“Marriage is the graduate school of service.” – Pastor David Chadwick

I’ve made no secret of my belief in marriage. Mrs. Booth and I have been married for nearly 32 years, with the struggles and joys that come with being married that long. It has been and is a great thing and I love being married to my wife.

And I admit that the climate for marriage in the west is hostile in many ways. From taxes that penalize marriage economically, to family courts that incentivize women to file for divorce from their husbands, to cultural Marxist feminism that seeks to destroy “the patriarchy” by destroying men, there is plenty of evidence to support a man’s decision not to marry. But let’s revisit one of my favorite axioms:

Abuse doesn’t invalidate use.

Marriage is to be kept pure…

The occasions when men commit murder with hammers doesn’t justify banning hammers or outlawing carpentry. The widespread misuse of the institution of marriage — from cohabitation and out-of-wedlock births, through frivolous no-fault divorce — doesn’t mean that marriage has forfeited its divine purpose.

Back to the beginning

If we look to the creation narrative in the second chapter of the Old Testament book of Genesis, we see that God had created the universe, placing man, whom he had made in his own image, at the top of the created order. God pronounced it good. But when he saw that he had made suitable mates for all the other creatures except man, God said, “it is not good that man should be alone.”

After evaluating every other type of creature and not finding a mate, a companion, a wife for the man, Adam, God did something remarkable. He put Adam to sleep and took flesh and bone from his side, making from them a woman, whom Adam called Eve. Note that up to this point, Adam was the bearer of the full imago dei — the image of God. In this, Adam reflected masculinity and femininity as God does. But when God created Eve to be Adam’s helper, his (in Hebrew) ezer kenegdo — literally his “life saver” — God split into two parts the imago dei, investing maleness and masculine strength in the man and investing femaleness and feminine beauty and tenderness in the woman. This is important, because Genesis 2:24-25 says this:

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

This one-flesh union, this intimate knowing, free of guilt and shame is the heart of marriage.

Breaking it down

Note the lack of self-consciousness and self-regard in this first marriage. Their nakedness and vulnerability was not something to exploit for advantage, rather it was open and generous. It cannot have been otherwise, as the one-flesh union would not have existed if Adam had not given himself to Eve, and Eve had not given herself to her husband.

Now it’s broken down

Have you noticed in our culture’s stories how marital sex is nearly always portrayed as a chore to be avoided, while affairs and other forms of sexual behavior appear exciting?  If I say the word monogamy, do you regard the concept as a positive or a negative one? Why? If you’re married, did your friends try to talk you out of it, citing the endless novelty of hookups compared to loving one woman for life? Part of this inversion is the distortion of our world through sin. So a loyal wife seems boring to her husband, compared to the women at his office, and an aloof cad is seemingly irresistible compared to a wife’s dependable husband.  This is why King Solomon wrote in Proverbs 9:16, “Stolen water is sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant.” But note this: Just because a forbidden thing is appealing doesn’t mean you shouldn’t avoid it. (See also poison mushrooms.)

Reacquiring the trail

If you dread the idea of marriage, in the present or the future, I want to encourage you to re-establish a biblical view of marriage. First, note that biblical marriage is a covenant rather than a contract. This is not a legal instrument between two consenting parties that can be broken at will. Among God’s people, a covenant is a binding, irrevocable joining between God and his people. There are obligations, but failure to perform doesn’t justify an exit.

It is true that you have the duty of spiritual headship, and the responsibility to shepherd, protect, and provide for your wife and children, and those obligations demand lifelong faithfulness. It is also true that you can expect to enjoy the marriage bed — sex — with your wife and the two of you have a responsibility to maintain this aspect of your marriage — especially when kiddos enter the picture. Check out Proverbs 5:15-19 for just one biblical encouragement in this area.

The ratio

Before Mrs. Booth and I married, an older friend took me aside and said, “I know you think marriage is a 50/50 proposition. It isn’t. It’s 100/100. It takes both of you giving it 100% for it to work.” I have learned that friend was 100% correct. And this brings us to service.

A generous spirit requires bravery

An unpleasant aspect of our times is the wariness that leads to near-constant score-keeping. We are willing to give, as long as we get, but heaven help the one who takes and never gives. Does that sound familiar? In marriage, we have to overcome the fear and serve each other generously. Even if you’re afraid you won’t get anything out of it, serve.

In Paul’s letter to the church at Ephesus, the apostle instructed wives to submit to their husbands, but he instructed husbands to love their wives the way Christ loved the church. In case you’re unfamiliar with the story, he died for her. Obviously, marriage is one of those things where you must be present to win, so what does this sacrificial service look like in the realm of mortals?

Here’s an example

In the fewest words, it means put others first. If you do this, God notices. And He is able to reward you. But I promised you an example.

If you haven’t seen the video for Andra Day’s song Rise Up, it’s a great portrayal of loving service in the context of marriage. Please watch this now. I’ll wait

This video, directed by M. Night Shyamalan, conveys so much truth, and Andra Day’s vocal performance drives it home. Note the wife pouring out her life for the husband who can no longer hold her. Though her reward would seem slight compared to what she — and he — expected when they first married, this is a shining example of loving and giving 100%.

And notice, also, how the husband doesn’t quit, either. He gives the strength he has, and she appreciates it. Good art with a true message!

Not just true in stories

You may argue that Shyamalan could tell the story any way he wants, and that the video is a made-up story. Fair enough, but I have a pastor friend whose wife has Multiple Sclerosis and he serves his wife in the same manner. He cares for her and loves her like Christ loves the church — the way he promised to when they wed. And he’s not the only man I know who has cared for his wife this way. I have written before about old-school wedding vows, and this is where they prove their worth.

I know there is great risk in getting married these days. The statistics, as we’ve noted, are grim. But it is also possible to find godly, virtuous women who want to be married to godly and masculine spiritual leaders. So for God’s sake (literally), lead, love, and serve. Your children need the stability that only a covenant marriage can provide them.

God would not have commanded this of husbands if men weren’t capable of doing it. If you aren’t that sort of man yet, stick around and learn how to be one. Or message me and let’s start a discussion.

It is not good for the man to be alone, but it also important to marry the kind of woman who will stick by you — and by whom you’ll stick — when the storms come. It can be done!

So how about you? How are you leading and serving in your marriage, or preparing to lead and serve in your marriage? Add your comments below.

“Marriage is the graduate school of service.” – Pastor David Chadwick

I’ve made no secret of my belief in marriage. Mrs. Booth and I have been married for nearly 32 years, with the struggles and joys that come with being married that long. It has been and is a great thing and I love being married to my wife.

And I admit that the climate for marriage in the west is hostile in many ways. From taxes that penalize marriage economically, to family courts that incentivize women to file for divorce from their husbands, to cultural Marxist feminism that seeks to destroy “the patriarchy” by destroying men, there is plenty of evidence to support a man’s decision not to marry. But let’s revisit one of my favorite axioms:

Abuse doesn’t invalidate use.

Marriage is to be kept pure…

The occasions when men commit murder with hammers doesn’t justify banning hammers or outlawing carpentry. The widespread misuse of the institution of marriage — from cohabitation and out-of-wedlock births, through frivolous no-fault divorce — doesn’t mean that marriage has forfeited its divine purpose.

Back to the beginning

If we look to the creation narrative in the second chapter of the Old Testament book of Genesis, we see that God had created the universe, placing man, whom he had made in his own image, at the top of the created order. God pronounced it good. But when he saw that he had made suitable mates for all the other creatures except man, God said, “it is not good that man should be alone.”

After evaluating every other type of creature and not finding a mate, a companion, a wife for the man, Adam, God did something remarkable. He put Adam to sleep and took flesh and bone from his side, making from them a woman, whom Adam called Eve. Note that up to this point, Adam was the bearer of the full imago dei — the image of God. In this, Adam reflected masculinity and femininity as God does. But when God created Eve to be Adam’s helper, his (in Hebrew) ezer kenegdo — literally his “life saver” — God split into two parts the imago dei, investing maleness and masculine strength in the man and investing femaleness and feminine beauty and tenderness in the woman. This is important, because Genesis 2:24-25 says this:

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

This one-flesh union, this intimate knowing, free of guilt and shame is the heart of marriage.

Breaking it down

Note the lack of self-consciousness and self-regard in this first marriage. Their nakedness and vulnerability was not something to exploit for advantage, rather it was open and generous. It cannot have been otherwise, as the one-flesh union would not have existed if Adam had not given himself to Eve, and Eve had not given herself to her husband.

Now it’s broken down

Have you noticed in our culture’s stories how marital sex is nearly always portrayed as a chore to be avoided, while affairs and other forms of sexual behavior appear exciting?  If I say the word monogamy, do you regard the concept as a positive or a negative one? Why? If you’re married, did your friends try to talk you out of it, citing the endless novelty of hookups compared to loving one woman for life? Part of this inversion is the distortion of our world through sin. So a loyal wife seems boring to her husband, compared to the women at his office, and an aloof cad is seemingly irresistible compared to a wife’s dependable husband.  This is why King Solomon wrote in Proverbs 9:16, “Stolen water is sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant.” But note this: Just because a forbidden thing is appealing doesn’t mean you shouldn’t avoid it. (See also poison mushrooms.)

Reacquiring the trail

If you dread the idea of marriage, in the present or the future, I want to encourage you to re-establish a biblical view of marriage. First, note that biblical marriage is a covenant rather than a contract. This is not a legal instrument between two consenting parties that can be broken at will. Among God’s people, a covenant is a binding, irrevocable joining between God and his people. There are obligations, but failure to perform doesn’t justify an exit.

It is true that you have the duty of spiritual headship, and the responsibility to shepherd, protect, and provide for your wife and children, and those obligations demand lifelong faithfulness. It is also true that you can expect to enjoy the marriage bed — sex — with your wife and the two of you have a responsibility to maintain this aspect of your marriage — especially when kiddos enter the picture. Check out Proverbs 5:15-19 for just one biblical encouragement in this area.

The ratio

Before Mrs. Booth and I married, an older friend took me aside and said, “I know you think marriage is a 50/50 proposition. It isn’t. It’s 100/100. It takes both of you giving it 100% for it to work.” I have learned that friend was 100% correct. And this brings us to service.

A generous spirit requires bravery

An unpleasant aspect of our times is the wariness that leads to near-constant score-keeping. We are willing to give, as long as we get, but heaven help the one who takes and never gives. Does that sound familiar? In marriage, we have to overcome the fear and serve each other generously. Even if you’re afraid you won’t get anything out of it, serve.

In Paul’s letter to the church at Ephesus, the apostle instructed wives to submit to their husbands, but he instructed husbands to love their wives the way Christ loved the church. In case you’re unfamiliar with the story, he died for her. Obviously, marriage is one of those things where you must be present to win, so what does this sacrificial service look like in the realm of mortals?

Here’s an example

In the fewest words, it means put others first. If you do this, God notices. And He is able to reward you. But I promised you an example.

If you haven’t seen the video for Andra Day’s song Rise Up, it’s a great portrayal of loving service in the context of marriage. Please watch this now. I’ll wait

This video, directed by M. Night Shyamalan, conveys so much truth, and Andra Day’s vocal performance drives it home. Note the wife pouring out her life for the husband who can no longer hold her. Though her reward would seem slight compared to what she — and he — expected when they first married, this is a shining example of loving and giving 100%.

And notice, also, how the husband doesn’t quit, either. He gives the strength he has, and she appreciates it. Good art with a true message!

Not just true in stories

You may argue that Shyamalan could tell the story any way he wants, and that the video is a made-up story. Fair enough, but I have a pastor friend whose wife has Multiple Sclerosis and he serves his wife in the same manner. He cares for her and loves her like Christ loves the church — the way he promised to when they wed. And he’s not the only man I know who has cared for his wife this way. I have written before about old-school wedding vows, and this is where they prove their worth.

I know there is great risk in getting married these days. The statistics, as we’ve noted, are grim. But it is also possible to find godly, virtuous women who want to be married to godly and masculine spiritual leaders. So for God’s sake (literally), lead, love, and serve. Your children need the stability that only a covenant marriage can provide them.

God would not have commanded this of husbands if men weren’t capable of doing it. If you aren’t that sort of man yet, stick around and learn how to be one. Or message me and let’s start a discussion.

It is not good for the man to be alone, but it also important to marry the kind of woman who will stick by you — and by whom you’ll stick — when the storms come. It can be done!

So how about you? How are you leading and serving in your marriage, or preparing to lead and serve in your marriage? Add your comments below.

Commenter Dale provided a reminder recently of an important concept that deserves more attention:

“Dalrock, on his blog, has somewhat regularly been hitting the idea that we have love and marriage totally backwards. We think that a relationship of romantic love is the correct place in which to have sex and create marriage. A consequence of this ‘love first’ attitude is that we think it is reasonable, and even necessary, to end the marriage if I no longer feel romantic love. Another is the idea that it is fine to have sex with various people, without “rushing” into the marriage commitment first, as long as we are ‘really in love’.”

Exactly right.

Not your mama’s minivan…
(photo by Ondrej Supitar)

I realize this may sound strange since as the old song, Love and Marriage says, “you can’t have one without the other.” Given the popularity of this idea, it seems almost foolish to question whether love begets marriage or marriage begets love — as long as both are present, who cares? Whether the chicken or the egg came first really doesn’t matter as long as one gets to eat, right? Ah, but it does matter.

A language problem?

Part of our problem stems from a limitation in our language. As I have written elsewhere, unlike our Greek ancestors, we who speak English only have one word for love. And most often when we think of love as it relates to marriage, we think only of romantic or erotic love.

This is a bit of a category error — we are confusing a part of something for its larger whole. And the problem with regarding love as superior to marriage is that ultimately we come to regard marriage as more of a commodity, a consumer good, rather than an institution.

It takes all kinds

Romantic love (eros) is part of being human, and it is a very good thing. The initial surge of attraction and excitement between men and women is a gift from God.  It helps men and women overcome their shyness to meet and begin their courtship. They “fall in love.” But this initial euphoria has to lead somewhere — and ideally, it will mature into a marriage that includes phileo (friendship), storge (familial) and agape (unconditional) love while retaining its romantic spark. This fully realized love within marriage provides the basis for a stable home and the rearing of children, as well as maximized contentment for the husband and wife.

Marriage contains love better than love contains marriage. I hope the following word picture will help to explain it.

Cobras and carpools

Think of marriage as a racetrack and of love as a race car optimized for the track. The car will always run best — and realize its purpose most fully — on the track. All that acceleration, all that handling, all that braking and all the safety equipment is meant for the track and would simply go to waste anywhere else.

Since a race car is still a car after all, one could drive it to work, downtown, on the freeway and on the streets of a subdivision. But it is hard to imagine sitting at a stoplight or waiting in the carpool line at the kids’ school as a satisfactory experience for the driver — especially compared to the experience of the track.

Marriage is the track on which love finds its fullest expression. By contrast, trying to run marriage on the track of love places feelings — most notably those feelings of attraction or being “in love” — in a place of supremacy they do not deserve. And with predictably bad outcomes.

Running under caution

The idea that love begets marriage leads to the error that being in love makes sex moral.* And as Dale notes above, when we adopt this idea, the cooling of desire becomes justification for ending a marriage.

In my first post, I said, “Despite all the ways both institutions are imperfect, I am pro-marriage and pro-church.” I’ll stand by that. Meanwhile, I encourage you who are reading these words to consider whether you are over-exalting romantic love. It isn’t too late to get on the right track.

So how about you? How do you regard romantic love? Add your comments below.

*H/T: Dalrock

Note: In last week’s post, I quoted J. R. R. Tolkien’s saying that monogamy for men isn’t natural. I agree. It is, however, worth the effort as I explain in this post and its follow-up.

“He who loves one woman has loved them all. He who has loved many women has loved none.”  – Spanish proverb

In my last post, I explained why the myth of “The One” could be hazardous to your prospects for a healthy and satisfying marriage. Some men refer to this phenomenon as oneitis (as in: one-itis), and its effects generally produce rash decisions in men. Women tell each other not to settle; I’m telling you not to settle. Marriage is far too important a commitment — lifelong, remember? — to enter without counting the cost. At the same time, I am telling you not to drive past a sign that says “last chance for gasoline for 100 miles.”

You can only get there if you go together.
(Photo by Ben Rosett)

Today I’d like for us to talk about the challenges and rewards of monogamy. If oneitis and overexalting romantic love cause men to rush into commitment too quickly, the exclusivity and security of marriage — two of the greatest blessings of marriage — can feel (note that word, feel) confining and motivate men and women to seek too hasty an exit.

No-fault divorce and other aspects of what is called family law,  combined with western consumerism have caused far too many couples to give up and check out before they discover the sweetness of overcoming these challenges together.

Too much of a good thing?

Those who preach against monogamy claim that it’s boring and unrealistic. Citing evolutionary biology they say that, since we’re animals, we’re wired for promiscuity. For this reason, they argue, a man’s desire for novelty and variety is nothing surprising and nothing to get upset about. Any man will tell you that his loins have no conscience, but if we were honest, we would have to acknowledge that we are to use our minds and our moral sense to govern and control our impulses — and our loins.

After all, if the presence of an urge is sufficient proof of its rightness, we would steal and kill with impunity. I’m not aware of any mainstream school of thought that endorses theft and murder on the grounds they are natural. Only sexuality is given such an out. That should tell you something. Besides, if God commands that we avoid certain behaviors, it would seem reasonable that it can be done.

Abundance mindset

In the same way that single men should avoid cultivating a scarcity mindset, a married man should also view his marriage as a place of abundance. It is true that the husband has pledged himself for life to one woman, but she is now and forever his woman. Instead of seeing this as cutting himself off from possibilities, he has unlocked the door to a treasure house if he knows how to appreciate it.

Please note: There is no shortage of things that can go wrong in marriage. I still believe it’s worth it, and I wouldn’t even try it without God’s help.

Marriage to the right woman is a blessing, but it’s still hard work

Even before the fall (Genesis 3 — you could look it up), Adam and Eve had work to do, tending the Garden of Eden. After the fall the work became more difficult. So even if you are blessed to marry a beautiful, godly, kind, generous and sensible woman who wants to follow your lead, she is still as fallen as you are. As her husband, you still have the task of being the spiritual head of your wife and of leading her toward Christ over the course of your life together. Note that if you must lead her toward Christ, you will both have to overcome your tendency to stray away from him. That’s on you, mate.

Feelings will come and go, and the child-rearing years will affect your relationship, her body, your body, and the time you will have available to cultivate your relationship. Resist the temptation to regard any moment, any hour, any day or any year as the sum of what your marriage is or can be. Each of these is a snapshot that can convey a piece of the truth, but cannot contain it all. Assume the best about each other.

I’ll write more about this later, but if I could only give one piece of advice it would be this: Make your relationship with your wife the most important relationship under Heaven — and certainly the most important relationship in the house. If you make it about the kids, you’ll lose your purpose when they grow up and move out, knocking the poles out of your tent.

So how about you? How are preparing now to have a marriage that goes the distance? Add your comments below.

I encountered what I’m about to share with you quite providentially. In a discussion regarding male-female relationships, someone made a passing reference to the letters J.R.R. Tolkien wrote to his son. Being a fan of “The Hobbit” and “The Lord of the Rings, I was intrigued, went looking for the letter, and found it. I have reproduced it below in its entirety — British spellings and all. It is a long, but worthwhile read.

In a future post, I will offer some thoughts on Tolkien’s ideas and how they may apply to your life and mine. In the meantime, notice the fatherly intention and tone of the letter. Here was a man interested in sharing what he had learned with his son — who at the time was recovering in a military hospital from wounds suffered in training during World War II. Enter J.R.R. Tolkien:

“One ring to rule them all…”

From a letter to Michael Tolkien 6-8 March 1941

[On the subject of marriage and relations between the sexes.]

A man’s dealings with women can be purely physical (they cannot really, of course: but I mean he can refuse to take other things into account, to the great damage of his soul (and body) and theirs); or ‘friendly’; or he can be a ‘lover’ (engaging and blending all his affections and powers of mind and body in a complex emotion powerfully coloured and energized by ‘sex’). This is a fallen world. The dislocation of sex-instinct is one of the chief symptoms of the Fall. The world has been ‘going to the bad’ all down the ages. The various social forms shift, and each new mode has its special dangers: but the ‘hard spirit of concupiscence’ has walked down every street, and sat leering in every house, since Adam fell. We will leave aside the ‘immoral’ results. These you desire not to be dragged into. To renunciation you have no call. ‘Friendship’ then? In this fallen world the ‘friendship’ that should be possible between all human beings, is virtually impossible between man and woman. The devil is endlessly ingenious, and sex is his favourite subject. He is as good every bit at catching you through generous romantic or tender motives, as through baser or more animal ones. This ‘friendship’ has often been tried: one side or the other nearly always fails. Later in life when sex cools down, it may be possible. It may happen between saints. To ordinary folk it can only rarely occur: two minds that have really a primarily mental and spiritual affinity may by accident reside in a male and a female body, and yet may desire and achieve a ‘friendship’ quite independent of sex. But no one can count on it. The other partner will let him (or her) down, almost certainly, by ‘falling in love’. But a young man does not really (as a rule) want ‘friendship’, even if he says he does. There are plenty of young men (as a rule). He wants love: innocent, and yet irresponsible perhaps. Allas! Allas! that ever love was sinne! as Chaucer says. Then if he is a Christian and is aware that there is such a thing as sin, he wants to know what to do about it.

There is in our Western culture the romantic chivalric tradition still strong, though as a product of Christendom (yet by no means the same as Christian ethics) the times are inimical to it. It idealizes ‘love’ — and as far as it goes can be very good, since it takes in far more than physical pleasure, and enjoins if not purity, at least fidelity, and so self-denial, ‘service’, courtesy, honour, and courage. Its weakness is, of course, that it began as an artificial courtly game, a way of enjoying love for its own sake without reference to (and indeed contrary to) matrimony. Its centre was not God, but imaginary Deities, Love and the Lady. It still tends to make the Lady a kind of guiding star or divinity – of the old-fashioned ‘his divinity’ = the woman he loves – the object or reason of noble conduct. This is, of course, false and at best make-believe. The woman is another fallen human-being with a soul in peril. But combined and harmonized with religion (as long ago it was, producing much of that beautiful devotion to Our Lady that has been God’s way of refining so much our gross manly natures and emotions, and also of warming and colouring our hard, bitter, religion) it can be very noble. Then it produces what I suppose is still felt, among those who retain even vestigiary Christianity, to be the highest ideal of love between man and woman. Yet I still think it has dangers. It is not wholly true, and it is not perfectly ‘theocentric’. It takes, or at any rate has in the past taken, the young man’s eye off women as they are, as companions in shipwreck not guiding stars. (One result is for observation of the actual to make the young man turn cynical.) To forget their desires, needs and temptations. It inculcates exaggerated notions of ‘true love’, as a fire from without, a permanent exaltation, unrelated to age, childbearing, and plain life, and unrelated to will and purpose. (One result of that is to make young folk look for a ‘love’ that will keep them always nice and warm in a cold world, without any effort of theirs; and the incurably romantic go on looking even in the squalor of the divorce courts).

Women really have not much part in all this, though they may use the language of romantic love, since it is so entwined in all our idioms. The sexual impulse makes women (naturally when unspoiled more unselfish) very sympathetic and understanding, or specially desirous of being so (or seeming so), and very ready to enter into all the interests, as far as they can, from ties to religion, of the young man they are attracted to. No intent necessarily to deceive: sheer instinct: the servient, helpmeet instinct, generously warmed by desire and young blood. Under this impulse they can in fact often achieve very remarkable insight and understanding, even of things otherwise outside their natural range: for it is their gift to be receptive, stimulated, fertilized (in many other matters than the physical) by the male. Every teacher knows that. How quickly an intelligent woman can be taught, grasp his ideas, see his point – and how (with rare exceptions) they can go no further, when they leave his hand, or when they cease to take a personal interest in him. But this is their natural avenue to love. Before the young woman knows where she is (and while the romantic young man, when he exists, is still sighing) she may actually ‘fall in love’. Which for her, an unspoiled natural young woman, means that she wants to become the mother of the young man’s children, even if that desire is by no means clear to her or explicit. And then things are going to happen: and they may be very painful and harmful, if things go wrong. Particularly if the young man only wanted a temporary guiding star and divinity (until he hitches his waggon to a brighter one), and was merely enjoying the flattery of sympathy nicely seasoned with a titillation of sex – all quite innocent, of course, and worlds away from ‘seduction’.

You may meet in life (as in literature¹) women who are flighty, or even plain wanton — I don’t refer to mere flirtatiousness, the sparring practice for the real combat, but to women who are too silly to take even love seriously, or are actually so depraved as to enjoy ‘conquests’, or even enjoy the giving of pain – but these are abnormalities, even though false teaching, bad upbringing, and corrupt fashions may encourage them. Much though modern conditions have changed feminine circumstances, and the detail of what is considered propriety, they have not changed natural instinct. A man has a life-work, a career, (and male friends), all of which could (and do where he has any guts) survive the shipwreck of ‘love’. A young woman, even one ‘economically independent’, as they say now (it usually really means economic subservience to male commercial employers instead of to a father or a family), begins to think of the ‘bottom drawer’ and dream of a home, almost at once. If she really falls in love, the shipwreck may really end on the rocks. Anyway women are in general much less romantic and more practical. Don’t be misled by the fact that they are more ‘sentimental’ in words – freer with ‘darling’, and all that. They do not want a guiding star. They may idealize a plain young man into a hero; but they don’t really need any such glamour either to fall in love or to remain in it. If they have any delusion it is that they can ‘reform’ men. They will take a rotter open-eyed, and even when the delusion of reforming him fails, go on loving him. They are, of course, much more realistic about the sexual relation. Unless perverted by bad contemporary fashions they do not as a rule talk ‘bawdy’; not because they are purer than men (they are not) but because they don’t find it funny. I have known those who pretended to, but it is a pretence. It may be intriguing, interesting, absorbing (even a great deal too absorbing) to them: but it is just plumb natural, a serious, obvious interest; where is the joke?

They have, of course, still to be more careful in sexual relations, for all the contraceptives. Mistakes are damaging physically and socially (and matrimonially). But they are instinctively, when uncorrupt, monogamous. Men are not. …. No good pretending. Men just ain’t, not by their animal nature. Monogamy (although it has long been fundamental to our inherited ideas) is for us men a piece of ‘revealed’ ethic, according to faith and not to the flesh. Each of us could healthily beget, in our 30 odd years of full manhood, a few hundred children, and enjoy the process. Brigham Young (I believe) was a healthy and happy man. It is a fallen world, and there is no consonance between our bodies, minds, and souls.

However, the essence of a fallen world is that the best cannot be attained by free enjoyment, or by what is called ‘self-realization’ (usually a nice name for self-indulgence, wholly inimical to the realization of other selves); but by denial, by suffering. Faithfulness in Christian marriage entails that: great mortification. For a Christian man there is no escape. Marriage may help to sanctify & direct to its proper object his sexual desires; its grace may help him in the struggle; but the struggle remains. It will not satisfy him – as hunger may be kept off by regular meals. It will offer as many difficulties to the purity proper to that state, as it provides easements. No man, however truly he loved his betrothed and bride as a young man, has lived faithful to her as a wife in mind and body without deliberate conscious exercise of the will, without self-denial. Too few are told that — even those brought up ‘in the Church’. Those outside seem seldom to have heard it. When the glamour wears off, or merely works a bit thin, they think they have made a mistake, and that the real soul-mate is still to find. The real soul-mate too often proves to be the next sexually attractive person that comes along. Someone whom they might indeed very profitably have married, if only —. Hence divorce, to provide the ‘if only’. And of course they are as a rule quite right: they did make a mistake. Only a very wise man at the end of his life could make a sound judgement concerning whom, amongst the total possible chances, he ought most profitably to have married! Nearly all marriages, even happy ones, are mistakes: in the sense that almost certainly (in a more perfect world, or even with a little more care in this very imperfect one) both partners might have found more suitable mates. But the ‘real soul-mate’ is the one you are actually married to. You really do very little choosing: life and circumstance do most of it (though if there is a God these must be His instruments, or His appearances). It is notorious that in fact happy marriages are more common where the ‘choosing’ by the young persons is even more limited, by parental or family authority, as long as there is a social ethic of plain unromantic responsibility and conjugal fidelity. But even in countries where the romantic tradition has so far affected social arrangements as to make people believe that the choosing of a mate is solely the concern of the young, only the rarest good fortune brings together the man and woman who are really as it were ‘destined’ for one another, and capable of a very great and splendid love. The idea still dazzles us, catches us by the throat: poems and stories in multitudes have been written on the theme, more, probably, than the total of such loves in real life (yet the greatest of these tales do not tell of the happy marriage of such great lovers, but of their tragic separation; as if even in this sphere the truly great and splendid in this fallen world is more nearly achieved by ‘failure’ and suffering). In such great inevitable love, often love at first sight, we catch a vision, I suppose, of marriage as it should have been in an unfallen world. In this fallen world we have as our only guides, prudence, wisdom (rare in youth, too late in age), a clean, heart, and fidelity of will.….

My own history is so exceptional, so wrong and imprudent in nearly every point that it makes it difficult to counsel prudence. Yet hard cases make bad law; and exceptional cases are not always good guides for others. For what it is worth here is some autobiography – mainly on this occasion directed towards the points of age, and finance.

I fell in love with your mother at the approximate age of 18. Quite genuinely, as has been shown – though of course defects of character and temperament have caused me often to fall below the ideal with which I started. Your mother was older than I, and not a Catholic. Altogether unfortunate, as viewed by a guardian. And it was in a sense very unfortunate; and in a way very bad for me. These things are absorbing and nervously exhausting. I was a clever boy in the throes of work for (a very necessary) Oxford scholarship. The combined tensions nearly produced a bad breakdown. I muffed my exams and though (as years afterwards my H[ead] M[aster] told me) I ought to have got a good scholarship, I only landed by the skin of my teeth an exhibition of £60 at Exeter: just enough with a school leaving scholarship] of the same amount to come up on (assisted by my dear old guardian). Of course there was a credit side, not so easily seen by the guardian. I was clever, but not industrious or single-minded; a large pan of my failure was due simply to not working (at least not at classics) not because I was in love, but because I was studying something else: Gothic and what not. Having the romantic upbringing I made a boy-and-girl affair serious, and made it the source of effort. Naturally rather a physical coward, I passed from a despised rabbit on a house second-team to school colours in two seasons. All that sort of thing. However, trouble arose: and I had to choose between disobeying and grieving (or deceiving) a guardian who had been a father to me, more than most real fathers, but without any obligation, and ‘dropping’ the love-affair until I was 21. I don’t regret my decision, though it was very hard on my lover. But that was not my fault. She was perfectly free and under no vow to me, and I should have had no just complaint (except according to the unreal romantic code) if she had got married to someone else. For very nearly three years I did not see or write to my lover. It was extremely hard, painful and bitter, especially at first. The effects were not wholly good: I fell back into folly and slackness and misspent a good deal of my first year at College. But I don’t think anything else would have justified marriage on the basis of a boy’s affair; and probably nothing else would have hardened the will enough to give such an affair (however genuine a case of true love) permanence. On the night of my 21st birthday I wrote again to your mother – Jan. 3, 1913. On Jan. 8th I went back to her, and became engaged, and informed an astonished family. I picked up my socks and did a spot of work (too late to save Hon. Mods. from disaster) – and then war broke out the next year, while I still had a year to go at college. In those days chaps joined up, or were scorned publicly. It was a nasty cleft to be in, especially for a young man with too much imagination and little physical courage. No degree: no money: fiancée. I endured the obloquy, and hints becoming outspoken from relatives, stayed up, and produced a First in Finals in 1915. Bolted into the army: July 1915. I found the situation intolerable and married on March 22, 1916. May found me crossing the Channel (I still have the verse I wrote on the occasion!) for the carnage of the Somme.

Think of your mother! Yet I do not now for a moment feel that she was doing more than she should have been asked to do – not that that detracts from the credit of it. I was a young fellow, with a moderate degree, and apt to write verse, a few dwindling pounds p. a. (£20 – 40), and no prospects, a Second Lieut. on 7/6 a day in the infantry where the chances of survival were against you heavily (as a subaltern). She married me in 1916 and John was born in 1917 (conceived and carried during the starvation-year of 1917 and the great U-Boat campaign) round about the battle of Cambrai, when the end of the war seemed as far-off as it does now. I sold out, and spent to pay the nursing-home, the last of my few South African shares, ‘my patrimony’.

Out of the darkness of my life, so much frustrated, I put before you the one great thing to love on earth: the Blessed Sacrament. …. There you will find romance, glory, honour, fidelity, and the true way of all your loves upon earth, and more than that: Death: by the divine paradox, that which ends life, and demands the surrender of all, and yet by the taste (or foretaste) of which alone can what you seek in your earthly relationships (love, faithfulness, joy) be maintained, or take on that complexion of reality, of eternal endurance, which every man’s heart desires.”

So how about you? What beliefs about love, sex, and, marriage does Tolkien challenge? Add your comments below.

“I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine; he grazes among the lilies.” – Song of Solomon 6:3

In my last post, I began a discussion regarding the benefits of monogamy. You can read Part I here. This time, I’d like to lay out some of the blessings and benefits of lifelong faithfulness.

Knowing and being known — intimacy

The marriage bed is an indispensable part of marriage. For a man, marriage is sex; sex is marriage. That is, the substance of marriage is inextricably linked to the becoming one flesh that defined marriage when the world was new. Monogamy pays off decades into your marriage. You’ll see this as your desire for your wife becomes keener when you realize that in addition to her body, you are attracted to the emotional and spiritual connection. When you arrive there, you realize what a cheap con is on offer in commercials, in pornography and in the hookup culture. None of these can provide the knowing, the true oneness that you can have in the marriage bed with your own wife.

Soul union

We in the West have made a grave error regarding marriage. We have corrupted a divine picture of the love of God and have made it into an institution for adult fulfillment. To be sure there is great happiness and fulfillment — pleasure — in marriage, but these are byproducts of faithful living, rather than ends in themselves.

The one-flesh union of husband and wife is an image of the union of Christ and the church. Consider the parallels between the marital union and the sacrament of the Eucharist (Communion). In this mystery, the bride and the groom unite. The bride receives and takes in the groom’s body and blood receiving His life and strength in return for her surrender. He spends Himself for her. This is a reality so far beyond stimulating a few nerve endings — no matter how intense.

It takes a lifetime

I have a theory that marriages progress over time. The courtship phase is mostly physical, as the man’s physiology reacts to the sight of his beloved, her scent, the softness of her skin. Her response to him is equal in its intensity, even if it expresses differently. The largely physical component at this stage is a bit like playing with magnets: you can get any two of them to stick as long as the polarity is lined up and they’re close enough.

These days it’s all too common for relationships to begin with physical intimacy. The problem with this is twofold: 1) Between two similarly attractive people, the physical bond nearly always works, and it creates a lingering attachment, and 2) That bond isn’t strong enough to sustain a marriage.

As the novelty of courtship and the passion of the honeymoon give way to living day-to-day as husband and wife, the spiritual substance of marriage grows in importance. Couples that seek and desire this spiritual substance grow deeper in their affection and admiration for each other, and romantic love and attraction grow with them. The couple and their marriage become more resilient. After nearly 30 years of marriage, I can tell you you’re going to need that resilience.

Couples that ignore the spiritual aspect of marriage find that the ride is more like that of a roller coaster — lots of excitement early on, followed by a steady loss of momentum.

The blessings of exclusivity

As I mentioned previously, your bond with your wife is to be unlike any other relationship on earth. You are hers and she is yours — forsaking all others, as the vows say. Do this, and God has something wonderful for the two of you. Proverbs 5 says it this way:

15 Drink water from your own cistern,
    flowing water from your own well.
¹⁶ Should your springs be scattered abroad,
    streams of water in the streets?
¹⁷ Let them be for yourself alone,
    and not for strangers with you.
¹⁸ Let your fountain be blessed,
    and rejoice in the wife of your youth,
¹⁹     a lovely deer, a graceful doe.
Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight;
    be intoxicated always in her love.”

Marriage has a divine purpose, but it also brings with it unparalleled joys for the ones who honor it. As I’ve said previously, marriage is the track on which love runs — not the other way around. Taking the time to get to know a woman before becoming physically intimate, pledging love or proposing marriage is the best method for seeing the woman as she really is, instead of how you wish her to be.

It is this, my friends, that will enable you to be the spiritual leader your wife needs and respects. I’ve said it before: Strive to be the man she needs and you’ll be the man she wants.

Finish strong

There are no magic numbers beyond which you can begin to coast. You have a lifelong, covenant obligation to lead and serve your wife, and she has a lifelong covenant obligation to submit to your headship. This complementarity maintains attraction that can last as long as you live.

Since I trust you will not get married unless you’re willing to make such a commitment to one woman for life, I hope these words will find their way into your memory and serve you when you’re ten or twenty years or more into your married life.

So how about you? How are you preparing yourself to be a faithful husband? What resources have you found helpful? Add your comments below.

“He who loves one woman has loved them all. He who has loved many women has loved none.”  – Spanish proverb

In my last post, I explained why the myth of “The One” could be hazardous to your prospects for a healthy and satisfying marriage. Some men refer to this phenomenon as oneitis (as in: one-itis), and its effects generally produce rash decisions in men. Women tell each other not to settle; I’m telling you not to settle. Marriage is far too important a commitment — lifelong, remember? — to enter without counting the cost. At the same time, I am telling you not to drive past a sign that says “last chance for gasoline for 100 miles.”

You can only get there if you go together.
(Photo by Ben Rosett)

Today I’d like for us to talk about the challenges and rewards of monogamy. If oneitis and overexalting romantic love cause men to rush into commitment too quickly, the exclusivity and security of marriage — two of the greatest blessings of marriage — can feel (note that word, feel) confining and motivate men and women to seek too hasty an exit.

No-fault divorce and other aspects of what is called family law,  combined with western consumerism have caused far too many couples to give up and check out before they discover the sweetness of overcoming these challenges together.

Too much of a good thing?

Those who preach against monogamy claim that it’s boring and unrealistic. Citing evolutionary biology they say that, since we’re animals, we’re wired for promiscuity. For this reason, they argue, a man’s desire for novelty and variety is nothing surprising and nothing to get upset about. Any man will tell you that his loins have no conscience, but if we were honest, we would have to acknowledge that we are to use our minds and our moral sense to govern and control our impulses — and our loins.

After all, if the presence of an urge is sufficient proof of its rightness, we would steal and kill with impunity. I’m not aware of any mainstream school of thought that endorses theft and murder on the grounds they are natural. Only sexuality is given such an out. That should tell you something. Besides, if God commands that we avoid certain behaviors, it would seem reasonable that it can be done.

Abundance mindset

In the same way that single men should avoid cultivating a scarcity mindset, a married man should also view his marriage as a place of abundance. It is true that the husband has pledged himself for life to one woman, but she is now and forever his woman. Instead of seeing this as cutting himself off from possibilities, he has unlocked the door to a treasure house if he knows how to appreciate it.

Please note: There is no shortage of things that can go wrong in marriage. I still believe it’s worth it, and I wouldn’t even try it without God’s help.

Marriage to the right woman is a blessing, but it’s still hard work

Even before the fall (Genesis 3 — you could look it up), Adam and Eve had work to do, tending the Garden of Eden. After the fall the work became more difficult. So even if you are blessed to marry a beautiful, godly, kind, generous and sensible woman who wants to follow your lead, she is still as fallen as you are. As her husband, you still have the task of being the spiritual head of your wife and of leading her toward Christ over the course of your life together. Note that if you must lead her toward Christ, you will both have to overcome your tendency to stray away from him. That’s on you, mate.

Feelings will come and go, and the child-rearing years will affect your relationship, her body, your body, and the time you will have available to cultivate your relationship. Resist the temptation to regard any moment, any hour, any day or any year as the sum of what your marriage is or can be. Each of these is a snapshot that can convey a piece of the truth, but cannot contain it all. Assume the best about each other.

I’ll write more about this later, but if I could only give one piece of advice it would be this: Make your relationship with your wife the most important relationship under Heaven — and certainly the most important relationship in the house. If you make it about the kids, you’ll lose your purpose when they grow up and move out, knocking the poles out of your tent.

So how about you? How are preparing now to have a marriage that goes the distance? Add your comments below.

“A continual dripping on a rainy day and a quarrelsome wife are alike; to restrain her is to restrain the wind or to grasp oil in one’s right hand.” – Proverbs 27:15-16 (ESV)

Note: Welcome to my 100th post — which also coincides with the first anniversary of our launch. Thank you for reading, for subscribing, for commenting and for coming back. I’m looking forward to the next 100. -Geo.

As you see from the quotation above a wife can be a good or a bad thing — it really depends on the wife.  For this reason, a man owes it to himself to do some deep thinking on marriage and on the qualities he values most highly in a wife. This starts with getting rid of falsehoods and misconceptions. Let’s start with the biggest one.

Happy birthday, Ontozoan!

The myth of “The One”

This is the belief that somewhere God has prepared one — and only one — woman for you. Fail to wife her up, this theory goes, and you’ll be alone the rest of your life. This myth pervades our culture and exacts a terrible cost. It is closely related to the concept of the soulmate.

In entertainment

Plenty of movies have as their premise an unhappily married spouse — most often the wife — who is swept away in a tide of passion by a rugged stranger. We’re encouraged to see this as ethical because she apparently married in error, instead of holding out for The One. Her feeling unhappy in her marriage proves the error. But now that her soulmate is here, she can finally be happy with him. Unfortunately, to do this she has to abandon her husband and her vows. Even more unfortunately, many women and men seek to emulate this template in their own lives – with real-world consequences.

In the church

The myth of The One has also infiltrated the house of God, but it shows up there in a different way. Instead of rationalizing a divorce (Oh, that happens in churches, too), Christian men and women set up unrealistic and contradictory standards for their future spouses, based on the idea that God is preparing someone for him or her who will function completely contrary to biology.

Let me explain what I mean: A young man who doesn’t take care of his body — in terms of fitness, hygiene and appropriate clothing — should not expect a fitness model to be attracted to him. If he is out of work due to his own laziness and not making an effort to find a job, he should not marvel that women won’t give him the time of day. There are exceptions, of course, but they are rare.

Likewise, a young woman who doesn’t take care of her appearance or who has a humorless, unfeminine disposition, should not wonder why guys aren’t willing to love her just as she is — especially when there are kinder, prettier alternatives.

In a future post, we’ll talk about how attraction works, but note this: God is not obligated to do for you anything that you can do for yourself. If you want six-pack abs, you’re going to have to hit the gym and change the way you eat. Full stop. If you want a kind and godly wife, you need to be the kind of man who can attract, love and lead such a wife.

This blog’s mission is to help men become the best possible version of themselves. Some have more work ahead of them than others, but there is no one holding you back but you.

The problem with “The One”

The destructive power of this myth may be new to you, but let’s consider why it fails:

• If God is making only one woman for you, then there’s no such thing as free will. If your wife is delightful, great — it’s God’s will. If you marry a contentious woman, that’s too bad — it’s God’s will. See how ridiculous that is? This doesn’t even take into account what you or she find desirable.
• Conversely, if your God-ordained soulmate marries someone else, this means the will of God can be thwarted — absolutely stymied — by a man. This doesn’t square with the word Almighty.

Why you need a better meta-narrative

• If you’re sure there’s only one possible match for you, you’ll behave like a hoarder. A scarcity mentality makes it likely you’ll overlook or rationalize potential deal-breakers. Marriage is too important to pursue a woman — any woman — like a crazed bargain-hunter on Black Friday.
• If you’re so doubtful of your own worth as a man that you’ll cling to the only woman who will have you, you’ll be living below your potential, and she will notice this.
• A side effect of this is you’ll surrender your authority as spiritual head and abdicate your God-ordained role. I know you’re tempted to doubt this, but remember that a husband’s mission is to love his wife the way Christ loved the church and to present her to Jesus without spot or blemish. If you’re afraid of losing her, you’ll never say no, even when you should. And you’ll fail as leader. Remember: men and women are equally fallen creatures.
• And for those who may be too choosy: If you’re waiting for perfection, you may cheat yourself out of marriage to a truly good woman. Even so, you do better to be more cautious than rash.

I could write 100 more posts on this topic, but I’ll save some for later. For now, continue working on you and recognize that if God could make children of Abraham out of stones, he is not limited to making only one woman who could be a suitable wife for you.

So how about you? To what extent has the myth of “The One” held you back? Add your comments below.

“Tell me, and I may forget. Show me, and I may remember. Involve me, and I may understand.”
-Chinese Proverb

Fortunately for all of us, it appears we are seeing a dramatic decrease in the use of the term “Man up.” If only the spirit behind it would follow it down. As is true with a lot of other sayings, the intention is more important than the words themselves. Even so, I think that carelessness and overuse has turned what could have been a helpful admonition into a barbed whip.

Pucker up for the prince! (or not)

Consider the source

What about Dad?

Never teach a pig to sing…

Show, don’t tell

Says the man with the blog. I get the irony. But have you noticed that I use word pictures? I’m trying to illustrate the point instead of giving a checklist. In the same way, if someone you know is behaving in an unmanly fashion, model the correct behavior. As in the Chinese proverb above says, involve him and he may understand. This is so much better than empty rhetoric, but it takes the kind of commitment that is a mark of true friendship.

Change from the inside out

So how about you? How can you help the men you know become better men? Add your comments below.

Commenter Dale provided a reminder recently of an important concept that deserves more attention:

“Dalrock, on his blog, has somewhat regularly been hitting the idea that we have love and marriage totally backwards. We think that a relationship of romantic love is the correct place in which to have sex and create marriage. A consequence of this ‘love first’ attitude is that we think it is reasonable, and even necessary, to end the marriage if I no longer feel romantic love. Another is the idea that it is fine to have sex with various people, without “rushing” into the marriage commitment first, as long as we are ‘really in love’.”

Exactly right.

Not your mama’s minivan…
(photo by Ondrej Supitar)

I realize this may sound strange since as the old song, Love and Marriage says, “you can’t have one without the other.” Given the popularity of this idea, it seems almost foolish to question whether love begets marriage or marriage begets love — as long as both are present, who cares? Whether the chicken or the egg came first really doesn’t matter as long as one gets to eat, right? Ah, but it does matter.

A language problem?

Part of our problem stems from a limitation in our language. As I have written elsewhere, unlike our Greek ancestors, we who speak English only have one word for love. And most often when we think of love as it relates to marriage, we think only of romantic or erotic love.

This is a bit of a category error — we are confusing a part of something for its larger whole. And the problem with regarding love as superior to marriage is that ultimately we come to regard marriage as more of a commodity, a consumer good, rather than an institution.

It takes all kinds

Romantic love (eros) is part of being human, and it is a very good thing. The initial surge of attraction and excitement between men and women is a gift from God.  It helps men and women overcome their shyness to meet and begin their courtship. They “fall in love.” But this initial euphoria has to lead somewhere — and ideally, it will mature into a marriage that includes phileo (friendship), storge (familial) and agape (unconditional) love while retaining its romantic spark. This fully realized love within marriage provides the basis for a stable home and the rearing of children, as well as maximized contentment for the husband and wife.

Marriage contains love better than love contains marriage. I hope the following word picture will help to explain it.

Cobras and carpools

Think of marriage as a racetrack and of love as a race car optimized for the track. The car will always run best — and realize its purpose most fully — on the track. All that acceleration, all that handling, all that braking and all the safety equipment is meant for the track and would simply go to waste anywhere else.

Since a race car is still a car after all, one could drive it to work, downtown, on the freeway and on the streets of a subdivision. But it is hard to imagine sitting at a stoplight or waiting in the carpool line at the kids’ school as a satisfactory experience for the driver — especially compared to the experience of the track.

Marriage is the track on which love finds its fullest expression. By contrast, trying to run marriage on the track of love places feelings — most notably those feelings of attraction or being “in love” — in a place of supremacy they do not deserve. And with predictably bad outcomes.

Running under caution

The idea that love begets marriage leads to the error that being in love makes sex moral.* And as Dale notes above, when we adopt this idea, the cooling of desire becomes justification for ending a marriage.

In my first post, I said, “Despite all the ways both institutions are imperfect, I am pro-marriage and pro-church.” I’ll stand by that. Meanwhile, I encourage you who are reading these words to consider whether you are over-exalting romantic love. It isn’t too late to get on the right track.

So how about you? How do you regard romantic love? Add your comments below.

*H/T: Dalrock