“Tell me, and I may forget. Show me, and I may remember. Involve me, and I may understand.”
-Chinese Proverb
Fortunately for all of us, it appears we are seeing a dramatic decrease in the use of the term “Man up.” If only the spirit behind it would follow it down. As is true with a lot of other sayings, the intention is more important than the words themselves. Even so, I think that carelessness and overuse has turned what could have been a helpful admonition into a barbed whip.
Pucker up for the prince! (or not)
Consider the source
First, a man is automatically going to lose respect for any woman who has the gall to speak those words to him. Even more so if she does so in front of other men. This is emasculating behavior and you do not have to accept it.
A woman is completely entitled to expect her man to exhibit manly behavior and to be a man. But let’s admit that a woman exasperated enough or controlling enough to say this to a man’s face is not trying to help him. A woman may be able to bring out the best — or the worst– in a man, but she will not respect a man to whom she feels she must provide such direct instruction.
Most of the time, any woman who tells you to man up does not regard you as boyfriend/husband material. But it could be a fitness test from an otherwise interested female. Either way, having your question answered and brushing off the attempted insult will give you the high ground from which you can sort it out.
Hey, she may be a princess who can turn frogs into princes with a single smooch. If so, she should already be wise enough to know that denigrating a man is not the way to make him a man. That isn’t her job anyway. I suspect she may also overestimate the power of her pucker.
What about Dad?
Then can a mentor or a father tell his protegé or his son to man up? Under certain circumstances he can, but this is generally not effective. I can only think of one context where this would not be taken as an insult.
I endorse mentoring wholeheartedly, and one of the principles of effective mentoring is not to despise the young for their youth.
You may actually have the role and the authority to tell someone to man up, but instead of treating your protegé like a colleague, you’re assuming a tone of superiority. It is one thing to shepherd your son; it is quite something else to be the kind of shepherd who beats his flock. Find an exhortation that builds him up instead.
Never teach a pig to sing…
I read the following quotation from George Bernard Shaw recently: “Never wrestle with a pig. You’ll both get dirty, but the pig likes it.” Telling a man to man up is like telling an alcoholic to sober up. It might feel good to say it, but it won’t carry out the desired aim. In my experience, people who feel unfairly accused tend to double down on justification. If you want to help your brother, don’t attack his masculinity. Help him find it instead.
Show, don’t tell
Says the man with the blog. I get the irony. But have you noticed that I use word pictures? I’m trying to illustrate the point instead of giving a checklist. In the same way, if someone you know is behaving in an unmanly fashion, model the correct behavior. As in the Chinese proverb above says, involve him and he may understand. This is so much better than empty rhetoric, but it takes the kind of commitment that is a mark of true friendship.
Change from the inside out
In the same way an alcoholic walks out his sobriety by degrees, each man learns to lead — and to be a man — one decision and one day at a time. Let’s put away hollow words and strengthen each other.
So how about you? How can you help the men you know become better men? Add your comments below.
George,
You nailed it again. His Path leads to victory. So I must walk the walk.