Mrs. Booth and I celebrated our wedding anniversary this week. I am profoundly thankful for the years we have had together, and I look forward to the years ahead. The institution of marriage has suffered multiple body blows over the past several decades — and the situation is so bad I hear some of you saying you never plan to marry. You may be called to lifelong singleness, but I doubt it. So whether or not you’re able to see yourself married in the future, here are some of the lessons I’ve learned over the past 30-plus years.

Marriage is hard work…

Dating and courtship are generally good things if one remembers that he is seeking a wife. As good as these methods may be, they provide incomplete data. Nothing prepares a couple for the reality of married life. It’s different when you’ve taken vows before God and witnesses to become one for the rest of your life. Critics scoff that it’s “just a piece of paper.” They are wrong. The weight of marriage strips away the prerogatives of consumerism — you can’t legitimately trade in a wife like a used car. And the work of marriage is to work beyond the infatuation of the early years into knowing and being known through every circumstance.

…But it’s worth it

I’d fail you if I lied and said every day was like a cotton-candy scented rainbow. But the challenges my wife and I have overcome together and the high points we’ve also shared have united us in ways I can’t adequately describe. Even when money is short or work is stressing me out, having an intimate ally is a great blessing. And if you have children, having a solid marriage provides them with significant advantages in terms of their spiritual, emotional and intellectual health. All this to say, you can choose this and work toward it, and it will pay off for generations.

Marriage teaches you

Futurist George Gilder said marriage’s function was to civilize men. I don’t agree completely. I have learned over the years that marriage is, as my pastor says, the graduate school of service. If a man is to love his wife as Christ loves the church, there is a great pot of selfishness that has to die. Interestingly, that selfishness can’t die until it gets exposed. That happens in episodes over time.

If you had asked me on my wedding day if I thought I was selfish, I would have said no. I know better now, but I am still learning.

You will be tested

The old-school wedding vows exist for a reason. Our ancestors understood that our mortal condition was going to need some help. This is because hard times will come — maybe more than once. While you’re young and attraction is strong, it’s useful to have a reminder that you promised to hold on through tough times.

In our case, the first trial showed up just before our first anniversary in the form of a serious health diagnosis. It was not my finest hour as a husband. We worked through it largely because we are the sort not to enter into vows lightly. Thanks be to God!

And you will be tested

In a couple of previous posts, I have written about the husband’s role as spiritual head — as the leader — of his family. Going all the way back to the fall of man in the Garden of Eden, we see that one consequence of our fallen condition is that wives will tend toward dominating their husbands. Men who go along with this tendency rather than lovingly leading their wives can expect to see a loss in respect and attraction on the part of their wives. Understand that the tests a wife throws your way are her way of making sure she has chosen — and still has — the best of men. Leading helps her remember.

There is no magic number

A former colleague brought me to this realization when he explained that he and his wife got divorced after 20 years. “How?” I wondered,”Why?” I couldn’t understand how after all that time they could decide they could no longer stand being married to each other. He said they simply grew apart.

I still find that answer unsatisfying, but it galvanized my view that there is no point in your marriage when you can begin to coast or take your wife for granted. As the man, strive always to be your best. This means getting and staying fit, dressing well for your body type, and maintaining your intellectual and spiritual health as well. Continue to grow and you’ll remain interesting. This will help to maintain her attraction to you. And this will motivate her toward all kinds of good things.

It also means you Have a Plan and a mission, and that you invite your wife to join you in your quest. A quiet evening at home can be great for your marriage. Don’t just come home and flop on the couch by default. Have adventures together. Continue to initiate and to pursue her — in and out of the bedroom.

People say passion fades. I disagree.

Your mileage may vary

I have been married to one — and only one — woman, so understand that what my wife likes may or may not be the same as what your wife likes. Getting to know his own wife is a man’s greatest joy. It takes time, but that’s a good thing because you stay married a day at a time — and you’re aiming for a lifetime.

Likewise, measure what I or any man offers in the way of marriage advice against God’s word and use your God-given sense. I am aware that there are pitfalls in and around marriage — and I have been far from perfect as a husband. Still, I cannot imagine my life any other way, and I thank God again for blessing me with such a wife.

So how about you? How do you plan to build a strong and durable marriage? What lessons have you learned? Add your comments below.

“Rain and storm and dark skies
Well now they don’t mean a thing
If you got a girl that loves you
And who wants to wear your ring
So c’mon mister trouble
We’ll make it through you somehow
We’ll fill this house with all the love
All that heaven will allow”
-Bruce Springsteen “All That Heaven Will Allow”

I have the privilege of attending a lot of wedding functions.  Many of my paying gigs are wedding receptions, and as a result I get to meet with brides and grooms and get to know them a little.   Sometimes I get to offer recommendations regarding the reception.  So far nobody has asked me what I recommend in the way of wedding vows, but if they did,  I would absolutely recommend the traditional vows as they appear in the Book of Common Prayer:

The priest is dead, the church burned down, the groom lost his hair, but they’re still in love and still married.

The Declaration of Consent

The Celebrant says to the woman

N., will you have this man to be your husband; to live
together in the covenant of marriage?  Will you love him,
comfort him, honor and keep him, in sickness and in health;
and, forsaking all others, be faithful to him as long as you
both shall live?

The Woman answers
I will.

The Celebrant says to the man

N., will you have this woman to be your wife; to live
together in the covenant of marriage?  Will you love her,
comfort her, honor and keep her, in sickness and in health;
and, forsaking all others, be faithful to her as long as you
both shall live?

The Man answers
I will.

 

The Marriage

The Man, facing the woman and taking her right hand in his, says

In the Name of God, I, N., take you, N., to be my wife, to
have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse,
for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to
cherish, until we are parted by death.  This is my solemn vow.

Then they loose their hands, and the Woman, still facing the man, takes
his right hand in hers, and says

In the Name of God, I, N., take you, N., to be my husband,
to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for
worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love
and to cherish, until we are parted by death.  This is my
solemn vow.

The loose their hands.

The Priest may ask God’s blessing on a ring or rings as follows

Bless, O Lord, this ring to be a sign of the vows by which
this man and this woman have bound themselves to each
other; through Jesus Christ our Lord.  Amen.

The giver places the ring on the ring-finger of the other’s hand and says

N., I give you this ring as a symbol of my vow, and with all
that I am, and all that I have, I honor you, in the Name of
the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit (or in the
Name of God).”

First things

Note first that these are vows — solemn promises made first to God, then to each other.  A covenant between the two of you and Almighty God is binding, so the words you speak are important.  I recommend that you and your fiancée study them carefully and mean them when you say them to each other.

Why old-school vows are the best

Did you think I forgot the purpose of this post?  Old-school wedding vows address eight important facets of what marriage is. Here’s my list — feel free to add your insights below:

• Consent

  • — This is a big topic these days.  Traditional vows ask the woman first if she indeed agrees to take her fiancé as her husband.  Then he gets to answer the same question regarding his intention to take her as his wife.

• Duties

  • – Each is to love, comfort, honor and keep the other.  He’s not getting a maid; she’s not getting a butler.

• Faithfulness

  • — Under Heaven, she is to be his highest priority, and he is to be hers.  God is joining you for His purposes and he means for you to remain devoted to each other.  No hall passes or elevator lists.  Nobody on the side.

• Personal

  • – Note the marriage begins with “I, George, take you, Martha, to be my wife.”  The speaking of each other’s names and the choosing of each other verbally is powerful.

• Intimate

  • – “To have and to hold” refers to the importance of the marriage bed over the course of your  life together.  Notice this phrase appears twice in a very short span of time.  It’s that important.

• Exclusive

  • – This is what “forsaking all others” means.  Husbands and wives are to look to each other for the deepest intimacy.  Nobody — not mom and dad, not the kids, not the pastor, not the boss, not former girlfriends, not current friends — is to come before the obligations to love and care for each other

• Forever

  • — “Until we are parted by death” or “As long as we both shall live,” as it is also sometimes said.  Please note: Some couples revise this to “As long as we both shall love.” Barf!  This is essentially saying “I promise until I no longer promise.”  If you can’t commit for life, perhaps you shouldn’t get married.

• No matter what

  • — Notice that the vows spell out the range of conditions a couple can experience — sickness and health; plenty and want; prosperity and adversity — and note that the expectation remains the same regardless of bank balance or blood pressure.

The big idea

If you believe that marriage is given as a sign of the relationship between Christ and the Church, the you can see that the love and devotion due one’s spouse is unconditional.

Someone once asked me, “If you could have all that Heaven is — but without God, would you take it?”  I answered that a Heaven without God would be Hell itself.  It’s a great question for clarifying our motives.

Traditional wedding vows are designed to get at a similar idea.  If health, money, looks, and all the fun dried up, would she be enough?  Would she think you’re enough?   Anything other than a firm yes here spells trouble.

When we perform for newlyweds, I nearly always tell them that marriage is hard work, but it’s worth it.  I stand by that.  If you and your beloved make solid vows and take them seriously, this will help you do the hard but worthwhile work of marriage.

So how about you? What sort of vows do you plan to use for your wedding and why?  Add your comments below.

“The increasing complexity and precariousness of our economic life have forced Government to take over many spheres of activity once left to choice or chance. Our intellectuals have surrendered first to the slave-philosophy of Hegel, then to Marx, finally to the linguistic analysts.”
– C. S. Lewis from “Willing Slaves of the Welfare State”

Last fall, David Horowitz’s FrontPage Mag published an article by Mallory Millett titled “Marxist Feminism’s Ruined Lives.”   The article described what Millett saw as a young divorcée in the 1960’s at the birth of the modern (second-wave) feminist movement, and the toll it took on her and others.   Millett’s older sister Kate Millett was one of the key figures in the movement — Kate Millett and her book Sexual Politics deserve full credit for helping spawn women’s studies programs in nearly every American university.

It’s a trap!

The unholy litany

In her article, Mallory Millett describes a meeting she attended with her sister — a Marxist consciousness-raising event that included a call-and-response chant between the leader and those in attendance.  According to (Mallory) Millett, it went like this:

“‘Why are we here today?” she asked.
“To make revolution,” they answered.
“What kind of revolution?” she replied.
“The Cultural Revolution,” they chanted.
“And how do we make Cultural Revolution?” she demanded.
“By destroying the American family!” they answered.
“How do we destroy the family?” she came back.
“By destroying the American Patriarch,” they cried exuberantly.
“And how do we destroy the American Patriarch?” she replied.
“By taking away his power!”
“How do we do that?”
“By destroying monogamy!” they shouted.
“How can we destroy monogamy?”

Their answer left me dumbstruck, breathless, disbelieving my ears.  Was I on planet earth?  Who were these people?

“By promoting promiscuity, eroticism, prostitution and homosexuality!” they resounded.

Surprise! You’re a target

Did you understand that if you are or intend to be a husband and a father — a patriarch — that you are also a target?  According to the Marxist feminists, it would only be possible to supplant the culture of the United States by destroying the family as its central institution, and it would only be possible to destroy the family by destroying its spiritual head.  That would be you and me.

Why are we talking about this?

I recognize that this is a bit off the normal track for this blog, but we have discussed the ongoing crisis in masculinity, and the need for us to become men who live out of our masculine strength.  Now perhaps you see what is at stake.  We always want to offer practical encouragement here, and this post is no different.  If I sent you on an errand, and I knew there was danger along the route, I would tell you — consider this a friendly warning.

In the same way you wouldn’t enter a lacrosse game without your helmet, pads, gloves and stick (and, of course,  your cup), you must go into today’s classrooms, workplaces  and entertainments aware of the plan to destroy men.  So consider the aim is to take you out, to neutralize your masculine strength, to render you powerless, impotent, emasculated and ineffective.  Worst of all, the plan is not to overpower you, but to entice you into surrendering.

What time is it?

Men, it’s late.  If you are in doubt about the effectiveness of this strategy, consider your own opinions and attitudes concerning promiscuity, eroticism, prostitution and homosexuality — and how they may have changed in the past ten years.  Now consider the opinions and attitudes of your friends, classmates and colleagues.  Next consider the messages concerning these four forces that you’ve encountered in classrooms, news articles and reports, in movies and television programs and in social media.

As you see, America has undergone a cataclysmic change in its mores since the consciousness-raising event attended by Mallory Millett.

Is it hopeless? 

• Don’t take the bait — These weapons only work on you if you let them.  Sexual sin is tempting, but recognize what’s behind it and take the long view.
• Clean up your diet — Don’t feed your mind with stories and images that undermine your masculine strength, or that promote your destruction.
• Audit the institutions you’re part of — Use your freedom of association to find, found or fund organizations that promote and value authentic masculinity.  (This is why I’m on this corner of the internet, by the way.)   If you need to change churches, employers, schools, vote with your feet.  When you realize you’ve stepped onto the conveyor belt at the slaughterhouse, you have every right to step off of it.
• Enlist allies — find brothers who are committed to the same values.  Not all women are on board with the destruction of the family.  Find them.  As I pointed out previously, the popularity of Fifty Shades of Grey — although promoting promiscuity and eroticism — repudiates Marxist feminism’s anti-masculine aims, since the audience seems keenly interested in a dominant man.
• Build your body and your mind — You are on your way to becoming the best possible version of yourself, aren’t you?  You need strength to withstand the allure of temptation in every form.
• Challenge the assumptions — As you encounter these anti-male ideas, be prepared to question their origins and their legitimacy.  Don’t be afraid to point out the consequences of four-plus decades of Marxist feminism and ask if we’re better off in any way.
• Reform your manners — English abolitionist, William Wilberforce, worked until the day he died for the abolition of slavery and for “the reformation of manners.”  As men, we should take up this cause and make it our own.   If you’re married, start by leading your family, even if it’s difficult.  Let’s reform our own character after that of Jesus, and work to liberate men and women in the clutches of these destructive forces.  Just by living fearlessly and unabashedly as a man, you’ll cause others to find their courage.  We can do this with God’s help.

So how about you?  In what ways have you gone along with the plan for your own destruction?  How do you intend to regain your strength?  Add your comments below.

“Marriage is the graduate school of service.” – Pastor David Chadwick

I’ve made no secret of my belief in marriage. Mrs. Booth and I have been married for nearly 32 years, with the struggles and joys that come with being married that long. It has been and is a great thing and I love being married to my wife.

And I admit that the climate for marriage in the west is hostile in many ways. From taxes that penalize marriage economically, to family courts that incentivize women to file for divorce from their husbands, to cultural Marxist feminism that seeks to destroy “the patriarchy” by destroying men, there is plenty of evidence to support a man’s decision not to marry. But let’s revisit one of my favorite axioms:

Abuse doesn’t invalidate use.

Marriage is to be kept pure…

The occasions when men commit murder with hammers doesn’t justify banning hammers or outlawing carpentry. The widespread misuse of the institution of marriage — from cohabitation and out-of-wedlock births, through frivolous no-fault divorce — doesn’t mean that marriage has forfeited its divine purpose.

Back to the beginning

If we look to the creation narrative in the second chapter of the Old Testament book of Genesis, we see that God had created the universe, placing man, whom he had made in his own image, at the top of the created order. God pronounced it good. But when he saw that he had made suitable mates for all the other creatures except man, God said, “it is not good that man should be alone.”

After evaluating every other type of creature and not finding a mate, a companion, a wife for the man, Adam, God did something remarkable. He put Adam to sleep and took flesh and bone from his side, making from them a woman, whom Adam called Eve. Note that up to this point, Adam was the bearer of the full imago dei — the image of God. In this, Adam reflected masculinity and femininity as God does. But when God created Eve to be Adam’s helper, his (in Hebrew) ezer kenegdo — literally his “life saver” — God split into two parts the imago dei, investing maleness and masculine strength in the man and investing femaleness and feminine beauty and tenderness in the woman. This is important, because Genesis 2:24-25 says this:

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

This one-flesh union, this intimate knowing, free of guilt and shame is the heart of marriage.

Breaking it down

Note the lack of self-consciousness and self-regard in this first marriage. Their nakedness and vulnerability was not something to exploit for advantage, rather it was open and generous. It cannot have been otherwise, as the one-flesh union would not have existed if Adam had not given himself to Eve, and Eve had not given herself to her husband.

Now it’s broken down

Have you noticed in our culture’s stories how marital sex is nearly always portrayed as a chore to be avoided, while affairs and other forms of sexual behavior appear exciting?  If I say the word monogamy, do you regard the concept as a positive or a negative one? Why? If you’re married, did your friends try to talk you out of it, citing the endless novelty of hookups compared to loving one woman for life? Part of this inversion is the distortion of our world through sin. So a loyal wife seems boring to her husband, compared to the women at his office, and an aloof cad is seemingly irresistible compared to a wife’s dependable husband.  This is why King Solomon wrote in Proverbs 9:16, “Stolen water is sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant.” But note this: Just because a forbidden thing is appealing doesn’t mean you shouldn’t avoid it. (See also poison mushrooms.)

Reacquiring the trail

If you dread the idea of marriage, in the present or the future, I want to encourage you to re-establish a biblical view of marriage. First, note that biblical marriage is a covenant rather than a contract. This is not a legal instrument between two consenting parties that can be broken at will. Among God’s people, a covenant is a binding, irrevocable joining between God and his people. There are obligations, but failure to perform doesn’t justify an exit.

It is true that you have the duty of spiritual headship, and the responsibility to shepherd, protect, and provide for your wife and children, and those obligations demand lifelong faithfulness. It is also true that you can expect to enjoy the marriage bed — sex — with your wife and the two of you have a responsibility to maintain this aspect of your marriage — especially when kiddos enter the picture. Check out Proverbs 5:15-19 for just one biblical encouragement in this area.

The ratio

Before Mrs. Booth and I married, an older friend took me aside and said, “I know you think marriage is a 50/50 proposition. It isn’t. It’s 100/100. It takes both of you giving it 100% for it to work.” I have learned that friend was 100% correct. And this brings us to service.

A generous spirit requires bravery

An unpleasant aspect of our times is the wariness that leads to near-constant score-keeping. We are willing to give, as long as we get, but heaven help the one who takes and never gives. Does that sound familiar? In marriage, we have to overcome the fear and serve each other generously. Even if you’re afraid you won’t get anything out of it, serve.

In Paul’s letter to the church at Ephesus, the apostle instructed wives to submit to their husbands, but he instructed husbands to love their wives the way Christ loved the church. In case you’re unfamiliar with the story, he died for her. Obviously, marriage is one of those things where you must be present to win, so what does this sacrificial service look like in the realm of mortals?

Here’s an example

In the fewest words, it means put others first. If you do this, God notices. And He is able to reward you. But I promised you an example.

If you haven’t seen the video for Andra Day’s song Rise Up, it’s a great portrayal of loving service in the context of marriage. Please watch this now. I’ll wait

This video, directed by M. Night Shyamalan, conveys so much truth, and Andra Day’s vocal performance drives it home. Note the wife pouring out her life for the husband who can no longer hold her. Though her reward would seem slight compared to what she — and he — expected when they first married, this is a shining example of loving and giving 100%.

And notice, also, how the husband doesn’t quit, either. He gives the strength he has, and she appreciates it. Good art with a true message!

Not just true in stories

You may argue that Shyamalan could tell the story any way he wants, and that the video is a made-up story. Fair enough, but I have a pastor friend whose wife has Multiple Sclerosis and he serves his wife in the same manner. He cares for her and loves her like Christ loves the church — the way he promised to when they wed. And he’s not the only man I know who has cared for his wife this way. I have written before about old-school wedding vows, and this is where they prove their worth.

I know there is great risk in getting married these days. The statistics, as we’ve noted, are grim. But it is also possible to find godly, virtuous women who want to be married to godly and masculine spiritual leaders. So for God’s sake (literally), lead, love, and serve. Your children need the stability that only a covenant marriage can provide them.

God would not have commanded this of husbands if men weren’t capable of doing it. If you aren’t that sort of man yet, stick around and learn how to be one. Or message me and let’s start a discussion.

It is not good for the man to be alone, but it also important to marry the kind of woman who will stick by you — and by whom you’ll stick — when the storms come. It can be done!

So how about you? How are you leading and serving in your marriage, or preparing to lead and serve in your marriage? Add your comments below.

“I could never take a chance
Of losing love to find romance
In the mysterious distance
Between a man and a woman.”    -U2

As the saying goes, men think about sex roughly every seven seconds.  Sometimes it can seem like more frequently than that!  Whether that is the reason or not, our entertainment, our politics and even our spiritual life is influenced in some way by sex.  Everybody knows sex is a big deal, but why is this so?  Here are four reasons:

They were made for each other!

It’s Hard-wired Biology

The biological drive is an essential part of our design.  Human beings and animals alike have powerful urges to reproduce.  In our 21st century western abundance, we are less consciously concerned with passing along our genetic material, but we are still able to be influenced, even controlled by our ids.  Consider the number of ads that appeal to our curiosity or desire using sexual or suggestive images, and it’s clear we are in the grip of something powerful

It’s High-Stakes

Sex is a big deal because it has far-reaching consequences in nearly every case.  This is as it should be with anything so valuable.  Think first about the proper (i.e., moral) uses of sex.  First, procreation is not a bug; it’s a feature.  Anything that can result in new life is undeniably powerful.  Second, the marriage bed is intended to strengthen the bonds between a husband and wife.  Marriage as designed by God and explained in scripture is intended to be a covenant that lasts as long as he and she live.  Given all the ways two people can disagree, this unifying aspect of sex is necessarily strong.

Another facet of this unifying effect is the physiochemical bonding that occurs through sexual contact.  In intercourse, the man’s seed contains substances that cause the woman to bond with him.  Under ideal circumstances, her husband will be the only one to be sexually intimate with her, and she will bond only with him.  Also, their sexual union combines their microbiomes — the microorganisms that live in and on you, but aren’t you.

The misuse of sex doesn’t mean that it no longer has a legitimate purpose, but this misuse also carries significant consequences.  Out of wedlock births now account for 41% of live births in the US, and roughly half of US children are growing up in single-parent homes.  The resulting fatherlessness affects young men in ways we are only beginning to recognize.  All because of the misappropriation of sex.  Let’s also note that epidemics of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) mean that you have better odds playing Russian roulette.  The dangers of misusing sex also include stalkers and jealous lovers.

As I mentioned above, in addition to fertilizing an ovum, a man’s semen promotes pair bonding.  If however a woman has had multiple sex partners, this effect can be diminished, as she effectively becomes inoculated.  A study I have read suggests that a woman’s likelihood of divorcing her husband increases dramatically according to the number of her prior sex partners (her “N”). An N greater than two results in a 54% probability of divorce — and it increases from there.  Choose wisely, men.

It’s Transcendent

Sex as a part of marriage is an earthly — and earthy —  picture of divine love.  Theologically astute readers will recognize that the book of Revelation in the Bible refers to the wedding supper of the lamb at the end of days.  This describes the union of Christ and His bride, the church.  The physical union of a man and his wife is also a spiritual joining — of the two becoming one.  Their climax takes each beyond himself or herself, fulfilling not only the desire for release, but also the deep desire for transcendence itself.  No wonder it occupies so much of our thought life.

It’s Private and It’s Everybody’s Business

We hold sex in such high regard because it is the most intimate and exclusive of relationships..  In its particulars, it is absolutely meant to be shared only by the husband and the wife.  At the same time, their community has a vital interest in their proper use of sex.  This is because the formation of stable families is the best method for ensuring a stable and harmonious culture.  Applied faithfully and intentionally, the biblical model for the family is demonstrably better for the rearing of healthy, well-adjusted and moral children.

As I’ve said in a previous post, sex is like a river.  Within its banks, it can give life to an entire community.  If it exceeds its banks, the devastation that results can destroy individuals, families and communities, if not nations.

So how about you?  Recognizing that sex is a big deal, how do you intend to keep it in its proper place?  Share your thoughts below.

“Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, ‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.’” – Hebrews 13:4-5 (NIV)

Hugh Hefner, the founder and publisher of Playboy Magazine died last week at the age of 91. If you wonder how our culture became tolerant of pornography of increasing explicitness and ubiquity, you can thank Mr. Hefner for his significant contributions.

Sign of the times — thanks, Hef.

Following Hefner’s death, it seemed nearly every news organization published a gushing tribute to the man and his legacy. If you want to read them, there’s this thing called the Internet and I’m sure you can find them. But in scanning the headlines that reported Hugh Hefner’s death, one headline caught my eye. It said, “Hugh Hefner’s first wife CHEATED on him — a betrayal which gave birth to his Playboy lifestyle.”

The article reports that Hefner and his fiancée had been saving themselves for marriage, but that while he was serving in the army during World War II, she confessed to him she’d had sex with another man. They married in spite of this, but their marriage ended in divorce four years later. About the infidelity, he said,”That was the most devastating moment in my life.”

Why are we talking about this?

If you’re a regular reader here (thank you!) you know I always have a reason. Hefner said his then-fiancée’s being with another man cast a shadow over his marriage. “After that, I always felt in a sense that the other guy was in bed with us, too.” And although his wife, guilt-ridden, encouraged/allowed him to sleep with other women, ultimately, Hugh Hefner became an enemy of sexual morality.

He started Playboy magazine in 1953 and sought to make eroticism socially acceptable by publishing photos of nude women alongside interviews, music reviews, essays, and short stories.  In addition to the magazine, Hefner promoted what he called the Playboy philosophy, which as you’d imagine took a dim view of monogamy.

So here we have a man whose woman was unfaithful, whose marriage didn’t last, and whose life’s work discouraged others from being faithful in marriage.

The wound and its interpretation

Brent Curtis and John Eldredge’s book The Sacred Romance, and Eldredge’s later book Wild at Heart discuss in some detail what they refer to as “the message of the arrows.”  Each of us, they say, receives a wound, and that wound pierces us in a vulnerable part of our heart and soul. We try to make sense of it, and we get a lot of “help” from the world, the flesh, and the devil. Most of us regard the wound as something shameful, and we internalize it and never take it to our Heavenly Father to let Him heal it. Instead we make a vow to never let ourselves get hurt that way again. And this gives way to the false self.

A man’s question

More from Wild at Heart: Eldredge explains that every boy longs to receive the masculine blessing — to know that he is a man and that he has what it takes. That blessing should come from a boy’s own father, or perhaps his grandfather, uncle, or godfather. It is the conferring of manhood, so it should come from men. But bad things happen when a man seeks to validate his masculinity in the arms of a woman, or women. To quote Eldredge verbatim:

“When a man takes his question to the woman what happens is either addiction or emasculation. Usually both.”

Back to Hefner

Do you see this pattern playing out in the life of Hugh Hefner? Clearly, he wanted his wife to validate him as a man. Her sleeping with another man created a wound in that most vulnerable part of him. The false self that became his identity was that of the Lothario, the playboy, the stud — able to get any woman he wanted. This turned out to be partially true. He could get all the women he could bribe with plastic surgery. And he could keep all the ones who were willing to put out in exchange for an “allowance.” But ultimately, this wounded man sought to medicate himself with women’s bodies and Viagra. Pretty sad.

But the worst thing was that this man’s false self contaminated our culture and created massive stumbling blocks for generations of men. Each one of us is responsible for his own choices and actions, but notice how personal choices affect others. How many of our grandfathers, fathers, brothers — and how many of us — have given in to the temptation offered by Hugh Hefner and his imitators? How many of us grew up with absent dads imbued with the Playboy philosophy?  How many of us are in the chains of sexual addiction through promiscuity, pornography, or both?

May God grant us the grace to overcome the sorry legacy of Hugh Hefner and walk free in the glorious light of Christ Jesus. May we seek and find our identity in Him. And may we pass on a better legacy to our sons and daughters. If we truly believe God is for us and will never leave us, we can find contentment whether married or single.

So how about you? How have you gotten your question answered? Do you need a reboot? Share your story or add your comments below.

“Marriage is the graduate school of service.” – Pastor David Chadwick

I’ve made no secret of my belief in marriage. Mrs. Booth and I have been married for nearly 32 years, with the struggles and joys that come with being married that long. It has been and is a great thing and I love being married to my wife.

And I admit that the climate for marriage in the west is hostile in many ways. From taxes that penalize marriage economically, to family courts that incentivize women to file for divorce from their husbands, to cultural Marxist feminism that seeks to destroy “the patriarchy” by destroying men, there is plenty of evidence to support a man’s decision not to marry. But let’s revisit one of my favorite axioms:

Abuse doesn’t invalidate use.

Marriage is to be kept pure…

The occasions when men commit murder with hammers doesn’t justify banning hammers or outlawing carpentry. The widespread misuse of the institution of marriage — from cohabitation and out-of-wedlock births, through frivolous no-fault divorce — doesn’t mean that marriage has forfeited its divine purpose.

Back to the beginning

If we look to the creation narrative in the second chapter of the Old Testament book of Genesis, we see that God had created the universe, placing man, whom he had made in his own image, at the top of the created order. God pronounced it good. But when he saw that he had made suitable mates for all the other creatures except man, God said, “it is not good that man should be alone.”

After evaluating every other type of creature and not finding a mate, a companion, a wife for the man, Adam, God did something remarkable. He put Adam to sleep and took flesh and bone from his side, making from them a woman, whom Adam called Eve. Note that up to this point, Adam was the bearer of the full imago dei — the image of God. In this, Adam reflected masculinity and femininity as God does. But when God created Eve to be Adam’s helper, his (in Hebrew) ezer kenegdo — literally his “life saver” — God split into two parts the imago dei, investing maleness and masculine strength in the man and investing femaleness and feminine beauty and tenderness in the woman. This is important, because Genesis 2:24-25 says this:

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

This one-flesh union, this intimate knowing, free of guilt and shame is the heart of marriage.

Breaking it down

Note the lack of self-consciousness and self-regard in this first marriage. Their nakedness and vulnerability was not something to exploit for advantage, rather it was open and generous. It cannot have been otherwise, as the one-flesh union would not have existed if Adam had not given himself to Eve, and Eve had not given herself to her husband.

Now it’s broken down

Have you noticed in our culture’s stories how marital sex is nearly always portrayed as a chore to be avoided, while affairs and other forms of sexual behavior appear exciting?  If I say the word monogamy, do you regard the concept as a positive or a negative one? Why? If you’re married, did your friends try to talk you out of it, citing the endless novelty of hookups compared to loving one woman for life? Part of this inversion is the distortion of our world through sin. So a loyal wife seems boring to her husband, compared to the women at his office, and an aloof cad is seemingly irresistible compared to a wife’s dependable husband.  This is why King Solomon wrote in Proverbs 9:16, “Stolen water is sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant.” But note this: Just because a forbidden thing is appealing doesn’t mean you shouldn’t avoid it. (See also poison mushrooms.)

Reacquiring the trail

If you dread the idea of marriage, in the present or the future, I want to encourage you to re-establish a biblical view of marriage. First, note that biblical marriage is a covenant rather than a contract. This is not a legal instrument between two consenting parties that can be broken at will. Among God’s people, a covenant is a binding, irrevocable joining between God and his people. There are obligations, but failure to perform doesn’t justify an exit.

It is true that you have the duty of spiritual headship, and the responsibility to shepherd, protect, and provide for your wife and children, and those obligations demand lifelong faithfulness. It is also true that you can expect to enjoy the marriage bed — sex — with your wife and the two of you have a responsibility to maintain this aspect of your marriage — especially when kiddos enter the picture. Check out Proverbs 5:15-19 for just one biblical encouragement in this area.

The ratio

Before Mrs. Booth and I married, an older friend took me aside and said, “I know you think marriage is a 50/50 proposition. It isn’t. It’s 100/100. It takes both of you giving it 100% for it to work.” I have learned that friend was 100% correct. And this brings us to service.

A generous spirit requires bravery

An unpleasant aspect of our times is the wariness that leads to near-constant score-keeping. We are willing to give, as long as we get, but heaven help the one who takes and never gives. Does that sound familiar? In marriage, we have to overcome the fear and serve each other generously. Even if you’re afraid you won’t get anything out of it, serve.

In Paul’s letter to the church at Ephesus, the apostle instructed wives to submit to their husbands, but he instructed husbands to love their wives the way Christ loved the church. In case you’re unfamiliar with the story, he died for her. Obviously, marriage is one of those things where you must be present to win, so what does this sacrificial service look like in the realm of mortals?

Here’s an example

In the fewest words, it means put others first. If you do this, God notices. And He is able to reward you. But I promised you an example.

If you haven’t seen the video for Andra Day’s song Rise Up, it’s a great portrayal of loving service in the context of marriage. Please watch this now. I’ll wait

This video, directed by M. Night Shyamalan, conveys so much truth, and Andra Day’s vocal performance drives it home. Note the wife pouring out her life for the husband who can no longer hold her. Though her reward would seem slight compared to what she — and he — expected when they first married, this is a shining example of loving and giving 100%.

And notice, also, how the husband doesn’t quit, either. He gives the strength he has, and she appreciates it. Good art with a true message!

Not just true in stories

You may argue that Shyamalan could tell the story any way he wants, and that the video is a made-up story. Fair enough, but I have a pastor friend whose wife has Multiple Sclerosis and he serves his wife in the same manner. He cares for her and loves her like Christ loves the church — the way he promised to when they wed. And he’s not the only man I know who has cared for his wife this way. I have written before about old-school wedding vows, and this is where they prove their worth.

I know there is great risk in getting married these days. The statistics, as we’ve noted, are grim. But it is also possible to find godly, virtuous women who want to be married to godly and masculine spiritual leaders. So for God’s sake (literally), lead, love, and serve. Your children need the stability that only a covenant marriage can provide them.

God would not have commanded this of husbands if men weren’t capable of doing it. If you aren’t that sort of man yet, stick around and learn how to be one. Or message me and let’s start a discussion.

It is not good for the man to be alone, but it also important to marry the kind of woman who will stick by you — and by whom you’ll stick — when the storms come. It can be done!

So how about you? How are you leading and serving in your marriage, or preparing to lead and serve in your marriage? Add your comments below.

Commenter Dale provided a reminder recently of an important concept that deserves more attention:

“Dalrock, on his blog, has somewhat regularly been hitting the idea that we have love and marriage totally backwards. We think that a relationship of romantic love is the correct place in which to have sex and create marriage. A consequence of this ‘love first’ attitude is that we think it is reasonable, and even necessary, to end the marriage if I no longer feel romantic love. Another is the idea that it is fine to have sex with various people, without “rushing” into the marriage commitment first, as long as we are ‘really in love’.”

Exactly right.

Not your mama’s minivan…
(photo by Ondrej Supitar)

I realize this may sound strange since as the old song, Love and Marriage says, “you can’t have one without the other.” Given the popularity of this idea, it seems almost foolish to question whether love begets marriage or marriage begets love — as long as both are present, who cares? Whether the chicken or the egg came first really doesn’t matter as long as one gets to eat, right? Ah, but it does matter.

A language problem?

Part of our problem stems from a limitation in our language. As I have written elsewhere, unlike our Greek ancestors, we who speak English only have one word for love. And most often when we think of love as it relates to marriage, we think only of romantic or erotic love.

This is a bit of a category error — we are confusing a part of something for its larger whole. And the problem with regarding love as superior to marriage is that ultimately we come to regard marriage as more of a commodity, a consumer good, rather than an institution.

It takes all kinds

Romantic love (eros) is part of being human, and it is a very good thing. The initial surge of attraction and excitement between men and women is a gift from God.  It helps men and women overcome their shyness to meet and begin their courtship. They “fall in love.” But this initial euphoria has to lead somewhere — and ideally, it will mature into a marriage that includes phileo (friendship), storge (familial) and agape (unconditional) love while retaining its romantic spark. This fully realized love within marriage provides the basis for a stable home and the rearing of children, as well as maximized contentment for the husband and wife.

Marriage contains love better than love contains marriage. I hope the following word picture will help to explain it.

Cobras and carpools

Think of marriage as a racetrack and of love as a race car optimized for the track. The car will always run best — and realize its purpose most fully — on the track. All that acceleration, all that handling, all that braking and all the safety equipment is meant for the track and would simply go to waste anywhere else.

Since a race car is still a car after all, one could drive it to work, downtown, on the freeway and on the streets of a subdivision. But it is hard to imagine sitting at a stoplight or waiting in the carpool line at the kids’ school as a satisfactory experience for the driver — especially compared to the experience of the track.

Marriage is the track on which love finds its fullest expression. By contrast, trying to run marriage on the track of love places feelings — most notably those feelings of attraction or being “in love” — in a place of supremacy they do not deserve. And with predictably bad outcomes.

Running under caution

The idea that love begets marriage leads to the error that being in love makes sex moral.* And as Dale notes above, when we adopt this idea, the cooling of desire becomes justification for ending a marriage.

In my first post, I said, “Despite all the ways both institutions are imperfect, I am pro-marriage and pro-church.” I’ll stand by that. Meanwhile, I encourage you who are reading these words to consider whether you are over-exalting romantic love. It isn’t too late to get on the right track.

So how about you? How do you regard romantic love? Add your comments below.

*H/T: Dalrock

“If you fail to plan, you are planning to fail.” – Benjamin Franklin

The following is a letter written by Ronald Reagan, nearly a decade before he became 40th president of the United States. The occasion was the wedding of his son, Michael. Whether you’re a Republican, a Democrat, and Independent, or an Anarcho-socialist, if you’re married or planning on getting married, this is some great advice, as well as some great fathering.

 

A father first, and later a president. (photo courtesy of goodfreephotos.com)

Michael Reagan
Manhattan Beach, California
June 1971

Dear Mike:

Enclosed is the item I mentioned (with which goes a torn up IOU). I could stop here but I won’t.

You’ve heard all the jokes that have been rousted around by all the “unhappy marrieds” and cynics. Now, in case no one has suggested it, there is another viewpoint. You have entered into the most meaningful relationship there is in all human life. It can be whatever you decide to make it.

Some men feel their masculinity can only be proven if they play out in their own life all the locker-room stories, smugly confident that what a wife doesn’t know won’t hurt her. The truth is, somehow, way down inside, without her ever finding lipstick on the collar or catching a man in the flimsy excuse of where he was till three A.M., a wife does know, and with that knowing, some of the magic of this relationship disappears. There are more men griping about marriage who kicked the whole thing away themselves than there can ever be wives deserving of blame. There is an old law of physics that you can only get out of a thing as much as you put in it. The man who puts into the marriage only half of what he owns will get that out. Sure, there will be moments when you will see someone or think back to an earlier time and you will be challenged to see if you can still make the grade, but let me tell you how really great is the challenge of proving your masculinity and charm with one woman for the rest of your life. Any man can find a twerp here and there who will go along with cheating, and it doesn’t take all that much manhood. It does take quite a man to remain attractive and to be loved by a woman who has heard him snore, seen him unshaven, tended him while he was sick and washed his dirty underwear. Do that and keep her still feeling a warm glow and you will know some very beautiful music. If you truly love a girl, you shouldn’t ever want her to feel, when she sees you greet a secretary or a girl you both know, that humiliation of wondering if she was someone who caused you to be late coming home, nor should you want any other woman to be able to meet your wife and know she was smiling behind her eyes as she looked at her, the woman you love, remembering this was the woman you rejected even momentarily for her favors.

Mike, you know better than many what an unhappy home is and what it can do to others. Now you have a chance to make it come out the way it should. There is no greater happiness for a man than approaching a door at the end of a day knowing someone on the other side of that door is waiting for the sound of his footsteps.

Love,

Dad

So how about you? What’s the best marriage advice you’ve gotten so far? And how do you intend to form and maintain a thriving marriage? Add your comments below.

“What lifetime are you waiting for?” – Bill Hybels

I hope you had a great celebration on Christmas Day, and that you are still enjoying the joy of this season. Today, I want to encourage you to think about your plans for the new year. I have written before about setting SMART goals, and I won’t repeat myself here, but I want to urge you to think broadly with more of a systems approach to the life you want.

Map the systems of your life and optimize them for a more effective new year.

The plague of “If only” thinking

When I was a child, my parents sometimes gave me books as presents. One such gift was Dr. Seuss’ I Had Trouble in Getting to Solla Sollew (published over 50 years ago!). Although not as well-known as some of his other books, Solla Sollew made a great point — and thanks to Dr. Seuss and his gift for rhyme — I have remembered its message ever since.

The main character stubs his toe and encounters a series of other vexations and decides as a result to find a place without these frustrations. Just then, our hero meets a traveler who is on his way to Solla Sollew, “where they never have troubles — at least very few.” The story develops as the hero faces other challenges and reaches a surprising and hopeful conclusion.

If this year has been a bad year for you and your family, you might wish for a ticket to Solla Sollew, or at least to a better set of circumstances. I want to challenge you to resist the temptation to think this way. Perhaps you know people in the grip of “If only” thinking. You know: the single people who think if only they were married they’d be happy; the unhappily married ones who think if only they were married to someone else they be happy; the unemployed or underemployed who think if only they had a better job — any job — they’d be happy; or the childless couples who think if only they had a baby they’d be happy. And on and on.

For the record, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be married, with wanting children, with wanting a job, or with the desire for better circumstances. (Though if you’re married and it isn’t going well, I can’t advocate divorce. I do recommend working on it — prayerfully.) The problem with “If only” thinking is, you’re always putting your happiness off — and let’s define happiness as the peak of your effectiveness and fulfillment — into some hazy future. It might as well be never.

If you want to have a happier, more fulfilling new year — with more to show for it — I have a suggestion for you.

Systems thinking

In these and other circumstances, they key is to think less in terms of goals and more in terms of systems. Although this principle finds its most common use in problem solving in science and industry, you may also find it useful for increasing your effectiveness and for creating virtuous circles — chains of things that go right, which facilitate other things that go right — in your life.

So, what’s a system?

A system is a collection of parts that all work together for a specific purpose or set of purposes. These parts can consist of physical structures or entities, but also of the inputs and outputs of the system. It’s possible for a part to be shared by more than one system, but to belong to a system, a part must be integral — essential — to the functioning of the system. To illustrate this, think about the various systems of the human body. The circulatory system contains your heart, lungs, blood, veins and arteries, and its input is oxygen and carbon dioxide is its output. You can identify the parts and inputs/outputs of the skeletal, muscular, digestive, endocrine, nervous and reproductive systems, and you can see how they work together.

Now let’s apply this concept to the aspects of your life with an eye toward making next year better than this one. If you are seeking a better job, the parts might consist of your education, experience, attitude, talent, location, and your network. Your career system inputs would be time and effort, and your outputs would be your specific work product and the money you earn.

Putting it to work

Taking a systems approach to your career, you can begin to understand how to improve the overall efficiency of the system. We’re looking for the smallest tweaks that will deliver the greatest gains. So ask yourself what aspects of the system need tweaking? If you lack skills, how can you increase your competence? If your commute or your extracurricular activities leave you too tired to keep up the pace or maintain consistent quality of output, what changes can you make to enable you to increase your value? It could be a change to your diet to maximize energy, and/or it could be as simple as getting to bed earlier.

Your career is just one system. You can apply this to marriage and family, friendships, community activities, creative pursuits, and your health.

Eating my own cooking

For the new year, I am again replacing the creation of annual goals with an assessment of the various systems in my life. My hypothesis is that this approach will free me from the restrictions of numerical goals (What if I establish too easy of a goal and kill it by the end of February? What if I was too optimistic?) while allowing me to increase the return on investment in every aspect of my life.

It is still important to have measurements and timelines, and yet I believe the systems approach will enable me to keep a better watch on my progress. In the realm of fitness, this approach has made me stronger and more flexible than I thought I’d be at this age.

Give it a try and let’s see where we end up next December — not someday.

So how about you? What systems, inputs and outputs can you identify in your life? How do you intend to tweak them to increase your effectiveness in the coming year? Add your comments below.

P.S. I recognize that many famous people have passed away this year, and we are laboring under this idea that the calendar kills people. You see this with social media postings earnestly addressing 2016 as if it is a living thing. Nonsense! While I mourn the loss of several of my personal favorites this year, we all have to realize that death is part of the package in a fallen world. It’s a sad fact. But more important, each of us has only so many years to accomplish his life’s work. All the more reason, then, to get busy becoming the best possible version of yourself.