“Whoever digs a pit will fall into it,and a stone will come back on him who starts it rolling.” — Proverbs 26:27 (ESV)

By now you may have already heard about the news story broken by Rolling Stone magazine — a horrific tale of a brutal sexual assault on a female first-year student that allegedly took place in a fraternity house on the University of Virginia’s grounds.  From there it got worse, as the story alleged that the victim’s friends discouraged her from notifying the police, and that the university’s response when the victim came forward was, shall we say, inadequate.  However, in the unforgiving glare caused by the unfavorable publicity, UVA’s president suspended all fraternity activities until further notice.  There’s just one thing: the story printed in Rolling Stone wasn’t accurate.

Somebody should blow the whistle

Why talk about what didn’t happen?*

Two reasons: 1)  Young men need to understand the times in which they live — recognizing that some accusations are, in the minds of some journalists, too good to research.  And 2) Young men need to make sure their conduct is above reproach in every circumstance — and never more so than in their dealings with women.

Far from calling for an unthinking return to chivalry, this is a call for self awareness, self respect and self control.  If you are committed to maintaining a life of integrity, you will want to avoid even the appearance of wrongdoing.  This will not only preserve your reputation — and hers — but it will also help to shield you from the sorts of accusations being lobbed on college campuses these days.

As shocking as it may seem, there is no longer a presumption of innocence on many college campuses.  And many institutions of higher learning have done away with due process — eliminating, for example, the right of legal representation, of cross-examination, or even that of confronting one’s accuser.  Even if you’ve done no such thing, being on the receiving end of a rape accusation can nuke your college career for keeps.

Time-honored wisdom

Recently, I published a post regarding King Solomon’s advice to young men regarding the forbidden woman.  Here’s more wisdom from this ancient king:

“As I stood at the window of my house looking out through the shutters, Watching the mindless crowd stroll by, I spotted a young man without any sense Arriving at the corner of the street where she lived, then turning up the path to her house. It was dusk, the evening coming on, the darkness thickening into night. Just then, a woman met him— she’d been lying in wait for him, dressed to seduce him. Brazen and brash she was, restless and roaming, never at home, Walking the streets, loitering in the mall, hanging out at every corner in town.

“She threw her arms around him and kissed him, boldly took his arm and said, “I’ve got all the makings for a feast— today I made my offerings, my vows are all paid, So now I’ve come to find you, hoping to catch sight of your face—and here you are! I’ve spread fresh, clean sheets on my bed, colorful imported linens. My bed is aromatic with spices and exotic fragrances. Come, let’s make love all night, spend the night in ecstatic lovemaking! My husband’s not home; he’s away on business, and he won’t be back for a month.

“Soon she has him eating out of her hand, bewitched by her honeyed speech. Before you know it, he’s trotting behind her, like a calf led to the butcher shop, Like a stag lured into ambush and then shot with an arrow, Like a bird flying into a net not knowing that its flying life is over.

“So, friends, listen to me, take these words of mine most seriously. Don’t fool around with a woman like that; don’t even stroll through her neighborhood. Countless victims come under her spell; she’s the death of many a poor man. She runs a halfway house to hell, fits you out with a shroud and a coffin.”  Proverbs 7:6-27 (The Message)

We should take a moment to state categorically that some — but not all —  men do assault women. But we also must acknowledge that some — but not all — women lie and lob false accusations. In biblical language this is called bearing false witness (testifying falsely) against one’s neighbor. Taken with the cultural Marxist project to destroy men, a man under such suspicion cannot count on a fair hearing in the media. Hence this discussion about journalistic malpractice by Rolling Stone.

We’ve talked before about leading in the context of relationships — how you should set the tone and be the gatekeeper.  In this way, it’s on you to ensure you and your female companion are not in situations that will even appear illicit.  In the passage above, Solomon is saying the young man should not have allowed himself to be seduced.  This is my advice to you, too.

Understand that apart from marriage, the boundaries are blurry.  What you think is mutual consent could turn out to be an accusation that ruins your life.  No momentary pleasure is worth that.

Epilogue:  

To their credit the magazine, embarrassed,  pulled the story — all 10,000 words of it — apologizing for not researching the claims of the alleged victim more thoroughly.  Despite the retraction of this story, UVA did not reinstate fraternity activities with anything near the speed with which they suspended them.

So how about you?  How are you taking care to mind your reputation in the dating arena?  Add your comments below.

*Just because Rolling Stone’s account can’t withstand scrutiny, that doesn’t prove the young woman wasn’t assaulted.

“The increasing complexity and precariousness of our economic life have forced Government to take over many spheres of activity once left to choice or chance. Our intellectuals have surrendered first to the slave-philosophy of Hegel, then to Marx, finally to the linguistic analysts.”
– C. S. Lewis from “Willing Slaves of the Welfare State”

Last fall, David Horowitz’s FrontPage Mag published an article by Mallory Millett titled “Marxist Feminism’s Ruined Lives.”   The article described what Millett saw as a young divorcée in the 1960’s at the birth of the modern (second-wave) feminist movement, and the toll it took on her and others.   Millett’s older sister Kate Millett was one of the key figures in the movement — Kate Millett and her book Sexual Politics deserve full credit for helping spawn women’s studies programs in nearly every American university.

It’s a trap!

The unholy litany

In her article, Mallory Millett describes a meeting she attended with her sister — a Marxist consciousness-raising event that included a call-and-response chant between the leader and those in attendance.  According to (Mallory) Millett, it went like this:

“‘Why are we here today?” she asked.
“To make revolution,” they answered.
“What kind of revolution?” she replied.
“The Cultural Revolution,” they chanted.
“And how do we make Cultural Revolution?” she demanded.
“By destroying the American family!” they answered.
“How do we destroy the family?” she came back.
“By destroying the American Patriarch,” they cried exuberantly.
“And how do we destroy the American Patriarch?” she replied.
“By taking away his power!”
“How do we do that?”
“By destroying monogamy!” they shouted.
“How can we destroy monogamy?”

Their answer left me dumbstruck, breathless, disbelieving my ears.  Was I on planet earth?  Who were these people?

“By promoting promiscuity, eroticism, prostitution and homosexuality!” they resounded.

Surprise! You’re a target

Did you understand that if you are or intend to be a husband and a father — a patriarch — that you are also a target?  According to the Marxist feminists, it would only be possible to supplant the culture of the United States by destroying the family as its central institution, and it would only be possible to destroy the family by destroying its spiritual head.  That would be you and me.

Why are we talking about this?

I recognize that this is a bit off the normal track for this blog, but we have discussed the ongoing crisis in masculinity, and the need for us to become men who live out of our masculine strength.  Now perhaps you see what is at stake.  We always want to offer practical encouragement here, and this post is no different.  If I sent you on an errand, and I knew there was danger along the route, I would tell you — consider this a friendly warning.

In the same way you wouldn’t enter a lacrosse game without your helmet, pads, gloves and stick (and, of course,  your cup), you must go into today’s classrooms, workplaces  and entertainments aware of the plan to destroy men.  So consider the aim is to take you out, to neutralize your masculine strength, to render you powerless, impotent, emasculated and ineffective.  Worst of all, the plan is not to overpower you, but to entice you into surrendering.

What time is it?

Men, it’s late.  If you are in doubt about the effectiveness of this strategy, consider your own opinions and attitudes concerning promiscuity, eroticism, prostitution and homosexuality — and how they may have changed in the past ten years.  Now consider the opinions and attitudes of your friends, classmates and colleagues.  Next consider the messages concerning these four forces that you’ve encountered in classrooms, news articles and reports, in movies and television programs and in social media.

As you see, America has undergone a cataclysmic change in its mores since the consciousness-raising event attended by Mallory Millett.

Is it hopeless? 

• Don’t take the bait — These weapons only work on you if you let them.  Sexual sin is tempting, but recognize what’s behind it and take the long view.
• Clean up your diet — Don’t feed your mind with stories and images that undermine your masculine strength, or that promote your destruction.
• Audit the institutions you’re part of — Use your freedom of association to find, found or fund organizations that promote and value authentic masculinity.  (This is why I’m on this corner of the internet, by the way.)   If you need to change churches, employers, schools, vote with your feet.  When you realize you’ve stepped onto the conveyor belt at the slaughterhouse, you have every right to step off of it.
• Enlist allies — find brothers who are committed to the same values.  Not all women are on board with the destruction of the family.  Find them.  As I pointed out previously, the popularity of Fifty Shades of Grey — although promoting promiscuity and eroticism — repudiates Marxist feminism’s anti-masculine aims, since the audience seems keenly interested in a dominant man.
• Build your body and your mind — You are on your way to becoming the best possible version of yourself, aren’t you?  You need strength to withstand the allure of temptation in every form.
• Challenge the assumptions — As you encounter these anti-male ideas, be prepared to question their origins and their legitimacy.  Don’t be afraid to point out the consequences of four-plus decades of Marxist feminism and ask if we’re better off in any way.
• Reform your manners — English abolitionist, William Wilberforce, worked until the day he died for the abolition of slavery and for “the reformation of manners.”  As men, we should take up this cause and make it our own.   If you’re married, start by leading your family, even if it’s difficult.  Let’s reform our own character after that of Jesus, and work to liberate men and women in the clutches of these destructive forces.  Just by living fearlessly and unabashedly as a man, you’ll cause others to find their courage.  We can do this with God’s help.

So how about you?  In what ways have you gone along with the plan for your own destruction?  How do you intend to regain your strength?  Add your comments below.

“Marriage is the graduate school of service.” – Pastor David Chadwick

I’ve made no secret of my belief in marriage. Mrs. Booth and I have been married for nearly 32 years, with the struggles and joys that come with being married that long. It has been and is a great thing and I love being married to my wife.

And I admit that the climate for marriage in the west is hostile in many ways. From taxes that penalize marriage economically, to family courts that incentivize women to file for divorce from their husbands, to cultural Marxist feminism that seeks to destroy “the patriarchy” by destroying men, there is plenty of evidence to support a man’s decision not to marry. But let’s revisit one of my favorite axioms:

Abuse doesn’t invalidate use.

Marriage is to be kept pure…

The occasions when men commit murder with hammers doesn’t justify banning hammers or outlawing carpentry. The widespread misuse of the institution of marriage — from cohabitation and out-of-wedlock births, through frivolous no-fault divorce — doesn’t mean that marriage has forfeited its divine purpose.

Back to the beginning

If we look to the creation narrative in the second chapter of the Old Testament book of Genesis, we see that God had created the universe, placing man, whom he had made in his own image, at the top of the created order. God pronounced it good. But when he saw that he had made suitable mates for all the other creatures except man, God said, “it is not good that man should be alone.”

After evaluating every other type of creature and not finding a mate, a companion, a wife for the man, Adam, God did something remarkable. He put Adam to sleep and took flesh and bone from his side, making from them a woman, whom Adam called Eve. Note that up to this point, Adam was the bearer of the full imago dei — the image of God. In this, Adam reflected masculinity and femininity as God does. But when God created Eve to be Adam’s helper, his (in Hebrew) ezer kenegdo — literally his “life saver” — God split into two parts the imago dei, investing maleness and masculine strength in the man and investing femaleness and feminine beauty and tenderness in the woman. This is important, because Genesis 2:24-25 says this:

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

This one-flesh union, this intimate knowing, free of guilt and shame is the heart of marriage.

Breaking it down

Note the lack of self-consciousness and self-regard in this first marriage. Their nakedness and vulnerability was not something to exploit for advantage, rather it was open and generous. It cannot have been otherwise, as the one-flesh union would not have existed if Adam had not given himself to Eve, and Eve had not given herself to her husband.

Now it’s broken down

Have you noticed in our culture’s stories how marital sex is nearly always portrayed as a chore to be avoided, while affairs and other forms of sexual behavior appear exciting?  If I say the word monogamy, do you regard the concept as a positive or a negative one? Why? If you’re married, did your friends try to talk you out of it, citing the endless novelty of hookups compared to loving one woman for life? Part of this inversion is the distortion of our world through sin. So a loyal wife seems boring to her husband, compared to the women at his office, and an aloof cad is seemingly irresistible compared to a wife’s dependable husband.  This is why King Solomon wrote in Proverbs 9:16, “Stolen water is sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant.” But note this: Just because a forbidden thing is appealing doesn’t mean you shouldn’t avoid it. (See also poison mushrooms.)

Reacquiring the trail

If you dread the idea of marriage, in the present or the future, I want to encourage you to re-establish a biblical view of marriage. First, note that biblical marriage is a covenant rather than a contract. This is not a legal instrument between two consenting parties that can be broken at will. Among God’s people, a covenant is a binding, irrevocable joining between God and his people. There are obligations, but failure to perform doesn’t justify an exit.

It is true that you have the duty of spiritual headship, and the responsibility to shepherd, protect, and provide for your wife and children, and those obligations demand lifelong faithfulness. It is also true that you can expect to enjoy the marriage bed — sex — with your wife and the two of you have a responsibility to maintain this aspect of your marriage — especially when kiddos enter the picture. Check out Proverbs 5:15-19 for just one biblical encouragement in this area.

The ratio

Before Mrs. Booth and I married, an older friend took me aside and said, “I know you think marriage is a 50/50 proposition. It isn’t. It’s 100/100. It takes both of you giving it 100% for it to work.” I have learned that friend was 100% correct. And this brings us to service.

A generous spirit requires bravery

An unpleasant aspect of our times is the wariness that leads to near-constant score-keeping. We are willing to give, as long as we get, but heaven help the one who takes and never gives. Does that sound familiar? In marriage, we have to overcome the fear and serve each other generously. Even if you’re afraid you won’t get anything out of it, serve.

In Paul’s letter to the church at Ephesus, the apostle instructed wives to submit to their husbands, but he instructed husbands to love their wives the way Christ loved the church. In case you’re unfamiliar with the story, he died for her. Obviously, marriage is one of those things where you must be present to win, so what does this sacrificial service look like in the realm of mortals?

Here’s an example

In the fewest words, it means put others first. If you do this, God notices. And He is able to reward you. But I promised you an example.

If you haven’t seen the video for Andra Day’s song Rise Up, it’s a great portrayal of loving service in the context of marriage. Please watch this now. I’ll wait

This video, directed by M. Night Shyamalan, conveys so much truth, and Andra Day’s vocal performance drives it home. Note the wife pouring out her life for the husband who can no longer hold her. Though her reward would seem slight compared to what she — and he — expected when they first married, this is a shining example of loving and giving 100%.

And notice, also, how the husband doesn’t quit, either. He gives the strength he has, and she appreciates it. Good art with a true message!

Not just true in stories

You may argue that Shyamalan could tell the story any way he wants, and that the video is a made-up story. Fair enough, but I have a pastor friend whose wife has Multiple Sclerosis and he serves his wife in the same manner. He cares for her and loves her like Christ loves the church — the way he promised to when they wed. And he’s not the only man I know who has cared for his wife this way. I have written before about old-school wedding vows, and this is where they prove their worth.

I know there is great risk in getting married these days. The statistics, as we’ve noted, are grim. But it is also possible to find godly, virtuous women who want to be married to godly and masculine spiritual leaders. So for God’s sake (literally), lead, love, and serve. Your children need the stability that only a covenant marriage can provide them.

God would not have commanded this of husbands if men weren’t capable of doing it. If you aren’t that sort of man yet, stick around and learn how to be one. Or message me and let’s start a discussion.

It is not good for the man to be alone, but it also important to marry the kind of woman who will stick by you — and by whom you’ll stick — when the storms come. It can be done!

So how about you? How are you leading and serving in your marriage, or preparing to lead and serve in your marriage? Add your comments below.

Men:  We have to talk about sex. If there’s one area where this generation is stuck, this is it.

The Water Was Dirty Before You Got In

Now, before you conclude that I’m pointing my finger at you, please realize that the Boomer cohort gave us the sexual revolution and rampant divorce, and the Gen X cohort was equally careless about sex and marriage.  But it’s even worse than that.  These are the guys who grew up to convince you that everyone but you was sexually active, to urge the women you know to emulate the worst of promiscuous men, and to offer you pornography pretty much anywhere and anytime — and all so they could separate you from your money.  If you want poor examples, the generations ahead of you are shot through with them.

Applying wisdom — that’s a horse of a different color!

So if you’re a typical American male, you were probably exposed to pornography somewhere around age ten.  But even if you didn’t see any sexually explicit magazines, videos or websites in your youth, you’ve been awash in a culture that has turned sex into a commodity devoid of any spiritual significance.  As a man who has spent much of his career in and around sales, I say it’s lazy to use sex to sell.  As bad as that is, it’s worse to be so checked out that you allow it to influence you.  There is a better way.

Meet King Solomon

In the Old Testament (that’s the first 39 books of the Bible), we meet a king named Solomon.  He was the son of King David and Bathsheba (there’s a story about the misuse of sex, right there).  When Solomon succeeded his father as the king of Israel, God told Solomon to ask him for anything.  In reply, Solomon asked for wisdom to govern God’s people.  This pleased God and he promised Solomon that no one would be wiser or more honored than he.

In addition to building the Temple in Jerusalem, Solomon reportedly had 1,000 wives and concubines.  (Here I should point out that just because the Bible describes something, it does not prescribe it.)  Solomon is also credited with several books of the Bible — Ecclesiastes, The Song of Solomon, and Proverbs.  And that brings us to the purpose of this post.

In Proverbs 5 Solomon writes this:

My son, be attentive to my wisdom;

incline your ear to my understanding,

that you may keep discretion,

and your lips may guard knowledge.

For the lips of a forbidden woman drip honey,

and her speech is smoother than oil,

but in the end she is bitter as wormwood,

sharp as a two-edged sword.

Her feet go down to death;

her steps follow the path to Sheol;

she does not ponder the path of life;

her ways wander, and she does not know it.

And now, O sons, listen to me,

and do not depart from the words of my mouth.

Keep your way far from her,

and do not go near the door of her house,

lest you give your honor to others

and your years to the merciless,

lest strangers take their fill of your strength,

and your labors go to the house of a foreigner,

and at the end of your life you groan,

when your flesh and body are consumed,

and you say, “How I hated discipline,

and my heart despised reproof!

I did not listen to the voice of my teachers

or incline my ear to my instructors.”

Be the Gatekeeper

What Difference Does It Make?

The Rest of The Story

It Isn’t Easy

So how about you?  How are you applying God’s wisdom to help you lead a chaste life?  Add your comments below.

“Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things; and give me life in your ways.” – Psalm 119:37

We have spent the last several weeks considering the importance of the psychological and emotional needs Identity, Stimulation, and Security. In this post, I’d like to discuss the consequences of the misplaced or unmoderated need for stimulation.

Knowing how to distinguish real from counterfeit is valuable

Is stimulation bad?

Let’s address this up front: stimulation is vital. Babies need visual and auditory stimuli to develop normally. And sociologist Robert Ardrey who enumerated these needs maintained that we need stimulation throughout our lives to be emotionally healthy. We need to encounter new ideas, new people, new locations, new songs, new works of art to feel and be truly alive. If you’re creative at all, you know that it’s nearly impossible to create out of a sense of boredom.

But let’s also agree that stimulation, like many other beneficial things, is subject to misuse. We can seek sensation and experiences as a substitute for a healthy sense of identity and or security. We can use cheap imitations of genuine accomplishments to avoid potential pain or loss. We all have our favorite mindless entertainments, and we use them to get a quick hit when we’re procrastinating. I can find no shortage of articles to read when I should be writing, for example. But why do we do this?

Paging Dr. Zimbardo

In his TED Talk titled The Demise of Guys, Dr. Philip Zimbardo explains that westerners, men in particular, have essentially re-wired their brains through consumption of visual media. He says that excessive screen time — particularly web surfing, porn and video games — has created what he calls arousal addiction. This type of addiction creates a powerful craving for novelty — that is, for more and different stimulation. He contrasts this with drug addictions, where the desire is for increased quantities of the same substance.

Your brain on stimulation

So what happens when our brains are stimulated in this way? The arousal response results in production of the neurotransmitter dopamine. It’s powerful stuff. Dopamine lights up the brain’s pleasure/reward center and it is part of the neurochemical mechanism of motivation. When you’re producing dopamine you are receiving a naturally occurring positive reinforcement that will cause you to repeat the behavior that created the reward. If you’re generating product or creating something positive, this can be an engine of prosperity. But what if you’re reinforcing the pursuit of pleasure for its own sake?

When a man exposes his brain to excessive stimulation — via junk food, gambling, porn, or video games — dopamine production increases radically. The producers of this stuff know it. In the same way water flowing downhill creates a gouge, then a gully, excessive dopamine creates its own pleasure pathway — a landing pad that demands more traffic. As Zimbardo explains, the desire is for greater variety, not just more of the same. The recipe for loneliness then is: Indulge, rewire your brain, and isolate yourself.

Nothing new under the sun

Man’s tendency to seek too much of a good thing didn’t start with the advent of the internet, any more than his tendency toward violence began with the invention of machine guns. However, the ability to create large-scale impacts in a very short period of time is a product of technological progress. Men have always been fascinated by sex, but the anonymity of the internet has provided access to far more images far more frequently. Zimbardo claims the average man views 50 pornographic video clips per week. If so, the effects of arousal addiction are likely to be more widespread and more profound

But let’s go back to the root of all this: we need stimulation, and we are biochemically wired to reward ourselves for it. The feeling of accomplishment when you achieve a goal, complete a project, take a trophy buck, or ask that cute girl for her number — that’s all proper and a result of dopamine doing its job. This is natural and beneficial in its proper place and proportion.

I submit to you that the problem is seeking that dopamine rush without doing the difficult work that leads to legitimate rewards. Each of us has a mission, and we need to be at our respective posts. Faithfulness brings a good reward. Shirking your duty to chase shiny objects leads to all kinds of calamity. Let’s look at an example from ancient history.

Oh look — a squirrel

In chapter 11 of 2 Samuel, there’s a famous story of a king seeking stimulation in the wrong places. It goes like this:

In the spring of the year, the time when kings go out to battle, David sent Joab, and his servants with him, and all Israel. And they ravaged the Ammonites and besieged Rabbah. But David remained at Jerusalem.

It happened, late one afternoon, when David arose from his couch and was walking on the roof of the king’s house, that he saw from the roof a woman bathing; and the woman was very beautiful. And David sent and inquired about the woman. And one said, “Is not this Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam, the wife of Uriah the Hittite?” So David sent messengers and took her, and she came to him, and he lay with her. (Now she had been purifying herself from her uncleanness.) Then she returned to her house.  And the woman conceived, and she sent and told David, “I am pregnant.”

So David sent word to Joab, “Send me Uriah the Hittite.” And Joab sent Uriah to David. When Uriah came to him, David asked how Joab was doing and how the people were doing and how the war was going. Then David said to Uriah, “Go down to your house and wash your feet.” And Uriah went out of the king’s house, and there followed him a present from the king. But Uriah slept at the door of the king’s house with all the servants of his lord, and did not go down to his house. When they told David, “Uriah did not go down to his house,” David said to Uriah, “Have you not come from a journey? Why did you not go down to your house?” Uriah said to David, “The ark and Israel and Judah dwell in booths, and my lord Joab and the servants of my lord are camping in the open field. Shall I then go to my house, to eat and to drink and to lie with my wife? As you live, and as your soul lives, I will not do this thing.” Then David said to Uriah, “Remain here today also, and tomorrow I will send you back.” So Uriah remained in Jerusalem that day and the next. And David invited him, and he ate in his presence and drank, so that he made him drunk. And in the evening he went out to lie on his couch with the servants of his lord, but he did not go down to his house.

In the morning David wrote a letter to Joab and sent it by the hand of Uriah. In the letter he wrote, “Set Uriah in the forefront of the hardest fighting, and then draw back from him, that he may be struck down, and die.” And as Joab was besieging the city, he assigned Uriah to the place where he knew there were valiant men. And the men of the city came out and fought with Joab, and some of the servants of David among the people fell. Uriah the Hittite also died. Then Joab sent and told David all the news about the fighting. And he instructed the messenger, “When you have finished telling all the news about the fighting to the king, then, if the king’s anger rises, and if he says to you, ‘Why did you go so near the city to fight? Did you not know that they would shoot from the wall? Who killed Abimelech the son of Jerubbesheth? Did not a woman cast an upper millstone on him from the wall, so that he died at Thebez? Why did you go so near the wall?’ then you shall say, ‘Your servant Uriah the Hittite is dead also.’”

So the messenger went and came and told David all that Joab had sent him to tell. The messenger said to David, “The men gained an advantage over us and came out against us in the field, but we drove them back to the entrance of the gate. Then the archers shot at your servants from the wall. Some of the king’s servants are dead, and your servant Uriah the Hittite is dead also.” David said to the messenger, “Thus shall you say to Joab, ‘Do not let this matter displease you, for the sword devours now one and now another. Strengthen your attack against the city and overthrow it.’ And encourage him.”

When the wife of Uriah heard that Uriah her husband was dead, she lamented over her husband. And when the mourning was over, David sent and brought her to his house, and she became his wife and bore him a son. But the thing that David had done displeased the Lord.”

Go to school on David, or learn your own painful lessons

It almost looks like the plot of a Hollywood thriller, doesn’t it? Voyeurism, lust, adultery, conspiracy, murder, corruption, and a cover-up. None of it necessary.

Notice first that King David was at home when he should have been on the battlefield with his army. Maybe he had been too successful too soon, or maybe he had gotten bored with winning. No matter the reason he was casting about on his roof, spying on his neighbor’s wife as she bathed. Maybe she was bored, too, and wanted the excitement of an affair with the powerful king next door. Perhaps. But if he had been faithful to his mission, his men, and his God, he wouldn’t have been there in the first place.

There’s more to the story, and I urge you to read on in 2 Samuel. You can start here. But I want to encourage you — and me — to get solid on your identity and your purpose, and avoid the cheap buzz that fake stimulation creates.

Be a producer, not a consumer

If you are in the grip of one of the fake stimuli, I challenge you to quit being a consumer and to begin to produce, to create. You know your gifts, spend your time seeking the rewards of genuine accomplishment by making something that others can enjoy or from which they can benefit. Create sculptures, paint pictures, plant gardens, paint houses, tell stories, write songs, stage plays, serve others. And learn to enjoy the satisfaction of real rewards.

So how about you? How are you experiencing accomplishment and avoiding arousal addiction? Add your comments below.

“I could never take a chance
Of losing love to find romance
In the mysterious distance
Between a man and a woman.”    -U2

As the saying goes, men think about sex roughly every seven seconds.  Sometimes it can seem like more frequently than that!  Whether that is the reason or not, our entertainment, our politics and even our spiritual life is influenced in some way by sex.  Everybody knows sex is a big deal, but why is this so?  Here are four reasons:

They were made for each other!

It’s Hard-wired Biology

The biological drive is an essential part of our design.  Human beings and animals alike have powerful urges to reproduce.  In our 21st century western abundance, we are less consciously concerned with passing along our genetic material, but we are still able to be influenced, even controlled by our ids.  Consider the number of ads that appeal to our curiosity or desire using sexual or suggestive images, and it’s clear we are in the grip of something powerful

It’s High-Stakes

Sex is a big deal because it has far-reaching consequences in nearly every case.  This is as it should be with anything so valuable.  Think first about the proper (i.e., moral) uses of sex.  First, procreation is not a bug; it’s a feature.  Anything that can result in new life is undeniably powerful.  Second, the marriage bed is intended to strengthen the bonds between a husband and wife.  Marriage as designed by God and explained in scripture is intended to be a covenant that lasts as long as he and she live.  Given all the ways two people can disagree, this unifying aspect of sex is necessarily strong.

Another facet of this unifying effect is the physiochemical bonding that occurs through sexual contact.  In intercourse, the man’s seed contains substances that cause the woman to bond with him.  Under ideal circumstances, her husband will be the only one to be sexually intimate with her, and she will bond only with him.  Also, their sexual union combines their microbiomes — the microorganisms that live in and on you, but aren’t you.

The misuse of sex doesn’t mean that it no longer has a legitimate purpose, but this misuse also carries significant consequences.  Out of wedlock births now account for 41% of live births in the US, and roughly half of US children are growing up in single-parent homes.  The resulting fatherlessness affects young men in ways we are only beginning to recognize.  All because of the misappropriation of sex.  Let’s also note that epidemics of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) mean that you have better odds playing Russian roulette.  The dangers of misusing sex also include stalkers and jealous lovers.

As I mentioned above, in addition to fertilizing an ovum, a man’s semen promotes pair bonding.  If however a woman has had multiple sex partners, this effect can be diminished, as she effectively becomes inoculated.  A study I have read suggests that a woman’s likelihood of divorcing her husband increases dramatically according to the number of her prior sex partners (her “N”). An N greater than two results in a 54% probability of divorce — and it increases from there.  Choose wisely, men.

It’s Transcendent

Sex as a part of marriage is an earthly — and earthy —  picture of divine love.  Theologically astute readers will recognize that the book of Revelation in the Bible refers to the wedding supper of the lamb at the end of days.  This describes the union of Christ and His bride, the church.  The physical union of a man and his wife is also a spiritual joining — of the two becoming one.  Their climax takes each beyond himself or herself, fulfilling not only the desire for release, but also the deep desire for transcendence itself.  No wonder it occupies so much of our thought life.

It’s Private and It’s Everybody’s Business

We hold sex in such high regard because it is the most intimate and exclusive of relationships..  In its particulars, it is absolutely meant to be shared only by the husband and the wife.  At the same time, their community has a vital interest in their proper use of sex.  This is because the formation of stable families is the best method for ensuring a stable and harmonious culture.  Applied faithfully and intentionally, the biblical model for the family is demonstrably better for the rearing of healthy, well-adjusted and moral children.

As I’ve said in a previous post, sex is like a river.  Within its banks, it can give life to an entire community.  If it exceeds its banks, the devastation that results can destroy individuals, families and communities, if not nations.

So how about you?  Recognizing that sex is a big deal, how do you intend to keep it in its proper place?  Share your thoughts below.

“Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, ‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.’” – Hebrews 13:4-5 (NIV)

Hugh Hefner, the founder and publisher of Playboy Magazine died last week at the age of 91. If you wonder how our culture became tolerant of pornography of increasing explicitness and ubiquity, you can thank Mr. Hefner for his significant contributions.

Sign of the times — thanks, Hef.

Following Hefner’s death, it seemed nearly every news organization published a gushing tribute to the man and his legacy. If you want to read them, there’s this thing called the Internet and I’m sure you can find them. But in scanning the headlines that reported Hugh Hefner’s death, one headline caught my eye. It said, “Hugh Hefner’s first wife CHEATED on him — a betrayal which gave birth to his Playboy lifestyle.”

The article reports that Hefner and his fiancée had been saving themselves for marriage, but that while he was serving in the army during World War II, she confessed to him she’d had sex with another man. They married in spite of this, but their marriage ended in divorce four years later. About the infidelity, he said,”That was the most devastating moment in my life.”

Why are we talking about this?

If you’re a regular reader here (thank you!) you know I always have a reason. Hefner said his then-fiancée’s being with another man cast a shadow over his marriage. “After that, I always felt in a sense that the other guy was in bed with us, too.” And although his wife, guilt-ridden, encouraged/allowed him to sleep with other women, ultimately, Hugh Hefner became an enemy of sexual morality.

He started Playboy magazine in 1953 and sought to make eroticism socially acceptable by publishing photos of nude women alongside interviews, music reviews, essays, and short stories.  In addition to the magazine, Hefner promoted what he called the Playboy philosophy, which as you’d imagine took a dim view of monogamy.

So here we have a man whose woman was unfaithful, whose marriage didn’t last, and whose life’s work discouraged others from being faithful in marriage.

The wound and its interpretation

Brent Curtis and John Eldredge’s book The Sacred Romance, and Eldredge’s later book Wild at Heart discuss in some detail what they refer to as “the message of the arrows.”  Each of us, they say, receives a wound, and that wound pierces us in a vulnerable part of our heart and soul. We try to make sense of it, and we get a lot of “help” from the world, the flesh, and the devil. Most of us regard the wound as something shameful, and we internalize it and never take it to our Heavenly Father to let Him heal it. Instead we make a vow to never let ourselves get hurt that way again. And this gives way to the false self.

A man’s question

More from Wild at Heart: Eldredge explains that every boy longs to receive the masculine blessing — to know that he is a man and that he has what it takes. That blessing should come from a boy’s own father, or perhaps his grandfather, uncle, or godfather. It is the conferring of manhood, so it should come from men. But bad things happen when a man seeks to validate his masculinity in the arms of a woman, or women. To quote Eldredge verbatim:

“When a man takes his question to the woman what happens is either addiction or emasculation. Usually both.”

Back to Hefner

Do you see this pattern playing out in the life of Hugh Hefner? Clearly, he wanted his wife to validate him as a man. Her sleeping with another man created a wound in that most vulnerable part of him. The false self that became his identity was that of the Lothario, the playboy, the stud — able to get any woman he wanted. This turned out to be partially true. He could get all the women he could bribe with plastic surgery. And he could keep all the ones who were willing to put out in exchange for an “allowance.” But ultimately, this wounded man sought to medicate himself with women’s bodies and Viagra. Pretty sad.

But the worst thing was that this man’s false self contaminated our culture and created massive stumbling blocks for generations of men. Each one of us is responsible for his own choices and actions, but notice how personal choices affect others. How many of our grandfathers, fathers, brothers — and how many of us — have given in to the temptation offered by Hugh Hefner and his imitators? How many of us grew up with absent dads imbued with the Playboy philosophy?  How many of us are in the chains of sexual addiction through promiscuity, pornography, or both?

May God grant us the grace to overcome the sorry legacy of Hugh Hefner and walk free in the glorious light of Christ Jesus. May we seek and find our identity in Him. And may we pass on a better legacy to our sons and daughters. If we truly believe God is for us and will never leave us, we can find contentment whether married or single.

So how about you? How have you gotten your question answered? Do you need a reboot? Share your story or add your comments below.

“Marriage is the graduate school of service.” – Pastor David Chadwick

I’ve made no secret of my belief in marriage. Mrs. Booth and I have been married for nearly 32 years, with the struggles and joys that come with being married that long. It has been and is a great thing and I love being married to my wife.

And I admit that the climate for marriage in the west is hostile in many ways. From taxes that penalize marriage economically, to family courts that incentivize women to file for divorce from their husbands, to cultural Marxist feminism that seeks to destroy “the patriarchy” by destroying men, there is plenty of evidence to support a man’s decision not to marry. But let’s revisit one of my favorite axioms:

Abuse doesn’t invalidate use.

Marriage is to be kept pure…

The occasions when men commit murder with hammers doesn’t justify banning hammers or outlawing carpentry. The widespread misuse of the institution of marriage — from cohabitation and out-of-wedlock births, through frivolous no-fault divorce — doesn’t mean that marriage has forfeited its divine purpose.

Back to the beginning

If we look to the creation narrative in the second chapter of the Old Testament book of Genesis, we see that God had created the universe, placing man, whom he had made in his own image, at the top of the created order. God pronounced it good. But when he saw that he had made suitable mates for all the other creatures except man, God said, “it is not good that man should be alone.”

After evaluating every other type of creature and not finding a mate, a companion, a wife for the man, Adam, God did something remarkable. He put Adam to sleep and took flesh and bone from his side, making from them a woman, whom Adam called Eve. Note that up to this point, Adam was the bearer of the full imago dei — the image of God. In this, Adam reflected masculinity and femininity as God does. But when God created Eve to be Adam’s helper, his (in Hebrew) ezer kenegdo — literally his “life saver” — God split into two parts the imago dei, investing maleness and masculine strength in the man and investing femaleness and feminine beauty and tenderness in the woman. This is important, because Genesis 2:24-25 says this:

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

This one-flesh union, this intimate knowing, free of guilt and shame is the heart of marriage.

Breaking it down

Note the lack of self-consciousness and self-regard in this first marriage. Their nakedness and vulnerability was not something to exploit for advantage, rather it was open and generous. It cannot have been otherwise, as the one-flesh union would not have existed if Adam had not given himself to Eve, and Eve had not given herself to her husband.

Now it’s broken down

Have you noticed in our culture’s stories how marital sex is nearly always portrayed as a chore to be avoided, while affairs and other forms of sexual behavior appear exciting?  If I say the word monogamy, do you regard the concept as a positive or a negative one? Why? If you’re married, did your friends try to talk you out of it, citing the endless novelty of hookups compared to loving one woman for life? Part of this inversion is the distortion of our world through sin. So a loyal wife seems boring to her husband, compared to the women at his office, and an aloof cad is seemingly irresistible compared to a wife’s dependable husband.  This is why King Solomon wrote in Proverbs 9:16, “Stolen water is sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant.” But note this: Just because a forbidden thing is appealing doesn’t mean you shouldn’t avoid it. (See also poison mushrooms.)

Reacquiring the trail

If you dread the idea of marriage, in the present or the future, I want to encourage you to re-establish a biblical view of marriage. First, note that biblical marriage is a covenant rather than a contract. This is not a legal instrument between two consenting parties that can be broken at will. Among God’s people, a covenant is a binding, irrevocable joining between God and his people. There are obligations, but failure to perform doesn’t justify an exit.

It is true that you have the duty of spiritual headship, and the responsibility to shepherd, protect, and provide for your wife and children, and those obligations demand lifelong faithfulness. It is also true that you can expect to enjoy the marriage bed — sex — with your wife and the two of you have a responsibility to maintain this aspect of your marriage — especially when kiddos enter the picture. Check out Proverbs 5:15-19 for just one biblical encouragement in this area.

The ratio

Before Mrs. Booth and I married, an older friend took me aside and said, “I know you think marriage is a 50/50 proposition. It isn’t. It’s 100/100. It takes both of you giving it 100% for it to work.” I have learned that friend was 100% correct. And this brings us to service.

A generous spirit requires bravery

An unpleasant aspect of our times is the wariness that leads to near-constant score-keeping. We are willing to give, as long as we get, but heaven help the one who takes and never gives. Does that sound familiar? In marriage, we have to overcome the fear and serve each other generously. Even if you’re afraid you won’t get anything out of it, serve.

In Paul’s letter to the church at Ephesus, the apostle instructed wives to submit to their husbands, but he instructed husbands to love their wives the way Christ loved the church. In case you’re unfamiliar with the story, he died for her. Obviously, marriage is one of those things where you must be present to win, so what does this sacrificial service look like in the realm of mortals?

Here’s an example

In the fewest words, it means put others first. If you do this, God notices. And He is able to reward you. But I promised you an example.

If you haven’t seen the video for Andra Day’s song Rise Up, it’s a great portrayal of loving service in the context of marriage. Please watch this now. I’ll wait

This video, directed by M. Night Shyamalan, conveys so much truth, and Andra Day’s vocal performance drives it home. Note the wife pouring out her life for the husband who can no longer hold her. Though her reward would seem slight compared to what she — and he — expected when they first married, this is a shining example of loving and giving 100%.

And notice, also, how the husband doesn’t quit, either. He gives the strength he has, and she appreciates it. Good art with a true message!

Not just true in stories

You may argue that Shyamalan could tell the story any way he wants, and that the video is a made-up story. Fair enough, but I have a pastor friend whose wife has Multiple Sclerosis and he serves his wife in the same manner. He cares for her and loves her like Christ loves the church — the way he promised to when they wed. And he’s not the only man I know who has cared for his wife this way. I have written before about old-school wedding vows, and this is where they prove their worth.

I know there is great risk in getting married these days. The statistics, as we’ve noted, are grim. But it is also possible to find godly, virtuous women who want to be married to godly and masculine spiritual leaders. So for God’s sake (literally), lead, love, and serve. Your children need the stability that only a covenant marriage can provide them.

God would not have commanded this of husbands if men weren’t capable of doing it. If you aren’t that sort of man yet, stick around and learn how to be one. Or message me and let’s start a discussion.

It is not good for the man to be alone, but it also important to marry the kind of woman who will stick by you — and by whom you’ll stick — when the storms come. It can be done!

So how about you? How are you leading and serving in your marriage, or preparing to lead and serve in your marriage? Add your comments below.

Commenter Dale provided a reminder recently of an important concept that deserves more attention:

“Dalrock, on his blog, has somewhat regularly been hitting the idea that we have love and marriage totally backwards. We think that a relationship of romantic love is the correct place in which to have sex and create marriage. A consequence of this ‘love first’ attitude is that we think it is reasonable, and even necessary, to end the marriage if I no longer feel romantic love. Another is the idea that it is fine to have sex with various people, without “rushing” into the marriage commitment first, as long as we are ‘really in love’.”

Exactly right.

Not your mama’s minivan…
(photo by Ondrej Supitar)

I realize this may sound strange since as the old song, Love and Marriage says, “you can’t have one without the other.” Given the popularity of this idea, it seems almost foolish to question whether love begets marriage or marriage begets love — as long as both are present, who cares? Whether the chicken or the egg came first really doesn’t matter as long as one gets to eat, right? Ah, but it does matter.

A language problem?

Part of our problem stems from a limitation in our language. As I have written elsewhere, unlike our Greek ancestors, we who speak English only have one word for love. And most often when we think of love as it relates to marriage, we think only of romantic or erotic love.

This is a bit of a category error — we are confusing a part of something for its larger whole. And the problem with regarding love as superior to marriage is that ultimately we come to regard marriage as more of a commodity, a consumer good, rather than an institution.

It takes all kinds

Romantic love (eros) is part of being human, and it is a very good thing. The initial surge of attraction and excitement between men and women is a gift from God.  It helps men and women overcome their shyness to meet and begin their courtship. They “fall in love.” But this initial euphoria has to lead somewhere — and ideally, it will mature into a marriage that includes phileo (friendship), storge (familial) and agape (unconditional) love while retaining its romantic spark. This fully realized love within marriage provides the basis for a stable home and the rearing of children, as well as maximized contentment for the husband and wife.

Marriage contains love better than love contains marriage. I hope the following word picture will help to explain it.

Cobras and carpools

Think of marriage as a racetrack and of love as a race car optimized for the track. The car will always run best — and realize its purpose most fully — on the track. All that acceleration, all that handling, all that braking and all the safety equipment is meant for the track and would simply go to waste anywhere else.

Since a race car is still a car after all, one could drive it to work, downtown, on the freeway and on the streets of a subdivision. But it is hard to imagine sitting at a stoplight or waiting in the carpool line at the kids’ school as a satisfactory experience for the driver — especially compared to the experience of the track.

Marriage is the track on which love finds its fullest expression. By contrast, trying to run marriage on the track of love places feelings — most notably those feelings of attraction or being “in love” — in a place of supremacy they do not deserve. And with predictably bad outcomes.

Running under caution

The idea that love begets marriage leads to the error that being in love makes sex moral.* And as Dale notes above, when we adopt this idea, the cooling of desire becomes justification for ending a marriage.

In my first post, I said, “Despite all the ways both institutions are imperfect, I am pro-marriage and pro-church.” I’ll stand by that. Meanwhile, I encourage you who are reading these words to consider whether you are over-exalting romantic love. It isn’t too late to get on the right track.

So how about you? How do you regard romantic love? Add your comments below.

*H/T: Dalrock

Men:  We have to talk about sex. If there’s one area where this generation is stuck, this is it.

The Water Was Dirty Before You Got In

Now, before you conclude that I’m pointing my finger at you, please realize that the Boomer cohort gave us the sexual revolution and rampant divorce, and the Gen X cohort was equally careless about sex and marriage.  But it’s even worse than that.  These are the guys who grew up to convince you that everyone but you was sexually active, to urge the women you know to emulate the worst of promiscuous men, and to offer you pornography pretty much anywhere and anytime — and all so they could separate you from your money.  If you want poor examples, the generations ahead of you are shot through with them.

Applying wisdom — that’s a horse of a different color!

So if you’re a typical American male, you were probably exposed to pornography somewhere around age ten.  But even if you didn’t see any sexually explicit magazines, videos or websites in your youth, you’ve been awash in a culture that has turned sex into a commodity devoid of any spiritual significance.  As a man who has spent much of his career in and around sales, I say it’s lazy to use sex to sell.  As bad as that is, it’s worse to be so checked out that you allow it to influence you.  There is a better way.

Meet King Solomon

In the Old Testament (that’s the first 39 books of the Bible), we meet a king named Solomon.  He was the son of King David and Bathsheba (there’s a story about the misuse of sex, right there).  When Solomon succeeded his father as the king of Israel, God told Solomon to ask him for anything.  In reply, Solomon asked for wisdom to govern God’s people.  This pleased God and he promised Solomon that no one would be wiser or more honored than he.

In addition to building the Temple in Jerusalem, Solomon reportedly had 1,000 wives and concubines.  (Here I should point out that just because the Bible describes something, it does not prescribe it.)  Solomon is also credited with several books of the Bible — Ecclesiastes, The Song of Solomon, and Proverbs.  And that brings us to the purpose of this post.

In Proverbs 5 Solomon writes this:

My son, be attentive to my wisdom;

incline your ear to my understanding,

that you may keep discretion,

and your lips may guard knowledge.

For the lips of a forbidden woman drip honey,

and her speech is smoother than oil,

but in the end she is bitter as wormwood,

sharp as a two-edged sword.

Her feet go down to death;

her steps follow the path to Sheol;

she does not ponder the path of life;

her ways wander, and she does not know it.

And now, O sons, listen to me,

and do not depart from the words of my mouth.

Keep your way far from her,

and do not go near the door of her house,

lest you give your honor to others

and your years to the merciless,

lest strangers take their fill of your strength,

and your labors go to the house of a foreigner,

and at the end of your life you groan,

when your flesh and body are consumed,

and you say, “How I hated discipline,

and my heart despised reproof!

I did not listen to the voice of my teachers

or incline my ear to my instructors.”

Be the Gatekeeper

What Difference Does It Make?

The Rest of The Story

It Isn’t Easy

So how about you?  How are you applying God’s wisdom to help you lead a chaste life?  Add your comments below.