“Everybody hurts.”
-R.E.M.

Whether it is an injury or illness, getting passed over at work, a failed relationship or the loss of a loved one, each one of us will experience pain and hardship. The question for each of us then is: What will I do when it’s my turn? Here’s what I have found helpful:

You need a stable meta-narrative. These are just cookies!

Hang on

Quitting is seductive. It promises an end to the pain and the chance to start over. The difficulty with quitting is that it becomes habit-forming, so that one never learns the art of sticking with a thing to make it better. Remember, all the best stories are stories of redemption. And sometimes it’s your circumstances that you have to redeem.

When you feel like you’re on the anvil, wait a bit. Now is not the time to make rash decisions. A lot of passages in scripture begin with the words, “It came to pass,” not “It came to stay.” Yes, I’m stretching it a little, but your circumstances are not permanent.

Examine the parts and pieces

At times we appear to have been in the wrong place at the wrong time. Other times it seems we’ve made reservations for our trouble months in advance. Wisdom resides in knowing the difference. When you’re in the midst of a setback, make time to take the problem apart. Perhaps you’ve done everything as well as possible only to find yourself on the losing end. It’s worth knowing this so you avoid changing what is working. If, however, you can learn how you got into this particular situation — and how you can avoid it in the future — accept the lesson with humility and grace.

I want to add that you should keep this audit process short-lived and finite. Find the lesson, learn the lesson and drive on. No need to keep dwelling on it.

Seek wisdom

If you have a mentor (and if you don’t,  I encourage you again to get one) you’ll find it helpful to review the facts with him. This is not a gripe session. Instead, you want to get an outside opinion regarding your circumstances. If you’ve formed the right kind of relationship with your mentor, he’ll know he has your permission to be helpful (read: honest) rather than nice.

Look up

In times like these, your view of God is perhaps the most important thing about you. Do you regard God as a miser with a vindictive streak? Do you think your difficulties are his way of paying you out for your sins? Or do you think of God as your Heavenly Dad — who is shaping you into an increasingly accurate reflection of Himself through these difficult days? This is where I wrestle the most, but I find that the latter attitude places me in a better position to see God’s hand at work resolving my situation in ways that are remarkable and unexpected.

Grieve, but…

Loss is painful. The more important the relationship, the deeper the sorrow. The more fervent the hope, the greater the disappointment. When you lose something — or someone — precious, it is dishonest not to mourn. By that I mean, putting on a brave face and acting as though you don’t feel the loss is a lie you tell yourself. Find a time and a place to be alone and allow yourself the freedom to experience your feelings. If tears come, let them. Grieve, but do not despair. God is more concerned about what hurts you than even you are. He has also given us hope beyond our current troubles.

Prepare

I realize this sounds strange. How can I prepare for hardship without driving myself crazy? After all, there are thousands of things that can go wrong. That’s true. But we can practice resilience by maintaining perspective. We can also think strategically while refusing to borrow trouble. This consists of thinking through various scenarios and identifying the best possible response to each one, while at the same time refusing to worry about them. Sometimes knowing that you have a backup plan is enough to stop worry in its tracks.

It is part of the pride of man that he wants to control every aspect of his environment. Despite what we may say, most of us don’t like surprises. This is the allure of fortune tellers, astrology and other psycho-spiritual technologies. We want to learn to see around corners instead of trusting God. Ah, but this is where faith earns its living. We become resilient when we hold fast to the goodness of God and trust Him to order our days.

But what about the Big One?

As I write this, some friends are undergoing the most devastating of losses. Nothing prepared any of us for the circumstances and all of us are reeling from this awful news. But what is beautiful is the way the community is rallying around these dear friends, loving them, grieving with them, praying for them — even raising money to help them financially. So while no one could have predicted this tragedy, the people of God are joining hands and looking to Him for comfort.

Whatever your setback is, I hope you’ll find that same comfort in Him.

So how about you? How are you overcoming your current circumstances? Add your comment below.

*As I photographed the fortune cookies to illustrate this post, I broke one to try for a different look. Here’s what was inside: