Mrs. Booth and I celebrated our wedding anniversary this week. I am profoundly thankful for the years we have had together, and I look forward to the years ahead. The institution of marriage has suffered multiple body blows over the past several decades — and the situation is so bad I hear some of you saying you never plan to marry. You may be called to lifelong singleness, but I doubt it. So whether or not you’re able to see yourself married in the future, here are some of the lessons I’ve learned over the past 30-plus years.

Marriage is hard work…

Dating and courtship are generally good things if one remembers that he is seeking a wife. As good as these methods may be, they provide incomplete data. Nothing prepares a couple for the reality of married life. It’s different when you’ve taken vows before God and witnesses to become one for the rest of your life. Critics scoff that it’s “just a piece of paper.” They are wrong. The weight of marriage strips away the prerogatives of consumerism — you can’t legitimately trade in a wife like a used car. And the work of marriage is to work beyond the infatuation of the early years into knowing and being known through every circumstance.

…But it’s worth it

I’d fail you if I lied and said every day was like a cotton-candy scented rainbow. But the challenges my wife and I have overcome together and the high points we’ve also shared have united us in ways I can’t adequately describe. Even when money is short or work is stressing me out, having an intimate ally is a great blessing. And if you have children, having a solid marriage provides them with significant advantages in terms of their spiritual, emotional and intellectual health. All this to say, you can choose this and work toward it, and it will pay off for generations.

Marriage teaches you

Futurist George Gilder said marriage’s function was to civilize men. I don’t agree completely. I have learned over the years that marriage is, as my pastor says, the graduate school of service. If a man is to love his wife as Christ loves the church, there is a great pot of selfishness that has to die. Interestingly, that selfishness can’t die until it gets exposed. That happens in episodes over time.

If you had asked me on my wedding day if I thought I was selfish, I would have said no. I know better now, but I am still learning.

You will be tested

The old-school wedding vows exist for a reason. Our ancestors understood that our mortal condition was going to need some help. This is because hard times will come — maybe more than once. While you’re young and attraction is strong, it’s useful to have a reminder that you promised to hold on through tough times.

In our case, the first trial showed up just before our first anniversary in the form of a serious health diagnosis. It was not my finest hour as a husband. We worked through it largely because we are the sort not to enter into vows lightly. Thanks be to God!

And you will be tested

In a couple of previous posts, I have written about the husband’s role as spiritual head — as the leader — of his family. Going all the way back to the fall of man in the Garden of Eden, we see that one consequence of our fallen condition is that wives will tend toward dominating their husbands. Men who go along with this tendency rather than lovingly leading their wives can expect to see a loss in respect and attraction on the part of their wives. Understand that the tests a wife throws your way are her way of making sure she has chosen — and still has — the best of men. Leading helps her remember.

There is no magic number

A former colleague brought me to this realization when he explained that he and his wife got divorced after 20 years. “How?” I wondered,”Why?” I couldn’t understand how after all that time they could decide they could no longer stand being married to each other. He said they simply grew apart.

I still find that answer unsatisfying, but it galvanized my view that there is no point in your marriage when you can begin to coast or take your wife for granted. As the man, strive always to be your best. This means getting and staying fit, dressing well for your body type, and maintaining your intellectual and spiritual health as well. Continue to grow and you’ll remain interesting. This will help to maintain her attraction to you. And this will motivate her toward all kinds of good things.

It also means you Have a Plan and a mission, and that you invite your wife to join you in your quest. A quiet evening at home can be great for your marriage. Don’t just come home and flop on the couch by default. Have adventures together. Continue to initiate and to pursue her — in and out of the bedroom.

People say passion fades. I disagree.

Your mileage may vary

I have been married to one — and only one — woman, so understand that what my wife likes may or may not be the same as what your wife likes. Getting to know his own wife is a man’s greatest joy. It takes time, but that’s a good thing because you stay married a day at a time — and you’re aiming for a lifetime.

Likewise, measure what I or any man offers in the way of marriage advice against God’s word and use your God-given sense. I am aware that there are pitfalls in and around marriage — and I have been far from perfect as a husband. Still, I cannot imagine my life any other way, and I thank God again for blessing me with such a wife.

So how about you? How do you plan to build a strong and durable marriage? What lessons have you learned? Add your comments below.

You may or may not find yourself in the situations described by David Byrne & co., but if you’re in the US, it’s almost certain you will find yourself sitting down to a grand Thanksgiving dinner later this week. Grandmother and or Mom will break out the fine china and the silverware and in addition to showing your appreciation for all their hard work, you’ll want to show them you’re a gentleman. So today, let’s review table manners.

The main idea

Same as it ever was…

We’ve talked about this before, but the main idea regarding manners is to put the maximum number of people around you at ease. Even if you do something wrong, do not make a big deal of it. If it’s inescapable — for example if you burp loudly and unexpectedly — acknowledge it and apologize with the fewest words possible. Otherwise, don’t call attention to it. Likewise, don’t call attention to the faults of others.

If this is the main holiday meal, make it a point to show up groomed and dressed appropriately. Now, you’re at the table.

What are all these silverware pieces for?

So much of a man’s dining these days is uber-casual, so it can be baffling to sit down in front of what appears to be Aunt Tiffy’s utensil collection. Relax, you can handle this. First: remember the outside-in rule. The pieces in front of you are laid down so you can reach them in the order in which they’ll be used. Too complicated? If salad comes before the entree, your (smaller) salad fork is to the left of your (larger) dinner fork. Your soup or fruit spoon is to the right (outside) your coffee or dessert spoon. See? I told you you can do it.

The napkin

These things don’t require a user’s manual, but here’s the deal: Spread it across your lap the moment you sit down. If you get up during the meal and you’re coming back, leave it folded in your seat. If you’re not coming back, place it beside your plate (not ON the plate). Use your napkin to wipe food residue from your lips (including that Movember work of art) and or your fingertips. If you must cough or sneeze at the table, use it to cover your mouth. But for the love of Mike, do NOT blow your nose into your napkin. In fact, don’t blow your nose at the table. Excuse yourself from the table and go to the bathroom or another room to blow your nose.

Head, shoulders, knees, and toes

Keep all your body parts in their proper places. Sit up straight with your weight on your sit bones and your shoulders back and down. This way you’ll avoid looking like a blob or like you forgot to take the hanger out of your shirt before you put it on.

While the meal is underway, do not rest your elbows on the table — not even one elbow. Between courses, it’s permissible to let one or both hands rest on the table, and even an elbow during after-dinner conversation.

Traffic flow

If your family is like mine, the commencement of the big meal may occur later than you’re used to. In your hunger, the temptation will be to load your plate and devil take the hindmost. If you do this, dish after dish will accumulate at your place, while family members downstream from you will remain unfed. They will fume. This is not good. (Don’t ask me how I know this.) Make it a point to take or not take some of what comes to you, but be sure to pass it to the next person at the table.

Butter your plate, then your bread

If you’re suspending your low-carb eating plan for the meal or the day, here’s how to keep the butter pristine: Slice off what you need and place the pat of butter on your bread plate (at 10 o’clock above your forks) or on the edge of your dinner plate. From there, use your dinner knife to apply the butter to your bread. Break your bread — don’t take a bite out of it. Break off a bite at a time.

Conversation: Keep it Light

You may be a passionate supporter of The Donald. Or of Bernie. Or you may be a member of an anarcho-syndicalist commune. Whatever, dude. When you’re all together around the table, stick to topics that emphasize what you all share. You may be able to persuade Uncle Don to change his political inclination, but I doubt it. He’s a stubborn old guy. But even if he weren’t, the table is no place for an exorcism.

A few extra tips

Do:
Chew with your mouth closed
Express appreciation
Say,  “Please pass the _____,” rather than just reaching for it
Include everyone in the conversation — even the little ones

Don’t:
Talk with your mouth full
Take the last roll without asking
Use profanity or talk about sexual or excretory subjects at the table

Bonus tip: Offer to help clean up after dinner. You might even get nominated for sainthood.

So how about you? What essential should I have included? Add your comment below.

In a recent post, I explained why I’m skeptical of cryptocurrencies — even though I am optimistic about the potential for blockchain technology and its offshoots to create genuine value. This time, I’d like to provide a brief overview of the Bible’s teaching about money.

My pastor likes to explain that Jesus spoke more about money than he did about Heaven and Hell combined. If God came down in the flesh and told you how to regard money properly, you’d listen, right? Well He did. So in the spirit of news you can use, here are ten scriptural principles to help you view money the way God does:

• Money follows faithfulness – In the gospel of Matthew, Jesus wraps up the Sermon on the Mount by reminding his followers that God is a good Father who knows how to take care of His creation. He instructs us not to live and die by what we own, what we eat, or what we wear, instead He tells us to seek God’s kingdom and righteousness. Then, He says, all the things we need will follow (Matthew 6:33).
• Put God first – The Old Testament prophet Malachi chastised the people of God for keeping the finest of their produce for themselves while bringing God their leftovers. The principle and practice of the tithe — giving the first tenth of one’s increase to God — has always been an acid test of one’s faith and devotion. Malachi delivered God’s challenge to his people to test Him by bringing the full tenth and see whether He would, in return, bless them beyond their faithfulness. This challenge remains for us as well. Jesus commended the tithe in the New Testament, even as He corrected the Pharisees for their hard hearts.
• God is God — money is… not – Jesus taught that only God was worthy of our worship. Although we can use money in powerful ways, it has no power of its own. People can and do get confused about this, though. Jesus taught that a man can’t serve two masters, because He’ll end up loving one and hating the other. If money is the rival master, the one who loves it can end up hating God (Luke 16:13).
• It’s not wrong to be smart about money – Jesus told the parable of shrewd manager — a story about a soon-to-be-fired employee who offered to settle his friends’ debts at a discount. In doing this, he delivered a benefit to his soon-to-be-former boss, but he also earned the favor of his friends, and the admiration of Jesus. Look what Jesus said about this man’s  actions:
  The master commended the dishonest manager because he had acted shrewdly. For the people of this world are more shrewd in dealing with their own kind than are the people of the light. I tell you, use worldly wealth to gain friends for yourselves, so that when it is gone, you will be welcomed into eternal dwellings.” Luke 16:8-9 (NIV)
  
• Money is morally neutral – Money is neither good nor bad in itself. It’s simply a tool — an efficient means of exchange that one can use to accomplish good or evil ends. Ah, but what about that “money is the root of all evil” thing? Isn’t that in the Bible? No, it isn’t. What the Apostle Paul wrote is this: “For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.” – 1 Timothy 6:10 (NIV)
• Invest in the Kingdom of God – When he teaches on stewardship and giving, my pastor likes to quote the old saying, “You can’t take it with you.” But he adds, “You can send it ahead.” Jesus said we shouldn’t be as concerned about amassing a fortune here on earth. Instead He instructed us to “lay up treasures in Heaven.” He wouldn’t tell us to if were impossible.
  Here’s a thought on how that works: The Bible teaches that faith, hope, and love are the things that endure beyond the grave. Each of these has a relational element since each one must have an object. If so, it follows that we can use our worldly wealth to share faith, hope, and love with those who need them so desperately. In the passage from Luke above, Jesus essentially told His followers to use the resources of this world to take the maximum number of friends to Heaven with us.
• You’re meant to be generous, you know — I often quote King Solomon here. In Proverbs 16:19, the wise king says this: “Whoever is kind to the poor lends to the Lord, and he will reward them for what they have done.” Elsewhere, in chapter 3, he says, “Do not say to your neighbor, ‘Go, and come again, tomorrow I will give it’—when you have it with you.” And in 2 Corinthians 9, the Apostle Paul wrote, “The point is this: whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully. Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.” – 2 Corinthians 9:6-7 (ESV)
• Debt is OK only if you’re into being a slave — I realize some financial advisers will talk to you about what they call “good debt.” I’m here to tell you there is only debt and you should avoid it. Consider that Americans owe $830 Billion in credit card debt, and nearly $1.5 Trillion in student loan debt, and then consider that nobody can force you to take out a loan. But once you agree to their terms, your creditors can force you to pay — and at rates that can cripple you. When someone else is telling you what you must do with your own money, you aren’t free. Quoting King Solomon again: “The rich rule over the poor, and the borrower is slave to the lender.” Proverbs 22:7 (NIV). I’ve been there and done that, and I plan to live within my means from now on. If you’re among the millions who owe billions and trillions, check out Dave Ramsey. He’s helped lots of people change their habits and become debt-free.
  
• Prosperity and poverty aren’t measures of your status before God – Righteous people fall on hard times. Wicked people sometimes prosper. You’ll drive yourself mad trying to ferret out what you must have done wrong every time the stock market goes down. That’s a little like saying God is displeased when the tide goes out or the moon wanes. Jesus said, “For (God) makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.” – Matthew 5:45b (ESV) And we haven’t discussed the Old Testament stories of Joseph and Job, or all the hardships the Apostle Paul endured for the sake of the Gospel of Jesus. Try imprisoned, beaten, stoned, shipwrecked, slandered, and snake-bit as a sample — and then tell me he lacked faith or faithfulness to unleash God’s fountain of prosperity.
• It all belongs to God – God, as creator of the cosmos, is its sovereign ruler. As Dutch theologian and statesman Abraham Kuyper said, “There is not a square inch in the whole domain of our human existence over which Christ, who is Sovereign over all, does not cry, Mine!” That includes your wallet, dude — and mine. If I have money, assets, talents, or connections, I am to hold them as a steward, and use them profitably to honor and glorify God.

I like what the Methodists used to teach about money: earn all you can, save all you can, give all you can. That’s your takeaway from my post. A last thought from Luke 16. Jesus says,

“Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much. ¹¹ So if you have not been trustworthy in handling worldly wealth, who will trust you with true riches? ¹² And if you have not been trustworthy with someone else’s property, who will give you property of your own?” Luke 16: 10-11 (NIV).

So how about you? In what ways do you need to adjust your thinking about money? How can you use the resources you have to expand God’s kingdom? Add your comments below.

“Whoever increases wealth by taking interest or profit from the poor amasses it for another, who will be kind to the poor.” – Proverbs 28:8 (NIV)

In a recent post, I explained why I’m skeptical of cryptocurrencies — even though I am optimistic about the potential for blockchain technology and its offshoots to create genuine value. This time, I’d like to provide a brief overview of the Bible’s teaching about money.

My pastor likes to explain that Jesus spoke more about money than he did about Heaven and Hell combined. If God came down in the flesh and told you how to regard money properly, you’d listen, right? Well He did. So in the spirit of news you can use, here are nine scriptural principles to help you view money the way God does:

Time for a higher perspective on money

• Money follows faithfulness – I the gospel of Matthew, Jesus wraps up the Sermon on the Mount by reminding his followers that God is a good Father who knows how to take care of His creation. He instructs us not to live and die by what we own, what we eat, or what we wear, instead He tells us to seek God’s kingdom and righteousness. Then, He says, all the things we need will follow (Matthew 6:33).
• Put God first – The Old Testament prophet Malachi chastised the people of God for keeping the finest of their produce for themselves while bringing God their leftovers. The principle and practice of the tithe — giving the first tenth of one’s increase to God — has always been an acid test of one’s faith and devotion. Malachi delivered God’s challenge to his people to test Him by bringing the full tenth and see whether He would, in return, bless them beyond their faithfulness. This challenge remains for us as well. Jesus commended the tithe in the New Testament, even as He corrected the Pharisees for their hard hearts.
• God is God — money is… not – Jesus taught that only God was worthy of our worship. Although we can use money in powerful ways, it has no power of its own. People can and do get confused about this, though. Jesus taught that a man can’t serve two masters, because He’ll end up loving one and hating the other. If money is the rival master, the one who loves it can end up hating God (Luke 16:13).
• It’s not wrong to be smart about money – Jesus told the parable of shrewd manager — a story about a soon-to-be-fired employee who offered to settle his friends’ debts at a discount. In doing this, he delivered a benefit to his soon-to-be-former boss, but he also earned the favor of his friends, and the admiration of Jesus. Look what Jesus said about this man’s  actions:
  The master commended the dishonest manager because he had acted shrewdly. For the people of this world are more shrewd in dealing with their own kind than are the people of the light. I tell you, use worldly wealth to gain friends for yourselves, so that when it is gone, you will be welcomed into eternal dwellings.” Luke 16:8-9 (NIV)
  
• Money is morally neutral – Money is neither good nor bad in itself. It’s simply a tool — an efficient means of exchange that one can use to accomplish good or evil ends. Ah, but what about that “money is the root of all evil” thing? Isn’t that in the Bible? No, it isn’t. What the Apostle Paul wrote is this: “For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.” – 1 Timothy 6:10 (NIV)
• Invest in the Kingdom of God – When he teaches on stewardship and giving, my pastor likes to quote the old saying, “You can’t take it with you.” But he adds, “You can send it ahead.” Jesus said we shouldn’t be as concerned about amassing a fortune here on earth. Instead He instructed us to “lay up treasures in Heaven.” He wouldn’t tell us to if were impossible.
  Here’s a thought on how that works: The Bible teaches that faith, hope, and love are the things that endure beyond the grave. Each of these has a relational element since each one must have an object. If so, it follows that we can use our worldly wealth to share faith, hope, and love with those who need them so desperately. In the passage from Luke above, Jesus essentially told His followers to use the resources of this world to take the maximum number of friends to Heaven with us.
• You’re meant to be generous, you know — I often quote King Solomon here. In Proverbs 16:19, the wise king says this: “Whoever is kind to the poor lends to the Lord, and he will reward them for what they have done.” Elsewhere, in chapter 3, he says, “Do not say to your neighbor, ‘Go, and come again, tomorrow I will give it’—when you have it with you.” And in 2 Corinthians 9, the Apostle Paul wrote, “The point is this: whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully. Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.” – 2 Corinthians 9:6-7 (ESV)
• Prosperity and poverty aren’t measures of your status before God – Righteous people fall on hard times. Wicked people sometimes prosper. You’ll drive yourself mad trying to ferret out what you must have done wrong every time the stock market goes down. That’s a little like saying God is displeased when the tide goes out or the moon wanes. Jesus said, “For (God) makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.” – Matthew 5:45b (ESV) And we haven’t discussed the Old Testament stories of Joseph and Job, or all the hardships the Apostle Paul endured for the sake of the Gospel of Jesus. Try imprisoned, beaten, stoned, shipwrecked, slandered, and snake-bit as a sample — and then tell me he lacked faith or faithfulness to unleash God’s fountain of prosperity.
• It all belongs to God – God, as creator of the cosmos, is its sovereign ruler. As Dutch theologian and statesman Abraham Kuyper said, “There is not a square inch in the whole domain of our human existence over which Christ, who is Sovereign over all, does not cry, Mine!” That includes your wallet, dude — and mine. If I have money, assets, talents, or connections, I am to hold them as a steward, and use them profitably to honor and glorify God.

I like what the Methodists used to teach about money: earn all you can, save all you can, give all you can. That’s your takeaway from my post. A last thought from Luke 16. Jesus says,

“Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much. ¹¹ So if you have not been trustworthy in handling worldly wealth, who will trust you with true riches? ¹² And if you have not been trustworthy with someone else’s property, who will give you property of your own?” Luke 16: 10-11 (NIV).

So how about you? In what ways do you need to adjust your thinking about money? How can you use the resources you have to expand God’s kingdom? Add your comments below.

“Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints.” – Psalm 116:15 (ESV)

As I have written, we lost my mother-in-law, Carolyn, in early October following a tragic accident on a Florida bridge. Because her husband, Jack, was still in critical condition, we decided to postpone Carolyn’s funeral until Jack had recovered sufficiently to be able to attend.

There is beauty all around us, even as we grieve. Give thanks!

We held the funeral on Saturday, November 11, at Jack and Carolyn’s parish in northern Florida, and it was beautiful —  joyous and solemn at the same time. As part of the service, my sister-in-law, Jane Hinson Wald, delivered the following remarks, and I asked her permission to share them with you here in their entirety. Enter Jane:

It’s difficult to convey in a few brief minutes our mother’s depth of character and personality. But that’s probably not even necessary, because no matter in what way each of us has known her, she was always and everywhere the very same Carolyn.

Mother loved the times when her family – any part of it or all of it – could get together even as we are here and now. These times were full of love and fun and, often, quite a bit of silliness. But these gatherings didn’t just happen. Oh, no. Carolyn planned, cooked, and choreographed so each occasion was the best it could be for every one of us. To get ready for these events, she made lists. The lists might begin days ahead or weeks or even months ahead. She went through all her preparations with energy and creativity, sometimes a little over-extended, but always with the ultimate goal front and center: the comfort and pleasure of those she loved.

Don’t think she didn’t make lists for today.

Last Sunday, on the Feast of All Saints, the readings included a list of eight promises, the beatitudes from the gospel of Matthew. I used to think of each one directed toward a different individual or group so that Jesus could offer assurance to followers who grappled with various flaws and exhibited various gifts. But in that moment, I heard only a list summarizing our mother’s life.

Blessed are the humble in spirit, those who mourn, the meek, those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, the merciful, the pure in heart, the peacemakers, those who suffer for righteousness’ sake.

Now that we’re making a list, there are a few more things to enumerate.

Carolyn was fun and spirited. Our mother had an innate sense of playfulness that knew no generation, and a sense of humor that indulged a healthy dose of irony. Perhaps this had something to do with being the only girl in a family with six brothers. Most endearing were her ability to laugh at herself and her pleasure in letting a story or situation run to its hilarious and improbable end. She told stories on herself – such as the time she was racing down the road, late for work, when another driver caught her attention to tell her that our family cat was hanging on for dear life to the roof of the car; or the time she searched hours and hours for the shoes that were on her feet.

Carolyn had a lively mind, vibrant curiosity, and ever-present eagerness to know more. She read constantly, especially biography, theology, current events and civic affairs. Jack has said that she knew the definition of every word they came across. It’s true. She had an enthusiasm for words, the power of words, and for “grammatical correctness.” All of this had a lot to do with her sense of humor.

Carolyn was patriotic. She cared deeply about her country and what it stood for. She had her own youthful rebellion against New Deal politics and was very clear about the importance of the Constitution and Bill of Rights and all that flowed from those founding documents. In fact, she hung framed copies of them in the family of her house where they remain to this day. My brother remembers that more than 50 years ago, Mother subscribed to the Congressional Record and there were stacks of them around the house. It’s hard to imagine, in this day of TV and internet news, wading through issues of the Congressional Record. More recently, her self-appointed duty was to carry her country’s flag down the driveway from the house in Starke to the flagpole near the road.

Carolyn was beautiful, inside and out. As a child, I used to think of our Mother as looking a bit like a movie star. Elizabeth Taylor came to mind, but that probably had more to do with the 1960s hairdo than their actual features. (And there was something about my Dad’s eyebrows that reminded me of Gregory Peck — but what kid doesn’t want to have movie stars as her parents?). Of course, it was her inner beauty that made her true outer beauty shine. Her warmth, gentleness, patience, and kindness made an immediate first impression, which only deepened on further acquaintance, which she generally turned into friendship.

Carolyn was loving and nurturing. In her more than six decades as a wife, mother, and grandmother, she created a loving and stimulating home and a beautiful and nourishing environment. Music and art and books were everywhere in her home. Her love of music and art was infectious and all of her descendants caught this bug. After years of attending concerts and performances, she eventually took up performance herself by joining church choir and civic chorus. Mother had an eye for color and design. She created a home – a house she kept for visits of children and grandchildren after moving to Starke with her beloved Jack — a home that was visually arresting. Wandering through her home, the eye falls on all kinds of photographs, prints, and objects that had some meaning and memory in them for her and for those she loved — a place she filled with little gifts for contemplation, resting spots for the soul.

Our mother was clever, industrious, and resourceful. She was an accomplished seamstress who decorated herself, her children, and her house with her own hands. Just weeks before her youngest child was born, she was out on the carport refinishing an armoire for her new baby’s things. She had an engineering kind of mind that allowed her to fashion conveniences out of bits and pieces of other things. Just last night, we were trying to figure out the purpose of her creations that involved a throw pillow, oddly placed loops of cording, and elastic bands. One of us predicted that we’d be discovering some of her contraptions, or “booby-traps” for some time to come.

As a mother, she always available, always listened, always helped, always created memorable moments for each individual in her life. Something as small making a birthday cake in the shape of a pumpkin (I was born the day after Halloween) to the big productions of weddings, reunions and holidays.

But lest you get the idea that she was too sweet, you need to know that Carolyn was also resilient and determined. She met numerous physical challenges head-on and willed herself into recovery with a determination to keep active and able. She made herself overcome doubts about things she didn’t like to do. For example, she didn’t like to fly, but when my daughter was born, our father called her a “miracle baby” because Mother got on a plane to come take care of her grandchild. Mother took her sense of adventure on the road, for many years driving by herself up and down the east coast and over to Tennessee to visit her children and grandchildren and family. And then she and Jack, who shared and expanded her sense of adventure, did that very thing together.

Carolyn was faithful. Her faith, her love for the Lord, was the bedrock of her being, the center of her own self. Our Mother was on a lifelong journey to grow closer to God. So much so that she learned Greek so she could read scriptures in original language, taught Bible classes, and mentored others on the same journey. She instilled this same dedication to seeking after truth in her children and, to her credit, it’s a characteristic of every one of her grandchildren.

Carolyn was and is ageless. The wisdom she earned through her years of life experience was offset by an outlook and inner sense of self that embraced a youthful inner sense of self. She admitted that she thought of herself as a twenty-something, with all the optimism and possibility that goes with a youthful spirit. Her self-awareness of her inner life corresponded to a sense and promise of eternal life. Especially in these last five years with her beloved husband Jack Lakes, it seemed that the things important to her deepened, and the things that were not easily fell away. She became a distillation of all those wonderful qualities we recognize in her, a more pure version of herself.

Blessed are the humble in spirit, those who mourn, the meek, those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, the merciful, the pure in heart, the peacemakers, those who suffer for righteousness’ sake.

Which of these doesn’t describe Carolyn Scobey Hinson Lakes? The list of blessings promised to her are that she has been comforted, inherited the earth, been filled with righteousness and obtained mercy. She’s been named a child of God and has gained the kingdom of heaven. Even now, she sees God face to face.”

Since we in the US are celebrating Thanksgiving this week, I’m sharing these thoughts with you with deep gratitude to God for the blessings of this life — especially for my wife and the family that made her who she is. Although we miss Carolyn and we will continue to, we are giving thanks in all things, and rejoicing that we will be together again.

So how about you? For what are you giving thanks in this season? Add your comments below.

“He who finds a wife finds a good thing
    and obtains favor from the Lord.” – Proverbs 18:22 (ESV)

Mrs. Booth and I celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary this week. I am profoundly thankful for the years we have had together, and I look forward to the years ahead. The institution of marriage has suffered multiple body blows over the past several decades — and the situation is so bad I hear some of you saying you never plan to marry. You may be called to lifelong singleness, but I doubt it. So whether or not you’re able to see yourself married in the future, here are some of the lessons I’ve learned over the past 30 years.

Established 1985

Marriage is hard work…

Dating and courtship are generally good things if one remembers that he is seeking a wife. As good as these methods may be, they provide incomplete data. Nothing prepares a couple for the reality of married life. It’s different when you’ve taken vows before God and witnesses to become one for the rest of your life. Critics scoff that it’s “just a piece of paper.” They are wrong. The weight of marriage strips away the prerogatives of consumerism — you can’t legitimately trade in a wife like a used car. And the work of marriage is to work beyond the infatuation of the early years into knowing and being known through every circumstance.

…But it’s worth it

I’d fail you if I lied and said every day was like a cotton-candy scented rainbow. But the challenges my wife and I have overcome together and the high points we’ve also shared have united us in ways I can’t adequately describe. Even when money is short or work is stressing me out, having an intimate ally is a great blessing. And if you have children, having a solid marriage provides them with significant advantages in terms of their spiritual, emotional and intellectual health. All this to say, you can choose this and work toward it, and it will pay off for generations.

Marriage teaches you

Futurist George Gilder said marriage’s function was to civilize men. I don’t agree completely. I have learned over the years that marriage is, as my pastor says, the graduate school of service. If a man is to love his wife as Christ loves the church, there is a great pot of selfishness that has to die. Interestingly, that selfishness can’t die until it gets exposed. That happens in episodes over time.

If you had asked me on my wedding day if I thought I was selfish, I would have said no. I know better now, but I am still learning.

You will be tested

The old-school wedding vows exist for a reason. Our ancestors understood that our mortal condition was going to need some help. This is because hard times will come — maybe more than once. While you’re young and attraction is strong, it’s useful to have a reminder that you promised to hold on through tough times.

In our case, the first trial showed up just before our first anniversary in the form of a serious health diagnosis. It was not my finest hour as a husband. We worked through it largely because we are the sort not to enter into vows lightly. Thanks be to God!

And you will be tested

In a couple of previous posts, I have written about the husband’s role as spiritual head — as the leader — of his family. Going all the way back to the fall of man in the Garden of Eden, we see that one consequence of our fallen condition is that wives will tend toward dominating their husbands. Men who go along with this tendency rather than lovingly leading their wives can expect to see a loss in respect and attraction on the part of their wives. Understand that the tests a wife throws your way are her way of making sure she has chosen — and still has — the best of men. Leading helps her remember.

There is no magic number

A former colleague brought me to this realization when he explained that he and his wife got divorced after 20 years. “How?” I wondered,”Why?” I couldn’t understand how after all that time they could decide they could no longer stand being married to each other. He said they simply grew apart.

I still find that answer unsatisfying, but it galvanized my view that there is no point in your marriage when you can begin to coast or take your wife for granted. As the man, strive always to be your best. This means getting and staying fit, dressing well for your body type, and maintaining your intellectual and spiritual health as well. Continue to grow and you’ll remain interesting. This will help to maintain her attraction to you. And this will motivate her toward all kinds of good things.

It also means you Have a Plan and a mission, and that you invite your wife to join you in your quest. A quiet evening at home can be great for your marriage. Don’t just come home and flop on the couch by default. Have adventures together. Continue to initiate and to pursue her — in and out of the bedroom.

People say passion fades. I disagree.

Your mileage may vary

I have been married to one — and only one — woman, so understand that what my wife likes may or may not be the same as what your wife likes. Getting to know his own wife is a man’s greatest joy. It takes time, but that’s a good thing because you stay married a day at a time — and you’re aiming for a lifetime.

Likewise, measure what I or any man offers in the way of marriage advice against God’s word and use your God-given sense. I am aware that there are pitfalls in and around marriage — and I have been far from perfect as a husband. Still, I cannot imagine my life any other way, and I thank God again for blessing me with such a wife.

It’s worth it

So how about you? How do you plan to build a strong and durable marriage? What lessons have you learned? Add your comments below.

P.S. In honor of 31 years, I want to add a few extra thoughts here:

1. You stay married a day at a time — that’s how you make the years count.
2. You’ll never know how good it can be if you don’t stick it out through the tough times.
3. Make your marriage the most important relationship in the house. Kids are supposed to grow up and leave. If you haven’t made your marriage central, your kids will move out and your household will lose its reason for being. This is not good.
4. Becoming grandparents opens up whole new reservoirs of delight.
   

   Update: It’s still worth it!

“I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought; and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder.”- G.K. Chesterton

I absolutely love the point he is making here — namely, everything is amazing and nobody is happy. We’re surrounded by marvels, and we look at them through a telescope backwards – making them seem more remote. It shouldn’t be that way.

Count your blessings

A frank assessment

Have you suffered a blow to the head?

Here’s my list

• Health – I thank God for the health I have. About ten years ago I injured my back body surfing. Since then I’ve avoided surgery while getting stronger and more flexible. There are certain sports I have to avoid from now on, but I am thankful for all I can do.
• Family – I thank God for the family I have. For the values and resilience I learned, for the love I’ve received, and for the challenges I’ve overcome, I give thanks.
• Work – I thank God for the education, skills and experience I’ve acquired through the course of my life — and for the opportunity to use them to provide for my family — I give thanks.
• Leisure – I thank God for the instruments and the talent He has entrusted to me, and for the time He has given me to devote to making music.
• A Platform – I thank God for the ability and the will He has given me to communicate these thoughts to you, and I give Him thanks for those of you who take the time to read and to respond.
• Church – I thank God for the joy of being part of a healthy, well-balanced church, and for the opportunity to participate in its leadership. I thank Him for the freedom to proclaim and to serve and to make a difference in our community and in other countries.
• Technology – I thank God for the ingenuity that has improved and extended our lives. Fairly often, I read about a new invention or learn about a new medical treatment and I think, “What a time to be alive!” From iPhones to cures for certain types of cancer, there is no better time than now for human flourishing.
• The Future – I thank God that in my worst circumstances, He gets the last word. No matter how dire the diagnosis, how uncertain the market, or how hostile the ruling regime, I can trust my Heavenly Father to work every circumstance out for my good and His glory.

Even when it’s hard

One more thought

So how about you? In the midst of your challenges and frustrations, what are the aspects of your life for which you can thank God? Add your comments below.

Happy Thanksgiving! 

Today is Good Friday, the day Christians commemorate Jesus’ atoning sacrifice on behalf of sinful humanity. As he hung on the cross, Jesus cried out, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” These words are the first verse of Psalm 22 — a psalm written by King David of Israel over 500 years before Jesus walked the earth. In the Hebrew tradition, to cite part of a psalm was to call attention to all of it. I offer Psalm 22 for your consideration as you contemplate the lengths God was willing to go to for you and me.

“Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” Illustration by Gustave Dore, published in “The Bible and Its Story…”” published by Niglutsch in the early 1900’s

Psalm 22 — A psalm of David.

³ Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One;
    you are the one Israel praises.
⁴ In you our ancestors put their trust;
    they trusted and you delivered them.
⁵ To you they cried out and were saved;
    in you they trusted and were not put to shame.

⁶ But I am a worm and not a man,
    scorned by everyone, despised by the people.
⁷ All who see me mock me;
    they hurl insults, shaking their heads.
⁸ “He trusts in the Lord,” they say,
    “let the Lord rescue him.
Let him deliver him,
    since he delights in him.”

⁹ Yet you brought me out of the womb;
    you made me trust in you, even at my mother’s breast.
¹⁰ From birth I was cast on you;
    from my mother’s womb you have been my God.

¹¹ Do not be far from me,
    for trouble is near
    and there is no one to help.

¹² Many bulls surround me;
    strong bulls of Bashan encircle me.
¹³ Roaring lions that tear their prey
    open their mouths wide against me.
¹⁴ I am poured out like water,
    and all my bones are out of joint.
My heart has turned to wax;
    it has melted within me.
¹⁵ My mouth is dried up like a potsherd,
    and my tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth;
    you lay me in the dust of death.

¹⁶ Dogs surround me,
    a pack of villains encircles me;
    they pierce my hands and my feet.
¹⁷ All my bones are on display;
    people stare and gloat over me.
¹⁸ They divide my clothes among them
    and cast lots for my garment.

¹⁹ But you, Lord, do not be far from me.
    You are my strength; come quickly to help me.
²⁰ Deliver me from the sword,
    my precious life from the power of the dogs.
²¹ Rescue me from the mouth of the lions;
    save me from the horns of the wild oxen.

²² I will declare your name to my people;
    in the assembly I will praise you.
²³ You who fear the Lord, praise him!
    All you descendants of Jacob, honor him!
    Revere him, all you descendants of Israel!
²⁴ For he has not despised or scorned
    the suffering of the afflicted one;
he has not hidden his face from him
    but has listened to his cry for help.

²⁵ From you comes the theme of my praise in the great assembly;
    before those who fear you I will fulfill my vows.
²⁶ The poor will eat and be satisfied;
    those who seek the Lord will praise him—
    may your hearts live forever!

²⁷ All the ends of the earth
    will remember and turn to the Lord,
and all the families of the nations
    will bow down before him,
²⁸ for dominion belongs to the Lord
    and he rules over the nations.

“In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:
Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death— even death on a cross!” – Philippians 2:5-8 (NIV)

“For if anyone thinks he is something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself.” – Galatians 6:3

Those of you who don’t believe in God, or who don’t share my faith may find this post a little hard to relate to, but I hope you’ll read it anyway. If I’m honest with myself and with you, I’m tired. The burden of striving is unbearable, and the strain of clawing and grasping has brought me to the unhappy realization that I’ve been living like a practical agnostic.

Oxidation, like rust, is just a slower form of burning

At least I said practical

If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you know I advocate living close to one’s own heart — that is, being attuned to what’s going on in your spirit as much as to what’s going on around you. Circumstances can refine us, but they don’t define us, for only God is capable of telling us our true name. I believe this — down to the bone — but in spite of myself I have found myself paying more attention to headlines, aches and pains, and my bank balance instead of paying attention to what God is saying in the midst of these things.

God doesn’t care

Before you swallow your gum, let me assure you that God cares a great deal. He loves you and me beyond our capacity to comprehend it. But God does not care whether I’m rich, famous, or popular. He does not care whether I am powerful or particularly comfortable. In His great love, He is interested in my belonging to Him, and in response to that love, my faithfulness through every circumstance.

This is what it means to imitate Christ: He was God, but lowered himself to serve. My mission is to adopt his mindset and place myself second, allowing Him to reign on the throne of my life. I’m sorry to say my thoughts, words, and actions lately have more closely resembled a palace coup than that faithfulness Jesus demonstrated to the Father’s will.

Soil and seeds

If you’ve tried gardening, you know that the crop you get (or don’t) depends on the quality of soil in which you plant your seeds. Jesus explained this to his followers in a parable about a farmer who scattered seeds that fell variously on a hard-packed path, on shallow and rocky soil, into thorny weeds, and on good soil. Predictably, only the seed that fell on good soil grew to fruitful maturity and delivered the return on its potential. In case you didn’t click through, Jesus explained that the seed in the story was God’s word, and the four soil types described human hearts in four different conditions.

I’ve always found it interesting that Jesus didn’t command that we amend our own soil. For most of us, I’d argue that’s too tall of a task. But God will soften our hearts, deepen our capacity for Him, and remove the thorny distractions if we put ourselves in His care. I’m telling you this in case you need to do as I am doing.

Holy week and a realization

So here in this week leading up to Easter, I have come to the realization that I have let my preoccupation with busyness, money, and ambition choke the connection between my inner and outer life. Instead of thanking God for the dozens — hundreds — of blessings I get to enjoy, I have fretted, fumed and let my mind entertain some rather dark thoughts.

No, I’m not in danger of going pagan, I have no hope anywhere else but in Jesus Christ. But I noticed that I was feeling restless, agitated, and boy, could I get angry in a hurry.

I also noticed that I was shorting my prayers and the time I normally devote to studying scripture. Correlation is not causation, but there is a noticeable change in my disposition when I am communicating constantly with God compared to when I am not. Selfishness and irritability are the principal symptoms of my spiritual colic. Not a good look for any man.

But wait! There’s more

I thought I had totally recovered from my addiction to politics — not so. I regret all the time and attention I devoted to thinking and stewing over the upcoming election. I do care, but I am choosing to trust my fellow citizens to do the right thing — and if they don’t, I trust God to take care of my family and me. There’s already a God of the universe — and it isn’t yours truly (much to my relief). If you want to talk politics with me, I’ll be kind and indulge you, but I’m more interested again in the unshakable and everlasting Kingdom of God.

Thanks be to God, I am confessing to Him and to you that I renounce the unwholesome attachments that disrupt the connection between my Heavenly Father and me, and I trust Him to pardon and deliver me from my many sins through the worthy sacrifice of Jesus, the Messiah, our Passover — and through His resurrection, which we are preparing to celebrate on Easter Sunday. The Lord is risen! Hallelujah!

So how about you? What is keeping you from reaching your potential? What do you need to retire to become fruitful? Add your comments below.

“The waiting is the hardest part…” – Tom Petty

It doesn’t matter whether you call it being a late bloomer, a slow starter, or failure to launch. Plenty of guys these days are finding it difficult to establish themselves in life. Formal education is expensive, and the return on investment is questionable. Full-time employment is scarce (see previous point), institutions are in disrepute, and relationships are fraught. Oh, the weather outside is frightful… But if this is your situation, I want to encourage you not to despair.

In the dead of winter, it can be hard to imagine spring.

The examples of our forebears

A more recent example

This weekend, I had the privilege to hear Jack Reed speak. Jack is the founder and leader of MountainChild Ministries and he told the story of how he and a group of friends went to Nepal to have an adventure. As they were trekking in the mountains, they met a group of children accompanied by a couple of men. Jack said that something seemed off, and when he and his friends asked what the men were doing, they explained — quite openly — they were taking the children into India to sell them into prostitution.

Jack said he returned from his vacation and tried to forget what he had seen and heard, but he couldn’t three days after he got back, he resigned from his job and returned to Nepal to combat the spiritual and economic poverty that led to the exploitation of these children.

Elsewhere, I’ve encouraged you to discover your life’s purpose. I’ll stand by that advice, but I will make one slight change. Sometimes, your purpose is seeking you. Jack Reed is one more example.

Make it practical, please

Cultivate God-sized dreams

For still the vision awaits its appointed time;
    it hastens to the end—it will not lie.
If it seems slow, wait for it;
    it will surely come; it will not delay.” Habakkuk 2:3 (ESV)

So how about you? What are you waiting for? Add your comments below.