, in sickness and in health;
and, forsaking all others, be faithful to him as long as you
both shall live?

The Woman answers
I will.

The Celebrant says to the man

N., will you have this woman to be your wife; to live
together in the covenant of marriage?  Will you love her,
comfort her, honor and keep her, in sickness and in health;
and, forsaking all others, be faithful to her as long as you
both shall live?

The Man answers
I will.

 

The Marriage

The Man, facing the woman and taking her right hand in his, says

In the Name of God, I, N., take you, N., to be my wife, to
have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse,
for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to
cherish, until we are parted by death.  This is my solemn vow.

Then they loose their hands, and the Woman, still facing the man, takes
his right hand in hers, and says

In the Name of God, I, N., take you, N., to be my husband,
to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for
worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love
and to cherish, until we are parted by death.  This is my
solemn vow.

The loose their hands.

The Priest may ask God’s blessing on a ring or rings as follows

Bless, O Lord, this ring to be a sign of the vows by which
this man and this woman have bound themselves to each
other; through Jesus Christ our Lord.  Amen.

The giver places the ring on the ring-finger of the other’s hand and says

N., I give you this ring as a symbol of my vow, and with all
that I am, and all that I have, I honor you, in the Name of
the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit (or in the
Name of God).”

First things

Note first that these are vows — solemn promises made first to God, then to each other.  A covenant between the two of you and Almighty God is binding, so the words you speak are important.  I recommend that you and your fiancée study them carefully and mean them when you say them to each other.

Why old-school vows are the best

Did you think I forgot the purpose of this post?  Old-school wedding vows address eight important facets of what marriage is. Here’s my list — feel free to add your insights below:

• Consent

  • — This is a big topic these days.  Traditional vows ask the woman first if she indeed agrees to take her fiancé as her husband.  Then he gets to answer the same question regarding his intention to take her as his wife.

• Duties

  • – Each is to love, comfort, honor and keep the other.  He’s not getting a maid; she’s not getting a butler.

• Faithfulness

  • — Under Heaven, she is to be his highest priority, and he is to be hers.  God is joining you for His purposes and he means for you to remain devoted to each other.  No hall passes or elevator lists.  Nobody on the side.

• Personal

  • – Note the marriage begins with “I, George, take you, Martha, to be my wife.”  The speaking of each other’s names and the choosing of each other verbally is powerful.

• Intimate

  • – “To have and to hold” refers to the importance of the marriage bed over the course of your  life together.  Notice this phrase appears twice in a very short span of time.  It’s that important.

• Exclusive

  • – This is what “forsaking all others” means.  Husbands and wives are to look to each other for the deepest intimacy.  Nobody — not mom and dad, not the kids, not the pastor, not the boss, not former girlfriends, not current friends — is to come before the obligations to love and care for each other

• Forever

  • — “Until we are parted by death” or “As long as we both shall live,” as it is also sometimes said.  Please note: Some couples revise this to “As long as we both shall love.” Barf!  This is essentially saying “I promise until I no longer promise.”  If you can’t commit for life, perhaps you shouldn’t get married.

• No matter what

  • — Notice that the vows spell out the range of conditions a couple can experience — sickness and health; plenty and want; prosperity and adversity — and note that the expectation remains the same regardless of bank balance or blood pressure.

The big idea

If you believe that marriage is given as a sign of the relationship between Christ and the Church, the you can see that the love and devotion due one’s spouse is unconditional.

Someone once asked me, “If you could have all that Heaven is — but without God, would you take it?”  I answered that a Heaven without God would be Hell itself.  It’s a great question for clarifying our motives.

Traditional wedding vows are designed to get at a similar idea.  If health, money, looks, and all the fun dried up, would she be enough?  Would she think you’re enough?   Anything other than a firm yes here spells trouble.

When we perform for newlyweds, I nearly always tell them that marriage is hard work, but it’s worth it.  I stand by that.  If you and your beloved make solid vows and take them seriously, this will help you do the hard but worthwhile work of marriage.

So how about you? What sort of vows do you plan to use for your wedding and why?  Add your comments below.

“Whoever digs a pit will fall into it,and a stone will come back on him who starts it rolling.” — Proverbs 26:27 (ESV)

By now you may have already heard about the news story broken by Rolling Stone magazine — a horrific tale of a brutal sexual assault on a female first-year student that allegedly took place in a fraternity house on the University of Virginia’s grounds.  From there it got worse, as the story alleged that the victim’s friends discouraged her from notifying the police, and that the university’s response when the victim came forward was, shall we say, inadequate.  However, in the unforgiving glare caused by the unfavorable publicity, UVA’s president suspended all fraternity activities until further notice.  There’s just one thing: the story printed in Rolling Stone wasn’t accurate.

Somebody should blow the whistle

Why talk about what didn’t happen?*

Two reasons: 1)  Young men need to understand the times in which they live — recognizing that some accusations are, in the minds of some journalists, too good to research.  And 2) Young men need to make sure their conduct is above reproach in every circumstance — and never more so than in their dealings with women.

Far from calling for an unthinking return to chivalry, this is a call for self awareness, self respect and self control.  If you are committed to maintaining a life of integrity, you will want to avoid even the appearance of wrongdoing.  This will not only preserve your reputation — and hers — but it will also help to shield you from the sorts of accusations being lobbed on college campuses these days.

As shocking as it may seem, there is no longer a presumption of innocence on many college campuses.  And many institutions of higher learning have done away with due process — eliminating, for example, the right of legal representation, of cross-examination, or even that of confronting one’s accuser.  Even if you’ve done no such thing, being on the receiving end of a rape accusation can nuke your college career for keeps.

Time-honored wisdom

Recently, I published a post regarding King Solomon’s advice to young men regarding the forbidden woman.  Here’s more wisdom from this ancient king:

“As I stood at the window of my house looking out through the shutters, Watching the mindless crowd stroll by, I spotted a young man without any sense Arriving at the corner of the street where she lived, then turning up the path to her house. It was dusk, the evening coming on, the darkness thickening into night. Just then, a woman met him— she’d been lying in wait for him, dressed to seduce him. Brazen and brash she was, restless and roaming, never at home, Walking the streets, loitering in the mall, hanging out at every corner in town.

“She threw her arms around him and kissed him, boldly took his arm and said, “I’ve got all the makings for a feast— today I made my offerings, my vows are all paid, So now I’ve come to find you, hoping to catch sight of your face—and here you are! I’ve spread fresh, clean sheets on my bed, colorful imported linens. My bed is aromatic with spices and exotic fragrances. Come, let’s make love all night, spend the night in ecstatic lovemaking! My husband’s not home; he’s away on business, and he won’t be back for a month.

“Soon she has him eating out of her hand, bewitched by her honeyed speech. Before you know it, he’s trotting behind her, like a calf led to the butcher shop, Like a stag lured into ambush and then shot with an arrow, Like a bird flying into a net not knowing that its flying life is over.

“So, friends, listen to me, take these words of mine most seriously. Don’t fool around with a woman like that; don’t even stroll through her neighborhood. Countless victims come under her spell; she’s the death of many a poor man. She runs a halfway house to hell, fits you out with a shroud and a coffin.”  Proverbs 7:6-27 (The Message)

We should take a moment to state categorically that some — but not all —  men do assault women. But we also must acknowledge that some — but not all — women lie and lob false accusations. In biblical language this is called bearing false witness (testifying falsely) against one’s neighbor. Taken with the cultural Marxist project to destroy men, a man under such suspicion cannot count on a fair hearing in the media. Hence this discussion about journalistic malpractice by Rolling Stone.

We’ve talked before about leading in the context of relationships — how you should set the tone and be the gatekeeper.  In this way, it’s on you to ensure you and your female companion are not in situations that will even appear illicit.  In the passage above, Solomon is saying the young man should not have allowed himself to be seduced.  This is my advice to you, too.

Understand that apart from marriage, the boundaries are blurry.  What you think is mutual consent could turn out to be an accusation that ruins your life.  No momentary pleasure is worth that.

Epilogue:  

To their credit the magazine, embarrassed,  pulled the story — all 10,000 words of it — apologizing for not researching the claims of the alleged victim more thoroughly.  Despite the retraction of this story, UVA did not reinstate fraternity activities with anything near the speed with which they suspended them.

So how about you?  How are you taking care to mind your reputation in the dating arena?  Add your comments below.

*Just because Rolling Stone’s account can’t withstand scrutiny, that doesn’t prove the young woman wasn’t assaulted.

“The increasing complexity and precariousness of our economic life have forced Government to take over many spheres of activity once left to choice or chance. Our intellectuals have surrendered first to the slave-philosophy of Hegel, then to Marx, finally to the linguistic analysts.”
– C. S. Lewis from “Willing Slaves of the Welfare State”

Last fall, David Horowitz’s FrontPage Mag published an article by Mallory Millett titled “Marxist Feminism’s Ruined Lives.”   The article described what Millett saw as a young divorcée in the 1960’s at the birth of the modern (second-wave) feminist movement, and the toll it took on her and others.   Millett’s older sister Kate Millett was one of the key figures in the movement — Kate Millett and her book Sexual Politics deserve full credit for helping spawn women’s studies programs in nearly every American university.

It’s a trap!

The unholy litany

In her article, Mallory Millett describes a meeting she attended with her sister — a Marxist consciousness-raising event that included a call-and-response chant between the leader and those in attendance.  According to (Mallory) Millett, it went like this:

“‘Why are we here today?” she asked.
“To make revolution,” they answered.
“What kind of revolution?” she replied.
“The Cultural Revolution,” they chanted.
“And how do we make Cultural Revolution?” she demanded.
“By destroying the American family!” they answered.
“How do we destroy the family?” she came back.
“By destroying the American Patriarch,” they cried exuberantly.
“And how do we destroy the American Patriarch?” she replied.
“By taking away his power!”
“How do we do that?”
“By destroying monogamy!” they shouted.
“How can we destroy monogamy?”

Their answer left me dumbstruck, breathless, disbelieving my ears.  Was I on planet earth?  Who were these people?

“By promoting promiscuity, eroticism, prostitution and homosexuality!” they resounded.

Surprise! You’re a target

Did you understand that if you are or intend to be a husband and a father — a patriarch — that you are also a target?  According to the Marxist feminists, it would only be possible to supplant the culture of the United States by destroying the family as its central institution, and it would only be possible to destroy the family by destroying its spiritual head.  That would be you and me.

Why are we talking about this?

I recognize that this is a bit off the normal track for this blog, but we have discussed the ongoing crisis in masculinity, and the need for us to become men who live out of our masculine strength.  Now perhaps you see what is at stake.  We always want to offer practical encouragement here, and this post is no different.  If I sent you on an errand, and I knew there was danger along the route, I would tell you — consider this a friendly warning.

In the same way you wouldn’t enter a lacrosse game without your helmet, pads, gloves and stick (and, of course,  your cup), you must go into today’s classrooms, workplaces  and entertainments aware of the plan to destroy men.  So consider the aim is to take you out, to neutralize your masculine strength, to render you powerless, impotent, emasculated and ineffective.  Worst of all, the plan is not to overpower you, but to entice you into surrendering.

What time is it?

Men, it’s late.  If you are in doubt about the effectiveness of this strategy, consider your own opinions and attitudes concerning promiscuity, eroticism, prostitution and homosexuality — and how they may have changed in the past ten years.  Now consider the opinions and attitudes of your friends, classmates and colleagues.  Next consider the messages concerning these four forces that you’ve encountered in classrooms, news articles and reports, in movies and television programs and in social media.

As you see, America has undergone a cataclysmic change in its mores since the consciousness-raising event attended by Mallory Millett.

Is it hopeless? 

• Don’t take the bait — These weapons only work on you if you let them.  Sexual sin is tempting, but recognize what’s behind it and take the long view.
• Clean up your diet — Don’t feed your mind with stories and images that undermine your masculine strength, or that promote your destruction.
• Audit the institutions you’re part of — Use your freedom of association to find, found or fund organizations that promote and value authentic masculinity.  (This is why I’m on this corner of the internet, by the way.)   If you need to change churches, employers, schools, vote with your feet.  When you realize you’ve stepped onto the conveyor belt at the slaughterhouse, you have every right to step off of it.
• Enlist allies — find brothers who are committed to the same values.  Not all women are on board with the destruction of the family.  Find them.  As I pointed out previously, the popularity of Fifty Shades of Grey — although promoting promiscuity and eroticism — repudiates Marxist feminism’s anti-masculine aims, since the audience seems keenly interested in a dominant man.
• Build your body and your mind — You are on your way to becoming the best possible version of yourself, aren’t you?  You need strength to withstand the allure of temptation in every form.
• Challenge the assumptions — As you encounter these anti-male ideas, be prepared to question their origins and their legitimacy.  Don’t be afraid to point out the consequences of four-plus decades of Marxist feminism and ask if we’re better off in any way.
• Reform your manners — English abolitionist, William Wilberforce, worked until the day he died for the abolition of slavery and for “the reformation of manners.”  As men, we should take up this cause and make it our own.   If you’re married, start by leading your family, even if it’s difficult.  Let’s reform our own character after that of Jesus, and work to liberate men and women in the clutches of these destructive forces.  Just by living fearlessly and unabashedly as a man, you’ll cause others to find their courage.  We can do this with God’s help.

So how about you?  In what ways have you gone along with the plan for your own destruction?  How do you intend to regain your strength?  Add your comments below.

“Marriage is the graduate school of service.” – Pastor David Chadwick

I’ve made no secret of my belief in marriage. Mrs. Booth and I have been married for nearly 32 years, with the struggles and joys that come with being married that long. It has been and is a great thing and I love being married to my wife.

And I admit that the climate for marriage in the west is hostile in many ways. From taxes that penalize marriage economically, to family courts that incentivize women to file for divorce from their husbands, to cultural Marxist feminism that seeks to destroy “the patriarchy” by destroying men, there is plenty of evidence to support a man’s decision not to marry. But let’s revisit one of my favorite axioms:

Abuse doesn’t invalidate use.

Marriage is to be kept pure…

The occasions when men commit murder with hammers doesn’t justify banning hammers or outlawing carpentry. The widespread misuse of the institution of marriage — from cohabitation and out-of-wedlock births, through frivolous no-fault divorce — doesn’t mean that marriage has forfeited its divine purpose.

Back to the beginning

If we look to the creation narrative in the second chapter of the Old Testament book of Genesis, we see that God had created the universe, placing man, whom he had made in his own image, at the top of the created order. God pronounced it good. But when he saw that he had made suitable mates for all the other creatures except man, God said, “it is not good that man should be alone.”

After evaluating every other type of creature and not finding a mate, a companion, a wife for the man, Adam, God did something remarkable. He put Adam to sleep and took flesh and bone from his side, making from them a woman, whom Adam called Eve. Note that up to this point, Adam was the bearer of the full imago dei — the image of God. In this, Adam reflected masculinity and femininity as God does. But when God created Eve to be Adam’s helper, his (in Hebrew) ezer kenegdo — literally his “life saver” — God split into two parts the imago dei, investing maleness and masculine strength in the man and investing femaleness and feminine beauty and tenderness in the woman. This is important, because Genesis 2:24-25 says this:

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

This one-flesh union, this intimate knowing, free of guilt and shame is the heart of marriage.

Breaking it down

Note the lack of self-consciousness and self-regard in this first marriage. Their nakedness and vulnerability was not something to exploit for advantage, rather it was open and generous. It cannot have been otherwise, as the one-flesh union would not have existed if Adam had not given himself to Eve, and Eve had not given herself to her husband.

Now it’s broken down

Have you noticed in our culture’s stories how marital sex is nearly always portrayed as a chore to be avoided, while affairs and other forms of sexual behavior appear exciting?  If I say the word monogamy, do you regard the concept as a positive or a negative one? Why? If you’re married, did your friends try to talk you out of it, citing the endless novelty of hookups compared to loving one woman for life? Part of this inversion is the distortion of our world through sin. So a loyal wife seems boring to her husband, compared to the women at his office, and an aloof cad is seemingly irresistible compared to a wife’s dependable husband.  This is why King Solomon wrote in Proverbs 9:16, “Stolen water is sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant.” But note this: Just because a forbidden thing is appealing doesn’t mean you shouldn’t avoid it. (See also poison mushrooms.)

Reacquiring the trail

If you dread the idea of marriage, in the present or the future, I want to encourage you to re-establish a biblical view of marriage. First, note that biblical marriage is a covenant rather than a contract. This is not a legal instrument between two consenting parties that can be broken at will. Among God’s people, a covenant is a binding, irrevocable joining between God and his people. There are obligations, but failure to perform doesn’t justify an exit.

It is true that you have the duty of spiritual headship, and the responsibility to shepherd, protect, and provide for your wife and children, and those obligations demand lifelong faithfulness. It is also true that you can expect to enjoy the marriage bed — sex — with your wife and the two of you have a responsibility to maintain this aspect of your marriage — especially when kiddos enter the picture. Check out Proverbs 5:15-19 for just one biblical encouragement in this area.

The ratio

Before Mrs. Booth and I married, an older friend took me aside and said, “I know you think marriage is a 50/50 proposition. It isn’t. It’s 100/100. It takes both of you giving it 100% for it to work.” I have learned that friend was 100% correct. And this brings us to service.

A generous spirit requires bravery

An unpleasant aspect of our times is the wariness that leads to near-constant score-keeping. We are willing to give, as long as we get, but heaven help the one who takes and never gives. Does that sound familiar? In marriage, we have to overcome the fear and serve each other generously. Even if you’re afraid you won’t get anything out of it, serve.

In Paul’s letter to the church at Ephesus, the apostle instructed wives to submit to their husbands, but he instructed husbands to love their wives the way Christ loved the church. In case you’re unfamiliar with the story, he died for her. Obviously, marriage is one of those things where you must be present to win, so what does this sacrificial service look like in the realm of mortals?

Here’s an example

In the fewest words, it means put others first. If you do this, God notices. And He is able to reward you. But I promised you an example.

If you haven’t seen the video for Andra Day’s song Rise Up, it’s a great portrayal of loving service in the context of marriage. Please watch this now. I’ll wait

This video, directed by M. Night Shyamalan, conveys so much truth, and Andra Day’s vocal performance drives it home. Note the wife pouring out her life for the husband who can no longer hold her. Though her reward would seem slight compared to what she — and he — expected when they first married, this is a shining example of loving and giving 100%.

And notice, also, how the husband doesn’t quit, either. He gives the strength he has, and she appreciates it. Good art with a true message!

Not just true in stories

You may argue that Shyamalan could tell the story any way he wants, and that the video is a made-up story. Fair enough, but I have a pastor friend whose wife has Multiple Sclerosis and he serves his wife in the same manner. He cares for her and loves her like Christ loves the church — the way he promised to when they wed. And he’s not the only man I know who has cared for his wife this way. I have written before about old-school wedding vows, and this is where they prove their worth.

I know there is great risk in getting married these days. The statistics, as we’ve noted, are grim. But it is also possible to find godly, virtuous women who want to be married to godly and masculine spiritual leaders. So for God’s sake (literally), lead, love, and serve. Your children need the stability that only a covenant marriage can provide them.

God would not have commanded this of husbands if men weren’t capable of doing it. If you aren’t that sort of man yet, stick around and learn how to be one. Or message me and let’s start a discussion.

It is not good for the man to be alone, but it also important to marry the kind of woman who will stick by you — and by whom you’ll stick — when the storms come. It can be done!

So how about you? How are you leading and serving in your marriage, or preparing to lead and serve in your marriage? Add your comments below.

Men:  We have to talk about sex. If there’s one area where this generation is stuck, this is it.

The Water Was Dirty Before You Got In

Now, before you conclude that I’m pointing my finger at you, please realize that the Boomer cohort gave us the sexual revolution and rampant divorce, and the Gen X cohort was equally careless about sex and marriage.  But it’s even worse than that.  These are the guys who grew up to convince you that everyone but you was sexually active, to urge the women you know to emulate the worst of promiscuous men, and to offer you pornography pretty much anywhere and anytime — and all so they could separate you from your money.  If you want poor examples, the generations ahead of you are shot through with them.

Applying wisdom — that’s a horse of a different color!

So if you’re a typical American male, you were probably exposed to pornography somewhere around age ten.  But even if you didn’t see any sexually explicit magazines, videos or websites in your youth, you’ve been awash in a culture that has turned sex into a commodity devoid of any spiritual significance.  As a man who has spent much of his career in and around sales, I say it’s lazy to use sex to sell.  As bad as that is, it’s worse to be so checked out that you allow it to influence you.  There is a better way.

Meet King Solomon

In the Old Testament (that’s the first 39 books of the Bible), we meet a king named Solomon.  He was the son of King David and Bathsheba (there’s a story about the misuse of sex, right there).  When Solomon succeeded his father as the king of Israel, God told Solomon to ask him for anything.  In reply, Solomon asked for wisdom to govern God’s people.  This pleased God and he promised Solomon that no one would be wiser or more honored than he.

In addition to building the Temple in Jerusalem, Solomon reportedly had 1,000 wives and concubines.  (Here I should point out that just because the Bible describes something, it does not prescribe it.)  Solomon is also credited with several books of the Bible — Ecclesiastes, The Song of Solomon, and Proverbs.  And that brings us to the purpose of this post.

In Proverbs 5 Solomon writes this:

My son, be attentive to my wisdom;

incline your ear to my understanding,

that you may keep discretion,

and your lips may guard knowledge.

For the lips of a forbidden woman drip honey,

and her speech is smoother than oil,

but in the end she is bitter as wormwood,

sharp as a two-edged sword.

Her feet go down to death;

her steps follow the path to Sheol;

she does not ponder the path of life;

her ways wander, and she does not know it.

And now, O sons, listen to me,

and do not depart from the words of my mouth.

Keep your way far from her,

and do not go near the door of her house,

lest you give your honor to others

and your years to the merciless,

lest strangers take their fill of your strength,

and your labors go to the house of a foreigner,

and at the end of your life you groan,

when your flesh and body are consumed,

and you say, “How I hated discipline,

and my heart despised reproof!

I did not listen to the voice of my teachers

or incline my ear to my instructors.”

Be the Gatekeeper

What Difference Does It Make?

The Rest of The Story

It Isn’t Easy

So how about you?  How are you applying God’s wisdom to help you lead a chaste life?  Add your comments below.

“Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things; and give me life in your ways.” – Psalm 119:37

We have spent the last several weeks considering the importance of the psychological and emotional needs Identity, Stimulation, and Security. In this post, I’d like to discuss the consequences of the misplaced or unmoderated need for stimulation.

Knowing how to distinguish real from counterfeit is valuable

Is stimulation bad?

Let’s address this up front: stimulation is vital. Babies need visual and auditory stimuli to develop normally. And sociologist Robert Ardrey who enumerated these needs maintained that we need stimulation throughout our lives to be emotionally healthy. We need to encounter new ideas, new people, new locations, new songs, new works of art to feel and be truly alive. If you’re creative at all, you know that it’s nearly impossible to create out of a sense of boredom.

But let’s also agree that stimulation, like many other beneficial things, is subject to misuse. We can seek sensation and experiences as a substitute for a healthy sense of identity and or security. We can use cheap imitations of genuine accomplishments to avoid potential pain or loss. We all have our favorite mindless entertainments, and we use them to get a quick hit when we’re procrastinating. I can find no shortage of articles to read when I should be writing, for example. But why do we do this?

Paging Dr. Zimbardo

In his TED Talk titled The Demise of Guys, Dr. Philip Zimbardo explains that westerners, men in particular, have essentially re-wired their brains through consumption of visual media. He says that excessive screen time — particularly web surfing, porn and video games — has created what he calls arousal addiction. This type of addiction creates a powerful craving for novelty — that is, for more and different stimulation. He contrasts this with drug addictions, where the desire is for increased quantities of the same substance.

Your brain on stimulation

So what happens when our brains are stimulated in this way? The arousal response results in production of the neurotransmitter dopamine. It’s powerful stuff. Dopamine lights up the brain’s pleasure/reward center and it is part of the neurochemical mechanism of motivation. When you’re producing dopamine you are receiving a naturally occurring positive reinforcement that will cause you to repeat the behavior that created the reward. If you’re generating product or creating something positive, this can be an engine of prosperity. But what if you’re reinforcing the pursuit of pleasure for its own sake?

When a man exposes his brain to excessive stimulation — via junk food, gambling, porn, or video games — dopamine production increases radically. The producers of this stuff know it. In the same way water flowing downhill creates a gouge, then a gully, excessive dopamine creates its own pleasure pathway — a landing pad that demands more traffic. As Zimbardo explains, the desire is for greater variety, not just more of the same. The recipe for loneliness then is: Indulge, rewire your brain, and isolate yourself.

Nothing new under the sun

Man’s tendency to seek too much of a good thing didn’t start with the advent of the internet, any more than his tendency toward violence began with the invention of machine guns. However, the ability to create large-scale impacts in a very short period of time is a product of technological progress. Men have always been fascinated by sex, but the anonymity of the internet has provided access to far more images far more frequently. Zimbardo claims the average man views 50 pornographic video clips per week. If so, the effects of arousal addiction are likely to be more widespread and more profound

But let’s go back to the root of all this: we need stimulation, and we are biochemically wired to reward ourselves for it. The feeling of accomplishment when you achieve a goal, complete a project, take a trophy buck, or ask that cute girl for her number — that’s all proper and a result of dopamine doing its job. This is natural and beneficial in its proper place and proportion.

I submit to you that the problem is seeking that dopamine rush without doing the difficult work that leads to legitimate rewards. Each of us has a mission, and we need to be at our respective posts. Faithfulness brings a good reward. Shirking your duty to chase shiny objects leads to all kinds of calamity. Let’s look at an example from ancient history.

Oh look — a squirrel

In chapter 11 of 2 Samuel, there’s a famous story of a king seeking stimulation in the wrong places. It goes like this:

In the spring of the year, the time when kings go out to battle, David sent Joab, and his servants with him, and all Israel. And they ravaged the Ammonites and besieged Rabbah. But David remained at Jerusalem.

It happened, late one afternoon, when David arose from his couch and was walking on the roof of the king’s house, that he saw from the roof a woman bathing; and the woman was very beautiful. And David sent and inquired about the woman. And one said, “Is not this Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam, the wife of Uriah the Hittite?” So David sent messengers and took her, and she came to him, and he lay with her. (Now she had been purifying herself from her uncleanness.) Then she returned to her house.  And the woman conceived, and she sent and told David, “I am pregnant.”

So David sent word to Joab, “Send me Uriah the Hittite.” And Joab sent Uriah to David. When Uriah came to him, David asked how Joab was doing and how the people were doing and how the war was going. Then David said to Uriah, “Go down to your house and wash your feet.” And Uriah went out of the king’s house, and there followed him a present from the king. But Uriah slept at the door of the king’s house with all the servants of his lord, and did not go down to his house. When they told David, “Uriah did not go down to his house,” David said to Uriah, “Have you not come from a journey? Why did you not go down to your house?” Uriah said to David, “The ark and Israel and Judah dwell in booths, and my lord Joab and the servants of my lord are camping in the open field. Shall I then go to my house, to eat and to drink and to lie with my wife? As you live, and as your soul lives, I will not do this thing.” Then David said to Uriah, “Remain here today also, and tomorrow I will send you back.” So Uriah remained in Jerusalem that day and the next. And David invited him, and he ate in his presence and drank, so that he made him drunk. And in the evening he went out to lie on his couch with the servants of his lord, but he did not go down to his house.

In the morning David wrote a letter to Joab and sent it by the hand of Uriah. In the letter he wrote, “Set Uriah in the forefront of the hardest fighting, and then draw back from him, that he may be struck down, and die.” And as Joab was besieging the city, he assigned Uriah to the place where he knew there were valiant men. And the men of the city came out and fought with Joab, and some of the servants of David among the people fell. Uriah the Hittite also died. Then Joab sent and told David all the news about the fighting. And he instructed the messenger, “When you have finished telling all the news about the fighting to the king, then, if the king’s anger rises, and if he says to you, ‘Why did you go so near the city to fight? Did you not know that they would shoot from the wall? Who killed Abimelech the son of Jerubbesheth? Did not a woman cast an upper millstone on him from the wall, so that he died at Thebez? Why did you go so near the wall?’ then you shall say, ‘Your servant Uriah the Hittite is dead also.’”

So the messenger went and came and told David all that Joab had sent him to tell. The messenger said to David, “The men gained an advantage over us and came out against us in the field, but we drove them back to the entrance of the gate. Then the archers shot at your servants from the wall. Some of the king’s servants are dead, and your servant Uriah the Hittite is dead also.” David said to the messenger, “Thus shall you say to Joab, ‘Do not let this matter displease you, for the sword devours now one and now another. Strengthen your attack against the city and overthrow it.’ And encourage him.”

When the wife of Uriah heard that Uriah her husband was dead, she lamented over her husband. And when the mourning was over, David sent and brought her to his house, and she became his wife and bore him a son. But the thing that David had done displeased the Lord.”

Go to school on David, or learn your own painful lessons

It almost looks like the plot of a Hollywood thriller, doesn’t it? Voyeurism, lust, adultery, conspiracy, murder, corruption, and a cover-up. None of it necessary.

Notice first that King David was at home when he should have been on the battlefield with his army. Maybe he had been too successful too soon, or maybe he had gotten bored with winning. No matter the reason he was casting about on his roof, spying on his neighbor’s wife as she bathed. Maybe she was bored, too, and wanted the excitement of an affair with the powerful king next door. Perhaps. But if he had been faithful to his mission, his men, and his God, he wouldn’t have been there in the first place.

There’s more to the story, and I urge you to read on in 2 Samuel. You can start here. But I want to encourage you — and me — to get solid on your identity and your purpose, and avoid the cheap buzz that fake stimulation creates.

Be a producer, not a consumer

If you are in the grip of one of the fake stimuli, I challenge you to quit being a consumer and to begin to produce, to create. You know your gifts, spend your time seeking the rewards of genuine accomplishment by making something that others can enjoy or from which they can benefit. Create sculptures, paint pictures, plant gardens, paint houses, tell stories, write songs, stage plays, serve others. And learn to enjoy the satisfaction of real rewards.

So how about you? How are you experiencing accomplishment and avoiding arousal addiction? Add your comments below.

“I could never take a chance
Of losing love to find romance
In the mysterious distance
Between a man and a woman.”    -U2

As the saying goes, men think about sex roughly every seven seconds.  Sometimes it can seem like more frequently than that!  Whether that is the reason or not, our entertainment, our politics and even our spiritual life is influenced in some way by sex.  Everybody knows sex is a big deal, but why is this so?  Here are four reasons:

They were made for each other!

It’s Hard-wired Biology

The biological drive is an essential part of our design.  Human beings and animals alike have powerful urges to reproduce.  In our 21st century western abundance, we are less consciously concerned with passing along our genetic material, but we are still able to be influenced, even controlled by our ids.  Consider the number of ads that appeal to our curiosity or desire using sexual or suggestive images, and it’s clear we are in the grip of something powerful

It’s High-Stakes

Sex is a big deal because it has far-reaching consequences in nearly every case.  This is as it should be with anything so valuable.  Think first about the proper (i.e., moral) uses of sex.  First, procreation is not a bug; it’s a feature.  Anything that can result in new life is undeniably powerful.  Second, the marriage bed is intended to strengthen the bonds between a husband and wife.  Marriage as designed by God and explained in scripture is intended to be a covenant that lasts as long as he and she live.  Given all the ways two people can disagree, this unifying aspect of sex is necessarily strong.

Another facet of this unifying effect is the physiochemical bonding that occurs through sexual contact.  In intercourse, the man’s seed contains substances that cause the woman to bond with him.  Under ideal circumstances, her husband will be the only one to be sexually intimate with her, and she will bond only with him.  Also, their sexual union combines their microbiomes — the microorganisms that live in and on you, but aren’t you.

The misuse of sex doesn’t mean that it no longer has a legitimate purpose, but this misuse also carries significant consequences.  Out of wedlock births now account for 41% of live births in the US, and roughly half of US children are growing up in single-parent homes.  The resulting fatherlessness affects young men in ways we are only beginning to recognize.  All because of the misappropriation of sex.  Let’s also note that epidemics of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) mean that you have better odds playing Russian roulette.  The dangers of misusing sex also include stalkers and jealous lovers.

As I mentioned above, in addition to fertilizing an ovum, a man’s semen promotes pair bonding.  If however a woman has had multiple sex partners, this effect can be diminished, as she effectively becomes inoculated.  A study I have read suggests that a woman’s likelihood of divorcing her husband increases dramatically according to the number of her prior sex partners (her “N”). An N greater than two results in a 54% probability of divorce — and it increases from there.  Choose wisely, men.

It’s Transcendent

Sex as a part of marriage is an earthly — and earthy —  picture of divine love.  Theologically astute readers will recognize that the book of Revelation in the Bible refers to the wedding supper of the lamb at the end of days.  This describes the union of Christ and His bride, the church.  The physical union of a man and his wife is also a spiritual joining — of the two becoming one.  Their climax takes each beyond himself or herself, fulfilling not only the desire for release, but also the deep desire for transcendence itself.  No wonder it occupies so much of our thought life.

It’s Private and It’s Everybody’s Business

We hold sex in such high regard because it is the most intimate and exclusive of relationships..  In its particulars, it is absolutely meant to be shared only by the husband and the wife.  At the same time, their community has a vital interest in their proper use of sex.  This is because the formation of stable families is the best method for ensuring a stable and harmonious culture.  Applied faithfully and intentionally, the biblical model for the family is demonstrably better for the rearing of healthy, well-adjusted and moral children.

As I’ve said in a previous post, sex is like a river.  Within its banks, it can give life to an entire community.  If it exceeds its banks, the devastation that results can destroy individuals, families and communities, if not nations.

So how about you?  Recognizing that sex is a big deal, how do you intend to keep it in its proper place?  Share your thoughts below.

“I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.” – Psalm 119:11 (NIV)

In Part I, I recounted the biblical story of Balaam from the Old Testament book of Numbers. Most of what I have to say in this post will resonate more if you read that post (I’ll wait). But for those of you who don’t have time right now, the story is as follows:

The children of Israel were wandering in the wilderness following their deliverance from slavery in Egypt. Balak, the king of Moab, did not like his new neighbors and sent for the prophet Balaam to put a curse on the Hebrews. Balak had heard that Balaam’s blessings and curses were pretty strong stuff. Balaam refused to go at first, but Balak upped the offer. On the way, God sent an angel (invisible to Balaam, but visible to his donkey) to block his way. When Balaam’s frustration boiled over, resulting in his hitting the donkey, the donkey put the prophet to shame by speaking to him about his bad behavior. Oh, and Balaam had King Balak build altars and sacrifice to the Lord, only to pronounce blessings on the children of Israel instead of curses.

Jackass!

Panning for gold in the dust of history

Maybe your pastor preached about Balaam somewhere along the line. I don’t ever remember hearing a sermon about the guy. Even so, his story is in the Bible for a reason. I argue it’s because there are many lessons to take from this less-well-known Bible story. Here’s what I learned:

• It’s more important to know God than to know about God – Balaam was familiar with Israel’s God, but he was not a Hebrew. Other sources say he was a sorcerer — a practitioner of magic. Even though he inquired of God, and God communicated His will to Balaam, it’s clear that Balaam less a friend than an acquaintance.
• It’s about what you love – If Balaam had truly known and loved the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, no amount of money would have enticed him to entertain Balak’s offer. Notice that when Balak’s second delegation — the more impressive one — came to Balaam, they conveyed that Balak was able and willing to PAY. Clearly, money was higher on Balaam’s list of priorities, or he wouldn’t have gone away to pray a second time to ask if God would, just this once, curse Israel.
• God cares – even for a stinker like Balaam — Note that God spared Balaam’s life on his foolish trip to Moab. He certainly had the prerogative to strike him down and chose not to. Instead, He opened the mouth of the donkey, and the eyes of the man to see the angelic messenger of judgment.
• God moves – but not because of magic — One might be tempted to imagine Balaam as a success due to his effective use of ritual. I say that God’s words to and through Balaam were in spite of Balaam, not because of him. Remember that God made a covenant with Abraham to make him a great nation through whom all nations would receive a blessing. God’s actions in blessing his chosen people in defiance of wicked Balak was a result of God’s faithfulness and never-ending love.
• God’s will is unstoppable — I find it humorous that the obstinate Balaam got his correction from an animal known for its stubbornness. As Jesus said that if people wouldn’t worship him, rocks and stones would cry out His praise, so unreliable prophets end up being upstaged truth-wise by talking livestock. Note also, that God held Balaam to speak only what He instructed, and God resolutely and resoundingly  blessed His people.
• A miss is as good as a mile — Elsewhere in scripture we find characters such as Ruth and Rahab — foreigners whose faith made them righteous, and who even found their way into the earthly lineage of the Messiah, Jesus. Balaam had a similar opportunity to be a hero of the faith — at least in terms of the conversational familiarity he enjoyed with the Lord — but, as we’ll see, he squandered it.

So how did it turn out for Balaam?

In Numbers 25, we read that instead of a divine curse or a military conquest, the Moabites sought to overthrow Israel by seducing them. The Moabite women made themselves sexually available to the Hebrew men, through this encouraging them to worship their god, Baal of Peor, provoking the judgment of God. If you think the Bible is this sanitized book that faints at sex and violence, I encourage you to get over it by clicking though and reading Numbers 25.

In chapter 31, we learn that Balaam died by the sword of the Hebrews in Moses’ final campaign acting as God’s instrument of judgment. Verse 8b says, “They also killed Balaam … with the sword.” But why?

As Moses’ fighters killed the men of Midian, they took the Midianite women captive. Moses objected strenuously, saying:

“Have you allowed all the women to live?” he asked them. ¹⁶ “They were the ones who followed Balaam’s advice and enticed the Israelites to be unfaithful to the Lord in the Peor incident, so that a plague struck the Lord’s people.” Numbers 31:15-16 (NIV)”

There you have it. Balaam wanted Balak’s money. When God wouldn’t cooperate by cursing His chosen ones, Balaam taught Balak how to undermine his enemies via the honey trap. It didn’t fool God, though, and Balaam paid with his life.

Echoes and warnings

Interestingly, Balaam’s name appears in scripture several more times — in Deuteronomy, Joshua, Nehemiah, and Micah in the Old Testament —  condemning him for his involvement in “the Peor incident” and reminding the reader of his grisly end. His name became a warning to the children of Israel.

But that’s not all. Three books of the New Testament also call Balaam’s folly to our attention, making it all the more unusual that his story seems to be taught so infrequently. Here are the New Testament references in their entirety:

They have left the straight way and wandered off to follow the way of Balaam son of Bezer, who loved the wages of wickedness. 2 Peter 2:15 (NIV)

“Woe to them! They have taken the way of Cain; they have rushed for profit into Balaam’s error; they have been destroyed in Korah’s rebellion. Jude 1:11 (NIV)

“Nevertheless, I have a few things against you: There are some among you who hold to the teaching of Balaam, who taught Balak to entice the Israelites to sin so that they ate food sacrificed to idols and committed sexual immorality.” Revelation 2:14 (NIV)

Parting thoughts

Now that you know the rest of the story, I want to offer a few other lessons from the tale of Balaam:

• Always interpret scripture with scripture — If we only considered the text in Numbers 22 – 24 when considering Balaam, we might conclude that he was a righteous man. Subsequent passages show that wasn’t so. Throughout your life, be careful not to build doctrinal castles on single Bible verses or interpretations that aren’t supported elsewhere in scripture.
• Take the long view — When faced with a moral dilemma, think beyond the current circumstances. Balaam’s greed resulted in a payday for him, but a violent death soon after. Be sure that your solution to a problem doesn’t create more problems.
• Evaluate according to the plumb-line of scripture — Compare your plans, your desires, and your feelings against the teachings of scripture. Plans, desires, and feelings are useful, but they can also mislead you. Better to check against a transcendent moral arbiter.
• Own your convictions — Notice that Balaam always protested to Balak that he could only say what God told him to say. This suggests that Balaam had no fixed principles, that he would have been only too happy to go along with the whole curse plan, but God wouldn’t let him. It’s easy to get a wedge between an external conviction and the person who is mouthing it. And Balaam shows the cost.
• Trust God first and always — How bitterly ironic that Balaam should utter the words in Numbers 23:19, “God is not man, that he should lie, or a son of man, that he should change his mind. Has he said, and will he not do it? Or has he spoken, and will he not fulfill it? (ESV). If only he had truly believed this. He wouldn’t have asked God but one time regarding whether to entertain an emissary from Moab.

So how about you? What insights do you draw from the story of Balaam? How are you seeking to mature spiritually — and how does this story help you? Add your comments below.

“Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, ‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.’” – Hebrews 13:4-5 (NIV)

Hugh Hefner, the founder and publisher of Playboy Magazine died last week at the age of 91. If you wonder how our culture became tolerant of pornography of increasing explicitness and ubiquity, you can thank Mr. Hefner for his significant contributions.

Sign of the times — thanks, Hef.

Following Hefner’s death, it seemed nearly every news organization published a gushing tribute to the man and his legacy. If you want to read them, there’s this thing called the Internet and I’m sure you can find them. But in scanning the headlines that reported Hugh Hefner’s death, one headline caught my eye. It said, “Hugh Hefner’s first wife CHEATED on him — a betrayal which gave birth to his Playboy lifestyle.”

The article reports that Hefner and his fiancée had been saving themselves for marriage, but that while he was serving in the army during World War II, she confessed to him she’d had sex with another man. They married in spite of this, but their marriage ended in divorce four years later. About the infidelity, he said,”That was the most devastating moment in my life.”

Why are we talking about this?

If you’re a regular reader here (thank you!) you know I always have a reason. Hefner said his then-fiancée’s being with another man cast a shadow over his marriage. “After that, I always felt in a sense that the other guy was in bed with us, too.” And although his wife, guilt-ridden, encouraged/allowed him to sleep with other women, ultimately, Hugh Hefner became an enemy of sexual morality.

He started Playboy magazine in 1953 and sought to make eroticism socially acceptable by publishing photos of nude women alongside interviews, music reviews, essays, and short stories.  In addition to the magazine, Hefner promoted what he called the Playboy philosophy, which as you’d imagine took a dim view of monogamy.

So here we have a man whose woman was unfaithful, whose marriage didn’t last, and whose life’s work discouraged others from being faithful in marriage.

The wound and its interpretation

Brent Curtis and John Eldredge’s book The Sacred Romance, and Eldredge’s later book Wild at Heart discuss in some detail what they refer to as “the message of the arrows.”  Each of us, they say, receives a wound, and that wound pierces us in a vulnerable part of our heart and soul. We try to make sense of it, and we get a lot of “help” from the world, the flesh, and the devil. Most of us regard the wound as something shameful, and we internalize it and never take it to our Heavenly Father to let Him heal it. Instead we make a vow to never let ourselves get hurt that way again. And this gives way to the false self.

A man’s question

More from Wild at Heart: Eldredge explains that every boy longs to receive the masculine blessing — to know that he is a man and that he has what it takes. That blessing should come from a boy’s own father, or perhaps his grandfather, uncle, or godfather. It is the conferring of manhood, so it should come from men. But bad things happen when a man seeks to validate his masculinity in the arms of a woman, or women. To quote Eldredge verbatim:

“When a man takes his question to the woman what happens is either addiction or emasculation. Usually both.”

Back to Hefner

Do you see this pattern playing out in the life of Hugh Hefner? Clearly, he wanted his wife to validate him as a man. Her sleeping with another man created a wound in that most vulnerable part of him. The false self that became his identity was that of the Lothario, the playboy, the stud — able to get any woman he wanted. This turned out to be partially true. He could get all the women he could bribe with plastic surgery. And he could keep all the ones who were willing to put out in exchange for an “allowance.” But ultimately, this wounded man sought to medicate himself with women’s bodies and Viagra. Pretty sad.

But the worst thing was that this man’s false self contaminated our culture and created massive stumbling blocks for generations of men. Each one of us is responsible for his own choices and actions, but notice how personal choices affect others. How many of our grandfathers, fathers, brothers — and how many of us — have given in to the temptation offered by Hugh Hefner and his imitators? How many of us grew up with absent dads imbued with the Playboy philosophy?  How many of us are in the chains of sexual addiction through promiscuity, pornography, or both?

May God grant us the grace to overcome the sorry legacy of Hugh Hefner and walk free in the glorious light of Christ Jesus. May we seek and find our identity in Him. And may we pass on a better legacy to our sons and daughters. If we truly believe God is for us and will never leave us, we can find contentment whether married or single.

So how about you? How have you gotten your question answered? Do you need a reboot? Share your story or add your comments below.

“Marriage is the graduate school of service.” – Pastor David Chadwick

I’ve made no secret of my belief in marriage. Mrs. Booth and I have been married for nearly 32 years, with the struggles and joys that come with being married that long. It has been and is a great thing and I love being married to my wife.

And I admit that the climate for marriage in the west is hostile in many ways. From taxes that penalize marriage economically, to family courts that incentivize women to file for divorce from their husbands, to cultural Marxist feminism that seeks to destroy “the patriarchy” by destroying men, there is plenty of evidence to support a man’s decision not to marry. But let’s revisit one of my favorite axioms:

Abuse doesn’t invalidate use.

Marriage is to be kept pure…

The occasions when men commit murder with hammers doesn’t justify banning hammers or outlawing carpentry. The widespread misuse of the institution of marriage — from cohabitation and out-of-wedlock births, through frivolous no-fault divorce — doesn’t mean that marriage has forfeited its divine purpose.

Back to the beginning

If we look to the creation narrative in the second chapter of the Old Testament book of Genesis, we see that God had created the universe, placing man, whom he had made in his own image, at the top of the created order. God pronounced it good. But when he saw that he had made suitable mates for all the other creatures except man, God said, “it is not good that man should be alone.”

After evaluating every other type of creature and not finding a mate, a companion, a wife for the man, Adam, God did something remarkable. He put Adam to sleep and took flesh and bone from his side, making from them a woman, whom Adam called Eve. Note that up to this point, Adam was the bearer of the full imago dei — the image of God. In this, Adam reflected masculinity and femininity as God does. But when God created Eve to be Adam’s helper, his (in Hebrew) ezer kenegdo — literally his “life saver” — God split into two parts the imago dei, investing maleness and masculine strength in the man and investing femaleness and feminine beauty and tenderness in the woman. This is important, because Genesis 2:24-25 says this:

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

This one-flesh union, this intimate knowing, free of guilt and shame is the heart of marriage.

Breaking it down

Note the lack of self-consciousness and self-regard in this first marriage. Their nakedness and vulnerability was not something to exploit for advantage, rather it was open and generous. It cannot have been otherwise, as the one-flesh union would not have existed if Adam had not given himself to Eve, and Eve had not given herself to her husband.

Now it’s broken down

Have you noticed in our culture’s stories how marital sex is nearly always portrayed as a chore to be avoided, while affairs and other forms of sexual behavior appear exciting?  If I say the word monogamy, do you regard the concept as a positive or a negative one? Why? If you’re married, did your friends try to talk you out of it, citing the endless novelty of hookups compared to loving one woman for life? Part of this inversion is the distortion of our world through sin. So a loyal wife seems boring to her husband, compared to the women at his office, and an aloof cad is seemingly irresistible compared to a wife’s dependable husband.  This is why King Solomon wrote in Proverbs 9:16, “Stolen water is sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant.” But note this: Just because a forbidden thing is appealing doesn’t mean you shouldn’t avoid it. (See also poison mushrooms.)

Reacquiring the trail

If you dread the idea of marriage, in the present or the future, I want to encourage you to re-establish a biblical view of marriage. First, note that biblical marriage is a covenant rather than a contract. This is not a legal instrument between two consenting parties that can be broken at will. Among God’s people, a covenant is a binding, irrevocable joining between God and his people. There are obligations, but failure to perform doesn’t justify an exit.

It is true that you have the duty of spiritual headship, and the responsibility to shepherd, protect, and provide for your wife and children, and those obligations demand lifelong faithfulness. It is also true that you can expect to enjoy the marriage bed — sex — with your wife and the two of you have a responsibility to maintain this aspect of your marriage — especially when kiddos enter the picture. Check out Proverbs 5:15-19 for just one biblical encouragement in this area.

The ratio

Before Mrs. Booth and I married, an older friend took me aside and said, “I know you think marriage is a 50/50 proposition. It isn’t. It’s 100/100. It takes both of you giving it 100% for it to work.” I have learned that friend was 100% correct. And this brings us to service.

A generous spirit requires bravery

An unpleasant aspect of our times is the wariness that leads to near-constant score-keeping. We are willing to give, as long as we get, but heaven help the one who takes and never gives. Does that sound familiar? In marriage, we have to overcome the fear and serve each other generously. Even if you’re afraid you won’t get anything out of it, serve.

In Paul’s letter to the church at Ephesus, the apostle instructed wives to submit to their husbands, but he instructed husbands to love their wives the way Christ loved the church. In case you’re unfamiliar with the story, he died for her. Obviously, marriage is one of those things where you must be present to win, so what does this sacrificial service look like in the realm of mortals?

Here’s an example

In the fewest words, it means put others first. If you do this, God notices. And He is able to reward you. But I promised you an example.

If you haven’t seen the video for Andra Day’s song Rise Up, it’s a great portrayal of loving service in the context of marriage. Please watch this now. I’ll wait

This video, directed by M. Night Shyamalan, conveys so much truth, and Andra Day’s vocal performance drives it home. Note the wife pouring out her life for the husband who can no longer hold her. Though her reward would seem slight compared to what she — and he — expected when they first married, this is a shining example of loving and giving 100%.

And notice, also, how the husband doesn’t quit, either. He gives the strength he has, and she appreciates it. Good art with a true message!

Not just true in stories

You may argue that Shyamalan could tell the story any way he wants, and that the video is a made-up story. Fair enough, but I have a pastor friend whose wife has Multiple Sclerosis and he serves his wife in the same manner. He cares for her and loves her like Christ loves the church — the way he promised to when they wed. And he’s not the only man I know who has cared for his wife this way. I have written before about old-school wedding vows, and this is where they prove their worth.

I know there is great risk in getting married these days. The statistics, as we’ve noted, are grim. But it is also possible to find godly, virtuous women who want to be married to godly and masculine spiritual leaders. So for God’s sake (literally), lead, love, and serve. Your children need the stability that only a covenant marriage can provide them.

God would not have commanded this of husbands if men weren’t capable of doing it. If you aren’t that sort of man yet, stick around and learn how to be one. Or message me and let’s start a discussion.

It is not good for the man to be alone, but it also important to marry the kind of woman who will stick by you — and by whom you’ll stick — when the storms come. It can be done!

So how about you? How are you leading and serving in your marriage, or preparing to lead and serve in your marriage? Add your comments below.