By now you’ve certainly heard or read that Procter & Gamble’s Gillette brand group has launched an ad (or perhaps a campaign) urging men to “Shave their toxic masculinity.” If you believe all publicity is good publicity, this would look like a victory for Gillette. However, if your purpose is to attract more loyal customers, it’s hard to see how this ad will make that happen.

Half a cheer for taking a stand

Let’s give Gillette credit for purchasing expensive air time to promote their corporate point of view. And let’s concede that the abuses of masculine strength they call out are genuinely wrong. I’ve taught my own sons and published this blog to reinforce the purpose and appropriate use of masculine strength.

Where the blade slips

Here’s the problem: Gillette blames all men for the misuse of masculine strength. Cultural Marxist feminism has sought to destroy men by diminishing and vilifying them simply for being men. This is the same cohort that attempted to define the marriage bed — that transcendent one-flesh union that is a glorious gift of God — as rape. That’s right: they call sexual relations between a husband and his wife rape.

Whether they mean to or not Gillette tars all men with the broad brush of “toxic masculinity” — a term of art used to smear any masculine expression that doesn’t conform to current-year pieties. It’s purposely vague and obviously intended to exert control over men and their behavior, particularly men who are more traditionally masculine.

In my view, this is not just bad business, but Procter & Gamble have allowed a political -ism to hijack its brand and in doing so, alienate its loyal customers.

Piling on

Coincidentally, the American Psychiatric Association issued a report just a few days before the Gillette ad saying that traditional masculinity was harmful. And there it is! To be a man is to be bad. We have a lot to look forward to as the implications of this study take root.

Bleeding out

I’ve read several articles on the Gillette ad, and I have particularly enjoyed reading the comment sections following each. While I didn’t find any commenters acting as champions for sexual harassment, bullying, or sexual violence, I did see men and women rejecting the slander and declaring their intention not to buy Procter & Gamble products going forward. It’s a free country, and free men and women get to spend their own money where they will.

Several of the commenters made the point that if you want men to take the lead, don’t berate them in front of the ones who are supposed to follow them. This is correct.

That’s why we want to encourage and affirm at this blog, rather than shame or scold. The other thing I’ve learned is, where men are concerned if you’re talking to everybody, you’re not talking to anybody.

More freedom

Since I practice my freedom of speech here, I support and endorse Procter & Gamble’s right to waste their shareholders’ money on preachy and ineffective ads. I also support and endorse those consumers who choose to take their business elsewhere. Live and let live.

My family and I don’t want to reward a business that seeks to enhance its reputation by slandering men, so we will be shopping more carefully.

About that crisis

Before I close this post, I want to say that there is a crisis in masculinity. But that crisis is spiritual in nature — and it isn’t going to resolve by buying one brand of razor blade or another. And that’s the worst of Gillette’s blunder: call out a social problem with a spiritual root, and present your product as the magic solution. Or worse, position yourself as judge and scold. “Forgive us, O Gillette, for we have sinned — every one!”

But spiritual problems don’t get better simply by trying harder. My friends in recovery understand this better than most. This is why 12-step programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous encourage participants to acknowledge their powerlessness to overcome addiction on their own, and to engage the help of a “higher power.” Around here, we know His name. And as we grow in our love for Him, He transforms us. Then obedience, reformation, and restoration take the place of the unhealthy compulsions that so often result in the abuse of masculine strength with all those unhappy consequences.

So, I’m keeping my beard, changing my razor, and seeking to walk closer with Jesus. I won’t look different, but over time, I want to be more like Him.

So how about you? What’s your take on the Gillette ad and the APA statement? Add your comments below.

PS Not so long ago, Gillette ran an inspirational ad depicting Seattle Seahawks rookie player Shaquem Griffin from his childhood to the NFL. The scene with his father teaching him and his brother to shave was on-brand and affirming. This shows how truly wretched the new anti-masculinity ad is. Maybe Gillette figures that the greater surface area of women’s legs will offset the loss of blade sales for men’s faces.

“The increasing complexity and precariousness of our economic life have forced Government to take over many spheres of activity once left to choice or chance. Our intellectuals have surrendered first to the slave-philosophy of Hegel, then to Marx, finally to the linguistic analysts.”
– C. S. Lewis from “Willing Slaves of the Welfare State”

Last fall, David Horowitz’s FrontPage Mag published an article by Mallory Millett titled “Marxist Feminism’s Ruined Lives.”   The article described what Millett saw as a young divorcée in the 1960’s at the birth of the modern (second-wave) feminist movement, and the toll it took on her and others.   Millett’s older sister Kate Millett was one of the key figures in the movement — Kate Millett and her book Sexual Politics deserve full credit for helping spawn women’s studies programs in nearly every American university.

It’s a trap!

The unholy litany

In her article, Mallory Millett describes a meeting she attended with her sister — a Marxist consciousness-raising event that included a call-and-response chant between the leader and those in attendance.  According to (Mallory) Millett, it went like this:

“‘Why are we here today?” she asked.
“To make revolution,” they answered.
“What kind of revolution?” she replied.
“The Cultural Revolution,” they chanted.
“And how do we make Cultural Revolution?” she demanded.
“By destroying the American family!” they answered.
“How do we destroy the family?” she came back.
“By destroying the American Patriarch,” they cried exuberantly.
“And how do we destroy the American Patriarch?” she replied.
“By taking away his power!”
“How do we do that?”
“By destroying monogamy!” they shouted.
“How can we destroy monogamy?”

Their answer left me dumbstruck, breathless, disbelieving my ears.  Was I on planet earth?  Who were these people?

“By promoting promiscuity, eroticism, prostitution and homosexuality!” they resounded.

Surprise! You’re a target

Did you understand that if you are or intend to be a husband and a father — a patriarch — that you are also a target?  According to the Marxist feminists, it would only be possible to supplant the culture of the United States by destroying the family as its central institution, and it would only be possible to destroy the family by destroying its spiritual head.  That would be you and me.

Why are we talking about this?

I recognize that this is a bit off the normal track for this blog, but we have discussed the ongoing crisis in masculinity, and the need for us to become men who live out of our masculine strength.  Now perhaps you see what is at stake.  We always want to offer practical encouragement here, and this post is no different.  If I sent you on an errand, and I knew there was danger along the route, I would tell you — consider this a friendly warning.

In the same way you wouldn’t enter a lacrosse game without your helmet, pads, gloves and stick (and, of course,  your cup), you must go into today’s classrooms, workplaces  and entertainments aware of the plan to destroy men.  So consider the aim is to take you out, to neutralize your masculine strength, to render you powerless, impotent, emasculated and ineffective.  Worst of all, the plan is not to overpower you, but to entice you into surrendering.

What time is it?

Men, it’s late.  If you are in doubt about the effectiveness of this strategy, consider your own opinions and attitudes concerning promiscuity, eroticism, prostitution and homosexuality — and how they may have changed in the past ten years.  Now consider the opinions and attitudes of your friends, classmates and colleagues.  Next consider the messages concerning these four forces that you’ve encountered in classrooms, news articles and reports, in movies and television programs and in social media.

As you see, America has undergone a cataclysmic change in its mores since the consciousness-raising event attended by Mallory Millett.

Is it hopeless? 

• Don’t take the bait — These weapons only work on you if you let them.  Sexual sin is tempting, but recognize what’s behind it and take the long view.
• Clean up your diet — Don’t feed your mind with stories and images that undermine your masculine strength, or that promote your destruction.
• Audit the institutions you’re part of — Use your freedom of association to find, found or fund organizations that promote and value authentic masculinity.  (This is why I’m on this corner of the internet, by the way.)   If you need to change churches, employers, schools, vote with your feet.  When you realize you’ve stepped onto the conveyor belt at the slaughterhouse, you have every right to step off of it.
• Enlist allies — find brothers who are committed to the same values.  Not all women are on board with the destruction of the family.  Find them.  As I pointed out previously, the popularity of Fifty Shades of Grey — although promoting promiscuity and eroticism — repudiates Marxist feminism’s anti-masculine aims, since the audience seems keenly interested in a dominant man.
• Build your body and your mind — You are on your way to becoming the best possible version of yourself, aren’t you?  You need strength to withstand the allure of temptation in every form.
• Challenge the assumptions — As you encounter these anti-male ideas, be prepared to question their origins and their legitimacy.  Don’t be afraid to point out the consequences of four-plus decades of Marxist feminism and ask if we’re better off in any way.
• Reform your manners — English abolitionist, William Wilberforce, worked until the day he died for the abolition of slavery and for “the reformation of manners.”  As men, we should take up this cause and make it our own.   If you’re married, start by leading your family, even if it’s difficult.  Let’s reform our own character after that of Jesus, and work to liberate men and women in the clutches of these destructive forces.  Just by living fearlessly and unabashedly as a man, you’ll cause others to find their courage.  We can do this with God’s help.

So how about you?  In what ways have you gone along with the plan for your own destruction?  How do you intend to regain your strength?  Add your comments below.

“Marriage is the graduate school of service.” – Pastor David Chadwick

I’ve made no secret of my belief in marriage. Mrs. Booth and I have been married for nearly 32 years, with the struggles and joys that come with being married that long. It has been and is a great thing and I love being married to my wife.

And I admit that the climate for marriage in the west is hostile in many ways. From taxes that penalize marriage economically, to family courts that incentivize women to file for divorce from their husbands, to cultural Marxist feminism that seeks to destroy “the patriarchy” by destroying men, there is plenty of evidence to support a man’s decision not to marry. But let’s revisit one of my favorite axioms:

Abuse doesn’t invalidate use.

Marriage is to be kept pure…

The occasions when men commit murder with hammers doesn’t justify banning hammers or outlawing carpentry. The widespread misuse of the institution of marriage — from cohabitation and out-of-wedlock births, through frivolous no-fault divorce — doesn’t mean that marriage has forfeited its divine purpose.

Back to the beginning

If we look to the creation narrative in the second chapter of the Old Testament book of Genesis, we see that God had created the universe, placing man, whom he had made in his own image, at the top of the created order. God pronounced it good. But when he saw that he had made suitable mates for all the other creatures except man, God said, “it is not good that man should be alone.”

After evaluating every other type of creature and not finding a mate, a companion, a wife for the man, Adam, God did something remarkable. He put Adam to sleep and took flesh and bone from his side, making from them a woman, whom Adam called Eve. Note that up to this point, Adam was the bearer of the full imago dei — the image of God. In this, Adam reflected masculinity and femininity as God does. But when God created Eve to be Adam’s helper, his (in Hebrew) ezer kenegdo — literally his “life saver” — God split into two parts the imago dei, investing maleness and masculine strength in the man and investing femaleness and feminine beauty and tenderness in the woman. This is important, because Genesis 2:24-25 says this:

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

This one-flesh union, this intimate knowing, free of guilt and shame is the heart of marriage.

Breaking it down

Note the lack of self-consciousness and self-regard in this first marriage. Their nakedness and vulnerability was not something to exploit for advantage, rather it was open and generous. It cannot have been otherwise, as the one-flesh union would not have existed if Adam had not given himself to Eve, and Eve had not given herself to her husband.

Now it’s broken down

Have you noticed in our culture’s stories how marital sex is nearly always portrayed as a chore to be avoided, while affairs and other forms of sexual behavior appear exciting?  If I say the word monogamy, do you regard the concept as a positive or a negative one? Why? If you’re married, did your friends try to talk you out of it, citing the endless novelty of hookups compared to loving one woman for life? Part of this inversion is the distortion of our world through sin. So a loyal wife seems boring to her husband, compared to the women at his office, and an aloof cad is seemingly irresistible compared to a wife’s dependable husband.  This is why King Solomon wrote in Proverbs 9:16, “Stolen water is sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant.” But note this: Just because a forbidden thing is appealing doesn’t mean you shouldn’t avoid it. (See also poison mushrooms.)

Reacquiring the trail

If you dread the idea of marriage, in the present or the future, I want to encourage you to re-establish a biblical view of marriage. First, note that biblical marriage is a covenant rather than a contract. This is not a legal instrument between two consenting parties that can be broken at will. Among God’s people, a covenant is a binding, irrevocable joining between God and his people. There are obligations, but failure to perform doesn’t justify an exit.

It is true that you have the duty of spiritual headship, and the responsibility to shepherd, protect, and provide for your wife and children, and those obligations demand lifelong faithfulness. It is also true that you can expect to enjoy the marriage bed — sex — with your wife and the two of you have a responsibility to maintain this aspect of your marriage — especially when kiddos enter the picture. Check out Proverbs 5:15-19 for just one biblical encouragement in this area.

The ratio

Before Mrs. Booth and I married, an older friend took me aside and said, “I know you think marriage is a 50/50 proposition. It isn’t. It’s 100/100. It takes both of you giving it 100% for it to work.” I have learned that friend was 100% correct. And this brings us to service.

A generous spirit requires bravery

An unpleasant aspect of our times is the wariness that leads to near-constant score-keeping. We are willing to give, as long as we get, but heaven help the one who takes and never gives. Does that sound familiar? In marriage, we have to overcome the fear and serve each other generously. Even if you’re afraid you won’t get anything out of it, serve.

In Paul’s letter to the church at Ephesus, the apostle instructed wives to submit to their husbands, but he instructed husbands to love their wives the way Christ loved the church. In case you’re unfamiliar with the story, he died for her. Obviously, marriage is one of those things where you must be present to win, so what does this sacrificial service look like in the realm of mortals?

Here’s an example

In the fewest words, it means put others first. If you do this, God notices. And He is able to reward you. But I promised you an example.

If you haven’t seen the video for Andra Day’s song Rise Up, it’s a great portrayal of loving service in the context of marriage. Please watch this now. I’ll wait

This video, directed by M. Night Shyamalan, conveys so much truth, and Andra Day’s vocal performance drives it home. Note the wife pouring out her life for the husband who can no longer hold her. Though her reward would seem slight compared to what she — and he — expected when they first married, this is a shining example of loving and giving 100%.

And notice, also, how the husband doesn’t quit, either. He gives the strength he has, and she appreciates it. Good art with a true message!

Not just true in stories

You may argue that Shyamalan could tell the story any way he wants, and that the video is a made-up story. Fair enough, but I have a pastor friend whose wife has Multiple Sclerosis and he serves his wife in the same manner. He cares for her and loves her like Christ loves the church — the way he promised to when they wed. And he’s not the only man I know who has cared for his wife this way. I have written before about old-school wedding vows, and this is where they prove their worth.

I know there is great risk in getting married these days. The statistics, as we’ve noted, are grim. But it is also possible to find godly, virtuous women who want to be married to godly and masculine spiritual leaders. So for God’s sake (literally), lead, love, and serve. Your children need the stability that only a covenant marriage can provide them.

God would not have commanded this of husbands if men weren’t capable of doing it. If you aren’t that sort of man yet, stick around and learn how to be one. Or message me and let’s start a discussion.

It is not good for the man to be alone, but it also important to marry the kind of woman who will stick by you — and by whom you’ll stick — when the storms come. It can be done!

So how about you? How are you leading and serving in your marriage, or preparing to lead and serve in your marriage? Add your comments below.

 “Crazy is like glitter. It sticks to everything, gets everywhere, and you never get rid of it.”  – Anonymous (or perhaps I said it first)

In this post, I want to explore the relationship between Identity and Stimulation.

Insert Personality Here

Crazy

Gen X Angst

Haiku writing youth

I’m a pierced nonconformist

Just like all my friends

                  -George E. Booth

Two facets

 About glitter

What makes crazy so crazy?

But why do they do it?

I’m so glad you asked! Part of the reason I’ve emphasized identity followed by Truth is to make this next point clearer. People do crazy things because, having abandoned Truth, they do not know who they are or why they are here. This leads to a good deal of experimentation. Since I’m feeling generous, I’ll call it questing.

The quest is to overcome the boredom that a rootless, purposeless life will produce. Think about the worst stereotype of American middle-class consumerism. Glassy-eyed, stoop-shouldered, and paunchy, homo economicus americanus  gets up every morning to earn enough money to keep a roof over his head, so he can get up every morning…

This is where the synthetic stimulants enter. These range from television to fantasy sports, to video games, to gambling, to intoxicants, to gossip, to stirring up conflicts among people, to living vicariously through celebrities or even one’s own children. (And yes, porn would be included in this grouping, too.) Not all of these would appeal to every man, but a bored man will be attracted to one or more of them. The goal is to fill the emptiness with experiences, with feelings — even if they aren’t rooted in reality.

I want to be fair and add that leisure time is a blessing, and a measure of our comparative affluence. And Story is an important part of being human. So please understand that I am for wholesome pastimes, just not at the expense of Living and being truly alive.

Contrast fake stimulation with a life of purpose and consequence where every day is vitally important, and the fruit of one’s labor is enhanced by the satisfaction of the tasks completed and delight at the work ahead.

Initiation: getting your question answered

Love, Dad

• Don’t date or marry crazy – She won’t change. But for God, people don’t change.
• Don’t co-sign crazy – It’s bad financial practice, and you’re only enabling more jackassery.
• Don’t make your living from crazy – It’s immoral to sell people the tools of their enslavement
• Avoid other people’s drama – Recognize it for trap it is — especially the classic “Let’s You and Him Fight”
• Don’t try to fix other people’s crazy – Love everyone and live your life. Pray for the crazy ones you know, but unless you’re a trained counselor, leave that to the pros.
• Let God initiate you into manhood – If you didn’t get it from your dad, God wants to do this for you.
• Get some sane friends – encourage each other in your respective missions.

So how about you – In what ways are you giving crazy a wide berth? Add your comments below.

“The unexamined life is not worth living.” – Socrates

In my original post on this topic, I explained Robert Ardrey’s idea that our psychological and emotional needs center on Identity, Stimulation, and Security. In my previous post on Identity we discussed that identity emanates from essence, from existence. It is rooted primarily in the unchangeable attributes that accompany us into the world and throughout our lives. We also established that our deeds do not establish our identity so much as they reveal it. But even then, they do so imperfectly.

It isn’t “out there” — it’s in here.

But if I don’t discover my identity from what I do, why do anything?

As in exercise, your muscles won’t grow if you merely lie around thinking about working out. You have to get off the couch and hit the gym, the box, the bike, the dojo. You will never develop the strength and skill you desire without purposeful action.

Similarly, if you are an artist or an entrepreneur, you must commit to the mastery of your craft and you must paint, compose, perform, or launch — even while you are learning. Entrepreneurs commit to a cycle of “launch and iterate,” trying and refining, and always learning. You have heard me say before that “You’re either green and growing, or you’re ripe and rotting.” I stand by that. And I’m still learning and growing myself. If you’re reading this, I expect you’re interested in learning and growing, too.

Sometimes you have to get moving without a clear picture of who you are. But I submit to you that the ideal is to move out of a sense of your identity and calling, instead of doing as a way to discover who you are. The categories are not entirely black and white, but in my next post I’ll illustrate why action must emanate from identity.

Now let’s talk about some ways you can help strengthen your sense of identity.

What are your assets?

What traits do you possess that provide clues to your identity? What do you know of your ancestry — good and bad? What victories and wounds are in your past? What have you learned to this point? What are you learning, and from whom? Is it easy or hard for you to learn? In what domains? What is your ethnicity, and what does that reveal about you? What is your master passion — that is, what makes your heart come alive?

Understand that these are clues that will help you assess who you are and who you’re meant to be under Heaven.

Where do you fit?

Rick Warren’s book, The Purpose Driven Church discusses a method he and his church devised called “Discovering your SHAPE for Ministry.” It’s an acrostic that encourages each of us to discover his role in the body by considering five attributes: Spiritual gifts, Heart, Aptitude(s), Personality, and Experience/Education. The church uses these assays to help its members find ways to serve that fit their God-given purpose.

When you know who you are, and what you’re good at, it reveals your purpose in your immediate context. This is true in the church and also in life. But even if it leaves you restless, that can be fuel that propels you toward the ultimate fulfillment of your destiny. You have to be looking for it, though. I doubt that caterpillars have any idea their destiny is to become butterflies, but if they don’t fulfill the mission of being caterpillars, they won’t realize their amazing potential.

As I’ve written before about building on strengths instead of correcting weaknesses — if you’re built to be a defensive back, you’re wasting everyone’s time trying to play offensive tackle.

I know what I just said, but…

If, however, you have an overpowering sense of destiny that you are certain is not from yourself, you owe it to yourself to explore it — even if it seems foolish. Consider the Biblical stories of Gideon and King David. When we encounter both men in the Bible, neither displays the potential that God sees in Him.

And NBA fans should take note of league MVP Stephen Curry who was not a top college prospect based on his size, but literally grew into the star he became during his undergraduate career at Davidson College. It’s only possible to persevere against impossible circumstances when one is sure who — and whose — he is.

Beware the False Self

The late Brennan Manning called it “the Impostor.” John Eldredge calls it the false self — that living by your wits in the realm of appearances — instead of living authentically according to the condition of your heart. I’ve learned a lot through the years from John Eldredge’s writings, and I recommend them to you if you want to go deeper into this idea of living from your heart. King Solomon described the heart as “the wellspring of life” in Proverbs, so this is not an option or an accessory. In many ways, this is what it means to live a redeemed and restored life.

Please note well that this redemption comes from God’s loving us in our brokenness and weakness.

Tribes

In an upcoming post, I plan to talk about the threat of tribalism, and how we need to find a way to cool our jets. But this tendency to associate with people who share our values is nothing new. We are all attracted to environments where we can trust and be trusted, know and be known, and communities where values are more homogeneous tend to have higher standards of living, lower incidence of crime, and less violence.

A lot of times this is a positive thing. Presbyterians join with other Presbyterians to worship in a style they prefer and serve effectively based on their shared doctrines. Baptists do this with other Baptists; Catholics with Catholics, and so on. The problems begin when one becomes so invested in the rightness of his way that he cannot recognize good faith on the part of those who go about their worship or work differently. Given the lingering rancor from the most recent US election season, I believe you can see the danger of hyper-partisanship.

Belonging is powerful — and being an outcast is powerfully negative.

Affiliation is interesting. Belonging to a group can reinforce your sense of identity. Veterans have a built-in affinity for fellow veterans. Alumni of given schools bond readily over their shared experience — even if it was decades apart. We all crave acceptance by people we admire. And we feel ruined when we experience rejection. This fear of being excluded — the dread of being exposed as something less than a man, or of being shunned for being different is what gives the false self its power. We need to feel connected.

This explains in part why so many men are diehard sports fans. The process of initiation into cheering for any team is minimal-to-non-existent, and it brings no risk, no cost. Simply wearing the jersey gives you an automatic “in” with other fans. In contrast to the investment of the athletes themselves, emotional investment in a team is nowhere near as time and energy-intensive as the effort expended in the gym and on the field. It’s fine to watch a game, and to be a fan, but for your own sake, have an identity that is your own, and don’t outsource it to any athlete, any team, or any league. You’ll thank me — and here’s just one reason:

Did you know that your favorite sports team can affect your testosterone level? It’s true. When your team wins, you get a boost in your T-level. Conversely, when your team loses, your testosterone level decreases. I’m all for enjoying a ball game as entertainment, but my identity doesn’t rise or fall with the home team, and I’m done wearing another man’s name on my back.

So how about you? In what ways are you acting according to your identity?

“But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.”
-1 Peter 2:9 (NIV)

From the time my first son was born I have been a fan of C.S. Lewis’s The Chronicles of Narnia.  During my sons’ formative years, we probably read through the entire series — aloud — at least seven times.  This does not include the various other times I read one or another of the books for the enjoyment of it.

In book five (according to the copyright date — don’t get me started) titled The Horse and His Boy, we encounter a character who, despite his brief appearance in this one volume, made a real impression on me.  I am referring to King Lune of Archenland, a model of manliness as I hope you’ll see in the following passage:

“The King’s under the law, for it’s the law makes him a king.”

“As was certain to happen sooner or later, King Lune said it was time for young people to be in bed. “And tomorrow, Cor,” he added, “shalt come over all the castle with me and see the estate, and mark all its strength and weakness: for it will be thine to guard when I’m gone.”

“But Corin will be the King then, Father,” said Cor.

“Nay, lad,” said King Lune, “thou art my heir. The crown comes to thee.”

“But I don’t want it,” said Cor. “I’d far rather–”

“‘Tis no question what thou wantest, Cor, nor I either. ‘Tis in the course of law.”

“But if we’re twins we must be the same age.”

“Nay,” said the King with a laugh. “One must come first. Art Corin’s elder by full twenty minutes. And his better too, let’s hope, though that’s no great mastery.” And he looked at Corin with a twinkle in his eyes.

“But, Father, couldn’t you make whichever you like to be the next King?”

“No. The King’s under the law, for it’s the law makes him a king. Hast no more power to start away from thy crown than any sentry from his post.”

“Oh dear,” said Cor. “I don’t want to at all. And Corin– I am most dreadfully sorry. I never dreamed my turning up was going to chisel you out of your kingdom.”

“Hurrah! Hurrah!” said Corin. “I shan’t have to be king. I shan’t have to be king. I’ll always be a prince. It’s princes have all the fun.”

“And that’s truer than thy brother knows, Cor,” said King Lune. “For this is what it means to be a king: to be first in every desperate attack and last in every desperate retreat, and when there’s hunger in the land (as must be now and then in bad years) to wear finer clothes and laugh louder over a scantier meal than any man in your land.”

–C.S. Lewis, The Horse and His Boy in The Chronicles of Narnia

As a man, you are made to exercise your masculine strength.  If you’re called to be a husband, your mission is to be her head and to lead your wife toward ever-increasing Christlikeness.  If you’re blessed to be a father, your mission is to teach your children and train them in right living under the grace of God.  This type of spiritual headship has been described as a man’s being the king of his castle.

If you’re a leader — a king —  here are four concepts I offer for your consideration, based on the example of good King Lune.

Even kings are under authority

King Lune submits to the law, making him a moral and just leader.  If you read the entire series, you’ll understand that in the fictional realm of Narnia, there are laws because there is a transcendent law-giver.  So Lune wouldn’t have tried to change the law even if he wanted to. This is consistent with the saying that we are a country of laws, not men.  Everyone is subject to the same standard, even the king.

A king has a duty – he is not his own

Everyone in Archenland has his role.  As Lune points out, it isn’t a matter of what he, his son or anyone else prefers.  If your job is to be king, then by all means rule.  The monarch can’t shirk his responsibilities any more than a soldier or a sentry in the king’s army can be derelict in his.  As Robert E. Lee said, “You should do your duty in all things. You can never do more, you should never wish to do less.”

A king leads from the front

As Lune explains to his son what it means to be king, he models a concept known as leading from the front.  A good king is first in every charge, and the last man in every retreat.  He puts his own life on the line in battle, since it is by his authority that the kingdom is at war.  If there are hard times, he bears them with his subjects and doesn’t exempt or isolate himself from the suffering in his domain.  The motto at the Marine Corps Officer Candidate School is Ductus exemplo — lead by example.

A king sets the tone for those in his kingdom

Note that King Lune is no politician. He doesn’t promise never-ending prosperity, and he recognizes that bad years will come.  He understands and articulates that in those circumstances a good king doesn’t go into hiding.  Rather he brightens his attitude and those of his people by force of his optimism.  He wears fine clothes and laughs despite the lack of food on his plate because he has hope.

A husband and a father needs to be strong before his wife and children in this same way.  They are looking to their leader — you — to set the emotional and spiritual tone in good and bad times.  I personally couldn’t do this without God’s help, but I do it because I have hope

So how about you?  How do you — or how do you intend to — wield your authority in your domain?  Add your comments below.

“Life is a storm, my young friend. You will bask in the sunlight one moment, be shattered on the rocks the next. What makes you a man is what you do when that storm comes. You must look into that storm and shout as you did in Rome, ‘Do your worst, for I will do mine!’ Then the fates will know you as we know you.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo

This quotation is one of my favorite parts of one of my favorite movies.  The Count of Monte Cristo (Edmond Dantès) offers a birthday toast to Albert — ostensibly the son of his dear friend, but actually his own biological son. These inspiring words contain some genuine wisdom when a man faces hardship.

There are real dangers out there, but you can’t cower and still overcome them.

It’s better to know than not to know

First, let’s acknowledge that life is a storm. To believe somehow that he will not encounter difficulties requires that a man ignore the plain facts. As the Count says, things can be going exceedingly well, and just as suddenly you’re in a crisis. It can be an accident, a diagnosis, the death of a loved one, or a broken relationship. Note: I recommend living with hope, but I have to be realistic. Some wonderful picnics get rained out.

What makes you a man

We live in a time of ambivalence and ambiguity where masculinity is concerned. The further you move on the social/political spectrum, the more likely it is you’ll believe that gender is a social construct with no objective reality. This despite the unambiguous differences in body shape, chromosomes, and genital morphology. Even though you can look into your Jockeys and see that you’re a man, masculinity is far more than your body’s particular plumbing.

As the Count advises Albert, what makes a man is what he does when he is in the midst of adversity. So here are my thoughts on how to conduct yourself when the storm breaks in your life:

Brace yourself and face it

When you’re hit with bad news or you find yourself in the middle of a disaster, don’t hide. You may need a moment to digest the circumstances, but make as accurate an assessment of your circumstances as possible and stick to your mission. Most people find themselves immobilized by shock or grief. You can keep going — and you must. Others will find their courage as they follow your example.

Take inventory of your assets

The specific questions will depend on the nature of the storm, but what we’re after here is figuring out what you have to work with. Let’s say you’re camping and you or a friend needs first aid miles deep in the woods — what resources are you carrying or can you find to address the injury? Do you have a means of communicating with rangers or other help? Are you certain of your location? Do you have a source of water and a way to sterilize it? Do you have a way to build a fire for warmth and cooking? What sort of shelter do you have or can you make? The answers to those questions — and others — can drive your actions from that point on.

Set your mind to overcome

In my college years I had the misfortune to get embroiled in a personality conflict with one of my professors. This professor was an avowed Marxist and I still am not. I raised a principled objection to her attempted indoctrination, arousing her indignation. Unfortunately, I also had the poor judgement to try to win through outright defiance. That earned me a D in my major field and also marked the two of us as enemies from then on — in a small department in a small college. This professor even tried to prevent several of my classmates and me from graduating — an attempt we addressed through official channels and were able to thwart.

You must apply the Count’s exhortation to shout into the storm, “Do your worst, ” but realize some foes will take you up on it. Jesus told his disciples to be as cunning as serpents and as gentle as doves. I likely would have come out of the experience with higher grades and one less enemy if I had applied this wisdom to my situation.

Even though I was immature, I was right to believe as I did, I was right not to abandon my principles, and I was right to believe that I was not finished even when my GPA took a hit. Believing you will make it through the challenge is a powerful help. Don’t ignore the substance of your thoughts when you’re in a storm, and make sure you’re thinking about and planning to survive and more.

Use the force

No, not the impersonal tao of Star Wars, use your own strength to improve the conditions. When you shout, “Do your worst,” you also shout, “…for I will do mine!” Deploy your assets wisely and with maximum effectiveness, and seek to cultivate allies. But understand that some conflicts — admittedly few — can only be solved by fighting. This is because some foes only understand and adjust their behavior when confronted forcefully. When you’re there and it’s inevitable, then by all means win.

Trust God before the storm hits

As we have discussed as recently as last week, God sometimes allows us to experience hardships to shape our character. My pastor says that pressure-filled  situations will reveal what’s inside us, the same way that squeezing a tube of toothpaste will release the contents.

God reveals himself as a Heavenly Father who loves to come through for his beloved children.  You can’t avoid hardship, but you can prepare yourself to thrive in spite of it. Develop your relationship with God — not just when you want something from him — but every day. Then when you’re under pressure, what will come out of you is grace, peace and new ideas for surviving the storm.

The fates will know

Again you won’t avoid all trouble, but you will certainly be equipped to push back. Every victory you win makes the next one just that much easier.

So how about you? What storm are you in right now? More important, how are you planning to survive it? Add your comments below.

“Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, ‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.’” – Hebrews 13:4-5 (NIV)

Hugh Hefner, the founder and publisher of Playboy Magazine died last week at the age of 91. If you wonder how our culture became tolerant of pornography of increasing explicitness and ubiquity, you can thank Mr. Hefner for his significant contributions.

Sign of the times — thanks, Hef.

Following Hefner’s death, it seemed nearly every news organization published a gushing tribute to the man and his legacy. If you want to read them, there’s this thing called the Internet and I’m sure you can find them. But in scanning the headlines that reported Hugh Hefner’s death, one headline caught my eye. It said, “Hugh Hefner’s first wife CHEATED on him — a betrayal which gave birth to his Playboy lifestyle.”

The article reports that Hefner and his fiancée had been saving themselves for marriage, but that while he was serving in the army during World War II, she confessed to him she’d had sex with another man. They married in spite of this, but their marriage ended in divorce four years later. About the infidelity, he said,”That was the most devastating moment in my life.”

Why are we talking about this?

If you’re a regular reader here (thank you!) you know I always have a reason. Hefner said his then-fiancée’s being with another man cast a shadow over his marriage. “After that, I always felt in a sense that the other guy was in bed with us, too.” And although his wife, guilt-ridden, encouraged/allowed him to sleep with other women, ultimately, Hugh Hefner became an enemy of sexual morality.

He started Playboy magazine in 1953 and sought to make eroticism socially acceptable by publishing photos of nude women alongside interviews, music reviews, essays, and short stories.  In addition to the magazine, Hefner promoted what he called the Playboy philosophy, which as you’d imagine took a dim view of monogamy.

So here we have a man whose woman was unfaithful, whose marriage didn’t last, and whose life’s work discouraged others from being faithful in marriage.

The wound and its interpretation

Brent Curtis and John Eldredge’s book The Sacred Romance, and Eldredge’s later book Wild at Heart discuss in some detail what they refer to as “the message of the arrows.”  Each of us, they say, receives a wound, and that wound pierces us in a vulnerable part of our heart and soul. We try to make sense of it, and we get a lot of “help” from the world, the flesh, and the devil. Most of us regard the wound as something shameful, and we internalize it and never take it to our Heavenly Father to let Him heal it. Instead we make a vow to never let ourselves get hurt that way again. And this gives way to the false self.

A man’s question

More from Wild at Heart: Eldredge explains that every boy longs to receive the masculine blessing — to know that he is a man and that he has what it takes. That blessing should come from a boy’s own father, or perhaps his grandfather, uncle, or godfather. It is the conferring of manhood, so it should come from men. But bad things happen when a man seeks to validate his masculinity in the arms of a woman, or women. To quote Eldredge verbatim:

“When a man takes his question to the woman what happens is either addiction or emasculation. Usually both.”

Back to Hefner

Do you see this pattern playing out in the life of Hugh Hefner? Clearly, he wanted his wife to validate him as a man. Her sleeping with another man created a wound in that most vulnerable part of him. The false self that became his identity was that of the Lothario, the playboy, the stud — able to get any woman he wanted. This turned out to be partially true. He could get all the women he could bribe with plastic surgery. And he could keep all the ones who were willing to put out in exchange for an “allowance.” But ultimately, this wounded man sought to medicate himself with women’s bodies and Viagra. Pretty sad.

But the worst thing was that this man’s false self contaminated our culture and created massive stumbling blocks for generations of men. Each one of us is responsible for his own choices and actions, but notice how personal choices affect others. How many of our grandfathers, fathers, brothers — and how many of us — have given in to the temptation offered by Hugh Hefner and his imitators? How many of us grew up with absent dads imbued with the Playboy philosophy?  How many of us are in the chains of sexual addiction through promiscuity, pornography, or both?

May God grant us the grace to overcome the sorry legacy of Hugh Hefner and walk free in the glorious light of Christ Jesus. May we seek and find our identity in Him. And may we pass on a better legacy to our sons and daughters. If we truly believe God is for us and will never leave us, we can find contentment whether married or single.

So how about you? How have you gotten your question answered? Do you need a reboot? Share your story or add your comments below.

“Marriage is the graduate school of service.” – Pastor David Chadwick

I’ve made no secret of my belief in marriage. Mrs. Booth and I have been married for nearly 32 years, with the struggles and joys that come with being married that long. It has been and is a great thing and I love being married to my wife.

And I admit that the climate for marriage in the west is hostile in many ways. From taxes that penalize marriage economically, to family courts that incentivize women to file for divorce from their husbands, to cultural Marxist feminism that seeks to destroy “the patriarchy” by destroying men, there is plenty of evidence to support a man’s decision not to marry. But let’s revisit one of my favorite axioms:

Abuse doesn’t invalidate use.

Marriage is to be kept pure…

The occasions when men commit murder with hammers doesn’t justify banning hammers or outlawing carpentry. The widespread misuse of the institution of marriage — from cohabitation and out-of-wedlock births, through frivolous no-fault divorce — doesn’t mean that marriage has forfeited its divine purpose.

Back to the beginning

If we look to the creation narrative in the second chapter of the Old Testament book of Genesis, we see that God had created the universe, placing man, whom he had made in his own image, at the top of the created order. God pronounced it good. But when he saw that he had made suitable mates for all the other creatures except man, God said, “it is not good that man should be alone.”

After evaluating every other type of creature and not finding a mate, a companion, a wife for the man, Adam, God did something remarkable. He put Adam to sleep and took flesh and bone from his side, making from them a woman, whom Adam called Eve. Note that up to this point, Adam was the bearer of the full imago dei — the image of God. In this, Adam reflected masculinity and femininity as God does. But when God created Eve to be Adam’s helper, his (in Hebrew) ezer kenegdo — literally his “life saver” — God split into two parts the imago dei, investing maleness and masculine strength in the man and investing femaleness and feminine beauty and tenderness in the woman. This is important, because Genesis 2:24-25 says this:

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

This one-flesh union, this intimate knowing, free of guilt and shame is the heart of marriage.

Breaking it down

Note the lack of self-consciousness and self-regard in this first marriage. Their nakedness and vulnerability was not something to exploit for advantage, rather it was open and generous. It cannot have been otherwise, as the one-flesh union would not have existed if Adam had not given himself to Eve, and Eve had not given herself to her husband.

Now it’s broken down

Have you noticed in our culture’s stories how marital sex is nearly always portrayed as a chore to be avoided, while affairs and other forms of sexual behavior appear exciting?  If I say the word monogamy, do you regard the concept as a positive or a negative one? Why? If you’re married, did your friends try to talk you out of it, citing the endless novelty of hookups compared to loving one woman for life? Part of this inversion is the distortion of our world through sin. So a loyal wife seems boring to her husband, compared to the women at his office, and an aloof cad is seemingly irresistible compared to a wife’s dependable husband.  This is why King Solomon wrote in Proverbs 9:16, “Stolen water is sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant.” But note this: Just because a forbidden thing is appealing doesn’t mean you shouldn’t avoid it. (See also poison mushrooms.)

Reacquiring the trail

If you dread the idea of marriage, in the present or the future, I want to encourage you to re-establish a biblical view of marriage. First, note that biblical marriage is a covenant rather than a contract. This is not a legal instrument between two consenting parties that can be broken at will. Among God’s people, a covenant is a binding, irrevocable joining between God and his people. There are obligations, but failure to perform doesn’t justify an exit.

It is true that you have the duty of spiritual headship, and the responsibility to shepherd, protect, and provide for your wife and children, and those obligations demand lifelong faithfulness. It is also true that you can expect to enjoy the marriage bed — sex — with your wife and the two of you have a responsibility to maintain this aspect of your marriage — especially when kiddos enter the picture. Check out Proverbs 5:15-19 for just one biblical encouragement in this area.

The ratio

Before Mrs. Booth and I married, an older friend took me aside and said, “I know you think marriage is a 50/50 proposition. It isn’t. It’s 100/100. It takes both of you giving it 100% for it to work.” I have learned that friend was 100% correct. And this brings us to service.

A generous spirit requires bravery

An unpleasant aspect of our times is the wariness that leads to near-constant score-keeping. We are willing to give, as long as we get, but heaven help the one who takes and never gives. Does that sound familiar? In marriage, we have to overcome the fear and serve each other generously. Even if you’re afraid you won’t get anything out of it, serve.

In Paul’s letter to the church at Ephesus, the apostle instructed wives to submit to their husbands, but he instructed husbands to love their wives the way Christ loved the church. In case you’re unfamiliar with the story, he died for her. Obviously, marriage is one of those things where you must be present to win, so what does this sacrificial service look like in the realm of mortals?

Here’s an example

In the fewest words, it means put others first. If you do this, God notices. And He is able to reward you. But I promised you an example.

If you haven’t seen the video for Andra Day’s song Rise Up, it’s a great portrayal of loving service in the context of marriage. Please watch this now. I’ll wait

This video, directed by M. Night Shyamalan, conveys so much truth, and Andra Day’s vocal performance drives it home. Note the wife pouring out her life for the husband who can no longer hold her. Though her reward would seem slight compared to what she — and he — expected when they first married, this is a shining example of loving and giving 100%.

And notice, also, how the husband doesn’t quit, either. He gives the strength he has, and she appreciates it. Good art with a true message!

Not just true in stories

You may argue that Shyamalan could tell the story any way he wants, and that the video is a made-up story. Fair enough, but I have a pastor friend whose wife has Multiple Sclerosis and he serves his wife in the same manner. He cares for her and loves her like Christ loves the church — the way he promised to when they wed. And he’s not the only man I know who has cared for his wife this way. I have written before about old-school wedding vows, and this is where they prove their worth.

I know there is great risk in getting married these days. The statistics, as we’ve noted, are grim. But it is also possible to find godly, virtuous women who want to be married to godly and masculine spiritual leaders. So for God’s sake (literally), lead, love, and serve. Your children need the stability that only a covenant marriage can provide them.

God would not have commanded this of husbands if men weren’t capable of doing it. If you aren’t that sort of man yet, stick around and learn how to be one. Or message me and let’s start a discussion.

It is not good for the man to be alone, but it also important to marry the kind of woman who will stick by you — and by whom you’ll stick — when the storms come. It can be done!

So how about you? How are you leading and serving in your marriage, or preparing to lead and serve in your marriage? Add your comments below.

“If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you…”
-Kipling

In my previous post, I explained that security is a dynamic property. By that I meant that although one can receive security from his parents and his upbringing,  one must not simply seek security for its own sake — rather security provides a  stable base from which to launch any worthwhile adventure. In addition, security is something a man gives to and spends on behalf of those under his headship.

Each of us is on the hook for his own responses, his own choices.

As a way in, it was necessary to show how fear and insecurity inhibit men from realizing their greatest potential. When this happens, a man is over-valuing his security. I call that playing not to lose.

Students of American history will likely recall this quotation from America’s founding:

“Those who surrender freedom for security will not have, nor do they deserve, either one.”
-Benjamin Franklin

Clearly Franklin understood — and wanted us to understand — that security and freedom are in tension, and that if a man clings too tightly to security he will wind up sacrificing his liberty. Slaves don’t have adventures.

What William Wallace Said

If you haven’t seen the movie Braveheart, you should. It tells the story of William Wallace — the 13th-century Scottish warrior who rallied his fellow countrymen to oppose the tyrannical king Edward and win independence for Scotland. The following well-known scene illustrates the tension between freedom and security so I encourage you to watch it here:

Wallace asks his outnumbered and fearful countrymen how they will use their freedom. Like him, I do not want to be haunted by regret.

Why Safe Spaces Are a Bad Deal

On many college and university campuses, students are demanding and administrations are providing safe spaces. The rules vary by school, but in the main these are places where, to quote the old folk song Home on the Range, “…seldom is heard a discouraging word…” Except in these days, the banishment of unpopular or disfavored ideas comes accompanied by a “Trigger warning.”

I remember how stressful the workload at college was. And of course, now I look back at how much free time I actually had. Nevertheless, for that time and my experience to that point is was stressful. However, can we agree that being shielded from every idea that might challenge, upset, or offend one is a recipe for sapping and not building resilience? And can we agree further that if you need a trigger warning, you are not secure? May I suggest you view this as a weakness that you can and must overcome. It will be worth the effort.

Just as resistance training builds muscle, wrestling with unfamiliar or even offensive ideas builds your moral, spiritual, and intellectual muscles.

It’s a big world — don’t skip leg day

If you’re going to function at the peak of your capabilities, you cannot hide out from ideas you don’t like. You must have enough groundedness, enough security in who you are and what you believe so that you have a stable platform from which to engage new ideas. And then you must engage them.

Like a lot of guys who got interested in training with weights, I spent most of my early years in the gym working “mirror” muscles — chest and arms. Squats hurt too much (because I tried to rush the process), so I didn’t do them. And all that caught up to me later when I had to undergo physical therapy because of the imbalance I had created through my laziness/pain avoidance/bad habits. Balance your physical, as well as your emotional and spiritual training, and you’ll be secure enough to know you can handle any idea that comes your way.

Besides, you may find that you’ve been wrong about something(s). Ask me how I know.

I told you so

No, not like that. Over the years I’ve been writing and publishing this blog, I have mentioned on more than one occasion the importance of three things:

1. Masculine initiation
2. Mentors
3. A biblical worldview

Are you starting to see the connections? Initiation provides a pathway to manhood with defined waypoints. When you negotiate that pathway, you come to the end with the assurance that you have a date, a time, and a place where you became a man. I didn’t get this as a boy, but God provided what I needed along with a desire to communicate it to others. With that healing, I provided just such an initiation experience for my sons.*

Mentors are like the master craftsmen who teach their trade to their apprentices. They aren’t there to teach you the basics — but they are there to help you master the craft of your life. I met with my mentor yesterday morning, as I have been doing for years now. And I meet regularly with several different young men as their mentor.

And a biblical worldview gives you an unchanging reference point by which to measure the rightness of a belief system, a work of  art, a cause, or a policy. All of this brings us back around to identity, stimulation, and security.

So how about you? In what ways are you building and spending Security? Add your comments below.

*If you’re interested in having me speak to your group about masculine initiation, I can provide more information on what I devised for my sons. (I’m a pretty good public speaker, too.) Contact me via email or post a comment and we’ll discuss.